Outsourced (2010) s01e10 Episode Script

Hey, everybody.
I have a surprise! I had these shipped in from home.
The spread of Kansas city barbecue.
That pork came all the way from America? Yeah, they ship it in dry ice.
Well, it got stuck in customs for a couple of hours, But I think it's gonna be all right.
Oh, it's not as cold as I thought it'd be.
- All: [gasp.]
- oh, god, no, no, no.
Please let the food be okay.
I need my ribs.
Ah.
- All: Ah! - Oh, no.
Okay, put the lid on.
They fly.
Ah! Ah! Worst fear.
Worst fear! Worst fear! Ah, ah, ah! It's on back! Ah! Ah, ah, ah.
- Kill it! - Kill it! Ah! Ah! Ah! [squeaking noise.]
Okay, okay, I think it's dead.
- It's on the move! - Yeah.
Ah! We're finally doing it! Yeah! Yeah! Please let me go.
Yeah! [traditional Indian music.]
Thank you very much, please.
Good-bye.
[soft rattling.]
I'm sorry, sir.
I locked the door when the work day began.
- Nine minutes ago.
- My rickshaw got caught - In this massive traffic jam.
- I understand.
It must've been traumatic to be stuck behind all those people Who are going to be on time for work.
Something bothering you? You're extra Rajiv-y this morning.
Well, if you put a gun to my head, I would have to say this office is spinning out of control.
The box is about Well, I'd probably say - It is about - Well, I don't-- I'm not really seeing what you're seeing.
Because of your relaxed management style, The workers have become emboldened.
Their desks are littered with personal items.
Rajiv, I don't care if they wanna personalize their desks.
Happy workers are good workers.
The people who built the pyramids weren't happy.
And that worked out quite well.
Rajiv, you have to stop using slave labor As your example of efficiency.
You cannot argue with the results.
Both: Mm.
I know how much you've been trying To get a ticket back home for the holidays, So I used my airline connections And I found you one for half-price.
You are amazing! Thank you so much! I've been dying to get home for the holidays.
Oh.
$2,000, I don't have that kind of money.
Just pay me with your next paycheck.
My next paycheck? Um, how much do you make? Can of worms, don't you think? Talking about how much money we make? Oh, Tonya, I'm not threatened by how much money you make.
I mean, we have similar jobs, we both make 40 Let's not talk about salaries Or how many people we've slept with, 'cause both those numbers will make you sad.
Let me just give you this ticket As my gift for you over the holidays.
No, I can't let you do that, it's too much.
No, but you'll be stuck here all alone over the holidays.
Oh, I'll be all right.
Plus, I'll be counting the days till you come back.
- Mm.
- Know what I want you to do? - What? - I want you To start paying for some dinners.
Because my baby's making some mad cheddar.
Hopefully my plane doesn't crash So your last words to me won't be, "mad cheddar.
" - Mm.
- Mm.
Todd Are you going to lunch.
No, no, no.
I'm not really that hungry.
Oh, what are you watching? Well, back in Kansas city, my buddy George Langworthy Has this tailgating party he throws at his house Before the chiefs games.
My friends got me on video conference, But then they started doing beer bongs and forgot about me.
Am I missing something, or is this incredibly sad? No, it's sad.
[chanting on computer.]
chug, chug, chug, chug! Oh, who's "jug?" He sounds very popular.
It's a drinking thing.
- Oh.
- Oh, no.
How embarrassing, her underwear is showing.
Oh, actually, that's a thong.
It's showing on purpose.
We call that a "whale tale.
" Let's do this! Todd, why are the men taking their clothes off? What kind of party is this? Oh, they're gonna start painting themselves, And they're gonna spell out "chiefs.
" I used to be the "c.
" It's the best letter 'cause it was closest to the aisle, You could make it out to pee.
Hey, I thought we were on for lunch, - What's going on? - Oh, sorry, man.
Just watching my friends' tailgating party.
They're going to the chiefs-raiders game.
Oh, man, that'll be a hell of a game.
Yeah, there's no way we're gonna see it here.
You know, that restaurant we went to downtown Has satellite TV.
Sometimes they show live sports.
Hey, maybe we could talk them into showing the chiefs game.
Would be the perfect place to watch the game.
Word is, the kitchen staff runs a cockfight - In the basement.
- Why is that perfect? Think about it, fresh chicken wings.
And they really got a kick to them.
Not the spice, I mean the little legs Still think they're fighting.
- Ugh! - Disturbing.
They don't make that noise.
But they'll still kick.
Ah, my favorite customer.
- One, please.
- Ah, good.
[Monday night football theme music.]
[cheers and applause.]
[giggles.]
Well, that's a very pretty shot.
[giggles.]
You know, bridal saris are often that exact same color.
Oh, go ahead and make fun of me, I don't care.
It's a great day.
I got a place to show my chiefs game tonight, The guy down the street made me a jersey, It's all good.
Wait, you don't wanna eat that.
- Why not? - It's golgappa.
- You can't handle it.
- Why? - It's street food.
- So? It's made on this street by that guy.
[elevator bell rings.]
Attention, workers I have an announcement to make.
You all disgust me.
Let that sink in.
This is a place of business.
Your attire reflects your attitude.
You would never see someone in management Dressed so unprofessionally.
What's up, guys? All: Hey.
- Hey! - White people.
Sir It sets a bad example for the workers To see a manager dressed in a shimmering night dress.
Wearing my lucky chiefs jersey.
Hey, Todd, I know why you like American football so much.
The cheerleaders.
With their white teeth, glowing skin, ample curves I hate to tell you this, manmeet, But their teeth are bleached, their tans are spray-on, And a lot of their curves are silicon.
I think I speak for men everywhere When I sayWho cares? - Both: [chuckles.]
- sir.
It's no coincidence that the moment You brought in that preposterous garment, Manmeet launched into an erotic story.
Look at them, this office clearly needs a dress code.
Rajiv, they look fine to work the phones.
But I really think we need to-- [loud growling.]
Did you just growl at me? - [loud growling.]
- I think that was my stomach.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, fine.
Must've been something I ate.
- Sir, is something wrong? - I gotta go.
[Monday night football theme music.]
[cheers and applause.]
[chanting.]
go, go, go, go, go, Go, go, go, go, go, Go, go, go, go, go, Go, go, go, go, go, Go, go, go, go, go, Go, go, go, go, go, Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! [wild cheering.]
- [toes cracking.]
- ahh! - Gupta! - What, what, what? Stop that.
Why aren't you wearing shoes? Because I can't do this in shoes.
[crack.]
hht! Good one.
This is an office.
You are an adult.
Tomorrow, you will wear adult shoes.
I don't think so.
No, Todd said for us to be as comfortable as possible.
- [loud knocking.]
- sir, I request an audience.
He can't talk, he's really sick.
This is a matter of utmost importance.
[loud knocking.]
What's the emergency? Gupta is wearing sandals.
That's not an emergency.
I told you, no dress code.
But this is an office, not your town of margaritaville.
Todd, you look I can't think of a word That's not gonna hurt your feelings.
You need to go home.
No, I'll be fine.
I just gotta keep it together So I can make it to the game.
- It's time! - Whoa! Boy, you're here to take my soul, Or you're a raiders fan-- which would be worse.
Who's ready for beer, potato skins, And barely dead chicken wings? - Ugh! - What's wrong? He ate four golgappas.
Are you crazy? Why do you think I call them "golgapoops?" I got poop nicknames for pretty much every Indian food.
Lamb vindapooh, shish ka-plop, - Chicken tan-dookie.
- Ugh, Charlie, please.
I'm just saying, you made a rookie mistake.
My first year here, I ate food off the street, I was sick all the time.
Check out my I.
D.
Picture I took when I first got here.
Heh, you were huge.
Yep.
I lost 80 pounds.
Had to have that surgery to get the extra skin removed.
At least I got a wallet out of it.
Oh! Well, looks like somebody's not getting A Charlie belt for Christmas.
Oh.
[stomach growls.]
Oh, man, you better go home.
You're gonna be outta commission for a few days.
No way, I am going to the game.
- Dude, come on.
- No, chiefs-raiders on TV, man.
Not missing it.
Yeah, just a little dehydrated, you know.
JustBe fine.
Actually, think I'm getting a second wind.
I'm sure he appreciates the concern, But you should know You're in the splash zone.
Yeah.
Sir, in your absence, should I assume the duties of manager? Oh, god.
So at 2:35, you are admitting that you are unfit for office And giving verbal permission to Rajiv Gidwani To assume all the duties of manager.
Whatever.
Note that the subject has confirmed In American slang! - Let's get you home.
- No.
- I'm going to the game.
- Todd.
I'm not missing this.
Attention workers Todd is indisposed.
Until he returns, Or--heaven forbid-- perishes, I am assuming complete control.
[inhales.]
You just happened to have those in your desk? Silence.
Unlike Todd, I'm not susceptible to your flirtations.
Rajiv! I am spoken for.
I am spoken for as well.
So you better get used to the idea that this Is off limits.
Starting tomorrow, you will follow a strict dress code.
Your desks will be spotless, And there will be no more personal items.
But Todd gave those to me.
He wouldn't want you to throw them away.
Todd has given me complete authority.
Listen for yourself.
[on tape.]
whatever.
And you Wipe that dumbstruck look off your face.
Tomorrow, come up with three new facial expressions And I'll choose the least offensive one.
Don't bring that one.
Not great, but that's the one to beat.
Happy now? Hey, we called earlier.
Can you put the football game on? Have a couple beers? Looks like it hasn't started yet.
Yes, we didn't miss anything.
Hey, what is this? Your cheerleaders are wearing jackets and long pants.
It's Kansas city in December, they'd be freezing.
That's what I was hoping to see.
- Todd, when a nipple gets cold-- - I know, manmeet.
Here we go.
Both: O-o-o-o-oh! Oh [stomach growling.]
[breathes.]
Looks like a different kind of kick-off.
- [knocking.]
- hey, Todd, you okay, man? Come on, man.
Todd.
I'm sorry, my friend is sick.
- It's gonna be a while.
- I've been waiting 15 minutes.
Come on, hurry up in there.
You're monopolizing the toilet.
I suggest you use the ladies room.
- Yeah! - [laughing.]
- Good one.
- That was kind of fun.
I feel so powerful dressed like this.
Does it make you feel better About being powerless in real life? It really does.
[knocking.]
How you holding up in there, man? I wanna go home.
You have enough strength to open the door? No, I meant Kansas city.
I'm sick of missing stuff.
You know, parties with my friends And holidays with my family.
You're not in Kansas anymore, Todd.
Very clever, manmeet.
Hey, what's clever? I was agreeing.
This is Mumbai, man, you're on the other side of the world.
Yeah.
That's the problem.
[mouthing word.]
- He's homesick.
- Oh.
Are you homesick, Todd? Sh.
Gupta, sign for the package.
Can't someone else get it? These shoes are killing me.
I had to rent them from my 12-year-old cousin.
Everyone is on a call, just go.
[pained inhale.]
ah! Ah, heh, aye, ga! Ah, ah! Ah, eh, ah, ha! Ha, eh, eh, eh! Come on.
Neh.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Ha, ha, eh, eh, oh.
At least with these shoes, I'm two inches taller.
I think I'm finally getting respect.
- Quiet, donkey.
- Just a theory.
Leave me alone, I have an executive decision to make.
Isn't that just the phone bill? Hardly.
Our current plan is expiring, and I must sort through The options so our service is not interrupted.
Why don't you just wait for Todd to figure it out? I am god now.
Wait, did I just say god? I meant Todd.
I am Todd now.
I make the decisions.
Now go.
Ha! Ow.
The gold plan has a more attractive rate up front, But I must commit to four years.
But the platinum plan Has unlimited network-to-network call bundling.
What do I do? This is so much harder Than criticizing Todd's decisions.
Ah.
Ah, eh.
Ah, eh.
Good-bye, Rajiv.
[chuckles.]
I told you, we could've left hours ago.
Ah! [sigh.]
Much better.
- Maybe for you.
- [chuckles.]
The gold plan is cheapest.
Put the platinum plan has the most pictures.
You're overthinking this.
There must be a logical way To make an informed business decision.
Mm, this is an important moment in your life.
Yes, exactly.
Wait, I see an apartment in east dadar.
Third floor.
Romance novel by a man's bed.
Yes, excellent.
I live there.
I'm almost finished with the book.
It's like they were meant to be together.
Don't tell me how it ends.
Anyway, tell me which plan I should select.
- I see gold.
- [gasps.]
[sigh.]
thank you.
The gold plan.
Of course, the gold plan.
No, wait, it's orange.
There is no orange plan.
Orange flames.
Your apartment is in danger of burning to the ground.
A great fire is coming! Focus! I need to choose a call plan.
- I hear screaming! - You are useless.
People will die.
Ah, no thank you.
I don't think I can handle that yet.
Do you have any ginger ale? Saltines? Tums? You're the worst genie ever.
Are you prepared for The American-rules football contest? I told you, are you ready for some football? - It's six words, man.
- What's going on? You missed your game, so We are re-creating game day for you.
I schooled your crew on the finer points of tailgating.
I will be serving beer from my head.
[giggles.]
Later? Okay.
I went online and I found a recipe for Kansas city ribs, - And I made them.
- Are they baby back? They're actually vegetarian.
They're milk fat pressed around celery.
I tried one.
They're amazing.
Stay away, I call them baby crap ribs.
Look There's salsa where the brain matter should be.
- All: [laughing.]
- and best of all, Are you ready? We had the I.
T.
Guys Download the chief's game for us to watch.
- Oh! - All right, people.
Get ready to experience the roar of 70,000 rabid fans.
[soft cheers.]
All right [on computer.]
now this is a Sunday tradition I hope goes on for years.
There's no place I'd rather be, And nobody I'd rather be with.
Looks like we're ready for the kick-off.
McCluster is back to receive.
Here we go! All: O-o-o-o-oh! - Yeah.
- [chuckles.]
Are there any football players who are Indian? I don't think so.
Ooh! Oh.
Oh, man down.
- Here comes the medical staff.
- Oh! There are the Indians! - All: [laughing.]
- yeah! - Welcome back, sir.
- Whoa.
Rajiv, what happened to you? You look worse than I did a couple of days ago.
Sir, I have been very busy in your absence.
Our phone plan is up for renewal, And after exhaustive analysis of our projected growth, Risk liability, and current revenue stream-- Oh, yeah, they got a hold of me yesterday on my cell.
I went with the platinum plan.
Yes.
If you flip to page 72, You can see I came to a similar conclusion.
I mocked up an Oscar envelope To make the reveal something special.
ButHere we are.
Rajiv, this is really thorough.
Wait.
Why is there a whole chapter after your conclusion? It's the devil's advocate section.
Where I imagine how your Satan would argue Against network-to-network bundling.
[chuckles.]
I--I'm impressed.
I should be giving you more responsibilities.
You know what? We need a new copier.
Maybe you can decide which one we should get.
[chuckles.]
There must be hundreds of different copiers.
Aw, you'll pick the right one.
So? I see them overcharging you on the toner.
Yes, that's how they get you.
I think you might want to consider-- Oh, your 30 minutes is up.
Here, witch.
Now, should I get the extended warranty? Are you crazy? Never get the extended warranty.