Perfect Couples s01e10 Episode Script

Cheesy wedding music getting us in the mood, great.
Julia, faster stuffing.
Dave, less sampling the product.
- You got busted.
- Rex, how's it going? - I'm calligraphy-Ing the crap out of these cards.
- The tail on your "q" is exquisite.
- I'm in the zone.
- Leigh, you really transformed the man cave.
- Well, we had to find creative ways to make some room.
- It's so weird.
You buy a kayak, you never want to kayak.
Suddenly, you hang it from the roof All you want to do is kayak.
Hi, guys.
- Oh, there they are-- The bride and the groom.
Did you guys make your lists Of last-Minute things you need done? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Great.
Now, go out back and check the seating charts.
- Oh, and sorry we didn't get that stuff done sooner.
- Oh, oh, oh.
No, no.
The bride has one job-- To be breathtakingly beautiful.
And you can cross that off your list.
I love Amy.
But every time I kiss a bride's ass A little part of me dies.
Best man, maid of honor Fun's over.
You've got work to do.
This is Vance's, this is Amy's.
Complete every item on your list.
- Wait, how come he doesn't have to do lists? - Amy has greek friends coming, You think the place card for Nick Papahadjopoulos Is gonna calligraphy itself? - Julia.
Perfect Couples Season 1, Episode 10- "Perfect Exes" ™ª now we have the facts, it's working - I love how you made the labels thick or thin Depending on body type.
- Yeah.
We really need to get a sense of how it's all going to layout.
Btw, that is cousin Herb.
That is not a table.
He's fat.
- Who's Reggie Porter? - Oh, he's a friend from home.
We dated a while back.
- You invited an ex? - Yeah.
I invited several.
Unlike you, when my relationships end, People are left with a bond and not a deep-Seated hatred.
- You know how jealous that makes me.
No exes at the wedding.
I'm taking Reggie.
I know you dated a-A Trevor.
And I don't know who this Tom is, But based on his implied body type, I trust he's had you.
Okay, Vance.
If we disinvite everyone Amy's been with, We'll be left with 40 pounds of salmon.
So just relax.
Have I mentioned how great your hair looks? - You hadn't.
It felt pointed.
- It's lustrous.
- Thank you.
- I've got maybe one more of those left in me.
- Hmm.
All right, let's see here.
"Get extra heat lamps.
" - "Cancel all heat lamps.
" - "Make sure limo is black.
" - "Make sure limo is white.
" They definitely want some specific songs Played at the reception.
- They're pretty wide open.
There's just a few songs they do not want played.
- Definitely celebration.
- No celebration.
- Hot, hot, hot.
- No hot, hot, hot.
Oh, and I'm quoting here, "kill me if they plshout!" - Definitely shout! And I'm quoting here, "Make sure everyone gets a little bit softer And then a little bit louder.
" - Can I speak to erica, please? - What's going on? - Vance is trying to get back at me By inviting his own exes.
- Erica, it's Vance Sutton.
Yeah, listen I am getting married this weekend, And I'd love for you to be there.
What do you mean "why?" Just come.
Why do you hav--Why do you have to bring that up? You are so difficult.
You haven't changed one bit! They all hate you.
- Yeah, it's real funny.
Everybody go laugh it up.
Well, let's see who's laughing at the wedding When I make a scene.
That is right.
Put it on the itinerary, Leigh.
After the hors d'oeuvres, but before we Honor your grandfather, who's no longer with us Vance makes a scene.
Okay.
- I'm gonna have to find a way to defuse this.
- Why do people get so hung up on exes? It's weak.
- I know.
Rex has a long and storied sexual past.
- I sure do.
- And I'm fine with it.
- I've come to terms with it myself.
- And I have my own history.
But just because I've been with a wide variety of guys Doesn't mean Rex has to get all worked up.
- Wide variety? - He is secure.
And I love that about him.
I mean, I have a file of ex-Lovers-- You know, letters, pictures, whatnot, And Rex has not asked once to see it.
I did not know it existed.
- Well, it does.
It's in a file right in my office.
- In our marital home? A file of men.
I like that.
"A file of men.
" - So, Rex, you're not the least bit jealous, The least bit curious about Leigh's past? - Nope.
- Well, I'm pretty interested.
Can I look? - Oh, sure.
Come on, girlfriend.
It's really thick--It's gonna take us a minute, babe.
- You're gonna look right now? - You're gonna love this.
- You think we have any guys in common? Wait, you put fruits in the guest rooms? Wine bottles.
Where did you even get fruit baskets? You know what? Let me talk to your supervisor.
- I think she's in with someone.
- Thank you very much.
Thanks.
I feel very heard about my fruit-Basket complaint.
And I will enjoy these complimentary chocolates.
- Dave.
Memaw! No, she's not supposed to be here.
- Yes, she is.
- Let me see your list.
These lists are in direct conflict.
- Their capacity for disagreement is remarkable.
And to drag this poor, sweet, angry woman into this - Well, Vance can't disagree With "make sure every room has a working tv.
" "Make sure guests don't deaden brains with television.
- Hmm.
- Good news, Dave, I've solved the ex problem.
I've decided to make a scene.
What do you think about overturning a table? I've done it before.
But there's gonna be a lot Of out-Of-Town guests, so it'll be new to them.
- Notice anything wrong With the, uh--The lists that you and Amy made? - Why must she thwart me at every turn? It is so frustrating.
- I know, relax, buddy.
Julia and I went through each list and made some compromises.
That's something people do in a--In a healthy relationship.
- Wait, so you had my list and Julia had Amy's? - Yeah.
- So we lost on everything.
- No.
- Where's memaw staying? - Your place.
- Yeah, that's great, man.
It's my wedding weekend, I want to be lifting a small racist into a bathtub.
What about the wine versus the fruit basket? - Uh Wine.
- Just assure me The people coming to my wedding Will be given no musical cue to form and execute A conga line.
- I think people like a-- - You gave in on hot, hot, hot? Classic Dave.
- Buddy, wa-- Now, why is "classic Dave" always a bad thing, man? I made a three-Pointer the other day.
Why wasn't that a "classic Dave"? - Julie manipulates you, man.
She always gets what she wants.
- No, she doesn't.
- Oh, please.
She controls your mind like that Obi Bedobi In those space movies you love so much.
- You know.
Don't be above star wars.
- Julia has many tools at her disposal.
She will play to your vanity.
- Let's just get your action movie.
Yeah, I probably wouldn't even understand He's just not that into you-- So many plotlines.
- Well, you know, I took that film theory class in college.
I'll explain it to you.
- She will make you doubt yourself using tepid agreement.
- Yeah, fun! How often do you get to see People pretending to be Led Zeppelin in concert? - Let's just stay home.
- She's shameless at using her wiles.
- All right, don't tell me what it is--I'm not gonna look.
- I hate this party.
If we leave, we can have sex.
- Later, guys.
Dave out.
You're right.
She does.
Damn it.
Son of a bitch.
- Listen, she's cute as a button.
She laughs at all your stupid jokes.
But she is just playing the long con.
- I'm just--This is inexcusable.
I'm sorry, buddy.
And I'll take care of that.
I just--But it's not too late.
There is one last thing that we didn't do on here-- The wedding kick-Off drinks.
Amy wants to do them at the hotel bar, no.
I'm gonna get you something better, okay, buddy? - Hey.
Just looked at Leigh's man file.
Met a couple of your peers.
Oh.
Why am I telling you? You don't care.
- No, I don't.
Leigh and I are above that.
- So you're better than Vance and me? - Oh, you're seriously asking.
Yes.
- Oh.
Well, then I guess you don't care to hear about Steve.
- Wait.
What Steve? Who's Steve? - Uh-Oh! Did I make it real by putting a name to it? I'll leave you with your thoughts.
- Who's Steve? - Hey, Vance.
How's your scene shaping up? - It looks to be dramatic, perhaps self-Destructive.
- Great.
Listen, we've set up a little golf outing For you to bond with some of the out-Of-Town wedding guests.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I hope you guys have fun, okay? - Hello, gentlemen.
You must be from Amy's side.
Are you old friends from back home? - No, we've never met before.
- He's Reggie.
I'm Dustin.
- Trevor.
- I'm Flip, Amy's high-School gym teacher.
- Reggie, Dustin, Flip, Trevor.
Why does that-- Oh, no.
Hello, gentlemen.
Welcome to the ex-Boyfriends of Amy golf outing.
- This is not happening.
- Vance is jealous and erratic.
And I want to find a way To defuse any tension before the big day.
So bond, guys.
Amy saw something in each of you.
And now it's time to share that specialness with each other.
- I'm Amy.
And I approve this message.
- You were her gym teacher? - Yeah, well, she was 20, and my wife had passed.
- Let's not do this.
Hey.
Hi.
- Um I was actually-- I was thinking about the welcoming drinks.
And--'Cause I know Amy wanted to do it at the hotel bar, But I was thinking maybe we, uh, kick it up a notch a little bit And do it at a Tiki bar.
- Yeah.
Yeah, Tiki could be fun Ish.
Mm-Mm-Mm.
- Tepid agreement-- Manipulator, puppet mistress.
- Okay, what is this? - Fact--I did not want to go to that josh groban concert.
Fact, I did not want to take A lighthouse tour of Upper Michigan.
- You suggested both of those things.
- No, I didn't.
You did.
With your ways, you made it seem like I was, But you, like--It's like you act like we're a team, But then you kind of make all the decisions.
- Yeah, I do.
- Disarming me with agreement-- That's a good one.
Or is that what you-- What are you doing? Is that one of the-- Vance didn't mention this one.
What are you doing? - Honey.
Yeah, I tend to get my way.
But you let me, Because deep down, it's what you want.
You're a people pleaser, Dave.
Got to make everybody happy.
You leave everything up to me, and I take the blame.
- Why are we sitting on the floor eating terrible food? - I don't know.
This one thought moroccan would be fun.
We're gonna be so late.
- Yeah, good job whoever said, "let's take the freeways.
" - All right, calm down.
It was Julia.
- Do I throw you under the bus on occasion Hoping for a cheap laugh at your expense? Yes.
But that doesn't mean That you get to make all the decisions.
I'm calling the shots on kick-Off drinks.
- Fine.
Go for it.
- All right, I will go for it.
All right.
Sorry, Geppetto.
Your little puppet's grown into a real boy! Look at th-- I can move! ™ª I can dance, I can da-- ™ª - Mm, classic Dave.
- So, uh, Dustin, where are you from? - Dustin, do not answer that, okay? Amy and Leigh want us to get to know each other, bond.
Well, they don't control us.
And I resolve to leave here hating you all more.
- I'm from Austin, Texas.
- Really? They have a great music scene, don't they? Don't answer that.
I don't care.
- God, what do they think? We're idiots? I'd like to stick them in a limo full of their exes, Drive it off a cliff.
I like your rage, Trevor.
That does not mean I'm warming up to you.
- Sweet boots.
Where'd you get them? - You wouldn't know it.
- They look like ones I have.
But they're from this very small shop Off the old city square in Budapest, so - Renowned boot artisan Victor Magyar? - Yeah.
- Okay! 180--I'm in.
I'm digging this! You guys kick ass.
I mean, Dustin, with your refined taste, And, Trevor, with your fiery passion, And, Reggie, you know, you don't talk much, But you're tall, and I get that.
And, Flip, the age difference bums me out, But you're a physical educator on the front lines, Battling childhood obesity.
Much respect.
- All right, give it up.
What did you see? A lot of guys Or too few? Is that it--No man was good enough before me? 'Cause I can deal with that.
- Why don't you just ask Leigh if you can see the file? Of course, by doing that, you'd be admitting You're no better than Vance.
- Just tell me it wasn't somebody famous-- Athlete, musician Was it somebody in phish? Was it a phish fan? It was a hippie, isn't it? Get a job, hippie.
Maybe it--Was it the guy who created facebook? Say, "no," if it wasn't the guy who created facebook.
Oh, my God! Zuckerberg! - I found the perfect party place-- Casa Rivera.
Mariachi band, margaritas - Staying out of it.
- And you should.
Oh, the new cowboy bar on maple.
They have a mechanical bull.
That'd be so fun In kind of an ironic way-- People love irony.
People hate irony.
That's Um What do people love? People love Rock and roll bowling Or murder mystery! We've always wanted to do murder mystery.
Uh, horseback riding? '90s theme, breakfast for dinner, Uh, scavenger hunt.
Ooh! Honey, scavenger hunt.
- I heard it.
- Three, two, one.
Best friends! - Another round for my special friends.
- How do you guys all know each other? - Well, they all made love to my fiancee.
- You're a good dude, Vance.
Amy's lucky to have you.
- Amy is lucky to have any of you guys.
Why didn't things work out? She left me.
She broke my heart.
- Yeah, me too.
- Yep.
- Bitch.
- Hey! Easy there, angry guy.
Don't worry.
Still a fan.
- She completely blindsided me.
There was no fight, no buildup.
We were at our very happiest when she just walked away.
- Same thing happened with me.
- The same.
- Yep.
- At least we can feel a little better Knowing that she does it to everyone.
Hands in.
"We never had a shot" on three.
- Come on, Vance.
- Rex? - I'm no better than Vance.
I want to see your file.
- Is this why you threw your kayak At my champagne flutes? - It's related.
- Well, if you want to see my file, that's fine.
All right, let's start with A less threatening entry.
- Oh, my God.
This kid's 13.
You're like Mary Kay Letourneau.
- I was also 13 at the time.
- Oh.
There's less stigma attached to that.
- This is Steve from college.
- I see that he's a tennis player Who I'm gonna hunt down and kill.
We should probably just destroy these.
I'm sorry.
I hate that you have a past, And I want you to forget it.
I'm not as strong as you are.
What's this? - This is a file of your exes-- Letters they've sent, holiday cards, photos.
Whenever they come in, I hide them away.
I don't want you to see them.
I get weak too.
- Hey, what's-Her-Name is naked in this.
- What do you say Joint shredding? - Dave! This is an amazing party! You came through.
- Well I appreciate that.
Ideally, you'd sound less condescending and shocked, But that'll do.
Oh, there's my boys.
Hey! I am so happy to see y'all.
- Are you? Are you as happy as when you saw these fine gentlemen In your rearview mirror without so much as a good-Bye? - Yeah.
- And he's not even The angry one.
- What's going on? - I know your pattern, Amy.
Me and the exes-- Who happen to be awesome guys With whom I'm possibly investing in a gastropub-- We got to talking.
I know you up and leave men without warning.
And these are quality guys.
- I know.
Trevor was passionate.
Reggie was tall.
Dustin had the sensitivity of an artist.
And you have all those traits.
You're all their best qualities rolled up into one.
- Like a blt sandwich? - Just like a blt sandwich.
- I love these guys.
They represent almost all my best qualities.
Just one question Where's the genius guy? - He couldn't make it.
- That's too bad.
- It is.
It's really too bad.
- Look at these two.
- This is a perfect party, Dave.
You took on this tyrant, you beheaded the beast, And now the villagers will live in peace.
- Got to hand it to him-- Dave knew exactly what to do.
Went mardi gras But with a twist, at 10:00 it becomes a foam party, You know, where there's, like, Sirens go off and foam comes out.
So just picture all the guests up to their chests in foam.
We got some house music rocking-- Honey, what have I done? - Get out of my way.
Thank you.
- Hey, listen up.
We have an announcement to make.
- The wedding weekend has officially begun! - To Vance and Amy! ™ª - You had one phone call to make.
- What's going on? - I don't know.
Ask this one.
™ª - Oh! Somebody forgot to pay the bill.
I've been shot! - That's right.
I forgot to cancel the murder-Mystery component Of the party.
- Classic Dave.
- Classic Dave.
- Yeah, I know, right? Classic Dave, yeah.
- I'm dying!