Q-Force (2021) s01e10 Episode Script

1
Sir, there's a call. It's for you.
For me? Hello?
Debra Winger
has been in enough movies.
I repeat,
Debra Winger has been in enough movies.
You. I know you people.
Wait. V?
In the flesh, baby.
- I was a spy.
- A great one, too.
I know it's a lot.
All these memories flooding back at once.
Sure, but how could anyone think
Debra Winger has been in enough movies?
That is what's really
freaking me out right now.
She was like a firework
in Rachel Getting Married.
It's a sentence no queer person
would ever hear or say in their lifetime
and the Agency's backdoor kill-code
to free people from Greyscale.
Greyscale. My God.
Welcome back to your real life.
As the producers of The Ranch
once asked Ms. Winger herself,
"Are you ready
for a very strange comeback?"
This frozen eggnog
is doing what it needs to do. Whoo!
We're almost at the palace.
T-minus however many seconds
it takes to rescue Buck
and recover everything
the princess stole from us at the Coeur.
That charming, fancy bitch.
Oh, my G, the smell of sweat and trash.
I want to go to Pride.
I will have you know that shushing me
at Pride is a felony hate crime.
There'll be plenty
of World Prides after this.
I don't know about plenty.
We haven't saved the world yet,
but go off with your optimism.
Any word from V and Caryn?
None, comms are still down.
Uh, have you tried unplugging everything
and plugging it back in?
Usually works for my TiVo.
Sir.
The White House called again.
They wanna know what's going on.
Make something up.
Lie to the highest-ranking receptionist
in the country?
I never thought I'd see the day.
No one can find out
what happened at the Coeur.
Until our systems come back online,
Mary and his Merry Men
are the country's only line of defense.
V and Caryn have the kill-code
from the Greyscale file,
so hopefully they're gathering backup
and heading our way.
Wish we'd read the whole file
in Palm Springs.
That kill-code could have saved me five
big back-brace-shaped dents in the 'Ru.
Poor thing looks like
chewed up Juicy Fruit.
Time to Twink outside the box.
Mmm.
All right, freeze!
Shit. The room's empty.
I wasted all that masculinity on nothing.
Not nothing. My little butthole went boop.
Okay, what's next for the mission?
I don't get it. Where's the princess
and Buck? But mostly the princess.
I don't know.
I hope she hasn't already started doing
whatever she's planning to do.
That stylish, enchanting psychopath.
I'm gonna hack her so good.
Someone's coming. Dainty shoes.
No, I said roses, not roses. You're fired.
Ugh, finally,
my help is here. You're late.
I'm paying you half.
Okay, he's literally a star.
Uh, yeah, hi. We're here to
Silence.
The Royal Proclamation is starting.
A Gyenorvyan Royal Proclamation!
This is like being
in an episode of Cobblestones
with better lighting and fewer snakes.
Happy fuh-reaking Pride to one and all,
but espesh to my beebees
celebrating here in Reneé.
Now, you're probably all wondering
who this fuck-ton
of hard meat beside me is.
And what's with the Tin Man hat?
Shut up.
Who's he talking to like that?
'Cause I know it ain't me.
Well, that's what I'm here to announce.
Shoot, I'm totally gonna cry.
No, wait. I'm good.
Bitches, today is the day
every girlboss dreams of.
That's right. I'm getting married!
Married? To Buck? Ew, and why?
Uh-oh, this really is like Cobblestones.
I love my curvy wife.
Isn't he the best?
Well, he's all mine, boys.
# LoveisLove. #RoyalWedding.
You have to come.
After tonight, the name on
everybody's lips is gonna be Gyenorvya.
Well, that's it.
Awesome press conf. Peace out.
Okay, chop-chop. This wedding
is not going to decorate herself.
Of course not. We'll get right on it.
Okay, team, let's go tie-dye
some swans. Fancy wedding.
A wedding? What does this even mean?
And what is Buck thinking,
marrying the princess?
I can't believe after months
of constant undermining
and active displays of aggression,
he'd betray us like this.
I know how to figure this all out.
We need to watch Cobblestones right now.
Stat, we don't have time to watch TV,
even though we just learned something
really important from watching TV.
- But something bad's about to happen.
- I know.
Unless it's Oprah and Stedman,
there should be no straight weddings
happening at Pride.
There's more to it
than that. On Cobblestones
You will truly do anything to make us
watch that weird show with you.
It's not just a show, damn it.
Here in Gyenorvya, it's everything.
The truest depiction of real life,
their law, their religion.
Like Bachelor in Paradise is to Americans.
Exactly. Cobblestones did
a Royal Wedding episode,
but it's been scrubbed
from even the Christmas Internet.
It's harder to find
than the nipple cut of Cats.
If anyone can find it, you can.
Have you checked Quibi?
Tubi? Mubi? Vudu? Crimini? Lubey? Manolo?
On the show, The Museum of Television
and Radio is housed in the Royal Chapel.
I bet that it is in real life, too.
Okay, batshit soap opera that only
my most confusing co-worker watches,
time for you to save our asses.
Twink, hurry up.
Spending World Pride in a museum?
That's also a church?
What's next? You got a bunch
of math homework for me to do? Fuck!
Just stand guard, then.
If there's danger, shriek.
Okay, I take it all back.
This show is great.
It's like Passions
plus The Twilight Zone plus
Sister Act. Yeah, I've literally said
that sentence to you 800 times.
Ugh, this is taking too long.
Get to my favorite part
of any TV show already, the exposition.
Finally, the wedding part.
In Gyenorvya, a princess is
but a figurehead, no true power.
It is only upon getting married
that she becomes a husband-having queen
that may wield the authority
to raise taxes, declare war,
or use a knife at dinner.
Declare war? Fuck! How do we stop her?
The only way to stop
a Gyenorvyan Royal Wedding
is to blow the Horn of Objection.
I do love how he's just laying it all out
for us. Now that's entertainment, people.
And now a word from our sponsor,
Mistletoe brand maternity cigarettes.
For a holly jolly baby.
So she's only marrying Buck
to wield her power.
I mean, I know the princess is bad,
but it feels like the real enemy here
is the centuries of misogyny
that led us to this place.
A woman shouldn't need a man's permission
to become a homicidal dictator.
Uh, Mary, I recognize those tanks.
We recovered those at EuropeVision.
They're supposed to be at The Hole.
Shit. So now the princess is armed
to the gills with munitions and AIA intel.
How do we get our hands on
the Horn of Objection?
Let's break into Cobblestones Studios
and steal the horn they used on the show.
I'm positive it's the real one.
They always use real horse carcasses
on the show and those are expensive.
Way better plan
than I was about to suggest.
No one has to rob a jewelry store
or decapitate a reindeer.
Deb and Twink, buy us some time.
The wedding's the culmination
of the Pride Parade, so slow it down.
Yay, we get to go to the parade.
Smoosh me, crowd!
Call me Wells Fargo
'cause I'm about to participate in Pride
for all the wrong reasons.
- Okay, Stat, which way to the studios?
- Down.
Down?
I have so much more respect
for Super Mario now. Pipes are tough.
A creepy city
underneath the real city.
I wonder if this is
where downtown Chicago got the idea.
I think we're close.
We just passed Ye Olde Halloween Store.
Well, if you're looking for where
all the spiderwebs live, I found 'em.
There! Holy fuck-a-moly.
The mothership, Cobblestones Studios.
Security for the whole city
must be up at the parade.
Oh, my God.
Look, it's all the sets from the show.
There's the middle school
where Jesus got her period.
How the hell
is this prop warehouse organized?
Big to small? Rough to smooth? Wet to dry?
The Vicar's spittoon.
The Triplets' tap shoes.
Mary, I need a pic
with Mother Superior's beer stein,
but my arm's vibrating,
and it can't be blurry.
Get a hold of yourself.
I'll take two pictures
because I'm not a monster,
and I've never seen you happy
about anything before.
- But then we find that horn. Okay?
- Yes, okay. 100%.
The baker's mummy
from the musical episode.
Correct!
You are correct
to celebrate me. Continue it.
Huh?
Why am I on a cake?
Oh, my God. You're gonna eat me.
- Save me, gay-guy spies!
- Shit.
Uh, he's not really scared of me.
He's just got cold feet 'cause he's a boy.
But also watch the fucking confetti, okay?
The second you slide
the ring on my finger,
your ass has a hot date
with the bottom of a fucking hole.
Do not humiliate me
at the launch of my country's new brand.
Oh! Oh, my God. Wait, hi, Mike.
Oh! Oh, my God. Wait, hi, Mike.
Oh! Oh, my God. Wait, hi, Mike.
Okay, the Mikes are out today, honey.
This place has more goblets
than Adam Lambert's dishwasher.
We're never gonna find
that Horn of Objection.
Finally, the horn section.
The Trumpet of Suffragettes.
Big Angelica's Shofar?
Ah-ha! The Horn of Objection. Yes!
"Authentic Horn of Objection."
Oh, God. Please work.
Also, please don't be full of spiders.
Yes! Stat, I found it.
- Stat?
- Coming.
Okay, one more picture. Please?
Coming through, people.
We need to catch up with the princess,
and these streets are worse
than Costco on a Sunday.
I know, but isn't it great?
Every gay, lesbian,
and media conglomerate is here.
You're telling me. We've gone ten feet
and I've already dodged two of my exes
and my broadband provider.
I can't even see
where the princess is, can you?
No, but according to that clack-clack fan,
GlaxoSmithKline is using
they/them pronouns now.
Wait, look.
The Euro Hamburger Mary's float.
WeHo's 29th sister club.
I can get a vantage point from up there.
Fear not, fellow drag queens.
I come in tucked-back penis.
Can I hitch a ride on your guys' float?
Whoo!
Thanks, girls!
I see them, Deb.
We gotta gain five blocks, and soon.
Let me at that chassis.
Let's see what this baby can do.
Wait. Oh, my God. Mike! Hi, bitch!
Just follow the sounds of Pride overhead,
gay arguments and Katy Perry remixes.
No, how?
Oh, shit, your ex-lover. Awkward.
Steve?
Ugh, fuck, of course. This weekend sucks.
You truly have no idea.
Yeah, my friends dragged me to Pride.
It's so crowded and loud,
and now my hiding spot is full of you.
Hey, Banjo, where'd you get that hat?
It's actually Benji, and they're handing
them out to everyone at the parade.
We're supposed to put them on
for the wedding. They look so dumb. Look.
Princess strong.
We have to stan.
Um, Benji? You in there?
Fight for Princess.
He sounds all spaced out,
like Buck at that press conference.
Who was also wearing this exact hat. Wait.
Would you stop doing that?
- Mary, I think these hats are
- A mind-control device. I know.
And you're about to make eggs Benedict
out of my ex-boyfriend's frontal cortex.
There were plans for these
in the Greyscale file
but it said the Agency never made them.
They shut the program down,
but the princess has all their plans.
Die for Princess, if necessary.
Oh, my God, that's what she's up to.
She's gonna brainwash everyone at World
Pride using stolen Greyscale technology.
She's getting them
to fight for her, die for her.
She's amassing a big, gay zombie army.
Okay, you're not gonna believe this,
but that was on Cobblestones, too.
What just happened?
Benji, listen to me. You need to run.
You're not safe in Gyenorvya.
Why are you always saying,
like, really ominous things to me?
What's your fucking deal?
Just go. Don't follow us.
That sounded rude.
I'm sorry. You look really cute!
I got her up to 12 miles an hour.
Did you know these things are just
lawnmowers with decorations on them?
I didn't before, but now I do.
Deb, you're like my friend and my school.
There's the princess' float.
Her hair looks so good. Can you see?
Damn it, float.
Make like Pam on my back and step on it.
Shoot,
they're almost at the venue.
But something tells me a diva like her
isn't gonna start without a full house.
Deb, block the street.
I'm birthing a diversion.
I got you, sis.
Don't you know that there are
Wolves in the rivers ♪
Wolves in the rivers ♪
They go bite, bite, bite
No, yes, tonight, night, night ♪
Okay, I'm furious and inconsolable.
Where are my fans?
in the rivers
They go bite, bite, bite ♪
Someone's stealing my throng?
Guards, break up whatever that is.
This bride needs to zilla, now.
Princess, potty time.
No! Hold it.
No, I just got this song out of my head.
Deb, we got it.
Great. I'm ready to shut
this shit down, now. Twink, let's go.
But I can't leave
in the middle of a lip-sync.
If you die in a lip-sync,
you die in real life.
There!
Rabble-rousers, in our midst.
In our midst!
My God! The Horn of Objection?
Attack them! We need backup.
No!
You just stomped
your country's Mona Lisa, you dumb bitch.
We're outnumbered,
and my go-to move isn't working.
Our nuts have been pre-cracked.
Oh, God, why don't I have a will?
I'm in a very high-risk job.
- V! And everyone else!
- We made it.
And did you know it's pronounced
"Budapesht," not "Budapest"?
Oh, wow, I actually love that.
Isn't it fabulous?
God, I've missed being in the field.
The princess is about to marry Buck
and use Greyscale technology
to brainwash the crowd.
She's mounting an army and we need
to stop her, but my fancy horn broke.
Understood. You know, I've always
suspected she had an evil side.
The only thing she'd eat
until age 23 was noodles with butter.
I should have seen all this coming.
Near the lakes
What are filled with prawns ♪
The wedding's starting. Shit!
Wait, Twink,
are you thinking what I'm thinking?
How noses are literally so random?
Like, okay, ears that do smelling
No, dear, that's not what I was thinking.
And a big, big hole ♪
- A servant of Christ Europa
- For sure, stan Christ.
But can we get to the good shit, bitch?
And let me see those hats, people.
Uh, yes, yes, very good. Um
With this ring,
I now endow the Royal Groom
with all the ruling authority in Gyenorvya
so that he may bless our new Queen
with the powers of
Stop! Stop the wedding!
Sorry, you cannot object
without the proper horn.
But that's not the real princess.
Oh, it's you fucks.
Yes, it's us fucks.
And we are here to say
that the princess is an imposter.
This is the real princess.
Wait, excuse me?
- Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh.
- Yeah-huh. Yeah-huh.
She locked me in a Rapunzel tower
and stole my big boyfriend.
I love you, baby. Don't marry a Hamburglar
when you can bang out the cow for free.
Buck hungry now.
Buck, you idiot.
You're gonna ruin everything.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Hey.
Princess nice.
Days of Our Lives could literally never.
- We did it. We foiled
- Fuck all of you.
This is what I get for trying to #resist
while still operating
within the patriarchy.
Well, your stupid Gyenorvyan rules
can kiss my ass.
- What's that remote?
- It must control the hats.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm reclaiming my time for evil.
Everyone take off your hats!
Hi-yah!
- Oh, God, I told you not to come to
- Princess good.
Ow!
Okay, I kind of did deserve that
for dumping you at a funeral, but
Debra Winger has been in enough movies.
Okay, ow.
You give royalty a bad name.
Meghan Markle would never betray the gays.
Hey, it's okay. I
Benji!
So a different princess kidnapped me
from that island, and then you were where?
It's complicated, really.
The important thing is
I'm this close to your chest.
Wow, I like your voice right now.
Did you start smoking?
We just saved their lives
and they have no idea.
Is this how moms feel all the time?
Now this is my Pride.
I've never felt more proud in my life.
Wait, the name "Pride"
has to do with proudness?
I thought it was, like,
a shout-out to sexy lion families.
Gay people do love hot weather.
And scratchin' each other up.
Give me a high five!
You know, back in the garage,
you were always talking
about saving the world one day.
I got to say, I had my doubts.
But we did it. All of us.
We're one hell of a team, all right.
And, Mary,
you're one hell of a squad leader.
Hear, hear.
And an excellent photographer.
These pictures of me at Cobblestones
Studios are gonna make great tattoos.
Oh, Stat, you have such a beautiful smile.
It's such a shame
we're never, ever gonna see it again.
Now that we're married
and you're the King of Gyenorvya,
I gotta ask, how much money
do you have and can I have some?
I'm actually in a ton of credit card debt.
Also, we're getting divorced, immediately.
Ah, farts. AIA comms are back up again.
Holy!
Well, hello to you, too.
It obviously pains me a bit to say this,
but good job. You guys saved the day.
You were our only hope,
and you came through. I won't forget it.
Thank you, sir. That means a lot.
I always knew we could.
Well, don't get stuck up about it.
Besides, I looked up World Pride
and the things you people
Q-Force so good.
Believe in you.
All in a day's work.
Oh, and all the Agency data the princess
stole is safe and sound with us.
We'll totally send it your way ASAP.
That's not a lie.
I like Q-Force so much. Equality.
Thanks, Desk.
Make sure to get yourself a raise
before you take that hat off him.
What? It's not unethical
when I do it. He's a cock.
I owe you an apology.
No, V, you don't.
The chips were for everyone.
It's not that.
I held you back for so many years.
Sure, part of my brain was missing,
but it was still wrong.
After everything we've been through,
I just hope you know
how much you mean to me.
You will always be
the best of the best in my eyes.
V!
Oh, God.
I know. I know you deserve an explanation,
and I don't even really know
where to start, but
Why don't you just tell me
what the hell's going on with you?
I mean, who even are you?
I'm Mary.
Agent Mary.