Reginald the Vampire (2022) s01e10 Episode Script

1
Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"
We can't just let anyone join our ranks.
And that vampire you
made is an abomination.
Your assessment is back on the books.
3 and 1/2 days until our certain doom.
I'm a vampire.
How stupid do you think that I am?
I'm being reassigned to the Yukon?
It's everything you need to
know about your assessment.
Holy motherload.
Is that what I think
it is? Angel's blood.
If tonight is your last night on Earth,
then you should probably
say goodbye to your friends.
What's in the bag? It's him.
It's Logan the re-animator.
I thought you'd be fatter.
Reggie's special. He just
hasn't realized it yet.
I had no idea how amazing I was.
That's his superpower.
You're gonna die.
Reg, you've gotta make me a vampire.
I think you're onto something, Todd.
I could be your secret weapon.
I got a date with the
final puzzle piece.
[EDGY MUSIC]
♪
- You're late.
- Sorry.
Um here.
Look, I know there's a difference
between forgiving and forgetting.
Maybe I can't do one without the other.
But I know why you did what you did.
I know your history.
I think I can do that now
forgive, forget.
Thank you.
Hey.
You gonna be there tomorrow?
- No.
- Why not?
I don't want to watch you die.
[SIGHS]
[FROGS CROAKING]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
I knew it was you without even looking.
Sire bond.
Wherever you are, I know where you are.
And whatever you feel,
I can feel it, too.
Shouldn't that have worn off by now?
Well, some bonds, they
last longer than others.
Okay.
Tell me what I feel.
They're here.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
♪
As duly appointed representative
of the Council of the Americas,
I, LeBron James, bring with me a warrant
requiring your presence
Wait, wait, wait. Your
name is LeBron James?
At a meeting of the
Council of the Americas
to determine your
suitability for inclusion
in the vampire population
Because if I were you, I'd probably go
by a nickname or something,
like Buddy or Sneaky Pete, Cheekbones.
As measured by the officially sanctioned
Council assessment, henceforth
referred to as The Assessment.
Or, you know, probably just
never use your last name.
Like, you know there's
a pretty famous basketball
player named LeBron James?
I mean, he was born right here in Akron.
Said assessment to be
held on this morning
at a time and place ordered
by our glorious leader,
Logan the Impenetrable.
I knew a guy named Ted Cruz.
It made his life a living hell.
[CHUCKLES MOCKINGLY] How droll.
Joke now. Die later.
Sorry. Performance anxiety.
Your spawn is very chatty.
But you have nothing to say, Maurice?
I don't blame you.
If only you'd cooperated when
we came for you the first time
instead of making your little scene
and siring this abomination.
But that is a very different world
than the one we live in now.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'd rather live in his world
than live without him in mine.
[LAUGHS] Sweet.
Come with us, Maurice. Blob.
♪
Want me to tell you how you feel?
You're afraid you're not enough.
That's how you feel.
Not smart enough to
get us out of this mess
and not brave enough to face
the consequences if you do.
"Not enough" is a feature, not a bug.
Then why do I believe in you like I do?
Low standards disorder?
Do you think I can really pull this off?
I think this is some
of the craziest shit
I've ever seen.
And I've been living the
vampire life for 50 years.
But do you think I can?
Yeah, Reggie.
I do.
Thank you.
My belief in you doesn't
require gratitude.
Not for that.
For saving my life.
Kinda turned you to an
undead creature of the night.
Point taken.
There's definitely
negatives to the lifestyle.
But I don't know.
My life before all of this was
just a car with spinning wheels.
Maybe this was the life
I was supposed to lead.
Is that weird?
- I don't know.
- [CELL DOOR OPENS]
Weird it is pretty much your brand.
[APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS]
So Vampire Guard, am I right?
Yeah. Um
Do you have to go to some
kind of Vampire Guard school
or an academy?
You ever hear of the Yeoman Warders?
[GRUNTS] Yeah, right.
They guard the Tower of London and, uh,
according to one theory,
they're called the Beefeaters
because they were allowed
to eat as much meat
as they wanted to when
they dined with the king.
Oh, right.
Okay, picking up the
pace. I totally get it.
I mean, I'm in no rush,
for obvious reasons.
But hey, wouldn't want to
be late for my own oof.
[GRUNTS] Party.
[BELL TOLLS]
It is my great and lasting honor
to announce the presence
of Logan the Unquenchable.
[DARK, HEAVY CHORDS]
♪
Whoa.
♪
My good vampires, regional directors,
the very best of our kind,
we are gathered here today
to evaluate and assess the fitness
of the newborn vampire
you see before you.
The vampire known as Reginald Andres.
♪
[FANGS CLICK]
Mere decades ago
A blink of an eye in the lives we lead,
even less for those
of us fortunate enough
to measure our biography in centuries,
it was determined that a
kind of culling was required,
a way to shape and perfect our race.
And so the first Assessment was held.
And subsequent to that,
every newborn vampire participated in it
in order to guarantee our future,
and to do so according to the
laws that bind and protect us.
On a personal note,
like many of you, I was made
long before The
Assessment came into being.
But I have seen the benefit,
seen how our species
has improved and evolved.
Once, we were a race
united by our thirst,
but only our thirst.
Now, in this modern age,
we are approaching a
kind of species divinity.
Hey, yo, Deacon?
Could we get this show on the road?
I got dinner plans.
Fair warning.
The Assessment is of
great meaning for us.
It's as close to a holy
ritual as we maintain.
Scorn it, ridicule it at your own peril,
if only because the amount
of pain and consequence
you suffer after you fail
is in direct proportion
to how much you piss me off
along the way!
Look, I'm not here to be
a party poop or anything,
but come on, man. We're
gonna be here all week
if you don't cut it with the yakety-yak.
Oh.
Very well. It is my
distinct pleasure to announce
that the vampiric abilities
and potential assessment,
henceforth known as The Assessment,
shall begin!
[EDGY MUSIC]
Let there be bells.
[BELL TOLLS]
This dude puts the D in douchebag.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[GOOSE HONKING]
Hey.
Hey.
Ready?
Visualize, actualize, achieve.
Defying Gravity.
Visualize, actualize, achieve.
Um, you have to defy gravity.
- I'm on it.
- Mm-hmm.
[EXHALES] Okay.
Three, two, one.
♪
[SCOFFS] 5 inches.
Aw, wait, wait. Come on, come on.
I can do this. Let me do it again.
If you wish. A do-over.
Okay. [EXHALES]
- [GRUNTS]
- Really?
4 inches.
It's really pretty amazing
when you think about it.
Fail.
The Dubious Arm-Bender.
Fail.
Identifying the Cheese.
Fail.
Catch the Orb.
You must catch the orb
before it hits the ground.
I figured that out all by myself,
- thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
On my mark.
Three, two, one.
♪
[GROANS]
Wrong shoes.
Fail.
[SIGHS]
The Lonely Goatherd.
Fail.
Hell is Other People.
Fail!
They All Fall Down.
Ooh, ah. Little known fact
there's a right way and a wrong way
to knock down the bottles,
though the solution may
seem counterintuitive.
But that's the point, right?
That's why no one ever wins.
We assume the best
place to throw the ball
is right at the middle.
But as the bottom bottles are weighted,
that'll never knock them down.
So we need to rely on
accuracy more than power.
What you have to do is aim
between the two middle bottles
on the bottom row.
[BOTTLES CLATTER]
I once won ten oversized teddy
bears in one single night.
Pass.
[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
[WHISPERING] Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
♪
A Fiendish Jumble. Pass.
Name That Room. Pass.
The Finger Trap of Sorrow.
Seriously?
Does anyone ever fail this?
I don't know why he says that
it's virtually impossible.
Pass.
The Golden Ratio.
♪
I'm sorry, but the
hairline to the upper eyelid
should be 1.618 times the
length of the upper eyebrow
to the lower eyelid, but I mean,
I just don't even know.
Really? This is just insulting.
Fail!
[CAR HONKS]
After a very long day
filled with failure and some success,
two tests remain.
Death's Sharp Sting.
If he fails this test,
he'll be mathematically eliminated
and of course, tortured and killed,
along with you. I almost forgot.
[WASPS BUZZING]
You must carry the nest
from one podium to the other.
If you are stung, you fail.
Little known fact.
Bees even hornets
are not evil, like some monsters I know.
They defend their home
when they perceive a threat.
If you swat at them or do
some violent gesture to them,
they will read that as trouble,
and that encourages them to sting.
Now, most insects get their
cues from smells in the air
your own breath.
That informs them that you're near.
But if you were to hold your
breath for 10, 30, 50 seconds,
they will no longer detect you.
They will leave you in peace
like so.
[FORCED HEAVY BREATHS]
[WASPS BUZZING]
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Pass.
[SCATTERED CLAPPING]
Silence.
There is only one test remaining.
It will decide whether
you live or you die.
And I am thinking that you will die
- in the most horrible
- Bring it on, old man.
I'm ready to do this.
[EDGY MUSIC]
♪
The Claw of Impossibility.
[WHEELS RATTLING]
[DARK, SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[SOFTLY] Hey.
I'm really sorry.
- I appreciate the support.
- Yeah.
The Claw of Impossibility.
Do you just like hearing yourself talk?
You have 60 seconds.
Okay.
Uh, all right.
[CLAW MACHINE BUZZING]
[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]
Just calmly okay. Yeah, right there.
Okay, cool. That was a
that was just a mistake, I feel like.
Keep going, okay.
Focus.
45 seconds.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
[SIGHS] Holy [MUTTERS]
Okay, I got this one. I got this one.
♪
Ah. Hello, Mr. Horse.
I'm gonna get you a new home.
Sarah lives there.
She'll take great care of you
lucky horse.
- [SIGHS]
- Okay.
25 seconds.
Ohh.
Okay.
You have 10 seconds.
Focus. Calm hands.
Oh, my God. I got it. I got it!
♪
This is it. Okay.
Okay, okay.
SPECTATORS: Oh!
Fail!
God damn it.
Sorry you couldn't get to meet Sarah.
She's the best girl in the world.
This brings to an end The Assessment.
The subject, Reginald
Andres, does not pass.
He is not worthy.
He is not one of us.
He is defective
and an insult to the purity
that binds us together.
Prepare the Chamber of the Sun.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
Welcome to the penalty
phase of The Assessment.
We will begin with a
little light torture
as much or as little as I command.
After this appetizing
spectacle concludes,
we will let the sunshine in
and be rid of this pestilent aberration.
Oh, for fuck's sake, bring it on.
Do not be impatient, blob.
The end of your eternal
life will come soon enough.
But it is not enough for you to die.
Your entire bloodline, your progeny,
must die with you.
- Bring in the progeny.
- [DISTANT WHIMPERING]
I don't have any progeny.
He's not a vampire!
No. No!
[GRUNTS]
You thought you could fool us?
[WHIMPERING]
Todd never hurt anybody.
It's my fault. I did this.
Todd Sleater, aged 28
human years when turned.
Vampire, age of one day.
Hereby sentenced to
death as tainted blood
in conjunction with the
sentencing of Reginald Andres.
I would like to formally thank
the recently demoted
director of the Midwest region
for making this special moment possible.
Your service is greatly appreciated.
You fucking bitch.
I'm reminded, as his sire,
that you will shortly join
the roundish one in death.
Interrupt the ceremony a second time,
and you will die before him.
I'm sorry, Reg. I-I tried to save you.
I tried to follow the plan.
She stopped me.
[KEYS JINGLING]
The death of your spawn
is not the only penalty to be paid.
As is customary and necessary
to the survival of our kind,
any human that knows
your secret must die
on the day that you die.
It has come to my
attention and again,
big shout-out to the former director
of the Midwest region
that there are two such humans,
and their names are Sarah and Claire.
No.
Please, don't do this.
I deserve to die, but not them.
Please, I'll do anything.
You will only do one thing.
- You will die.
- [CHAINS RATTLE]
And they will die with you.
Fuck you!
I haven't been a vampire for very long,
just a collection of days that's it.
But that's all I needed
to know about you.
You're empty.
You're vain. You're cruel.
The last creatures on
Earth deserving eternity.
Life is a finger trap, and you're
too stupid to see the beauty in it.
That's why you're really dead.
Dead and sentenced to an
endless parade of wasted years.
But forever's a long time.
Eventually, time will catch up with you,
because you are the past,
and I am the future.
Torture him now!
Let the torture begin!
[DARK MUSIC]
♪
[DARK MUSIC CONTINUES]
♪
Time to die, little girl.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
♪
Holy shitballs.
Just one cut
a cut that heals, but painful.
Then a second cut.
Then a third, each cut healing.
And as many cuts as I determine
before your torture is ended.
You will die many deaths
before your true death,
a death that you will welcome, if only
to end all this pain.
But your final passing
will see your progeny burn
as we let the sun shine in.
[CHAINS RATTLE]
Cut him.
♪
[SCREAMING]
[GROANING]
Enough!
Is that all? Cut me!
Deeper. No mercy.
[SCREAMING]
Let the sun shine in.
[SCREAMING]
What is that?
Oh, right.
Sorry, I forgot that was in there.
[GRUNTING]
[TODD CONTINUES SCREAMING]
- [ALL GROAN]
- Surprise, vampires!
I'm still a human.
Burn, vampires, burn!
[ALL YELLING]
Off with his head.
- [NECK CRACKS]
- [GRUNTS]
[VAMPIRES CONTINUE SCREAMING]
Thank you.
You're on your own
now. Good luck, vampire.
♪
You're gonna want to take
cover for this next part.
[ALL SCREAMING]
Aah!
Angel's blood!
[ALL SCREAMING]
♪
Aah!
[GROANS]
[INTENSE MUSIC]
Uh-oh, I'm out. Shit.
♪
I am Logan, pure and powerful.
Did you honestly think
that you could kill me [GROANS]
[LAUGHS]
As is mandated by our custom,
I claim deaconship of the Council
of the Americas henceforth.
And as deacon, my first official act
is to pardon the
prisoner Reginald Andres.
Yeah, you do.
[AMBIENT BACKGROUND NOISE]
She killed the assassins.
They didn't even make it inside.
[EDGY MUSIC]
♪
Welcome to the Slushy
Shack. How may I help you?
You're still you.
- Is that a problem?
- I don't think so.
You did it.
Not me.
He did.
I got a thing with
the final puzzle piece.
Where? Wait, what is it? Reggie!
[SLY MUSIC]
[HINGES CREAK]
Hey, Angie.
Can I come in?
I think it's time we have a little talk.
♪
So how will they know
I'm not still human?
Because for all they know,
you're a newly-turned vampire,
and newly-turned vampires
still have human blood in them.
So all you have to do is deliver him.
And all you have to do
is sob like you mean it.
And you'll have to make Logan angry
like, really angry.
Because the angrier he
gets, the worse the torture.
The deeper the cuts.
I can do that.
♪
Do you think I'm gonna need
a little more Angel's blood?
I'm a first time shooter,
long-time pacifist.
No, that's enough.
Okay, you've got one
target and one target only,
and that's Logan the Cockroach.
♪
Reggie, this is gonna hurt.
- Don't worry.
- You sure, man?
I was made for this.
[SIGHS]
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
♪
Well, that was a hoot.
Logan is dust.
Reginald won the day.
Maurice is the new deacon of
the Council of the Americas.
And I am what I was before
reinstated, the director
of the Midwest region,
and not to mention,
your worst nightmare.
I don't know what I was thinking.
It was a momentary lapse of reason,
some sort of witchcraft.
- Let us live.
- Forgive us.
- Please.
- Please.
Well, I suppose the
company is preferable
to me wandering around this
big old house like a ghost.
And you do have your uses,
despite your traitorous instincts.
Thank you.
We will do anything.
Fair enough. If that bitch survived,
find Eve and bring her to me.
And then I'll rip out her
heart and feed it to her.
[SOFT POP MUSIC]
The beautiful corner ♪
Big day.
The best.
Were you 100% sure your
plan was gonna work?
Nope.
Okay, now you tell me.
But I had a pretty good idea.
It turns out believing in your friends
is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- I'm your friend.
- Right?
- Oh
- How weird is that?
I mean, a lot of crazy
shit has happened recently,
but that's just whoa.
I'm glad we're friends, too.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, buddy.
The candle-lit table ♪
As we cut loose ♪
- Turn me.
- I'm sorry, what?
- Make me like you.
- Todd, we've been over this.
Come on, man. I put my
life on the line for you.
True. But that's all the more
reason for me to protect it.
Dude, I would make an awesome vampire.
You know it.
- Okay, probably also true.
- Right?
But [SIGHS] dude,
th-that's something I
can't deal with right now.
- The responsibility of it.
- [WHINING] Turn me.
[SIGHS] Asking me over and over
is not gonna increase your
chances of me changing my mind.
Although it is nice to be reminded
of how I used to ask
my mom for a new bike.
♪
Make me feel so high ♪
Maybe I will go see her sometime.
[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]
So you're the top dog
now, deacon or something?
Yeah.
Kill the deacon, take his or her chair.
Kinda how it works.
Very impressive. Do
you get a special hat?
Not that I know of.
You should have a special hat.
It'll make you stand out in the crowd.
[GAME TRILLS]
Hey, you mind if I ask you something?
No.
Reginald stashed you
at the tanning salon,
put you there for your own safety
because the UV rays would protect you.
Logan sent assassins after
you like he sent them here.
Well, how close did they get to you?
Pretty close.
Claire, talk to me.
They turned off the power.
So no more tanning bed.
- They found me.
- But how did you
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]
Okay, um [CLEARS THROAT]
How long have you been able to do that?
It's sort of been coming on for a while.
Now it's here.
Okay. Hey, you know what?
Maybe, uh, you and I should
have a talk about that.
- Yeah?
- Okay.
Okay.
[GAME TRILLS]
How old are you?
Does it matter?
Genuinely curious is all.
I was born on the day Mount Fuji erupted
and blew fire and smoke
into the bluest of skies.
1707?
- How old are you?
- I was born on the day they broke ground
for the largest
shopping mall in America.
It's in Minnesota, where I was born.
Can I ask you a series
of probing questions?
Why aren't you afraid of me?
Why would I be afraid of a friend?
Ask me anything.
- Are werewolves real?
- No.
- Can vampires fly?
- I wish.
So you don't turn into a bat?
Why would anyone want
to turn into a bat?
- Point taken.
- Hmm.
Holy water turns out, can't hurt you.
I once drank the blood
of a priest in Florence.
- Garlic?
- Delicious if used correctly
in many of my favorite meals.
Are you sure werewolves aren't real?
Because I've got a feeling.
- Can I ask a question?
- Sure.
Do you want to go for a long
walk in the dark with me?
Oh, yes I do.
[STIRRING MUSIC]
♪
Go on, it's awesome.
I've never had a slushy before.
Oh. Well, there's a
first time for everything.
Cheers.
[POP MUSIC CONTINUES]
♪
Eh? Like I said, right?
It's awful.
- Ugh.
- Oh. Um
Crap. Well, let me
get you another flavor.
No. No, no. I'm good, thanks.
Okay.
[SIGHS] Mm.
So you're a vampire.
You're not. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
Well, I keep telling people I should be.
- "People"?
- Yeah, Reginald, Maurice.
They don't listen to me.
I mean, again, to repeat:
I'm in great shape.
I'm easy on the eyes.
I pretty much meet every
existing vampire standard.
Reginald and Maurice
might have something
to say about those standards.
Oh, yeah, yeah. No, totally.
Of course.
And I support them in their efforts.
But, uh, you get my drift.
I get your drift.
♪
Please make me a vampire like you.
I promise I will honor every day,
every moment of my eternal life.
Okay.
- Sorry, what'd you say?
- I said, "Okay."
I just asked if you'd
turn me into a vampire,
and you are cool with it?
Not tonight.
Not tomorrow.
Let's take it slow, see what happens.
♪
Uh
I'm I'm really sorry.
I don't know what happened there.
Did you glamour me to do that?
No, no. That doesn't make sense.
Uh, just, uh, I think I
got caught up in the moment.
There was like a
connection, a vibe, you know?
You were like, "Oh,
I'll make you vampire."
- I'm like, "Oh, of course."
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
I don't know what I was thinking, man.
No worries, Todd.
You've got a lot to learn.
[WHIMPERS]
[COUGHING]
[WEEPS]
Who are you?
I'm Uriel, one of seven.
And we are your makers.
You're Angels.
You are emissaries of the golden divine.
I kneel before you.
I welcome you.
You're here to save us.
No.
We are here to eradicate
a grievous mistake we made
and must now correct.
Mistake?
- [GRUNTS]
- [SCREAMS]
[THUDDING SOUNDS]
[INTENSE MUSIC]
♪
It's a start.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Look at them.
I got a rule about friends and family.
Pssh I don't know.
It feels like you got both now.
It feels like it.
- We're gonna be busy.
- Yeah.
- What do you got in mind?
- Change.
We can make a brand-new
world for vampires.
- It won't be easy.
- It never is.
Well, where do you want to start?
[SIGHS] Um, vampires can
no longer limit themselves
by shunning those who
are different than them,
especially when it comes to
shapes and sizes and colors
and points of view.
We can do that, right?
Reggie, I'm the deacon of the
Americas, man, not the planet.
Then we'll lead the
rest of them by example.
We have a chance to rebuild
the vampire community
from the ground up
or crypt up, I guess.
- Is that actually a thing?
- [CHUCKLES]
Reggie, that's a tall order.
Look, the world we're trying to build
it won't be built overnight.
Well, we got time.
Good night, man.
Where are you going? It's a party.
Yeah. No, I know.
I just got a lot to think about.
I think better when I walk.
[SOFT, STIRRING MUSIC]
♪
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Maurice?
Question.
Okay.
How many years, or decades, or centuries
does it take for one to forgive?
I don't know.
But it's come to mind lately.
Me and forgiveness.
So you're in charge now.
Yeah, looks like it.
You gonna break those mother ?
What we have here is already broken.
I'm gonna fix it.
Ah, justice.
Turns out I missed it.
What about you, Angela?
No. I just love the game.
You know I'm coming for you, right?
Sooner or later.
Yeah.
Yep.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
I prayed for a different
life in this exact spot.
I prayed here, too.
Really?
What did you pray for?
I'll tell you about
it someday promise.
You know, in theory, this should be
the best day of my life.
You sound like it's not.
The best day of my life
was the day we first met.
Oh, Reginald.
If there's anything I
can do to get us back
to where we were, I'll do it.
Like, if there's some sequence of words
that act like a magic
spell, I will do that, too.
I mean, it'll take me a
while to write it up, but
Nothing matters if I lost you.
Pretty much my baseline.
But I'm human, and you're not.
True. Ha.
You touched my heart,
and then you broke it.
True.
I accept the first
and forgive the second.
That's great news.
But
There's always a
"but," in my experience.
Go on.
I don't know what to do now or next.
There's a lot that I need to figure out.
And that's about you,
but it's about other stuff, too.
And for that, I'll just need time.
Say I have a chance,
and I'll wait forever.
Because as you know, I
I'm entirely capable of doing so.
We have a chance.
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
[AMBIENT BACKGROUND NOISE]
Welcome to the Slushy
Shack. How may I help you?
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
[DRAMATIC, INTENSE MUSIC]
♪