Reno 911! (2003) s01e10 Episode Script

Yeah, reno, This is left-charlie-51.
We are northbound on 395.
Ah, purple-lexus-minnesota Plate, ah, i-i-w-- I-w-d.
Ah, d, dog, dog.
It's a vanity plate.
Oh, it's a vanity plate, Hold on.
I-w-d I.
I will die for-- The letter four, You-- I would die for you.
( Both ) I would die for you.
What was That, prince ? Hell, i don't know.
( Crashing ) ( Sirens blaring ) Oh ho, oh, ho-ho ! ( Police radio chatter ) Aggghhhh ! Here you go-- Lal-la, yeah ( Screaming ) ( Man on radio ) Shots fired ! Oh-ho-ho ! ( Police radio chatter ) ( Sirens blaring ) Yeah, hi, i read Your advertisement In the yellow pages.
Yeah, i was interested In the two-- Exactly, Two girl fantasy.
( Knocking ) Ah yeah, come in.
Well, i'm A lonely Guy.
And i was looking, I was hoping maybe I could get a little Two-girl fantasy show.
Oh, okay.
We got that, Yeah, we got that.
Um, so maybe i'll, Ah, y'know ? You want to watch.
Right.
You are so hot.
No, you are hotter.
I love your boobs.
I want to Spank you.
Oh, you are Such a bad girl.
Oh, i am.
You-- i, You're hot.
You are a nasty Little girl.
You are nasty.
You are So hot.
You are nasty.
Okay, um, time-out.
Uh What ? I'm not buying it.
Wait, no, You have to buy it.
No, no, no, no, I will pay, I will pay you later.
What i'm saying Is that I'm not buying The two-girl fantasy.
Okay, i'm not even One girl And i know that's Not two-girl fantasy.
What i am is a Keen observer.
And i have done a Little bit of dinner theater.
Okay, i don't-- I don't want to tell you How to do your job, But i do have a Couple of notes, okay ? What ? I felt like Yeah.
You were indicating Every single thing You were Trying to convey.
But let's get up again, Let's get on our feet, Let's shake it All out real quick.
Let's shake out that Bad last one.
Let's shake out that Bad double-girl fantasy, Shake it All out.
( Mumbling ) And we're gonna Be very present, And we're going to listen to Our instrument for a minute.
Okay.
We're don't have-- You don't have to Actually hold your boobs.
Jimmy garcia.
Jimmy, jimmy, crack corn And i don't care.
Jimmy crack corn And i don't care Jimmy crack corn And i don't care Jimmy crack corn But i don't care Oh, jimmy crack Corn and i don't care "My master's gone away," That's the lyric.
Okay, lordy, lordy, Here we go again.
Here we go again.
Same french guy.
All right, sir.
Hey, ho, ho, Hold on.
( All yelling at once ) I was here first.
The problem Is this little-- What is the problem ? I've been here since Six a.
M.
, Man.
This kid showed up And made 45 bucks ! ( Beep )hey ! Don't yell at me.
I can yell at you If i want to ! I want that little ( Beep ) out of here ! I want him out of here ! Get the-- I was here first.
This is why Theatre's dead-- watch.
This is why theatre's Dead ! ( Beep ).
Hey, that's real glass, Ain't it huh, huh ? Hey, what's this ? That's your Miranda rights.
You have the right to Remain silent, huh.
That's pretty good.
Little ( beep ).
I'm not scared of you, You piece of ( beep ).
Next time you try to walk Against the wind ( beep ) I'm gonna cut your Little clown balls off.
This is my house ! Woo.
Go get 'em.
Go get 'em.
I'll hold this.
Go get him.
Go get him.
Don't you hit him.
Yeah ! Yeah !Yeah.
Now, we're going to be Present in our instrument.
And double-girl fantasy.
Lights up.
Be present.
Go.
Let's do it.
Yes.
A lot.
Yes.
What do you Want to do ? You.
Me too.
All right, That's good.
Indicating a little bit With the boobs.
We're indicating a little Bit with our boob-touching.
We can touch our boobs with Our voice and our eyes.
You are sexy ! You very hot ! Now we're yelling.
Sorry.
We're not doing Peking opera.
We're doing Double-girl fantasy.
And in three, two, One, fade in.
You're hot.
Yes.
I think you Are so sex-sy.
I think you're Very hot.
I want to Touch your body.
I think you're Very hot.
No, i think that You might be hot.
Wonderful, Wonderful.
How much is that ? ( Clapping ) Yeah, you're Under arrest.
What ?What ? I didn't do anything.
You ! ( Dangle ) Oh, and ah, next order Of business-- You know how we got that $1200 For the "fallen angel program"-- We're supposed to be helping People with helping hands, Get them off The street and what have you.
Ah, i believe by last count We had gotten no people Off the street.
So garcia, Today, if you could Get somebody off the street And help them Start a new life, Other wise we have to give Back the $1200.
And i believe we Spent some of it On the popcorn machine Already so.
Okay.
Okay, and lastly On the agenda, Today is the big day, we're Doing our undercover operation.
We will be going incognito to The "burning man festival" They have in the dessert Right outside of our Beloved reno here.
They say it is a festival Of radical self-expression, But what it really is Is an excuse for people To take l.
S.
D.
We did some research here, You can see these are some Of the l.
S.
D.
Enthusiasts here, On the illegal drug.
So we're going to, ah, Go on deep cover.
Get out there, Try and buy some l.
S.
D.
And try and get some of These people in custody.
Why are you guys the only Ones that get to go ? Well, i'll be honest.
In our research of The "burning man festival," There aren't a tremendous Amount of ladies that go.
So ya'll are Going to fagville And we're here picking up The slack.
Spell what you just said, Because i know it was Not what i think you said, So spell it, And then we'll all be Absolutely certain That it wasn't What i think it was.
You know what, I forgot what i said.
W-e-a-r-e-g-o-i-n-g- T-o-f-a-g-v-i-l-l-e, We are going to fagville.
So ya'll are going out there, Are ya'll going undercover, Or are you going, Y'know, in your uniform ? We're going undercover.
No one's going to notice us, We'll blend in perfectly.
All right, Look out l.
S.
D.
Heads, Here comes johnny law.
Shot gun.
Woo.
Burning man.
Burning man.
Burning man.
( Whistling ) Burning man.
I'm gonna do a Little one-on-one With a member of The community.
She's a great Human being and a whore.
She's got a wonderful Great big heart And a little bit Of a crack problem.
So we're gonna take her out, Clean her up, And see if that Makes a difference.
Fallen angels, Yeah, right, my ass.
Holy ( beep ), I hate my job.
Hey, how are You, jacky ? I'm good, How are you ? How you doin' ? Fine.
Don't touch, It's my purse ! Okay, i'm not gonna Touch it, okay, ho.
Say what you've Got to say, i gotta go.
Okay, now look.
Ah, i want To do-- A ( beep ).
No, i don't, No, hold-- It's two dollars ! Hold, hold.
Listen, i'm gonna take Ya off the streets, We're gonna get ya Cleaned up, all right ? I want to see if i can Turn you into-- Make you an Upstanding member Of the community, okay ? And get you Off the streets.
Would you like To do that ? Yes, please, I would.
All right, Let's go in the car.
Jacky, ho, ho, ho.
Don't call Me a ho ! It's my Birthday by the way.
( Garcia ) I'd like to see if I can make a difference In this individual's life And turn the community around, One whore at a time.
( Knocking ) Jacky, don't-- Don't-- It's open.
When's this Gonna be on ? When's this gonna Be on ?! ( Johnson ) All right, we're doing a Little drug sting today.
Going to a head shop, Staking it out.
Um, i don't know Why everybody thinks I'm the expert on These things.
Testing, testing.
Test-- testing, One, two, testing.
Have a good Time with that.
You're selling lube For 50% off ? Yes, it's 50% off.
We got some Great flavors.
Watermelon and blueberry.
Ooh, i want blueberry.
Yeah.
I'll take two Of the blueberries.
Actually, my name Is terri gone.
Oh, that's a-- That's like an herb name, That's cool.
Yeah, i love The herbs so.
Yeah, my name is lawn.
Hi, lawn.
Which is like Mowing the-- The lawn, i get it.
Yes, it's kind of like Mowing the weeds too, Which is kind of Funny that i work here.
That is exactly what i Wanted to talk to you about.
Oh, you need Something ? I do.
We got like bongs, And, like, bubblers, Side cars, one hitters, Pukahs.
Like, pretty much Whatever you want.
I mean, you're looking For something sort of Small and compact Or like, kinda like-- I'm looking for Something to Put in any One of those items.
Uh-huh.
Kind of pack It in there.
You know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, we sell screens.
Is-- Wait, what ? Does mary jane Still work in the back ? You know what i'm Talking about ? No, but we Carry mary jane gear.
These are cool little holders For your pieces.
You know, you can Stick this light thing-- What do i need A piece for ? What would i Do with a piece ? You know what i'm Talking about ? You can use it to, to-- For your pleasures.
Right, which would Which would-- Be A fun journey.
( Dangle ) All right, it is 1100 hours And me and my associates are In route to "burning man".
And i believe That we are lost.
I'm gonna Turn around.
Try and spin around.
Now, do you have any Idea where we are, Any idea at all ? Ah, well, i don't.
This thong is riding up My crack real hard So i'd love To get out there And bust some l.
S.
D.
Heads And then get home.
You know what i'm saying ? Do you have any Herbal supplements ? Dried herbs that i could, Ah, y'know.
To like ? Take me on a journey.
You know what I'm talking about.
Oh, like to put into this Little chess piece.
Yes.
Now we're-- Sounds like you're Not playing chess.
You're playing Another-- Another game.
Another mind game.
Yeah, i want to Buy some of that.
You mean like-- Let me get real Specific with you.
Okay.
I need mary jane To mow my lawn And sweep up the grass And put it In a bag.
And i might Give her a dime to-- Mow your lawn ? Do you sell pot ? I just really Need some pot.
Put your hands up On the glass.
Oh, whoa, okay.
You're under Arrest, ma'am.
All right, ah-huh, you're Making a mistake here.
I don't think so.
Reno's sheriff's department, I'm with the reno's Sheriff's department.
My name is deputy johnson.
If you don't believe me, You can-- My badge is In my back pocket, You can reach in And get it.
You think any woman Carries a purse that big ? Oh wow, you got a camera Right in there.
It's a camera.
Wow, that's Pretty nice.
Once again, this Is reno p.
D.
, We're still using The stone age model.
Yeah, we've got Actually this.
This is a Bong camera right here.
It's called a tri-- A tri glasser 'Cause it's got three Lenses built into the bong.
Hey, mom.
No, no, say, Hi, bob.
He's in the truck.
Hey, bob.
I'd flash you bob But i'm on duty.
Sorry, buddy, sorry.
And you don't want To see my tits, bob.
Oh, that's too bad, that was Gonna be a good bust.
I thought i had one.
I know, I thought i did too.
You sounded so good.
Yeah, yeah, no, I went to voice-over school Before i became An agent.
Oh, you did ? Yeah, yeah.
You can totally tell.
Really ? Totally tell.
Well, thanks.
( Dangle ) I have a theory about where We went wrong, Which is-- do you remember When we came to-- There was a fork And there was a water tower ? Yeah, about like Yeah, 15 miles back.
And there was a guy, You saw that guy.
The retarded-looking guy.
Yeah, the guy that looked Like he was retarded.
We took a right And you think that We should've took-- I think that we Should not have asked The retarded fellow at all.
He seemed like He knew He seemed Like a local boy.
He seemed like he Knew the area.
He seemed local-- He seemed like he Was from here.
Yes, but he Also seemed retarded.
That's true.
And i think he was Just happy to see people And the pretty costumes.
Do you have that-- The petty cash envelope ? No.
You guys, you guys have Any cash on you ? No.
Okay, on my mark.
On three, two-- Go ! Go, go, go, Go, go, go ! ( Woman ) Stop it ! You didn't Pay the check ! Lady and i, we're gonna go To a nice place to eat, okay.
I sat on my Cigarette in there, Do i have a scar On my ass ? No, i don't Want to see that.
Believe me, you don't.
Jesus christ, this place Is ( beep )en' nice ! No, no, no ! Let's go ahead straight To the table, okay ? May i recommend.
Yes.
Cocktail de pulpa.
Okay, that's octopus cocktail, It's really good here.
Sounds like Cocktail of poopoo.
Which reminds me That yesterday, The only thing i had to eat Yesterday was pixie sticks And this morning it Came out like slushy.
I would like, i would like The camarones rancheros.
The ranch style shrimp.
And she's Gonna have-- Hello, my name is-- Let me do it.
Okay, tell him What you want.
Hi.
My name is jacky, First of all.
Second of all, i was Born in fort wayne, indiana.
And third of all, this water Tastes like ( beep ).
I would like two Orders of shrimps with lemon.
camarones al lemon, Numero seis, por favor.
numero seis, por favor.
That was good.
Now get The ( beep ) out.
That was not good.
You did a good And you did a bad.
You have to do all Good, okay ? That guy really Stinks like balls.
Would you say thank you to This kind gentleman ? Thank you, senor.
I'm sorry that You smell like balls.
Stop doing that.
Sit up Straight.
You're not too happy When i do this.
Oh ( beep ), My wig falls off.
Now everybody knows i Don't have cancer.
( Tapping ) That's a horse.
That story Doesn't wash.
Are you okay ? Don't goof Around.
Jacky, sto-- Hey, hey, ho, ho, ho, Ho, are you okay ? Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, Hold still here, hold still.
Rape ! Rape ! No, no, i'm not-- Rape ! Rape ! No, jacky.
No, no ! Rape ! Okay, we're going.
I wasn't even Really choking, I just did that so I can scream rape.
Don't yell rape.
Rape ! Rape ! Rape ! Thank you, i left Some money for you.
That's a nice Mesh shirt.
It's a little pancho.
Yeah, yeah.
Looks better-- Actually top underneath it Is kind of cute.
Do you Like that ? That's gorgeous.
It's tie-dyed, huh ? I like it.
Tie-dyed the hell Out of that thing.
There's tons of Stuff in there.
I mean, it's not only A smoke shop, But it's Also a sex store.
I noticed that.
Yeah, they sell Super rocks over there.
They got lube balls.
"The temptress," which is An incredible dildo.
Ah, you know, Edible panties.
You ever had those ? I don't wear Them of any sort.
How you doing Today, sir ? I'm good, How are you ? I'm fine.
You realize you're Driving the wrong way Down a one-way Street, though.
Oh, not at all, It's my wedding day so.
Yeah, i see that.
Where's your Bride, sir ? Hi.
Oh.
Would you like To join us ? No, no, I wouldn't.
Um, congratulations.
Okay, just Move along.
I just don't know why He didn't think to go When i was going.
He didn't have To go then.
Do you have to go ? If you have to go, Go now.
No, i can hold it.
Don't hold it, I don't know if there's Gonna be a bathroom When we get there.
If you have to go, Go now.
Go now, go now.
I'm telling you-- I'm giving you a direct order To go use the bathroom.
Well, what if i don't Have to go ? Do you not have to go Or are you holding it ? I can hold it.
Either, either-- If you can hold it.
Either my bladder is Full or it isn't.
So you're not gonna go.
I think you're doing This just to make me mad.
Okay, jacky, Here we are.
Ow.
Yeah.
Okay, sweetie.
Oww.
I'm sorry about that honey, Sorry about that, ma'am.
Got my hair Caught in my purse.
Okay, jacky.
What ? I'm gonna Take you inside This halfway home Here, okay.
Now, there's People inside of here That are gonna take Care of you, okay ? All right ? You step through that Gate there, honey, And that's a Step on the path To a new life, all right ? Three hogs and a cot For ya, okay.
You be good, sweetie, I'll see you tomorrow.
( Beep ).
Okay, get in the car, Get in the car.
Somebody stole My tissues ! Hey ! I'm glad you Caught on this-- Where you going ? Just go, go, go, Go, go, go, go.
Jesus christ.
That was No halfway house.
It's halfway between The restaurant I took her to And where i live.
I'm not a quitter, But that human pile of garbage Would make satan weep.
God vomited And there was jacky.
( Banging ) I don't believe this.
I do not Believe this.
I'm cold.
Ssh.
I'm sort of naked.
Ssh, ssh.
You got a gas can Back there any where ? Is there one in the kit, Under the wheel cover ? Okay.
Lets do it, boys.
Shoe leather Express.
Not a total wash, really.
We got to have some Quality time in the van, Just the guys, you know.
I'm sorry.
We're gonna Laugh about this.
We're gonna laugh about This later.
( Beep ) Oh, ( beep ), Rollers, rollers.
Anybody got their Badge on them ? Where ? Where ? Okay, we can talk Or we can run.
And i don't think We can run in these shoes.
Why don't you Talk to them.
What's going On, gentlemen ? Everything's fine, Nothing to worry about.
Yeah, everything's Fine, huh ? Why are you guys Dressed like that ? Hey, hey, Get down, get down.
( Shouting orders ) Hands down In front of you.
I'm getting down.
I'm putting my hands Behind my back.
Put your hands Behind your back.
My hands are Behind my back.
Do not move, sir.
Oww, oww.
What are you Doing out here ? You're not doing That right.
You're not doing That at all right.
Did you just get out Of the academy or something.
You wouldn't last five Minutes in reno, Neither one Of you mother-( beep ).
Watch your head.
I know how to do it, I know how to do it.
You're going To choke, okay.
Okay.
No smoking.
When i can afford it, i will Be getting liposuction.
There's a guy On third street, He says he'll do It for 40 bucks.
And he works out of A van so he can come to you.
Because you never know Where i might be.
Hey, you know what, One time last week i kicked A guy in the balls so hard It sounded like a Lobster cooking in a pot.
Why did you kick The guy in the balls ? A lady doesn't kick people In the balls ? He wanted me to, It was $3.
Can't do $3.
We're not all Billionaires !