Rescue Me s01e10 Episode Script
Immortal
You're bangin' my wife, huh? - No.
No.
- What do you got to say for yourself? No, no, no, let me explain.
Tommy, listen, I heard it in your voice, okay? I saw it in your eyes.
Listen, okay? You don't know what you're talking about.
She wanted me to-- - Bullshit! Bullshit! - Not bullshit! You wanna explain how sweet her tits tasted? Is that it, you scumbag? My cousin, my best friend! I am your best friend.
You're a worthless piece of shit.
Don't do this, Jimmy! Burn in hell, asshole.
What are you doing? Oh.
Oh, I-- I had a bad dream.
I was at the door knocking, and you said something about being on fire.
In the dream I was I was on fire.
It's okay, Asshole.
It's okay.
What, were you drinking last night? No, no, no.
Here you go, Asshole.
Good boy, Asshole.
Get on the couch.
- "Asshole"? - He likes it.
Whew.
You want some coffee? No.
Tom, I went to the mall last night and tried to charge something, and not only did they refuse my MasterCard.
They also refused my Amex.
Okay, and then I get a call from the bank, saying that you're late on two of the car payments and on a mortgage payment.
- Shit.
- What is going on? I'm sorry.
I screwed up.
Shit.
Okay, well, I need at least four grand just to make the mortgage, the car and the Amex.
Well, where am I gonna get four grand? Well, what about your side jobs? I got nothing this week.
I mean, next week I got two roofs.
I'm installing a pool.
I'm golden next week, but this week's just-- What? Nothing.
You know the kids go to school at what, 8? And then between soccer and baseball and the other bullshit, you don't pick 'em up till what, 4:30? So you can't take a job, even a part-time job? Yeah, I suppose that I could hire a housekeeper to sort of clean up after the kids and vacuum and do the laundry.
Right, but then I'd have to hire a cook, you know, to make the lunches and breakfast and dinner, and then with the salary that I was getting, I think I probably would've spent that paying out my two new, probably Mexican, employees, who would pretty much destroy the entire foundation of my household system because they can't understand a word of goddamn English.
All right.
The foundation of your household system.
You know, I never should've gotten you that giant goddamn house across the street.
I shoulda gotten you the smaller house-- - No, no, you wanted the big house-- - Bullshit! I wanted things to be easier for you.
For dropping the kids off and baby-sitting and everything, I wanted the easiest thing-- Tommy, all that I wanted was a house big enough for three kids, okay? They could each have their own room, and we could grow up normal.
Hey, six kids in my family.
We had two bedrooms.
Shared them with your three brothers.
I know the poor-ass Irish story by heart! - It's true! - Okay, who cares, okay? I care! - I ended up across the street.
- Yeah.
And you ended up spying on me and ruining my relationship with Roger.
Roger was an asshole.
I saved you so much trouble-- You had no right! Goddamn you! I thought I was helping.
If you wanna help, Tommy, then get me the 4000.
Fast.
Stupid bitch.
Fucking asshole! Aw, shit.
Goddamn it.
Shit.
Hey, how you doin'? Hey, Collins, man.
You better have a good excuse, Gavin.
I got a phone call-- That was some daredevil shit back there.
I know, I know.
I got a phone call about 20 minutes ago.
My mom had a heart attack.
- Bullshit.
- No, bro, I'm serious.
Gimme your license and reg.
The honeymoon's over, Gavin, all right? So tell all your friends, all that hero-worshipping you got after 9/11 ain't getting paid any due from us anymore.
We lost guys downtown too, but nobody ever talks about us.
"Three hundred and forty-three firemen.
" There was almost 100 cops.
- Nobody's forgettin' about the cops.
- Guess what: you so as much look at a cop the wrong way and you're paying the price.
All right, asshole? You know, this is gonna come back to bite you in the ass, you know? We got a big hockey game comin' up again in a week.
Yeah, I'm real concerned about payback.
Yeah, I hope your ma don't die while I'm writing you up either.
Have a nice day.
Shithead.
IMMORTAL Hey, you're early.
Tour doesn't start for a half-hour.
Yeah, I wanted to get acclimated.
Um, chief, in my last house, they gave me my own sleeping quarters.
No problem.
And they also gave me my own bathroom.
I can't really be expected to shower and shave with the rest of the guys.
Look, you wanna fight fires with these guys, right? Side by side? Life and death? Right.
Well, then maybe you should figure out where and when to take a shit.
Okay.
Ahem.
Weren't you recently brought up on charges for beating a gay ex-firefighter into a near coma? Yeah.
And wasn't it that and a few other nefarious bits of behavior that put this house in the spotlight, and is the reason why I came here after Billy Warren's death? Right.
So could you imagine the stink it would cause if I called headquarters and said I was getting the cold shoulder from Chief Reilly, over something as stupid as a personal-hygiene issue? Thanks.
Hello.
Dad, Jennifer still won't call me back.
Honey, you gotta give it some time, okay? I see her in the hallway, and then she turns and heads into the other direction.
I-- I think I'm in love, Dad.
All right, well, you know what? Gimme her cell phone number.
She doesn't have a cell phone.
Well, then gimme her home phone number.
What are you gonna do? What if her mother answers? Is her mom a lesbian? No, she's separated, just like you and Mom.
Okay, and is she particularly happy that her daughter's dating another girl? Oh, my God.
She, like, hates my guts.
Perfect.
Let me get a pen.
Hey, Mike.
Hey, don't start any shit, Andy! The guys are right inside.
I don't wanna start any, Mike.
Let me talk to you for a minute.
Mike, just let me talk to you-- Hey, Mike.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, Mike, what's up? You okay? Look, guys, I don't want a problem, all right? Hey, guys, I'm not here to start anything.
Want me to kick this guy's ass? It's all right, guys.
I'm such an asshole.
God! Yeah, well, I'm not gonna argue with you on that front.
Geneva totally freaked out about what happened.
She moved out.
Shit.
Really? Yeah.
I was in love with her, but she totally twisted my head around.
I mean-- I didn't know what I was doing.
I never wanted to hurt you.
I just I was all screwed up.
I-- I'm a conscientious objector.
What? I'm a conscientious objector.
I've never hurt anyone in my life.
Dude, I just wanted to make amends with you, all right? You saved my life, and I-- I screwed yours up.
Yeah, and your own.
Hey! What's goin' on? You still sleepin' here? Yeah, I can't get a cheap new place.
Uh-huh.
You know, find another 40-year-old broad and start bangin' her.
Her, not her daughter.
You cool? Yeah.
Thanks, Tommy.
Dude Dude, I totally get it.
I was meant to come down here this morning.
You are moving in with me.
- No, I can't.
- Yes! You are moving in with me.
I will take the bedroom, and you can have the couch.
No-- Bro, it's free of charge! You saved my life.
We are totally doing this.
It's not even up for discussion.
Well, maybe till I just get on my feet.
Till you get on your feet.
See, I totally get it, dude! Go high, bro.
Hey! Great.
You know, these goddamn Jets, it's like they all have vaginas.
Yeah.
Hey, you got any roofing jobs comin' up this weekend? Yeah, but you know, I already got Franco and Garrity and my brother-in-law.
Ah What's the matter, you need some cash? Yeah, four G's.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
You're not gonna get that? No.
Is that the name "Sondra" that popped up on there? Yeah.
Would that be Billy's ex, that Sondra? Yeah.
Hey, you know, uh, she was a widow in only the most technical of terms, okay? They were married for six weeks.
Okay, Columbo? Fine.
Not like it matters to me.
Obviously not.
Hey.
Hey, Frank, what's up? One guess.
Um Twins.
The Minnesota Twins? No, twins.
Twins, Sean.
Both of whom saw an advance preview of the calendar on the Internet the other day.
One of whom's very attracted to guess who? Uh "Whom?" Right.
Uh, you.
- Really? - Really.
Wait a second.
We're talking about women now, right? Yeah, yeah.
Hot-blooded American twin women.
'Cause the Internet, Frank.
I was reading in the papers, it's like a hotbed for, you know, gay sex and transvestites and chicks with dicks and men with tits.
It's really bad.
Hey.
No, no, no.
Listen, man.
These are chicks, goddamn it, okay? Chicks with tits.
Trust me, the only dicks involved in the equation will be yours and mine, separately, of course.
- You're sure? - Yeah.
Don't you remember this, Sean? I met these two chicks at the bar that night? Heather and Brittany? I gave them my number.
They saw some shots of the calendar.
They called me last night.
Heather wants me, and Brittany wants you.
Oh, Brittany.
Is she cute? Yeah, 5'11" raven-haired blue-eyed hottie with an ass like Elizabeth Hurley's? Yeah, I'd say she's cute.
It sounds like you wanna bang her.
No, I do, but, you know, they're identical twins.
I don't care which one I get.
They're both unbelievable.
Let's just make sure early on they don't have Adam's apples.
All right.
Or even, you know, cocks.
Sorry to interrupt.
Hi.
Uh, we were just talking about-- Cocks.
I heard.
No, no.
Not our cocks.
These girls-- Uh, they don't have cocks.
I don't really care.
Gentlemen, please welcome - the bowler.
- I like it.
Hey, it's not bad.
I found that for Lou.
Huh? Nice.
Anybody got any jobs coming up this weekend, you know? Roofing, landscaping, anything? Lou has a roof.
No, I talked to him.
He's full up.
You know what? Danny Keough over at 71 Truck, he's doing a garage or something this weekend, he might need some guys.
Oh, yeah? How many guys? What are you doing? Making a sandwich.
That's not a sandwich.
That's an introduction to colon cancer.
Huh? Here.
I brought my own stuff.
May I? Yeah, be my guest.
The Jets look like shit this year.
Yeah, I know, but, you know, you gotta give 'em some time.
The Giants look great, though.
Yeah I think Manning's a bum.
Did you guys see what Bush said about Kerry? Ow! What? I don't know.
I think I'm gonna stick with my Packers.
Well, Favre, he's an animal.
Yeah.
I know you guys are talking about my tits and my ass.
Just in case you're wondering, I'm a 34-C cup.
My nipples are slightly larger than average and stand up like top hats when aroused.
My ass is as tight as a snare drum and still soft to the touch.
Wow.
Any other questions? Yeah.
Can I get one of those? No.
Wow, look at that thing.
Did she just say "top hats"? I believe she did.
I've always been a big fan of formal wear.
Oh, I know you have.
Here we go! What'd I tell you? I told you she liked me, right? She gave you a sandwich, not a blow job, asshole.
Hey, this sandwich is not a sandwich, okay? This sandwich is a It's a symbol.
Mm! You know what? This is one of the best goddamn sandwiches I ever had.
Wow.
Thanks.
You're not worried about getting a stomachache? Why? Because we're on our way to a fire.
Sweetheart, I'm golden.
I could eat a whole pizza, five plates of shrimp tempura, and still run right into the bitch.
Superman, huh? Battalion I'm gonna give you a size-up.
The number one exposure is out in the street.
The number two exposure is a vacant parking lot on the left-hand side.
We have smoke pushing out of all three floors.
Ah! Help me! Please help me! So much smoke! Please, I don't wanna die! Battalion 1-5 Aah! We got a female victim on the top floor.
Let's go.
Help me! Somebody, hurry! They're gonna have your ass, Gavin.
What do you think you're doing, Tommy? What the hell is he doing? Tommy! Son of a bitch.
What the hell do you think you're doing up there? Tom, I'm here with the chief.
Get off the ladder.
Tommy, listen to me! He doesn't even have a harness on.
He doesn't have a safety clip on.
He's just askin' for charges, Lou.
Battalion 1-5, check Gavin's radio - Help! Help me! - Tell him to stay where he is.
Make the grab, Tommy! She's gonna jump.
She's gonna jump.
Just relax.
Help me, please! Take it easy.
You're gonna be fine.
Don't jump, okay? Jesus! Holy Christ.
He got her.
Son of a bitch.
I'm gonna give him a foot in the ass, you know that? If I can reach his ass.
Don't look at me.
Face forward.
That's it, yeah.
Use the rungs, okay? Anybody else in your apartment? My mother and brother made it out before the walls came down.
Okay.
Good.
Take it easy, now.
- Hey, Franco! - Yeah? You wanna pop this door? I'm gonna take Probie up to the third floor.
- All right, I got it.
- Come on, Probie.
Right behind you.
Come on, gimme the Halligan.
Come on! Come on! Come on! Let's go! Jesus Christ.
Sorry.
All right, gimme it.
Gimme it.
Gimme it.
You stay here! I'm coming.
I'm coming in.
I said, stay here! Engine 28 Hey, Probie, there's spare cylinders in the back of the Suburban.
Everything go all right in there? She's worse than a goddamn probie.
She's dropping tools.
She's out of breath.
She couldn't even pop a goddamn door, - for chrissakes.
- Welcome to the new F.
D.
N.
Y.
Hey, she, uh, screwed the pooch, right? Yeah, I went with the underdog for once.
- Buy yourself somethin'.
- Thanks, chief.
Shit.
You pass the physical test at the academy? Yeah, only my test didn't include any illegal stunts.
- Yeah.
- I heard what you did.
That move went out with steam engines and scaling ladders.
Let me tell you something, sweetheart.
I didn't pass the bar exam.
I passed the physical test at the fire academy with flying goddamn colors, okay? So next time you wanna talk to me about saving somebody, whether it's illegal or legal means, you're gonna find yourself on your tight little snare-drum ass.
You follow? Hey, not for nothing, Probie, but today, that broad made even you look like you knew what you're doing.
Yeah, what'd I tell you guys? If I'd have got caught in a real jam, - I'd have been on my own.
- Yup? Hey, foxy.
Hey, what's up? Oh, just buying lingerie, thinkin' of you.
Oh, really? Wanna come over tonight? Sure.
Uh, no.
No, actually.
What's going on with you? I'm, uh-- I'm at work.
Hey, let's, uh, switch it up a little bit.
Maybe go to a hotel or something.
Oh which one, dream lover? You know the Gansevoort over on 14th Street? It's the new joint? That, like, hip place? Why don't you meet me there around 8:30, all right? Just check yourself in, go upstairs, order up some Dom Pérignon and some caviar, the whole nine yards, all right? What should I wear? Well, you're in a lingerie store, right? Yes.
Bring four different outfits.
Hello? Uh, hi.
Is, uh, Jennifer there? Who's calling? This is Bobby Timolty from her, um, her science class.
It's a Bobby Timolty.
It's a boy.
Talk to him.
Hello? Jennifer, it's Colleen's dad.
Don't hang up.
Don't say a word, okay? I know your mother hates the fact that you're a lesbian, and I know how you feel about the Murphy kid thing, but she was telling the truth.
She's not involved with that kid, okay? - She's totally in love with you.
- She-- Don't say "she.
" Say, "Oh, how you doing, Bobby?" So it sounds like you're talking to Bobby Timolty, okay? - Oh, how you doing, Bobby? - There you go.
Okay.
Your mom's got a big smile - on her face right now, right? - Yeah.
Yeah, perfect.
Now, listen.
How ya doin'? Fantastic.
Look, I gotta ask.
It's You know the routine.
I can do this job.
I'm just under a lot of pressure, and I've been taking shit from everybody, and all eyes were on me, and yeah, I shit the bed, chief.
I did, but I can do this job.
I've done all of it before.
Look, I could check around about your reputation, but that might be a bit more embarrassing than it already is.
Hmm? After 9/11 there was this paralegal chick that I worked with years ago.
Now, she never passed the physical.
She took it three times, special physical, and they grandfathered her in because she sued the city for sexual harassment.
Now She was talking to The Post, and she said that when she read the list of the 343 heroes that gave their life that day she was disgusted.
Hmm? Disgusted.
Because none of the names on that list were female.
Believe that shit? I actually heard about that.
She didn't think about the parents who lost their children, the children who lost their fathers, the women who lost their husbands.
All she was concerned about were the girls.
Herself and the girls.
My point being this: the mayor, the governor, the courts, Jesus Christ himself, can dictate that you have the right to be here, but unless you can bring somethin' to the table, with the guys in this firehouse, you ain't got a chance.
You just think about that, and you get back to me, huh? Okay.
Oh, and, uh, your bathroom, it'll be up and ready in a couple days.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
DA's office, Detective Gavin.
Hey, it's me.
Look, I got stopped by this cop named Collins this morning, and I tried everything.
I even told him Mom had a heart attack, but nothing worked.
Red Collins? Yeah.
Can you, uh, take care of it for me? Hey, didn't you beat his ass in a hockey game last year? Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Hey, look, didn't you fix some problem a night manager over at the Gansevoort Hotel was having a couple weeks ago? Yeah, a little problem with the rooftop club and a couple punks in the bar.
Why? So he owes you a favor, right? A couple favors.
Well, I need one.
Tommy.
Timo.
Look, I need you to call him and get me a room for the next three hours, all right? Those are my favors, Tommy.
For me.
Timo, it'd be terrible if that nightclub inside that hotel got closed down tonight because of a violation of fire safety rules, don't you think? You're a prick.
Douchebag.
Make sure all the food and booze is comped too, okay? - No way, Tommy.
- Bye-bye.
This is ridiculous.
Tommy? Hello? It takes a bagpipe.
I don't get it.
Mm.
You see, baby, the octopus thought that the bagpipes was another octopus, and he wanted to have sex with him.
Oh.
Oh! That's funny! Funny.
Yeah.
Excuse us.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hurry back sweet, sexy thing.
Goddamn, man, your twin has a great ass.
Yeah.
God.
So does yours.
Yeah, but yours is I mean, it's perfect.
Did you see the eyes on your twin? I mean, they're darker than my twin.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's hot.
Plus, those lips.
Oh, God.
Yeah, you know, they're a little small.
See, I like that.
I like that.
We gotta switch.
- Yeah, you take Heather.
- You take Brittany.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Abso-goddamn-lutely.
Um how? Yeah? Yeah, it's me.
Hey, Dad.
What's goin' on? How you doin'? Ah, good.
Good.
How's Ma? She went to the grocery store.
She's making her famous chicken casserole tonight.
God help us.
So what do you need? Well, I wanted some of them shooters and a little mini-fridge, like Teddy had.
Stick it in the basement.
Your mother will never know.
Dad - Tommy.
- All right, all right.
I'll see what I can do.
Oh, shit.
Here she comes.
Thanks, Tom.
Jesus Christ almighty.
Go high, bro.
So, uh, first night.
What do you wanna do? You wanna, uh, wanna go out? You wanna stay in? Or, uh, whatever you wanna do.
Um, you know, I had a long day.
Plus, I've been sleeping at the firehouse, and I get the rookie bed, which is like sleeping on concrete.
Dude, no problem.
We'll just stay in.
Oh, you know what's on tonight? The Mickey Mantle documentary.
Fox is rebroadcasting it.
The one hour-long version? The hour-long version.
You go high, bro.
Now go low.
Oh, and to top it off, guess what I got? What? Jell-O shots.
Jesus.
You think of everything.
A little lemon-lime.
A little blue surge.
You don't scare me.
Bring it on.
Yeah, I thought so.
Cheers, bro.
Oh! Ho, ho.
Oh! Oh! Mm, Heather, sweetheart, excuse me.
I gotta hit the little boy's room, okay? Sean? Yeah.
What? Oh, hey, you know what? We'll be right back.
Uh.
What are you doin'? What, you're not gonna piss? No.
Now, look.
Okay, this is what I'm thinkin'.
We get the check here, right? We go to another place.
When we get to the other place, you make sure you sit on the same side of the table as Heather does, and I'll do the same with Brittany.
- You think they'll get the hint? - How couldn't they? What if they get pissed off? Well, then we'll just have to, you know, pretend like we got confused and try to have sex with our original assignments, although I don't know how I'm gonna get around that mole on Heather's right tit.
See, again, I think that's hot.
That's like a tribute to Cindy Crawford.
Ugh.
Come on.
What? What? What? I really gotta go now.
Hey.
Hey! Shit.
--In the Yankees' right field, Mickey Mantle Goddamn.
What a specimen he was, huh? Joe DiMaggio Look at his forearms.
They're the size of my legs, bro.
Yeah.
Whew.
I mean, he's just incredible.
I mean, the guy was a rock.
It was like he was made out of granite.
And 97 RBIs over the next eight seasons.
Whoa! That's power, dude.
That is pure power.
Oh, no, thanks.
Department policy.
Oh, right.
Sorry, dude.
Sorry about that.
You mind if I-- No, no.
Knock yourself out.
Cool.
Holy shit, did you see that catch? Mm So I was talking to my friend, Lisa, last night.
You know, my psychic friend? Mm-hmm.
And she said that when she first met you in the supermarket, when she touched your hand Mm-hmm? She thinks that you're a ghost magnet.
I-- I'm a-- I'm a "ghost magnet"? Yeah.
Look, she's really, really empowered.
Oh, Sheila She really is, honey.
And she's almost never wrong, and she said that she got this vibe from you.
She got a vibe from me? I don't have a vibe, okay? I can't afford a vibe.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, take it easy.
"A vibe.
" Look, she said that you're an open vessel.
I'm a vessel.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
I'm a boat.
I'm a goddamn boat full of ghosts.
Yeah.
She said that you're prone to visits-- Uh, visitations, I think, is what she said.
Have you seen Jimmy? No.
He's dead.
Don't lie to me.
Okay.
I have not seen Jimmy.
You know how important it would be to me if I could, okay? And I'm not a ghost magnet or a boat or-- Vessel.
Whatever.
All right? I'm me.
Okay? Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Let's get our stuff and get out of here.
His final four years with the Yankees were far from his finest.
Injuries and drinking affected his performance considerably and ultimately dropped his lifetime batting average to 298.
Have a seat.
Excuse me.
All right.
Oh Another round of Cosmos for everybody? Thank you, please.
We'll take four Cosmos, two with cherry, please.
So this place is nice.
Yeah, it's new.
- So.
- So, uh-- What? Look, guys, what is it? Spit it out, guys.
You tell them, Franco.
We switched the seating arrangements for a reason.
Really? Yeah, look, no offense, Brittany.
I think you're really, really, really cute.
It's just that I got this thing for, like, not tiny, but smaller than your sister's-- Uh, than, your lips.
And she's got this mole that's been driving me crazy.
And I just fell in love with your ass, Brittany.
I mean, it is, um It's-- I'm sorry.
No offense to you, Heather.
I mean, your ass is great, but your sister's is, uh, well, it's right up my alley.
I'm Brittany.
What? She's Brittany.
I'm Heather.
Check out my mole.
Check out my mole.
Oh.
Check out our asses.
You blew it, boys.
And that's too bad, 'cause I was gonna bang your brains out.
And here's your drinks.
Just can't keep that up.
I mean, no one runs out of money forever.
It's just, you double down, you come back.
It's just not gonna work out, you know.
How can you expect anyone to-- Hey! Oh, hey, Tom.
I was just talking about you.
To who? Uh, myself.
What's going on? Aw, T, I got nowhere to-- I got no-- I lost the house.
How? Atlantic City.
Jesus, Teddy.
Yeah, I know.
I was on a roll and everything.
Next thing you know, I got no house.
I called your Aunt Peg.
You're not gonna believe this.
She met somebody.
- Really? - Another broad.
She's a lesbian? A dyke! Man.
I got no place to go.
Can I stay? Well, the thing is, I usually sleep on the couch down here.
I, you know, I watch-- Aw, come on, I'm fat.
I'm gonna hit 400 long before anyone in Major League Baseball does again.
Please don't make me climb those stairs.
All right.
All right.
Hey, what's with the money? It's all I got left.
I knew Peg was gonna screw me one day, so I managed to put some cash aside.
Six grand.
Six grand? Wow.
Yeah.
If anything happens to me, I want you to take half and give it to your cousin, Mick, for his church, and the other half to your kids.
What about your kids? My kids are assholes.
Should I take this for you--? Ah, no.
This bag stays right here with me.
Okay, I'll turn the AC up.
- Thanks, kid.
- Okay.
Hey, Tommy.
Yeah? I love you.
I love you too.
I'll see you in the morning, all right? Okay.
All right, bro.
Su casa es mi casa.
You need something? Yep.
What? "Su casa.
" Huh? I get it.
All right.
Good night, bro.
The Mick! Mickey Mantle! The Mick! Good night.
All right.
All right.
Holy shit, bro! I know.
This isn't what it seems, okay? Hey! Dude, I'm not gay.
I'm not gay.
Listen.
Honestly, I'm not.
Hey! Look, look, look, look.
You're the first guy I ever-- - I ever had a hard-on for.
- Hey! Like, literally ever had a hard-on for.
Hey, stop, man! Easy, Mikey.
Easy, Mikey.
Just easy.
Come on.
I just wanna thank you.
Please, just cut-- I just wanna thank you! Mikey! Hey, Mikey! Now, listen.
Let me tell you something.
Ah! Just pretend I'm the Mick, Mike.
All right, just pretend.
Stop it, man! You're sick! Dude.
You got nothing.
Now I'm gonna be Mickey Mantle, and you can be whoever the hell you wanna be.
You can be Nomar, Cam Neely, or you can be Bobby-goddamn-Orr.
I tell you what: I'll make it easy on you, bro.
I'll play the broad.
All right? I'll take it in the ass, and you can be the guy.
Okay? So you can have some fun.
Oh! A Mickey Mantle model.
That's funny.
Goodbye, cruel world.
Tell my wife she can kiss my ass.
Yeah? So how you doing on the money front? Jesus Christ, Janet.
Look, you're never home.
I saw your truck.
I saw you moving around upstairs.
- Look-- - I need the money, Tom.
Look, if you can't get it, then you gotta tell me.
I talked to Lou.
I called this Keough guy.
Nobody's got anything, all right? Probably have to wait till next week when I get my next check from the city.
- Yeah, great.
- Jesus, how fast do you need it? The bank is on my ass, Tommy.
Well, I didn't know that, okay? Good thing I didn't die.
Well, actually, that depends on how you look at it.
Look, I'm just sayin'-- 'Cause if you had died, between your truck, the house, and the tiny little insurance plan that you were able to get because of your occupation, I'd say I'd have about 150 grand in my hands within two weeks.
Hey, Teddy! Oh, God! Jesus.
Teddy! Hey! Jesus Christ! Jesus, what are you doin' here? What do you mean? Where's Elvis? What? - Isn't this heaven? - No, it's my garage.
Goddamn it! I'm alive! Shit! I only had an eighth of a tank.
I thought I could make it.
Shit! Come on.
Screw it.
This is a sign, T.
A sign of what? My luck's changin'.
God wants me to have fun.
Where you goin'? To the track.
What were you gonna do with all that money? I was takin' it with me.
Hey, Tommy, do me a favor.
Pick up that cash for me, will you? That's it.
You're going on a diet.
- You're not gonna believe this one.
- Try me.
The one on the bottom's a 17-year-old from Brooklyn.
Ran away from home a couple of days ago.
Reported missing by his mother.
Last seen with the one on the top, who's his boyfriend- slash-girlfriend.
Got a fake pair of tits and savin' up to buy a vagina.
Yeah, who isn't? They been up there for about an hour, - gropin' and blowin' each other.
- Oh, man.
Yeah, pretty disgusting.
Come down! You come on up here.
Whoo! That's right.
We just wanna be together.
Traumatized a couple of skateboarders.
Problem is, when the cop gets brave enough to go up there, the two lovebirds keep on climbing higher and higher.
Two fags in a tree.
It's a treesome.
Who's goin' up? The one in the thong's afraid of heights, so, you know, he, she, it's gonna be a real hugger on the way back down.
Who's goin' up? Probie.
Get your ass up there.
Please, guys, no.
I'll go.
We have a right to be here.
We're staying till the end of time, right? Go.
Stay back here, people.
I got a double sawbuck says she don't bring 'em down, all the way down, on the ground.
Oh, I'm in.
There's no way she can do that.
In.
Good news, kid.
I turned that three grand into 12 large.
Holy shit.
You know the three grand I had for your kids? I still got it.
If you want, I can play it for you.
Uh Let me think.
I don't know, Lou.
I'd like nothin' better to see her screw up so we can get her the hell out of this firehouse, but I'm going with my gut.
All right.
Whatever.
Tommy, you still with me? Make the call now, kid.
Window's closing.
All right, you know what? Let it ride.
Good boy.
I'm not gonna go down losing, guys.
We just wanna be left alone.
Get ready to pay up, chief.
I guess I'll come down.
Why don't you come down first.
Remember the bet.
The bet is on the ground.
Hey, what are those, pain pills? - Superman pills.
- You better watch that shit, Gav.
It can lead to errors of judgment.
Yeah? Yeah, really.
Come on down, come on.
Take your time.
Be what you wanna be! Okay, thank you.
Up against the wall.
Hands behind your back.
She pulled it off, Lou.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Nice job.
- Thanks.
What'd you say to them up there? I said, "Look, I already have a vagina, and I know one of you two is looking to get one, so why don't we come down on the ground and talk about this like girlfriends?" And I promised to get 'em a drink and make sure nobody pressed charges.
Why would they buy that? Because two of us already have tits.
So, did I prove that - I can bring something to this team? - Yeah.
Two fags up a tree.
- We get that six times a week.
- Kiss my ass.
You'd love that, wouldn't you, sweetheart? Why don't you just--? Hey, hey, hey.
Don't get your Irish up, huh? I did these guys a favor.
Nobody wanted to go up there, and I did it well, and I still catch shit? Hey, this is no sprint, sweetheart, huh? You won the battle.
The war still goes on.
You tuck this one under your belt and you move on.
Tommy Gavin is dangerous, chief.
Stay away from Tommy Gavin.
He's crazy.
The whole New York City Fire Department is crazy.
And there's crazy-good and crazy-bad.
Right now, Gavin is crazy-good.
Yeah? Hey, kid, we hit it big.
Aah! So you are drinking again.
Yep.
Hmm.
There's been a lot of talk about you seeing Sheila.
A lot.
Mm-hm.
Okay.
Uh, Colleen has hooked back up with Jennifer.
Okay, so I sent them over-- Yeah, you sent them over to my house.
I know.
They're fine.
You know, Tom, I really, really disapprove of the situation, and I would greatly appreciate it if you would help me to get control of it.
Mm.
That's good.
Obviously, it is just a phase that-- Did you call Roger? Ahh.
Did you hear what I said? Yeah.
And, yes, I did call him.
And? And he's traveling right now.
I think he's going to Philadelphia.
And I was expecting him to call just when you barged in.
I think you asked me for what, about, uh, four grand? I think there's about six or seven here.
Where did you get it, Tom? The harder I work the luckier I goddamn get.
No.
- What do you got to say for yourself? No, no, no, let me explain.
Tommy, listen, I heard it in your voice, okay? I saw it in your eyes.
Listen, okay? You don't know what you're talking about.
She wanted me to-- - Bullshit! Bullshit! - Not bullshit! You wanna explain how sweet her tits tasted? Is that it, you scumbag? My cousin, my best friend! I am your best friend.
You're a worthless piece of shit.
Don't do this, Jimmy! Burn in hell, asshole.
What are you doing? Oh.
Oh, I-- I had a bad dream.
I was at the door knocking, and you said something about being on fire.
In the dream I was I was on fire.
It's okay, Asshole.
It's okay.
What, were you drinking last night? No, no, no.
Here you go, Asshole.
Good boy, Asshole.
Get on the couch.
- "Asshole"? - He likes it.
Whew.
You want some coffee? No.
Tom, I went to the mall last night and tried to charge something, and not only did they refuse my MasterCard.
They also refused my Amex.
Okay, and then I get a call from the bank, saying that you're late on two of the car payments and on a mortgage payment.
- Shit.
- What is going on? I'm sorry.
I screwed up.
Shit.
Okay, well, I need at least four grand just to make the mortgage, the car and the Amex.
Well, where am I gonna get four grand? Well, what about your side jobs? I got nothing this week.
I mean, next week I got two roofs.
I'm installing a pool.
I'm golden next week, but this week's just-- What? Nothing.
You know the kids go to school at what, 8? And then between soccer and baseball and the other bullshit, you don't pick 'em up till what, 4:30? So you can't take a job, even a part-time job? Yeah, I suppose that I could hire a housekeeper to sort of clean up after the kids and vacuum and do the laundry.
Right, but then I'd have to hire a cook, you know, to make the lunches and breakfast and dinner, and then with the salary that I was getting, I think I probably would've spent that paying out my two new, probably Mexican, employees, who would pretty much destroy the entire foundation of my household system because they can't understand a word of goddamn English.
All right.
The foundation of your household system.
You know, I never should've gotten you that giant goddamn house across the street.
I shoulda gotten you the smaller house-- - No, no, you wanted the big house-- - Bullshit! I wanted things to be easier for you.
For dropping the kids off and baby-sitting and everything, I wanted the easiest thing-- Tommy, all that I wanted was a house big enough for three kids, okay? They could each have their own room, and we could grow up normal.
Hey, six kids in my family.
We had two bedrooms.
Shared them with your three brothers.
I know the poor-ass Irish story by heart! - It's true! - Okay, who cares, okay? I care! - I ended up across the street.
- Yeah.
And you ended up spying on me and ruining my relationship with Roger.
Roger was an asshole.
I saved you so much trouble-- You had no right! Goddamn you! I thought I was helping.
If you wanna help, Tommy, then get me the 4000.
Fast.
Stupid bitch.
Fucking asshole! Aw, shit.
Goddamn it.
Shit.
Hey, how you doin'? Hey, Collins, man.
You better have a good excuse, Gavin.
I got a phone call-- That was some daredevil shit back there.
I know, I know.
I got a phone call about 20 minutes ago.
My mom had a heart attack.
- Bullshit.
- No, bro, I'm serious.
Gimme your license and reg.
The honeymoon's over, Gavin, all right? So tell all your friends, all that hero-worshipping you got after 9/11 ain't getting paid any due from us anymore.
We lost guys downtown too, but nobody ever talks about us.
"Three hundred and forty-three firemen.
" There was almost 100 cops.
- Nobody's forgettin' about the cops.
- Guess what: you so as much look at a cop the wrong way and you're paying the price.
All right, asshole? You know, this is gonna come back to bite you in the ass, you know? We got a big hockey game comin' up again in a week.
Yeah, I'm real concerned about payback.
Yeah, I hope your ma don't die while I'm writing you up either.
Have a nice day.
Shithead.
IMMORTAL Hey, you're early.
Tour doesn't start for a half-hour.
Yeah, I wanted to get acclimated.
Um, chief, in my last house, they gave me my own sleeping quarters.
No problem.
And they also gave me my own bathroom.
I can't really be expected to shower and shave with the rest of the guys.
Look, you wanna fight fires with these guys, right? Side by side? Life and death? Right.
Well, then maybe you should figure out where and when to take a shit.
Okay.
Ahem.
Weren't you recently brought up on charges for beating a gay ex-firefighter into a near coma? Yeah.
And wasn't it that and a few other nefarious bits of behavior that put this house in the spotlight, and is the reason why I came here after Billy Warren's death? Right.
So could you imagine the stink it would cause if I called headquarters and said I was getting the cold shoulder from Chief Reilly, over something as stupid as a personal-hygiene issue? Thanks.
Hello.
Dad, Jennifer still won't call me back.
Honey, you gotta give it some time, okay? I see her in the hallway, and then she turns and heads into the other direction.
I-- I think I'm in love, Dad.
All right, well, you know what? Gimme her cell phone number.
She doesn't have a cell phone.
Well, then gimme her home phone number.
What are you gonna do? What if her mother answers? Is her mom a lesbian? No, she's separated, just like you and Mom.
Okay, and is she particularly happy that her daughter's dating another girl? Oh, my God.
She, like, hates my guts.
Perfect.
Let me get a pen.
Hey, Mike.
Hey, don't start any shit, Andy! The guys are right inside.
I don't wanna start any, Mike.
Let me talk to you for a minute.
Mike, just let me talk to you-- Hey, Mike.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, Mike, what's up? You okay? Look, guys, I don't want a problem, all right? Hey, guys, I'm not here to start anything.
Want me to kick this guy's ass? It's all right, guys.
I'm such an asshole.
God! Yeah, well, I'm not gonna argue with you on that front.
Geneva totally freaked out about what happened.
She moved out.
Shit.
Really? Yeah.
I was in love with her, but she totally twisted my head around.
I mean-- I didn't know what I was doing.
I never wanted to hurt you.
I just I was all screwed up.
I-- I'm a conscientious objector.
What? I'm a conscientious objector.
I've never hurt anyone in my life.
Dude, I just wanted to make amends with you, all right? You saved my life, and I-- I screwed yours up.
Yeah, and your own.
Hey! What's goin' on? You still sleepin' here? Yeah, I can't get a cheap new place.
Uh-huh.
You know, find another 40-year-old broad and start bangin' her.
Her, not her daughter.
You cool? Yeah.
Thanks, Tommy.
Dude Dude, I totally get it.
I was meant to come down here this morning.
You are moving in with me.
- No, I can't.
- Yes! You are moving in with me.
I will take the bedroom, and you can have the couch.
No-- Bro, it's free of charge! You saved my life.
We are totally doing this.
It's not even up for discussion.
Well, maybe till I just get on my feet.
Till you get on your feet.
See, I totally get it, dude! Go high, bro.
Hey! Great.
You know, these goddamn Jets, it's like they all have vaginas.
Yeah.
Hey, you got any roofing jobs comin' up this weekend? Yeah, but you know, I already got Franco and Garrity and my brother-in-law.
Ah What's the matter, you need some cash? Yeah, four G's.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
You're not gonna get that? No.
Is that the name "Sondra" that popped up on there? Yeah.
Would that be Billy's ex, that Sondra? Yeah.
Hey, you know, uh, she was a widow in only the most technical of terms, okay? They were married for six weeks.
Okay, Columbo? Fine.
Not like it matters to me.
Obviously not.
Hey.
Hey, Frank, what's up? One guess.
Um Twins.
The Minnesota Twins? No, twins.
Twins, Sean.
Both of whom saw an advance preview of the calendar on the Internet the other day.
One of whom's very attracted to guess who? Uh "Whom?" Right.
Uh, you.
- Really? - Really.
Wait a second.
We're talking about women now, right? Yeah, yeah.
Hot-blooded American twin women.
'Cause the Internet, Frank.
I was reading in the papers, it's like a hotbed for, you know, gay sex and transvestites and chicks with dicks and men with tits.
It's really bad.
Hey.
No, no, no.
Listen, man.
These are chicks, goddamn it, okay? Chicks with tits.
Trust me, the only dicks involved in the equation will be yours and mine, separately, of course.
- You're sure? - Yeah.
Don't you remember this, Sean? I met these two chicks at the bar that night? Heather and Brittany? I gave them my number.
They saw some shots of the calendar.
They called me last night.
Heather wants me, and Brittany wants you.
Oh, Brittany.
Is she cute? Yeah, 5'11" raven-haired blue-eyed hottie with an ass like Elizabeth Hurley's? Yeah, I'd say she's cute.
It sounds like you wanna bang her.
No, I do, but, you know, they're identical twins.
I don't care which one I get.
They're both unbelievable.
Let's just make sure early on they don't have Adam's apples.
All right.
Or even, you know, cocks.
Sorry to interrupt.
Hi.
Uh, we were just talking about-- Cocks.
I heard.
No, no.
Not our cocks.
These girls-- Uh, they don't have cocks.
I don't really care.
Gentlemen, please welcome - the bowler.
- I like it.
Hey, it's not bad.
I found that for Lou.
Huh? Nice.
Anybody got any jobs coming up this weekend, you know? Roofing, landscaping, anything? Lou has a roof.
No, I talked to him.
He's full up.
You know what? Danny Keough over at 71 Truck, he's doing a garage or something this weekend, he might need some guys.
Oh, yeah? How many guys? What are you doing? Making a sandwich.
That's not a sandwich.
That's an introduction to colon cancer.
Huh? Here.
I brought my own stuff.
May I? Yeah, be my guest.
The Jets look like shit this year.
Yeah, I know, but, you know, you gotta give 'em some time.
The Giants look great, though.
Yeah I think Manning's a bum.
Did you guys see what Bush said about Kerry? Ow! What? I don't know.
I think I'm gonna stick with my Packers.
Well, Favre, he's an animal.
Yeah.
I know you guys are talking about my tits and my ass.
Just in case you're wondering, I'm a 34-C cup.
My nipples are slightly larger than average and stand up like top hats when aroused.
My ass is as tight as a snare drum and still soft to the touch.
Wow.
Any other questions? Yeah.
Can I get one of those? No.
Wow, look at that thing.
Did she just say "top hats"? I believe she did.
I've always been a big fan of formal wear.
Oh, I know you have.
Here we go! What'd I tell you? I told you she liked me, right? She gave you a sandwich, not a blow job, asshole.
Hey, this sandwich is not a sandwich, okay? This sandwich is a It's a symbol.
Mm! You know what? This is one of the best goddamn sandwiches I ever had.
Wow.
Thanks.
You're not worried about getting a stomachache? Why? Because we're on our way to a fire.
Sweetheart, I'm golden.
I could eat a whole pizza, five plates of shrimp tempura, and still run right into the bitch.
Superman, huh? Battalion I'm gonna give you a size-up.
The number one exposure is out in the street.
The number two exposure is a vacant parking lot on the left-hand side.
We have smoke pushing out of all three floors.
Ah! Help me! Please help me! So much smoke! Please, I don't wanna die! Battalion 1-5 Aah! We got a female victim on the top floor.
Let's go.
Help me! Somebody, hurry! They're gonna have your ass, Gavin.
What do you think you're doing, Tommy? What the hell is he doing? Tommy! Son of a bitch.
What the hell do you think you're doing up there? Tom, I'm here with the chief.
Get off the ladder.
Tommy, listen to me! He doesn't even have a harness on.
He doesn't have a safety clip on.
He's just askin' for charges, Lou.
Battalion 1-5, check Gavin's radio - Help! Help me! - Tell him to stay where he is.
Make the grab, Tommy! She's gonna jump.
She's gonna jump.
Just relax.
Help me, please! Take it easy.
You're gonna be fine.
Don't jump, okay? Jesus! Holy Christ.
He got her.
Son of a bitch.
I'm gonna give him a foot in the ass, you know that? If I can reach his ass.
Don't look at me.
Face forward.
That's it, yeah.
Use the rungs, okay? Anybody else in your apartment? My mother and brother made it out before the walls came down.
Okay.
Good.
Take it easy, now.
- Hey, Franco! - Yeah? You wanna pop this door? I'm gonna take Probie up to the third floor.
- All right, I got it.
- Come on, Probie.
Right behind you.
Come on, gimme the Halligan.
Come on! Come on! Come on! Let's go! Jesus Christ.
Sorry.
All right, gimme it.
Gimme it.
Gimme it.
You stay here! I'm coming.
I'm coming in.
I said, stay here! Engine 28 Hey, Probie, there's spare cylinders in the back of the Suburban.
Everything go all right in there? She's worse than a goddamn probie.
She's dropping tools.
She's out of breath.
She couldn't even pop a goddamn door, - for chrissakes.
- Welcome to the new F.
D.
N.
Y.
Hey, she, uh, screwed the pooch, right? Yeah, I went with the underdog for once.
- Buy yourself somethin'.
- Thanks, chief.
Shit.
You pass the physical test at the academy? Yeah, only my test didn't include any illegal stunts.
- Yeah.
- I heard what you did.
That move went out with steam engines and scaling ladders.
Let me tell you something, sweetheart.
I didn't pass the bar exam.
I passed the physical test at the fire academy with flying goddamn colors, okay? So next time you wanna talk to me about saving somebody, whether it's illegal or legal means, you're gonna find yourself on your tight little snare-drum ass.
You follow? Hey, not for nothing, Probie, but today, that broad made even you look like you knew what you're doing.
Yeah, what'd I tell you guys? If I'd have got caught in a real jam, - I'd have been on my own.
- Yup? Hey, foxy.
Hey, what's up? Oh, just buying lingerie, thinkin' of you.
Oh, really? Wanna come over tonight? Sure.
Uh, no.
No, actually.
What's going on with you? I'm, uh-- I'm at work.
Hey, let's, uh, switch it up a little bit.
Maybe go to a hotel or something.
Oh which one, dream lover? You know the Gansevoort over on 14th Street? It's the new joint? That, like, hip place? Why don't you meet me there around 8:30, all right? Just check yourself in, go upstairs, order up some Dom Pérignon and some caviar, the whole nine yards, all right? What should I wear? Well, you're in a lingerie store, right? Yes.
Bring four different outfits.
Hello? Uh, hi.
Is, uh, Jennifer there? Who's calling? This is Bobby Timolty from her, um, her science class.
It's a Bobby Timolty.
It's a boy.
Talk to him.
Hello? Jennifer, it's Colleen's dad.
Don't hang up.
Don't say a word, okay? I know your mother hates the fact that you're a lesbian, and I know how you feel about the Murphy kid thing, but she was telling the truth.
She's not involved with that kid, okay? - She's totally in love with you.
- She-- Don't say "she.
" Say, "Oh, how you doing, Bobby?" So it sounds like you're talking to Bobby Timolty, okay? - Oh, how you doing, Bobby? - There you go.
Okay.
Your mom's got a big smile - on her face right now, right? - Yeah.
Yeah, perfect.
Now, listen.
How ya doin'? Fantastic.
Look, I gotta ask.
It's You know the routine.
I can do this job.
I'm just under a lot of pressure, and I've been taking shit from everybody, and all eyes were on me, and yeah, I shit the bed, chief.
I did, but I can do this job.
I've done all of it before.
Look, I could check around about your reputation, but that might be a bit more embarrassing than it already is.
Hmm? After 9/11 there was this paralegal chick that I worked with years ago.
Now, she never passed the physical.
She took it three times, special physical, and they grandfathered her in because she sued the city for sexual harassment.
Now She was talking to The Post, and she said that when she read the list of the 343 heroes that gave their life that day she was disgusted.
Hmm? Disgusted.
Because none of the names on that list were female.
Believe that shit? I actually heard about that.
She didn't think about the parents who lost their children, the children who lost their fathers, the women who lost their husbands.
All she was concerned about were the girls.
Herself and the girls.
My point being this: the mayor, the governor, the courts, Jesus Christ himself, can dictate that you have the right to be here, but unless you can bring somethin' to the table, with the guys in this firehouse, you ain't got a chance.
You just think about that, and you get back to me, huh? Okay.
Oh, and, uh, your bathroom, it'll be up and ready in a couple days.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
DA's office, Detective Gavin.
Hey, it's me.
Look, I got stopped by this cop named Collins this morning, and I tried everything.
I even told him Mom had a heart attack, but nothing worked.
Red Collins? Yeah.
Can you, uh, take care of it for me? Hey, didn't you beat his ass in a hockey game last year? Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
Hey, look, didn't you fix some problem a night manager over at the Gansevoort Hotel was having a couple weeks ago? Yeah, a little problem with the rooftop club and a couple punks in the bar.
Why? So he owes you a favor, right? A couple favors.
Well, I need one.
Tommy.
Timo.
Look, I need you to call him and get me a room for the next three hours, all right? Those are my favors, Tommy.
For me.
Timo, it'd be terrible if that nightclub inside that hotel got closed down tonight because of a violation of fire safety rules, don't you think? You're a prick.
Douchebag.
Make sure all the food and booze is comped too, okay? - No way, Tommy.
- Bye-bye.
This is ridiculous.
Tommy? Hello? It takes a bagpipe.
I don't get it.
Mm.
You see, baby, the octopus thought that the bagpipes was another octopus, and he wanted to have sex with him.
Oh.
Oh! That's funny! Funny.
Yeah.
Excuse us.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hurry back sweet, sexy thing.
Goddamn, man, your twin has a great ass.
Yeah.
God.
So does yours.
Yeah, but yours is I mean, it's perfect.
Did you see the eyes on your twin? I mean, they're darker than my twin.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's hot.
Plus, those lips.
Oh, God.
Yeah, you know, they're a little small.
See, I like that.
I like that.
We gotta switch.
- Yeah, you take Heather.
- You take Brittany.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Abso-goddamn-lutely.
Um how? Yeah? Yeah, it's me.
Hey, Dad.
What's goin' on? How you doin'? Ah, good.
Good.
How's Ma? She went to the grocery store.
She's making her famous chicken casserole tonight.
God help us.
So what do you need? Well, I wanted some of them shooters and a little mini-fridge, like Teddy had.
Stick it in the basement.
Your mother will never know.
Dad - Tommy.
- All right, all right.
I'll see what I can do.
Oh, shit.
Here she comes.
Thanks, Tom.
Jesus Christ almighty.
Go high, bro.
So, uh, first night.
What do you wanna do? You wanna, uh, wanna go out? You wanna stay in? Or, uh, whatever you wanna do.
Um, you know, I had a long day.
Plus, I've been sleeping at the firehouse, and I get the rookie bed, which is like sleeping on concrete.
Dude, no problem.
We'll just stay in.
Oh, you know what's on tonight? The Mickey Mantle documentary.
Fox is rebroadcasting it.
The one hour-long version? The hour-long version.
You go high, bro.
Now go low.
Oh, and to top it off, guess what I got? What? Jell-O shots.
Jesus.
You think of everything.
A little lemon-lime.
A little blue surge.
You don't scare me.
Bring it on.
Yeah, I thought so.
Cheers, bro.
Oh! Ho, ho.
Oh! Oh! Mm, Heather, sweetheart, excuse me.
I gotta hit the little boy's room, okay? Sean? Yeah.
What? Oh, hey, you know what? We'll be right back.
Uh.
What are you doin'? What, you're not gonna piss? No.
Now, look.
Okay, this is what I'm thinkin'.
We get the check here, right? We go to another place.
When we get to the other place, you make sure you sit on the same side of the table as Heather does, and I'll do the same with Brittany.
- You think they'll get the hint? - How couldn't they? What if they get pissed off? Well, then we'll just have to, you know, pretend like we got confused and try to have sex with our original assignments, although I don't know how I'm gonna get around that mole on Heather's right tit.
See, again, I think that's hot.
That's like a tribute to Cindy Crawford.
Ugh.
Come on.
What? What? What? I really gotta go now.
Hey.
Hey! Shit.
--In the Yankees' right field, Mickey Mantle Goddamn.
What a specimen he was, huh? Joe DiMaggio Look at his forearms.
They're the size of my legs, bro.
Yeah.
Whew.
I mean, he's just incredible.
I mean, the guy was a rock.
It was like he was made out of granite.
And 97 RBIs over the next eight seasons.
Whoa! That's power, dude.
That is pure power.
Oh, no, thanks.
Department policy.
Oh, right.
Sorry, dude.
Sorry about that.
You mind if I-- No, no.
Knock yourself out.
Cool.
Holy shit, did you see that catch? Mm So I was talking to my friend, Lisa, last night.
You know, my psychic friend? Mm-hmm.
And she said that when she first met you in the supermarket, when she touched your hand Mm-hmm? She thinks that you're a ghost magnet.
I-- I'm a-- I'm a "ghost magnet"? Yeah.
Look, she's really, really empowered.
Oh, Sheila She really is, honey.
And she's almost never wrong, and she said that she got this vibe from you.
She got a vibe from me? I don't have a vibe, okay? I can't afford a vibe.
Jesus Christ.
Hey, take it easy.
"A vibe.
" Look, she said that you're an open vessel.
I'm a vessel.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
I'm a boat.
I'm a goddamn boat full of ghosts.
Yeah.
She said that you're prone to visits-- Uh, visitations, I think, is what she said.
Have you seen Jimmy? No.
He's dead.
Don't lie to me.
Okay.
I have not seen Jimmy.
You know how important it would be to me if I could, okay? And I'm not a ghost magnet or a boat or-- Vessel.
Whatever.
All right? I'm me.
Okay? Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Let's get our stuff and get out of here.
His final four years with the Yankees were far from his finest.
Injuries and drinking affected his performance considerably and ultimately dropped his lifetime batting average to 298.
Have a seat.
Excuse me.
All right.
Oh Another round of Cosmos for everybody? Thank you, please.
We'll take four Cosmos, two with cherry, please.
So this place is nice.
Yeah, it's new.
- So.
- So, uh-- What? Look, guys, what is it? Spit it out, guys.
You tell them, Franco.
We switched the seating arrangements for a reason.
Really? Yeah, look, no offense, Brittany.
I think you're really, really, really cute.
It's just that I got this thing for, like, not tiny, but smaller than your sister's-- Uh, than, your lips.
And she's got this mole that's been driving me crazy.
And I just fell in love with your ass, Brittany.
I mean, it is, um It's-- I'm sorry.
No offense to you, Heather.
I mean, your ass is great, but your sister's is, uh, well, it's right up my alley.
I'm Brittany.
What? She's Brittany.
I'm Heather.
Check out my mole.
Check out my mole.
Oh.
Check out our asses.
You blew it, boys.
And that's too bad, 'cause I was gonna bang your brains out.
And here's your drinks.
Just can't keep that up.
I mean, no one runs out of money forever.
It's just, you double down, you come back.
It's just not gonna work out, you know.
How can you expect anyone to-- Hey! Oh, hey, Tom.
I was just talking about you.
To who? Uh, myself.
What's going on? Aw, T, I got nowhere to-- I got no-- I lost the house.
How? Atlantic City.
Jesus, Teddy.
Yeah, I know.
I was on a roll and everything.
Next thing you know, I got no house.
I called your Aunt Peg.
You're not gonna believe this.
She met somebody.
- Really? - Another broad.
She's a lesbian? A dyke! Man.
I got no place to go.
Can I stay? Well, the thing is, I usually sleep on the couch down here.
I, you know, I watch-- Aw, come on, I'm fat.
I'm gonna hit 400 long before anyone in Major League Baseball does again.
Please don't make me climb those stairs.
All right.
All right.
Hey, what's with the money? It's all I got left.
I knew Peg was gonna screw me one day, so I managed to put some cash aside.
Six grand.
Six grand? Wow.
Yeah.
If anything happens to me, I want you to take half and give it to your cousin, Mick, for his church, and the other half to your kids.
What about your kids? My kids are assholes.
Should I take this for you--? Ah, no.
This bag stays right here with me.
Okay, I'll turn the AC up.
- Thanks, kid.
- Okay.
Hey, Tommy.
Yeah? I love you.
I love you too.
I'll see you in the morning, all right? Okay.
All right, bro.
Su casa es mi casa.
You need something? Yep.
What? "Su casa.
" Huh? I get it.
All right.
Good night, bro.
The Mick! Mickey Mantle! The Mick! Good night.
All right.
All right.
Holy shit, bro! I know.
This isn't what it seems, okay? Hey! Dude, I'm not gay.
I'm not gay.
Listen.
Honestly, I'm not.
Hey! Look, look, look, look.
You're the first guy I ever-- - I ever had a hard-on for.
- Hey! Like, literally ever had a hard-on for.
Hey, stop, man! Easy, Mikey.
Easy, Mikey.
Just easy.
Come on.
I just wanna thank you.
Please, just cut-- I just wanna thank you! Mikey! Hey, Mikey! Now, listen.
Let me tell you something.
Ah! Just pretend I'm the Mick, Mike.
All right, just pretend.
Stop it, man! You're sick! Dude.
You got nothing.
Now I'm gonna be Mickey Mantle, and you can be whoever the hell you wanna be.
You can be Nomar, Cam Neely, or you can be Bobby-goddamn-Orr.
I tell you what: I'll make it easy on you, bro.
I'll play the broad.
All right? I'll take it in the ass, and you can be the guy.
Okay? So you can have some fun.
Oh! A Mickey Mantle model.
That's funny.
Goodbye, cruel world.
Tell my wife she can kiss my ass.
Yeah? So how you doing on the money front? Jesus Christ, Janet.
Look, you're never home.
I saw your truck.
I saw you moving around upstairs.
- Look-- - I need the money, Tom.
Look, if you can't get it, then you gotta tell me.
I talked to Lou.
I called this Keough guy.
Nobody's got anything, all right? Probably have to wait till next week when I get my next check from the city.
- Yeah, great.
- Jesus, how fast do you need it? The bank is on my ass, Tommy.
Well, I didn't know that, okay? Good thing I didn't die.
Well, actually, that depends on how you look at it.
Look, I'm just sayin'-- 'Cause if you had died, between your truck, the house, and the tiny little insurance plan that you were able to get because of your occupation, I'd say I'd have about 150 grand in my hands within two weeks.
Hey, Teddy! Oh, God! Jesus.
Teddy! Hey! Jesus Christ! Jesus, what are you doin' here? What do you mean? Where's Elvis? What? - Isn't this heaven? - No, it's my garage.
Goddamn it! I'm alive! Shit! I only had an eighth of a tank.
I thought I could make it.
Shit! Come on.
Screw it.
This is a sign, T.
A sign of what? My luck's changin'.
God wants me to have fun.
Where you goin'? To the track.
What were you gonna do with all that money? I was takin' it with me.
Hey, Tommy, do me a favor.
Pick up that cash for me, will you? That's it.
You're going on a diet.
- You're not gonna believe this one.
- Try me.
The one on the bottom's a 17-year-old from Brooklyn.
Ran away from home a couple of days ago.
Reported missing by his mother.
Last seen with the one on the top, who's his boyfriend- slash-girlfriend.
Got a fake pair of tits and savin' up to buy a vagina.
Yeah, who isn't? They been up there for about an hour, - gropin' and blowin' each other.
- Oh, man.
Yeah, pretty disgusting.
Come down! You come on up here.
Whoo! That's right.
We just wanna be together.
Traumatized a couple of skateboarders.
Problem is, when the cop gets brave enough to go up there, the two lovebirds keep on climbing higher and higher.
Two fags in a tree.
It's a treesome.
Who's goin' up? The one in the thong's afraid of heights, so, you know, he, she, it's gonna be a real hugger on the way back down.
Who's goin' up? Probie.
Get your ass up there.
Please, guys, no.
I'll go.
We have a right to be here.
We're staying till the end of time, right? Go.
Stay back here, people.
I got a double sawbuck says she don't bring 'em down, all the way down, on the ground.
Oh, I'm in.
There's no way she can do that.
In.
Good news, kid.
I turned that three grand into 12 large.
Holy shit.
You know the three grand I had for your kids? I still got it.
If you want, I can play it for you.
Uh Let me think.
I don't know, Lou.
I'd like nothin' better to see her screw up so we can get her the hell out of this firehouse, but I'm going with my gut.
All right.
Whatever.
Tommy, you still with me? Make the call now, kid.
Window's closing.
All right, you know what? Let it ride.
Good boy.
I'm not gonna go down losing, guys.
We just wanna be left alone.
Get ready to pay up, chief.
I guess I'll come down.
Why don't you come down first.
Remember the bet.
The bet is on the ground.
Hey, what are those, pain pills? - Superman pills.
- You better watch that shit, Gav.
It can lead to errors of judgment.
Yeah? Yeah, really.
Come on down, come on.
Take your time.
Be what you wanna be! Okay, thank you.
Up against the wall.
Hands behind your back.
She pulled it off, Lou.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Nice job.
- Thanks.
What'd you say to them up there? I said, "Look, I already have a vagina, and I know one of you two is looking to get one, so why don't we come down on the ground and talk about this like girlfriends?" And I promised to get 'em a drink and make sure nobody pressed charges.
Why would they buy that? Because two of us already have tits.
So, did I prove that - I can bring something to this team? - Yeah.
Two fags up a tree.
- We get that six times a week.
- Kiss my ass.
You'd love that, wouldn't you, sweetheart? Why don't you just--? Hey, hey, hey.
Don't get your Irish up, huh? I did these guys a favor.
Nobody wanted to go up there, and I did it well, and I still catch shit? Hey, this is no sprint, sweetheart, huh? You won the battle.
The war still goes on.
You tuck this one under your belt and you move on.
Tommy Gavin is dangerous, chief.
Stay away from Tommy Gavin.
He's crazy.
The whole New York City Fire Department is crazy.
And there's crazy-good and crazy-bad.
Right now, Gavin is crazy-good.
Yeah? Hey, kid, we hit it big.
Aah! So you are drinking again.
Yep.
Hmm.
There's been a lot of talk about you seeing Sheila.
A lot.
Mm-hm.
Okay.
Uh, Colleen has hooked back up with Jennifer.
Okay, so I sent them over-- Yeah, you sent them over to my house.
I know.
They're fine.
You know, Tom, I really, really disapprove of the situation, and I would greatly appreciate it if you would help me to get control of it.
Mm.
That's good.
Obviously, it is just a phase that-- Did you call Roger? Ahh.
Did you hear what I said? Yeah.
And, yes, I did call him.
And? And he's traveling right now.
I think he's going to Philadelphia.
And I was expecting him to call just when you barged in.
I think you asked me for what, about, uh, four grand? I think there's about six or seven here.
Where did you get it, Tom? The harder I work the luckier I goddamn get.