Rhoda (1974) s01e10 Episode Script

- MY NAME IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.
I WAS BORN IN THE BRONX, NEW YORK IN DECEMBER, 1941.
I'VE ALWAYS FEL RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WAR II.
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBER LIKING THAT LIKED ME BACK WAS FOOD.
I HAD A BAD PUBERTY.
IT LASTED 17 YEARS.
I'M A HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATE.
I WENT TO ART SCHOOL.
MY ENTRANCE EXAM WAS ON A BOOK OF MATCHES.
I DECIDED TO MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE WHEN I WAS 24.
MY MOTHER STILL REFERS TO THIS AS THE TIME I RAN AWAY FROM HOME.
EVENTUALLY, I RAN TO MINNEAPOLIS, WHERE IT'S COLD, AND I FIGURED I'D KEEP BETTER.
NOW I'M BACK IN MANHATTAN.
NEW YORK, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.
- HELLO.
- HI.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO WAKE YOU UP.
- OH, YES, YOU DID.
- YEAH, I DID.
- YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO.
I WAS ALREADY AWAKE.
- THEN HOW COME YOUR EYES WERE CLOSED? - I WAS JUST THINKING BACK TO ALL THE NICE THINGS THAT HAPPENED.
- LIKE WHAT? - OH, LIKE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
- I REMEMBER IT WELL.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JOE? - WHAT? - HERE WE ARE, ONE DAY MARRIED, NOTHING'S DIFFERENT.
I MEAN, WELL, ONE THING'S DIFFERENT.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, THERE'S A STOMACH MUSCLE THAT'S RELAXED.
- YOU KNOW, OH, I'M REALLY GLAD WE DIDN'T GO AWAY FOR OUR HONEYMOON.
- OH, YEAH, ME, TOO.
- I FIGURE, IF WE WOULD HAVE GONE SOMEWHERE, WE'D JUST BE GETTING THERE NOW.
THIS WAY, WE'VE ALREADY ARRIVED.
- RIGHT.
AND THE VIEW WOULD BE JUST THE SAME ANYWAY, RIGHT? HEY, YOU'RE NOT SORRY WE DIDN'T GO SOMEWHERE, ARE YOU? LIKE A RESOR HOTEL OR SOMETHING? - OH, NO, NO.
UH-UH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE? - WHAT? - WHERE YOU PACK A LOT OF HEAVY SWEATERS, YOU JUMP IN THE CAR, YOU DRIVE UP TO NEW ENGLAND, JUST WHEN THE LEAVES ARE STARTING TO TURN, FIRST FROST IN THE AIR, YOU RENT A CABIN IN THE WOODS, SET A ROARING FIRE, AND THEN YOU LIE IN FRONT OF I WITH A GLASS OF WINE.
- GEE, I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.
- NEITHER HAVE I.
BUT IT SOUNDED GOOD, DIDN'T IT? DO YOU WANT ME TO FIX YOU BREAKFAST? - NAH! - EVER? HELLO, HAPPINESS.
AHH.
OH, JOE.
- YEAH? - ISN'T IT NICE TO KNOW THA AS HAPPY AS WE ARE TODAY, THERE'S SOMEONE WHO'S EVEN HAPPIER? MY MOTHER.
- OH, YEAH, SHE SURE WAS HAPPY YESTERDAY.
SAY, WHAT WAS SHE HOLLERING TO US WHEN WE DROVE AWAY? - OH, WHO KNOWS? PROBABLY SOME FINAL WORDS OF WISDOM, LIKE "BE SURE TO HAVE A HOT MEAL FIRST.
" - HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S TRY NEVER TO DO ANYTHING ROUTINE.
- ALL RIGHT.
- I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE WE'RE MARRIED LET'S NOT JUMP OUT OF BED AT THE LAST MINUTE AND GRAB COFFEE, AND, I DON'T KNOW, RUN.
LET'S DO THIS EVERYDAY.
OK? - OK, YEAH EXCEPT, JOE, WE MIGHT NO ALWAYS BE AWAKE LIKE THIS AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING.
[BUZZER.]
[BUZZER.]
- YES, CARLTON? - YES.
THIS IS CARLTON, YOUR DOORMAN.
I THOUGHT I'D TELL YOU, YOUR SISTER, YOU KNOW, THE ONE WHO'S BEEN OUT ALL NIGHT? WELL, SHE FINALLY GOT HOME.
SHE'S ON HER WAY UP.
- CARLTON, I HATE TO SPOIL YOUR GOSSIP, BUT SHE GO MARRIED YESTERDAY.
SHE DOESN' LIVE HERE ANYMORE.
- OH.
THEN I GUESS MY HOTTEST ITEM IS THAT THEY'RE HIDING A PUPPY IN 5-E.
- HI, BRENDA.
- HEY, HEY, HEY! IT'S MRS.
GERARD.
- YES, IT IS.
- MRS.
GERARD.
- YEAH.
- I BET IT FEELS FUNNY HEARING THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME.
- WHAT FIRST TIME? MA KEPT INTRODUCING ME LIKE THAT ALL LAST NIGHT.
"THIS IS MRS.
GERARD, THANK GOD.
" - HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE SO EARLY THE MORNING AFTER YOUR WEDDING? EVEN I'M EXHAUSTED.
- THE THING IS WE LEFT AT 7:00.
HOW LATE DID YOU STAY? - OH, WE LEFT A LOT LATER.
- YEAH? - YEAH.
- SO TELL ME EVERYTHING THA HAPPENED AFTER WE LEFT.
- OH.
EVERYBODY SAID YOU LOOKED BEAUTIFUL.
AND EVERYBODY SAID I LOOKED BEAUTIFUL.
- YOU DID.
YES.
- POP HAD A FEW DRINKS AND ASKED PEOPLE TO GUESS WHAT THE WEDDING COST.
- NO.
- AND MA HAD A FEW DRINKS AND TOLD THEM.
- YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
OH, MY! - YOU KNOW, THE LAST THING I REMEMBER WAS ALL OUR AUNTS WALKING INTO THE SUNRISE, EACH ONE CARRYING A CENTERPIECE.
- PERFECT WEDDING.
JUST TERRIFIC, REALLY.
- EVEN NICK SAID SO, AND HE'S BEEN TO A LOT OF THEM.
- NICK? WHO IS THAT? - THE ACCORDION PLAYER, NICK LOBO.
- OH, YEAH.
- DO YOU KNOW, I NEVER GO INVOLVED WITH ANYONE SO FAS IN MY LIFE.
- HOW INVOLVED DID YOU GET? - WELL, I CAN ALMOST PLAY "LADY OF SPAIN.
" HEY, DO YOU WAN SOMETHING TO EAT? - NO, BRENDA, LISTEN, I JUST CAME BY TO GET THESE WEDDING GIFTS OU OF YOUR WAY AND TO RETURN YOUR KEY TO YOU.
- OH, MA'S BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU.
SHE CALLED ME BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DISTURB YOU ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT.
- YEAH, SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO KNOW IF I FAINTED.
WELL, I'LL TALK TO HER LATER.
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
UNLESS THIS IS HER, IN WHICH CASE I'LL TALK TO HER NOW.
HELLO? YEAH, YEAH, IT'S ME.
NO, MA, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE MARRIAGE.
I JUST DROPPED BY TO SEE BRENDA.
WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, MARRIED LIFE SEEMS TO AGREE WITH ME SO FAR.
YEAH.
MA, I KNOW THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN JUST THAT.
LISTEN, I'M PRESSED FOR TIME HERE.
COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN A WEDDING GIFT? YOU ALREADY GAVE US A WEDDING GIFT.
THE WEDDING.
FUNNY, I NEVER THOUGH OF THAT AS MY GIFT TO YOU.
YEAH, YEAH, OK.
WELL, ALL RIGHT, MA.
TONIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN COME OVER AFTER DINNER, I SUPPOSE.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHA TIME WE'LL FINISH.
GOOD THINKING, MA, IF YOU COME OVER BEFORE DINNER, THAT MEANS YOU'LL FINISH WITH US.
YES.
I'LL SEE YOU AT 7:30.
THE CHAMP.
- JOE, I KNOW, I KNOW SOMEONE GAVE US WINE GLASSES.
NOW, THEY'VE GOTTA BE HERE SOMEPLACE.
- HEY, WHO GAVE US THE FONDUE SET? - WHO DIDN'T? JOE, I GOTTA TELL YOU, YOU'RE BEING SUCH A GOOD SPORT NOT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY FOLKS COMING OVER TONIGHT.
- OH, IT'S OK.
AFTER ALL, WE'VE BEEN MARRIED A WHOLE DAY.
I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN MISS YOUR MOTHER.
- VERY FUNNY.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- OH, RHODA.
- HI.
- AH, TELL ME, ANY NEWS YET FROM THE STORK? - MA, THERE'S ONLY ONE HEARTBEAT IN HERE, MINE.
- HI, JOE.
I NOTICED WHEN WE CAME IN, YOU JUS HAVE MR.
JOE GERARD ON THE MAILBOX.
YOU'LL HAVE TO GET SOME NEW CARDS THAT ALSO INCLUDE YOUR FRONT DOOR.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
LATER, JOE, SHE'LL CHECK THE NAME TAGS ON YOUR UNDERWEAR.
- WEDDING DRESS.
- AH.
MA, ARE YOU SURE YOU DON' WANT ME TO GET THAT BRONZED? COME ON.
DO YOU? - HEY, YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY-- IT'S GREAT THA YOU'RE BOTH HERE.
- WELL, I'M SURE YOU MEAN THAT, JOE, AND WE'LL GET OUT OF HERE AS SOON AS WE CAN.
- OH, COME ON, PLEASE, SIT DOWN.
CAN I FIX ANYBODY A DRINK? - IDA, WHAT DO YOU THINK? - UH, NO THANKS.
DULLS THE TASTE BUDS.
- AH, MA, WHAT WE'RE HAVING FOR DINNER, YOU DON' WANT TASTE BUDS.
- OH, YEAH, WELL, WHAT SPECIALTY DID YOU MAKE FOR YOUR HUBBY'S FIRST DINNER? - WELL, HUBBY WAS LATE.
I GOT TIED UP.
SO I STOPPED AT CHICKEN DANDY AND GOT A BARREL OF ASSORTED PARTS.
- WHICH PARTS? - I GOT TWO OF EVERYTHING.
- SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
WE'LL GET SOME TOOTHPICKS, BUILD OUR OWN CHICKEN.
- I SUPPOSE YOU TOLD JOE WHY WE'RE HERE.
- YEAH, AND, IDA, IT'S SWEET OF YOU, BUT YOU REALLY DIDN'T HAVE TO GET US A WEDDING GIFT.
- OH, JOE, THIS IS SOMETHING WE'VE BEEN WANTING TO DO FOR A LONG TIME.
- A VERY LONG TIME.
AN INCREDIBLY LONG TIME.
- WELL, RHODA PROBABLY DOESN'T KNOW THIS, BUT WHEN SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, EVER SINCE THEN, WE'VE BEEN PUTTING A LITTLE SOMETHING AWAY EACH MONTH TO BUY HER A WEDDING GIFT.
- YEAH, IF SHE'D GOTTEN MARRIED AT A NORMAL TIME, SHE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN JUS A NICE ORDINARY GIFT, BUT NOW-- - NOW, WAIT, HERE COMES THE MAIN EVENT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
RHODA AND JOE, SOMETHING TO BOTH OF YOU FROM BOTH OF US.
- TADA! - AH, THAT'S SO SWEET, ISN'T IT? - THANK YOU, BOTH, HONESTLY.
- THANK YOU.
- AH, JUST WHAT I WANTED--NOT A FONDUE SET! - COME ON, OPEN IT UP.
THE TOP COMES OFF, HONEY.
- I CAN'T GET IT.
THERE WE GO.
- THAT'S YOUR HONEYMOON.
- HEY, JOE, LOOK, TWO TICKETS FOR A CRUISE.
- 10 DAYS TO THE CARIBBEAN.
- YEAH.
FIVE DAYS EACH WAY.
- YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT WE DID ON OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY.
- TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT IT, HUH? - THE CRUISE, MA? - YEAH.
- I THINK IT'S THE LOVELIEST THOUGHT.
REALLY, WE BOTH APPRECIATE IT, RIGHT, JOE? - OH, YEAH.
BEAUTIFUL.
- WE REALLY DO.
THANK YOU.
BUT I GOTTA BE HONEST, WE WERE PLANNING SORT OF A DIFFEREN KIND A HONEYMOON--ONE WHERE WE COULD JUST BE ALONE.
YOU KNOW, THE TWO OF US.
- WELL, I MEAN, WHAT BETTER PLACE TO BE ALONE, ON AN OCEAN? YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO COME OUT OF YOUR CABIN.
- YEAH, I GUESS, MAYBE.
- YEAH.
NO, IT SOUNDS GREAT, BABE.
- YEAH? - YEAH, MOONLIT NIGHTS AT SEA.
YOU KNOW, FRESH AIR, SUNSHINE.
- OH, LISTEN, RHODA, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS CRUISE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE LOVED IT SO MUCH WE TOOK IT AGAIN LAST YEAR ON OUR 35th ANNIVERSARY.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A BALL.
I MEAN, THE FOOD IS SIMPLY GREAT.
- OH, WONDERFUL.
- OH, THAT'S GOOD.
- AND THE PEOPLE ARE WONDERFUL.
I MEAN, THEY'RE REALLY WONDERFUL PEOPLE.
- WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
- REAL HIP PEOPLE, JUST LIKE US.
[HORN BLOWING.]
- WELL, SO SO THIS IS IT? - WELL, I KIND OF THOUGHT RHODA AND JOE WOULD BE HERE BY NOW.
- NO, IF THEY WERE HERE, WE WOULD SEE THEM.
GEE, I HOPE THE KIDS ARE GONNA LIKE IT, IDA.
- OH, LISTEN, THEY'RE IN LOVE.
THEY'LL LIKE ANYTHING.
- LOOK WHO'S HERE, BRENDA! - HEY.
- WHO ARE YOU? - MA, POP, THIS IS NICK LOBO.
NICK, MY FOLKS.
- HEY.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- THE ACCORDION PLAYER FROM RHODA'S WEDDING HERE.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
- DIDN'T WE PAY YOU? MARTIN, PAY HIM.
- MA, HE'S MY DATE.
- OH, A MUSICIAN.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- AND WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? - WHEN'S RHODA GETTING HERE? - WELL, ANY MINUTE NOW.
YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, HUH? - WHAT DO YOU THINK? DO YOU THINK SHE'LL BE DISAPPOINTED, BRENDA? I MEAN, MAYBE SHE WAS EXPECTING MORE, HUH? - WELL, THERE'S AN EASY WAY TO FIND OUT.
WHENEVER SHE'S TRYING TO HIDE SOMETHING, SHE ALWAYS COVERS HER MOUTH AND TALKS THROUGH HER HAND.
IT'S A NERVOUS THING SHE DOES.
EVERYBODY IN OUR FAMILY HAS A NERVOUS THING THEY DO.
- HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAMA.
SHE'LL LIKE IT.
- MAMA? WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME MAMA? - HEY, ALL MAMAS ARE ALIKE, RIGHT? I MEAN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME CALLING YOU MAMA? - I DIDN'T GIVE BIRTH TO YOU.
- GOOD POINT, MRS.
MORGENSTERN.
- AND DON'T BEND OVER WHEN YOU TALK TO ME.
- GOOD-BYE.
- I'M GLAD YOU TWO HIT IT OFF.
- WELL! - THE NEWLYWEDS! HERE THEY ARE! - WHAT DID I TELL YA? HUH? - HI.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK? - ISN'T THIS SOMETHING? HUH? - SOMETHING WONDERFUL.
- NICE.
NICE.
- YEAH, IT'S ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.
- DID YOU CATCH IT, MA? - OK, OK.
LISTEN.
IT MAY SEEM A LITTLE SMALL NOW, BUT WHEN WE LEAVE, IT GETS LARGER.
- LISTEN, RELAX, DON'T YOU WORRY.
A HONEYMOON DOESN' TAKE UP THAT MUCH ROOM.
- HEY, SON OF A GUN, YOU'RE GOING ON YOUR HONEYMOON, EH? HEY! - WHO ARE YOU? - HEY, JOE, THAT'S NICK.
NICK LOBO FROM THE WEDDING, WAS THE ACCORDION PLAYER, REMEMBER? - OH, YEAH, YEAH.
YEAH, YOU WERE VERY NIMBLE.
- YEAH, YEAH, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN WATCHING MY LEFT HAND, HUH? - I'M WATCHING IT RIGHT NOW.
- HEY.
- HEY.
- WELL, WHERE'S THE PORTHOLE, MA? - THERE'S NO PORTHOLE? - WHO NEEDS A PORTHOLE? - YEAH, ESPECIALLY BELOW THE WATER LINE.
- WHAT, POP? - LISTEN, LET'S OPEN THE CHAMPAGNE, - WHAT DO YOU SAY? - YES, YES.
- YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT? JOE AND I ARE JUST GONNA STEP IN HERE FOR A MINUTE.
THAT WAY THE CORK WILL HAVE ROOM TO COME OUT.
[HORN BLOWING.]
JOE, LISTEN, YOU GOTTA HELP ME.
WE MUST THINK OF A KIND, UNDERSTANDING, SENSITIVE WAY TO TELL MY MOTHER I'M GONNA JUMP SHIP.
- HEY, WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT.
- JOE, IT'S TERRIBLE.
DID YOU SEE THOSE BUNKS? THEY'RE LIKE TWIN TORPEDO TUBES.
EVEN THAT FLOOR ISN'T KING SIZED.
- HEY, ONCE WE'RE OUT AT SEA, IT'S GONNA BE FINE.
I MEAN, HOW MUCH TIME WE GONNA SPEND IN THAT ROOM ANYWAY? - IT'S OUR HONEYMOON.
- OH, YEAH, YEAH.
- CAN YOU IMAGINE 10 DAYS COOPED UP IN THIS PLACE? AH! - JOE? - WHAT? - ARE WE STANDING IN THE SHOWER OR DOES THE CLOSE HAVE A DRAIN? - OH, NO, NO, THIS IS A COMBINATION BATHROOM, CLOSET, AND WET BAR.
- WHERE AM I GONNA DRY MY PANTYHOSE? I'LL HAVE TO RUN THEM UP WITH THE FLAG.
- COME ON, YOU TWO, THE CHAMPAGNE IS GETTING WARM.
- HEY, COME ON, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT TRIP.
- JOE, YOU'RE SO GOOD.
MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER AGAIN AFTER THE HONEYMOON.
- WELL, LET'S GRAB A GLASS AND HAVE A DRINK HERE.
THAT'S IT.
COME ON, EVERYBODY.
ALL RIGHT? HERE'S A TOAST.
HERE'S TO A GREAT CRUISE.
HUH? THERE YOU ARE.
RIGHT.
[INDISTINCT.]
A WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL PARTING.
- RIGHT.
- MAMA.
- JOE, WE'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE ON THE ENTIRE SHIP UNDER 70.
- YEAH, IT'S LIKE SUN CITY WITH LIFE PRESERVERS.
- HEY, JOE, LOOK! - WHAT? - THE OCEAN.
I KNEW IT WAS OU THERE SOMEPLACE.
- HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY, KID, DO YOU WANT TO SHAKE A LEG, HUH? - YEAH, MAYBE IT'LL BRING MY CIRCULATION BACK.
- AH, IT WON'T BE SO BAD IF WE JUS USE THE CABIN TO SLEEP IN.
- YEAH, OK.
TONIGHT'LL BE YOUR TURN.
- IT'S A GREAT WAY TO START A MARRIAGE.
AFTER 10 NIGHTS IN THERE, THERE WON'T BE ANYTHING WE DON' KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER.
- THIS IS TRUE.
- OK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME TO CHANGE PARTNERS! [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
- MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? - OH, YEAH, CERTAINLY.
- I'LL TRY TO BRING HER BACK IN GOOD CONDITION.
- I'D APPRECIATE THAT, I JUST GOT HER.
UMI GUESS IT'S JUS YOU AND ME, PARTNER.
- JOE, YOU BEHAVE YOURSELF, YOU HEAR? - NOW, YOU LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU GET TIRED.
- BY THE WAY, MY NAME IS FOSNER.
- HI, I'M RHODA MORGENSTERN-- UH, RHODA GERARD.
JUST AN OLD REFLEX.
- YOU PLAY SHUFFLEBOARD? - NO, I DON'T.
- OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TEACH YOU, TOMORROW AFTERNOON, RIGHT AFTER YOUR NAP.
- NAP? FINE, I'LL BE SURE TO SET THE ALARM.
[APPLAUSE.]
- OH, DO YOU SUPPOSE MY MOTHER PLANNED THIS SO NOBODY WOULD LOOK BETTER THAN ME ON MY HONEYMOON? - WHAT DO YOU SAY WE SIT THIS ONE OUT, HUH? - YEAH, I WANNA SAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR SHUFFLEBOARD.
- TABLE 14.
- YEAH.
- OH, THERE IT IS, JOE.
- OH.
- GEE, I WONDER IF HE'S HERE WITH SOMEBODY.
- I WONDER IF HE'S HERE.
- ARE WE IN PUERTO RICO YET? - NO, AFRAID NOT.
- OH.
- HI.
- HI.
- BOY, THAT DANCING REALLY KNOCKS IT OUT OF YOU, DOESN'T IT? - I CAN'T KEEP GETTING EXHAUSTED LIKE THIS.
- WHY NOT? IT'S A VACATION.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME FUN.
- THIS ISN'T A VACATION.
THIS IS THE HARDES JOB I'VE EVER HAD.
I'M THE DOCTOR OF THE SHIP.
- HE SEEMS TO BE OK.
- WHEN I SEE SOMEBODY SLEEPING AROUND HERE, I THINK THEY'RE POST.
IT'S OK.
A LITTLE SLOW, BUT HE'S STILL SLEEPING.
- ATTENTION, ATTENTION, DR.
DERWIN, DR.
DERWIN, YOU'RE WANTED ON "D" DECK, CABIN THREE, AND "A" DECK, CABIN SIX, AND COULD YOU PLEASE HURRY? - I OUGHT TO PAINT A RED CROSS ON THE SIDE OF THIS TUB.
- IF WE'RE GONNA GET SICK, WE BETTER DO IT IN A HURRY.
THAT DOCTOR DOESN' LOOK TOO FRISKY.
- WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, MY LITTLE DANCING PARTNER.
- HI, MR.
FOSNER.
HOW NICE, YOU'RE SITTING WITH US.
- MRS.
FOSNER.
- ARE YOU CELEBRATING AN ANNIVERSARY? THEY DO BIG THINGS ABOU ANNIVERSARIES ABOARD SHIP.
- OH, NO, NO.
- DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE ON YOUR HONEYMOON? - YEAH, WE ARE MR.
AND MRS.
FOSNER, BUT WE'D REALLY LIKE TO KEEP IT QUIET.
[DRUM ROLL.]
- HEY, GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GERITOL! HEY! AND WITH THIS GROUP, THERE MUST BE PLENTY OF IT.
ONLY KIDDING, ONLY KIDDING, HEY! HOW YA DOING? NICE TO SEE YOU UP AND AROUND.
I WANNA GIVE A SPECIAL WELCOME TO THE TRI-STATE SENIOR CITIZENS ASSOCIATION WHO ARE WITH US FOR THEIR ANNUAL GET-TOGETHER HERE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THAT'S MARVELOUS.
WITH THIS GROUP, A GET-TOGETHER IS IF THEY CAN WALK TOWARD EACH OTHER.
HEY! HEY! ONLY KIDDING.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH.
A LITTLE DUCK TOLD ME THE SECRET WORD TONIGH IS "HONEYMOON.
" JOE AND RHODA GERARD, WHERE ARE YOU, KIDS? - WHO TOLD HIM? - I THINK THAT LITTLE DUCK WAS MY MOTHER.
- WAIT A MINUTE, I SEE THEM.
I SEE THEM.
SPOTLIGHT ON TABLE 14, PLEASE.
[DRUM ROLL.]
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, JOE AND RHODA GERARD.
SO YOU KIDS ARE ON YOUR HONEYMOON.
ISN'T THAT LOVELY? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? - A WEEK.
- ABOUT A WEEK.
GOOD MEMORY, JOE, HEY! RHODA! - I'VE BEEN MARRIED ABOUT A WEEK ALSO.
- A WEEK--OHH! HEY, BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS, AS IS OUR CUSTOM HERE ABOARD SHIP, JOE AND RHODA ARE GONNA DANCE THEIR VERY FIRS DANCE ALONE.
- NO, THEY'RE NOT.
- NO, THEY'RE NOT.
HEY! LET'S GIVE THEM A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT HERE.
A LITTLE ENCOURAGEMENT.
OH, COME ON, HONEY, YOU GOTTA.
OH, COME ON.
IF YOU WANT ENCOURAGEMENT, I CAN ENCOURAGE YOU ALL NIGHT.
- OK, WE'LL DO IT.
- OK, THEY'RE GONNA DO IT, FOLKS.
THEY'RE GONNA DO IT.
BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
MAESTRO, IF YOU PLEASE.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
- OH, HOW WE DANCED ON THE NIGHT WE WERE WED I NEEDED A WIFE LIKE A HOLE IN MY HEAD - BOY, THIS IS GONNA BE SOME TRIP.
HE TOUCHED ME.
- WHY DON'T YOU JUST WALTZ ME SLOWLY TOWARD THE EXIT? - GOOD IDEA.
- [HUMMING.]
ANY LAST WORDS, KIDS? - I PRAY YOUR CORD DOESN'T REACH TO OUR CABIN.
[HUMMING.]
ONLY KIDDING.
[APPLAUSE AND HUMMING.]
- CAN YOU BELIEVE, THE FIRS STOP ON A CARIBBEAN CRUISE IS BALTIMORE? - I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY TO SEE BALTIMORE IN MY LIFE.
- JOE, DID YOU HAPPEN TO SEE TOMORROW'S SCHEDULE OF ACTIVITIES FOR THE BOAT? - NO.
- OH, IT'S GONNA BE A HEAVY DAY.
THEY'RE HAVING A POLIGRIP SEMINAR.
LATER, AN AMATEUR LIMBO CONTEST.
YEAH.
THAT OUGHTA KEEP THAT DOCTOR BUSY.
[HORN BLOWING.]
- OH, I THINK THEY'RE CALLING US.
- YEAH, I HEARD 'EM.
RIGHT.
- I GUESS WE BETTER BE GETTING BACK ON BOARD.
- I SUPPOSE SO, YOU WOULDN' WANNA MISS THE BOAT.
- NOPE, SURE WOULDN'T.
- NO.
[HORN BLOWING.]
- LET'S HAVE A DRINK FIRST.
- GREAT.
- BARTENDER, CAN WE HAVE, LET'S SEE, TWO SCREWDRIVERS WITH FRESH ORANGE JUICE? - I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT FRESH ORANGES ARE OUT OF SEASON.
- WE'LL WAIT.