Rita Rocks (2008) s01e10 Episode Script

(overlapping chatter) (overlapping chatter continues) Ladies.
(whistling) Ladies.
Hi.
Um (clears throat) wife? Reet, why-why are there a bunch of Stale or not? Mmm.
Expired six months ago.
I can work with that.
Okay, let me-let me guess what group this is.
This is the Neighborhood Watch.
No? No.
Okay.
Library Committee.
No? Okay.
All right.
Oh! I know who they are.
They are the destroyer's of Jay's free time.
No, honey, it's the PTA from Shannon's school.
The Post-it fell off the calendar so I forgot about the meeting until they literally, like, knocked on the door.
Baby gherkins can't go bad, right? (straining): They're already old cucumbers.
Honey, I don't understand why you have to volunteer for this stuff.
Well, it was my turn.
And plus we have to give the illusion that we care about the PTA.
You're serving stale crackers and expired pickles.
Don't you think that ship has sailed? That's where the cheap wine comes in.
All right, have fun with your stale food party.
I'm going to go upstairs and lie down.
Oh, oh, if you are, why don't you to use this bag of tax receipts as a pillow.
Oh, crap! Our taxes.
I thought we filed an extension.
We did, it's up in a week.
That's it.
That's it.
We're moving to Canada.
They have taxes there, too.
I'm going to go grab those ten-for-a-dollar pigs in a blanket and head on in.
Honey, wait a second before you do.
Just promise me that you won't volunteer yourself for anything else for those people.
Okay, I promise.
But those people do a lot of good for our children.
They deserve our gratitude.
So scrape the mold off that cheese so I can serve it to them.
I can't believe you're serving meat.
We're vegetarians.
Since when? Since five minutes ago.
Oh, well, good for you guys.
Nice leather boots, by the way.
How can you eat cows pumped with hormones and led to their slaughter? Usually with mustard.
You would not be eating that if you saw the documentary we saw.
It was all about cruelty to farm animals.
Now we're being humane.
And hungry.
All righty.
(applause) Oh, no, no, no need for applause.
I'm just serving cheese.
Fresh cheese.
No, honey, they're just thrilled that you volunteered for the the Safety Committee.
(laughs) Did I? Yes.
Yes, you did.
And we love you for it.
Isn't that right, guys? (chanting): Jay, Jay, Jay.
Guys, if you want him to do it-- Jay! ALL (chanting): Jay, Jay, Jay.
Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay.
RITA ROCKS PRODUCTIONS, LLC I just, I-I can't believe you volunteered me to put 350 emergency packs together.
And as much as I did like the chanting, trying to make them pick me up was a little uncomfortable.
Jay, all the other husbands are doing it.
I mean, I'd do it myself, except do you really want me in the middle of all those men? I'm I'm quite alluring.
Ah.
Honey, you know, I already coach soccer.
I help with computer lab.
I spawned the little suckers.
And I satisfy my wife.
Isn't that enough? So, now you consider me volunteer work? What is this is this foreplay or? (sighs) Honey, it's-it's just, look.
That-That bag of tax receipts is the only thing that stands between me and an orange jumpsuit.
But you look so cute in orange.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Honey, I'm just, I'm swamped, you know.
I don't feel like I get any downtime.
Well, do you think I get downtime? Jay, on Monday I start jury duty, okay.
Top that.
Jury duty.
It's the closest thing to being locked up without actually being locked up.
When's the first Emergency Safety Committee thing? Monday night.
Oh, great.
It's the first play-off game.
It's just one night.
So is the game! Can someone help me with my potato clock project? Yes, honey, I volunteer your Mommy to do it.
How's it feel? Uh, Safety Committee? Hey, Jay! Owen! I didn't know you'd be here.
Oh, yeah.
Audrey dragged me into this.
She said if I did it, she'd do things to me I'd only dreamed of.
And? Still dreaming.
Come on over, meet the other guys.
This is Bob Wilcox.
David Yardley.
Pete Phillips and Stanley Waza-something-ski.
Hi, guys.
What's up? So, um, where do I start? Oh.
Put two batteries in each kit.
Right.
Two batteries.
One, two So, it kind of stinks we're missing the game, huh? I told you boys, he's one of us! A brewski for our new friend here.
Owen, Owen, Owen, Owen, what-what's going on here? Uh, just a group of guys who needed a little kick back time and found a way to get it.
What? Okay.
How do you, how do you get the emergency kits done? Oh, we knocked those out weeks ago.
Now we just sit around and wait for the next tornado to hit.
To the next tornado.
(cheering) Mmm.
This is awesome! I mean, this is-this is like a like a tree house, but with satellite and alcohol.
And kielbasa.
I'm confused though, 'cause Rita said this was just one night's work.
Oh, we tell all the newbies that.
We don't want to get stuck with some Dudley Do-Right wanting to check if all the fire extinguishers work.
Right, guys? (all laugh) Hey, have a seat.
Relax.
Welcome to Man Camp.
Feel free to unbutton the top of your pants.
Wow, I-I gotta admit, guys.
Man, it does not get any better than this.
Want to bet? Ooh.
Hey.
Hey.
How did jury duty go? I got dismissed.
Oh, good for you.
Yeah, let the people with no lives take care of the justice system.
No.
I actually enjoyed it.
It was quiet.
I read a book.
It was really lovely.
Well, except for the busload of criminals outside the courthouse.
They said I had a "sweet ass.
" Their words, not mine.
Wow, if I had a couple of days to just do nothing but Patty time, you know the first thing I'd do? What's that? Take off this damn bra.
Wonderbra, please.
It's a wonder I haven't burnt it.
Well, honey, as much as I enjoy your bra-less dream, it's too late.
Jury duty's over and so is Rita time.
Hey, is it illegal for you to slip me someone else's jury summons? Yes, it is.
All right.
But I'm not saying I won't do it.
(hammering, mechanical whirring) What is going on in here? I was experimenting and I finally figured out how to make a lentil loaf.
Try it and tell me it doesn't taste exactly like your meatloaf.
Okay, if this is what my meatloaf tastes like, then I apologize.
And what's with the gummy after-bite? It's bean curd and tahini.
I once got spackle in my mouth.
This is worse.
Well, you could wash it down with some delicious carrot juice.
See this? Two hours of my life.
Mom, I need more help with my potato clock project.
Do you put the nail in the potato before or after you connect it to this copper wire? Before.
Or after? I don't know, honey.
Can we look it up on the computer? Or do we have to make one of those out of a beet? (juicer whirring) (metallic clanging) Can you believe this? Why couldn't I be put on like, a nice, quiet murder trial.
There's there's no reason why you still can't.
I mean, you're covered at work, right? Why not play some jury duty hooky? I couldn't do that.
That'd be like you not delivering mail one day because you weren't in the mood.
Yeah, right.
'Cause that would be wrong.
I can't.
Okay, just just start.
You can do this.
(clears throat) (sighs) What did we buy in Wisconsin? I can't do this.
(whistling) Oh.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, beautiful.
Oh, boy, you're in a good mood for having just missed the game.
Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
You know, it just, it feels good knowing you're helping the children.
Okay, well, why don't you then sit down and help our children by not having their parents go to jail.
Oh.
Yeah.
You know what? I'm-I'm beat.
It's very tiring giving of yourself to humanity.
Mmm.
Oh, all right, well, now this safety thing is over and you can, uh, start on these tomorrow night.
I, uh, can't.
Why not? Uh, 'cause I have to I have to go back and volunteer for that volunteer thing you volunteered me for.
Well, that was only supposed to be for one night.
I know, I know, but apparently, they need a few more, so, you know, you better get on this tomorrow.
Well, no, no, I-I can't.
No, I can't, I can't.
Why? Uh, I have jury duty.
Yeah.
They put me on a case.
No-No kidding? What is it? What's what? The case.
Oh, what's the case? Yeah.
Uh Uh, it's murder one.
Yeah, this, uh, corrupt lawyer got caught selling all these corporate secrets to the Russian mafia, but as a sworn servant of the court, I've already said too much, so zip it.
Wow.
That-That sounds major.
Yeah, it's murder.
So, there you go.
Yeah, well, honey, I-I can't.
I can't, 'cause I got to work, and then I got Safety Committee, so Yeah, but I've got jury duty, and then at night, I've got to go grocery shopping, I've got night shifts, and I got to take care of those two little people that have stolen our lives.
Yeah, but, honey, don't forget.
The safety of our children.
The safety of our streets.
Yeah, I know, but a tornado could hit at any second.
Honey, a man's life hangs in the balance.
You think this is going to be a day at the park for me? Good afternoon, sunshine.
Isn't it just the prettiest day ever? Is there vodka in that thing? No, no.
I just came from a really, really tough day at jury duty.
(gasps) You didn't.
I did.
I did, Patty.
Patty, I've been so bad.
Ooh! Yesterday I went to the park and read a book, and today I went to the park and to the movies.
And I didn't even watch it.
I just napped! Ooh, you are so bad, and I love it.
Oh! It's about time the criminal justice system started paying off for the little people.
Hey, guys, I'm home.
Who wants a snack? SHANNON: Mom.
I made it work! I made my potato clock work all by myself! Oh, good for you, honey.
But if your teacher asked, I totally helped you.
Oh, yeah.
Daddy called.
He said he's gonna miss dinner.
He has to make extra emergency kits.
Oh! He worked hard all day, and now he has to miss dinner? I didn't know this volunteer thing would take up so much of his time.
All right, well, I'll be back in five minutes.
Oh, Patty, I feel bad.
Here I am having fun all day while Jay's stuck in that dingy basement, all because of me.
And not to mention, all this tax stuff.
Yup.
I don't know where you got off thinking you could just go on being so damn irresponsible.
Hey.
Hey, Kip.
Whoa, meat.
Yup.
Chock-full of by-products.
Dig in.
I won't tell Hallie.
Oh, I'm gonna scarf this whole thing down.
Scarf what? This.
What are you doing, jerk? You're eating my clock! (overlapping shouting) Oh! (cheering) (laughter) Hold on, guys.
Hold on.
Hold on.
It's from Rita.
"Hope you're not working too hard.
XOXO.
" Oh! Yeah, we're all touched.
Can we get back to the game? Yeah.
Here you go.
We're winning Hey, you guy, you guys, I'm gonna I'm gonna sit this one out.
(sighs) You okay? Uh, yeah.
I'm just thinking about Rita sitting in that jury box, you know, and then having to come home and do all the other stuff she does.
It's just, I feel kind of guilty doing this.
Yeah, we've all felt that way from time to time.
Really? No, I don't really ever.
Don't beat yourself up, Jay.
We work hard, too.
We deserve a break.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Listen, I think I'm gonna cut out of here a little bit early and head home.
You don't mind, do you? Uh, hey, look, hey, you got to do what you got to do.
I totally understand.
Thanks, man.
But if you ruin this for the rest of us, we'll hunt you down like a dirty dog in the street.
I'd expect nothing less.
Hallie? (gasps) Oh, hey, Dad.
What's up? What you doing? I was just eating, my, uh, my tofu drumstick.
Mmm.
A tofu drumstick with a real chicken bone? Hmm.
Oh, Hallie, how could you eat the meat of a poor, helpless farm animal? Because it's moist and tender, and I need it! But please don't tell Kip, okay? Because I made such a big deal about being a better person.
Hmm.
All right.
I won't.
I won't, honey.
Got a little barbecue sauce on your chin.
Hey.
Hey.
Damn! I just deleted April.
Ah, you-you started the taxes? Yeah.
Can you write off shoes? Well, you can when I wear them to work tomorrow.
Done.
Oh, honey, there's a meatball sandwich from Matelli's up on the counter for you.
Meatball sub from Matelli's? Oh.
You-You did the taxes, and you went all the way to Matelli's for me? Yeah, it's your favorite place, and you've been working so hard.
It's the least I could do.
Well, is there is there something I could do? You know, like, vacuum the house or something? You-You don't even know where the vacuum is.
I could do the dishes.
I know where the soap is.
Do the dishes? Honey, what's going on with you? (sighs) All right, look, don't-don't go ballistic, okay.
Um (clears throat) I may not have been making emergency kits every night.
What have you been doing? I may have been, uh, watching a game or three, drinking beer and hanging out with the guys.
Oh.
Okay, you know what, honey? I can't take the silent treatment, okay? So, just-just yell at me.
I know you're furious.
I'm not mad.
You're not? No, no.
I get it.
You just wanted some fun time.
Everyone needs that.
Yeah, they do.
Yup.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, thanks, honey.
Yeah.
That's-That's really sweet.
Mmm.
You got it, babe.
I love you so much.
I love you.
Let me get this straight.
Um a couple of days ago, you gave me a 15-minute lecture on leaving wet towels on the bed, but you're not mad at me for this? Honey, you have got a forgiving wife and a delicious sandwich.
Enjoy life.
Ah.
Okay, you've never told me to enjoy life before.
What are you hiding? What, just 'cause I'm being nice, I'm hiding something? Yes.
Yes, that's exactly what it means.
No.
I know you, and if you're not mad at me for doing something wrong, it's only because you did something wronger.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
You don't know me.
Were you Were you out in the sun today? Your nose is red.
Well, no.
No.
Oh, well, I mean, I got that from jury duty.
We went to the crime scene today.
Oh.
That sounds exciting.
Oh, well, it was great.
Where? Where-Where was this crime scene? Uh, you're If you If you Where? Right.
If you get off the exit Uh-huh.
You were not at trial! All right! All right, fine.
Fine, honey.
I-I was dismissed on the first day, and since then, I've been going to the park and reading books and going to the movies, and once, I went to a street fair.
And it turns out, I love Armenian food.
You lied to me? That why you're doing the taxes.
That's why you got me the meatball sandwich.
All right, leave me alone.
I've got write-offs to exaggerate.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no.
You're not doing the taxes 'cause you feel guilty.
That was my plan.
I'm doing the taxes.
No, no, no.
I will do the taxes.
You're not making yourself feel better, Mister.
No, I'm gonna do them.
I'll do them.
I will do the taxes.
I'll do them.
(laughing) Great.
What are we doing? We are pathetic.
All I wanted was a little time to read a book.
I just wanted to watch a game.
Are we so desperate for free time? We used to have so much of it.
I know.
We used to sit around all day and do nothing, and we were darn good at it.
Yeah, we were the best.
Come here.
What are we doing? We deserve to sit around and do nothing, and that is exactly what we're going to do.
(clears throat) Okay.
(sighs) (sucking in through lips) Hmm.
You know, this is a little boring.
Can we at least watch a little TV or something? Yeah.
Most people sneak around their spouse's backs to have affairs.
We did it to do nothing.
Yeah, Can you just imagine having an affair? Oh.
The planning, the plotting.
Waxing.
I mean I'm exhausted just talking about it.
You know what? If we're going to relax, we should we should get really comfortable.
Hmm? What? Oh.
(sighs) (sighs) Uh-huh.
Captioned by Media