Royalties (2020) s01e10 Episode Script
Perfect Song
1
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Do-do-do-do-do ♪
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Da-do-ba-doobie-do ♪
This is the theme song ♪
This is the theme song, yeah. ♪
["IN THE HALL OF THE
MOUNTAIN KING" PLAYING]
Your freshly shucked oysters, ma'am.
Oh, thanks.
But I'm not really hungry right now.
You can just toss those.
So, Neals, you guys pumped?
- This is your big break.
- Break, ma'am?
Yeah, everyone's gonna hear the song.
Your names are on it.
Your careers are gonna blow up.
No, ma'am, this is your song.
Yours and Mr. Peck's.
We are just a conduit
for your brilliance.
Yeah, but you and the
other Neals did most of it.
[CHUCKLES] No, no, no.
We play but a small role
in all of Mr. Peck's work.
Our names don't go on anything.
Are you saying you
write all of Peck's songs
and he doesn't give you any credit?
No royalties?
So, like, what do you guys get?
Well, Mr. Peck is passing
my screenplay along
to a friend of his at Amblin.
It's a tongue-in-cheek zombie comedy
- called Swipe Left for Brains.
- Wait.
- What?
- Well, it's about
an app that tells you
where zombies are
Neals, Peck is totally fucking you guys.
Sara, this is the way of things.
A Neal is fucked, or
he is not a Neal at all.
Dude, this is total bullshit.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
- [ALARM RINGING]
- PIERCE: Mm-hmm.
All right, Pierce. Your time's up.
Dude, this is bullshit.
That was not 30 minutes.
Hey, tell it to Dawson
at the back of the line.
You're wasting my McKenzie time.
I don't I don't want to
spoon Dawson. He farts.
Dude, I only toot when
your dong pokes my b-hole.
If you ring the doorbell,
I'm gonna answer.
Respect the schedule, Pierce.
Fine! Fine. I don't
want to cuddle anyway.
I'll do some work for two
hours, until my next turn.
Try and get some songwriting done.
Oh, I'd do some writing.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no, no, no. Baby, come back.
All right, guys. I have learned
a lot about songwriting
these past few years,
and you got to pick one thing
you're going for and stick to it.
Even if you don't like it at
first, you just got to commit.
Maybe don't mansplain songwriting to us.
I'm not mansplaining.
This is all stuff I learned from Sara.
She was the one who
mansplained it to me.
Okay, no offense, Pierce,
I don't really want to make
the kind of music you make with Sara.
Why not? Wh-What do you mean by that?
Come on, you have to know this.
I mean, those aren't real songs.
They're real enough to
pay for this nice place
that I'm letting you guys
currently destroy with
your feet on the couch.
Off, please. Thank you, Chloe. Namaste.
So you're saying that because
your music made some money
that it's worth more than our songs?
It's not about that, but yes.
- They are literally worth more.
- Dude.
- Wow.
- Wow.
What the fuck happened to you, man?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.
I'm just trying to help us out here.
A ballad.
Why don't we focus on
trying to write a ballad?
I don't feel like writing a ballad
during my McKenzie time.
Oh. Honey.
And I don't really feel like
writing at all when I'm hungry.
Oh, shit. We never ordered.
Remember we couldn't
decide on what to get?
- Dawson.
- Fuck.
You were supposed
to pick. I always say
All right, all right. All right!
All right, all right! Hey. [LAUGHS]
I got an idea.
How about we get something
everyone will love?
Let's order in from Doggie's.
Pierce
Doggie's sucks.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING, SCREAMING]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Hey. The Neals just told me
that you and I are the only writers
getting credit on
"Hate That I Need You".
And?
So you're telling me the
Neals are getting nothing?
Well, they're Neals. They are nothing.
- Hmm.
- That's not fair.
I'm not comfortable with this.
- Then leave.
- Yeah, leave.
Goodbye, whatever your name is.
I got my single. Now you can go.
Actually, here's the thing.
According to our deal,
if the writers can't agree
on what to do with a
song, nobody gets it.
So sorry, but "Hate That
I Need You" is half mine,
and I'm not giving it to you.
Oh, you wouldn't dare.
You have no idea what I can do to you.
ELIA: Sara, Miriam gets that song.
Do not defy me!
Actually, I will defy you, Peck.
You know why? 'Cause it feels real good
to remind you of the power
that I have over you.
Mm, a palpable hit.
I've taught you well.
And fuck you!
MIRIAM: I swear to God,
I'll destroy your career!
Soon as I can remember
what your name is.
Don't worry. She'll never
remember your name.
What does it matter?
I don't see myself being
productive anytime soon.
- [KNOCKING]
- Ooh, was that the Doggie's?
That was fast.
Yeah, maybe. I'll-I'll go check.
Oh, I'll go with you.
Oh, yeah, don't forget my pic Ooh.
Yo.
Pierce.
What are you doing here?
The band brought bedbugs to my place,
so I had to go somewhere
while it's getting fumigated.
Plus, Theo and Kendra
said you'd be here.
So
This is all my fault.
I'm I'm so sorry.
I've been a bad partner
and a shitty friend.
I was thinking maybe
we could call Miriam Hale
and patch things up and
give her "Perfect Song".
Pierce, I'm so sorry for
being a shitty friend.
You had a good point.
We should give "Perfect
Song" to a smaller artist.
We should give it to McKenzie.
Yeah, about that. That's
a that's a no-go.
I-I played it for her,
and she actually hated it.
She called it, uh,
"commercial bullshit".
So you know what I told them?
I told them to take their free
spirits and their smelly sandals,
and I told them to get
the fuck out of my place!
That's what I told them.
- Good!
- Yeah.
Thought you'd like that.
So who should we give the song to?
I don't know who would take it.
We made an enemy of Miriam Hale.
She's an industry juggernaut
with friends everywhere.
I don't know who would cross her.
- Maybe someone eager to replace her.
- [INHALES SHARPLY]
Now that you two have made up,
can we please get back to work?
Once again, I have found
the seemingly unfindable.
She's a brand-new artist, so
you'd be giving her a leg up.
Yet, at the same time,
partnering with her would be
a very savvy career move.
Cool. Is she talented?
Better.
She has 20 million Instagram followers.
- That'll do.
- That'll do.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome
back to the Music Awards.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
And now, nominated
tonight for Best New Artist,
performing her breakout single,
- please welcome Bailey Rouge.
- [GENTLE POP MUSIC PLAYING]
I've been everywhere ♪
I've heard everything ♪
But still can't figure out ♪
What melody to sing ♪
Why do I waste my time ♪
On trying to find it ♪
Or write something new? ♪
You ♪
You get better every time ♪
Every note and every rhyme ♪
Catchier than anything ♪
That I've been workin' on ♪
Vinyl, tape or on CD ♪
You're too beautiful to stream, baby ♪
[SNORING]
Nothing is as good as you ♪
'Cause you're my perfect song ♪
- No!
- No!
Could you imagine being nominated?
- Ugh. [CHUCKLES] Sellouts.
- Dude.
- Nothing is as good as you ♪
- [GLASS BREAKS, ELIA GRUNTS]
- 'Cause you're my perfect song ♪
- [GRUNTS, GUITAR WARBLES]
Aah! [GROANS]
- Oh, oh ♪
- [GRUNTS]
Oh, oh ♪
Nothing is as good as
you 'cause you're my ♪
Do you think we write
commercial bullshit?
And while I have your attention ♪
I'd like to mention ♪
Oriette is the best ♪
Hashtag blessed ♪
[WHISPERING] Yeah.
But I like it.
It makes people happy.
Yeah.
And that makes me happy.
A track I'd actually buy ♪
I don't even want to write
music unless it's with you.
Right on.
That I've been working on ♪
Vinyl, tape or on CD ♪
Something I would download
but not for free, no, no ♪
Nothing is as good as you ♪
'Cause you're my perfect ♪
Song. ♪
That's the first season, yeah! ♪
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Do-do-do-do-do ♪
Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪
Da-do-ba-doobie-do ♪
This is the theme song ♪
This is the theme song, yeah. ♪
["IN THE HALL OF THE
MOUNTAIN KING" PLAYING]
Your freshly shucked oysters, ma'am.
Oh, thanks.
But I'm not really hungry right now.
You can just toss those.
So, Neals, you guys pumped?
- This is your big break.
- Break, ma'am?
Yeah, everyone's gonna hear the song.
Your names are on it.
Your careers are gonna blow up.
No, ma'am, this is your song.
Yours and Mr. Peck's.
We are just a conduit
for your brilliance.
Yeah, but you and the
other Neals did most of it.
[CHUCKLES] No, no, no.
We play but a small role
in all of Mr. Peck's work.
Our names don't go on anything.
Are you saying you
write all of Peck's songs
and he doesn't give you any credit?
No royalties?
So, like, what do you guys get?
Well, Mr. Peck is passing
my screenplay along
to a friend of his at Amblin.
It's a tongue-in-cheek zombie comedy
- called Swipe Left for Brains.
- Wait.
- What?
- Well, it's about
an app that tells you
where zombies are
Neals, Peck is totally fucking you guys.
Sara, this is the way of things.
A Neal is fucked, or
he is not a Neal at all.
Dude, this is total bullshit.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
- [ALARM RINGING]
- PIERCE: Mm-hmm.
All right, Pierce. Your time's up.
Dude, this is bullshit.
That was not 30 minutes.
Hey, tell it to Dawson
at the back of the line.
You're wasting my McKenzie time.
I don't I don't want to
spoon Dawson. He farts.
Dude, I only toot when
your dong pokes my b-hole.
If you ring the doorbell,
I'm gonna answer.
Respect the schedule, Pierce.
Fine! Fine. I don't
want to cuddle anyway.
I'll do some work for two
hours, until my next turn.
Try and get some songwriting done.
Oh, I'd do some writing.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no, no, no. Baby, come back.
All right, guys. I have learned
a lot about songwriting
these past few years,
and you got to pick one thing
you're going for and stick to it.
Even if you don't like it at
first, you just got to commit.
Maybe don't mansplain songwriting to us.
I'm not mansplaining.
This is all stuff I learned from Sara.
She was the one who
mansplained it to me.
Okay, no offense, Pierce,
I don't really want to make
the kind of music you make with Sara.
Why not? Wh-What do you mean by that?
Come on, you have to know this.
I mean, those aren't real songs.
They're real enough to
pay for this nice place
that I'm letting you guys
currently destroy with
your feet on the couch.
Off, please. Thank you, Chloe. Namaste.
So you're saying that because
your music made some money
that it's worth more than our songs?
It's not about that, but yes.
- They are literally worth more.
- Dude.
- Wow.
- Wow.
What the fuck happened to you, man?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.
I'm just trying to help us out here.
A ballad.
Why don't we focus on
trying to write a ballad?
I don't feel like writing a ballad
during my McKenzie time.
Oh. Honey.
And I don't really feel like
writing at all when I'm hungry.
Oh, shit. We never ordered.
Remember we couldn't
decide on what to get?
- Dawson.
- Fuck.
You were supposed
to pick. I always say
All right, all right. All right!
All right, all right! Hey. [LAUGHS]
I got an idea.
How about we get something
everyone will love?
Let's order in from Doggie's.
Pierce
Doggie's sucks.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING, SCREAMING]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Hey. The Neals just told me
that you and I are the only writers
getting credit on
"Hate That I Need You".
And?
So you're telling me the
Neals are getting nothing?
Well, they're Neals. They are nothing.
- Hmm.
- That's not fair.
I'm not comfortable with this.
- Then leave.
- Yeah, leave.
Goodbye, whatever your name is.
I got my single. Now you can go.
Actually, here's the thing.
According to our deal,
if the writers can't agree
on what to do with a
song, nobody gets it.
So sorry, but "Hate That
I Need You" is half mine,
and I'm not giving it to you.
Oh, you wouldn't dare.
You have no idea what I can do to you.
ELIA: Sara, Miriam gets that song.
Do not defy me!
Actually, I will defy you, Peck.
You know why? 'Cause it feels real good
to remind you of the power
that I have over you.
Mm, a palpable hit.
I've taught you well.
And fuck you!
MIRIAM: I swear to God,
I'll destroy your career!
Soon as I can remember
what your name is.
Don't worry. She'll never
remember your name.
What does it matter?
I don't see myself being
productive anytime soon.
- [KNOCKING]
- Ooh, was that the Doggie's?
That was fast.
Yeah, maybe. I'll-I'll go check.
Oh, I'll go with you.
Oh, yeah, don't forget my pic Ooh.
Yo.
Pierce.
What are you doing here?
The band brought bedbugs to my place,
so I had to go somewhere
while it's getting fumigated.
Plus, Theo and Kendra
said you'd be here.
So
This is all my fault.
I'm I'm so sorry.
I've been a bad partner
and a shitty friend.
I was thinking maybe
we could call Miriam Hale
and patch things up and
give her "Perfect Song".
Pierce, I'm so sorry for
being a shitty friend.
You had a good point.
We should give "Perfect
Song" to a smaller artist.
We should give it to McKenzie.
Yeah, about that. That's
a that's a no-go.
I-I played it for her,
and she actually hated it.
She called it, uh,
"commercial bullshit".
So you know what I told them?
I told them to take their free
spirits and their smelly sandals,
and I told them to get
the fuck out of my place!
That's what I told them.
- Good!
- Yeah.
Thought you'd like that.
So who should we give the song to?
I don't know who would take it.
We made an enemy of Miriam Hale.
She's an industry juggernaut
with friends everywhere.
I don't know who would cross her.
- Maybe someone eager to replace her.
- [INHALES SHARPLY]
Now that you two have made up,
can we please get back to work?
Once again, I have found
the seemingly unfindable.
She's a brand-new artist, so
you'd be giving her a leg up.
Yet, at the same time,
partnering with her would be
a very savvy career move.
Cool. Is she talented?
Better.
She has 20 million Instagram followers.
- That'll do.
- That'll do.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome
back to the Music Awards.
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]
And now, nominated
tonight for Best New Artist,
performing her breakout single,
- please welcome Bailey Rouge.
- [GENTLE POP MUSIC PLAYING]
I've been everywhere ♪
I've heard everything ♪
But still can't figure out ♪
What melody to sing ♪
Why do I waste my time ♪
On trying to find it ♪
Or write something new? ♪
You ♪
You get better every time ♪
Every note and every rhyme ♪
Catchier than anything ♪
That I've been workin' on ♪
Vinyl, tape or on CD ♪
You're too beautiful to stream, baby ♪
[SNORING]
Nothing is as good as you ♪
'Cause you're my perfect song ♪
- No!
- No!
Could you imagine being nominated?
- Ugh. [CHUCKLES] Sellouts.
- Dude.
- Nothing is as good as you ♪
- [GLASS BREAKS, ELIA GRUNTS]
- 'Cause you're my perfect song ♪
- [GRUNTS, GUITAR WARBLES]
Aah! [GROANS]
- Oh, oh ♪
- [GRUNTS]
Oh, oh ♪
Nothing is as good as
you 'cause you're my ♪
Do you think we write
commercial bullshit?
And while I have your attention ♪
I'd like to mention ♪
Oriette is the best ♪
Hashtag blessed ♪
[WHISPERING] Yeah.
But I like it.
It makes people happy.
Yeah.
And that makes me happy.
A track I'd actually buy ♪
I don't even want to write
music unless it's with you.
Right on.
That I've been working on ♪
Vinyl, tape or on CD ♪
Something I would download
but not for free, no, no ♪
Nothing is as good as you ♪
'Cause you're my perfect ♪
Song. ♪
That's the first season, yeah! ♪