Sanford and Son (1972) s01e10 Episode Script

Hello.
Melvin? Listen.
This is Lamont.
Is my father over at your place? I don't understand it.
He's always got my supper ready for me at 6:00 and here it is after 8:00, and I don't know where he is.
No, he didn't tell me where he was going.
No, thanks, Melvin.
It's all right.
No Melvin, I don't like pigs' feet.
Okay, good-bye.
Thanks for a very nice evening, Mr.
Sanford.
And you're welcome, Mrs.
Harris.
Thanks for picking me up and dropping me off.
My pleasure, Mr.
Sanford.
I'm sorry I don't have a car.
All I got is this old truck, and the springs are gone so it wouldn't be too good for your back.
And I don't have no seat belt so it wouldn't be too good for your front either.
Don't worry about it, Mr.
Sanford.
- Mrs.
Harris.
- Yes, Mr.
Sanford? Isn't it about time that we start calling each other by our first name? All right, Mr.
Sanford.
- I did it again.
- Yeah.
- What did you say your first name was? - Donna.
That's pretty.
Mine's Fred.
Wait a minute.
Sir Walter Raleigh.
Thank you.
"Donna" means "lady," you know.
And "Fred" means "man.
" So, that's gonna work out just right, ain't it? Yes, it is.
Hey, you know, actually, I knew your name was Donna but I just didn't wanna start calling you that, in case you didn't like it.
- You know what I mean? - Yes, Fred.
Did you speak to your son yet? Did you tell him about us? - No, not yet.
- But don't you think you should? What if he objects to our getting married? Oh, he won't object.
It's a nice thing, you and I getting married.
It's like "September Song.
" Oh, it's a long, long while from May to Septem- Decem I done forget.
But anyway, you May and I'm September.
- Yes.
- And if I wait any longer I'll be December.
- Be ready for the deep freeze.
- Don't say that, Fred.
You know what they say You're as young as you feel.
Yeah, well, I'm 65 and people say I look 55.
And I feel 45.
I'd settle for 35.
But you make me feel 25.
You're doing all right.
You're what we ladies call an eligible bachelor.
Yeah.
I got most of my teeth and some of my hair and I got all of my social security.
Well, I better be going.
Thanks again for the movie.
I really enjoyed it.
You didn't mind sitting up in the front row? Didn't hurt your eyes, did it? No, it was fine.
See, in this day of the natural hairdo see, you can't see sittin' behind some people.
That's true.
Oh, Donna, here's a half a box of thoseJujyfruits.
- You take 'em with you.
- You keep them.
Too many calories.
I have to watch my figure, you know.
Yeah, you do that.
Ain't no need of both of us watching it.
You say the funniest things.
You really do.
Yeah, I get off a goody every now and then.
- Well - Well, good night.
- Don't forget to speak to your son.
- I won't.
- And you drive carefully.
- I will.
Drive carefully.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Hello, son.
- Where have you been? - I was out.
- No fooling.
I thought you were sitting on that sofa all this time.
What are you all dressed up for anyway? I was out.
You had to put on them clothes to go out? You gonna go out, you supposed to put on some clothes.
You want me to get arrested or something? All I know is that there was no supper.
I left you something in there on the stove.
All you had to do was heat it up.
I fixed you some meat loaf and okra.
Okra? You hate okra.
I hate it, but I didn't know you did.
- Yes, it's slimy, ain't it? - Right.
I ain't gonna fix that no more.
Pop, I work hard all day and when I come home, I expect to have a hot meal waiting for me.
Now, I came home tonight and there was none.
Now, what do we learn from this little lesson? We learn from this little lesson that both of us hate okra.
Well, I expect to have a hot meal waiting for me.
- And you always have one.
- There was none tonight.
Well, here.
Try someJujyfruits.
I don't want noJujyfruits.
I want something that's gonna stick to my ribs.
Well, they don't stick to your ribs, but they sure stick to your teeth.
May I ask where you've been? - I went to the movies.
- The movies, huh? Down at the Paradise.
Two features.
Forty-nine cents.
Two westerns.
It was a Clint Eastwood festival.
Both pictures was good too.
"Fistful of Rain" and "Hat Full of Dollars.
" Are you kidding me? How long do you think I'm gonna put up with this? You at the movies with Jujyfruits and me at home with okra.
What are you talking about? I don't do it that often.
Supper's been late ten times this month.
Where else do you go during the day, to a topless bar? You shut your mouth.
You know good and well I'm a avid Baptist.
One of these days you're gonna wake up and find that your only means of support has flown the coop.
You not only working for me.
You working for yourself.
Yeah, but I could do a lot better if I was on my own.
- You really think so? - I know so.
Well, son, maybe I have been holding you back.
Maybe you should go on out and do what you have to do 'cause I don't wanna hold you back, honest.
I know that, Pop.
Listen.
I got teed off'cause there was no supper, so let's forget it.
No, we can't forget it.
See, tonight Well, I mean to say when I went to the movies, I didn't go alone.
- I went with a lady.
- That's great.
Who goes to the movies alone during the day? Guys that are out of work and winos.
- But you not listening.
- I am listening to you.
You went to the movies with a woman.
You saw a double feature.
You bought someJujyfruits and you forgot about my supper.
I blew up.
I'm sorry.
It's all over now.
Let's forget it.
No, wait a minute.
Let's don't forget it.
What I'm trying to say is this lady that went to the movies with me Yeah? Well I'm getting married again.
- You kidding me.
- See they took intermission and everybody went outside and got some refreshments.
And I had just enough time to buy these Jujyfruits and ask her to marry me.
I don't believe that.
Well, I've known her a long time.
She's a widow and she's nice and, well, she wanna get married too.
- She does, huh? - See, we're compatible, her and I.
We're really compatible.
See, I'm a Sagittarian, and she's a Leo.
See, Sagittarian is the hunter, and Leo is the lion.
So I got me a lion.
It sounds more like she's Pisces the fish and you got yourself a barracuda.
Listen.
I thought you'd be happy with the news.
I'm not.
It's ridiculous.
You too old to get married.
You 65.
So what? Cary Grant got married again when he was in his sixties.
Yeah, but you're not Cary Grant.
I'm not General Grant either.
I'm up here with Cary, not down there with Ulysses.
Well, how old is this person anyway? - She's around 40.
- Yeah.
Way round.
Not that far.
She got her own money.
And she got her own car.
She's a practical nurse.
- She is, huh? - You know what she did in the movies? She massaged my neck so good, I heard it crack.
My neck cracked, and it never felt this good before in my life.
Look.
I can do this now.
That's terrific.
Now you can watch the Ping-Pong matches.
It ain't bad being married to a woman who can crack your neck every morning.
You've got it made now.
And she also does toes.
Yeah, see, I took my shoe off and she cracked my big toe.
With all that cracking going on, I'm surprised they didn't throw you two out of the theater.
You couldn't hear the cracking because of too much shooting on the screen.
Clint Eastwood pulled out his pistol and shot 11 bad guys and a water buffalo.
Didn't even reload.
He must've had a 12-shooter.
When are you two lovebirds gonna stagger down the aisle together? If you mean when are we gonna get married, in a couple of weeks.
- You didn't waste any time, did you? - I don't have time to waste no time.
Wonder who that is.
Maybe your bride-to-be can't wait and wants to elope.
- Hi, Melvin.
- Hello, Lamont.
Fred, you're home.
Hello, Melvin.
Have some sit-down.
- Oh, yeah.
- What's the matter? I was worried about you.
Lamont called and said you weren't home and I thought maybe you had an accident.
- Not yet, Melvin.
In a few weeks.
- What? Tell your friend who's not married and doesn't even think about it what you're about to do.
I'd like to hear what he's got to say.
- Say about what? - My father's getting married again.
Congratulations.
I think that's great.
Stay out of this, Melvin.
- Are you really gonna do it? - Yeah.
- Who's the lucky lady? - Her name is Donna.
Donna Harris.
She's a practical nurse.
They nice.
Yeah, they wear those soft white shoes and have cool hands.
And if I need anything from the surgical supply store she can get it for me at a discount.
How romantic.
I can see the two of y'all shopping for your honeymoon buying rubber stockings and orthopedic shoes.
Hey, but that's great, Fred.
When the time comes and you need a truss she can get you a nice leather one instead of the old elastic kind they give you down at the clinic.
And if you need something, let me know.
You need anything, Melvin? I don't know.
I'll feel around and see.
Hey, Fred, are you gonna live here? I think I'm gonna move and sell the place.
But not right away.
I wanna give Lamont enough time to find somewhere to live.
So now I'm getting kicked out, huh? After I've worked for you all these years, I'm getting thrown out the door.
That ain't right.
Lamont's been a good boy and now you're throwing him out.
Keep out of this, Melvin.
Listen, son.
You wanna live here with us? With us? You're bringing that woman in the same house my mother lived in? Sleep in the same bedroom my mother slept in? I think that's disgusting.
- That's disgusting, Fred.
- Stay out of this, Melvin.
Son, you know your mama's been dead for over 20 years.
Yeah.
Your mother's been dead for over 20 years.
Stay out of this, Melvin.
All I know is that you forgot about her.
Well, I didn't.
And I'm not gonna let you smear her memory.
Smear her memory? I never did nothing to smear your mother's memory.
- I been faithful to her.
- All I know is you forgot about her.
- Yeah, you forgot about her, Fred.
- Please stay out of this, Melvin.
And that's another thing.
You got a plot right next to Mom's.
Now you getting married again, how's that gonna work out for later? I can get a plot for my new wife and then when I go, you can just drop me between 'em.
I think that's disgusting.
I think the whole idea is disgusting.
Yeah, it's disgusting, Fred.
I know.
Stay out of it, Melvin.
I'm going down to the diner, but I want you to know right now that I think the idea of you getting married at your age is ridiculous.
Shut up, Melvin.
Pop, you home? You better be home.
Hello, son.
I thought I heard you.
- What are you all dressed up for? - I'm not dressed up.
- Those are your good pants.
- Yeah, but I'm not dressed up.
I was watching the Galloping Gourmet and he said that dinner was the one meal where you should be festive.
So I put on my new pants here so I can be festive.
Come on over and sit down and I'll bring your dinner to you.
And have some See, another thing is wine.
That's another thing makes it festive.
Good French wine.
Hey, Pop, this is Mogen David.
I couldn't get French, so I gotJewish.
Have a taste of wine.
I'll get your dinner.
And it's gonna be festive.
Here you are.
Pork chops and fried apple rings.
- That's your favorite, ain't it? - It sure is.
Have some more of this good wine here.
I don't even know if you're supposed to haveJewish wine with pork.
You cooked this? I didn't know you could cook like this.
Me and the Galloping Gourmet.
This is great.
Talk about making up for yesterday.
- Where's yours? Aren't you gonna eat? - I'll get mine in a minute.
- How was your day? - It was pretty good.
- You know what I picked up? - What? - A brass cuspidor.
- No kidding.
We can shine it up and sell it as an antique.
Yeah.
You know, in the old days every saloon had a cuspidor.
You know what I mean? Nothing but a bar and a cuspidor.
Nowadays you go in a place, they got seats, stools, booths.
Lots of places to sit and nowhere to spit.
Good evening.
Donna, this is my son Lamont.
Lamont, Donna Harris.
Please sit down and finish your meal.
Your father has told me so much about you.
You look like your father.
Really? Everybody says I look like my mother.
That's true.
Without that mustache, he would look like his mother.
Even though she did have some fuzz on her top lip.
- You remember that, don't you, son? - Aren't you going to finish eating? - I'm not hungry.
- I made it especially for you.
- Your father said it was your favorite.
- It was when my mother used to make it.
- How did your mother used to make it? - Used to burn it.
That's a lie and you know it.
She was a terrific cook.
Burned everything.
She burned the bread, the meat, the salad.
House was always full of smoke.
All my friends thought I was getting my clothes from a fire sale.
How dare you talk like that about my mother in front of this woman.
- I was only tellin' the truth.
- You don't talk about my mother Please! Now, Lamont I take it you don't approve of your father and I getting married.
- Do you mind telling me why? - 'Cause it's ridiculous, that's why.
He's too old, and you're gonna be miserable.
What kind of life is it, being the wife of an old man? What kind of life you think it is being the father of a young dummy? And don't try to tell me nothing about my mother.
Please! Please, stop it! Lamont, I think you owe your father an apology.
And I owe him one across his lip.
After all, he is your father, and you ought to show some respect.
- Tell that dummy.
- And, Fred, you be quiet.
- What? - You only make things worse.
Your son has a right to his opinion, and he has a right to defend his mother.
- So be quiet.
- Don't tell me how to talk to my son.
And don't you raise your voice at me.
- I'll raise my voice when I get ready.
- Not to me you won't.
You and anybody else.
You don't tell me when to raise my voice.
I ain't take no stuff off my first wife and I ain't gonna take none off you.
I'm beginning to understand why she died so young.
Well, your old man Your husband didn't live too long either, did he? I'm glad I found out about your bad temper.
And I'm glad I found out about your big mouth.
If you will excuse me, I'll just get my coat.
- Wait a minute.
Where you going? - I'm leaving.
I don't see any reason to stay on.
Do you? Listen.
I didn't mean to upset you.
You gonna let a little argument ruin all our plans? You said some very nasty things to me, Fred.
Very nasty.
But we're supposed to be compatible.
It would be different if you was Taurus the bull.
But you not a bull.
You Leo the lion.
- Well, that's true.
- Well, will you stay? - If you're really and truly sorry.
- I really am truly sorry.
- Honestly? - Honestly.
- All right.
I'll stay.
- Great.
Come on back over here and sit down.
Hey, son, I took back all the things I said about Donna.
Now everything's all right again.
Oh, really? Even the part about how she's over the hill? Who said that? He did.
Last night, when he was talking about you.
What you wanna bring that up for? As long as you taking stuff back, you might as well take it all back.
There's no need to starting off your marriage with secrets between you.
Did you say that about me? I don't remember.
If I said it, I didn't mean it the way it sounded.
Just how did you mean it? Well I might have said for somebody that was over the hill, you wasn't bad.
And if you put on some dark glasses people wouldn't be able to see them bags under your eyes.
Well, I think that just about does it.
- Well, what's the matter? - You are very much out of line Mr.
Sanford.
If you think you're gonna shut me up when I get ready to say something then you can forget about the whole thing - Mrs.
Harris.
- That's fine with me.
- I'm leaving.
- Bye.
I should have realized you have the manners of a common junkman.
And I should've realized that you aren't over the hill.
You down in the valley.
You not Leo the lion! You Donna the barracuda! I should've known she was gonna turn out like that.
It's a good thing you found out in time.
Yeah.
I ain't gonna let no woman walk over me.
- You really stood up to her.
- You have to.
I was proud of you.
You got to get things straightened out right in the beginning.
- Right.
- Right.
You know, son I don't remember saying she was over the hill.
- You don't, huh? - No.
- I was sure you did.
- Hey, Pop.
Did what's-her-name make any dessert? She made some hot sweet potato pie like your mama used to make.
I hope it's better than Mama used to make.
I'll get it.
Hey, son.
I really don't remember saying she was over the hill.
- Yeah, well - But you know what? - What? - She is.
I'll bet she's older than I am.
I'll bet that's her coming to apologize.
Tell her it's too late, Pop.
I'll tell her.
I don't accept no apologies.
I'll tell her.
You don't need to apologize Hello, Fred.
I got a gift for you.
Congratulations, man.
I wish you a lot of luck and everything.
I know.
Stay out of it, Melvin.
- But I got to run.
Many happy returns.
- But wait a minute.
- What is it, Pop? - Melvin just gave me a wedding present.
- Let's see what it is.
- I didn't even have a chance to tell him it was all over.
- Read the card there.
- What is it? It's a popcorn popper.
It says: "To the Sanfords, to the happy couple may you have a long life popping along together.
- That's sweet of him.
- Your friend Melvin.
" We're gonna have to give it back to him.
Why? Give me the card again.
It says: "To the Sanfords.
" - We the Sanfords, ain't we? - Right.
"To the happy couple.
" We happy, ain't we? - Right.
- And a long life together.
- We deserve that.
- Right.
- Well? - Let's pop some popcorn, Pop.
Let's get to poppin'.
Say, Pop, I'm home.
Pop.
Hello, son.
I thought I heard you come in.
- Don't tell me you're gonna do it again.
- What? When the table is set up and there's a good smell and noise from the kitchen then that means there's a woman here.
- What are you talking about? - Okay, lady, you can come on out now! - Hello, Lamont.
- It's only Melvin.
- He brought us some pig feet.
- I'm sorry, Pop.
You should be sorry 'cause I ain't gonna never get married again.
I learned my lesson.
I ain't marrying nobody.
I don't care who it is.
- You don't care who it is, huh? - That's right.
I'll bet you if you had the chance to, you'd marry Lena Horne.
I wouldn't even marry Lena Horne.
Say, Melvin, if you had the chance, wouldn't you marry Lena Horne? You just stay out of this, Fred.
I'll marry Lena Horne.
Sanford and Son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.