Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s01e10 Episode Script

1 Sometimes the world casts aside the one person who can save it.
She began life as a mere baby, but by the third grade that would all change.
With an IQ of 172, but a cold and distant father who may or may not have looked like this man, young Dr.
Wolf would soon be sent to a special school for geniuses.
You know, we did our own research on Dr.
Wolf, so this was really unnecessarily fun and great.
Bravo.
I got a little excited when I heard she was coming.
Had a couple of Mountain Dews, found this stock footage website, don't have a lot of friends, and here we are, so Earning a PhD at 17, Dr.
Wolf went to work for the Centers for Disease Control, perhaps placing things in very cold vats.
And then one day, something happened in a West Virginia cabin that would forever change her life.
Two hikers were discovered dead and partially eaten.
After speeding to the scene, Dr.
Wolf discovered something even more horrible: the suspect had murdered and eaten his entire family.
What kind of monster could do this? After running a series of tests, she reached a startling conclusion: the madman harbored an unknown virus that re-animates the dead.
Tragically, she was ridiculed and fired.
Dr.
Wolf went on to start her own biotech company, where she worked with teams of equally attractive people to become enormously successful.
Yet convinced the virus is real, Dr.
Wolf has continued to search for a cure so that the horror she witnessed in that West Virginia cabin will never happen again.
Oh, my God.
The end played a little darker than I expected.
But Kanye says never to apologize for your creative choices.
Although I really wish I'd gone another way.
I made you a smoothie from the last of that Porsche guy.
- I thought I finished him.
- Nope.
I found a bag of his face behind the ice cream.
- I am not gonna miss this.
- Thanks.
Honey, if Dr.
Wolf can't cure me and I lose my mind like that man in West Virginia, we might have to make some tough decisions.
- She's gonna help you.
- Right.
But if she can't, we need a plan.
The plan is, after you're better we fly to Maui to celebrate.
Or I keep getting worse, and before I do something horrible I need you to kill me.
I like my plan better.
Uses up our credit card miles before they expire.
Look, I know these are tough things to discuss, but we have to talk about them, okay? It doesn't have to be heavy.
We can make a game out of it, like "Fuck, Marry, Kill.
" Which is something we stopped playing 20 years ago, when you chose not to kill or marry my brother.
Yeah, well, I wasn't gonna fuck the Charmin guy or the Unabomber.
So, babe how would you do it? - I don't know.
- No, come on.
Tell me.
- I I don't know.
- It's fine.
Just tell me how.
Fine.
I'd bash your brains in with a baseball bat.
Oh, my God, are you serious? You'd kill me with a bat? I didn't want to play! And bash my brains in, that is so angry.
Where is that coming from? I don't know.
That's how they kill the undead in movies.
- Yeah, but I'm your wife.
You love me.
- Okay, what's the right answer? You kiss me on the lips, and then place a silk pillow over my face and shoot me through the temple with a pearl-handled revolver.
You still end up in the same place.
Yeah, but my way is romantic.
Your way is how a gangster kills a stool pigeon.
That's Dr.
Wolf.
Did you put out the fancy soaps? Oh, if I didn't, are you gonna bash my brains in? Oh, good, that's not gonna be a thing.
This is it.
Are you ready? I am.
Dr.
Wolf, I'm Joel Hammond.
And this is my wife Sheila.
I'm so glad to finally meet you.
Me too.
I'm sorry.
I haven't hugged anyone in a while.
Am I doing it correctly? Does this feel more natural? This is too high, obviously.
- Well, I think your first try felt best.
- Hmm.
Enough of this emotional nonsense.
- Who's this? - I'm Joel.
You can call him "Slugger.
" Jesus Christ.
Blood pressure is zero over zero.
Perfect.
You could not be more dead.
Do you have any idea how I got this way? Well, I've only seen one other case but it might be anything.
The resurgence of an ancient plague, a mutation of the rabies virus.
I could speculate further, but it would be as pointless as trying to observe cold fusion from the electrolysis of heavy water on a palladium electrode.
Can you imagine? She's really funny.
I'm a big fan of your inhalers.
Your use of nanoparticles to produce lower oropharyngeal deposition is divine.
Oh, that's very sweet.
Dr.
Wolf, it's an honor to have you stay with us.
If you feel at all self-conscious about kicking me out of my room, it would be an equal honor to let you sleep on the fold-out couch in the garage.
You're trying to trick me.
I hate that.
It's why I will not go to magic shows.
- Does that hurt? - No.
Oh, God! Warn people.
How about now? A little tickle, like I have a frog in my throat.
I don't believe it.
I'm finally holding the ancient Serbian Fuck, how is that helping? I could ask the same thing about your girlish hysteria.
I was checking her brain stem to see if her autonomic nervous system was still functioning.
Have you shown any signs of unprovoked aggression? Unprovoked? No.
Everyone I killed had it coming.
Good.
Then it's not too late.
Now why don't you put down the only known copy of that priceless book, ideally away from the chips and Safeway brand guacamole.
This is amazing.
Something written 500 years ago is going to help me.
And here is the remedy.
It's taken me years to find the modern-day equivalent of these medieval Serbian ingredients.
You can't just run down to the store and get myrrh.
But I've tested the formula and it works.
Thank God it works.
It's all here.
This is gonna change our lives.
Look at it.
It's so beautiful.
Oops.
I'm beginning to think I'll never unfreeze my eggs.
I'll stay here in your brown tract home for a few days while I adapt the solution I've used on rats into a human-grade injection.
So, how soon after the injection will I be cured? - Never.
- But you said it works.
Always.
You're mad about the guacamole.
Yes.
But my point is, it's not a cure.
You're dead and you're gonna stay that way.
All we can do is halt your deterioration so you'll remain as you are now.
So she'll never be like the way she was before, ever? I'm afraid not.
Well, that's a shame.
I know it's not exactly what you wanted to hear, but it's mostly good news.
I'm not getting better but I'm not gonna get worse.
It's definitely a glass-half-full situation.
We're still gonna have to kill people, but I'm not gonna have to find a lovely way to kill you, which was causing tension in the relationship.
It was.
I left open that box of crackers you love so much just so they'd get stale.
I feel like being undead has made you more vindictive.
It's made me more everything.
That's what I like about it.
It's made me more confident, fearless.
Last week I told Susan, "Stop being such a little bitch.
If you want that townhouse, then just make an offer.
" I'd have never been able to talk to a city councilwoman like that before.
And I enjoy sex more, and don't care as much about foreplay.
That's certainly a good thing.
Mmm.
Ow, ow.
My lip.
Ah.
- Sorry.
You just make me so fucking hot.
- Mmm.
Ooh.
Ow, ow, ow! Ow! Oh.
Ow! Hey.
Uh-oh.
Did you break the skin? - No.
- Good.
Has she ever hurt you before in the act of passion? No.
We're not into that.
We're licensed real estate brokers.
It definitely sounds like unprovoked aggression.
You may be entering a new, more feral stage.
How long before I completely lose control? I'm not sure.
All I know is it'll be a progression, starting with "That was a little rude" - and ending with "Run!" - Okay.
We need to move up the timeline.
When can you be ready? Oh, damn it.
I can have everything here in two days, except for the bile.
The bile? The book calls for the bile of a native-born pure Serbian.
Really? Does it also call for the whisker of an Irishman? It's effective because medieval Serbians developed intestinal flora that resisted the virus.
Unfortunately, my bile guy, Vladé, is on vacation.
Couldn't you just tell Vladé it's an emergency? Ah, he won't care.
He's more reliable than my last bile guy, but the digestive fluid business attracts more hobbyists than professionals.
- The baka.
- The baka? The baka! The grandmother of Abby's school principal.
She told me both her parents are Serbian and exactly how they died.
And then she made me touch locks of their hair.
Long afternoon.
Great.
Tomorrow I'll prep the formula while you two collect her bile.
Hopefully this will work.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You said it always works.
On rats.
I've only ever done it on rats.
And even then, it's only effective if it's administered before they've gone completely feral.
So there's not a cure, and the partial cure might not even work because we're too late, and Sheila's not a rat.
But the good news is I get to make an elderly woman throw up in a bucket, which might be a turn-on for some people, but it's not my thing.
Yet! Who knows? The night is young! - He seems angry.
- I know, right? His plan B is to bash my brains in with a baseball bat.
I wouldn't even do that to the rats.
If I have to put them down, I dim the lights, play Mozart, get them high on nitrous oxide, and then drive a tiny, mint-flavored toothpick into their brains.
You see? I've known you, what, five minutes and already I'd rather have you kill me.
Thank you.
- Have you? - Sterilized the cerebral spinal fluid? - Yes.
- Perhaps you should Fractionally distill the crude reaction mixture? Done.
- Have the - Crystals formed? No.
- I wonder - Nine point three.
- But I - Blue.
- Why? - Seven.
Interesting.
Hey, guys.
I'm ready to help.
Um, would you like to chop this table in half? I don't have a lab coat.
Look, I know we got off to a bad start with the whole guacamole thing, but everyone has something cool to do except me.
Let me ask you this, Abby-san Obviously, this was a mistake.
Do you have any knowledge of neuroscience? I get straight A's in everything except science.
- Are you good at taking notes? - Yes.
Take this down, verbatim.
I'd like a turkey sandwich on whole wheat, no mayo.
Then run to the Rite Aid, get me a bag of raw cashews, a bar of free-trade dark chocolate, and three postcards with the Hollywood sign on them.
I have nieces.
Thank you for entrusting me with this super-exciting assignment.
Oh, Abby, wait.
Could you get me a roast beef on nothing, 'cause I respect you and don't want anything.
I'm still not convinced that getting an old woman drunk is the best way to do this.
We are not taking her to Magic Mountain.
People throw up on those roller coasters all the time.
How are we supposed to collect her vomit? Strap a bucket to her face like a horse? No one would care.
The last time I was there, I saw a baby wearing an outfit that said, "My parents fucked nine months ago and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
" Fact: liquor is the best and least suspicious way to get someone to throw up.
Fact: I hate when you do the fact thing, especially when it's not a fact.
Accurate statement: I know she drinks, 'cause last time I was here she did shots at 10 a.
m.
And, objective truth: you don't have blood, so you don't feel alcohol, therefore you can outdrink her.
So, strongly held opinion: this is what we should do, because, crossing a line, your idea is stupid.
You know, I was thinking if it comes to it, maybe I'll have my sister kill me.
Kathy? That's crazy.
Well, it just seems like this is really stressing you out.
Maybe it's easier for everybody.
First of all, Kathy's gonna be 40 minutes late killing you.
And she'll probably ask for money before she does it.
And I don't know what she can grip with those fingernails.
Certainly not a baseball bat.
Hi! You man who bring nice box.
That's right! This is my wife, Sheila.
And we brought you another gift to thank you for helping us translate those prints.
- Your wife has nice box? - This guy likes it.
We brought you a wonderful bucket.
Nice.
We also got a few bottles of that Serbian liquor you like.
Maraska.
We drink.
- Can I help you? - What? My manager noticed that you've been staring at the snacks for, like, a really long time.
It's just my mom has this illness.
And, um, there's this doctor who's trying to save her and she's given everyone exciting stuff to do except me.
Is excitement important? I thought so.
But maybe you're right.
Maybe it isn't.
My mom's sick.
That's what I need to be focused on.
I should be helping other people.
And maybe I should, too.
Like, lately, I've been doing crazier and crazier stuff and I'm never satisfied.
And maybe that's because I'm only thinking about myself.
Like with this doctor, she's in town to save my mom's life and all I can think about is she's taken my bedroom.
- So, did you want something? - Yeah.
Yeah, I do, Ramona.
I want to be more selfless.
Okay.
You make it sound so easy.
Sometimes I see things other people don't.
This should be in aisle five.
Why you no drink? Oh, I don't want you to take advantage of me, Mrs.
Bakavic.
- Down the hatch.
- Stop! What are you people doing here? Principal Novak.
Why aren't you at school? I'm taking a mental health day, which my therapist tells me is nothing to be ashamed of.
- My grandson has weak mind.
- Baka, you're drunk.
It's before noon.
Last week you got so drunk that you threw up.
- She threw up? - Exactly how many drinks did that take? So we know when to stop.
I want you people out of here.
I am calling the police.
- No.
My house.
They stay.
You go.
- I'm not leaving.
They bring me bucket.
You bring shame.
He dance in bathroom by himself.
You are a terrible roommate.
And your food is too oily.
You have a beautiful family.
To the baka's family! No.
I finish.
Oh, really? God, I'm just getting started.
I guess American women are better drinkers than Serbian women.
American women only good at one thing: boo-hoo about sex with boss.
- I going to be sick.
- Oh, my God, we brought a bucket.
Shit! Now what? I have an idea.
We're not bringing her to Magic Mountain.
Then let's bring Magic Mountain to her.
All right, I've synthesized the dioxatrope and lithium salts, - which is the first stage of the remedy.
- Fuck yeah! Sorry.
This is kinda like my Super Bowl.
Here's your stuff.
I actually had a life-changing experience in Rite Aid, believe it or not.
Hmm.
Not.
I'm uncertain this first stage is safe for anything bigger than a rat.
What are the risks? If I've overestimated, it could cause dangerous convulsions.
But there's no safe way to test it.
But since Mrs.
Hammond's dead, if we guess wrong she could be stuck in a convulsive state forever.
Exactly.
- Holy shit! - What are you doing? Something selfless.
I'm testing it to make sure it's safe for my mom.
Are you insane? How do you feel? - Like a good person.
- You shouldn't have done that.
Eric, I'm fine.
Really, I'm fine.
I just just - Oh, God.
She's convulsing.
Abby? - Don't let her bite her tongue.
- I'll get my medical bag.
- Abby? Oh, don't grab the bag.
I was kidding, I'm fine.
You scared the crap out of me.
- That wasn't funny, Abby.
- Oh, it was a little funny.
Look, just 'cause I'm being selfless doesn't mean I'm not gonna get back at you for sending me to get snacks when it's my mom who's sick and And - Dr.
Wolf, what's happening? - Eric, grab my medical bag.
- Again, kidding.
Totally fine.
- God, Abby.
- You trying to give me a heart attack? - I suspected that one was fake.
I'm not a genius like you guys, but wouldn't it take a second for my blood to get to my brain and Whoa.
- What's wrong? - What is this, seriously? - Seriously, what's happening? - Abby! Abby! - The toxins have reached her brain.
- Uh, no.
No, they haven't.
Motherfucker! - Oh, my God.
- Abby? Abby, can you hear me? - Yeah, what? - I hate you so much right now.
Your commitment is outstanding.
What won't we do? I don't wear fur, and I won't eat people's buttholes.
Yeah, we're great.
They should name a street after us.
Switch.
Is the Kramers' fiesta pool party tonight? Yes, Wendy said they were getting a margarita fountain.
I'm so glad we're doing this instead.
- Honey? - Hmm? Do you resent me? What? It's just with the whole bashing-my-brains-in-with-a-bat thing, and then calling my excellent Magic Mountain idea stupid, and now missing the fiesta I think you resent me.
I don't resent you.
I just want to get a bucket of Serbian vomit and go home.
Maybe she has to be awake to throw up.
Fine.
I'll go make some coffee.
Admit it! You resent me because I ruined our lives! Sheila, get off of me! You're mad that you're not at the Kramers' party.
Admit it.
Honey, stop.
You're starting to go feral.
We're never gonna get to go to Maui again without killing someone, which means it's gonna be a working vacation.
With technology, every vacation's a working vacation these days.
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
Huh.
Oh! Prague Castle! Another place we'll never go! Come on, I've ruined date night because when we go to a restaurant the only thing I can eat is the chef.
We're saving a lot of money not eating out.
Shit! Hello, man with nice box.
Oh, look who's up.
Help me.
Look, I just don't want your resentment to build up and come out in an inappropriate way.
You see the irony in that, right? All right.
I am angry.
I don't like killing people and stuffing them into freezers, and throwing away my Pumas I just broke in because they got brain on them.
The thing that kept me going was that one day our lives would get back to normal.
But now that's gone! And I don't know if I can keep doing this.
But I'm gonna try.
'Cause I know I'll never do this.
I'm so sorry I attacked you.
I'm gonna try super hard to never let that happen again.
I'd like that.
I'll always do whatever I can to make us work.
Sheriff's department.
Shit! Novak must've called the police.
Oh, God.
Let's get out of here.
I going to be sick.
You go.
We're so close.
Everything all right in there, ma'am? - I don't wanna leave you.
- You have to.
You attacked me for not being emotionally available.
Imagine what you'd do to a cop.
Ma'am, open the door.
I'll meet you at home.
Go.
Ma'am.
Vomit.
Please.
I just want your vomit.
Sir, I need you to step away from the woman.
Just give me two minutes.
Dr.
Wolf says it's critical! Her bile guy's on vacation! Jesus! - Did you get the bile? - Not yet.
Your shirt's torn.
What happened? Honey, I need you to do something for me.
Chain Mommy in the basement.
Every marriage has its challenges.
Mine's no different.
Sheila and I have been together 25 years.
Things were getting a little routine.
Monday movie night, Friday night date night at Japopo's.
The food wasn't great stay away from the clams.
Japopo's: J-A-P-O-P-O apostrophe S.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, things started getting a little crazy.
I won't bore you with the details, but trust me, really crazy.
And that was hard.
Not just for me.
For the whole family.
- You can't just leave.
- I'm sorry.
There's no bile, we just got a call your father's been arrested, and I can't be here if the police come because I'm the president of a biotech company and there are chunks of people in your freezer.
What am I supposed to do? You're a brave, resourceful girl, Abby.
I saw that today.
You'll be okay.
I've left you all my equipment and the book.
I want it back, so don't treat it like a placemat at Chili's.
Do I miss the way things were? Sometimes.
But there's so much more to my marriage now.
Sheila pushes me to do things, to open up.
It's really exciting, man.
When I look back at my life just three weeks ago I think maybe I was the dead one.
Ha! I was the dead one.
Sure, sometimes the excitement gets a little out of hand.
I got tased, that's cool.
But the rest of the time, and believe me when I tell you Hey, guys.
we're just like any other normal Santa Clarita family.
Okay, that's wrong.
Hello, we are interested in hosting a pure Serbian exchange student.
Do you have one we could get this week? Hello.
The listing on Summervale? Oh, it's a beautiful property.
Great location, new kitchen, marble countertops, detached bonus room.
Ooh.
Tomorrow's not great for me or my husband.
But hopefully next week one of us will be free.