Sealab 2021 (2000) s01e10 Episode Script
Murphy Murph and the Feng Shui Bunch
If you're looking for me.
You better check under the sea.
Cause that is where you'll find me.
Underneath the Sealab.
Underneath the water.
Sealab at the bottom of the sea.
Hhhhmmm.
God! - Bah! I am so sick of this craptank.
Man.
.
- Day in, day out, same old metal walls, same old glass, two feet thick, keeping this same old stupid water pressure from crushing us like fleas.
I NEED A CHANGE! I don't think your hair can take another perm, Skip.
Nor do I.
But I'm talking about Feng Shui, the ancient Chinese study of harmony with one's surroundings.
Oh yeah, I - So, I've hired the best Feng Shui guy in the business to come down here, and get my Yin and Yang in balance, 'cause I, FRIGGIN LOVE HARMONY!! I've got to up his saltpeter dosage.
Welcome to Sealab, Master Lou! Right, yeah This place is a dump.
That's why we're gonna rebuild the whole place.
The Bridge, the Reactor - - Ho, ho, ho, wait, wait.
Wait.
I know you're excited, but you know Feng Shui costs, like, ungodly amounts of money, alright? Whatever, it's all taxpayer money.
So go nuts! Pad the he out of it.
Heh.
.
yeah, well, don't worry about that.
First up, my crapper! That's where I really focus a lot on my Chi.
Do not mess with me! Okay.
Lou, I.
.
I'm speechless! Yeah, you know a.
.
fifty thousand dollar, uh, toilet'll do that You know that's how much that costs, right? I mean, just so we're clear, before we rip out the Cafeteria.
I'll, uh.
.
I'll catch up, uh.
.
I gotta get, er, something, er, down on paper.
Oh - oh, you gotta get - I, I gotcha.
Bathroom humor.
That's great.
You know any funny stuff about farts? Yeah.
Oh yeah, man, it's a goldmine.
Insane amounts of money No, man, he thinks I invented Feng Shui, you believe that? He's, like, "Captain Trusting" Oh, yeah, you got a pen? Here's the social.
Hey, what's goin' on out there? Oh, Murphy hired a Feng Shui dude to redecorate the joint.
Feng Shui? That's not in the budget! How're we payin' for all this? Selling pot.
.
.
.
holders.
.
.
.
made of hemp.
Yeah, so she goes, "Sixty-nine? You mean you want beef with broccoli?" HAHAHAhahahahahahahaha - Yeah! Sexist and racist.
Wow.
Two in one.
- I kill myself.
Hahahahaha.
.
You, you have a gift.
Hahaha, yeah, yeah I got a ton of those! So, so hey, uh, what am I eating here, anyway? Korean! For starters, musangchae.
Then, bibimbap, with a kochujang pepper sauce, and this little guy over here, is a side of kimchi.
No kidding.
Yeah, uh, kim, uh - Kimchi.
- uh, chi, er, kimchi, dates back like a thhh.
.
uh.
.
like, I think like a thousand years, to the uhh.
.
Ding Dong dynasty.
Oh - oh, sure, the Ding Dongs.
Say, let's put some wind chimes up around here, whaddya say? Murphy, listen to me.
You live in an airtight capsule.
How can a wind chime work without wind? Is there nothing we can't learn when we look to the East? Hi! Dude, that's why we're selling you the golden fans.
To generate the wind.
Yo, Marco! This Master Lou guy, anybody check him out? Stingray softly sleeps, My probing will not wake him, Sweet dreams, little one.
What?? Haiku, baby! I bought Master Lou's best-selling book! Only $99.
95! Wait a minute! Okay.
.
ahhhh.
.
oh.
.
ohhh.
.
here we go.
I poke, poke his face, And yet he still ignores me, Poke, poke, poke, poke, pooooooke.
This.
.
is crap.
I don't know who put these tubes here, but they've got to go.
Okay, you need rocks, and wood and leaves and.
.
you know.
Hmmm.
.
I think we need those And that, Captain, is how these vaporators, make breathable air from seawater.
Any questions? Yes.
Can I borrow your pick? .
.
No.
Nope, Guess not.
Rip 'em out! Dig it.
boy I tell ya, I don't trust that boy as far as I can throw him, man, I'm gonna find out what's goin' on here, man, alright, Master Lou can't fool me - Interpol.
Yeah, hi.
I need you to run a background check on a "Master Lou", which may be an alias.
I'll just type that in.
How'd you hear about us? - My mom.
Yeah.
Let's see.
He's wanted for fraud, theft by fraud, aaand - oh! - murder.
I knew it! Will you be needing anything else today, sir or ma'am? No.
Thank you.
Would you like to take advantage of Wiretap Wednesdays? No, no, thank you.
Noo, thank you.
Check out this bitchin' shuriken Master Lou sold me! Only a hundred bucks! I got nunchaku.
What'd you get? Uh.
.
this crappy-ass bird.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha, duuuuude.
- Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha, loser, that's so sorry.
- Aaand, this ceremonial Katana!! With Tanto!! Hey! Where's Master Lou? Whoa, whoa! Take your shoes off!! Don't disrespect our dojo, dude! Shut up.
Master Lou.
.
is an impostor! Dude, you're an idiot! Hee hee hee - - Ha ha ha! Good call on the bamboo, Lou! Feels good, huh? Now let's put a Zen garden in the Tank Room.
Hee hee hee hee hya ha ha ha! I feel kinda.
.
light-headed, heh heh.
.
Yeah.
You wanna totally ride that feeling, 'cause I'm stoked about this decision.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
.
- Yeah, man, hey.
You know, someone had told me that you're famous, Yah? - So can I get your autograph? Ha haa, alright, hahaha - Ha ha, duuuuude.
Listen to me, people! He's swindled Sealab out of millions! What if the whole world was like, um, a giant video game? Hiyaaa! Ha ha, gimme back my chips! Hey, the vaporators have stopped working! Ha ha ha ha! Nitrogen narcosis! Nitrogen narcosis is, heh heh heh, potentially fatal! Hahaha, and the reactors are offline! Ha ha! Hey, get Hesh on Two! Hurry up, Sparks! Hahaha.
.
Alright, Officer Buzzkill! Bridge to reactor! Hesh, come in! Hai! - Hahahaha, what're you doing?? Master Lou ripped out all the electronics! Turned the Reactor Room into a Japanese bath house! And forced you to dress like a Geisha!? Uh, no! That was my idea! Why don't you come on down? Give you a body shampoo!! Happy ending! With no vaporator, heh, and no reactor, we're doomed! Duuuuuuude.
- Oh, man, that's great.
Hoho, to the Tank Room! We can put on the scuba gear! Ah ha ha ha, this, this Feng Shui stuff is great! Look, I gotta, uh, I gotta skate.
And you're totally outta money, right? Mm-hm.
- So, umm, how do I get out, where there's not water? Hold it right there, Lou! Interpol told me all about you! Those guys, like, totally hate me.
Hey, uh, if you remember, what did they tell ya about, uh, this?? Mother - holy bejeezus! - Oh my God! Away! You see this? See, see how my body's glowing like that? Yeah, lotta people can't do that.
Come get some of this glowing.
Okay, Master Lou! Come and get a shot of Vitamin "M!" Heyaah!! Okay.
.
you want, you want some.
You want some of the glowing.
Look, man, your soul? I'm gonna totally chew on it, and floss with your spirit.
I read that somewhere.
But I'll do it.
Oh yeah, gringo? Well, I'm just gonna plain kick your ass! Heyaaaah!! Face hit! Face hit! This game is stupid, you spend an hour hanging wind chimes and then you fight? What kind game is that? - Somersault, back kick, kick 'im in the back of the head, that's right, Marco.
Hey, time out - - Hit 'im in the face again! Time out, my joystick.
.
uh, it's not working! Face hit! - Would you quit it?? Look at that! Look at that! Look how bad I'm beatin' you! You know I, I slept wrong on my wrist two weeks ago, nd it's unfair that you're making me play with my hands.
Have you no shame? Get your dead ass up and fight me! Meatwad, for, for real.
Can we just time out for a minute? No, you're dead.
And I'm gonna desecrate your corpse.
You know what?? Video games, are forbidden! From now on.
I'm not kidding! That's right, get outta here! It's the balloon stage.
I'm solo on this.
What did I just tell you?? - Uh-oh.
Yagh! - Hey! Ugh! - Don't! Here's your "joy stick!" I raked leaves all Summer to get this game! Well it's broken now, and guess what? I'm gonna go break everything in your room - Don't you dare do that! - because you're very disobedient! Seventy-Thirty.
Is this yours? That's not mine.
- 'Cause it's gone! You're breakin' somebody else's thing, there.
Well it's cheap-lookin', and it's outta here.
What kinda crap is this? Did an elephant paint this?
You better check under the sea.
Cause that is where you'll find me.
Underneath the Sealab.
Underneath the water.
Sealab at the bottom of the sea.
Hhhhmmm.
God! - Bah! I am so sick of this craptank.
Man.
.
- Day in, day out, same old metal walls, same old glass, two feet thick, keeping this same old stupid water pressure from crushing us like fleas.
I NEED A CHANGE! I don't think your hair can take another perm, Skip.
Nor do I.
But I'm talking about Feng Shui, the ancient Chinese study of harmony with one's surroundings.
Oh yeah, I - So, I've hired the best Feng Shui guy in the business to come down here, and get my Yin and Yang in balance, 'cause I, FRIGGIN LOVE HARMONY!! I've got to up his saltpeter dosage.
Welcome to Sealab, Master Lou! Right, yeah This place is a dump.
That's why we're gonna rebuild the whole place.
The Bridge, the Reactor - - Ho, ho, ho, wait, wait.
Wait.
I know you're excited, but you know Feng Shui costs, like, ungodly amounts of money, alright? Whatever, it's all taxpayer money.
So go nuts! Pad the he out of it.
Heh.
.
yeah, well, don't worry about that.
First up, my crapper! That's where I really focus a lot on my Chi.
Do not mess with me! Okay.
Lou, I.
.
I'm speechless! Yeah, you know a.
.
fifty thousand dollar, uh, toilet'll do that You know that's how much that costs, right? I mean, just so we're clear, before we rip out the Cafeteria.
I'll, uh.
.
I'll catch up, uh.
.
I gotta get, er, something, er, down on paper.
Oh - oh, you gotta get - I, I gotcha.
Bathroom humor.
That's great.
You know any funny stuff about farts? Yeah.
Oh yeah, man, it's a goldmine.
Insane amounts of money No, man, he thinks I invented Feng Shui, you believe that? He's, like, "Captain Trusting" Oh, yeah, you got a pen? Here's the social.
Hey, what's goin' on out there? Oh, Murphy hired a Feng Shui dude to redecorate the joint.
Feng Shui? That's not in the budget! How're we payin' for all this? Selling pot.
.
.
.
holders.
.
.
.
made of hemp.
Yeah, so she goes, "Sixty-nine? You mean you want beef with broccoli?" HAHAHAhahahahahahahaha - Yeah! Sexist and racist.
Wow.
Two in one.
- I kill myself.
Hahahahaha.
.
You, you have a gift.
Hahaha, yeah, yeah I got a ton of those! So, so hey, uh, what am I eating here, anyway? Korean! For starters, musangchae.
Then, bibimbap, with a kochujang pepper sauce, and this little guy over here, is a side of kimchi.
No kidding.
Yeah, uh, kim, uh - Kimchi.
- uh, chi, er, kimchi, dates back like a thhh.
.
uh.
.
like, I think like a thousand years, to the uhh.
.
Ding Dong dynasty.
Oh - oh, sure, the Ding Dongs.
Say, let's put some wind chimes up around here, whaddya say? Murphy, listen to me.
You live in an airtight capsule.
How can a wind chime work without wind? Is there nothing we can't learn when we look to the East? Hi! Dude, that's why we're selling you the golden fans.
To generate the wind.
Yo, Marco! This Master Lou guy, anybody check him out? Stingray softly sleeps, My probing will not wake him, Sweet dreams, little one.
What?? Haiku, baby! I bought Master Lou's best-selling book! Only $99.
95! Wait a minute! Okay.
.
ahhhh.
.
oh.
.
ohhh.
.
here we go.
I poke, poke his face, And yet he still ignores me, Poke, poke, poke, poke, pooooooke.
This.
.
is crap.
I don't know who put these tubes here, but they've got to go.
Okay, you need rocks, and wood and leaves and.
.
you know.
Hmmm.
.
I think we need those And that, Captain, is how these vaporators, make breathable air from seawater.
Any questions? Yes.
Can I borrow your pick? .
.
No.
Nope, Guess not.
Rip 'em out! Dig it.
boy I tell ya, I don't trust that boy as far as I can throw him, man, I'm gonna find out what's goin' on here, man, alright, Master Lou can't fool me - Interpol.
Yeah, hi.
I need you to run a background check on a "Master Lou", which may be an alias.
I'll just type that in.
How'd you hear about us? - My mom.
Yeah.
Let's see.
He's wanted for fraud, theft by fraud, aaand - oh! - murder.
I knew it! Will you be needing anything else today, sir or ma'am? No.
Thank you.
Would you like to take advantage of Wiretap Wednesdays? No, no, thank you.
Noo, thank you.
Check out this bitchin' shuriken Master Lou sold me! Only a hundred bucks! I got nunchaku.
What'd you get? Uh.
.
this crappy-ass bird.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha, duuuuude.
- Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha, loser, that's so sorry.
- Aaand, this ceremonial Katana!! With Tanto!! Hey! Where's Master Lou? Whoa, whoa! Take your shoes off!! Don't disrespect our dojo, dude! Shut up.
Master Lou.
.
is an impostor! Dude, you're an idiot! Hee hee hee - - Ha ha ha! Good call on the bamboo, Lou! Feels good, huh? Now let's put a Zen garden in the Tank Room.
Hee hee hee hee hya ha ha ha! I feel kinda.
.
light-headed, heh heh.
.
Yeah.
You wanna totally ride that feeling, 'cause I'm stoked about this decision.
Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
.
- Yeah, man, hey.
You know, someone had told me that you're famous, Yah? - So can I get your autograph? Ha haa, alright, hahaha - Ha ha, duuuuude.
Listen to me, people! He's swindled Sealab out of millions! What if the whole world was like, um, a giant video game? Hiyaaa! Ha ha, gimme back my chips! Hey, the vaporators have stopped working! Ha ha ha ha! Nitrogen narcosis! Nitrogen narcosis is, heh heh heh, potentially fatal! Hahaha, and the reactors are offline! Ha ha! Hey, get Hesh on Two! Hurry up, Sparks! Hahaha.
.
Alright, Officer Buzzkill! Bridge to reactor! Hesh, come in! Hai! - Hahahaha, what're you doing?? Master Lou ripped out all the electronics! Turned the Reactor Room into a Japanese bath house! And forced you to dress like a Geisha!? Uh, no! That was my idea! Why don't you come on down? Give you a body shampoo!! Happy ending! With no vaporator, heh, and no reactor, we're doomed! Duuuuuuude.
- Oh, man, that's great.
Hoho, to the Tank Room! We can put on the scuba gear! Ah ha ha ha, this, this Feng Shui stuff is great! Look, I gotta, uh, I gotta skate.
And you're totally outta money, right? Mm-hm.
- So, umm, how do I get out, where there's not water? Hold it right there, Lou! Interpol told me all about you! Those guys, like, totally hate me.
Hey, uh, if you remember, what did they tell ya about, uh, this?? Mother - holy bejeezus! - Oh my God! Away! You see this? See, see how my body's glowing like that? Yeah, lotta people can't do that.
Come get some of this glowing.
Okay, Master Lou! Come and get a shot of Vitamin "M!" Heyaah!! Okay.
.
you want, you want some.
You want some of the glowing.
Look, man, your soul? I'm gonna totally chew on it, and floss with your spirit.
I read that somewhere.
But I'll do it.
Oh yeah, gringo? Well, I'm just gonna plain kick your ass! Heyaaaah!! Face hit! Face hit! This game is stupid, you spend an hour hanging wind chimes and then you fight? What kind game is that? - Somersault, back kick, kick 'im in the back of the head, that's right, Marco.
Hey, time out - - Hit 'im in the face again! Time out, my joystick.
.
uh, it's not working! Face hit! - Would you quit it?? Look at that! Look at that! Look how bad I'm beatin' you! You know I, I slept wrong on my wrist two weeks ago, nd it's unfair that you're making me play with my hands.
Have you no shame? Get your dead ass up and fight me! Meatwad, for, for real.
Can we just time out for a minute? No, you're dead.
And I'm gonna desecrate your corpse.
You know what?? Video games, are forbidden! From now on.
I'm not kidding! That's right, get outta here! It's the balloon stage.
I'm solo on this.
What did I just tell you?? - Uh-oh.
Yagh! - Hey! Ugh! - Don't! Here's your "joy stick!" I raked leaves all Summer to get this game! Well it's broken now, and guess what? I'm gonna go break everything in your room - Don't you dare do that! - because you're very disobedient! Seventy-Thirty.
Is this yours? That's not mine.
- 'Cause it's gone! You're breakin' somebody else's thing, there.
Well it's cheap-lookin', and it's outta here.
What kinda crap is this? Did an elephant paint this?