Seed (2013) s01e10 Episode Script

Oh no.
My friend's kid is sick.
Now I can't stay at her place.
What's wrong with your place? Besides the crack den downstairs.
We have cockroaches.
Weird.
You'd think the rats would have eaten them.
My place is getting fumigated and the toxins are harmful for the baby.
Rose, why don't you stay at Harry's? I wouldn't want you to be an inconvenience.
It would be a pleasure for you not to have me.
I guess the mother of your unborn child can always sleep on a park bench.
But which park? Mugging Park? Stabbing Park? Unidentified Human Remains Park? You can stay at my place.
Unless.
You sure? Yeah.
Great.
Can't wait.
I used to give, give, give.
I gave to these two ladies.
That's my boy.
Oh, and I'm also their donor.
That's kind of my daughter, huh huh huh.
And she's a little bit pregnant with my baby too.
I'm Harry, but the kids, they call me dad.
Well I am not looking forward to dealing with a car salesman.
They're a necessary evil.
Like tax audits.
Although I love tax audits.
Men get a nine percent better deal than women do; That's a fact.
Those places are run by sexist jerks.
Happy to do the haggling, my love.
Okay but this time, could you just not do that thing where you say 'double' when you actually mean 'half'.
One time.
At a flea market.
We spent an extra twelve bucks for that Prince Charles mug.
Big deal.
I can bargain.
Thanks.
Rose is going to love your cot.
Shouldn't you take the cot and give Rose your bed? No That would be sexist.
Convertible.
I approve.
But you still have that big clunky Volvo, right? It is not clunky.
I meant ugly.
But it is great for taking this over to my place.
Look, we're in the middle of something.
Poor pregnant Rose will just sleep on the couch, I guess.
I'll take it over around seven.
Oh not now? Okay.
While we wait I'll just teach Anastasia how to shotgun a beer.
You will? Sick! He won't.
Give me a half an hour.
Five minutes.
Ten.
Lite or micro-brew? Either! Fine, I'll take over the cot, set it up, and bring it back.
I'll do better at the dealership.
Right.
So your great grandmother's going to sleep in your bed and you, my lucky little guy, get to camp out on the floor! Remember Baba? She visited five years ago? The one who wanted to break my left hand 'cause she wanted me to be right handed? Yeah Baba's a bit of a disciplinarian.
Also known as 'having a history of violence'.
And look, now you're right-handed! So for this weekend, you're not going to call.
Mommy Michelle 'Mom', you're going to call her.
'Nanny', okay? How come? 'Cause I refused to be called the cleaning lady.
You know Baba's very old - Homophobic.
She's from the Old Country- Where stoning gays is still legal.
Only on public holidays.
So you're not gay now? No I am proud to be gay.
But there's no word in Baba's language for 'lesbian.
' The closest word is 'witch'.
I'm just waiting for the right time to tell her.
Oh yes you're right.
Because you didn't have an opportunity to tell her.
Oh wait, you did.
Our wedding.
Well we didn't invite her because we didn't think she'd live that long.
But hate has preserved her.
Sorry, I meant to clean up.
Slice? Oh.
Can you get rid of that, please? Making you sick? Nope, it smells amazing.
I'm just trying to live as cleanly as possible.
You gotta give in to your cravings.
I mean that's how I live my life, and I'm not even pregnant.
I wish I could.
Just trying to do what's best for this baby.
Alright, here we go, Mr.
Hitchcock.
You own a parrot? Does it speak? That's a canary.
Be gentle.
They're sensitive to toxic environments.
They used to use them in coal mines to warn the miners of dangerous gases.
Well don't leave him near the bathroom then.
Alright.
Can you help me unpack? Yeah I just gotta finish this game.
There's this knob in Bulgaria who's always lying in wait, ready to snipe anyone who comes by.
That's his name? What's a 'Dushbaag'? Well in Bulgarian, I'm pretty sure it means 'idiot who can't spell'.
Make yourself at home.
Want a drink? Love one.
Great.
There's a convenience store downstairs.
I'm going to have an iced tea.
Yep.
Thank you so much.
You got it.
Ha! Hahahaha! Janet.
Hi Harry.
Just a little 'drop-in'.
Family members do that sort of thing.
But you say "we're not family.
" Harry's just the sperm donor.
"That's it.
" It's practically your email signature.
I want a new car, but the salesman will overcharge me if I go in alone.
So why don't you go with Jonathan? I'm better off alone.
So you want me to pretend that I'm your husband? Oh, that's a gem.
No, no, I don't want you to pretend to be my husband.
So, I'm your son? Jonathan is a dead loss when it comes to haggling.
But you seem to have the knack.
I just need a male presence, Okay? Agree with me.
Play bad cop to my good cop.
I can do that.
I have handcuffs.
I'll help, but I want driving privileges.
There is no way you're using my car to pick up loose, obviously desperate women.
Okay.
Well then you can just pay through the nose for your new car.
Ooh you're good.
Fine.
It's a deal.
But no fooling around inside the car.
But sex is fine? I know what you're going to say.
But the baby loves pizza.
It's been non-stop kicks since I took my first bite! Uh huh.
And I see the baby loves reality television too.
Yeah.
Pretty sure he wants the blonde to win the skank-off.
Like father, like fetus.
Hey did you know marshmallow spread on pizza crusts is delicious? I did know that.
You can also use the crust to scoop out ice cream and then- You don't have to wash a spoon.
Welcome home, Rose.
Ready to go, buddy? Grab your board and let's hit it.
Oh.
Harry.
You're here.
You sound very Michelle.
Well it's not an ideal time.
My grandmother's visiting from overseas - Introduce me! I'll charm the pants off of herrr Not what I will do.
Grandmothers love me.
Well, mine did.
For a time.
Dad! Dad? Hey.
Pleased to meet you.
What are you saying? You shouldn't have abandoned me after Billy was born! I might have told her that Billy's father was a deadbeat Dad.
And I'm not gay.
I'm just a ruined woman because of you! Oh! Oh good.
You told your grandmother I'm the deadbeat dad? But I'm actually doing the responsible thing.
Anybody see the irony here? Nanny Michelle does.
Okay, could you just suck it up for a bit? She stays with us once every five years, she won't live to see another visit.
Promises, promises.
How can you tell you have internal bleeding? Do you know Zoey actually 'de-gayed' the house? All of the gay evidence is in that box.
Rainbow flag, gay.
Virginia Woolf, gay.
Why is my plaid shirt in here? Well, because it's- Really? Definitely.
Zoey, is this really the example that you want to set for Billy? Just deny your true self to avoid drama? To avoid injury.
Great, so I'll just keep sleeping on the couch- That would be great, thanks.
I'll tell her.
The right moment hasn't revealed itself yet.
How about now? It's three against one.
We could take her.
No I need to meditate on what I'll say, but it will definitely be this week.
Or by letter, once she's gone.
Okay, reload.
Short controlled bursts.
Nice.
Now go behind that burnt-out truck.
Okay.
Pick up the dead guy's RPG and- Whoa.
What happened? You just got Dushbaagged.
That Bulgarian bastard! Yeah.
Popcorn? Please.
How did you get it so tasty? No butter, so I used the powdered cheese from the instant mac and cheese.
Genius.
Alright.
I'm gonna get me a Dushbaag.
Atta girl.
Hey.
Maybe later we can settle in for the spaghetti western marathon? You know, if you weren't pregnant with my child I'd kiss you.
Dammit, he's so good.
I know.
That's her.
Baba the bully.
That sweet old lady? Don't fall for it.
I think she's ex-Army.
Dobosh Torte cake.
You're right.
Total bully.
Baba asked me to bring her here to see you.
She wants to make peace with you.
Oh.
I love cake.
And peace.
Friends, yes? Friends, yes.
Thank you.
Friends, good.
Family good.
Yes, Harry marry Zoey, yes? What? Ummm, no.
Harry no marry Zoey.
Never.
Sorry.
No.
Nyet.
Ptui.
My cake.
She also just put a curse on you.
Sorry.
Not the curse.
You're late.
Missed my bus.
It's not the curse.
Curse? You're supposed to dress up when you go car shopping.
It makes you look high status so people know that you're better than them.
I mean, more successful.
Confident enough not to show off.
I can tell that your husband's a discerning car buyer.
Husband.
Discerning.
How can I help? Whoa, tiger.
Whoa.
We're just here to look at this car.
Great.
Take your time.
Cappuccino? Your manipulation won't work on us.
Ah the convertible, my favorite.
But I gotta be honest with you, it's a bit impractical.
And you're paying for extras like individual climate control.
Climate control? Wow.
Fire to glacier.
Back to fire.
Back to glacier.
Now that'll get some nipples hard.
The odometer is at zero.
I didn't know they went that low.
I love this guy.
Now, there are added features which are completely optional.
OK whoa whoa whoa whoa.
I'm a psychologist.
And I know what you're doing here.
And it's not going to work.
Right, honey? A tiny fridge in the glove compartment! This is not a want, Janet, this is a need.
We're loaded, let's spoil ourselves.
Dick, could we get those cappuccinos? Absolutely.
I'll be right back.
You call this negotiating? Everything is so pretty.
Why you no work? It's my day off.
Why you no go home? This is my - I live here.
You no have own home? No, I no have own home.
You need man.
Woman need man.
Need wear dress.
Makeup.
Make pretty so you find man.
I'm sorry, but if I go any more below the sticker price, it's coming out of my paycheque.
That's bull.
You're just bilking us for crappy cappuccinos.
Look, I'm going to give you guys some time.
And there's no pressure.
No pressure? Hah! The minute you showed up in your cheap suit - Sweetie, give us a moment.
Shoo.
Look, I gotta be honest with you.
This whole marriage thing is a sham.
Oh man.
I've been there.
Ten years, and then the woman tells me there's another guy.
Oh, wow.
I am sorry.
No, I'm sorry, you gotta live with that hell cat.
You know what? This is what I'm going to do for you.
Janet, you have an amazing husband, here.
I've had a good first quarter; How about four grand off the sticker price? Sweetie! I'm looking for a good car for a fair price.
But be warned, I am a mean negotiator.
Uh oh.
What are you doing here? What are YOU doing here? And what are YOU doing here? Just wanted to keep that going.
That was great.
I'm gonna give you and your wife some time, alright? Your wife? A moment would be great, Dick.
I'm her husband.
I thought you were her husband.
Well, I never actually said How could you betray me like this After everything we've shared.
I thought we had a bond.
Yeah.
We do have a bond, Dick.
We both think she's a hell cat.
Excuse me? And what does the two-timing hell cat have to say for herself? I was just looking to get a better deal- Yeah, well, the deal's off.
Car buyers can be so sleazy.
Dick So, this is what they call nesting.
All expectant mothers do it.
You've been playing all day? Yes.
Awesome.
You've reached the Shrapnel Level.
This is huge.
I love the way the skull fragments spray when you shoot someone- -at close range.
Yeah I know, right? You are going to be a cool mom.
Oh right there.
That's where he squats.
Oh, we did it! We just killed the Dushbaag! You're glowing.
He respawned.
- Get him.
- Okay.
We are an awesome team! I wish we could play together but I left my other controller's at Billy's- Billy.
Oh, I'm supposed to take him skateboarding! So, take him another time.
No no no.
Every Wednesday we- Oh! It's Wednesday! I forgot an obstetrician appointment this morning.
I'm a deadbeat mom and the kid isn't even here yet! You're not a deadbeat mom.
Says the guy who forgot his son.
Hey.
I'm like you.
Oh.
I've become you.
You make that sound like it's a bad thing.
Look, what we have here is amazing! Mr.
Hitchcock! Don't read into that.
That is just the curse.
That is not the curse.
We forgot to feed him.
We're toxic together! Oh, Billy, I am so sorry.
Baba's making a doll that looks like you.
Oh yeah? She says the curse will work better if we make it with your real hair.
Okay.
I'm going to talk to Baba.
Why don't you pre-dial But don't hit the green button until I start bleeding, 'kay? 'Kay.
I'm not scared of you.
And you're not getting any of my hair.
Good.
I make you go bald.
No! OK, look.
I truly respect Zoey.
I just can't marry her because well, because she's already married.
To Michelle.
Zoey's gay.
Sorry for using that word in front of you.
Okay, look can you just go easy on my face? Maybe? Baba.
Baba? Is she Ding dong.
Good call, Good call.
She looks Peaceful? That's a cliché people use at funerals when they don't know the deceased.
Other good options would be.
'She lived a long and happy life', and 'She finally got her reward'.
I was gonna say, she looks like an ogre.
What are you doing here? For Zoey's grandfather, obviously.
Grandmother.
Oh well, she was manly.
Harry we need to talk.
I've been thinking.
We can still do this.
We can still make this deal happen.
Are you kidding me? No, we just need to go back to the car dealership, right now.
I have a new plan.
I can't do this with you.
Of course.
You've got duties.
We can sneak out the back once the speeches start.
I'm sorry.
But you're going to have to buy this new car with your husband.
Over my dead body.
Sorry.
You all right? I'm exhausted.
Getting this visitation together, to the funeral tomorrow when my family arrives it's just so much to deal with.
Look I can take care of all the details.
You should just focus on grieving the old bi - Baba.
Bi-baba.
She died never knowing the real me.
I should have had the courage to tell her that I love you.
And that you're my soul mate.
She tried to drown you when you got your ears pierced.
So I get why you never told her you were gay.
Mini slider? Have one.
No, Harry.
I'm done.
No more pork rinds.
No more pizza.
No more hashed brown sandwiches.
Hashed brown sandwiches? That's a great idea.
Yeah, I just take the cream cheese and I spread it in between the two of them and then- No no no no.
See, we bring out the worst in each other, Harry.
For our baby's sake, we have to stop this.
What? No more hanging out? No more having fun? No more- Killing canaries? Yeah.
I'm going to miss that old bird.
Me too.
Me too, Harry.
Oh.
Yes, we're all going to miss Baba.
I thought you hated Baba.
She made a voodoo doll out of you.
Cute, right? I'm going to put this little guy between two Playboy magazines.
Karmically it could be a win for me.
Alright, Baba was awful.
But at a funeral, it doesn't matter if what you say is true or not.
You just want to make whoever's sad feel better.
Excuse me.
No no no no.
Hey.
Baba knew that you and Michelle were married.
How? You told her Zoey married the Nanny? Yes.
And the good news is that, Baba said that she approved.
Baba, really? What did she say exactly? Well, she said, "I approve.
" Yeah yeah, sure.
I can almost hear her grunting it.
"I approve".
I didn't know she knew that phrase.
That's really something.
Thank you, Harry.
Oh boy.
I gotta go pay my respects.
Again.
My condolences, Zoey.
Thank you.
I saw the casket.
Your grandmother looked so peaceful.
She lived a long and healthy life.
She finally got her reward.
You never met her, did you? She's in heaven now.
Mmmmmmm.
OK, can you give us a moment? Thanks.
You can't pretend to be another man's husband.
I mean woman's.
I mean wife.
You know what I mean.
Keep your hands off Janet.
I don't want Janet.
Well you can't have her.
Well, you drive a hard bargain, but, fine.
Honey.
I thought you were at yoga.
No I said I was getting a yogurt.
Okay, fine.
I was trying to talk Harry into buying another car.
Harry? Why get Harry? Because you're a terrible negotiator, Jonathan.
Every time we try to buy a car together it ends up costing us an extra ten thousand dollars.
Then that's how much it costs.
When you married me, you married all the things I'm bad at.
Negotiating, opening jars, air and sea travel - you got it all.
You can't just ditch me for the bad stuff.
I wasn't- You know I don't go to Harry when I want an edible Thanksgiving turkey, or if I want to watch a movie in silence, or if I don't want to be micromanaged and undermined.
You're great.
I'm going to buy you a car.
Yes you are.
There's no way Baba approved.
Well, her accent was kind of thick.
You lied.
How dare you accuse me- Thank you.
You're welcome.
It doesn't matter how we feel.
Zoey's comforted.
It's the truth that killed her, isn't it? In all likelihood.
Yeah.
Just got off the phone with my landlord.
I can move back in to my place.
And we can go back to the way things were.
We can be miserable again.
I won't let our happiness hurt the baby.
That's great.
You know for a couple of days, we really had something there.
If only I had met you before you were pregnant with my child, we could have done great things.
Well I mean we killed a Bulgarian Dushbaag together.
We'll always have that.
And the baby.
Right.
Yes.
Sooo you brought Harry to the car dealership with you? Yes.
Some things you just don't do on your own.
No of fence.
Oh, none taken.
And it was a brilliant idea getting Harry to pretend to be your son.
Brilliant.
Virginia Woolf.
Back on the shelf.
Rainbow flag.
Back on the wall.
The portrait I did of us at Gay Pride.
Mmmm.
No.
Sorry for trying to scam you before.
Don't even worry about it.
I should have known something was up.
There's no way that hell cat could land a guy like you.
She is, however, married to me.
And you have my sympathy.
Again, we're talking about my wife.
Which is why I'm gonna take a grand off my earlier asking price.
Can you half that amount? Deal.
Dammit.