Selfie (2014) s01e10 Episode Script

Most mornings require a double dose of celebrity gossip and a triple-shot latte for me to even begin to perk up.
But today, I didn't need a Miley meltdown or a mochaccino.
I was being fueled by something else entirely.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse.
Excuse! Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
Good morning.
How are you? - Fine, thanks, and y - O.
M.
G.
I thought you'd never ask.
I am for reals drunk on feels, and I'm tingling all - Over.
- It is cold-sore season.
No, it is not the herp.
It's the heart.
I finally realized why it's never gonna happen with Freddy.
You mean Freddy the workplace DiCaprio, with the chiseled pecks and the tongue-traceable jawline? Freddy may be the perfect male specimen, but I think my heart belongs to someone else.
Who? Best not be Frank in the mail room because I am working my long game on him.
It is not Frank! It's Henry.
As in Henry Henry? His last name is not Henry, but, yes, Henry Henry.
Aah! You're in love with him? When he looks at me approvingly, I get these like, these shooting pangs.
That could be related to your usage of artificial sweeteners.
Okay.
- What's your probs? - I don't have probs.
You def have probs.
Why aren't you happier? I always assumed you were secretly rooting for the two of us to be together.
Not really.
- Charmonique.
- Hmm.
Are you gonna block this? No, do not do not block this! He has a girlfriend, Eliza! But they hardly ever see each other.
And Henry and I see each other all the time.
Well, then maybe I should be in love with Henry.
I see him all the time, too.
Okay, straight-up girl code.
If you have feelings for Henry, I will legit step aside.
But if you don't Charmonique, come on.
Support me.
Fine.
I am not into Henry.
He is all yours.
That is assuming that he feels the same way.
Only now that Charmonique mentioned it, I didn't really know how Henry felt.
After I revealed myself to him, he didn't really say much.
It seemed like all his energy went into trying not to look at my Mammaries.
I saw them.
Separately, and then together.
It was basically a full-frontal, co-worker-type situation.
So - Naturally, I thought of you.
- Me? Raj? I thought, "oh, boy, I'd better talk to Raj in H.
R.
about this.
" Did you want to file a sexual-harassment complaint? No, no, of course not.
So A high five, perhaps? A high fi absolutely not, no.
I I just wanted to let you know that the aforementioned incident was unsolicited and did not unfurl on premises.
Unfurl? Still, I thought it best to fully disclose to you, Raj.
Look, Henry, this isn't exactly unprecedented.
What's that? Eliza's inter-office sexual claims binder.
Nowadays, we ask that both parties sign a document saying that the relationship is consensual.
And if Saperstein approves the request, employees are free to bump uglies.
That's fascinating.
So, if Eliza has terminated things with Freddy, I can shred this and offer you this.
Just sign where indicated.
And if all goes well, you could be getting all up in there by lunch Thursday If I put a rush on it.
- synced/corrected: chamallow, resync: Kk.
False - Team.
Who amongst you can tell me what time it is? It's 9:33.
Don't be so literal, compadres.
I'm asking what time it is.
- Time to get ill? - Warmer.
It's time for the annual kinderkare karaoke party! Yes! Whoo! You earned it, folks! We crushed our year-end sales goals.
Stock is up.
Ergo I think I know what time it is, it's time to get ill Well said, my sightless friend.
Henry.
Henry.
Henry? Henry? Henry.
Psst! Henry.
Henry.
Henry.
Eliza's trying to get your attention.
I bet she wants to lock you down for a duet.
Might I suggest "Solid as a rock" by Ashford and Simpson? And we build it up and we build it up, and we build it up and now we're solid - Mnh, mnh.
- Yeah.
solid as a rock Oh-ho-ho! Feel free to use that one, sir.
I'm more of a solo artist.
What is that supposed to mean? Folks, please keep in mind that performance is mandatory.
And no one should sing the which I, myself, will be performing As I do every year.
- All right.
- All right.
Henry.
Henry! Eliza.
Freddy? Can we talk? Did you forget to gel your swoop? Uh, yes.
Yes, I did.
Oh, my God.
Uh, truth is I can't gel my swoop, horn my shoes, press my shirt, or even get through more than 40% of my Jason Statham workout.
Oh.
I'm starting to lose definition on those groin muscles that point to my junk.
Your Adonis belt? Freddy, no.
Yeah.
Oh, since you dumped me, I've been falling apart.
I'm in deep Eliza Dooley withdrawal.
And only by the grace of "Backdraft" reruns on the USA network am I standing here before you now.
What? Make no mistake, Eliza, I'm miserable without you.
Freddy-y-y-y.
If I moved too quickly, and you're not into the whole "relaysh," then let's just go back to having relentless, casual sex.
Mm.
Being with you is the only thing that makes any sense to me.
I'm really sorry, Freddy.
But right now my head is somewhere else.
So you should probably just go and gel your swoop.
It'll make you feel so much better, okay? Okay, what the quack? - Why are you avoiding me? - I am I am not avoiding you.
You power-walked out of that conference room like a mom at the Glendora galleria.
I have a naturally brisk gait.
Okay, so, let me get this straight.
I break up with my boyfriend, disrobe in a public elevator, confess that I may have accidentally fallen in love with you, and you, in turn, have a naturally brisk gait? You didn't say anything about accidentally falling in love with me.
Well, that was implied.
I exposed myself to you.
You exposed your body to me.
- There is a difference.
- Stop, just stop trying to lecture me and just tell me how you feel.
I think I think I need a moment to organize my thoughts.
Once I've performed some due diligence and weigh the assets and liabilities, I'll be far better equipped to share my findings.
Your findings? We're talking about our relationship, not a hostile corporate takeover.
I'm sorry.
I need some time.
Cool.
So, what are you thinking? Like 5? 10? I could hit up Linda's mint bowl.
Apply a top coat.
Re-record my voicemail to Soulja Boy's "Kiss me thru the phone," and then, like, circle back.
Or I could just leave.
Got it.
And how long has it been since you confronted him with your emotions? Almost 24 hours.
I don't get it.
Ugh, what am I supposed to do? Get dressed, huh? Show up at the party looking like a million bucks and make him eat his heart out? No! Hell, no! He ain't Freddie Prinze Jr.
! And I don't need to tell you you ain't Kate Hudson.
No, what you need to do is let yourself into his home and set fire to his living quarters.
What? Terry McMillan his ass.
Pile up all his tasteful teak furnishings and set them ablaze.
Lisa "Left eye" Lopes his whole situation.
You're not serious.
He's trying to burn you, is he not? Is he not?! But what if Henry decides he wants to be with me? Won't burning down his house, like, ruin things? No, not necessarily.
I'm sorry.
That is terrible advice.
She's crazy.
We haven't met, miss, but you are out of your mind.
I see.
And do you have a man, Juno? I have a male cat.
Do you have a man? And you say it's been 24 hours, and he still hasn't responded? What am I supposed to do? If it were me, rifle through his garbage, set up surveillance, tap his mother's phone, hack into his e-mails.
Henry69! Boom! We're in! Bitch.
Don't talk loud in my house.
She's stronger than she looks, though.
See, that's part of my game.
I like to come off as completely non-threatening so that men feel comfortable approaching me.
And yet they never do.
As Bryn and Charmonique prepared to go another round, I realized neither of them had any advice that was legal.
It didn't really matter what my friend, my neighbor, or Kate Hudson would do.
All that mattered was finding out how Henry felt.
Whatever it was, I just needed to know.
I don't agree with its politics, but part of me desperately wants to do "Bitch, don't kill my vibe," a known crowd-pleaser.
What about you? Hmm? Have you decided what you're going to do? No.
The truth is I have never felt more conflicted in my life.
On the one hand, there's this complicated, beautiful, but, let's be honest, slightly dangerous option.
"Hollaback girl" by Gwen Stefani! Exactly.
And I don't know if I can pull that one off.
And then there's this warm, safe, familiar option that feels very non-threatening and and easy.
"Uptown girl" by Billy Joel? The thing is, Raj, I've been doing "Uptown girl" my entire life.
And a part of me a big part of me wants to try something different, something out of my range.
I like "Hollaback girl" more than I should.
It's a great song.
I may have even grown to love it.
And even though it's scary and uncertain and several people in this office have performed it on other occasions I'm told two different people did it at last year's party.
Two d still I would never forgive myself if I didn't try.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna go for it.
Thank you, Raj.
Yo, pretty ladies around the world got a weird thing to show you so tell all the boys and girls tell your brother, your sister and your mama, too 'cause we're about to throw down and you know just what to do wave your hands in the air like you don't care Hey.
- Waiting for someone? - Freddy.
Expecting your lady? Who? Uh Julia.
Julia.
Yeah.
No, she's, uh, working tonight.
She's not gonna make it.
No woman, no cry.
That's actually a popular misconception.
That is not what that song was about.
I never should have tried to get serious with her, right? Is that it? She's just not the relationship kind of girl? Come on, Henry.
You know her better than anyone else.
No, no.
Oh, yeah, you do.
You can tell me.
What happened between us? I'm not really sure.
Maybe maybe it wasn't meant to be.
Wasn't meant to be? We were crazy about each other.
We devoured each other.
I mean, I'm sure she told you the sex was just out of control.
Maybe she's scared of being vulnerable of, uh of having something real.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Yeah, it does.
It's like the second she knows you care about her, watch out, boy.
She'll chew you up.
She's a maneater.
I think I might do "Maneater.
" - Whoo.
Whoo! - No matter where you say it you know that you'll be heard Yeah! All right.
I looked worse than Megan Fox after a bad chemical peel.
But for the first time in forever, I wasn't thinking about what I looked like.
I was only thinking about Henry! - oh, here she comes - Henry.
- Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up - He oh, here she comes she's a maneater Excuse me.
Oh, here she comes watch out, boy, she'll chew you up oh, here she comes she's a maneater - Time's up.
- Eliza.
You look ready for bed.
I don't want to set fire to your living quarters or wiretap your mom's phone.
That's reassuring.
I just I just want to know how you feel about me.
Right.
Right.
Come in.
Have a seat.
Yes, right there.
So, it's hard for me to access my own feeling sometimes, you know, due to a great number of things, including the 1979 remake of "The Champ" starring Ricky Schroder, during which I cried so hard, I threw up.
Who's Ricky Schroder? "Who is ?" Doesn't matter.
The the the point is I have trouble understanding my own feelings sometimes.
But in this case, I believe I understand yours.
I almost convinced myself otherwise, but deep down, I think I know.
- Know what? - Your feelings for me are less about me and more about you and Freddy.
Hmm? Things with him were getting serious, and that scared you.
So so you sabotaged the relationship by throwing yourself at me.
Are you kidding? It took you a full day to come up with that? Wow.
That's really pathetic, Henry.
Eliza, w You know, maybe I should be with Freddy.
At least he knows what he wants.
Plus he happens to own an Adonis belt.
And all your belts are leather.
And for the record, I'm not scared of being in a relationship, Henry.
You are.
I happen to be in a relationship that is healthy and functional and smooth.
That literally sounds like you're describing a bowel movement.
That's strictly coincidental.
Is it? See, I think you're hiding behind your safe, boring, crappy relationship with Julia, hoping no one notices that you're not in love with her.
I notice.
I notice.
You're the one you're the one who's terrified of feeling anything anything you can't control.
You're just a chicken.
You're a big chicken! Eliza! And that is the m monologue from the play I am auditioning for.
So, wish me luck, guys.
Ouch.
Kissing like a bandit stealing time underneath the sycamore tree cupid, by the hour, sends valentines to my sweet lover and me While I was drinking away my feelings - Slowly, but surely - Henry was probably home having missionary make-up sex with You didn't go after her.
You didn't go after Julia.
- She's waiting for me downstairs.
- Liar! She stormed off mad at you, and you didn't go after her because what I said is true.
And you're secretly in love with me.
Blink once if you're secretly in love with me.
Eliza.
Blink once if you have feelings for me, but you're unwilling to admit it.
- You're drunk.
- Blink if you want me! Ha ha! - Now my eyes are extremely dry.
- I knew it.
- I can't stop blinking.
- Hey.
Hey.
I love you, too.
Eliza.
Julia is waiting for me downstairs.
I have to go.
Good night, Eliza.
Next up onstage is Eliza Dooley.
So, where's Eliza? There she is.
Hey, Eliza, get up here! It's your time.
Party girls don't get hurt, can't feel anything when will I learn? I push it down, push it down I'm the one, "for a good time, call" phone's blowing up, they're ringing my doorbell I feel the love, feel the l-o-o-ove 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink throw 'em back till I lose count I'm gonna swing from the chandelier from the chandelier I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist like it doesn't exi-i-i-st I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night feel my tears as they dry I'm gonna swing from the chandelier the chandelier but I'm holding on for dear life won't look down, won't open my eyes keep my glass full until morning light 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight help me, I'm holding on for dear life won't look down, won't open my eyes keep my glass full until morning light oh, I'm just holding on for tonight oh, I'm just holding on for tonight on for tonight on for tonight I don't know why I'm calling you.
You should be calling me.
But the point is you aren't.
I guess that tells me everything I need to know.
And I guess that means Goodbye.
Hmm.
Two lone wolves, you and I.
Looks that way.
I didn't see you up there tonight.
No, sir.
I thought Korean people loved karaoke.
Sir, that is a stereotype.
It happens to be true.
I guess I'm the exception.
Well, that's too bad because it is mandatory.
- Sir, I'm not exactly in the mood for - Mandatory, son.
Now that I've lost everything to you You say you want to start something new And it's breaking my heart you're leaving baby, I'm grieving but if you want to leave, take good care hope you have a lot of nice things to wear but then a lot of nice things turn bad out there Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world