She-Wolf of London (1990) s01e10 Episode Script
What's Got Into Them?
(PANTING) (ENGINE REVVING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (WHIMPERING) (GRUNTS) I'm here! (PANTING) OLD MAN: Stop! Get out of my way! (WOMEN SCREAM) (SCREAMS) (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Donga, come here.
(BARKING) MAN 1: He's got a gun! MAN 2: Get that dog! Get that dog! Come here, come here, come here.
You bastard! Come here, you bloody dog, come here! (BARKING) Come here! I'll have you! IAN: More.
More, more, more.
Come on, Randi, get it together.
Nohochacyum.
Nohochacyum, also known as Nohochacyumchac.
God of creation in the religion of the Yucatan Mayas of Central America.
Give me a hard one.
Oh, come on.
We've been doing this for three hours.
My tongue is in knots.
I have got to be ready for Professor Mason.
All right.
Vechernyaya Zvezda.
Vechernyaya Zvezda.
Zvezda.
Vechernyaya Zvezda.
Zvezda.
Zvezda.
I'm sitting here if you hadn't noticed.
How could we not notice? You've hardly moved your bum for the last 30 years.
But it's okay, we're not going to dust the table for a few more minutes.
We must have everything nice for Professor Mason.
Well, I'm off on my camping trip.
PARROT: Scram! Professor Mason this, Professor Mason that.
You talk about him like he's a member of parliament.
Or a chat-show host.
Off to the great outdoors, huh? Wild untamed country.
Savage land.
Scram.
Dad, John mason is the world's leading authority in my field.
He may be the most brilliant man alive.
And he's single.
Until now, the most famous person we've had at the B&B was the actor that played Dinky the Duck on TV.
And he was married.
Didn't stop you waddling after him everywhere he went.
Until my first class with Professor Mason, I was studying law.
But from the moment he opened his mouth, I knew mythology was my life.
Oh, yes, there's something to thank him for.
Be facing untold dangers.
Who knows? Maybe I won't even come back.
At least, not alive.
Scram! Vechernyaya Zvezda.
In Slavonic mythology, the spirit of the evening star guarded a dog which was tied to the constellation of the Great Bear.
You don't have to cram.
You're not taking Professor Mason's class.
And I'm not teaching it, either.
But I could be.
An associate professor's job has become available in his department at Oxford.
Oxford? You don't think Professor Mason has come all this way just to deliver a lecture, do you? So, if he likes you He will.
Imagine it! Oxford, it's a dream.
I'll be teaching at the best university in the world.
Of course, I'll take you with me.
Come on, we've got to get this together.
Right.
Um Manuchehr.
Manuchehr, Manuchehr.
Manuchehr, son of Fereydun.
Goodbye, lan.
Goodbye, Randi.
Perhaps forever.
Oh, by the way, everybody knows that Manuchehr is Fereydun's father, not his son.
I'd bone up if I were you.
Goodbye, dear.
Have a nice time.
Back to work.
You can't escape! I'll kill you, do you hear me? I'll kill you! Come (GRUNTING) (SCREAMS) (GASPS) Doggie, doggie, doggie! Doggie, doggie! Doggie.
Hmm.
(WHINING) (BELL TOLLING) IAN: I knew we should have been more prepared, Randi.
Would you relax? You have nothing to worry about.
Are you so sure? Professor Mason challenged me every day of the six years I studied with him.
If I wasn't up to the challenge Sounds like a fun guy.
He made my life hell.
But he taught me everything I know about mythology.
Mmm-hmm.
Until I was bitten by a werewolf, and then I taught you everything that he taught you is wrong.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) I wouldn't mention that part to Professor Mason.
IAN: Professor Mason.
Hello there.
Hi, I'm Randi Wallace, and you must be Vainamoinen.
Vainamoinen.
Vainamoinen.
Vainamoinen.
Vainamoinen, chief hero of the Finno-Ugric rune cycle called the Kalevala, who detailed the epic struggle between the Pohja and Glad to see you haven't lost your touch, lan.
Thanks, sir.
I owe it all to you.
Glad to see you've found some more worldly pursuits.
It's not what you think.
She's my student.
Oh, I see.
I mean, she's just my student.
Nothing more.
Not even a very good student.
In here all the time for tutoring.
God knows how she'll ever pass.
(CLEARS THROAT) Don't you worry about your grades, my dear.
What you have is far more appealing than anything in the Finno-Ugric rune cycles.
Thank you, Professor.
So, what brings you to town? I told you the professor's here to deliver this year's Douglas Frazier Memorial lecture on mythology.
Which is a fancy way of saying I get a free trip to London in exchange for regurgitating one of my stock speeches.
This one is called "The Mythology of the Real.
" Ah, yes.
" The light of the modern world "illuminates those places in which vampires and werewolves seem possible.
" I read your book.
Ah-ha.
Seems like an A student to me.
Crib notes.
But don't you think that there's truth to some of those myths? I mean, how can you possibly say that IAN: The professor is tired from his long trip, Randi.
He doesn't want a harangue on your pet topic.
Professor, let me take you back to the B&B.
Only if Ms.
Wallace accompanies us.
I'd be delighted, Professor.
And you can call me Randi.
John.
(CHUCKLING) (MOUTHING) The werewolf is simply a metaphor (MOUTHING) For the darker side of human nature.
That's all.
(IMITATING RANDl) " I've read your book, Professor.
You can call me Randi.
" And lan.
Yes, sir? Parikshit.
Parikshit.
Right.
I know it well.
(LAUGHS) (TIRES SCREECHING) (CANS CRASHING) (MEN SHOUTING) (BARKING) (DOG BARKING) Mmm? Mmm.
Oh.
(GASPS) Have you seen my (EXCLAIMS) Have you seen my red shawl? I think you dropped a stitch there.
You scared me.
I'd asked you whether you'd seen it, not whether you'd stolen it.
Well have you? It's a little quaint, but I hope you'll like it.
Think of it as the Matheson Oasis Paradise Resort.
I'm sure I shall feel right at home.
You can make it your home for as long as you like, as far as I'm concerned.
Aunt Elsa.
(LAUGHS) She's such a kidder.
MRS.
MATHESON: Make my day, studly.
IAN: This isn't happening.
Mum? Tell me we're married.
Wow! When your family lays out the welcome mat, they really lay it out.
Sisters.
They just love to jest.
Mum! He's not my husband? Of course not.
I can't win.
Step right this way.
IAN: Please excuse my mother.
She's been so looking forward to your visit.
It's just four steps down.
Right.
Professor Mason, this is my father.
(SNORING) Strong, stable, rational.
Right, Dad? What's wrong with being a lawyer? I beg your pardon.
Do you know how much more a lawyer makes than a mythology professor? Yes, fascinating.
We'll discuss it later.
Much later.
If you're not my husband who is? Well, I assume Oh, my lord.
I should have stayed in the dog.
He only had fleas.
I say, have I introduced you to our parrot? Very down-to-earth.
What a delightful family.
(SQUAWKING) I can see I'm going to have a marvelous time here.
(LATINO DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, it's been 100 years since I had a kiss like that.
At least.
Please, we're trying to have a discussion.
According to the Mahabharata Who's next? For seconds.
Anyone for seconds? No, I'm full.
No kidding, you've drunk the entire drinks cabinet.
It was on one such hunting expedition that Parikshit offended a hermit who was observing a sacred vow of silence.
(GASPS) Are you complaining? No.
I didn't think so.
Why don't you go upstairs and get ready? Oh! MRS.
MATHESON: We got a long night.
So he was cursed by Takshaka, the snake king.
I suddenly feel very tired.
(FAKING A YAWN) I think I'll go to bed.
That's the way to treat a man.
Pity she didn't learn how to do it 30 years ago.
You take all of this spook stuff pretty seriously, don't you? Who sent him some strange fruit which hid horrible insects which had terrible glittering eyes.
Did I say Parikshit? IAN: Yes.
I meant Parjanya.
Parjanya.
Oh, yes, Parjanya.
What the hell is Parjanya? Parjanya, Parjanya You know, dear lady, studying mythology is like studying literature.
MASON: It's all fiction.
The difference is mythology is a lot more fun.
Fun? What's such damn fun about it? (LAUGHS) I'm tired.
Are you tired? I think we're all tired.
Bedtime.
What if you were a ghost? What if you were pursued by an evil spirit that wanted to kill your soul? And what if there was no way to escape? Would it be such damn fun then? Goodbye Oxford.
Oh, I get it now.
You do? Good man.
I am? You caught me unaware, and had your mother confront me with my own mythological puzzle.
What a wonderful way to hoist me by my own petard.
Yes.
What a delightful way.
Very clever, lan.
Do you know the answer? A way for the ghost to escape? I will, lovely lady, I will.
But I can't let my student best me after all these years.
But now I must get some sleep before I unravel this mystery tomorrow.
I'll walk you to your room.
Thank you, dear lady.
Thank you all for a most entertaining evening.
Mmm.
What's got into you? A little spirit.
And about time, too.
You wanted to visit your cousin Gertrude in Wembley for some time.
Well, you can jolly well go.
The two of you, tomorrow.
My treat.
Before you cost me my future.
Nice butt on that boy.
Mmm? (SNORING) (DOOR CREAKS OPEN) Lan! (GASPS) Lan, wake up! Wake up, I've got to talk to you.
(PANTS) I think you've said enough for one night.
Shouldn't you be catching a train? I'm not your mother.
That is no big secret.
It isn't? It was obvious to everyone that you were not yourself tonight.
Damn right.
I'm a ghost.
I'm Sarah Bloom.
And I'm Sean Connery.
And Randi Wallace is a werewolf! Yes, that pretty young thing is a bloodthirsty raging beast.
Would your sweet little mother know that? Would she? Would she? IAN: Let my mother go.
I'd love to.
Believe me, honey.
Do you think I'd look like this if I had a choice? Go ahead.
You won't hurt me.
But your mum might wonder where she got the shiner.
RANDl: What do you want from us? Just a place to hide from my loving husband for a while.
Your husband? Ivan's only purpose in life and death is to make me suffer.
Having met you, I can't imagine why.
No form of torture, physical or spiritual, can be too vile for him.
And then one night, he hit me a little too hard.
He killed you? As I lay dying, my last thought was at least Ivan can't hurt me now.
How little I knew.
You're dead.
How much worse can things get? As my spirit left my body, I saw a portal open to a beautiful blue, glowing place.
But before I could get through it, Ivan stood in my way.
He'd killed himself to make sure I couldn't go to the next world.
RANDl: How cruel.
Well, it is.
I managed to escape from Ivan.
But by the time I got back, my portal had closed.
So find another portal.
Sorry, only one per customer.
So you have to wander this Earth like a fugitive forever? Sometimes it feels like it.
My portal reopens once every 100 years on the anniversary of my death.
Ivan would do anything to make sure I don't go through.
I'll do anything to make sure that I do.
Including hijacking my mother.
You coming to bed? I'll do worse than that if I have to.
IAN: Mum, no! MR.
MATHESON: Good God, woman.
Don't do anything drastic.
If you don't want to come, just say the word.
(CHUCKLING) Relax, sailor.
I wouldn't miss it.
Then how do you explain the last 15 years? Do you think my father is safe? (MR.
AND MRS.
MATHESON GIGGLING) Absolutely not.
But it will keep her occupied while we find answers.
(DOOR CLOSES) (BELL TOLLING) Exorcisms.
Forcing a spirit out of cattle.
Removing a hex from a haunted tree.
What to do when your daughter's head starts spinning.
(SIGHING) Useless.
Imagine how that poor woman must be feeling.
It's all I can imagine.
But don't worry, we'll free Mum soon enough.
I'm talking about Sarah.
Oh, yes.
It must be terrible for her to have to drink all that liquor and make a spectacle out of my mother.
Imagine someone hating you so much that he's willing to die to make sure you suffer.
I'm sure she deserved it.
If she's telling us the truth at all.
She sounded so sincere.
Of course she did.
She's using my mother's voice.
Look, we have no idea what this specter really wants from us.
And we're not going to let her hang around long enough to find out.
Do you ever get tired of being such a pessimist? A pessimist? Because I don't embrace every marauding spook who decides to possess my family? It's not just Sarah.
I'm talking about Professor Mason, too.
Professor Mason? Yeah.
I mean, you made him sound like he was some kind of monster when, actually, I thought he was kind of nice.
The lecture! It was today? Don't panic.
I'm sure we can still make it.
The lecture doesn't start until Four hours ago.
Professor Mason, a funny thing happened on the way to your lecture.
You're not going to believe why we missed it.
Mum? Mum? (MRS.
MATHESON LAUGHING) IAN: Mum? Hi, Sonny.
It's not what it looks like.
But it could have been if you hadn't shown up for few more minutes.
How could you? The old geezer pooped out on me.
He's upstairs napping.
And I got itchy.
Yes.
For conversation.
That's all.
MASON: We were just trying to solve that little mythological puzzle you set us last night.
Yeah, that's all.
And a couple of other things.
(BOTH LAUGHING) This woman is an absolute demon when it comes to talking about the supernatural.
I was so captivated, I'm afraid I missed my own lecture.
I'll bet.
She has a fascinating perspective on the question of spiritual possession.
She didn't show you how to remove such a spirit, did she? Oh, my dear boy, everybody knows that in possession mythology, the only way to kill the ghost is to kill the host.
Kill the host? Yes.
In the Middle Ages, people who were thought to be possessed were burned at the stake.
Ouch.
They never survived, of course, but their souls were freed.
That could hurt.
MASON: Yes, but lan knows that that's not the answer to his little riddle.
That would be far too easy.
You wouldn't want to do that to your dear old mum.
Would you, darling? Don't tempt me.
I feel awful about this, Professor.
I know.
What I did was Inexcusable.
IAN: You? I have never felt so ashamed in my life.
I have embarrassed you and compromised our friendship.
If there's anything I can do to make up for it.
Anything in the world.
Well, there's nothing.
Except for maybe that job opening in your department? It was his before I got here.
It was going to be a surprise.
I shall put the paperwork through the moment I get back.
Assuming, of course, that you still want the job.
But now I do hope we may consider this little affair forgotten.
Randi, I am shocked.
I am appalled.
I'm teaching at Oxford! Mind you! I'm not going to let you roam the halls and say you stumped me.
I'm going to unravel your little problem tonight if it's the last thing I do.
Congratulations! Imagine.
Oxford.
(GIGGLING UPSTAIRS) First, research.
(LAUGHING) (HUMMING) (HUMMING) Ah-ha! I'm on to you, my boy.
Oh (HUMMING) (SNORTS) Anyone want a Manhattan? No.
And you don't, either.
My mum is not a lush.
But I am.
Listen, we've learned a few things here.
Oh, goodie.
There was a cult, popular in Ruritania, that believed anyone could remain on Earth forever, even after death, as long as they occupied one body after another.
But obviously you knew that.
Obviously.
(SQUAWKING) Scram! My sentiments exactly.
Actually, I found out by accident.
Accident? When I died and Ivan blocked off my portal to the next world, he came after me.
Well, I had to hide somewhere.
And there was this cat on the window ledge and suddenly I was the cat.
(CHUCKLES) And he thought he could beat the master.
(MR.
MATHESON HUMMING) Oh! Oi! (SCREAMING) (CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO) Now, I've got it.
What is it? It's Ivan.
He's here.
(GROWLS) Angel pie! I don't like the way you've been talking to my wife.
So sorry, my good man.
It won't happen again.
MR.
MATHESON: So sorry, my good man.
(MASON SCREAMING) MR.
MATHESON: It won't happen again.
(MR.
MATHESON LAUGHING) Professor MR.
MATHESON: Where is she? Dad? Not anymore.
Ivan.
If you've hurt Professor Mason I didn't hurt him.
I killed him.
And I'll kill you if you get in my way.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Damn! She's gone! Clean up the mess upstairs before it stinks up the rest of this house.
Get me a beer, love.
I wouldn't.
I'm your loving daddy, remember? I don't know where Sarah's gone.
But she'll be back.
And this time I'll kill her for good! And the rest of you in this house, if you displease me.
Do you like your beer warm or chilled? (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (SQUAWKING) IAN: Careful of his head.
RANDl: Okay, okay.
Keep going.
IAN: His mind enriched a generation.
His soul ennobled a nation.
RANDl: But his body weighs a ton.
IAN: Haven't you just a little bit of respect for Professor Mason? I have more than respect, I happened to have loved this man.
This is not Professor Mason.
This is just flesh and bone.
Got him? It's a crime to treat his body this way.
Not as big Oh, dear.
Get up.
Not as big a crime as killing him in the first place.
But RANDl: Feet, feet, feet, feet.
IAN: Yes.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Who would get the blame for that if we called the police? Surely we could explain.
What? That it wasn't your father who killed him, but it was, but it wasn't, because he was possessed by a ghost at the time? Good point.
Good night, sweet prince.
Wait a minute.
We can't leave his body down here forever.
Of course not.
Okay, when this is all over, we'll make more permanent arrangements.
IAN: A proper Christian burial.
A service in Winchester Cathedral.
A chance for the scholars of the world to pay their respects to a great man.
Yeah, right.
(PANTS) Either that or dump it in the Thames.
This is Professor Mason you're talking about.
I feel bad about this too, okay? What do you suggest we do with his body? Let's worry about my father's body first.
Let me see.
For a start, we could figure out what Ivan is doing here in the first place.
He's looking for Sarah.
Yes, and what is she doing here? She never did say, did she? No.
Oh, great.
(BOTH GRUNT) Adiós.
Maybe Maybe she read our ad in the newspaper.
Ghosts don't read newspapers.
Ghost don't read newspapers, they write them.
Randi, ghosts neither read nor write newspapers.
RANDl: What about ghost writers? RANDl: Oh, no! (MRS.
MATHESON EXCLAIMING) (MRS.
MATHESON WHOOPING) Mum, are you back to (MR.
AND MRS.
MATHESON GIGGLING) Mum, are you all right? Stop it, the children are here.
She's fine.
Aren't you, pet? I had a wonderful night's sleep.
I've never felt better.
You will.
What's gotten into you? Your father's turned into a monster.
More than she knows.
How are you feeling? Have you any ill effects? What do you remember? Everything.
Not that it's any of your business.
I think I'll survive.
We'll see.
We better be going back to the university.
There's a lot of work to do, you know.
You don't mind, do you? MR.
MATHESON: Of course not.
Your mum's safe with me.
(LAUGHING) You're not running away and leaving me alone with them? They'll be keeping to themselves, I'm sure.
He's a bear without his morning tea, isn't he? (BELL TOLLING) RANDl: What are we looking for? There's something in our house these ghosts want.
Warm beer and nookie? Whatever it is, we're going to find it.
In old newspapers? We've been looking in the wrong places, while the truth was right here all along.
The truth? As it happened, Sarah Bloom's obituary.
It says she was 34 and unmarried.
She lied to us.
Keep reading.
It says she died of tuberculosis in a house decorated by the royal portraits of the family of Ruritania.
And they were all killed by revolutionaries.
Lan, she lived in your house.
Now, that explains a lot.
Her portal must be in the B&B.
And she's waiting for it to open again.
But if she wasn't married, who's Ivan? And why is he chasing her? Read the third column.
How odd.
"An unidentified Ruritanian man threw himself in front of "a speeding carriage today, "crying, 'Death to dictators,' "and was trampled to death by the horses.
" Check the address.
Right in front of our house.
BOTH: 100 years ago, today.
(LOUD PIANO MUSIC) IAN: Can you use the soft pedal please, Dad? MR.
MATHESON: There isn't one.
(SQUAWKING) IAN: Dad.
MR.
MATHESON: I'm not your dad, sonny.
We have to find Sarah.
She'll be here.
She has to be.
We just have to find her before your dad does.
What are you two whispering about? How excited we are about you cooking dinner for us.
I want my grub, woman! Tea now, dinner later.
Dinner now! I've worked up an appetite.
MRS.
MATHESON: Me, too.
Mum, are you all right? I don't think I can take much more of this.
(SHOUTS) I want a real drink.
And get me my meat.
Brute.
Be nice.
And maybe I'll show you how much of a brute I am.
She'd like that, wouldn't she? Dad, you've gone too far.
That's my sister you're talking about.
Looks like your brother to me.
(LAUGHING) (PARROT SQUAWKS) Shut up! PARROT: Randi.
Oh, isn't that special? After all these months, that bird's finally learned your name.
The bird learned my name.
PARROT: Randi, help.
You call that a meal? I call that tuna noodle delight.
(MOUTHING) MR.
MATHESON: Tuna noodle delight? I call it garbage.
He must have heard about Aunt Elsa's cooking.
I want meat.
(SQUAWKING) Looks like a plateful to me.
(SQUAWKING) Can you say fricassee? Randi, help.
Can you? Sarah! Help! Dad, that bird's a member of this family.
I love it.
Wait till you taste it.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Here's a hint, Sarah Bloom.
If you want to find a hiding place, make sure it doesn't have bars.
I'll get you.
Dad, no.
Lan.
There's a cockroach running out of the room.
IAN: What do you mean, cockroach? That's Sarah.
That is a disgusting cockroach.
And if I didn't live here, I'd move lodgings immediately.
Don't you see? She was in the bird, now she's in the bug.
Now she's me.
This is no time for games, Randi.
Buffoon.
What? Will this convince you? The portal to the next world.
My portal.
I died in this house Soon, this portal will close forever.
This time, I'm going through it.
Not with Ivan still inside my father.
Think, Professor.
If he kills me, he'll kill Randi, too.
What did you ever do to him? I didn't do anything.
My real name is Svetlana Renkov.
The youngest daughter of the Ruritanian dictator.
But you're dead.
I mean, you were executed along with your family.
I was only four years old at the time.
Our servants helped me to escape.
Why should I be punished for crimes I didn't even commit? Crimes I couldn't understand? And yet, I was hunted my whole life.
By Ivan? After 50 years, he finally found me.
But it was too late.
I beat him.
I died before he could kill me.
So he took his own life to stop you entering the next world.
Cruel bastard.
But why didn't you tell us this in the first place? I know who my father was.
I know what he did to inspire such hatred.
If Hitler's daughter came to you, would you help her? (DOOR OPENS) Not if he's smart.
Because this time, sweetie, you aren't getting away.
Even if it means I have to kill every living thing in this house.
Don't you think you're being just a bit unreasonable? Her family stole our lands.
I'd suffer for all eternity before I let her have eternal peace.
MR.
MATHESON: They made our sons into slaves and our daughters into whores.
We starved and died so they could feast.
Perhaps an apology is in order.
Would that do it for you? Go ahead.
Apologize.
See? She's sorry.
I was only four years old.
I'm innocent.
The sins of the father are visited on the children! And your father committed so many sins.
MR.
MATHESON: Go ahead, cower.
But I'll hack right through him, and I will kill you.
Don't Aunt Elsa, stop it.
You'll kill him.
Good work.
Damn fool didn't drink the drugged tea.
You drugged his tea? Why? To knock 'em out, of course.
We don't want Ivan jumping into lan or Mum.
Don't stand there looking pretty, girl, go through your portal.
RANDl: What about Ivan? There's no one left for him to jump into.
There's you.
Already taken, I'm afraid, my dear young lady.
Professor Mason, I assume? You always were a bright student.
Is he IAN: Oh, yes.
Ivan won't be troubling you anymore.
Thank you both for everything.
Send us a postcard.
Now, hurry.
You haven't got much time.
Come with me, John.
I appreciate the invitation, my dear young lady.
But I prefer to remain here.
See you in 100 years.
It's a date.
ELSA: I never knew that mythology could be so exciting.
Good thing I solved your little riddle before Ivan killed me.
What are you going to do now? Are you kidding? This is my chance to find out all about real mythology.
This will be the most wonderful 100 years of my life.
Afterlife.
My dear lan, you finally bested me.
There's no way I can top this.
But when I come back in the next century, there'll be a few new riddles for you.
I look forward to it.
And that reminds me.
Ditch my body.
I don't want that down there to greet me when I come back.
I'm home.
So, did I miss anything when I was gone? Julian, dear boy, don't go near your grandfather.
He has the most appalling cold.
Drink your tea or your throat will never get better.
I've had 27 cups already.
I'm going to burst.
Do as I tell you.
I want you healthy again, so we can pick up where we left off.
(MUMBLING) I did miss something.
Nothing big.
If you say so.
(MUMBLING) I suppose I'd better be going now.
I'm sorry about everything, Professor.
Oh, don't be.
You've managed to teach me something.
There's a big wonderful world out there which I never knew existed.
And I can't wait to explore it.
My dear young lady, if I can find anything to help you, I'll be back.
Thank you, Professor.
(CAT MEOWS) Wait a minute.
What about my job at Oxford? (SIGHS) My dad was right.
I should never have switched majors.
IAN: High up in the Urals and on the plains of Hungary, they believed that the horse was the earthly representation of the long lost tribe.
Am I boring you, Mr.
Salsbury? I thought your lecture was quite interesting.
Really? Well, you can return the favor by giving us a little lecture of your own.
Parikshit.
Parikshit? Parikshit, Parikshit.
Parikshit.
Right.
As none of you seem to be up on your studies of the Mahabharata, you can all go to the library and bone up on it before tomorrow's study session.
"10-to-1, Webber's Way.
" You are cruel, aren't you? I'm just trying to keep the spirit of Professor Mason alive.
His spirit is alive.
You know, he used to think I was scared of him.
The truth is I used to pretend I was, just because I knew it pleased him.
I was such a good student.
His spirit is alive, my dear boy.
Professor? Laryntooga.
Laryntooga, Laryntooga Laryntooga.
Laryntooga, Laryntooga I'll get my notes now.
Fooled him again.
(BARKING) MAN 1: He's got a gun! MAN 2: Get that dog! Get that dog! Come here, come here, come here.
You bastard! Come here, you bloody dog, come here! (BARKING) Come here! I'll have you! IAN: More.
More, more, more.
Come on, Randi, get it together.
Nohochacyum.
Nohochacyum, also known as Nohochacyumchac.
God of creation in the religion of the Yucatan Mayas of Central America.
Give me a hard one.
Oh, come on.
We've been doing this for three hours.
My tongue is in knots.
I have got to be ready for Professor Mason.
All right.
Vechernyaya Zvezda.
Vechernyaya Zvezda.
Zvezda.
Vechernyaya Zvezda.
Zvezda.
Zvezda.
I'm sitting here if you hadn't noticed.
How could we not notice? You've hardly moved your bum for the last 30 years.
But it's okay, we're not going to dust the table for a few more minutes.
We must have everything nice for Professor Mason.
Well, I'm off on my camping trip.
PARROT: Scram! Professor Mason this, Professor Mason that.
You talk about him like he's a member of parliament.
Or a chat-show host.
Off to the great outdoors, huh? Wild untamed country.
Savage land.
Scram.
Dad, John mason is the world's leading authority in my field.
He may be the most brilliant man alive.
And he's single.
Until now, the most famous person we've had at the B&B was the actor that played Dinky the Duck on TV.
And he was married.
Didn't stop you waddling after him everywhere he went.
Until my first class with Professor Mason, I was studying law.
But from the moment he opened his mouth, I knew mythology was my life.
Oh, yes, there's something to thank him for.
Be facing untold dangers.
Who knows? Maybe I won't even come back.
At least, not alive.
Scram! Vechernyaya Zvezda.
In Slavonic mythology, the spirit of the evening star guarded a dog which was tied to the constellation of the Great Bear.
You don't have to cram.
You're not taking Professor Mason's class.
And I'm not teaching it, either.
But I could be.
An associate professor's job has become available in his department at Oxford.
Oxford? You don't think Professor Mason has come all this way just to deliver a lecture, do you? So, if he likes you He will.
Imagine it! Oxford, it's a dream.
I'll be teaching at the best university in the world.
Of course, I'll take you with me.
Come on, we've got to get this together.
Right.
Um Manuchehr.
Manuchehr, Manuchehr.
Manuchehr, son of Fereydun.
Goodbye, lan.
Goodbye, Randi.
Perhaps forever.
Oh, by the way, everybody knows that Manuchehr is Fereydun's father, not his son.
I'd bone up if I were you.
Goodbye, dear.
Have a nice time.
Back to work.
You can't escape! I'll kill you, do you hear me? I'll kill you! Come (GRUNTING) (SCREAMS) (GASPS) Doggie, doggie, doggie! Doggie, doggie! Doggie.
Hmm.
(WHINING) (BELL TOLLING) IAN: I knew we should have been more prepared, Randi.
Would you relax? You have nothing to worry about.
Are you so sure? Professor Mason challenged me every day of the six years I studied with him.
If I wasn't up to the challenge Sounds like a fun guy.
He made my life hell.
But he taught me everything I know about mythology.
Mmm-hmm.
Until I was bitten by a werewolf, and then I taught you everything that he taught you is wrong.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) I wouldn't mention that part to Professor Mason.
IAN: Professor Mason.
Hello there.
Hi, I'm Randi Wallace, and you must be Vainamoinen.
Vainamoinen.
Vainamoinen.
Vainamoinen.
Vainamoinen, chief hero of the Finno-Ugric rune cycle called the Kalevala, who detailed the epic struggle between the Pohja and Glad to see you haven't lost your touch, lan.
Thanks, sir.
I owe it all to you.
Glad to see you've found some more worldly pursuits.
It's not what you think.
She's my student.
Oh, I see.
I mean, she's just my student.
Nothing more.
Not even a very good student.
In here all the time for tutoring.
God knows how she'll ever pass.
(CLEARS THROAT) Don't you worry about your grades, my dear.
What you have is far more appealing than anything in the Finno-Ugric rune cycles.
Thank you, Professor.
So, what brings you to town? I told you the professor's here to deliver this year's Douglas Frazier Memorial lecture on mythology.
Which is a fancy way of saying I get a free trip to London in exchange for regurgitating one of my stock speeches.
This one is called "The Mythology of the Real.
" Ah, yes.
" The light of the modern world "illuminates those places in which vampires and werewolves seem possible.
" I read your book.
Ah-ha.
Seems like an A student to me.
Crib notes.
But don't you think that there's truth to some of those myths? I mean, how can you possibly say that IAN: The professor is tired from his long trip, Randi.
He doesn't want a harangue on your pet topic.
Professor, let me take you back to the B&B.
Only if Ms.
Wallace accompanies us.
I'd be delighted, Professor.
And you can call me Randi.
John.
(CHUCKLING) (MOUTHING) The werewolf is simply a metaphor (MOUTHING) For the darker side of human nature.
That's all.
(IMITATING RANDl) " I've read your book, Professor.
You can call me Randi.
" And lan.
Yes, sir? Parikshit.
Parikshit.
Right.
I know it well.
(LAUGHS) (TIRES SCREECHING) (CANS CRASHING) (MEN SHOUTING) (BARKING) (DOG BARKING) Mmm? Mmm.
Oh.
(GASPS) Have you seen my (EXCLAIMS) Have you seen my red shawl? I think you dropped a stitch there.
You scared me.
I'd asked you whether you'd seen it, not whether you'd stolen it.
Well have you? It's a little quaint, but I hope you'll like it.
Think of it as the Matheson Oasis Paradise Resort.
I'm sure I shall feel right at home.
You can make it your home for as long as you like, as far as I'm concerned.
Aunt Elsa.
(LAUGHS) She's such a kidder.
MRS.
MATHESON: Make my day, studly.
IAN: This isn't happening.
Mum? Tell me we're married.
Wow! When your family lays out the welcome mat, they really lay it out.
Sisters.
They just love to jest.
Mum! He's not my husband? Of course not.
I can't win.
Step right this way.
IAN: Please excuse my mother.
She's been so looking forward to your visit.
It's just four steps down.
Right.
Professor Mason, this is my father.
(SNORING) Strong, stable, rational.
Right, Dad? What's wrong with being a lawyer? I beg your pardon.
Do you know how much more a lawyer makes than a mythology professor? Yes, fascinating.
We'll discuss it later.
Much later.
If you're not my husband who is? Well, I assume Oh, my lord.
I should have stayed in the dog.
He only had fleas.
I say, have I introduced you to our parrot? Very down-to-earth.
What a delightful family.
(SQUAWKING) I can see I'm going to have a marvelous time here.
(LATINO DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, it's been 100 years since I had a kiss like that.
At least.
Please, we're trying to have a discussion.
According to the Mahabharata Who's next? For seconds.
Anyone for seconds? No, I'm full.
No kidding, you've drunk the entire drinks cabinet.
It was on one such hunting expedition that Parikshit offended a hermit who was observing a sacred vow of silence.
(GASPS) Are you complaining? No.
I didn't think so.
Why don't you go upstairs and get ready? Oh! MRS.
MATHESON: We got a long night.
So he was cursed by Takshaka, the snake king.
I suddenly feel very tired.
(FAKING A YAWN) I think I'll go to bed.
That's the way to treat a man.
Pity she didn't learn how to do it 30 years ago.
You take all of this spook stuff pretty seriously, don't you? Who sent him some strange fruit which hid horrible insects which had terrible glittering eyes.
Did I say Parikshit? IAN: Yes.
I meant Parjanya.
Parjanya.
Oh, yes, Parjanya.
What the hell is Parjanya? Parjanya, Parjanya You know, dear lady, studying mythology is like studying literature.
MASON: It's all fiction.
The difference is mythology is a lot more fun.
Fun? What's such damn fun about it? (LAUGHS) I'm tired.
Are you tired? I think we're all tired.
Bedtime.
What if you were a ghost? What if you were pursued by an evil spirit that wanted to kill your soul? And what if there was no way to escape? Would it be such damn fun then? Goodbye Oxford.
Oh, I get it now.
You do? Good man.
I am? You caught me unaware, and had your mother confront me with my own mythological puzzle.
What a wonderful way to hoist me by my own petard.
Yes.
What a delightful way.
Very clever, lan.
Do you know the answer? A way for the ghost to escape? I will, lovely lady, I will.
But I can't let my student best me after all these years.
But now I must get some sleep before I unravel this mystery tomorrow.
I'll walk you to your room.
Thank you, dear lady.
Thank you all for a most entertaining evening.
Mmm.
What's got into you? A little spirit.
And about time, too.
You wanted to visit your cousin Gertrude in Wembley for some time.
Well, you can jolly well go.
The two of you, tomorrow.
My treat.
Before you cost me my future.
Nice butt on that boy.
Mmm? (SNORING) (DOOR CREAKS OPEN) Lan! (GASPS) Lan, wake up! Wake up, I've got to talk to you.
(PANTS) I think you've said enough for one night.
Shouldn't you be catching a train? I'm not your mother.
That is no big secret.
It isn't? It was obvious to everyone that you were not yourself tonight.
Damn right.
I'm a ghost.
I'm Sarah Bloom.
And I'm Sean Connery.
And Randi Wallace is a werewolf! Yes, that pretty young thing is a bloodthirsty raging beast.
Would your sweet little mother know that? Would she? Would she? IAN: Let my mother go.
I'd love to.
Believe me, honey.
Do you think I'd look like this if I had a choice? Go ahead.
You won't hurt me.
But your mum might wonder where she got the shiner.
RANDl: What do you want from us? Just a place to hide from my loving husband for a while.
Your husband? Ivan's only purpose in life and death is to make me suffer.
Having met you, I can't imagine why.
No form of torture, physical or spiritual, can be too vile for him.
And then one night, he hit me a little too hard.
He killed you? As I lay dying, my last thought was at least Ivan can't hurt me now.
How little I knew.
You're dead.
How much worse can things get? As my spirit left my body, I saw a portal open to a beautiful blue, glowing place.
But before I could get through it, Ivan stood in my way.
He'd killed himself to make sure I couldn't go to the next world.
RANDl: How cruel.
Well, it is.
I managed to escape from Ivan.
But by the time I got back, my portal had closed.
So find another portal.
Sorry, only one per customer.
So you have to wander this Earth like a fugitive forever? Sometimes it feels like it.
My portal reopens once every 100 years on the anniversary of my death.
Ivan would do anything to make sure I don't go through.
I'll do anything to make sure that I do.
Including hijacking my mother.
You coming to bed? I'll do worse than that if I have to.
IAN: Mum, no! MR.
MATHESON: Good God, woman.
Don't do anything drastic.
If you don't want to come, just say the word.
(CHUCKLING) Relax, sailor.
I wouldn't miss it.
Then how do you explain the last 15 years? Do you think my father is safe? (MR.
AND MRS.
MATHESON GIGGLING) Absolutely not.
But it will keep her occupied while we find answers.
(DOOR CLOSES) (BELL TOLLING) Exorcisms.
Forcing a spirit out of cattle.
Removing a hex from a haunted tree.
What to do when your daughter's head starts spinning.
(SIGHING) Useless.
Imagine how that poor woman must be feeling.
It's all I can imagine.
But don't worry, we'll free Mum soon enough.
I'm talking about Sarah.
Oh, yes.
It must be terrible for her to have to drink all that liquor and make a spectacle out of my mother.
Imagine someone hating you so much that he's willing to die to make sure you suffer.
I'm sure she deserved it.
If she's telling us the truth at all.
She sounded so sincere.
Of course she did.
She's using my mother's voice.
Look, we have no idea what this specter really wants from us.
And we're not going to let her hang around long enough to find out.
Do you ever get tired of being such a pessimist? A pessimist? Because I don't embrace every marauding spook who decides to possess my family? It's not just Sarah.
I'm talking about Professor Mason, too.
Professor Mason? Yeah.
I mean, you made him sound like he was some kind of monster when, actually, I thought he was kind of nice.
The lecture! It was today? Don't panic.
I'm sure we can still make it.
The lecture doesn't start until Four hours ago.
Professor Mason, a funny thing happened on the way to your lecture.
You're not going to believe why we missed it.
Mum? Mum? (MRS.
MATHESON LAUGHING) IAN: Mum? Hi, Sonny.
It's not what it looks like.
But it could have been if you hadn't shown up for few more minutes.
How could you? The old geezer pooped out on me.
He's upstairs napping.
And I got itchy.
Yes.
For conversation.
That's all.
MASON: We were just trying to solve that little mythological puzzle you set us last night.
Yeah, that's all.
And a couple of other things.
(BOTH LAUGHING) This woman is an absolute demon when it comes to talking about the supernatural.
I was so captivated, I'm afraid I missed my own lecture.
I'll bet.
She has a fascinating perspective on the question of spiritual possession.
She didn't show you how to remove such a spirit, did she? Oh, my dear boy, everybody knows that in possession mythology, the only way to kill the ghost is to kill the host.
Kill the host? Yes.
In the Middle Ages, people who were thought to be possessed were burned at the stake.
Ouch.
They never survived, of course, but their souls were freed.
That could hurt.
MASON: Yes, but lan knows that that's not the answer to his little riddle.
That would be far too easy.
You wouldn't want to do that to your dear old mum.
Would you, darling? Don't tempt me.
I feel awful about this, Professor.
I know.
What I did was Inexcusable.
IAN: You? I have never felt so ashamed in my life.
I have embarrassed you and compromised our friendship.
If there's anything I can do to make up for it.
Anything in the world.
Well, there's nothing.
Except for maybe that job opening in your department? It was his before I got here.
It was going to be a surprise.
I shall put the paperwork through the moment I get back.
Assuming, of course, that you still want the job.
But now I do hope we may consider this little affair forgotten.
Randi, I am shocked.
I am appalled.
I'm teaching at Oxford! Mind you! I'm not going to let you roam the halls and say you stumped me.
I'm going to unravel your little problem tonight if it's the last thing I do.
Congratulations! Imagine.
Oxford.
(GIGGLING UPSTAIRS) First, research.
(LAUGHING) (HUMMING) (HUMMING) Ah-ha! I'm on to you, my boy.
Oh (HUMMING) (SNORTS) Anyone want a Manhattan? No.
And you don't, either.
My mum is not a lush.
But I am.
Listen, we've learned a few things here.
Oh, goodie.
There was a cult, popular in Ruritania, that believed anyone could remain on Earth forever, even after death, as long as they occupied one body after another.
But obviously you knew that.
Obviously.
(SQUAWKING) Scram! My sentiments exactly.
Actually, I found out by accident.
Accident? When I died and Ivan blocked off my portal to the next world, he came after me.
Well, I had to hide somewhere.
And there was this cat on the window ledge and suddenly I was the cat.
(CHUCKLES) And he thought he could beat the master.
(MR.
MATHESON HUMMING) Oh! Oi! (SCREAMING) (CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO) Now, I've got it.
What is it? It's Ivan.
He's here.
(GROWLS) Angel pie! I don't like the way you've been talking to my wife.
So sorry, my good man.
It won't happen again.
MR.
MATHESON: So sorry, my good man.
(MASON SCREAMING) MR.
MATHESON: It won't happen again.
(MR.
MATHESON LAUGHING) Professor MR.
MATHESON: Where is she? Dad? Not anymore.
Ivan.
If you've hurt Professor Mason I didn't hurt him.
I killed him.
And I'll kill you if you get in my way.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
Damn! She's gone! Clean up the mess upstairs before it stinks up the rest of this house.
Get me a beer, love.
I wouldn't.
I'm your loving daddy, remember? I don't know where Sarah's gone.
But she'll be back.
And this time I'll kill her for good! And the rest of you in this house, if you displease me.
Do you like your beer warm or chilled? (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) (SQUAWKING) IAN: Careful of his head.
RANDl: Okay, okay.
Keep going.
IAN: His mind enriched a generation.
His soul ennobled a nation.
RANDl: But his body weighs a ton.
IAN: Haven't you just a little bit of respect for Professor Mason? I have more than respect, I happened to have loved this man.
This is not Professor Mason.
This is just flesh and bone.
Got him? It's a crime to treat his body this way.
Not as big Oh, dear.
Get up.
Not as big a crime as killing him in the first place.
But RANDl: Feet, feet, feet, feet.
IAN: Yes.
(BOTH GRUNTING) Who would get the blame for that if we called the police? Surely we could explain.
What? That it wasn't your father who killed him, but it was, but it wasn't, because he was possessed by a ghost at the time? Good point.
Good night, sweet prince.
Wait a minute.
We can't leave his body down here forever.
Of course not.
Okay, when this is all over, we'll make more permanent arrangements.
IAN: A proper Christian burial.
A service in Winchester Cathedral.
A chance for the scholars of the world to pay their respects to a great man.
Yeah, right.
(PANTS) Either that or dump it in the Thames.
This is Professor Mason you're talking about.
I feel bad about this too, okay? What do you suggest we do with his body? Let's worry about my father's body first.
Let me see.
For a start, we could figure out what Ivan is doing here in the first place.
He's looking for Sarah.
Yes, and what is she doing here? She never did say, did she? No.
Oh, great.
(BOTH GRUNT) Adiós.
Maybe Maybe she read our ad in the newspaper.
Ghosts don't read newspapers.
Ghost don't read newspapers, they write them.
Randi, ghosts neither read nor write newspapers.
RANDl: What about ghost writers? RANDl: Oh, no! (MRS.
MATHESON EXCLAIMING) (MRS.
MATHESON WHOOPING) Mum, are you back to (MR.
AND MRS.
MATHESON GIGGLING) Mum, are you all right? Stop it, the children are here.
She's fine.
Aren't you, pet? I had a wonderful night's sleep.
I've never felt better.
You will.
What's gotten into you? Your father's turned into a monster.
More than she knows.
How are you feeling? Have you any ill effects? What do you remember? Everything.
Not that it's any of your business.
I think I'll survive.
We'll see.
We better be going back to the university.
There's a lot of work to do, you know.
You don't mind, do you? MR.
MATHESON: Of course not.
Your mum's safe with me.
(LAUGHING) You're not running away and leaving me alone with them? They'll be keeping to themselves, I'm sure.
He's a bear without his morning tea, isn't he? (BELL TOLLING) RANDl: What are we looking for? There's something in our house these ghosts want.
Warm beer and nookie? Whatever it is, we're going to find it.
In old newspapers? We've been looking in the wrong places, while the truth was right here all along.
The truth? As it happened, Sarah Bloom's obituary.
It says she was 34 and unmarried.
She lied to us.
Keep reading.
It says she died of tuberculosis in a house decorated by the royal portraits of the family of Ruritania.
And they were all killed by revolutionaries.
Lan, she lived in your house.
Now, that explains a lot.
Her portal must be in the B&B.
And she's waiting for it to open again.
But if she wasn't married, who's Ivan? And why is he chasing her? Read the third column.
How odd.
"An unidentified Ruritanian man threw himself in front of "a speeding carriage today, "crying, 'Death to dictators,' "and was trampled to death by the horses.
" Check the address.
Right in front of our house.
BOTH: 100 years ago, today.
(LOUD PIANO MUSIC) IAN: Can you use the soft pedal please, Dad? MR.
MATHESON: There isn't one.
(SQUAWKING) IAN: Dad.
MR.
MATHESON: I'm not your dad, sonny.
We have to find Sarah.
She'll be here.
She has to be.
We just have to find her before your dad does.
What are you two whispering about? How excited we are about you cooking dinner for us.
I want my grub, woman! Tea now, dinner later.
Dinner now! I've worked up an appetite.
MRS.
MATHESON: Me, too.
Mum, are you all right? I don't think I can take much more of this.
(SHOUTS) I want a real drink.
And get me my meat.
Brute.
Be nice.
And maybe I'll show you how much of a brute I am.
She'd like that, wouldn't she? Dad, you've gone too far.
That's my sister you're talking about.
Looks like your brother to me.
(LAUGHING) (PARROT SQUAWKS) Shut up! PARROT: Randi.
Oh, isn't that special? After all these months, that bird's finally learned your name.
The bird learned my name.
PARROT: Randi, help.
You call that a meal? I call that tuna noodle delight.
(MOUTHING) MR.
MATHESON: Tuna noodle delight? I call it garbage.
He must have heard about Aunt Elsa's cooking.
I want meat.
(SQUAWKING) Looks like a plateful to me.
(SQUAWKING) Can you say fricassee? Randi, help.
Can you? Sarah! Help! Dad, that bird's a member of this family.
I love it.
Wait till you taste it.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Here's a hint, Sarah Bloom.
If you want to find a hiding place, make sure it doesn't have bars.
I'll get you.
Dad, no.
Lan.
There's a cockroach running out of the room.
IAN: What do you mean, cockroach? That's Sarah.
That is a disgusting cockroach.
And if I didn't live here, I'd move lodgings immediately.
Don't you see? She was in the bird, now she's in the bug.
Now she's me.
This is no time for games, Randi.
Buffoon.
What? Will this convince you? The portal to the next world.
My portal.
I died in this house Soon, this portal will close forever.
This time, I'm going through it.
Not with Ivan still inside my father.
Think, Professor.
If he kills me, he'll kill Randi, too.
What did you ever do to him? I didn't do anything.
My real name is Svetlana Renkov.
The youngest daughter of the Ruritanian dictator.
But you're dead.
I mean, you were executed along with your family.
I was only four years old at the time.
Our servants helped me to escape.
Why should I be punished for crimes I didn't even commit? Crimes I couldn't understand? And yet, I was hunted my whole life.
By Ivan? After 50 years, he finally found me.
But it was too late.
I beat him.
I died before he could kill me.
So he took his own life to stop you entering the next world.
Cruel bastard.
But why didn't you tell us this in the first place? I know who my father was.
I know what he did to inspire such hatred.
If Hitler's daughter came to you, would you help her? (DOOR OPENS) Not if he's smart.
Because this time, sweetie, you aren't getting away.
Even if it means I have to kill every living thing in this house.
Don't you think you're being just a bit unreasonable? Her family stole our lands.
I'd suffer for all eternity before I let her have eternal peace.
MR.
MATHESON: They made our sons into slaves and our daughters into whores.
We starved and died so they could feast.
Perhaps an apology is in order.
Would that do it for you? Go ahead.
Apologize.
See? She's sorry.
I was only four years old.
I'm innocent.
The sins of the father are visited on the children! And your father committed so many sins.
MR.
MATHESON: Go ahead, cower.
But I'll hack right through him, and I will kill you.
Don't Aunt Elsa, stop it.
You'll kill him.
Good work.
Damn fool didn't drink the drugged tea.
You drugged his tea? Why? To knock 'em out, of course.
We don't want Ivan jumping into lan or Mum.
Don't stand there looking pretty, girl, go through your portal.
RANDl: What about Ivan? There's no one left for him to jump into.
There's you.
Already taken, I'm afraid, my dear young lady.
Professor Mason, I assume? You always were a bright student.
Is he IAN: Oh, yes.
Ivan won't be troubling you anymore.
Thank you both for everything.
Send us a postcard.
Now, hurry.
You haven't got much time.
Come with me, John.
I appreciate the invitation, my dear young lady.
But I prefer to remain here.
See you in 100 years.
It's a date.
ELSA: I never knew that mythology could be so exciting.
Good thing I solved your little riddle before Ivan killed me.
What are you going to do now? Are you kidding? This is my chance to find out all about real mythology.
This will be the most wonderful 100 years of my life.
Afterlife.
My dear lan, you finally bested me.
There's no way I can top this.
But when I come back in the next century, there'll be a few new riddles for you.
I look forward to it.
And that reminds me.
Ditch my body.
I don't want that down there to greet me when I come back.
I'm home.
So, did I miss anything when I was gone? Julian, dear boy, don't go near your grandfather.
He has the most appalling cold.
Drink your tea or your throat will never get better.
I've had 27 cups already.
I'm going to burst.
Do as I tell you.
I want you healthy again, so we can pick up where we left off.
(MUMBLING) I did miss something.
Nothing big.
If you say so.
(MUMBLING) I suppose I'd better be going now.
I'm sorry about everything, Professor.
Oh, don't be.
You've managed to teach me something.
There's a big wonderful world out there which I never knew existed.
And I can't wait to explore it.
My dear young lady, if I can find anything to help you, I'll be back.
Thank you, Professor.
(CAT MEOWS) Wait a minute.
What about my job at Oxford? (SIGHS) My dad was right.
I should never have switched majors.
IAN: High up in the Urals and on the plains of Hungary, they believed that the horse was the earthly representation of the long lost tribe.
Am I boring you, Mr.
Salsbury? I thought your lecture was quite interesting.
Really? Well, you can return the favor by giving us a little lecture of your own.
Parikshit.
Parikshit? Parikshit, Parikshit.
Parikshit.
Right.
As none of you seem to be up on your studies of the Mahabharata, you can all go to the library and bone up on it before tomorrow's study session.
"10-to-1, Webber's Way.
" You are cruel, aren't you? I'm just trying to keep the spirit of Professor Mason alive.
His spirit is alive.
You know, he used to think I was scared of him.
The truth is I used to pretend I was, just because I knew it pleased him.
I was such a good student.
His spirit is alive, my dear boy.
Professor? Laryntooga.
Laryntooga, Laryntooga Laryntooga.
Laryntooga, Laryntooga I'll get my notes now.
Fooled him again.