Sit Down Shut Up (2009) s01e10 Episode Script

We are so delighted zat you have chosen marine zone as ze site for Knob Haven's 20th high school reuniogon.
We're over here, frenchy.
And don't be so delighted.
The only reason why we're having it here is that this was the favorite hangout for our class 20 years ago.
Yeah.
We all loved marine life, huh? And that you sold booze to 15-year-olds.
Oui, is very irresponsible, like our polar bear petting zone.
I must hide.
Hey, I'm just glad we were able to put 20 years of disagreements behind us and organize a reunion together.
22 years.
But who's counting? And I'm gonna kick it off in style with my opening speech.
Uh, don't you mean my opening speech? Now, why would you give a speech called "Sue Sezno's fond memories of Sue Sezno's high-school experience by Sue Sezno"? I have to admit, it's catchy.
But I called dibs on the speech! Dibs? Helen, we are not teenagers anymore.
And if you remember, when we were teenagers, I called dibs infinity.
But I bought you a coke! Wait, that's-- jinx.
Jinx! Jinx.
Jinx.
Jinx! Jinx.
Screw this.
You're goin' down.
Just like a librarian to bring an eel to a swordfish fight.
Hit me one more time with that eel and see what I do.
Ok.
How 'bout 2 times? Nobody wants to hear you speak.
It reminds them too much of your existence.
Nobody can get you to stop speaking.
Th--ooh! They should call you "Sue Sezmore.
" That's clever.
Wasn't it? Aah! Aah! They've been at it for 3 days.
Do you think we should intervene? No way.
If I learned anything from spring break, it's never get in the middle of a girl-on-girl fish fight.
Enough of this! I can't work with you anymore, Sezno! Same here! Someone else can organize this reunion.
Any volunteers? Well, now is as good a time as any.
Agnes, I want a divorce.
Fine.
Should we tell Larry? And ruin his magical vacation? Nah, we'll tell him tonight at Shakey's.
Mom, dad, I just saw a mermaid.
Huh.
At least you'll have one non-scarring memory of this trip.
Hey, wh-why am I wet? What happened? Why am I wearing this pirate's hat? Stuart, read back the minutes from what Larry missed.
Sue--"Someone else can organize this reunion.
Any volunteers?" "Larry dives under the table.
There's a great deal of blood.
" Sue-- "So, unless someone wants to take over the planning, the reunion is canceled.
" Ennis--"Let's get Larry to do it.
He's unconscious.
" Willard--"Wait.
He's coming to.
" Ennis-- "Knock him out again.
" "Stuart hits a groggy Larry with his stenotype.
More blood.
" Me--"damn it! I bhink I broke my benobype.
" "When I bype b, ib now wribes b.
" Ennis-- "Oh, shib.
You killed him.
" Me--"hey, capital t still works.
I'll use that.
" Andrew--"Oh, good.
Larry still has a pulse.
" Sue--"Andrew, that's not where you check for the pulse!" "Everyone--laughter.
" Andrew--"Well, he seems to be enjoying it.
" "Throaty adult laughter.
" Sue--"Let's break for lunch!" Ok.
"Interior bennigan's.
"The teachers are there, including Larry, who's wearing a ridiculous child's cap.
" Manager--"are you sure he's under 12?" I--I don't need to hear the lunch transcript.
I did not agree to run the reunion.
Fine.
I'll call marine zone and cancel.
Wait.
Marine zone? Well, this could be my chance to make things right from my childhood.
And if I'm lucky, maybe even a little magical.
I'll do it.
Perfect.
Oh, here's your wallet.
"We owe you $349"? For bennigan's and ice-skating.
This reunion is shaping up to be pretty exciting.
Turns out some big celebs went to Knob Haven 20 years ago-- Florida state highway commissioner Tommy Spong and baseball legend Jose Canseco.
Tommy Spong? Wow.
Do you think he's still on the juice? He repaved I-95 when he was 42.
What do you think? I'm sorry.
Did you say Jose Canseco is coming here? Um, he's only, like, my mortal enemy.
Yeah.
We're kind of in the middle of something, so don't feel obligated to elaborate.
Going on, anyway-- Jose Canseco ruined what might have been the greatest day in my childhood-- the day I almost threw a perfect game.
But then in the ninth inning, the opposing team pulled a dirty trick.
Now batting for the flashbacks, Jose Canseco! Um, excuse me.
Umpire? This league is 12 and under.
He seems a bit bigger.
Nah, he's legit.
And he's brought his friends Andrew Jackson and Ben Franklin to vouch for him.
Also, whoever's on the $10 bill.
Oh, and he's gonna be batting over and over.
So, just keep it coming.
I mean, he was like a baseball player on steroids.
Oh, I can still hear the cruel heckling of the crowd.
I haven't seen this many hits given up since the Beatles sold their catalogue to Michael Jackson! Jose Canseco humiliated me.
And now it's my turn to humiliate him! Ha ha ha! Running away laughing-- ha ha ha! Oh, there's not even gonna be a reunion at this rate.
Look at these emails.
No one wants to come unless some group called "the Knob girlzz" performs.
You know who they are? 2 "z"s or one? 2.
Then, no.
Psst! I might know something about the Knob girlzz.
But it'll cost ya.
The Knob girlzz-- why, I haven't thought of them for 20 years, which is strange, because I see 2 of them every day.
You do? Well, sure-- Sue and Helen.
During lunch, everyone would flock to the cafeteria to see them perform.
Back then, Helen was the hefty one, and Sue had a positive attitude.
Hey, porkpie.
What up, beanpole? You ready to rap about lunch? Only since my sensible breakfast.
Bust it! I lick, I lick a hot dog on a stick I lick, I lick a hot dog on a stick I lick so long, the hot dog gone and all I've got is stick a stick, a stick where that hot dog on a stick? Bring it down, now! Knob girlzz! Oh, here you are.
So, if there was a Knob girlzz performance, it might bring Sue and Helen back together as friends and also save the reunion.
Oh, I-it's not gonna be that easy.
Why do you say that? I can't remember.
Maybe your friends Mr.
Oscar and Mr.
Mayer could refresh my memory.
The Knob girlzz were about to get their first big break-- battle of the bands at marine zone.
Back then, I wasn't fly-ridden, just "fly.
" And as the school's most popular teacher, I was the emcee.
Let's give a big late-80s welcome to the Knob girlzz! Word to your mothers-- and that word would be lassensieunsflippigerhalten! Let's get funky.
But then their D.
J.
Told me of a problem.
Younger Mr.
Deutschebog, uh, young Sue and young Helen just totally walked off.
But you're the peacemaker.
You couldn't make peace? No.
When I told them we only had time for, like, one song, they were each, like, "but I want to sing lead.
" "No, I want to sing lead.
" And I was all like, "whoa.
Don't fight.
" And they were all like, "I'll pull your hair, bitch.
" Then you're gonna have to sing something.
Is that what you want me to do, Mr.
Deutschebog? Because I'll do anything for you.
I want you to know wait.
Alanis Morissette was the D.
J.
Of the Knob girlzz? Yes.
I think that was her name.
If you can get her, I'm sure they'll work out their differences.
She was kind of the peacemaker of the group.
Also, she had the best body.
Willard, Alanis Morissette is a major recording artist! Really? Like Ish Kabibble from Kay Kyser's Kollege of musical knowledge? Or Allen Smethurst the singing postman! She'll never come here.
I don't know.
She did always find me somewhat handsome.
Is that a wink? No.
My eyelid died.
Actually, that was years ago.
But the glue just gave.
Look, just ask her.
Maybe she'd be happy to sing.
Happy to sing? At the reunion? Happy to sing? What honor.
I will pay tribute to country that let me live great American dream by singing greatest song in American history-- nah, st.
Elmo's fire too complicated to translate.
I'll just sing national anthem.
"I'm going to destroy Jose Canseco, and this will make me sincerely happy.
" Someone wants to take out Jose Canseco! No! He's somewhat important to me in a vaguely flashbacky way.
You see, I was on a road trip to Florida with my father the colonel and his marine partner colonel Vilanche.
Let me put it this way-- there was an awful lot of macho in that car.
and the card attached would say thank you for being a friend thank you for being a friend heh heh! Ah, Ennis, I think you're going to enjoy marine zone a lot.
Yes, sir! Father, sir! But we weren't going to the fun marine zone, famous for its liberal drinking policies and delicious popcorn kernels, no.
We were going to the marine base, famous for pop's corny colonel.
You look as nervous as Elaine Stritch's stylist on opening night, soldier.
The cold war may be ending, but we have new enemies.
And we can't count on our ally the friendly rebel leader Osama bin laden to help us take 'em down.
Just give me a gun, sir, and I'll have at them.
That's my boy.
Just make sure you shoot them before they shoot you.
Wait! They'll have guns, too? Aah! Huh? Huh? Ahh.
I haven't seen this many hits given up since the Beatles sold their catalogue to Michael Jackson! When I was at my lowest, he reminded me it was OK to laugh at people weaker than me.
But who would want to kill Jose Canseco? Besides, of course, mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmeiro, Barry bonds Wait a minute.
Let me see that.
"I'm going to destroy Jose Canseco, and this will make me.
Sincerely, happy.
" The arrogant son of a bitch even signed his own name.
But it's not punctuated the way you read it.
Because he doesn't know English as good as I does.
Yeah.
I know this is a long shot, but I'd like the phone number for Alanis Morissette.
Why? UhWell, I-- I didn't know directory assistance cared about intent.
It's kind of a long story-- you've got time? Ok.
Well, I am planning a reunion.
And I guess if I could pull this off, it would just make me feel so much better about my parents' divorce.
Why, thank you.
I will hold.
And all I really want is some patience a way to calm The angry voice-- Aw, come on! I thought we went over the whole "be cool, turn off your cell phone" thing.
Oh.
Heh heh heh.
It's mine.
Sorry.
"555"--that's a knob Haven area code.
Hello? A reunion? Cover for me.
I'll be back in a week.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Ish Kabibble.
Come on.
Hurry up with the translation.
I don't feel comfortable in this den of terror.
He even has a picture of a terrorist on the wall.
Look at that beard.
That's Abraham Lincoln.
Ah, yes-- the shoe bomber.
You were right-- this document of Happy's is incriminating.
"O say can you see" That sounds vaguely similar to "Jose Canseco.
" "By the dawn's early light" I think that's a squiggly language expression for "nighttime.
" "What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming" That means nothing.
"And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air" Rockets? Bombs? Holy shib.
This is worse than I thought.
We've got to move.
You go right ahead.
There's a recipe here I want to translate.
One box rice krispies, one bag marshmallows-- wow, this is a terrorist attack on my waistline! What? Freddie "boom boom" Washington's giving foot rubs in the auditorium? I'll be right there! Hey! Where's my boom boom? Hey, where's my giant mechanical Santa Claus? With the light-up nose? Look at you two-- the Knob girlzz.
You were meant to be onstage together.
You have to sing at the reunion, and that's that.
Nice try, Larry, but we hate each other.
Yeah.
We're like Ish Kabibble and the singing postman.
It's too bad you don't have a peacemaker to bring you together.
How 'bout you put your hands together for miss Alanis Morissette! Hey, girls! The Knob girlzz are back together! Whoo-hoo! Word up! Bring it! How did you get Alanis Morissette to come here? And how is Sue able to do that in pumps? Oh, those are easy spirits.
As for Alanis, I told her how much the school needed her, and I can be a pretty persuasive guy.
Yes! Street orange! Oh, like I always say, follow the aunts.
Mr.
Deutschebog! Ohh.
Don't feel bad.
A lot of people scream and faint when they see Willard.
Yeah, he's not actually a ghost.
No, you don't understand.
I've been in love with Mr.
Deutschebog for 20 years.
We're OK.
Continuing? He's my knight in shining armor.
I've tried to contact him to tell him how I feel, but all my emails bounce back.
Oh, he doesn't have a computer.
I've tried to call.
He doesn't have a phone.
I've sent letters! The last I checked, he was living inside a large bell.
Mail service there is spotty.
Larry, I'm doing you a favor by performing at the reunion, OK? So you're gonna have to do a favor for me, just a small thing.
Get Willard to marry me.
He's old and disgusting, you're beautiful and rich.
I'll see what I can do.
I'm here to report a terrorist threat.
I believe that there is a plot to take somebody out at your 20th high-school reunion.
Not Florida state highway commissioner Tommy Spong! No, even though that guy was born with a bull's-eye on his back.
I'm talking about Jose Canseco.
So, what do you want me to do? Break out the confiscated weapons box.
I need a gun to take care of Canseco.
Hey.
That's why I'm here, too.
Happy is the assassin.
Yes, the assassin will be happy.
Heh heh heh! We are so on the same page.
So, I guess we're both asking-- no.
You can't have a gun.
How about-- no knives.
Fair enough.
What about-- and no botulism spores.
But where are we gonna get a weapon? The children are our best source.
Oh, grow up.
Now get out of here! I have to get dressed for my reunion at marine zone.
Marine zone, eh? I'm sorry, Miracle.
I can't marry Alanis.
I promised my mother I would die alone.
But you're her knight in shining armor.
She's the princess you have to rescue from her life of luxury.
The metaphor sort of falls apart here.
But why me? All I've got to my name is my name, and I'm still paying that off.
Why not? I've always wanted to be a matchmaker.
It started when I was a kid.
I was at marine zone to look at the fish and enjoy the liberal drinking policy when I saw 2 people who needed me.
I hate you! We finally agree on something.
Actually, no-- I loathe you! Stop fighting.
You two are so obviously in love.
And if my words can't convince you, maybe this song will.
Wherever we go whatever we do we're gonna go through it to-- aah! By the time they sliced open the fish to rescue me, the couple was gone.
But I'm sure they lived happily ever after.
I'm sorry.
I still can't marry Alanis.
Well, I tried.
Besides, you would never be happy with her wealth, her fame, her 200-acre bologna farm, her beauty-- wait, wait, wait, wait.
What was that after "fame" and before "beauty"? Oh, the bologna farm? No, no, it's not for you.
It's for someone who really loves bologna.
It's a heat ray.
It was developed to create a sunset effect for a musical adaptation we did of a few good men.
But we discovered when it hits people or prisoners, it hurts quite a bit.
I bet not as much as sitting through that production, sister.
You talk like a soldier.
You know what? Take the laser.
Just make sure that you-- I've got a Ray gun! I'm from the future! Aah! Aah! Please take what I assume is your hand out of my ass.
Ah, tonight's gonna be great.
Your whole class is coming to see you perform and to bring people together at the place where my parents broke up, it really heals a lot of-- get to the point, Larry.
Wounds.
I had one word left.
Alanis, there's someone here to see you.
Lady alanis, I am here.
Willst thou marry me? Yes! A thousand times, yes! I'm gonna be alanis Deutschebog! I can't wait.
Let's get married now at the marine zone chapel.
Well, you mean after our show, of course.
Well, I have waited 20 years.
What's another few agonizing hours? You know, Sue, Helen, one of you has to be my maid of honor, and I just can't pick.
So, you do it.
Well, it's clear.
I should be maid of honor.
What? The only thing you're made of is fudge! You can kiss the Knob girlzz reunion good-bye.
'Cause if I can't reason with you, I can't rap with you.
And everybody knows that the best rap is based on 2 people having a calm, thoughtful, intelligent dialogue and-- aw, you gots me too mad to rap! I's never perform with you again! Oh, my God.
It's Florida state highway commissioner Tommy Spong! He built the pasco county connector route! And the pinellas bayway! I can't believe I'm marrying into a bologna fortune! Yes.
There is a lot of baloney involved here.
Tell me again about the mayonnaise river.
I don't think I ever mentioned a mayonnaise river.
Tell me, anyway.
Alanis, this is a disaster.
If the Knob girlzz don't perform, there's gonna be a riot, and marine zone's liberal alcohol policy has gotten this crowd drunk and disorderly already.
You need to play peacemaker one last time.
Sure, Larry, whatever.
I just gotta take out the trash first.
They have people here to do that.
They're dressed like penguins.
I'm a puffin, [Bleep.]
Hole! Ha ha.
Yes.
Well, still working on that.
But first, please extend a non-xenophobic welcome to Knob Haven's own custodian, Muhannad Sabeeh "happy" fa-ach nuabar.
o say can you see I've got a clear shot at the bastard.
Let's fire up that Ray gun.
Nothin' says lovin' like something from the oven.
Trademark.
Oh, I was gonna say, "the heat is on.
" Ooh, I like yours better.
Can you say that I said that? Ok, Canseco, I've got some juice for you.
Canseco? What are you doing? We're trying to take out happy.
You wanted to ask me something? Uh, yeah, I wanted to ask you something, hippy.
What the hell do you think you're doing trying to steal Willard? I didn't take 3 1/2 semesters of German at the university of Phoenix to lose my man to some teacher slut! It's uber-schwimmen time! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Ow.
I had to break up the Knob girlzz 20 years ago to get Willard to notice me.
That's why I made up that thing about only having time for one song.
Now nothing stands between me and my man-- except you! Wow.
You're such a bitch, alanis Morissette.
I'd expect this from Avril Lavigne, but--uhh--aah! Ha! Victory is mine! Aah! Busted.
We heard your whole confession.
Drowning a science teacher has been illegal in this state for 2 years now, you promotable bitch.
You're goin' down! I'm a celebrity.
You can't touch this! Oh, now she thinks she's MC hammer! Get her! Aah! Oh, that was a mistake.
Just like those boots.
And the home of the brave Thank you.
God mess America! Yes! Well, that concludes our entertainment portion.
I'm afraid that the Knob girlzz won't be able to perform as promised.
Just the messenger on this one.
Kill the messenger! Look, buddy, the whole point of saying, "I am just the messenger"-- he said it again! Kill him! Not so fast! The Knob girlzz are back.
You are? You don't hate each other? Oh, we do.
But we hate alanis Morissette more.
She went a little voluntary manslaughter on your girl crush.
You might want to check on that.
Ok, Knob Haven, we just got a new D.
J.
Drop the needle, spongerella! Ready to kick it one time, porkpie? Dang, beanpole, I kick it 2 times.
Except now I'm beanpole, and you're fat ass.
I mean, pork fat.
Uh, pork ass.
Let's hit 'em with a classic! Whoo, Whoo institutional-grade pizza so good, I wants to eat cha farewell, sweet bologna farm.
I get down on my knees for tomato-flavored sauce and cheese then I womp it I gomp it I open my mouth and chomp it Whoo, Whoo Take it down, now! Oh, my God! The mermaid! Hi, you! Help me! Aah! You're in love with me, aren't you? Help! Help! Just like 20 years ago-- is that what you're trying to say? I'm trying to say, get me out of this fish-- Miracle--"Get me out of this fish, you expletive deleted!" Larry--"I'm doing my best, but it's got weird teeth.
" French guy, running up-- "Sacre bleu! My prized grouper!" Closing credits finish.
Fade to black.