Son of the Beach (2000) s01e10 Episode Script
Day of the Jackass
Wow! The most historic event ever to take place in Malibu Adjacent, and herewe are in charge ofsecurity.
Why arewe guarding all these foreign refugees with the funny accents? Oh, they're not refugees.
They're diplomats from China and Africa trying to settle an ancient feud.
Oh! That's why these are called the Chi-Negro Accords.
Wow! Look at all the dignitaries.
There's ex-President Clinton! Ohh! Hi, Bill! It's me B.
J.
the intern! And there's the mayor hobnobbing.
Welcome to Malibu Adjacent, Premier Ho.
This mywifeYu.
Hello, Yu Ho.
So, Notch, why arewe in charge ofsecurity? I mean, they already have the FBI, the CIA, the army, the navy, and every L.
A.
cop who hasn't been indicted yet.
Because they don't know this beach like I do.
There isn't a grain ofsand here I haven't at least once picked out of my heinie hole.
Plus, we've got Steve the dog.
Steve can detect explosives.
Steve? Steve won't even sit when you tell him to.
Nuh-uh, Kimberlee! IfSteve barks wildly, it means either he's smelled a bomb or about to drop one ofhis own.
And ifit's a real bomb, Stevewill start with the humping.
[Barking.]
What is it, my little Hund? Is it a bomb?!.
Go get the bomb, Steve! Go get the bomb! Bomb, bomb, bomb! Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb! Run foryour lives! But try to stay calm! Bomb, bomb! No, Steve! I said B-O-M-B, - not B-O-N-G.
- [Ruff.]
Don't argue with me, Steve.
Johnson, you beaver-toothed bozo.
This belongs to Yu Ho.
She has a cataract! Don't make fun ofthe way she pronounces Cadillac! No, you idiot, she is legally blind! She needs this righteous MaryJane for medicinal purposes.
Now, don't come within a mile ofthis beach until the summit is over.
You are relieved ofall duties! That really stinks! - [Steve Barking.]
- No, Steve! Announcer: Tonight's episode Announcer: Son ofthe Beach is a member of FDIC.
[Speaking Native Language With Clicking.]
Welcome, King Vidor.
And may I say [Clicking Tongue.]
Mayor, I also speak English.
Oh, terrific! It's so nice ofyou to travel all theway from Begonia.
Thanks.
This is my son the prince.
Prince, I hopeyou see all the sights whileyour dad's at the summit.
You see, Father? Even she says I should see everything while I'm here in America.
Quiet! Speak in click! Chip: Give me all your 8s.
Go fish! Read 'em and weep! Old maid! Ohh.
Can you believe we're going to be out ofwork for 3 days? I've never gotten laid off.
It really does hurt the first time.
I know howyou feel, B.
J.
I need something to drown the pain.
Where's Jamaica with those smoothies? Man: What's the matter,Johnson? Don'tyou want a real drink? Sir! I don't drink, sir! Captain? Is thatyou?!.
At ease, Corporal.
[Both Laughing.]
Ah! I thoughtyou died in Southeast Asia? Gang, say "'ten hut"' to the best captain ever Buck Entenille! Oh, it's nice to meetyou, Captain Entenille.
Notch talks aboutyou a lot, especially during his Vietnam flashbacks.
Uh-huh.
We use flashbackcards in my adult literacy class.
I'll bet.
So, Vietnam was tough, huh, guys? Tough? Wow.
Rememberthat pickle we had on Hamburger Hill? Hamburger.
You were my helper.
[BuckAnd Notch Laugh.]
Perfect hair, green eyes, the most amazing body to grace the planet.
Who areyou rappin' to, homeboy? Oh, I am-- I am not home.
I am-- I am far away.
Yeah, well, go on with your bad self.
Oh, I am not bad! I am--I am good.
I am a prince, formerly known as an artist.
Well, whereyou from, boo? From Africa.
The Africa? Ohh! Shoot, dawg! I'm African-American.
How about crazy old Colonel Kurtz? Oh, the white makeup? He was worth a trip up the river! So, what brings you to Malibu Adjacent? Oh, insurance business.
Had a meeting.
Whereyou from? Oh, a small town in Pennsylvania.
Oh, I'm from Pennsylvania! What town? Uh, Doylestown.
I'm from Doylestown! What part? Nearthe school.
Hey, Notch, uh, listen.
There are no hotel rooms available.
Could I possibly, uh-- Don't even say it.
Tonight, you sleep on The SaltyJohnson.
Captain, my mom needs life insurance.
Should she get term orwhole? Why not both? I'll get my bags.
Notch, how well doyou know this guy? Areyou kidding me? Ifitwasn't for Buck Entenille, wewould've lost thatwar in Vietnam.
And ifyou really want to feel bad, lose a war.
I justwonder about someone who says they're from Doylestown and then doesn't want to talk about it.
And he didn't help me with my term or mywhole.
Guys, trust me.
One thing about Buck Entenille, he's a straight shooter.
Diplomats, distinguished guests, and ex-President Clinton, welcome.
Having the signing of the Chi-Negro Accords here in Malibu Adjacent is the fulfillment ofa dream for me.
As smaller African nations like Begonia develop nuclearweapons, the need for peace is even more crucial.
So today, forthis wonderful luncheon, we've combined the cuisines ofChina and Africa.
Now let's all enjoy some Kung Pao chicken and waffles.
Dig in! Hey, here he comes.
Now, gals, listen.
If Buck hits on you, don't get offended.
He's a real ladies' man.
Hey,Johnson? When am I going to get a tour ofthis seaside shanty? No can do.
The summit's in town.
There's a summit in town? Well, you didn't know? China and Africa are here for their treaty.
Myfavorite treaty's frozen yogurt.
And you're here, Notch? Come on, why the hell aren't they taking advantage ofthe best security chief in the business? Well, the mayor and Notch don't exactly see eye to-- uhhead.
Come on, Buck.
Let's go down below and stowyour gear.
Say, Chip? It's, uh, great to meetyou.
Nice to meetyou, too, Captain.
And, uh, you, uh, work out a lot, don'tyou? Yeah.
I love to pump.
Oh.
Butyou're not-- you're not gay or anything? Huh? No.
Good.
Neither am I.
There's something I don't like about this "'captain.
"' Yeah.
Notch said he was a big ladies' man, but he hasn't hit on me once.
Well, he hit on me.
I think he's a-- What's the word in German? A hosengrabber, a fudgenpacker.
I saywe do some digging on this Captain Buck Entenille.
So then, what do I say to this fly hottie? Oh, you throw some game down! Kinda like "'Yo, baby! You got morejunk in the trunk than a lowered Chevy!" Then I saytoyou, "'Yo, baby! You got morejunk in the trunk than a lowered Chevy.
" And I mean that from the bottom ofmy heart.
[Giggles Softly.]
Teach me something in your language.
Verywell.
You might sayto me [Clicking.]
Go ahead, you try it.
Ahem! [Clicking.]
Useyourtongue more.
Like this [Clicking.]
[Clicking.]
Yo, Prince.
I thinkyou and I are really starting to click.
Luckyfor us, I'm an expert in computers.
But normally I use Macintosh.
Doyou know IBM? Really? Me, too! Especially after oatmeal.
OK, B.
J.
, let's try doing a search on Buck Entenille in the insurance industry.
Nope.
Nothing.
B.
J.
, you mightwant to flip - the power switch on.
- Power switch? OK, uh, B.
J.
, doyou mind ifI give it a shot? Go ahead.
It's harder than it looks.
Nothing! I mean, I have tried everything from the Doylestown phone book to Who's Who in Broadway Theater.
What about the military? Well, Notch does have access to the government's top-secret computer system, but we can't get in without his password.
Try "' Notch.
"' OK, doyou really think Notch would use his own name to get into theworld's most secure computer? Mm-hmm.
OK! N-O-T-C-H.
[Alarm Going Off.]
- Oh! Oh, my God, we're in! - Ooh! Chip: It's the National Defense System! Oh, hey, it's a government bulletin.
Buck Entenille is a deranged Vietnam vet who nowworks as a paid assassin forterrorist organizations.
He's been spotted at gun shows, military surplus stores and various men's rooms on the NewJerseyTurnpike.
My God, doyou know what this means? He eats a lot of oatmeal? No, B.
J.
, it means that Captain Entenille's probably out to get someone at the summit.
You see, anyone with halfa brain could disguise himselfas, say, you know, a waiter, and avoid the metal detectors by stowing a weapon, let's say a-- Notch? One minute, Kimberlee.
Let's say a rifle, right? Inside a covered food tray.
No one would ever suspect-- Notch, uh, could-- could we speak toyou up--up top? It's a personal problem.
Has nothing to do with computers orVietnam-- Ouch! Uh, yeah, sure.
Uh, you mind, Captain? No problemo.
I have to go drain the dragon, anyway.
What is it? Chief, it's about this captain guy.
We don't think he is who he says he's supposed to bewho he isn't.
Notch, he is a paid assassin.
That's very perceptive ofyou, Kimberlee.
[Gasps.]
Could have used you in Da Nang.
Esteemed guests, I giveyou So Ho.
So? [Applause.]
Here we are, China and Africa, sitting side by side.
That remind me ofa joke.
One Chinese guy and a blackdude sitting at a bar.
The Chinese guy say, "' Myfavoriteviolinist is Yo-Yo Ma.
" And the blackdude say, "'Yo mama!"' [Audience Laughing And Booing.]
[Both Speaking Native Languages.]
Hey, you two, this ain't JerrySpringer! Sitdown! Sitdown! [All Struggling.]
Buck, you never acted crazy like this back in 'Nam, not even the nightyou were bowling with real human skulls.
They paid me to kill in 'Nam.
And now they're telling me again.
Can you hearthem? "' Kill King Vidor! Kill King Vidor!"' Who's paying you to kill King Vidor? IfI told you that, I'd have to kill you.
Oh, I am killing you.
Oh, myGod, Notch! He's got an alarm clock! Oh, that's no alarm clock.
It's a bomb! Don't go to pieces on me, Johnson.
[Laughing Hysterically.]
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
[Clicking.]
Prince, calm down! I can't understand a word you click.
My ebony goddess, I have a gift foryou.
Ooh! Damn! Is that a ruby? From my homeland of Begonia.
It is the famed Ruby of Begonia.
Marry me,Jamaica.
"' Marry me,Jamaica"'? I've always wanted to hear those words.
But wait.
Is Begonia one ofthose countries where a guy gets to have a lot ofwives? Oh, no.
That place is called Utah.
Whew! I was afraid it was one ofthose places with 7 brides for one brother.
Really? What would that be like? Uh, Prince? Ooh, I'd like to get my hands on that one-eyed snake! That captain is a son ofa bitch! Hey, you watch the locker room language, young man! Wait a second.
I know a son ofa bitch who might be able to help us.
Come here, Steve! [Whistles.]
[Barking.]
Steve, go! Get the bomb! Aah! No, Steve! Not "'the blonde,"' the bomb! Kimberlee: Oh! He actually did what he was told.
Ha ha ha! Ugh! Look at me! I'm a weakling.
Yeah, well, luckyfor us I've been doing the new Rosie O'Donnell Total Workout.
Nnargh! All: Ahh! Now let's go stop an "'assasinination"'! And in conclusion, wewill sign this treaty.
But the problem with signing a treatywith China is that a halfhour later, you want to sign it all over again.
[Audience Laughing.]
Thankyou, King Vidor.
And now, before the signing, I'd like to pat myselfon the back.
Where the click haveyou been?!.
Oh, Father, I have seen wonderful sights, and the mostwonderful sight ofall is this beautiful woman Jamaica St.
Croix.
You have shown her the familyjewels? Yes, Father.
She is to be my princess.
Isn't she a fly-ass hottie? You speak nonsense! This woman is beneath you.
When I get home, whatwill I tell your mother Queen Latifah? I forbid this marriage! [Sobbing.]
Notch: Come on, guys! We're almost there! Guys, guys, guys! Notch Johnson, S.
P.
F.
30! Officer: Sorry, Notch.
It's an emergency! Someone may die.
Jamaica,Jamaica! There's a maniac inside who's going to assassinate King Vidor.
Saywhat?!.
- You gotta stop him.
- Don't worry.
I'm on it! [Crowd Cheering.]
Mayor: I askyou now to sign this historic document.
I hereby hand this quill to King Vidor of Begonia.
- Look out! - What the-- [Panicked Screams.]
Jamaica! Jamaica-- Jamaica, areyou OK? Yeah, it's just a flesh wound.
Get this woman some Bactine! Stat! Jamaica, can you forgive an old fool for being so blind? Yu Ho: Aah! I was wrong aboutyou.
You truly are a princess.
I would be honored to haveyou as my son's wife.
What doyou sayto that, my love? Get mea freaking ambulance! My arm hurts like a mo-fo! Argh! Gang, you take care ofJamaica.
I have to have a word with the captain.
Ooh, Notch! Ow! Buck Attempted murder is a crime in California.
You'll do months forthis.
Prison.
Ha! Lots ofmen lifting weights, showering together You're not gay, areyou, Notch? No.
Good.
Neither am I.
Good-bye, Captain.
Jamaica: Prince, I've been doing some thinking, and I'm down with being a princess, but my crib is here with S.
P.
F.
30.
I'm disappointed.
But not surprised.
UmPrince Would you let me keep the Ruby of Begonia? To remind me ofyou.
Jamaica, you are dope.
Oh, thankyou.
I will always treasure it.
Uh, no, I mean you a dope to think I would letyou keep that ring.
[Clicking.]
[Toilet Flushing.]
Oh, hi, teens! Notch Johnson here.
Tonight's showwas about gays in the military.
You know, ifyou lookdeep into the annals ofmilitary history, and especiallythe Civil War, you'll come across the Battle ofGlory Hole and the story ofgay soldier Private Richard M.
Head.
When Dick Head shot offhis big gun, hewas able towarn Union soldiers about an invasion to their rear.
Nobody asked ifhewas gay or queer orwhy hewore that sequin beret.
No.
Because Dick Head was a solider, and that's all that matters.
Until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying: Ride the big one!
Why arewe guarding all these foreign refugees with the funny accents? Oh, they're not refugees.
They're diplomats from China and Africa trying to settle an ancient feud.
Oh! That's why these are called the Chi-Negro Accords.
Wow! Look at all the dignitaries.
There's ex-President Clinton! Ohh! Hi, Bill! It's me B.
J.
the intern! And there's the mayor hobnobbing.
Welcome to Malibu Adjacent, Premier Ho.
This mywifeYu.
Hello, Yu Ho.
So, Notch, why arewe in charge ofsecurity? I mean, they already have the FBI, the CIA, the army, the navy, and every L.
A.
cop who hasn't been indicted yet.
Because they don't know this beach like I do.
There isn't a grain ofsand here I haven't at least once picked out of my heinie hole.
Plus, we've got Steve the dog.
Steve can detect explosives.
Steve? Steve won't even sit when you tell him to.
Nuh-uh, Kimberlee! IfSteve barks wildly, it means either he's smelled a bomb or about to drop one ofhis own.
And ifit's a real bomb, Stevewill start with the humping.
[Barking.]
What is it, my little Hund? Is it a bomb?!.
Go get the bomb, Steve! Go get the bomb! Bomb, bomb, bomb! Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb! Run foryour lives! But try to stay calm! Bomb, bomb! No, Steve! I said B-O-M-B, - not B-O-N-G.
- [Ruff.]
Don't argue with me, Steve.
Johnson, you beaver-toothed bozo.
This belongs to Yu Ho.
She has a cataract! Don't make fun ofthe way she pronounces Cadillac! No, you idiot, she is legally blind! She needs this righteous MaryJane for medicinal purposes.
Now, don't come within a mile ofthis beach until the summit is over.
You are relieved ofall duties! That really stinks! - [Steve Barking.]
- No, Steve! Announcer: Tonight's episode Announcer: Son ofthe Beach is a member of FDIC.
[Speaking Native Language With Clicking.]
Welcome, King Vidor.
And may I say [Clicking Tongue.]
Mayor, I also speak English.
Oh, terrific! It's so nice ofyou to travel all theway from Begonia.
Thanks.
This is my son the prince.
Prince, I hopeyou see all the sights whileyour dad's at the summit.
You see, Father? Even she says I should see everything while I'm here in America.
Quiet! Speak in click! Chip: Give me all your 8s.
Go fish! Read 'em and weep! Old maid! Ohh.
Can you believe we're going to be out ofwork for 3 days? I've never gotten laid off.
It really does hurt the first time.
I know howyou feel, B.
J.
I need something to drown the pain.
Where's Jamaica with those smoothies? Man: What's the matter,Johnson? Don'tyou want a real drink? Sir! I don't drink, sir! Captain? Is thatyou?!.
At ease, Corporal.
[Both Laughing.]
Ah! I thoughtyou died in Southeast Asia? Gang, say "'ten hut"' to the best captain ever Buck Entenille! Oh, it's nice to meetyou, Captain Entenille.
Notch talks aboutyou a lot, especially during his Vietnam flashbacks.
Uh-huh.
We use flashbackcards in my adult literacy class.
I'll bet.
So, Vietnam was tough, huh, guys? Tough? Wow.
Rememberthat pickle we had on Hamburger Hill? Hamburger.
You were my helper.
[BuckAnd Notch Laugh.]
Perfect hair, green eyes, the most amazing body to grace the planet.
Who areyou rappin' to, homeboy? Oh, I am-- I am not home.
I am-- I am far away.
Yeah, well, go on with your bad self.
Oh, I am not bad! I am--I am good.
I am a prince, formerly known as an artist.
Well, whereyou from, boo? From Africa.
The Africa? Ohh! Shoot, dawg! I'm African-American.
How about crazy old Colonel Kurtz? Oh, the white makeup? He was worth a trip up the river! So, what brings you to Malibu Adjacent? Oh, insurance business.
Had a meeting.
Whereyou from? Oh, a small town in Pennsylvania.
Oh, I'm from Pennsylvania! What town? Uh, Doylestown.
I'm from Doylestown! What part? Nearthe school.
Hey, Notch, uh, listen.
There are no hotel rooms available.
Could I possibly, uh-- Don't even say it.
Tonight, you sleep on The SaltyJohnson.
Captain, my mom needs life insurance.
Should she get term orwhole? Why not both? I'll get my bags.
Notch, how well doyou know this guy? Areyou kidding me? Ifitwasn't for Buck Entenille, wewould've lost thatwar in Vietnam.
And ifyou really want to feel bad, lose a war.
I justwonder about someone who says they're from Doylestown and then doesn't want to talk about it.
And he didn't help me with my term or mywhole.
Guys, trust me.
One thing about Buck Entenille, he's a straight shooter.
Diplomats, distinguished guests, and ex-President Clinton, welcome.
Having the signing of the Chi-Negro Accords here in Malibu Adjacent is the fulfillment ofa dream for me.
As smaller African nations like Begonia develop nuclearweapons, the need for peace is even more crucial.
So today, forthis wonderful luncheon, we've combined the cuisines ofChina and Africa.
Now let's all enjoy some Kung Pao chicken and waffles.
Dig in! Hey, here he comes.
Now, gals, listen.
If Buck hits on you, don't get offended.
He's a real ladies' man.
Hey,Johnson? When am I going to get a tour ofthis seaside shanty? No can do.
The summit's in town.
There's a summit in town? Well, you didn't know? China and Africa are here for their treaty.
Myfavorite treaty's frozen yogurt.
And you're here, Notch? Come on, why the hell aren't they taking advantage ofthe best security chief in the business? Well, the mayor and Notch don't exactly see eye to-- uhhead.
Come on, Buck.
Let's go down below and stowyour gear.
Say, Chip? It's, uh, great to meetyou.
Nice to meetyou, too, Captain.
And, uh, you, uh, work out a lot, don'tyou? Yeah.
I love to pump.
Oh.
Butyou're not-- you're not gay or anything? Huh? No.
Good.
Neither am I.
There's something I don't like about this "'captain.
"' Yeah.
Notch said he was a big ladies' man, but he hasn't hit on me once.
Well, he hit on me.
I think he's a-- What's the word in German? A hosengrabber, a fudgenpacker.
I saywe do some digging on this Captain Buck Entenille.
So then, what do I say to this fly hottie? Oh, you throw some game down! Kinda like "'Yo, baby! You got morejunk in the trunk than a lowered Chevy!" Then I saytoyou, "'Yo, baby! You got morejunk in the trunk than a lowered Chevy.
" And I mean that from the bottom ofmy heart.
[Giggles Softly.]
Teach me something in your language.
Verywell.
You might sayto me [Clicking.]
Go ahead, you try it.
Ahem! [Clicking.]
Useyourtongue more.
Like this [Clicking.]
[Clicking.]
Yo, Prince.
I thinkyou and I are really starting to click.
Luckyfor us, I'm an expert in computers.
But normally I use Macintosh.
Doyou know IBM? Really? Me, too! Especially after oatmeal.
OK, B.
J.
, let's try doing a search on Buck Entenille in the insurance industry.
Nope.
Nothing.
B.
J.
, you mightwant to flip - the power switch on.
- Power switch? OK, uh, B.
J.
, doyou mind ifI give it a shot? Go ahead.
It's harder than it looks.
Nothing! I mean, I have tried everything from the Doylestown phone book to Who's Who in Broadway Theater.
What about the military? Well, Notch does have access to the government's top-secret computer system, but we can't get in without his password.
Try "' Notch.
"' OK, doyou really think Notch would use his own name to get into theworld's most secure computer? Mm-hmm.
OK! N-O-T-C-H.
[Alarm Going Off.]
- Oh! Oh, my God, we're in! - Ooh! Chip: It's the National Defense System! Oh, hey, it's a government bulletin.
Buck Entenille is a deranged Vietnam vet who nowworks as a paid assassin forterrorist organizations.
He's been spotted at gun shows, military surplus stores and various men's rooms on the NewJerseyTurnpike.
My God, doyou know what this means? He eats a lot of oatmeal? No, B.
J.
, it means that Captain Entenille's probably out to get someone at the summit.
You see, anyone with halfa brain could disguise himselfas, say, you know, a waiter, and avoid the metal detectors by stowing a weapon, let's say a-- Notch? One minute, Kimberlee.
Let's say a rifle, right? Inside a covered food tray.
No one would ever suspect-- Notch, uh, could-- could we speak toyou up--up top? It's a personal problem.
Has nothing to do with computers orVietnam-- Ouch! Uh, yeah, sure.
Uh, you mind, Captain? No problemo.
I have to go drain the dragon, anyway.
What is it? Chief, it's about this captain guy.
We don't think he is who he says he's supposed to bewho he isn't.
Notch, he is a paid assassin.
That's very perceptive ofyou, Kimberlee.
[Gasps.]
Could have used you in Da Nang.
Esteemed guests, I giveyou So Ho.
So? [Applause.]
Here we are, China and Africa, sitting side by side.
That remind me ofa joke.
One Chinese guy and a blackdude sitting at a bar.
The Chinese guy say, "' Myfavoriteviolinist is Yo-Yo Ma.
" And the blackdude say, "'Yo mama!"' [Audience Laughing And Booing.]
[Both Speaking Native Languages.]
Hey, you two, this ain't JerrySpringer! Sitdown! Sitdown! [All Struggling.]
Buck, you never acted crazy like this back in 'Nam, not even the nightyou were bowling with real human skulls.
They paid me to kill in 'Nam.
And now they're telling me again.
Can you hearthem? "' Kill King Vidor! Kill King Vidor!"' Who's paying you to kill King Vidor? IfI told you that, I'd have to kill you.
Oh, I am killing you.
Oh, myGod, Notch! He's got an alarm clock! Oh, that's no alarm clock.
It's a bomb! Don't go to pieces on me, Johnson.
[Laughing Hysterically.]
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
[Clicking.]
Prince, calm down! I can't understand a word you click.
My ebony goddess, I have a gift foryou.
Ooh! Damn! Is that a ruby? From my homeland of Begonia.
It is the famed Ruby of Begonia.
Marry me,Jamaica.
"' Marry me,Jamaica"'? I've always wanted to hear those words.
But wait.
Is Begonia one ofthose countries where a guy gets to have a lot ofwives? Oh, no.
That place is called Utah.
Whew! I was afraid it was one ofthose places with 7 brides for one brother.
Really? What would that be like? Uh, Prince? Ooh, I'd like to get my hands on that one-eyed snake! That captain is a son ofa bitch! Hey, you watch the locker room language, young man! Wait a second.
I know a son ofa bitch who might be able to help us.
Come here, Steve! [Whistles.]
[Barking.]
Steve, go! Get the bomb! Aah! No, Steve! Not "'the blonde,"' the bomb! Kimberlee: Oh! He actually did what he was told.
Ha ha ha! Ugh! Look at me! I'm a weakling.
Yeah, well, luckyfor us I've been doing the new Rosie O'Donnell Total Workout.
Nnargh! All: Ahh! Now let's go stop an "'assasinination"'! And in conclusion, wewill sign this treaty.
But the problem with signing a treatywith China is that a halfhour later, you want to sign it all over again.
[Audience Laughing.]
Thankyou, King Vidor.
And now, before the signing, I'd like to pat myselfon the back.
Where the click haveyou been?!.
Oh, Father, I have seen wonderful sights, and the mostwonderful sight ofall is this beautiful woman Jamaica St.
Croix.
You have shown her the familyjewels? Yes, Father.
She is to be my princess.
Isn't she a fly-ass hottie? You speak nonsense! This woman is beneath you.
When I get home, whatwill I tell your mother Queen Latifah? I forbid this marriage! [Sobbing.]
Notch: Come on, guys! We're almost there! Guys, guys, guys! Notch Johnson, S.
P.
F.
30! Officer: Sorry, Notch.
It's an emergency! Someone may die.
Jamaica,Jamaica! There's a maniac inside who's going to assassinate King Vidor.
Saywhat?!.
- You gotta stop him.
- Don't worry.
I'm on it! [Crowd Cheering.]
Mayor: I askyou now to sign this historic document.
I hereby hand this quill to King Vidor of Begonia.
- Look out! - What the-- [Panicked Screams.]
Jamaica! Jamaica-- Jamaica, areyou OK? Yeah, it's just a flesh wound.
Get this woman some Bactine! Stat! Jamaica, can you forgive an old fool for being so blind? Yu Ho: Aah! I was wrong aboutyou.
You truly are a princess.
I would be honored to haveyou as my son's wife.
What doyou sayto that, my love? Get mea freaking ambulance! My arm hurts like a mo-fo! Argh! Gang, you take care ofJamaica.
I have to have a word with the captain.
Ooh, Notch! Ow! Buck Attempted murder is a crime in California.
You'll do months forthis.
Prison.
Ha! Lots ofmen lifting weights, showering together You're not gay, areyou, Notch? No.
Good.
Neither am I.
Good-bye, Captain.
Jamaica: Prince, I've been doing some thinking, and I'm down with being a princess, but my crib is here with S.
P.
F.
30.
I'm disappointed.
But not surprised.
UmPrince Would you let me keep the Ruby of Begonia? To remind me ofyou.
Jamaica, you are dope.
Oh, thankyou.
I will always treasure it.
Uh, no, I mean you a dope to think I would letyou keep that ring.
[Clicking.]
[Toilet Flushing.]
Oh, hi, teens! Notch Johnson here.
Tonight's showwas about gays in the military.
You know, ifyou lookdeep into the annals ofmilitary history, and especiallythe Civil War, you'll come across the Battle ofGlory Hole and the story ofgay soldier Private Richard M.
Head.
When Dick Head shot offhis big gun, hewas able towarn Union soldiers about an invasion to their rear.
Nobody asked ifhewas gay or queer orwhy hewore that sequin beret.
No.
Because Dick Head was a solider, and that's all that matters.
Until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying: Ride the big one!