Space Force (2020) s01e10 Episode Script

1 That is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen.
It's desecrating a sacred object.
Agreed.
They just trampled over the American Koran.
Isn't that breaking a US law, even on the moon? US law applies 200 miles from a US flag.
Two hundred miles from the coastline.
Now, is the moon 200 miles away? It is not, and running over a flag is not illegal.
You're not a lawyer, Naird.
I'm a corporate lawyer.
They could argue that we abandoned that flag when we left the moon.
That would make it trash.
Take that back.
I just meant legally.
Obviously, it's not trash.
It's the soul of America.
We should run over one of their flags, tit for tat.
Where we gonna find a Chinese flag on the moon? Make one out of our own? You don't rip up an American flag to create a Chinese flag, you moron.
We need to hit back hard.
We can bomb.
Big bomb, little bomb.
Smart bomb, stupid bomb.
There's one for every occasion.
A flag is a symbol.
You can't kill people for insulting a symbol.
If it were up to me, we'd invade.
I'm talking some serious bull-in-a-China shop action.
Let's knock down the Great Wall they're so proud of.
We got all these weapons.
We're never allowed to use them.
Drives me crazy.
Yeah, I talk to my therapist about this all the time.
Where are we at with nukes? No, no.
We're not going to nuke China.
Could we get back on track here for a second? Does anyone have a valid suggestion to make? We're just joking around, Grandma.
Jeez! Yeah, just blowing off steam there.
Don't be such a pussy.
Wait.
What? No.
No, no, no.
We need to do one of these ideas, at least.
Maybe more, right? Come on! I mean, aren't you guys tired of everybody using us like a doormat? Look, this happened in space, so the response must be in space as well.
- I have consulted a space attorney.
- What the fuck? There's no such thing.
You got scammed.
Now who's the dope? We signed an international outer space treaty.
Any sort of violence and we break that treaty.
We must retaliate.
I will handle it.
POTUS will be very happy.
We will do something significant and proportionate.
I don't think POTUS will be happy with a proportionate response.
Well, then, it'll be a little more than proportionate.
I have taken it upon myself to have a focus group in which we can determine what would be an appropriate response.
Ideally, what would you like to see happen on the moon? Anybody.
Research that benefits mankind.
Yeah.
Okay.
What about you? What about you? Yeah, something that helps everyone and justifies the cost.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What would be an example of something bad that could happen on the moon? Anybody wanna answer that? An accident where a person gets hurt.
Yeah, that would be bad, wouldn't it? Could you ever imagine supporting a war on the moon? No.
That would be a terrible waste.
Really? Do me a favor.
Watch this video real quick.
That's America! Keep watching.
It's not over.
Beep, beep, beep.
Crunch.
Huh? Does nobody respect us? Keep looking.
That is our country they're rolling all over.
Yeah, we have to do something about that.
I mean, maybe not a war, but we should definitely do something.
I'm loving this.
Okay, this is fantastic.
Let's feel out this direction.
Let's keep it going.
Okay, what else? It should be retaliation on the same level.
Like, it should be a prank.
It should be like graffiti! Graffiti? All right, keep going.
That's not bad.
Um ding-dong ditch.
Brown paper bag on fire, but there's poop in it.
- I don't know whose poop.
- Right, okay.
- TP their rocket! - TP their rocket! I love this.
That's what it takes, a 100-year-old white man to make this work! Okay, let's pop it on the board.
Here we go! How can there be no hammers? We must have packed hammers.
No.
None of the big doctor brains packed a hammer.
There are wrenches.
Then use a wrench as a hammer.
That's not how you take care of your wrenches! No toothbrushes or deodorant either, but there are ten years' worth of tampons, for some reason.
Wait.
Young man, what are you using as a shovel? Sir, it's actually Spaceman Obie Hanrahan, sir! And I'm using a metal moon scoop with an adjustable crescent-shaped head, sir! That's a wrench, you dimwit.
Hey, what's that hissing noise? Jesus Uh you have to patch that up immediately, or you'll all die.
The The duct tape's in locker 1.
Dr.
Mallory, the Chinese Space Agency just posted some video of their base.
- Wow.
- Put it on the big screen.
How many pillows do you need? It's already one-sixth gravity.
How many did you serve like this? "How many did you serve like this?" Are you drunk right now? Fine.
You're fired.
Should I tell your dad? You know, sure, dude.
Tell him.
He doesn't have a fucking leg to stand on.
Okay, this is what I learned, and I think you're gonna go crazy for this.
There are three cans of shaving cream on that moon base, and there's two cans of hairspray.
If we just switch those nozzles, we can cause some serious mischief.
It's not enough.
They trampled our flag.
What else you got? Okay, your eyebrows tested poorly in men and women ages six to 45.
Why are you testing my eyebrows? It was unsolicited.
People just want to talk about your eyebrows.
The joint chiefs are on the phone in the conference room.
They want an update.
How's it going, General? Every news outlet on the planet is showing some Chinese rover doing donuts on our most sacred cloth.
We need a quick military response.
- Oorah! - Hooah! - Hooyah! - Hooyah! Booyah! You have the go-ahead to attack the Chinese base.
How do you wanna do it? Our lead suggestion from the focus group would be to shaving-cream the shit out of them.
And if that's not enough, we also have the capability to TP as well.
And possibly graffiti the side of their base with "China sucks".
Sound good? - Oora - No! No, no, no.
We need to burn that Chinese base to the ground.
I thought that's why you brought an arsonist! Well, not really, obviously.
Yes, really, obviously! This This has been debated in the policy circles as high up in the administration as you can think! It's time to stand tough! Look, nobody wants to get back at these commie bastards more than I do, but breaking a treaty with a reprisal attack of unwarranted destruction, and putting noncombatant scientists in harm's way Mmm That's like three violations of the Geneva Convention.
Okay, look.
I'm not a professional politician, but this European International Treaty, come on! Don't get captured like a bunch of losers, and you don't have to worry about how they treat you.
How about we just continue to look for some more creative solutions? Yeah, well, I think destroying the base is lame, and it's a war crime, uh, which you should never ever do.
- All right, look! - Uh, okay.
You have your orders, Naird! I need a complete outline and strategy for this battle plan to destroy this Chinese base, and I need it shock, I need awe, and I need it in PDF, 'cause my computer doesn't have Word.
God.
So that is the order from the top.
You can't do that.
These are scientists and astronauts.
I have to.
It's the chain of command.
Mark, they just named the flat area where we landed the Plains of Mallory.
Oh, that is so cool.
Congrats.
Thank you.
But now, it could become the site of the first moon atrocity.
I don't want to read that in a textbook.
Yeah, nobody wants that.
I'm sure cooler heads will prevail.
Just some saber-rattling.
The next resupply can't launch for a month, so hopefully, they'll have the time to cool off before the guns show up.
Yeah.
Captain Ali, I'd like you to look in locker 5.
It says "spare oxygen".
Just open it.
Okay, but we do have spare oxygen somewhere, right? What do you want us to do with these, General? I'm not sure yet.
Just, uh, show everyone how to use them.
Make sure they're cleaned and loaded.
Yes, sir.
Loading and cleaning guns.
Feels like no matter what I start doing, I always end up loading and cleaning guns.
I haven't been allowed to touch one of these in forever.
I just hope the general knows what he's doing.
What if the Chinese have guns? No.
They're a research center.
So are we.
You already have guns on board? No toothbrushes, but room for guns? You lied to me, Naird! General Naird, Chief Scientist! They were for self-defense.
Oh, sure they were! Sometimes, provocation requires a show of force! Neville Chamberlain didn't do that, and Hitler invaded Poland! Not everything is World War II! Well, not everything is Vietnam! I thought you were one of the good guys, with your John Wayne swagger.
But you're no John Wayne.
You are Wayne John! - Who? - Wayne John! Wayne John! I worked with him at IBM! He stole pencils! My pencils! If you had any integrity at all, you would quit! The person in line behind me will be even worse! I know I'm not perfect, but I know I'm not the worst.
Well, you take that up with your next chief scientist.
- I quit! - Adrian! Adrian! Adrian! Adrian! Adrian! Rocky! Rocky! Right? Hey, Captain Ali.
Whoa.
What up, stalker? Just sitting there all creepy, staring at me.
How long have you been watching me, huh? Do you watch me sleep, too? Do you want me to be watching you? Uh, no.
Gross.
I was just messing around.
Well, that's not the story your heart rate is telling.
I'm going into battle tomorrow.
Anyway, um, I kind of thought you were calling me with an "I just want you to know".
A what? You know, an "I just want you to know".
It's like when people are like, "If we never see each other again, I just want you to know, like, how I feel".
Um You know that all communications with the launch room are recorded for posterity, Captain? Okay.
No.
Copy that, Scientist.
Yes, loud and clear, and never mind.
Actually, Chief Scientist now.
Dr.
Mallory quit today.
Oh, wow.
I mean Congratulations, I guess.
But I also can't help thinking that means I'm fucked.
No.
You're a superhero.
And the queen of TikTok.
The what? It's good to be black on the moon.
Goddamn it.
Okay.
I cannot believe that's only like the tenth weirdest thing about today.
Thanks for showing me.
Yeah.
Well, I just wanted you to know.
That I'm a meme? Yeah! You know, in case, like, we never see each other again, I just wanted you to know.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Is there any, uh, sauce? I forgot the sauce.
Oh, that's no problem.
Do you have any cheese or, uh, is there salad? Mark, you said you were a good cook.
Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
I'm not gonna eat this.
I'm not two years old.
I apologize.
My focus is off.
- What's up? - Adrian Mallory quit today.
Why? Did you make him dinner? He didn't like something that the military was doing.
Oh, well, he sounds like a spoiled little shit.
Sometimes he is, but not this time.
Well, will he come back if you stop doing what you're doing? Ah, I can't.
It was an order.
No, what are you doing? Mark, what are you No, no, no.
Stop it.
Stop.
I cannot let you eat that.
It's barely cooked.
It's crunchy.
Oh, God.
Here.
No, no, no.
No, no.
I may be called upon to make a decision that I have to be completely sober for.
It's not about sex, is it? 'Cause I don't mind if you're tipsy.
I have to be prepared to order soldiers into battle.
Can't really talk about it.
I don't know what to do.
When you asked me out, you knew you had to tell me about your wife.
Even though it would probably ruin things.
You literally couldn't do the wrong thing.
So I'm not worried about you.
What if I don't know what the right thing to do is? But you do.
Don't you? Help me defy an order.
Ooh.
That is where I shine.
I've been defying authority since I was 13.
And now I'm gonna teach you to use the most subversive weapon known to man: passive-aggression.
Oh, God, I hate that.
Yeah, of course, because you're a straight white male, you always had other weapons.
But the rest of us, we have to be subtle in our disobedience, or we risk punishment.
Oh, so interesting.
Go on.
I'm so interested.
No, see, that's sarcasm.
That's different.
Imagine in this situation, you could say that you're following through with the order, but then you forget to, or you can interpret that order creatively.
"Destroy the bathroom" could mean a number of things and, if all else fails, you can feign incompetent, which shouldn't be a problem.
Well, that explains Brad, doesn't it? Not entirely.
Huh.
- What are we to do? - I'll handle it! He'll handle it.
Mr.
Secretary, I just want to let you know before we begin, that I am running low on cell battery, so I may lose you.
Uh, here's the situation as it stands.
Well done, sir.
Nobody answer the phone for the next two hours.
Yes, sir.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
Got a smoke? Can't buy your own? I can.
Just don't feel like it.
Tell you what.
I'll give it to you in my truck.
Come on.
We're going to a party.
Fuck it.
I've got it.
Beijing is hosting the Winter Olympics 2022.
We boycott.
Then they win even more medals.
No, China's surprisingly awful at Winter Olympic sports.
But boy-oh-boy, Norway would be happy.
Okay, say you are a criminal.
What would be meaner than TP-ing somebody's house, but not as aggressive as home invasion-slash-murder? Tying the family up and letting them think they're gonna be murdered.
Then they live with the fear and horror forever.
Jesus, Brad.
No wonder my dogs are scared of you.
Uh, excuse me, General, sir.
The Sec Def is on in the conference room for you.
Balls! All right, tell him I'll be right there.
Put him on hold.
- What are you gonna say? - I'm not gonna say anything.
I'm gonna go eat egg salad sandwiches until I puke.
Uh Hey.
Hey! Hey, I think, um, you can just let me out, like, right here.
That's That's totally fine.
Hey.
You guys.
Hey! Let me out here, okay? Excuse me! Can you please let me out? Fucking kidding me! What the hell? Did you guys not hear me yelling? They're stonewalling us.
Where Where Where's Grabaston? In the air and ready to swoop in! Big Eagle is ready to replace the Dodo Bird! I like what you said up there.
I wish I was black on the moon.
Thank you, sir.
Captain, when we first met, you disobeyed an order.
Yeah, I remember it well, sir.
Today, I'm thinking about doing the same.
This is being recorded, General.
The generation that won World War II was exposed to so much awful reality that they made mostly good decisions for a long time after.
Forget history, and you are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past.
Forget how bad polio was, people stop taking vaccines.
Forget how bad world wars are, people start puffing out their chests.
The real enemy is arrogance.
Angela, I think there are springs and bolts and such in those Manchester Arms devices that would be better used to build your habitat.
I'd like you to disassemble them and let Eddie use the parts.
You're telling me to to take the guns apart, which would disable them, General.
That is correct.
Thin ice, General.
Thin ice.
ID? Step aside, Gomer.
Sir, I need to see some Space Force ID to let anyone inside.
Here is my Space Force ID.
And a second ID with a photo.
A passport, Costco card.
If you have to run on home Oh, for fuck's sakes, restrain him.
Gladly.
General Naird! You were ordered to order an attack, and I am ordering you to obey that order.
I'm not your waitress, Kick.
I'm going to count to 125.
Just count to three.
Counting to 125 will give you ample time to think it over.
This is wrong, Kick.
Deep down, you know it, too.
I don't give a shit.
Arrest him.
And don't try to run, Naird, or we'll shoot you in the back.
Get me whoever is in charge up there.
Her name is Captain Ali, sir.
Captain Ali, you are hereby ordered to attack the Chinese base.
Can't, sir.
Guns are disabled.
The barrels are now water pipes, and the springs are in the thermostats.
Naird that's treason.
It's not treason to disobey an unlawful order.
Well, there must be something else you can use as weapons.
We have a crazy amount of wrenches.
The big brainiac packed wrench after wrench.
Go get 'em.
Bigger the better.
Sir, where is General Naird? I am in command now.
It's wrenchin' time.
It, um It looks like we're actually doing this.
Everybody suit up.
Boots on the moon.
Boots on the moon.
Julio! - Spacesuit.
- Oh.
Yes.
Oh, okay.
Hey, Bug, it's not really a good time.
Dad, Dad, I'm in the desert, west of town, with some sketchy dudes.
Erin, it doesn't sound like you're making good choices.
You have to make good choices.
It wasn't.
It was a terrible choice, but I need you to come get me, okay? You said I could always call you if I needed a ride.
I know, I know I did.
But I can't come right now.
I've been arrested.
What? No.
Mom was arrested.
Yeah, I'm aware of that.
I'm I have been, too.
I'm sorry.
Well, that's great! Both my parents are in jail, and I can't get a tattoo.
Okay.
Honey! Honey! God.
Fu All right.
Yeah.
Duncan, it's Erin.
Can you come get me? No.
I'm sitting next to your dad.
I got arrested, too.
Fuck! For the record, I am against this action.
Someone's taking notes, right? This is all Kick's baby now.
We can't let this happen.
Fuck Tony, come with me.
My name is Dr.
Adrian Mallory.
I am the former Chief Scientist of Space Force.
And if the world does not stop this madness, I will set myself on fire! Yes, the entire world is listening.
This is your moment.
I'll give you one chance to change course! Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Don't you try and stop me, Brad! I am doing it! Okey-dokey.
Well, you're a better man than I'll ever be.
Wait.
Don't Goodbye! Okay, so what's in the can.
Is it gasoline? Yes, this is gas.
I guess the first step would be to sprinkle it on your pants.
So I suppose I should do that now? Yeah.
Oh, Jesus.
If you need help, I can help you out.
Here Thank you, Fuck Tony, but you know what? I I think I've proven what I wanted to prove.
I mean, let's face it.
At the end of the day, I think I'm done.
I'm good.
We're already here.
We got the gasoline.
No, I know, but it's I'm good.
It's fine.
Thank you.
Mom, I'm in trouble, and Dad and the only other guy I know who could help are useless.
Well, don't tell me that when I can't do anything.
Jesus, honey! Mommy, I'm scared.
Erin, you're gonna have to handle this one on your own.
Fuck.
Do you have your lighter in your pocket? Or are you just glad to see me? What? I have it.
Okay.
Okay.
Good.
Good.
Good.
There you go.
Okay.
Okay.
Fuck.
Fuck! Jesus! Erin, no helmet? I know.
Sorry.
- So, who doesn't have your back? - Okay, yes.
- You're my hero.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It looks deserted.
Okay.
Let's do this thing.
Wait.
Dad, do you see something down there in the gully? Oh, my God.
- Maggie? - Whoo! - Mom! - Hi! I escaped! Just came to save you! Sweetie! Oh, you guys! - This is Louise.
- Hi.
She's been very helpful.
This is great! We're all together.
And Louise.
Tell General Grabaston we've rendered the Chinese moon base inoperable.
Destroyed the life-support systems, breached the capsule walls in all pods, and released the oxygen as ordered.
We are returning with their extra stores and will prepare to receive the scientists as refugees at the US base.
Oh, shit! Captain Ali? Now what do we do? You have one new message.
Uh, sir, I noticed that you escaped, which is great.
Congrats.
I don't believe you're a traitor.
No matter, you know, what they're saying.
I don't wanna worry you, but the spacemen are just a little tiny bit fucked.
So if you could maybe sneak back and give us a hand, you know, it'd be great.
But, you know, of course, you'll probably be court-martialed if you come back, so tough choice.
Ooh.
I wouldn't wanna be in your shoes.
Bang, bang, shoot 'em up, destiny Bang, bang, shoot 'em up to the moon Bang, bang, shoot 'em up, one, two, three One, two, three, four I wanted to be a spaceman, that's what I wanted to be But now that I am a spaceman, nobody cares about me Hey, Mother Earth, won't'cha bring me back down Safely to the sea? Around and around and around and around is all she ever say to me I wanted to make a good run I wanted to go to the moon I knew that it had to be fun I told 'em to send me real soon I wanted to be a spaceman I wanted to be it so bad But now that I am a spaceman I'd rather be back on the pad Hey, Mother Earth, won't'cha bring me back down Safely to the sea? Around and around and around and around is just a lot of lunacy Yeah Yeah 'Round and around and around and around and around So bring me back down 'Round and around and around and around and around Safe on the ground