Spin City s01e10 Episode Script
The Competition
(LASER GUNS SHOOTING) THAT'S RIGHT.
GO AHEAD.
PLAY, RECREATE.
JUST TELL ME IF I'M IN YOUR WAY.
ACTUALLY, MIKE, I COULD USE A HOSTAGE.
WE GOT 2 DAYS TILL THANKSGIVING.
NOBODY GETS ANY WORK DONE.
OH, I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.
YOU'RE STARING AT A 4-DAY WEEKEND.
YOU'RE THINKING, HEY, 4 WHOLE DAYS.
WHY NOT MAKE IT 5? SO THEN YOU'RE AT 5 MENTALLY, YOU LOOK AROUND, NO ONE SEEMS TOO TICKED OFF, SO YOU THINK, WHY NOT GO FOR 6? AM I RIGHT? BASICALLY.
YEAH.
I KNOW HOW YOUR MINDS WORK.
I WAS A LOW-LEVEL GRUNT MYSELF ONCE.
THANKS.
JUST KNOWING YOU CARE.
LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS VERY REVEALING.
THE YOUNGEST MEMBER OF STAFF IS THE ONLY ONE WORKING.
MISS YOU, TOO, HONEY.
YEAH.
GOTTA GO.
I'M KISSING YOU BACK.
I GOTTA GO.
I REALLY-- YEAH.
UH-HUH.
LOVE YOU A LOT.
BYE-BYE.
I WISH YOU HADN'T DONE THAT.
(INHALES DEEPLY) YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? I NEVER SAID I LOVED HER BEFORE.
WELL, I GOT YOU OVER THAT HUMP.
SHE'S MY HIGH-SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND.
SHE'S STILL BACK IN WISCONSIN.
SHE THINKS SHE THINKS THAT SHE THINKS WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
PLEASE.
GO ON.
GO ON.
THIS IS, UH THIS IS WHY I GOT INTO POLITICS.
WE'VE BEEN DATING ON AND OFF FOREVER.
I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT SHE WANTS FROM ME.
AT THIS POINT I'M JUST THINKING SHH.
THAT WAS SARCASM.
IT WAS.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN GOING WITH HER? YOU NEVER SAID YOU LOVED HER? NO.
I TALKED WITH HER FOR 30 SECONDS, AND I TOLD HER.
I KNOW, STUART, BUT IT'S HARD.
I KNOW THAT I'M READY TO MOVE ON.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO HURT HER FEELINGS.
YOU KNOW, JAMES, IF I MAY, YOU'RE JUST TOO NICE A GUY.
TAKE IT FROM ANOTHER NICE GUY.
YOU'RE ONLY HURTING YOURSELF.
NO, JUST TELL HER SHE'LL ALWAYS HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN YOUR HEART, BUT YOU'RE NOT THE ONE FOR HER.
SHE SHOULD FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES HER THE WAY SHE DESERVES TO BE LOVED.
WHAT AM I, SOME KIND OF SAVAGE? ALL RIGHT.
GET OFF MY BACK.
I'M ONLY REPEATING WHAT I HEARD LAST NIGHT.
STORM'S COMING, MIKE.
WELL, LISA, LISA.
ALWAYS NICE TO SEE ONE OF THE CITY COUNCIL STAFFERS.
A FINE MORNING, ISN'T IT? I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT THANKSGIVING.
OK.
I'M SURPRISED YOU DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT OUR FOREFATHERS CAME OVER ON A BIG BOAT THE CONTEST.
THE MAYOR'S CHARITY THANKSGIVING DINNER AGAINST THE CITY COUNCIL'S.
YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
SIMPLE SCORING SYSTEM.
ONE MAN, ONE MEAL, SECONDS DON'T COUNT, DESSERTS ARE OPTIONAL.
WHOEVER FEEDS THE MOST PEOPLE WINS.
I ALWAYS ENJOY OUR LITTLE COMPETITIVE EVENTS.
I MEAN, THE VOLLEYBALL, THE TOUCH FOOTBALL, YOUR PERSONAL FAVORITE, THE GRECO-ROMAN WRESTLING, BUT I'M A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE IDEA BETTING ON WHO CAN FEED THE MOST HOMELESS PEOPLE.
WHY DON'T WE JUST LINE THEM UP AND RACE THEM? COME ON, FLAHERTY.
WE'LL STILL BE DOING GOOD.
IT'S JUST A PERK THAT I GET TO KICK YOUR BUTT AGAIN.
I PROMISE YOU, IT WON'T BE AS BAD AS THE TIME I STRUCK YOU OUT IN SLOW-PITCH SOFTBALL.
I HATE WHEN YOU BRING THAT UP.
I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT WHEN ONE IS SO CONTINUOUSLY BEATEN, YOU LOSE THE WILL TO EVEN COMPETE.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL BE IN MY OFFICE.
YOU GIVE ME A CALL IF YOU GET THE STONES TO GET IN THE GAME.
OOH! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? DID SHE JUST QUESTION MY STONES? I DON'T BELIEVE THAT WOMAN.
I THINK I'M IN LOVE.
YOU KNOW, MIKE, I'M JUST GLAD YOU DIDN'T STOOP TO HER LEVEL.
THIS IS ABOUT FEEDING PEOPLE IN NEED, NOT ABOUT WHO LOSES AND WHO WINS.
OH, WE'RE GOING TO WIN, JAMES.
WE'RE GOING TO WIN BIG.
HEY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T GET ONE OF THESE SOONER.
PERFECT EXERCISE COMPANION FOR A MAYOR ON THE GO.
IT'S A SMALL DEMOGRAPHIC, DON'T YOU THINK, SIR? I CAN MAKE PHONE CALLS, WATCH TV, READ THE NEWSPAPER.
HEY, WATCH ME READ, MIKE.
I'M WALKING AND READING.
WHOA! BET YOU CAN'T DO THIS IN CENTRAL PARK, HUH? WHAT HAVE YOU GOT LINED UP FOR ME ON THE THANKSGIVING FRONT? YOU HAVE THE PHOTO OP IN FRONT OF GRACIE MANSION WITH THE TURKEY.
I DON'T LIKE TO MEET MY FOOD BEFORE I EAT IT, MIKE.
OH, NO.
THIS GUY'S JUST FOR SHOW, SIR.
YOU WON'T BE EATING HIM.
YOU'LL BE EATING HIS BROTHER.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING.
SINCE THIS IS OUR FIRST THANKSGIVING IN OFFICE, I'D LIKE TO DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL FOR THE LESS FORTUNATE.
WELL, WE, UH WE, UHWE HAVE THAT LITTLE COMPETITION WITH THE CITY COUNCIL, SIR, THE ANNUAL CHARITY DINNER.
OH, GREAT.
COUNT ME IN.
WHAT'S THE WAGER? ONE OF THOSE PAPERWEIGHTS-- NEW YORK SKYLINE IN A BUBBLE.
YOU SHAKE IT UP AND IT SNOWS.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THE MAY-- WHY AM I YELLING? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THE MAYOR'S OFFICE GOT IT? WELL, I DID A LITTLE RESEARCH, YOUR HONOR.
IT WAS, UH ABOUT 13 YEARS AGO.
WE'RE IN OFFICE NOW, AND I SAY CRUSH THEM, HUH? THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
HEY, LOOK AT YOU, SIR.
YOU'RE WALKING AND DIALING.
WALKING AND DIALING.
SPEAKER ROSEN, PLEASE.
I BET ROSEN DOESN'T DO EVERY DAY.
HE'S SHAPED LIKE A GIANT PEAR, BIG OLD BLUBBERY-- SAUL! IT'S RANDALL.
I'M CALLING ABOUT THE KIDS' LITTLE BAKEOFF.
WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU AND I MAKE THINGS A LITTLE MORE INTERESTING? WE'VE GOT 2 LOCATIONS LINED UP-- ST.
MARY'S CHURCH AND ST.
STEPHEN'S CHURCH.
IT'S 1996, WHICH IS AN EVEN-NUMBERED YEAR, SO THE MAYOR'S OFFICE HAS FIRST PICK.
UH, GREAT.
WE'LL, UH WE'LL TAKE ST.
MARY'S.
THEN WE'VE GOT ST.
STEPHEN'S.
YES! YES.
SO WE'VE GOT ALPHABET CITY, WE GET THE EAST VILLAGE, WE GET THE BOWERY, AND YOU HAVE THE LINCOLN CENTER CROWD.
MAYBE THEY'LL DROP BY AFTER THE OPERA.
YOU'VE GOT ST.
MARY'S.
GOOD.
SO, NOW, I'VE TYPED UP A MEMO-- WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT.
WAIT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ST.
MARY'S? NOTHING.
ALL RIGHT.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
I WANT ST.
STEPHEN'S.
FINE.
SO, NOW, AS I WAS SAYING-- ACTUALLY, IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU, I WILL KEEP THE LOWER EAST SIDE AND ST.
STEPHEN'S.
THAT'S ST.
MARY'S.
YOU BET IT IS.
BE MY GUEST.
WHAT AREN'T YOU TELLING ME? GAVE YOU MY MEMO, YOU'RE OK WITH THE LOWER EAST SIDE, EVERYTHING IS ALL SET.
NO, NO.
WAIT.
WAIT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
I WANT ST.
STEPHEN'S.
WHATEVER.
DID YOU JUST TRICK ME? I DON'T KNOW.
YOU TELL ME.
ALL RIGHT.
OK.
THIS ISN'T FAIR.
BECAUSE THIS ISN'T ABOUT WINNING OR LOSING.
THIS IS ABOUT DOING GOOD.
THIS IS ABOUT HELPING PEOPLE.
YOU JUST KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT.
MY BOSS ASSIGNED ME TO CITY HALL FOR 2 DAYS.
THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON.
EVERYBODY IS WALKING AROUND TALKING ABOUT A CHARITY DINNER.
YOU KNOW, IF I'M A VIEWER, I WANT TO SEE THAT DINNER, ESPECIALLY THE HANDSOME MAN WHO HELPED ORGANIZE IT.
MIKE, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS? NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU.
THANK YOU, HONEY.
THAT'S COMFORTING.
EXCEPT ME.
LOOK, I DON'T THINK YOU GET THIS.
IF I CAN GET ONE HOT, EDGY STORY, I AM IN THIS SLOT PERMANENTLY.
YOU KNOW, JANET, SHE MOVED TO BOSTON.
WOW, THAT'S BIG.
WHO'S JANET? YOU KNOW.
SHE'S A REPORTER WHO COVERS CITY HALL FOR MY STATION.
TALL, BLOND, GREAT BODY.
JANET MOVED? I--I--I--I MEAN, YOU REALLY THINK SHE'S GOT A GOOD BODY? I NEVER NOTICED.
IN THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON, THE MAYOR'S OFFICE AND THE SPEAKER'S OFFICE WILL EACH SPONSOR A FREE THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR MEMBERS OF THE COMMUNITY.
CANNED GOODS CAN BE DROPPED OFF AT CITY HALL OUTSIDE THE MAYOR'S OFFICE.
OR AT SPEAKER ROSEN'S OFFICE.
THE MAYOR'S OFFICE, OF COURSE, IS CONVENIENTLY LOCATED ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
WE'RE ALSO ON THE FIRST FLOOR, CLOSER TO THE DOOR.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A MAN STANDING ON THE STEPS OUTSIDE WITH A LARGE CARDBOARD BOX.
YES? WHAT SORT OF A MENU WILL YOU BE SERVING? THE MAYOR'S OFFICE WILL BE SERVING THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY DINNER WITH ALL THE FIXIN'S.
THE SPEAKER'S OFFICE WILL BE OFFERING A CHOICE OF TURKEY, HAM, OR SAUSAGE WITH MORE FIXIN'S.
YES, ASHLEY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY REAL NEWS FOR US TODAY? WE'RE HAVING PUMPKIN PIE.
WE'RE HAVING COBBLER.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
ZERO HOUR APPROACHES.
TOMORROW WE GO OUT THERE, AND WE FEED A HUNGRY CITY.
WHOSE PUMPKIN PIE IS THIS? UH, THAT'S MINE.
THAT'S A STORE-BOUGHT PIE, ISN'T IT? ANYBODY ELSE HERE BUY THEIR DESSERTS? HUH! I ASSUMED YOU MADE YOURS.
YEAH.
THE GAY GUY'S THE ONLY ONE WHO BAKES.
I ALSO KNIT THOSE LITTLE NAPKINS, YOU PUTZ.
YOU GUYS WANT TO WIN THIS THING OR NOT? Stuart: YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER.
I TOLD THE MAYOR WE WERE GOING TO DELIVER FOR HIM.
I EVEN GOT HIM TO UP THE BET.
WHEN THE CITY COUNCIL LOSES, THEY GOT TO STAND UP AT THE NEXT COUNCIL MEETING AND SING THE SONG OF OUR CHOICE FROM WEST SIDE STORY.
HA HA HA! I HOPE IT'S I FEEL PRETTY.
I LOVE THAT SONG.
SO THEY HAVE TO DO THIS AT AN OFFICIAL MEETING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS? WAIT A SECOND.
IF WE LOSE, DO WE HAVE TO SING A SONG, MIKE? NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NOT FROM WEST SIDE STORY.
OH, MIKE! I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL KILL MYSELF WHERE I STAND IF IT'S FROM CATS.
THE SOUND OF MUSIC.
Stuart: OH, GOD! IT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH WE HAD TO BUY THEM BEER AFTER THEY BEAT US IN SOFTBALL? IT WASN'T THAT BAD.
FOREVER! WE HAVE TO BUY THEM BEER FOREVER! JUST LOOK AT YOU PEOPLE.
IT'S LIKE YOU LOST ALREADY.
I AM NOT GOING TO STAND HERE AND LISTEN TO NEGATIVE TALK.
NOT ME.
NOT THIS GUY.
I'M GOING DOWN TO THAT CHURCH, I'M GOING TO DO A LITTLE RECON, THEN I'M GOING TO GET US READY AND LEAD US DOWN THE PATH TO VICTORY! NOW, WHO'S WITH ME? WHO WANTS TO SKIP OUT A FEW HOURS OF WORK? AREN'T YOU GOING TO GO PLAY SPY WITH THE OLDER BOYS? I'VE GOT TO FINISH THIS LETTER TO BECKY.
I THINK THIS IS IT.
I'M TRYING TO LET HER DOWN GENTLY.
YOU'VE BEEN SEEING HER FOR 7 YEARS.
GENTLY IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.
IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? SHE'S PROBABLY IN WISCONSIN THINKING THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE ONE.
I MEANT IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS FOR ME.
I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO BE MR.
NICE GUY, BUT YOU'LL MAKE IT MUCH HARDER FOR HER IN THE LONG RUN.
YOU DON'T THINK-- NO.
ANY TIME OVER VOCAL CONTACT.
HELLO, IS BECKY THERE, PLEASE? HELLO, JAMES.
WOW, WHAT A CONNECTION.
SHE'S BEHIND ME, ISN'T SHE? HI, BECKY.
SHE TRICKED ME! I LIKE IT.
IT SCREAMS "WITCH'S COTTAGE IN THE FOREST.
" YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE KITCHEN AT ST.
MARY'S.
COMPLETELY REMODELED! SPOTLESS! PAUL! PAUL! CHROME FIXTURES-- DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE.
THIS IS DOABLE.
IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
IF YOU WANT TO GET TETANUS, IT'S DEFINITELY DOABLE.
(CARTER COUGHING) MIKE, HI! I SEE YOU'VE FOUND THE "KITCHEN.
" OH, YEAH, IT WAS EASY.
WE JUST FOLLOWED THE BREAD CRUMBS THROUGH THE FOREST.
I WASN'T EVEN GOING TO ATTEMPT A CHURCH SWITCH, BUT WE WERE IN YOUR OFFICE, AND IT WAS RIGHT THERE.
"I WANT ST.
MARY'S!" "I WANT ST.
STEPHEN'S!" "I WANT ST.
MARY'S!" WHAT'S A POOR GIRL TO DO? WE KNEW IT WAS LIKE THIS.
THAT'S WHY WE PICKED IT.
WE LOVE THIS! YEAH, RIGHT.
JUST LIKE YOU MEANT TO MISS THAT LAST PITCH BY ABOUT 3 FEET.
I HATE WHEN SHE BRINGS THAT UP! WE HAD GREAT THANKSGIVINGS AT MY FAMILY.
IT WASN'T ALWAYS THAT WAY.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I ACTUALLY CAME OUT ON THANKSGIVING.
OH, HOW'D YOU PULL THAT OFF? VERY SUBTLE.
"DAD, GREAT JOB CARVING THE TURKEY.
I'M A HOMOSEXUAL.
" WELL, EVERY YEAR, I GO TO MY SISTER'S HOUSE, HUG HER 3 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN, THEN MY FAMILY GATHERS ROUND, TIES ME TO A CHAIR, AND ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY I'M NOT MARRIED YET.
HEY.
ME, MY MOM, MY DAD, AND A BIG BOX OF WINE.
FIRST "I HATE YOU" COMES OUT AROUND 9:30.
OK, GUYS.
WELL, YOU GOT 2 OPTIONS: YOU CAN EITHER GO IN HERE AND START WORKING, OR CAN STAND HERE AND START LEARNING EDELWEISS.
WE WOULD HAVE GONE IN, MIKE, BUT WE DIDN'T WANT TO DISTURB THE RATS.
THEY'RE DECORATING FOR THEIR CHRISTMAS PARTY.
O YE OF LITTLE FAITH.
GEEZ! MIKE, WHAT DID YOU DO? ROB AN APPLIANCE STORE? MADE A FEW CALLS.
LOOK, WE HAVE PLATES AND UTENSILS OVER THERE, AND EVERY COOKING IMPLEMENT KNOWN TO MAN.
WE GOT A SPATULA.
WE GOT YOUR, UH YOUR, UH YOUR SQUIRTY THING.
THESE ARE TECHNICAL TERMS, BUT I KNOW YOU'LL CATCH ON.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) HELLO.
BIG DADDY TO HOME BASE.
BIG DADDY TO HOME BASE.
COME IN, PAUL.
BIG DADDY DOES NOT COPY.
PAUL, I CAN HEAR YOU PERFECTLY.
STILL NOT COPYING.
PAUL (SOFTLY) COME IN, BIG DADDY.
ROGER, HOME BASE.
WHAT'S THE SITUATION OVER THERE? THEY'VE ALREADY STARTED COOKING, OK? I'LL CHECK IN AGAIN LATER.
THIS IS BIG DADDY-- (MIKE DISCONNECTS) ALL RIGHT, LISA'S ALREADY STARTED.
WE GOT TO GET MOVING.
I GOT A REFRIGERATED TRUCK OUT BACK.
I GOT 30 BIRDS.
ALL GUTLESS, HEADLESS, AND HAPPY TO BE HERE.
I'LL COORDINATE EVERYTHING.
I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE COOKING.
I'LL DO IT.
THAT'S THE KIND OF ENTHUSIASM I'M LOOKING FOR.
YOU LIKE TO COOK? NO.
BUT I DO SO LOVE BEING IN CHARGE.
NOW, FETCH ME SOME SPICES AND SOME PANS AND, WHAT THE HELL, GIVE ME THAT SQUIRTY THING.
YOU CAN'T COOK AT ALL, CAN YOU? NOT A LICK.
I THOUGHT THE SUBWAY WAS NICE, AND I REALLY LIKE THE SOUP KITCHEN, BUT SINCE I'M ONLY IN TOWN FOR 2 DAYS, MAYBE WE COULD SEE SOMETHING ELSE.
I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, BECKY.
THERE'S REALLY NOT THAT MUCH TO SEE IN NEW YORK.
LISTEN, BECKY OK, THIS ISN'T EASY FOR ME TO SAY, BUT, UH-- YOU KNOW, I'M SO GLAD I CAME TO SEE YOU.
I'VE BEEN REALLY DEPRESSED LATELY.
YOU REMEMBER MY CAT MR.
TUGGLES? HE DIED.
HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
I MEAN, BESIDES YOU.
(GIGGLING) THAT MAKES THINGS DIFFICULT.
MY FAMILY TOTALLY RALLIED AROUND ME, THOUGH.
IT WAS FUNNY BECAUSE MY MOM GAVE ME A CAT, AND MY SISTER GAVE ME A CAT.
IT REALLY CHEERED ME UP.
AW, THAT'S GREAT.
SO WHAT I WAS SAYING TO YOU IS THAT-- OF COURSE, THEY DIDN'T GET ALONG.
NO, OF COURSE, THEY DIDN'T.
IN FACT, THE CAT MY SISTER GAVE ME ACTUALLY KILLED THE CAT MY MOM GAVE ME.
YOU DON'T SAY.
HEY, WAIT, WAIT-- IS THAT RIGHT? ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY ABILITY TO DO SIMPLE ARITHMETIC? WHY, IT'S JUST, UH I DON'T KNOW.
THAT NUMBER SEEMS A LITTLE LOW.
PERHAPS YOU'RE NOT FOLLOWING MY SYSTEM.
WHENEVER A PERSON WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR, I PUT A MARK ON THE BOARD.
I RESPECT YOUR POSITION AS OUR TEAM'S IMPARTIAL COUNTER.
I TOOK A PLEDGE, MIKE.
YEAH, I APPRECIATE THAT.
I WAS THINKING MAYBE YOU COULD COME UP WITH A MORE EFFECTIVE SYSTEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU REALIZE THE DEPTHS YOU'VE SUNKEN TO? I WAS HERE FIRST.
NO, I WAS! DON'T PUSH ME! WILL YOU SHUT UP? THAT'S 2.
I CAN'T BREAK UP WITH HER.
I MEAN, WHAT WOULD I SAY? WELL, FIRST OFF, YOU SHOULD TELL THAT GIRL TO THINK ABOUT GETTING A DOG NEXT TIME.
JAMES, YOU CAN'T KEEP STRINGING HER ALONG.
YOU'VE GOT TO SAY SOMETHING.
SAY NOTHING.
KEEP MISS IN-LOVE-WITH-YOU ON YOUR BACK BURNER.
MY BACK BURNER.
YEAH.
YOU SEE, THE HOT STUFF, THE STUFF I PAY ATTENTION TO I KEEP ON MY FRONT BURNERS, BUT I ALWAYS HAVE A FEW LONELY POTS SIMMERING IN THE BACK, YEARNING FOR ME TO STIR THEM.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, STUART.
YEAH, WELL, SOMETIMES A GIRL'S JUST HAPPY TO BE ON THE STOVE.
WHERE'S MY DAMN POULTRY? IT'S STILL COOKING.
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
JUST TURN THE OVEN UP.
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) I'M GIVING IT ALL SHE'S GOT, CAPTAIN! COME IN, TALK TO ME, BIG DADDY.
MIKE, THEY'RE WRAPPING IT UP HERE.
I DON'T THINK THEY'RE SERVING ANYMORE.
PAUL, ARE YOU EATING? NO.
WHY? JUST GIVE ME THE FINAL NUMBER.
THEY'VE HAD 247 VERY SATISFIED CUSTOMERS.
OK, THEY'RE AT 247.
WE HAVE 245.
NO! NO, I WILL NOT LOSE TO THIS WOMAN AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME? THANK YOU.
LOOK WHO I FOUND: SOME MORE HUNGRY SETTLERS.
GREAT, SIR.
THAT PUTS US OVER THE TOP.
GREAT! LET'S HAVE AT THAT TURKEY.
TURKEY! AH, CARTER, HOW MUCH TIME DO WE HAVE? HOLD ON, UH, OK, OK YOU'VE GOT EXACTLY 2 MINUTES.
MIKE! MIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S NOT READY YET.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL JUST, UH I'LL CHECK ITS VITAL SIGNS.
NOPE.
NOTHING.
THIS BIRD IS DEAD.
LET'S CARVE IT UP.
NO, MIKE, THE THINGAMAJIG HASN'T POPPED UP YET.
YEP.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
OK, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE? WHITE MEAT OR, UH WHITER MEAT? FOR 3 UNLUCKY MEN, THE MAYOR'S ANNUAL THANKSGIVING FEAST TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE.
NOT ONLY WERE THEY TREATED TO A FREE MEAL, BUT ALSO TO A MILD CASE OF FOOD POISONING.
THE CULPRIT? UNDERCOOKED TURKEY.
WHILE NO LASTING HARM WAS DONE, THE MEMORY OF A HAND OUTSTRETCHED IN KINDNESS, ONLY TO INFLICT PAIN, WILL STAY WITH THESE GENTLEMEN FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.
THIS IS ASHLEY SCHAEFFER, CHANNEL 10 NEWS.
I'M BAAAAACK.
YOU'RE BACK.
YOU'RE BACK WITH YOUR TYPICAL LIBERAL MEDIA BIAS.
AND YOU FOCUS ON THE 3 GUYS-- WHO SPENT THE NIGHT IN THE HOSPITAL.
IN PRIVATE ROOMS! THANK YOU, PAUL.
IN PRIVATE ROOMS ON THE CITY'S TAB.
WHATEVER HELPS YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT.
OK, I'LL SEE YOU AT HOME, AND, UM, TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL COOK TONIGHT.
IT'S NICE OF YOU TO TAKE THE BUS BACK TO WISCONSIN WITH ME, JAMES.
OH, WELL, I REALLY WANTED TO SEE MY FOLKS.
PLUS YOU SHOULDN'T TRAVEL ALONE.
I'M NOT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY WERE GIVING AWAY CATS AT THE BUS STATION? OH, GOOD LUCK, LITTLE BUDDY.
SO ARE WE GOING TO HAVE SOME TIME TO SPEND WITH ONE ANOTHER WHEN WE GET HOME? OK.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA.
YOU KNOW, YOU SEE, BECKY, I, UM I, UM, OH, BOY, THIS IS HARD FOR ME.
THE TRUTH IS, BECKY, AS MUCH AS I WANT TO I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE.
I JUST THINK IT'S BEST THAT WAY FOR BOTH OF US.
(SOBBING) Driver: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE'LL BE PULLING INTO WISCONSIN IN ABOUT 14 HOURS.
OK, THAT PROBABLY WASN'T THE BEST TIMING.
* SO LONG, FAREWELL, AUF WIEDERSEHEN, ADIEU * * ADIEU * * ADIEU, TO YIEU AND YIEU AND YIEU * (MUSIC PLAYS) ARE YOU ENJOYING THE PERFORMANCE, SPEAKER ROSEN? I'M HAVING A BALL! Man: SIT, UBU, SIT.
GOOD DOG.
(BARKING) Man: MOO.
GO AHEAD.
PLAY, RECREATE.
JUST TELL ME IF I'M IN YOUR WAY.
ACTUALLY, MIKE, I COULD USE A HOSTAGE.
WE GOT 2 DAYS TILL THANKSGIVING.
NOBODY GETS ANY WORK DONE.
OH, I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.
YOU'RE STARING AT A 4-DAY WEEKEND.
YOU'RE THINKING, HEY, 4 WHOLE DAYS.
WHY NOT MAKE IT 5? SO THEN YOU'RE AT 5 MENTALLY, YOU LOOK AROUND, NO ONE SEEMS TOO TICKED OFF, SO YOU THINK, WHY NOT GO FOR 6? AM I RIGHT? BASICALLY.
YEAH.
I KNOW HOW YOUR MINDS WORK.
I WAS A LOW-LEVEL GRUNT MYSELF ONCE.
THANKS.
JUST KNOWING YOU CARE.
LOOK AT THIS.
THIS IS VERY REVEALING.
THE YOUNGEST MEMBER OF STAFF IS THE ONLY ONE WORKING.
MISS YOU, TOO, HONEY.
YEAH.
GOTTA GO.
I'M KISSING YOU BACK.
I GOTTA GO.
I REALLY-- YEAH.
UH-HUH.
LOVE YOU A LOT.
BYE-BYE.
I WISH YOU HADN'T DONE THAT.
(INHALES DEEPLY) YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? I NEVER SAID I LOVED HER BEFORE.
WELL, I GOT YOU OVER THAT HUMP.
SHE'S MY HIGH-SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND.
SHE'S STILL BACK IN WISCONSIN.
SHE THINKS SHE THINKS THAT SHE THINKS WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
PLEASE.
GO ON.
GO ON.
THIS IS, UH THIS IS WHY I GOT INTO POLITICS.
WE'VE BEEN DATING ON AND OFF FOREVER.
I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT SHE WANTS FROM ME.
AT THIS POINT I'M JUST THINKING SHH.
THAT WAS SARCASM.
IT WAS.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN GOING WITH HER? YOU NEVER SAID YOU LOVED HER? NO.
I TALKED WITH HER FOR 30 SECONDS, AND I TOLD HER.
I KNOW, STUART, BUT IT'S HARD.
I KNOW THAT I'M READY TO MOVE ON.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO HURT HER FEELINGS.
YOU KNOW, JAMES, IF I MAY, YOU'RE JUST TOO NICE A GUY.
TAKE IT FROM ANOTHER NICE GUY.
YOU'RE ONLY HURTING YOURSELF.
NO, JUST TELL HER SHE'LL ALWAYS HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN YOUR HEART, BUT YOU'RE NOT THE ONE FOR HER.
SHE SHOULD FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES HER THE WAY SHE DESERVES TO BE LOVED.
WHAT AM I, SOME KIND OF SAVAGE? ALL RIGHT.
GET OFF MY BACK.
I'M ONLY REPEATING WHAT I HEARD LAST NIGHT.
STORM'S COMING, MIKE.
WELL, LISA, LISA.
ALWAYS NICE TO SEE ONE OF THE CITY COUNCIL STAFFERS.
A FINE MORNING, ISN'T IT? I'M HERE TO TALK ABOUT THANKSGIVING.
OK.
I'M SURPRISED YOU DON'T KNOW THIS, BUT OUR FOREFATHERS CAME OVER ON A BIG BOAT THE CONTEST.
THE MAYOR'S CHARITY THANKSGIVING DINNER AGAINST THE CITY COUNCIL'S.
YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
SIMPLE SCORING SYSTEM.
ONE MAN, ONE MEAL, SECONDS DON'T COUNT, DESSERTS ARE OPTIONAL.
WHOEVER FEEDS THE MOST PEOPLE WINS.
I ALWAYS ENJOY OUR LITTLE COMPETITIVE EVENTS.
I MEAN, THE VOLLEYBALL, THE TOUCH FOOTBALL, YOUR PERSONAL FAVORITE, THE GRECO-ROMAN WRESTLING, BUT I'M A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE IDEA BETTING ON WHO CAN FEED THE MOST HOMELESS PEOPLE.
WHY DON'T WE JUST LINE THEM UP AND RACE THEM? COME ON, FLAHERTY.
WE'LL STILL BE DOING GOOD.
IT'S JUST A PERK THAT I GET TO KICK YOUR BUTT AGAIN.
I PROMISE YOU, IT WON'T BE AS BAD AS THE TIME I STRUCK YOU OUT IN SLOW-PITCH SOFTBALL.
I HATE WHEN YOU BRING THAT UP.
I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED THAT WHEN ONE IS SO CONTINUOUSLY BEATEN, YOU LOSE THE WILL TO EVEN COMPETE.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL BE IN MY OFFICE.
YOU GIVE ME A CALL IF YOU GET THE STONES TO GET IN THE GAME.
OOH! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? DID SHE JUST QUESTION MY STONES? I DON'T BELIEVE THAT WOMAN.
I THINK I'M IN LOVE.
YOU KNOW, MIKE, I'M JUST GLAD YOU DIDN'T STOOP TO HER LEVEL.
THIS IS ABOUT FEEDING PEOPLE IN NEED, NOT ABOUT WHO LOSES AND WHO WINS.
OH, WE'RE GOING TO WIN, JAMES.
WE'RE GOING TO WIN BIG.
HEY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T GET ONE OF THESE SOONER.
PERFECT EXERCISE COMPANION FOR A MAYOR ON THE GO.
IT'S A SMALL DEMOGRAPHIC, DON'T YOU THINK, SIR? I CAN MAKE PHONE CALLS, WATCH TV, READ THE NEWSPAPER.
HEY, WATCH ME READ, MIKE.
I'M WALKING AND READING.
WHOA! BET YOU CAN'T DO THIS IN CENTRAL PARK, HUH? WHAT HAVE YOU GOT LINED UP FOR ME ON THE THANKSGIVING FRONT? YOU HAVE THE PHOTO OP IN FRONT OF GRACIE MANSION WITH THE TURKEY.
I DON'T LIKE TO MEET MY FOOD BEFORE I EAT IT, MIKE.
OH, NO.
THIS GUY'S JUST FOR SHOW, SIR.
YOU WON'T BE EATING HIM.
YOU'LL BE EATING HIS BROTHER.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING.
SINCE THIS IS OUR FIRST THANKSGIVING IN OFFICE, I'D LIKE TO DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL FOR THE LESS FORTUNATE.
WELL, WE, UH WE, UHWE HAVE THAT LITTLE COMPETITION WITH THE CITY COUNCIL, SIR, THE ANNUAL CHARITY DINNER.
OH, GREAT.
COUNT ME IN.
WHAT'S THE WAGER? ONE OF THOSE PAPERWEIGHTS-- NEW YORK SKYLINE IN A BUBBLE.
YOU SHAKE IT UP AND IT SNOWS.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THE MAY-- WHY AM I YELLING? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THE MAYOR'S OFFICE GOT IT? WELL, I DID A LITTLE RESEARCH, YOUR HONOR.
IT WAS, UH ABOUT 13 YEARS AGO.
WE'RE IN OFFICE NOW, AND I SAY CRUSH THEM, HUH? THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
HEY, LOOK AT YOU, SIR.
YOU'RE WALKING AND DIALING.
WALKING AND DIALING.
SPEAKER ROSEN, PLEASE.
I BET ROSEN DOESN'T DO EVERY DAY.
HE'S SHAPED LIKE A GIANT PEAR, BIG OLD BLUBBERY-- SAUL! IT'S RANDALL.
I'M CALLING ABOUT THE KIDS' LITTLE BAKEOFF.
WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU AND I MAKE THINGS A LITTLE MORE INTERESTING? WE'VE GOT 2 LOCATIONS LINED UP-- ST.
MARY'S CHURCH AND ST.
STEPHEN'S CHURCH.
IT'S 1996, WHICH IS AN EVEN-NUMBERED YEAR, SO THE MAYOR'S OFFICE HAS FIRST PICK.
UH, GREAT.
WE'LL, UH WE'LL TAKE ST.
MARY'S.
THEN WE'VE GOT ST.
STEPHEN'S.
YES! YES.
SO WE'VE GOT ALPHABET CITY, WE GET THE EAST VILLAGE, WE GET THE BOWERY, AND YOU HAVE THE LINCOLN CENTER CROWD.
MAYBE THEY'LL DROP BY AFTER THE OPERA.
YOU'VE GOT ST.
MARY'S.
GOOD.
SO, NOW, I'VE TYPED UP A MEMO-- WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT.
WAIT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ST.
MARY'S? NOTHING.
ALL RIGHT.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
I WANT ST.
STEPHEN'S.
FINE.
SO, NOW, AS I WAS SAYING-- ACTUALLY, IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU, I WILL KEEP THE LOWER EAST SIDE AND ST.
STEPHEN'S.
THAT'S ST.
MARY'S.
YOU BET IT IS.
BE MY GUEST.
WHAT AREN'T YOU TELLING ME? GAVE YOU MY MEMO, YOU'RE OK WITH THE LOWER EAST SIDE, EVERYTHING IS ALL SET.
NO, NO.
WAIT.
WAIT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
I WANT ST.
STEPHEN'S.
WHATEVER.
DID YOU JUST TRICK ME? I DON'T KNOW.
YOU TELL ME.
ALL RIGHT.
OK.
THIS ISN'T FAIR.
BECAUSE THIS ISN'T ABOUT WINNING OR LOSING.
THIS IS ABOUT DOING GOOD.
THIS IS ABOUT HELPING PEOPLE.
YOU JUST KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT.
MY BOSS ASSIGNED ME TO CITY HALL FOR 2 DAYS.
THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON.
EVERYBODY IS WALKING AROUND TALKING ABOUT A CHARITY DINNER.
YOU KNOW, IF I'M A VIEWER, I WANT TO SEE THAT DINNER, ESPECIALLY THE HANDSOME MAN WHO HELPED ORGANIZE IT.
MIKE, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS? NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU.
THANK YOU, HONEY.
THAT'S COMFORTING.
EXCEPT ME.
LOOK, I DON'T THINK YOU GET THIS.
IF I CAN GET ONE HOT, EDGY STORY, I AM IN THIS SLOT PERMANENTLY.
YOU KNOW, JANET, SHE MOVED TO BOSTON.
WOW, THAT'S BIG.
WHO'S JANET? YOU KNOW.
SHE'S A REPORTER WHO COVERS CITY HALL FOR MY STATION.
TALL, BLOND, GREAT BODY.
JANET MOVED? I--I--I--I MEAN, YOU REALLY THINK SHE'S GOT A GOOD BODY? I NEVER NOTICED.
IN THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON, THE MAYOR'S OFFICE AND THE SPEAKER'S OFFICE WILL EACH SPONSOR A FREE THANKSGIVING DINNER FOR MEMBERS OF THE COMMUNITY.
CANNED GOODS CAN BE DROPPED OFF AT CITY HALL OUTSIDE THE MAYOR'S OFFICE.
OR AT SPEAKER ROSEN'S OFFICE.
THE MAYOR'S OFFICE, OF COURSE, IS CONVENIENTLY LOCATED ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
WE'RE ALSO ON THE FIRST FLOOR, CLOSER TO THE DOOR.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A MAN STANDING ON THE STEPS OUTSIDE WITH A LARGE CARDBOARD BOX.
YES? WHAT SORT OF A MENU WILL YOU BE SERVING? THE MAYOR'S OFFICE WILL BE SERVING THE TRADITIONAL TURKEY DINNER WITH ALL THE FIXIN'S.
THE SPEAKER'S OFFICE WILL BE OFFERING A CHOICE OF TURKEY, HAM, OR SAUSAGE WITH MORE FIXIN'S.
YES, ASHLEY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY REAL NEWS FOR US TODAY? WE'RE HAVING PUMPKIN PIE.
WE'RE HAVING COBBLER.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.
ZERO HOUR APPROACHES.
TOMORROW WE GO OUT THERE, AND WE FEED A HUNGRY CITY.
WHOSE PUMPKIN PIE IS THIS? UH, THAT'S MINE.
THAT'S A STORE-BOUGHT PIE, ISN'T IT? ANYBODY ELSE HERE BUY THEIR DESSERTS? HUH! I ASSUMED YOU MADE YOURS.
YEAH.
THE GAY GUY'S THE ONLY ONE WHO BAKES.
I ALSO KNIT THOSE LITTLE NAPKINS, YOU PUTZ.
YOU GUYS WANT TO WIN THIS THING OR NOT? Stuart: YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER.
I TOLD THE MAYOR WE WERE GOING TO DELIVER FOR HIM.
I EVEN GOT HIM TO UP THE BET.
WHEN THE CITY COUNCIL LOSES, THEY GOT TO STAND UP AT THE NEXT COUNCIL MEETING AND SING THE SONG OF OUR CHOICE FROM WEST SIDE STORY.
HA HA HA! I HOPE IT'S I FEEL PRETTY.
I LOVE THAT SONG.
SO THEY HAVE TO DO THIS AT AN OFFICIAL MEETING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS? WAIT A SECOND.
IF WE LOSE, DO WE HAVE TO SING A SONG, MIKE? NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NOT FROM WEST SIDE STORY.
OH, MIKE! I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL KILL MYSELF WHERE I STAND IF IT'S FROM CATS.
THE SOUND OF MUSIC.
Stuart: OH, GOD! IT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH WE HAD TO BUY THEM BEER AFTER THEY BEAT US IN SOFTBALL? IT WASN'T THAT BAD.
FOREVER! WE HAVE TO BUY THEM BEER FOREVER! JUST LOOK AT YOU PEOPLE.
IT'S LIKE YOU LOST ALREADY.
I AM NOT GOING TO STAND HERE AND LISTEN TO NEGATIVE TALK.
NOT ME.
NOT THIS GUY.
I'M GOING DOWN TO THAT CHURCH, I'M GOING TO DO A LITTLE RECON, THEN I'M GOING TO GET US READY AND LEAD US DOWN THE PATH TO VICTORY! NOW, WHO'S WITH ME? WHO WANTS TO SKIP OUT A FEW HOURS OF WORK? AREN'T YOU GOING TO GO PLAY SPY WITH THE OLDER BOYS? I'VE GOT TO FINISH THIS LETTER TO BECKY.
I THINK THIS IS IT.
I'M TRYING TO LET HER DOWN GENTLY.
YOU'VE BEEN SEEING HER FOR 7 YEARS.
GENTLY IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.
IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? SHE'S PROBABLY IN WISCONSIN THINKING THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE ONE.
I MEANT IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS FOR ME.
I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO BE MR.
NICE GUY, BUT YOU'LL MAKE IT MUCH HARDER FOR HER IN THE LONG RUN.
YOU DON'T THINK-- NO.
ANY TIME OVER VOCAL CONTACT.
HELLO, IS BECKY THERE, PLEASE? HELLO, JAMES.
WOW, WHAT A CONNECTION.
SHE'S BEHIND ME, ISN'T SHE? HI, BECKY.
SHE TRICKED ME! I LIKE IT.
IT SCREAMS "WITCH'S COTTAGE IN THE FOREST.
" YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE KITCHEN AT ST.
MARY'S.
COMPLETELY REMODELED! SPOTLESS! PAUL! PAUL! CHROME FIXTURES-- DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE.
THIS IS DOABLE.
IT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
IF YOU WANT TO GET TETANUS, IT'S DEFINITELY DOABLE.
(CARTER COUGHING) MIKE, HI! I SEE YOU'VE FOUND THE "KITCHEN.
" OH, YEAH, IT WAS EASY.
WE JUST FOLLOWED THE BREAD CRUMBS THROUGH THE FOREST.
I WASN'T EVEN GOING TO ATTEMPT A CHURCH SWITCH, BUT WE WERE IN YOUR OFFICE, AND IT WAS RIGHT THERE.
"I WANT ST.
MARY'S!" "I WANT ST.
STEPHEN'S!" "I WANT ST.
MARY'S!" WHAT'S A POOR GIRL TO DO? WE KNEW IT WAS LIKE THIS.
THAT'S WHY WE PICKED IT.
WE LOVE THIS! YEAH, RIGHT.
JUST LIKE YOU MEANT TO MISS THAT LAST PITCH BY ABOUT 3 FEET.
I HATE WHEN SHE BRINGS THAT UP! WE HAD GREAT THANKSGIVINGS AT MY FAMILY.
IT WASN'T ALWAYS THAT WAY.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I ACTUALLY CAME OUT ON THANKSGIVING.
OH, HOW'D YOU PULL THAT OFF? VERY SUBTLE.
"DAD, GREAT JOB CARVING THE TURKEY.
I'M A HOMOSEXUAL.
" WELL, EVERY YEAR, I GO TO MY SISTER'S HOUSE, HUG HER 3 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN, THEN MY FAMILY GATHERS ROUND, TIES ME TO A CHAIR, AND ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY I'M NOT MARRIED YET.
HEY.
ME, MY MOM, MY DAD, AND A BIG BOX OF WINE.
FIRST "I HATE YOU" COMES OUT AROUND 9:30.
OK, GUYS.
WELL, YOU GOT 2 OPTIONS: YOU CAN EITHER GO IN HERE AND START WORKING, OR CAN STAND HERE AND START LEARNING EDELWEISS.
WE WOULD HAVE GONE IN, MIKE, BUT WE DIDN'T WANT TO DISTURB THE RATS.
THEY'RE DECORATING FOR THEIR CHRISTMAS PARTY.
O YE OF LITTLE FAITH.
GEEZ! MIKE, WHAT DID YOU DO? ROB AN APPLIANCE STORE? MADE A FEW CALLS.
LOOK, WE HAVE PLATES AND UTENSILS OVER THERE, AND EVERY COOKING IMPLEMENT KNOWN TO MAN.
WE GOT A SPATULA.
WE GOT YOUR, UH YOUR, UH YOUR SQUIRTY THING.
THESE ARE TECHNICAL TERMS, BUT I KNOW YOU'LL CATCH ON.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) HELLO.
BIG DADDY TO HOME BASE.
BIG DADDY TO HOME BASE.
COME IN, PAUL.
BIG DADDY DOES NOT COPY.
PAUL, I CAN HEAR YOU PERFECTLY.
STILL NOT COPYING.
PAUL (SOFTLY) COME IN, BIG DADDY.
ROGER, HOME BASE.
WHAT'S THE SITUATION OVER THERE? THEY'VE ALREADY STARTED COOKING, OK? I'LL CHECK IN AGAIN LATER.
THIS IS BIG DADDY-- (MIKE DISCONNECTS) ALL RIGHT, LISA'S ALREADY STARTED.
WE GOT TO GET MOVING.
I GOT A REFRIGERATED TRUCK OUT BACK.
I GOT 30 BIRDS.
ALL GUTLESS, HEADLESS, AND HAPPY TO BE HERE.
I'LL COORDINATE EVERYTHING.
I JUST NEED SOMEONE TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE COOKING.
I'LL DO IT.
THAT'S THE KIND OF ENTHUSIASM I'M LOOKING FOR.
YOU LIKE TO COOK? NO.
BUT I DO SO LOVE BEING IN CHARGE.
NOW, FETCH ME SOME SPICES AND SOME PANS AND, WHAT THE HELL, GIVE ME THAT SQUIRTY THING.
YOU CAN'T COOK AT ALL, CAN YOU? NOT A LICK.
I THOUGHT THE SUBWAY WAS NICE, AND I REALLY LIKE THE SOUP KITCHEN, BUT SINCE I'M ONLY IN TOWN FOR 2 DAYS, MAYBE WE COULD SEE SOMETHING ELSE.
I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, BECKY.
THERE'S REALLY NOT THAT MUCH TO SEE IN NEW YORK.
LISTEN, BECKY OK, THIS ISN'T EASY FOR ME TO SAY, BUT, UH-- YOU KNOW, I'M SO GLAD I CAME TO SEE YOU.
I'VE BEEN REALLY DEPRESSED LATELY.
YOU REMEMBER MY CAT MR.
TUGGLES? HE DIED.
HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
I MEAN, BESIDES YOU.
(GIGGLING) THAT MAKES THINGS DIFFICULT.
MY FAMILY TOTALLY RALLIED AROUND ME, THOUGH.
IT WAS FUNNY BECAUSE MY MOM GAVE ME A CAT, AND MY SISTER GAVE ME A CAT.
IT REALLY CHEERED ME UP.
AW, THAT'S GREAT.
SO WHAT I WAS SAYING TO YOU IS THAT-- OF COURSE, THEY DIDN'T GET ALONG.
NO, OF COURSE, THEY DIDN'T.
IN FACT, THE CAT MY SISTER GAVE ME ACTUALLY KILLED THE CAT MY MOM GAVE ME.
YOU DON'T SAY.
HEY, WAIT, WAIT-- IS THAT RIGHT? ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY ABILITY TO DO SIMPLE ARITHMETIC? WHY, IT'S JUST, UH I DON'T KNOW.
THAT NUMBER SEEMS A LITTLE LOW.
PERHAPS YOU'RE NOT FOLLOWING MY SYSTEM.
WHENEVER A PERSON WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR, I PUT A MARK ON THE BOARD.
I RESPECT YOUR POSITION AS OUR TEAM'S IMPARTIAL COUNTER.
I TOOK A PLEDGE, MIKE.
YEAH, I APPRECIATE THAT.
I WAS THINKING MAYBE YOU COULD COME UP WITH A MORE EFFECTIVE SYSTEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU REALIZE THE DEPTHS YOU'VE SUNKEN TO? I WAS HERE FIRST.
NO, I WAS! DON'T PUSH ME! WILL YOU SHUT UP? THAT'S 2.
I CAN'T BREAK UP WITH HER.
I MEAN, WHAT WOULD I SAY? WELL, FIRST OFF, YOU SHOULD TELL THAT GIRL TO THINK ABOUT GETTING A DOG NEXT TIME.
JAMES, YOU CAN'T KEEP STRINGING HER ALONG.
YOU'VE GOT TO SAY SOMETHING.
SAY NOTHING.
KEEP MISS IN-LOVE-WITH-YOU ON YOUR BACK BURNER.
MY BACK BURNER.
YEAH.
YOU SEE, THE HOT STUFF, THE STUFF I PAY ATTENTION TO I KEEP ON MY FRONT BURNERS, BUT I ALWAYS HAVE A FEW LONELY POTS SIMMERING IN THE BACK, YEARNING FOR ME TO STIR THEM.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, STUART.
YEAH, WELL, SOMETIMES A GIRL'S JUST HAPPY TO BE ON THE STOVE.
WHERE'S MY DAMN POULTRY? IT'S STILL COOKING.
WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
JUST TURN THE OVEN UP.
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) I'M GIVING IT ALL SHE'S GOT, CAPTAIN! COME IN, TALK TO ME, BIG DADDY.
MIKE, THEY'RE WRAPPING IT UP HERE.
I DON'T THINK THEY'RE SERVING ANYMORE.
PAUL, ARE YOU EATING? NO.
WHY? JUST GIVE ME THE FINAL NUMBER.
THEY'VE HAD 247 VERY SATISFIED CUSTOMERS.
OK, THEY'RE AT 247.
WE HAVE 245.
NO! NO, I WILL NOT LOSE TO THIS WOMAN AGAIN, DO YOU HEAR ME? THANK YOU.
LOOK WHO I FOUND: SOME MORE HUNGRY SETTLERS.
GREAT, SIR.
THAT PUTS US OVER THE TOP.
GREAT! LET'S HAVE AT THAT TURKEY.
TURKEY! AH, CARTER, HOW MUCH TIME DO WE HAVE? HOLD ON, UH, OK, OK YOU'VE GOT EXACTLY 2 MINUTES.
MIKE! MIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S NOT READY YET.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL JUST, UH I'LL CHECK ITS VITAL SIGNS.
NOPE.
NOTHING.
THIS BIRD IS DEAD.
LET'S CARVE IT UP.
NO, MIKE, THE THINGAMAJIG HASN'T POPPED UP YET.
YEP.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
OK, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE? WHITE MEAT OR, UH WHITER MEAT? FOR 3 UNLUCKY MEN, THE MAYOR'S ANNUAL THANKSGIVING FEAST TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE.
NOT ONLY WERE THEY TREATED TO A FREE MEAL, BUT ALSO TO A MILD CASE OF FOOD POISONING.
THE CULPRIT? UNDERCOOKED TURKEY.
WHILE NO LASTING HARM WAS DONE, THE MEMORY OF A HAND OUTSTRETCHED IN KINDNESS, ONLY TO INFLICT PAIN, WILL STAY WITH THESE GENTLEMEN FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.
THIS IS ASHLEY SCHAEFFER, CHANNEL 10 NEWS.
I'M BAAAAACK.
YOU'RE BACK.
YOU'RE BACK WITH YOUR TYPICAL LIBERAL MEDIA BIAS.
AND YOU FOCUS ON THE 3 GUYS-- WHO SPENT THE NIGHT IN THE HOSPITAL.
IN PRIVATE ROOMS! THANK YOU, PAUL.
IN PRIVATE ROOMS ON THE CITY'S TAB.
WHATEVER HELPS YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT.
OK, I'LL SEE YOU AT HOME, AND, UM, TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL COOK TONIGHT.
IT'S NICE OF YOU TO TAKE THE BUS BACK TO WISCONSIN WITH ME, JAMES.
OH, WELL, I REALLY WANTED TO SEE MY FOLKS.
PLUS YOU SHOULDN'T TRAVEL ALONE.
I'M NOT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY WERE GIVING AWAY CATS AT THE BUS STATION? OH, GOOD LUCK, LITTLE BUDDY.
SO ARE WE GOING TO HAVE SOME TIME TO SPEND WITH ONE ANOTHER WHEN WE GET HOME? OK.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA.
YOU KNOW, YOU SEE, BECKY, I, UM I, UM, OH, BOY, THIS IS HARD FOR ME.
THE TRUTH IS, BECKY, AS MUCH AS I WANT TO I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE.
I JUST THINK IT'S BEST THAT WAY FOR BOTH OF US.
(SOBBING) Driver: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE'LL BE PULLING INTO WISCONSIN IN ABOUT 14 HOURS.
OK, THAT PROBABLY WASN'T THE BEST TIMING.
* SO LONG, FAREWELL, AUF WIEDERSEHEN, ADIEU * * ADIEU * * ADIEU, TO YIEU AND YIEU AND YIEU * (MUSIC PLAYS) ARE YOU ENJOYING THE PERFORMANCE, SPEAKER ROSEN? I'M HAVING A BALL! Man: SIT, UBU, SIT.
GOOD DOG.
(BARKING) Man: MOO.