Spitting Image (2020) s01e10 Episode Script

1 I'm sorry to be a Cecil Spoilsport, but we can't ignore this bullying report any longer.
Apparently it's a bit malum prohibitum.
I got that Latin from Legally Blonde.
Well, I really like that film.
Shut up, you worthless tae-kwon-dickhead.
- Who are they calling a bully? - I'm afraid it's you, Pritster.
That's ridiculous.
Does anyone here think I'm a bully? Hey, this is my safe space.
Get out from behind there, you snivelling worms.
And as for you, you foreign succulent, you're deported.
My best friend! Barnaby! Barnaby's fucked.
I'm not reading any signs of proper bullying like we had at Eton.
Pritster, did you use your private secretary's naked - buttocks as a toast rack? - No.
Did you whack anyone's willy with a whiff-whaff wacquet? I didn't understand one word of that.
Then we've got nothing to worry about.
Unless Good Lord, you didn't make Sir Philip eat the soggy biscuit? - No.
- Well, then, case closed.
Still, you should probably say something that sounds like an apology.
I regret it if you weaklings found my directness and dedication difficult to handle.
- You ripped my heart out of my body.
- It was unintentional.
There we are, harmless banter.
Hey, everyone, let's all banter Hancock.
Yay.
I'm part of the gang.
Mr President, it's time for the pardoning ceremony.
Good idea.
I made a short list of things to pardon myself for.
No, I meant the Thanksgiving turkey.
Gotcha.
I'm gonna pardon it so good, it's gonna be beautiful.
Howdy doody, Mr President.
A talking turkey, huh? College educated.
Let's cut to the chase.
If I pardon you, what do I get in return? Well, how about we pardon each other? You stay out of jail at Mar-a-Lago, I get a new identity as a Canada goose.
Pardoned by a turkey, sounds legit.
But I should check with my favourite mayor.
Rudy Giuliani? I may be negotiating with a turkey, but I'm not crazy.
I meant Mayor Cheeseburger.
Last time I gave you advice, you ate me.
It's your fault for being delicious.
You want a deal? How about this, the turkey and me team up as the Republican ticket in 2024? A burger and a turkey? I'd never beat that, I won't allow it.
In that case, we're eating you! Cut it out! You win! As long as I'm not hallucinating all of this, we've just conceded.
Turkey, Mr Mayor, happy Thanksgiving.
Huh.
Once again, press gets it right.
Brad Pitt! O-M-fuzzypants-G! Harry Styles, I like your dress? Hey, I'm a badass mother rock star, OK? This isn't a dress, it's a muumuu.
It's Hawaiian.
So's my pizza, but I wouldn't wear it with pearls.
Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not a badass at all.
David Attenborough said he'd kick me head in last week - and it got a million likes.
- Jesus Christ.
That's why I came to see you.
I want everyone to know I'm hard.
You're the most macho guy in the world.
Please produce my next music video.
You're on.
I'll put some hair on your chest.
Chest hair, what's that? Huh! You're like a gorilla's grandpa! I trim it for my topless shots.
Now, let's make a video Guns N' Roses would be proud of.
Watermelon sauce is fine Yummy like a glass of wine Yummy yummy yummy yum Tummy tummy tummy tum.
Oh! Oh! I look like Jason Statham! What happened? I gave you a guitar to smash and you swapped it - for shooting bubbles.
- I popped one, that's macho.
Let's try again.
Watermelon sauce is great Spit the seeds on your plate Huh, putting in some Brad action usually does the trick.
But you broke my twirly.
Maybe you're not the right man for the job.
Wait, wait, wait, I got it.
Let's go up against the elements.
You alone the raging sea a mythical beast.
Watermelon sauce so yum Makes me tingly in my tum.
- You nailed it, Brad.
- I did? You can see my ink, my tats.
Nothing says macho like a tummy tattoo of a butterfly.
Oh! Watermelon sauce is fine.
Hi, it's everyone's favourite Rishi, Rishi with the budget announcement.
In a UK government first, I'm accompanied by an interpreter for the politically deaf.
We have been borrowing, but there's no need for concern.
The outlook for growth is positive.
Your jobs are safe, your homes are safe, your savings are safe.
And you will have food on your table.
We're turning the corner and the future looks bright.
Dad, it's me, Taylor.
I'm home for the holidays on our family Christmas tree farm that I grew up on.
True thing.
Check Wikipedia.
I just love the snow and the trees and our little tree elves.
They're called migrant workers, Taylor.
- Shoo! Shoo! - Come on, come on.
People say I'm a fake because I'm always late jumping on social bandwagons, but here, I'm as real as my unicorn frappuccino.
Well, enjoy the farm while you can cos it's going out of business.
What?! Damn it, Bubba Scott, never tell her bad news when she's frappin'! No-one's buying trees.
Thanks to the damn elitist liberati that declared war on Christmas.
Careful, Dad, I'm an inclusive liberal since it tested well in my demographics.
- Look! - 'My fellow Americans, everyone knows 'I'm the greatest man that ever walked the Earth.
'Now it's time to put up a monument to number two, little baby Jesus.
'I will pay $10 million 'for the biggest White House Christmas tree ever 'but it has to be huge, really huge, huger than my' - Yeah, we know.
- That's it.
Dad, what's our tallest tree? An Ol' General Hancock, cranky Scotch pine.
- But he's not "huge".
- We have four weeks, enough time to grow General Hancock tall enough and save the farm.
It'll be a Christmas miracle.
- Shoo! - Come on, get out of here.
Well, that steak was delicious.
Now, what to have for dessert.
- You should have the steak.
- But I just got a steak.
So, clearly, you like it.
So I recommend you reorder it.
People who buy steak also buy bacon, phone chargers and lawn fertiliser.
- This is weird.
- I'm sorry.
I'm tense because OK, will you marry me? Oh! It's a sapphire! My favourite.
- And it fits perfectly.
- I had Alexa scan your body then cross-reference our database of four billion customers to match size, weight and stone preference.
- You had Alexa scan my body? - Breasts first.
That is creepy and invasive.
Creepy and invasive is how I make people happy.
Well it is a nice ring and you are the richest man on Earth.
OK, back to dessert.
You should get the bran muffin.
You're constipated.
- How do you know that? - Alexa smells your farts.
Folks, the presidential transition is finally underway.
I picked my Secretary of State, my Secretary of the Treasury Adele, are you singing at the inauguration? Ha! No, mate.
I'm the Secretary of Defence.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - That's gonna shake 'em up in Iran.
It's great to have a responsible, law-abiding President in office.
Can I give you a tip? You can't go wrong with drone strikes.
Zip, boom, bang, no questions asked.
- Could you write that down for me? - I already did in A Promised Land, about an administration where character and integrity really counted.
$45 in finer book stores.
- Who wants an autographed copy? - I'm cool.
I said, who wants my support in the next election? - I'll take a copy.
- 50 bucks, $5 shipping.
Whoa, whoa! Save it for the Taliban, Adele.
Now to make the toughest choice of all, one that will impact all Americans every single day.
- Attorney General? - The new host of Jeopardy.
- Ooh, yikes.
- Whoa! What is "glad I'm not president"? Now, who's ready to pre-order Volume Two? - Er - OK.
- Yeah.
Good Old General Hancock.
I grew up playing on your branches.
Here's something to help you grow, - hush puppies and magnolia tea.
- Very Nashville considering you actually grew up in Philadelphia.
Yes, but market research shows that people prefer my fake Southern roots.
Taylor, this tree already growed a foot or I'm in short skirts.
But you can't stop now.
I hear even foreigners are trying to win this Christmas tree contest.
Once I produce the world's biggest Christmas tree, the world will finally stop saying I look like Pooh Bear.
Oh, bother.
How is our giant Christmas tree coming? Did you inject it with tree growth hormone? We got mixed up and injected it with human growth hormone.
W-W-What did you do with the tree growth hormone? We gave it to our Olympic swimming team.
Goodbye, Lee, off to my college classes.
Oh, right, er see you later.
Lee, when will you be going back to work? Well, I don't know if I will.
I mean, obviously I want to, but I'll probably just work from home.
- You're a roofer.
- Yeah, but it's amazing what you can do on all these video calls.
I mean, it's not like I'm planning to lie on the sofa watching The Dam Busters on Channel 5 at five past two.
That's very reassuring.
Yeah, and being at home's better for the environment.
Think of all the emissions from my van.
If I'm here watching The Dam Busters, I-I-I mean, working from home, there's none of that.
Oh, that's a very good point.
- I will stay home too.
- What? Instead of taking a bus, I can do my lessons on Zoom.
Then we can both help the environment and we can have lunch together - and worry about the melting ice caps.
- Lovely.
Your tea, sir.
Extra weak.
A quiet night? No, Aneurin.
With the heightened senses of the Fox, I smell trouble.
Or possibly some spoilt cat food.
Either way, Foxman is on the prowl.
I'll brush up the fox tail.
Batman watches over Gotham from the bat's high perch, I shall guard London from the Fox's lair.
This robbery is over.
Oh, my God, it's my fiscally irresponsible nemesis, The Borrower.
Foxman! You have contravened Section 81 of the 1968 Theft Act.
Hand over the money, Borrower.
That's exactly what I'm gonna do, hand it out for the next furlough.
You see, we're very alike, you and I.
You mean, we both have nice, thick heads of hair? And we both want to help the common man.
I see.
Are you sure this money isn't going on a crowd-pleasing boost to defence spending? Well, obviously we have to take national security - into consideration.
- I knew it! Your days of running up an eye-watering deficit are over.
With these handcuffs, which I use under the reasonable force guidelines, as set out in the Police Act of 1972, I will see that you Oh.
Oh.
You are a cunning foe, Borrower.
But I will track you down.
If not tonight, then during regular Parliamentary Question Time.
Foxman is bold, but he reckons without his true enemy The Joke.
You know you've got stuff all over your face, right? Yes, I fell into my pudding.
Yumminess maximus.
I hate this film, The Dam Busters.
They are destroying hydroelectric facilities that produce clean, emission-free power.
Yeah, you said.
Shall we just watch it? And there is exactly one woman.
Actually, I think I will go back to work.
Oh, no, you will stay here and take notes and then we will go picket the producer's house.
- You know what, Greta? - What? You're amazing.
Why, if it isn't some practically perfect billionaires.
And Richard Branson.
We realised that New Zealand is the safest place on Earth.
And it's easier to get to than Mars.
- Just.
- I'll buy the North Island.
I'll buy the South Island.
And I'll buy whatever is in between.
Well, we're happy to have you for the holidays as long as you sing.
It's a jolly Christmas with Jacinda New Zealand is so very far away We aren't very fond of immigration But if you've got a billion You can stay Everybody here is really happy Everybody does as they are told It's a jolly Christmas With Jacinda It's summer But it's really fucking cold.
But, Jacinda, Elon Musk tested positive for coronavirus.
We can't have anyone complaining about that.
Once upon a time, a mother and her son lived on a farm in the country.
Jack, what happened to our cow? I set her free, Mother.
I've decided I'm vegan.
Oh, but what will I eat? I need healthy red meat for my anaemia.
I've got soy beans.
They'll supply all the protein and nutrients you need.
- It's practically magic.
- Oh! Oh, no! Jack was right, those beans were magic and they grew a giant beanstalk right to a foreign country full of giants.
Fee-fi-fo funtry, I'm going to live in your country.
Jack, get my shotgun! I gave that away too.
I'm opposed to self-protection.
Don't let anyone take away your beef and guns! Movie celebrities, we need your help.
This year, the Oscars have a problem.
- No Black film makers? - No vagina film makers.
Vagina.
- Worse, no movies.
- Well, there was one movie Tenet.
Yeah, but nobody made it to the end.
Hey, this is an opportunity.
Why not throw the Oscars open to anything.
Any video shot by a celebrity.
- I like it.
Genius.
- Yeah.
Or you could just admit that the Oscars are a giant hypefest that nobody cares about and cancel them.
Kevin, what did I say about being negative? Don't you put me in a cooler! No! I don't know how, Taylor, but you did it.
General Hancock is big enough to win the Christmas tree contest.
You ready to murder a tree, Dick Chainy?! It's time to cut him down? Oh! I never thought this day would come.
I I kind of fell in love with him.
Oh, sweetie, you got a tender heart.
Grab some goggles, it's gonna be flying tree guts! Can I have a moment to say goodbye? Well, sure, but tick-tock.
Lost little girl Taking her chances Searching for roots Got caught in your branches I packed my trunk Went out on a limb Now I must give you The ultimate trim Christmas trim I wanna be strong Don't wanna be sappy But your car freshener smell Makes me so happy When you needle me You're all bark and no bite - And now I must say - Woo-oo-oo - The final good - Woo-oo-oo Oh, God, just fucking kill me already.
- What? - I hate your terrible music.
Oh, hell no! Hurry, I can still hear it in my brain.
The prize for biggest tree goes to Taylor Swift who, by the way, is a big loser who hates me.
I saved the farm and learned a wonderful Christmas lesson.
If someone disses you, slice him through the brain and write a hella good song.
If the tree is gonna throw Shade, shade, shade, shade I'm just gonna Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut Cut it down Cut it down.
I'm dead and it still hurts! That'll be my new wig.
Fantastic.
Leave it there and fuck off.
- Elton.
- Shut up, David! You can put the VAT return forward into the next quarter Colin? Colin? You've frozen, mate.
Double-O sod it! And so the dark night continues with no sign of activity on the security camera in my back garden.
Wait, it looks like possibly a cat or fox.
No, it's nothing.
Will something fucking happen! Kim, I dropped my damn phone down the toilet.
And the Oscar goes to Oh, vagina.
Tenet.
And now, a moment of silence for James Corden.
Oh, amazing.
What an honour! So touching.
Amazing! All right, we got 15 minutes to clear out the White House before Biden moves in.
Take anything that's not nailed down.
This copper will fetch a pretty penny at the Chinese market.
Mr President, the used car dealer, you have a car for sale? Right, the presidential limo.
- She's a sweet ride.
- $1,500? Make it $1,200.
That's called "the art of the deal".
- Biden's on his way.
- All right, everybody out! I've left a surprise for little old Joe, some smart, very smart, stable genius booby traps.
It's been an honour serving you, sir.
I'm the best thing that ever happened to you, baby.
Crap, I still need to leave my presidential goodbye letter.
I wrote it in stink ink.
Ooh! Right! My booby trap! Hey, I paid for four! I gotta get out of here.
I hope you like purple nurples, Biden.
Ow! Ow! Ow! It's me, you idiot! Well, at least that was the last one.
Hello.
Anyone home? Help, I'm trapped in a bucket! - I've been there.
- Help! Good day, I'm Prince Andrew.
The producers of Spitting Image have asked me down to the studios so they can personally apologise for any mistreatment I received at the hands of the show.
And they jolly well should.
"Sorry" they said ".
.
for what happened in episodes one, five, seven and, of course, for the very last moment of the series.
" Last moment of the series? Now, what can that mean Ooh!