Strangers with Candy (1999) s01e10 Episode Script

1
I've graded your term papers.
A "D"!?
Thank you,
Mr. Noblet!
Don't thank me, Jerri.
You earned it.
I don't know how you pulled it
together, but good for you.
You do that well
on the final exam
and it looks like you'll be
moving on to sophomore year.
[PROUDLY]
A "D"
[BELL RINGS]
Hold on a minute, Jerri.
I've got something
I'd like to say.
This has been a real
roller coaster of a year,
and I've been pretty tough
on you at times,
and I'm sure you
think that I hate you.
But I want you to know
That I hate you.
I hate you too,
Mr. Noblet.
I guess we shouldn't hug.
Yeah, probably not.
Okay, why don't you run along.
Hi, I'm Jerri Blank,
and I'm a 46-year-old
high school freshman.
Ooh! Ha, ha, ha
A 46-year-old
high school sophomore
if I keep these grades up.
Lock the door.
[FIGHTING STICKS CLACKING]
I'm gonna pass my exams
and then we can spend all summer
hanging out at Santa's Playland.
Hey, I figured out a way to
derail the toddler train!
I sure love to watch
those youngsters spill.
Jerri!
[THWACK]
Focus!
You just don't know
how to have fun.
Hey
Are you Chin Woo of
the Kung Fu School?
You have insulted my master.
Prepare to die by my hand.
Heh heh heh.
Those guys are creeps.
I don't know
I think they're
kinda sexy.
Stay away from
those dopers, Jerri,
they're career freshmen.
I'd hate to see you
gettin' mixed up
in the wrong crowd.
Oh, yeah
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Okay, c'mon, Orlando,
bring it on!
Let's go, Trish!
Arm out, back up!
You heard me, grind that pelvis
into the leather and smack it
Smack it smack it!
OK I'm done.
Next!
C'mon, c'mon, next up, let's go!
Now bear down and ride it
Way to smack it.
Thanks, I try.
I like your style.
Can I get some water?
I'm a little dry.
I'm plenty wet
Heh heh heh, seriously.
[CHUCKLING]
You're funny, Jerri.
Yeah?
C'mon
I wanna show you something.
Back at 'cha.
COACH: Yeah,
clamp, clamp, tighten!
So who goes first?
Check it out.
Ummm!
That's quite a
humidor you got there.
[SNIFFING]
Umm
"skunk weed."
Wanna hit?
No, I'm not into pot.
Are you sure?
Okay, let's burn it down.
Close your eyes, Jerri.
What do you see?
[DEMONIC LAUGHTER]
Nothing unusual.
[THROATY GAGGING]
Ohh God, I see
a carnival of colors!
I see grays and browns
and grays
Uh! Don't ya just
love this song!
[THROATY GAGGING]
Don't you just love it?
Ohh man!
Umm!
Oh!
Man!
Whoo!
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]
[GIGGLING UNCONTROLLABLY]
Totally.
I've seen this one before
They're gonna untie her tubes.
Ah ha ha ha.
Hey, troll, aren't you
supposed to be
making dinner tonight?
For your information,
dick-a-licious,
I already put
the turkey in the oven.
Hey, let's go outside
and shoot some hoops.
Stroke-a-delic's
bumming my stone.
Troll!!
You cooked my basketball!
Ah, ha ha ha!
You're all hopped up
on that weed.
That's right, and it's
a very expensive habit.
So don't be surprised if I
cut out one of your livers
and sell it on the black market.
You are so lucky I'm a coward.
Hey, Frankenfag!
You forgot your basketball!
[HANDS SIZZLING]
[GIGGLING HYSTERICALLY]
The next step is
firing in the kiln.
Now this particular kiln
heats up to 1500 degrees.
To put that in perspective
imagine one degree
1500 times!
Okay, why don't you
bring your projects by.
We'll set them on this slate.
Oh Pepper, a turtle, very nice!
We've got some dice
Those are fun
What do you got there, Jerri?
Let's just say
It's a bong.
Hmm no carpal,
interesting.
Okay, as soon as
these are baked,
we'll glaze them!
As soon as they're baked
we'll get baked.
Ah, ha ha ha ha
Principal Blackman!
Principal Blackman!
Yes what is it?!
There are some
bad seeds in this school
who are growing into weeds
and infesting the healthy plants
that are the good students.
Hmmm, your metaphor confuses me,
yet I am intrigued
by your ramble.
Quick, to my office!
Thank you all
for coming this afternoon,
to our second meeting
of "M-Mad,"
"Mad Mothers Against Drugs."
If you refer to
your pamphlet, please.
You can't help a drug addict
until they hit rock bottom,
and sometimes it's important
to help the process along.
You dig a hole in the yard and
cover it with sticks and leaves.
Put glass in their slippers.
Cut the brake cable
in their car.
Exactly, cut the
brake cable to their car.
The point is to
help them hurt themselves.
Hi, Jerri.
Ladies.
Jerri, Jerri, Jerri,
not now, please.
Now the point of
the meeting this afternoon
is how do we
treat the drug addict
What happened to you?
Did your head try to escape?
Jerri!
Did I get any calls?
Yes, why don't you
go return them.
If you look at the pamphlet
How can I return the calls
if I don't know who called?
A, um "Mr. Puffmeister"
and "Chief Big Bong."
Ah, the chief called?
Man, he must be on the warpath.
Speaking of which,
I got on Indian underwear,
it's creeping up the trail.
Thank you, Jerri
Man, you people are old!
I bet you could
dry beef down there.
Oh, I'm sorry,
she was only kidding.
Y'know, you really
mustn't fly away like this.
We have a slide show.
Maybe you could show it
to your daughter!
Step daughter.
How dare you come into this
house with a drug problem
when I am conducting a
meeting about drug problems!
You better shape up, young lady,
or I am gonna want
you out of this house!
You always want me
out of this house.
Yes, but now I have an excuse!
Well, I'll see ya later.
[BELL RINGS]
Hey, do you know where I uh
Might be able to buy
some big fat doobies?
What?
Well, I was, uh,
y'know looking to
take a trip with mary jane,
and I thought you might know
her travel agent?
Are you a cop?
What?!
You just made the list, mister
Of the top ten people
in this area.
So alrightas you were.
I'll see you in Spanish so
POLICE RADIO: We have a 3-11 in
progress, on the corner of 5th and
I thought I'd teach class today
in a more informal setting.
I was hoping we could shoot
the breeze a bit, you know, rap.
Now, there's this herb
That's been affecting my class.
Most of you probably know it
by it's ancient Dutch name
Mari-juana.
[ALL SNICKERING]
Yeah, everything's
funny on pot, isn't it?
How do you know
everything about it?
Have you ever tried it?
Yeah I used to
get stoned.
A few years back
I was pretty down.
I just started this job and
my plugs weren't taking,
my parents were
brutally murdered, and
I was fat.
So I turned to pot, hoping
it would solve my problems.
But you know something,
the only thing it fixed
was my life.
You can't lay that on pot.
Why not?!
I know it feels good.
I know we've all read the
"scientific studies" that say
it's non-addictive and that
there are no side-effects.
But scientists don't smoke pot,
we do!
And that's the difference!
Look, all I'm saying is if you
still want to smoke pot,
then be prepared to
spend a lot of time
Laughing with your friends.
Think about it.
Now we still have
55 minutes left for class,
so I thought I'd play
a little mountain music
I wrote on the beach.
Maybe Mr. Jellineck's right.
Maybe we shouldn't
smoke pot anymore.
No way!
This stuff frees your mind!
Yeah, you're right,
spark that spleef.
I wanna get high!
I'll see you after class.
Well, well, well,
what do we've got here?
It's a bake sale.
We're raising money
for blind children.
Oh sure, aren't we all.
Boy, I sure got the munchies.
I could really go for
a brownie 'bout now.
And seeing as
I have the munchies,
which brownie do you think
I should choose?
Around and round she
goes, where she stops
How 'bout this one!
Whichever one you want, Officer.
Hah, hah good one.
Sure, yeah.
Are you going to pay for that?
Oh sure, yeah.
Hey, of course I'm
gonna pay for it.
I'm a student just like you.
Nice badge.
Where'd you get it?
Uh I-I just
I just don't remember.
It's as simple as that.
Hmm I love
free samples!
Student.
Principal.
"A+," Tiny.
Tim, "B-" not too shabby.
Your grades on the final exam
this year were excellent!
Jerri, you got a zero.
Wow
But I studied
really hard for this.
Didn't I?
I don't know, Jerri, uh, but,
in the answer to the question,
"what was the
Magna Carta?"
You wrote the words
"Planet Zoot."
Ha ha ha!
And in response to the query,
"what was the capital of France
during the Nazi occupation?"
You traced your hand.
Oh yeah I drew a
beak on the thumb there.
Oh, it's a turkey!
Must have been
during the holidays.
It was yesterday, Jerri.
Oh.
Jerri, listen.
I was gonna say this in private
but I was afraid
that it wouldn't be
sufficiently humiliating.
You fail.
You fail freshman year.
Huh?
I'm saying you fail.
I can't do this year
all over again.
Nor do I wanna to teach you,
so I'm gonna be
giving you a make-up exam
tomorrow morning
at 7:00 a.m.
Oh, c'mon, 7:00 a.m.!
7:00 a.m.!
And if you have any hopes
for a happy life,
I'd go study.
Okay, everybody, that
does it for freshman year.
It's been a pleasure
teaching you,
and since we only
have 15 minutes
Why don't you all just go
and wait a second!
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Okay, sit down.
Ummm
The opium war was
fought in 1840
to 1842, between the Chinese
Sorry, I'm late.
Do I know you?
New student.
Just transferred in.
On the last day of school?
Who wrote that word
on the board?
I did.
We're studying the
Opium Wars.
Okay, class dismissed.
You can all go now.
Wait a second, you can't
dismiss my class.
Aaahh!! Yaaahhhh!!
Ohh!! Ohhh!!!
Okay, everybody out.
Class dismissed,
have a good summer.
My eyes arrrghh!
All right, Jerri, you have one
night to prepare for this test.
Are you ready for it?
Absolutely.
What's it on?
Noblet's class.
Right, Noblet
What does he teach?
American History.
Alright.
Let's start with
the Louisiana Purchase.
From what country was
the land purchased?
Louisiana.
No, Jerri.
From what country
did the United States
purchase Louisiana?
I'll give you a hint.
One of its cities is
named, uh, Baton Rouge.
Baton Rouge!
No, Jerri, when I say "hint,"
that doesn't mean
I'm giving you the answer.
Alright, alright, it just
threw me for a second
Baton Rouge
Baton Rouge
Louisiana!
No, Jerri.
C'mon, or, you gotta
give me that one.
No, I don't, Jerri,
and neither will Noblet!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Trish!
Jerri, I know you gotta
study and everything,
but Chief Big Bong is
throwing a war council
in his old lady's basement.
No way!
We're gonna pass the peace pipe.
You gotta be there.
Oh look, I gotta
study for a test.
We'll help you study!
I'll wait for you
at school tomorrow, Jerri.
I'll be there.
Don't get high tonight, Jerri.
I promise I won't.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Goddamn, that's gotta be tight!
[SMOKE-CHOKING]
You guys are my best friends
Huhh!!
How'd your test go, Jerri?
Jeez I'm on my way
right now.
It's noon, Jerri.
Oh no right.
I know what you're thinking,
and I didn't get
high last night.
You look high, Jerri.
Are you high now?
What?! Am I high?!
You're asking me if I'm high?
[SLURRING BADLY]
Let me get this straight.
That's what you're asking me?
Look, I'll prove to
you that I'm not.
I'll help you practice.
Oh no, that's not
a good idea, Jerri!
Jerri Jerri!!
Uhh!! Uhh!!
Ha ha ha, Orlando.
Orlando!
Uhh!!
Oh, or can you
ever forgive me?
[SPEAKING WEAKLY]
What happened, Jerri?
Well, I was
trying to show you
Uh what's the last
thing you remember?
I was I was waiting
for you at school
and the
the rest is hazy.
Hazy oh well
Uhh oh boy
You were jumped
Uhh by a bunch of guys
Uhh big black guys.
Sexy, sexy, muscular
black guys yeah!
Really?
No! I was stoned!
I nearly chopped your
head off because I was high!
I don't want to be
your friend anymore.
What?
Get out.
No!
Jerri, maybe you
should just leave.
Mr. Noblet?
Well, what are you doing here?
I I thought you
were all better.
Yes, I'm all better now, Jerri.
I'm just blind.
So, Uhh
You're not gonna turn me in
for smoking pot, are ya?
I'm blind, Jerri.
Why would I care?
'Cause she's a doper!
You're busted!
Are you the student
who sprayed me?
That's right
And I'll do it again!
Arhhhh!
What're ya lookin' at?!
Well, as you can see,
I'm back in the slammer.
Ah, Jesus
I'm telling you,
you're wasting your time.
You're not gonna find
anything up there!
I've been clean for a year!
Well, I guess
I've learned one thing
Never talk about your
marijuana exploits
in front of an undercover cop
I'm telling you, you're just
wasting your
tu-uh-time uhhh!!
Oh yeah,
that heh, heh.
Well, in case anyone's
interested,
I'll be out in time to start
freshman year all over again.
I plea bargained.
[SOBBING]
I only smoked it once!
Why am I in a ladies jail?
I am a man!
Faggot!
My [BLEEP]-hole's hungry, baby!