Stripperella (2003) s01e10 Episode Script

1
Oh, zippy was just
supposed to clean the tank!
I guess I shouldn't have
given him the keys.
We're gonna have to
destroy the tank!
Not if I can help it.
Oh, no, my septuplets!
Thanks, Stripperella,
that was one hell of a blow job.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go spank the monkey.
You know, everything he said
was completely relevant
yet, somehow,
it just felt inappropriate.
Oh, wow, these wax figures
look so lifelike.
I would swear this
is really Steven Seagal.
It is me, I actually work here.
Just until I get
back on my feet.
Ladies, gentlemen
and children of all ages,
feast your eyes on
the dazzling, enchanting wonder
that is
Magic!
Oh, a free magic show!
Now, you see this handsome
virile likeness of Brad Pitt
Now you don't!
Ohhhh!
For our next trick,
we need you all to place your
wallets, purses and jewelry
in the center of the room.
Now you stuff
Now you don't.
You've been
a marvelous audience.
I think we were just robbed!
And those bastards
stole Judy garland!
Let's hear it for, cat meow.
And now, the girl you've all
been waiting for,
she's the most attractive,
sexiest dancer
here at the tenderloins
Ugh, I wish he wouldn't
always say that.
The first lady of flesh
Erotica!
Oh, I love you guys!
Giddyup, cowboy!
Congratulations, ice holes,
on winning the Stanley cup!
And now, handsome,
naked, rugged athletes,
prepare yourselves to be amazed,
bewildered and bedazzled!
Now you see the priceless,
one-of-a-kind
Stanley cup trophy
Now you don't!
And now, you sexy jocks,
we bid you farewell.
Whoa, that short guy
just called us sexy!
Is that gay, or what?
What's with that weird guy.
He's comin' over here.
I'm with the, uh, national
association of erotic dancers.
Erotica, I'm elated
to inform you that
I'm officially nominating you
for this year's
"stripper of the year" award.
I'm nominated for a "Strippie"?!
Uh-huh, see ya in Las Vegas.
No way!
This is so cool!
The tenderloins is finally
gonna be represented
at the Strippies!
You know, I could really use
some support at the awards show.
We're going to Las Vegas!
Oh, I can't believe
I'm really here.
Somebody pinch me.
Hey!
When I said "pinch me"
I didn't mean it literally.
Boy, am I itching
to do some gambling.
I have a whole system
worked out.
I brought $500.
By the time we leave here,
I will have doubled my money.
I'm gonna start with this $20.
I love Vegas.
The drinking, the gambling,
the indiscriminate sex
But that's the same stuff
you do at home.
Yeah, but all those
things are more fun
when you're on vacation.
Well, I lost it.
You lost your whole $20 already?
No, I lost everything.
Whole $500, it's gone.
That was supposed to
last me the whole week.
I had a system
Well, well,
what do we have here?
Did you guys come to
watch the Strippies?
F-y-i, dirk,
the tenderloins happens to be
in the Strippies this year.
That's right,
Erotica's nominated
for stripper of the year.
Really?
Well, Silicones has
three girls nominated.
The only hope you have,
is coming in fourth.
He's just mean for no reason.
Oh, look!
The amazing Walter and Moe!
They're the world's most
amazing musicians!
I love prestidigitation,
we gotta get tickets!
Ohh, I love playing
with my jewels
This next heist is going to be
the most magnificent,
fantastic one yet.
I'd appreciate it if you'd
stick to the plan for once.
Are you calling me a
non-plan-sticker-to-er?
How dare you?!
I always stick to the plan.
Oh, really?
I must have missed the memo
that said we were stealing
Judy garland!
But I love Judy garland.
I know you do.
Look, Wally, is there
something you want to tell me.
What do you mean?
It's the Judy garland,
the late night trips
to the bathhouses,
your obsession
with show tunes
I saw the way you were looking
at those hockey players.
So, what are you saying?
I'm gay?
I'm not gay.
Even if I was,
what's wrong with being gay?
Nothing!
I didn't say there was
anything wrong with being gay.
Now you're putting
words in my mouth.
I'll put whatever
I want in your mouth!
Don't you forget who's
running this show.
Bitch!
Ugh!
Five, six, seven, eight,
pivot turn, step, hold,
bend and split!
I know you're
gonna win that Strippie.
Hey, girls, listen,
is there any way one of you
could loan me a little money?
I don't need a lot, I, uh
What happened to
the $100 I gave you?
And I gave you $200.
I hit a bad streak.
It's okay,
it's part of the plan.
I'll win it all back
because I have a system.
It's foolproof.
We all left our money
in the room.
I'll get you some money.
Hey, boys!
Here you go.
Gosh, Erotica, aren't you
nervous about the Strippies?
I could never compete
in a competition.
Once, I was in
a hot dog-eating contest
I was so nervous,
I started laughing
and a weiner came out my nose!
Aahhh
Ooh!
Waaah!
The competition's
gonna be tough.
I'm thinking about adding
one more move to my routine.
What move?
Satan's pretzel.
Satan's pretzel?
Well, that's humanly impossible.
I saw a girl try it back in my
hometown of Cameltoe, Missouri.
She broke her leg in 37 places,
and she never stripped again.
Come on, queenster, roll a nine!
Your baby needs a new
pair of royal slippers!
Nine nine!
Yes!
Hi, Kevin.
Wow, look at all your chips.
Yeah!
The queen's on a roll!
The queen of England?
She's in town to
judge the Strippies.
Come on, your majesty,
roll a five!
Five, yes!
Woop-woop
Maybe you should quit
while you're ahead.
Are you kidding?
The system's working,
I'm up $1,500!
Quit?!
Put everything on hard eight.
$1,500 hard eight.
I don't think that's
a very good
Hard eight
Hard eight, whoo!
Hard eight!
Ooh, ooh, ooh
It's a system, the system works!
I'm up $15,000!
Prepared to be perplexed and
astonished by the joy of
Magic!
Ooo, I love magic.
Now you see us
Now you don't!
My tiara, my priceless tiara!
It's been stolen!
Don't you twits
react to anything?!
My chips!
All my money, it's gone!
This is not how the system
is supposed to work!
Chief Stroganoff?
Sorry to call you
on your bra phone,
but this is urgent.
Two masked magicians have just
stolen the queen of England’s
priceless tiara.
I know, I was there.
How did you
hear about it so fast?
Lucky guess.
We believe these are
the same masked magicians
who stole the Stanley cup,
robbed a wax museum,
numerous sperm banks
and men's locker rooms.
I'll keep an eye out.
That's great, but that's
not the reason I called.
I need you to place
$1 million on the Mets
to win the super bowl.
Chief, the super bowl
is football.
The Mets are a baseball team.
Right.
Thank god I don't gamble.
Persephone?
Erotica?
Oh, I must have fell asleep.
You've been out here all day?
Oh, I think I got
a little sunburn.
A little?
Wow!
The amazing Walter has been
holding his breath underwater
for 15 life-threatening minutes.
How does he do it?
It's magic!
What a spectacular presentation!
This doesn't remind me of
anything I've ever seen before.
It was great that the hotel
gave us free tickets
for being robbed.
I'd rather those mobsters
give me back my $15,000.
Persephone,
are you gonna sit down?
People can't see.
I can't, it hurt!
Everything hurt.
I can't even put on clothes.
For our next trick,
we actually are going to
levitate a balding eagle.
Levitate!
How do we do it?
It's magic.
Okay, for our next trick
we're going to need a volunteer.
Who wants to help up saw
the balding eagle in half?
How about you!
I'm sorry, but balding eagles
are an endangered species.
We should focus
on their conservation,
not exploit them
as entertainment.
I don't condone
the use of any animal
for the amusement of
an audience,
and I cannot condone this trick.
So, no, I will not volunteer.
Yeah, that's great, lady,
but we weren't talking to you.
We were talking
to him!
My tiara!
My priceless tiara!
What?
Hmm
I think I know how
the masked magicians are.
It's Walter and Moe.
What do you know about them?
I know they put on
one hell of a show.
Maybe you should pay them
a little visit tomorrow,
see what you can find out.
But tomorrow's the Strippies!
Don't worry,
I'm sure you'll find a way
to fell the villains
and show up at the Strippies
just in time to perform and win.
Oh, the life of
an erotic dancing
superhero/secret agent.
Now, be careful.
Walter and Moe
are masters of illusion.
They'll dazzle you.
You won't believe your eyes.
"The Las Vegas post" says
they're a must-see,
an awesome display
of wonderment and whimsy."
Okay, I get it.
If you love magic,
then you'll love Walter and Moe.
If you can only see
one magic show, then it
Look at me!
I'm a queen, I'm a queen!
Please I'm trying to
watch "trading spaces".
Vern is over-budget
and Paige is going to be
very, very upset.
Yes?
Hi, I'm April.
April, uh Mayjune.
I'm a reporter,
I'm here to interview you.
What?
We don't have an interview
scheduled today.
Who do you work for?
Oh, uh,
the new daily
Journal of magic
Times gazette monthly.
Please, come in.
Entre vous.
Okay, so let's get
right to the questions.
Your stage show is spectacular.
Where were you when the queen
of England’s tiara was stolen?
Aren't you going to record
this interview or take notes?
I I have a good memory.
Hey, is that Judy garland?
Where did you guys get that?
We bought it.
We made it.
For an interviewer, you sure
ask a lot of questions.
Well, sometimes I find
that asking questions
is the best way to get answers.
Of course
Now, if you'll
excuse me for a moment,
I have to go do some
fact-checking.
I mean, go make a doodie.
Walter will keep you
entertained, I'm sure.
Hello, operator?
Do you have you the number
for the new daily journal
of magic times gazette monthly?
Normally I abhor the
objectification of women but
Great ass.
I can't find Erotica anywhere.
What are we gonna do?
Calm down, you crazy meatball.
There's still time.
Erotica not going on
for at least half-hour.
Yeah, before her there's still
the girls from Silicones,
Muffy's, the cock pit, the Gina,
the whisker biscuit
and twatty's.
What are we gonna do?!
Walter, can I see you
for a second?
I thought you'd be
interested to know
I just got off the phone
with the new daily journal
of magic times gazette monthly
and they don't have a reporter
named "April Mayjune."
I thought she seemed
a little suspicious.
Well, she's about
to seem a little
Dead!
Looks like Erotica
got cold feet.
If I was her, I'd be afraid to
dance against my girls, too.
Guess you're
gonna have to forfeit.
Not true.
According to
the Strippie rulebook,
section 12, ordinance 72-b,
"in the event that a stripper of
the year nominee cannot perform,
"a representative from
the nominee's club of origin
"is entitled to be substituted
if said nominee
is incapacitated for
reasons of unknown origins."
So, if Erotica doesn't show up,
we can have someone else
from the tenderloins
dance in her place!
That's right.
Don't look at me,
I'm too sunburned.
So, miss Mayjune,
seeing that you're a reporter,
we thought you'd like a tour
of our private magic room.
Wow, that sounds great!
I decorated this room.
Well, actually,
Moe picked the sconces.
Wow, look at all this stuff!
Can you tell me how
you do that trick
where you make the thousand
pounds of cheese disappear?
A good magician never
tells his secrets!
But we will tell you
how to make you disappear!
Oh, what are you
This is going to be
the worst trick ever
On purpose!
We are gonna turn you
into a abra-cadaver!
Gazelle, you gotta go on!
No, I can't,
I'm terrified of competition.
I have about as much
chance of winning
as a fish in a noodle factory.
What does that mean?
I don't know,
I'm from the south,
we say things like that.
Ahh ugh!
Huh?!
What?!
Nevermind.
The gist was that I'm about
to beat you senseless,
and turn you in
to the authorities.
Get her!
Aaah ugh!
Walter!
Hah, hah
Hah, hah
Oh, enough of
magic-related weapons
I'm going to kill you
the old-fashioned way!
Aah
Walter!
Noooo!
My little wooden baby
Oh, Walter, I'm so sorry!
Moe, is that you, Moe?
Yes, little buddy.
Hang in there, you'll be okay.
I don't feel so hot.
Everything's dark
The authorities
should be here shortly.
I guess I'll make sure they
send an ambulance.
Tell me, Stripperella,
how did you get in that box?
And what happened to that woman
who claimed to be a reporter?
A good magician
never tells her secrets.
Oh, no
The Strippies!
You gotta do this,
we're outta time!
Erotica is
supposed to go on next!
I can't, I just can't!
It doesn't matter if
she dances or not,
she's just going to lose.
She's a big loser.
Like all of you
at the tenderloins.
That's it!
I'm doing it!
Tell 'em Erotica's replacement
is ready to go!
Erotica?
Where have you been?
Am I too late?
The Satan's pretzel?!
A one and two
And, ahh
The winner.
I won, I won!
Erotica, what happened to you?
I wasn't feeling well,
but I suddenly got better.
I guess you could say
it was magic.