Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (2006) s01e10 Episode Script
B-12
Previously on Studio 60: - He's not the only one I'm taking.
- Who else? - Everybody.
- Yeah? - Get Lucy and the new guy.
- Darius.
- Yeah.
- Listen to me.
You're very winning.
Not to me, but to everyone else.
Go control your own press.
Danny, I wouldn't get too many eggs in Jordan's basket.
- I don't think she's gonna make it.
- We'll staff back up.
Till we do, it's gonna be you and two freshman writers.
That's two writers more than I had before.
It's gonna be fine.
With musical guest, Corinne Bailey Rae.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you very much.
Please, settle down.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
It's great to be here hosting Studio 60.
Now, you may know I've been hosting my own show, Deal or No Deal.
Thanks, great show, great job.
But I look forward to leave that behind for a night and getting back to my roots, live comedy.
The producers said I can do anything I wanted so I thought I'd do a little of my Howie? Yeah? This is Daniel Tripp, the executive producer.
It's in the show.
So far, the monologue's going well.
You've been greeted warmly by the audience.
You've hit your camera mark, you've dropped in a plug for your show.
I see what we're doing.
It's a parody of my show.
You can take your chances by continuing the monologue and choosing your next joke from one of these two briefcases or you can walk backstage and get ready for your first sketch.
You know, I was hoping to do something different tonight Call from the bank.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Listen Mm-hm.
Okay.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
- Right.
- I don't stay on the phone that long.
All right.
You're not even talking to a banker.
That's your announcer, Herb Sheldon.
Right.
- You all right? Dizzy? - No more than usual.
- Jeannie.
- I'm fine.
Let's play ball.
- You're sweating.
- I was hot during the open.
- Come here.
- I'm all right.
There's a reporter doing a story for vanity Fair, she's allowed backstage.
Yeah.
- 101.
7.
- Yeah.
- Loosen your pants.
- Aw.
Fine, okay, I'll take Briefcase Number 1.
Open the case.
Corinne Bailey Rae is here.
- Stick around, we'll be right back.
Go music.
We're out.
Whew.
I'm here.
- Now, let me explain something.
The green room is where second cousins go, agents and the girls with the band.
VIPs go in the NBS box and when Hanks and Springsteen come by they can watch the show in Matt's office, or down on the floor with me.
Reporters who write dumb stories about friends of mine watch the show at the In-N-Out down the street.
And that is you, sister.
What a bummer for you I've got a press pass.
What's the matter with you? If you didn't like my column on Tuesday, say so: - I didn't like your column Tuesday.
Two minutes.
I was gonna watch the show with the writers tonight.
- Where are they? - At the In-N-Out down the street.
- What do you mean? - Ricky and Ron left to do Peripheral vision Man at Fox and they took most of the staff with them.
Stuff happened while I was gone? Stuff happened.
Hey.
You're pretty wet.
- Is that right? Have a hard time getting here? The San Gabriel Mountains have fallen into Beverly Hills.
And the prayers of a grateful nation are answered.
I didn't dream it, right? The writing staff quit on Friday? - Most of them, yeah.
- Okay.
And Maisy too.
- Really? It was a loyalty thing.
We'll find you someone else.
Anything funny happen over the weekend? A guy in a Chicago suburb walked into a T-Mobile store and demanded at gunpoint the clerk add 500 minutes to his account.
Wouldn't it be easy for the police to track him? - They were at his house when he got home.
- I'll be in my office.
Martha O'Dell comes back at the end of the week.
And the health office says there's a virus running around.
Gonna be a good show tonight? - Yes.
Then why don't I just sit next to you keep you company and laugh along with America? - I don't have a place for you to sit tonight.
Here you go, Ms.
O'Dell.
Thanks, Billy.
- Thanks, Billy.
Fifteen.
Back 15.
Danny? You look good in your new clothes.
- What happened? - Real life.
In three, two Ladies, there are four of you, but I have but three roses.
As you know, I am an Italian prince, though this is my first time in Italy having spent my youth in Union, New Jersey.
I speak menu Italian, which is to say English.
But the trappings of royalty have not brought me true love and so I seek it here in prime time.
Shane, we share so many interests.
Early Roman fresco and professional hockey.
- Go, Devils.
- Go, Devils.
But, Shane, here in my ancestral home you already did me under the pergola by the basilica and so it's time to move on.
- I understand, Your Highness.
- Heh, heh.
Antelopia, I find myself strangely attracted to you.
Here, give it over here.
When you spoke of your Rick Springfield Listen, it's on the news.
The guy killed his family and then himself.
- No.
- Yeah, he did it in the wrong order.
Yeah.
They're cutting the hostage sketch.
They'll let us know by the end of the first half-hour what they're filling with.
Then this is a good week for there not to be a writing staff.
Yeah.
You guys are pretty far away.
Anybody want to go around the room? Relax, okay, we're gonna be fine.
I have a lot of faith in the two of you.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- I'm sorry? - Pardon? - I didn't hear you.
- I said thank you.
- Me too.
- You're welcome.
- I'm sorry? - You're welcome.
Danny told me about a story in Saturday's paper.
A guy walked into a T-Mobile store with a gun and demanded they give him an additional 500 minutes.
He was easy to trace because they had his cell phone account.
You guys wanna take a whack at writing a sketch about an incredibly bad criminal? Sure.
- I'm sorry? Sure.
- Right, great.
I'm right upstairs when you need me.
We're gonna be great.
- How's it going? - Good.
- Good, good, good.
- Yeah? - Absolutely.
- Good.
- Yeah.
- We need a little help.
- Remember Andy Mackinaw? - Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
He was a very serious guy.
- I thought he was talented.
- Ricky and Ron let him go? - Even more proof.
- Is he funny? - I think so.
- Because I remember him being very serious.
- Serious about comedy.
- What's he doing now? He just did an experimental thing at a theater in Pasadena.
It was a translation of Look Back in Anger.
Look Back in Anger was written in English.
- Yeah, he translated it into Dutch.
- Why? - I don't know, just as an exercise.
- And it was funny? I didn't see it, but I'll bet it was.
Yeah, Look Back in Anger is irresistibly funny to begin with.
I'd think the comic rat-a-tat-tat of Osborne's play must soar even higher in Dutch.
- Yeah.
- In Pasadena.
A couple of years ago, his wife and his daughter were killed in a car accident.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Andy's wife and daughter were killed? - Yeah.
- When? - A couple of years ago.
- Why didn't you tell me? - I heard and I didn't tell you.
- I would've called him.
- You didn't remember him.
I remembered that he was serious.
I'd imagine he's more serious now.
- I thought I'd ask him to come in.
- It's up to you.
Just for the week until we get staffed up again.
You think he can help? - Lf he can't, at least it'll be a mitzvah.
- A what? A nice thing to do.
It'll be good luck.
We're out.
Get the nurse.
Danny? Whoa, whoa.
Hey.
It's Danny, can you hear me? - Here, just stay right there.
- I'm all right.
- Don't get up.
You fainted.
Hear me? I can hear everybody, let's go.
Ninety seconds.
- Don't get up.
- They gotta strike the set.
- Don't get up, Dylan.
I'm standing.
I've gotta make a change.
Guys, give him a hand.
- I got it.
- What does he have? - 8:20.
- You got all the time in the world.
- I'm fine.
- Yeah, you are.
Okay.
- This thing's gonna kill us all.
Thanks, sunshine.
And could these lights possibly be any hotter? - No, this is as hot as they get.
Sixty seconds.
On the couch.
- He's got 8:20.
- I'm fine, I gotta change.
- You've got time.
- Thank you.
- Put this around your neck.
- Thanks.
- You're hot.
- It's about time you noticed.
Don't flirt with me, rook.
- Drink this, baby.
- Thanks.
You fainted in drag and we're not gonna let you forget that soon.
- You're gonna get a shot.
- I'm not great with needles.
- I'll tell you my joke.
- He's not suffering enough? Hey, I just need to practice it.
Hi.
A Jewish guy calls his mother, okay? With his mouth full.
Jewish guy doesn't have his mouth - Mother has her mouth full.
- Nobody has their mouth full.
- Damn.
- No, here it is.
Do it.
- Tom.
- You need more trajectory.
Do it.
- That's paint thinner.
- Beautiful.
- Do me again.
- What was that? An air horn.
- Why's there an air horn here? - Maybe for such an occasion.
I'm better than all of you.
And the proof is I got into The American Falstaff Society.
I'm already in.
- All right.
- Then I'm better than you.
- Feed me.
Bitter? I barely knew her.
- Matt.
- Yeah.
- I got into The Falstaff Society.
- Hey, great.
Are you the first woman? - I'm the 11 th woman.
- Cool.
I'm the first woman from the Great Lakes region.
- You're quite a pioneer.
- I am.
I'm being inducted Saturday night.
I need to tell a joke.
- What kind? - Henny Youngman.
Set it up, knock it down.
A Jewish guy calls his mother and says "Mom, how are you?" Mother says, "Terrible, I haven't eaten in 38 days.
" He says, "Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" Mother says, "I didn't want my mouth full in case you should call.
" A Jewish guy has his mouth full.
- What? - Wait.
A Jewish guy calls his mother.
- He hasn't eaten in 38 days.
- The mother hasn't eaten in 38 days.
The mother hasn't eaten in 38 days.
No, the guy says, "How are you, Mom?" - The mother says - "I haven't eaten in 38 days.
" - Right.
- Yes.
And the son says, "Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" "Because my mouth is full.
I didn't want my mouth to be full.
" - Let me start at the beginning.
- What's the matter? Don't pressure me.
Tell me it again.
Hang on, I've seen this syndrome.
Do me a favor.
Guy walks into a doctor with a duck on his head.
Doctor says, "What can I do?" Duck says: "Doc, would you get this guy off my ass?" - Guy and a duck walk into a doctor's office.
- You can't tell a joke.
- I can too.
- No, you can't.
Like a young child, you hear a joke, get it and can't reconstruct the moving parts.
- That's not true.
- Harriet can't tell a joke.
- I can.
Watch this.
- Hang on.
- What's going on? The FBI's surrounded a house in Grosse Pointe.
A guy's in there with his wife, three kids and a gun.
There's no way this ends well.
Stand by.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Corrine Bailey Rae.
And go camera two.
Yeah, could I get a large half pepperoni, half sausage? Problem is when you were little, your parents told you you were funny.
You didn't realize they're trying to be nice.
Give me something to fill with.
A complicated procedure Cal needs to go through.
Put the new sketch at the end and backs everything up one.
- Right.
- He's gonna need NORAD for that.
Do you have anything? Nothing we cut from dress I'd wanna put back.
We'll go with something we don't like.
And that's the difference between me and you.
- I don't give up.
- Okay.
I'm a doer.
- I know.
I'm an American, not an American't.
Are you chewing gum? You know what that sounds like? I'm chewing nicotine gum, Mrs.
Cleaver, which I'm now addicted to.
- Well, spit it out.
- Did I tell you I went into hair and makeup and half the cast was standing around doing? Hey, here we go.
"Spit-take Theater.
" We use the living room set from the hostage sketch and wardrobe puts everybody in Armani and Chanel.
- And everybody does spit-takes? - Yeah.
Let me get Lucy and Darius involved.
They may have a sketch on after all.
- I can have it on cards by News 60.
I can tell Cal? - Yeah.
- All right, go.
Have you let Martha have it for her column? Huh? Said you'd let Martha have it and I wanted to see that.
I banished her from the floor.
She's right on the floor next to you.
Well, she has full access.
She's waving at me right now.
- I know.
- It almost seems like she's mocking you.
Drama Boy, go write four and a half pages about people spitting at each other.
You think you may have been hard on Martha? Go.
I'm gonna kill this woman.
Who's that? - Martha O'Dell.
- I thought you two were becoming friends.
First of all, she's calling Tom's movie a failure.
- She reviewing movies? - She's relating it to Washington.
But she's calling it a failure because it only made 9 million last weekend.
Get an umbrella.
- Who thought it was gonna rain this long? The ground around here can't hold this much water.
And now desert animals are starting to come into my house.
- Snakes and worms.
- Read Martha's column today? Yaks are walking into my house.
She uses a post on a website as a source: - I'll let her have it.
- I wouldn't.
I'm scared of her.
- I'm not.
- Okay.
Andy, it's good to see you.
- How are you? - Good, you remember Danny? - Of course.
Good to see you.
Thanks for helping us out.
I don't think I'll be able to do that, but whatever.
Okay, that's the spirit.
- I'll be in my office.
There are just two of them.
I'm not expecting anything, so no pressure: I'll be doing the lion's share of the writing.
I just wanted to put some experience in the room.
Lucy Kenwright, Darius Hawthorne, this is Andy Mackinaw.
They're working on a sketch about a bad criminal.
Why don't you? - How many sketches have you had on? - Me? How many sketches have you had on the air? I haven't None.
- What about you? - I was just hired last week.
They're fresh.
- Is there anything new? - Yeah, the FBI talked - I was asking them.
- Sure, establish a special bond.
- Great.
- Blond girl.
The guy put his 5-year-old on the phone because the FBI needed assurances that everyone was okay.
And? You? The girl said she was okay, but her father was keeping her sisters in a separate room.
- Heh.
Why don't we start? - Why don't we start by sitting a little closer to each other? You can see there police have secured - This has been more than 24 hours now.
- Twenty-seven hours.
- They love this one.
- The news loves rich people gone mad.
By Thursday, his property will have doubled in size.
Let's sit down.
The Beat? We're waiting on Taylor's rewrite.
- Should be when? Monday.
- Are we anywhere on casting? - We're waiting.
- Gina? - Carrie.
- The show.
Gina? I've read it and it needs work.
- How much? - Page one.
- Why did we buy it? It was an overall.
- Cross-Country? - Casting's got a good list.
Casting's got a wish list.
When Spencer Tracy passes, I wanna know who they're going to.
Gina can be a good vehicle for somebody.
It can be a racecar.
- Racecar is a palindrome.
- I'm sorry? It's a palindrome.
Racecar spelled backwards is racecar.
Why is Lunch Pail still on here? Guys, I passed on this.
- Jack wanted us to make a bid.
- Yeah? - Jordan - Okay, that's it.
We'll meet again this afternoon.
Carrie, stick around.
- How did he know about it? - I'm sorry.
- It's just that I felt strongly about it.
- You should've expressed that to me.
- I apologize.
- All right, don't worry about it.
- All right.
- Hang on.
There's a thing around and I'm not gonna get it.
When I pass on something, don't put it back in development.
- Second of all, Lunch Pail sucks out loud.
- Hang on.
And finally, Danny Tripp told me what you two talked about on the plane last week.
- What do you mean? - "What do you mean?" Flawless impersonation.
You told him you thought I'll get fired.
- I think you'll get fired.
- On what grounds? There's growing public perception that you're a twit.
That exists only inside this building and possibly only inside this office.
It exists inside Newsweek too, J-Mac.
- Did you read it? - Yes.
The way you sit in a chair in a meeting is "kittenish.
" You toss your hair back.
You speak in a wispy voice.
Girlish.
I was surprised by how the woman's editor let her get away with "- ish.
" - But you know what she's saying.
- Cheerleaders didn't wanna sit next to her.
I'm a network executive, not Paris Hilton.
What does it matter? - You are.
- What? Paris Hilton.
You got made into Paris Hilton.
Press decided they needed a new one and you're good casting.
When people tune in to the new schedule, they won't care if I'm Paris Hilton I hear that, but right now, your constituency is the TMG board.
Three board members, by the way, are on my phone sheet right now and they all wanna talk about Newsweek.
Or Crazy Christians.
Or the sex clubs.
They'll wanna know why you're not lifting a finger to stop it despite the fact that Shelley and I have begged you to.
I don't owe the people who read the National Enquirer an explanation.
How about your board of directors? Is there anything else? I'll have Shelley set something up.
One interview.
Newsweek? Screw Newsweek, I wouldn't wanna sit in my chair the wrong way.
Time Magazine.
Attaboy.
I'm on page two and I don't know what the sketch is about.
It's about a hapless criminal in a hostage situation.
You're gonna have to explain it to the audience like that because I'm on page two and I don't know what the sketch is about.
Buy the premise, buy the bit.
You can't do jokes until you've stated the premise.
Once we state the premise, is the rest of it funny? - You don't wanna use me as a test for that.
- Why not? I don't find anything funny.
We've been working on one sketch for five days.
We've done 13 passes.
I have a good feeling about the 14th.
Excuse me.
- Hello.
- They said you wanted to see me.
- Yeah, listen.
Maisy left with Ron and Ricky.
Are you interested in being Matt's assistant? - Me? - Yeah.
You get a nice raise.
- I don't need a raise.
- Okay.
I'll take the raise.
Come on.
Keep his appointments, keep his phone sheet and you keep people out.
Everybody wants 10 minutes.
You're the gatekeeper.
- How do I know who to let in? - You'll learn.
- Read Martha O'Dell's column on Tuesday? - Yes.
Agree that it's terrible she sourced an anonymous web posting to support her point? - I liked the piece.
- Never disagree with me.
- It made me sick.
- All right.
- Speaking of sick - You and Matt need shots.
I'll set it up.
- Veronica.
- Yeah.
It took a lot of convincing, but Suzanne's agreed to be your assistant.
- Lf you'll take me.
- I'll take the hell out of you.
Is there a way you'd like me to dress? Sure, but I have to wake up for school now.
Tell Karen to draw you $200 from petty cash and buy some nice work clothes.
- Two hundred dollars? - It's on us.
- Am I working for Matt in 1963? How much do you need? I've got some stuff in my closet.
You both need B-12 shots from the nurse.
- I've had mine and Danny can't have one.
- Why not? Memo said you can't have the shot if you're pregnant.
- It can be dangerous if you're pregnant.
I'm not pregnant.
Have you checked? You've been hormonal.
- It's testosterone.
- It's estrogen.
Suzanne, why don't you get Danny one of those little kits? - Probably keep a bunch in your car.
- He's trying to get a riff.
- Don't feed the fire and it'll go out.
One more.
- What? - You can't get that shot if you're pregnant.
Chevy Chase woke up one day and he just wasn't funny anymore.
Thanks, Suzanne.
- Hey, come on in.
Fatigue set in.
They re-established communication, he's trying to negotiate, they're optimistic.
That's good.
- How's it going down there? - Fine.
I'm gonna go home.
- For the day? Forever.
They're talented people, just inexperienced.
And they need a teacher the way you and I had Wes.
When you walked me into the room on Tuesday, you said the following: "There's no pressure.
I'm gonna write most of the show.
There's no pressure, they don't have to do anything.
" - It's true.
They know that.
They're trying, but they know they're not getting anything on the air.
Lesson one is they gotta live and die on Friday night.
They gotta feel like success in a three-minute sketch is the same thing as love.
And they've gotta fear failure like it's grim death.
They gotta be as damaged as you are.
That's a lot to shoot for, Andy.
It is.
I try to yell at them as often as I can.
That's a good start, just not good enough.
- What do you think? - Toss them in the river.
If the union would let me drown them, don't you think I'd have done that? Give their sketch a spot at the dress tonight.
Let them hear what All right.
- Are you still holding Tuesday's paper? - I can't allow this to go unprotested.
- Martha's column? - Yes.
Any chance you're making too big a deal out of it? - No.
- You're ushering in the end of the world.
- I don't think I am.
- Torn its ticket, handed it a program.
- Showing it to its seat.
- Because I didn't like the movie? I didn't either, but you called it a failure.
And your basis was that it only grossed 9 million at the domestic box.
- A commercial failure.
- What do you care? What does anybody care except the studio or the exhibitor? Why are budgets and grosses printed in your paper like they're sports scores? We cover business.
Doesn't get printed in the business section.
It's in the arts section.
In this case, it was printed in my column which is in the Op-Ed section.
And I was using the lack of commercial success to make my point.
That wasn't the only thing you were using.
"Dilbert27 at AintltCoolNews.
com writes " You kept the newspaper? "Dilbert27 writes, 'Its failure is no surprise.
It's typical high-minded indie film claptrap to make us care about hayseeds suffering from Lyme disease.
"' - So go yell at Dilbert27.
- I can't.
I don't know who Dilbert27 is, and neither do you.
You sourced an anonymous web post to support your point? Two-time Pulitzer Prize winning columnist for the New York freaking Times? At first I wasn't sure, but now that I see Dilbert27 agrees with her - Are you kidding me? - Your fly's open.
Made you look.
I'm right, she's wrong and I'm gonna make her cry like a girl.
She's writing a story about our show, so maybe not.
- This is more important.
- What? - Me being right.
- Okay, here it is.
Nobody here knows how to operate an umbrella? - A guy calls his mother.
- Oh, God.
The guy says, "How are you, Mom?" - Damn.
Yeah.
- The guy's Jewish.
- Yeah.
All right, a guy calls his mother.
He's Jewish.
She can't tell a joke? A Jewish guy calls his mother on the phone.
It's like watching a drunken man cross an icy street.
- Go dry yourself.
- Yeah, okay.
The rain's turned traffic upside down.
PCH has been closed since Monday and getting through the canyons is an adventure.
- Excuse me.
- Bill Chatzky.
- You ready? - You can settle in first.
No, Bill, let's do it to it.
Okay.
"Ten Questions for Jordan McDeere.
" They tell me you've been reluctant to speak on your own behalf.
Yes.
- Why? You know how you win at three card monty? - How? - Get someone to play.
Does it anger you when people say that you're just a pretty face? I always forgive my enemies.
Nothing annoys them nearly as much.
Ha.
Speaking of enemies at your very first press conference, you left some with the impression that you regard the Christian Right as an enemy to be either beaten or ignored.
- Is that accurate? - No.
Beaten and then ignored.
And now, the serious answer? I admire people of faith.
All faiths.
That's not hard for me to do because I went to Catholic school K through 12 and nobody's more nuts than we are.
Heh.
Did you buy a pilot script called Nations? I did more than that.
I made a full series commitment.
It's a one-hour drama about the U.
N.
How wide do you imagine its appeal will be? Hundred and ninety-one countries belong to it but I can see how we'd have problems syndicating to Taiwan and Vatican City.
Again, the serious answer.
The Pew Research Center says the two most reviled professions in America are in this order, lawyers and doctors.
Hasn't stopped shows about lawyers and doctors.
I'm sure you weren't happy to learn that your ex-husband is publishing a book.
He makes claims in it about your lifestyle when you two were together.
Do you wanna respond to that? Only to say that we had a lifestyle and we were together and I regret both of those things very deeply.
What did your husband do when you met him? He dealt three card monty.
I can tell you enjoy giving humorous answers.
And it's disarming.
But some people wonder if you're aware of the serious jeopardy you're in.
- Yeah? - Yes.
- What people would that be? - You mean specifically.
- Yes.
- Why not move on to the next question? I wanna stay with this one.
There's talk among people in the industry.
It's been reported The talk among people in the industry And that was absolutely penetrating specificity.
- Hasn't been reported, it's been created.
The way it just was a moment ago.
Stories need conflict, that's understandable.
Except reporters aren't supposed to be storytellers.
Stop trying to entertain me.
- You don't like the press.
- That was 10 questions.
By the press, you're talking about a lot of people.
I don't like you.
I don't think you've spoken to a person who's unhappy with my job performance.
You're "reporting" on what you and the guy in the cubicle next to you were talking about at lunch.
That makes you a hairdresser and a cockfight promoter.
- Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Bill.
Great dress.
Great dress rehearsals, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Great dress.
Yeah, that's what tanking is like.
- That was unbearable.
- Wasn't it though? - Was it really only three and a half minutes? No.
It ran short because no one had to hold for laughs.
It wasn't wasted time.
You gave people a chance to think about their lives and where they parked their cars.
- Let's get out here.
- Stand there another minute.
- Why? - The metaphor.
There you go.
All right, come on.
Here's what you wanna do.
What? - Drink.
- You did this on purpose, didn't you? - I did.
- I'm trying it again.
Gonna try to write another sketch? - I'm writing this sketch.
- Yes.
Usually it's that 23rd pass where you have a breakthrough.
Hey, you can stand there or you can help us but either way - You know? - You really laid me low with that one.
- What if we simplified the whole thing? That's what I was thinking.
I'd just sit in the dark and weep.
Buy the premise, buy the bit.
The worst criminal in the world has taken hostages in a bank.
Let's throw out everything that isn't that.
We're gonna need the nurse.
She's coming.
- Jeannie and Tom aren't gonna make it.
They'll be fine.
Like they've got something you can only catch in Africa.
Did you get a shot? - I've already had mine.
- It's a miracle drug.
- B-12? Yeah, it gets everybody through the show.
Energy, stamina, improved immune system.
- Margaret Thatcher got one every day.
- Did you get one? - No.
- Is it because you're pregnant? Try that callback many times.
It still won't be as funny as you want.
Speaking of not funny, we'll lose "Metric Conversion.
" - "Bedtime Stories.
" - "Bad Clams"? - "Bad Clams.
" Excuse me.
Hey.
- Keep the hostage sketch.
They've got a rewrite.
Dress came down 20 minutes ago.
- They did it.
- Suzanne.
Yeah.
Remember when I told you about being a gatekeeper? Yes, sir.
- This is why.
Guys, I know you worked hard all week, but it isn't there yet.
It is now.
- What? - It is.
Solid double up the middle.
We'll cut "Prison Art Collector" and put it in the 12:45.
The reason I'm putting it at the end is so Harry and Sim have time to rehearse.
- What are you saying? - You got a sketch on tonight.
- What? You're professional writers.
Go call your parents.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Get a timing from Cal, might be short.
- It's not gonna be with the laughs.
- Thank you.
- What? Thank you.
Go.
Thank you.
Ah.
I don't know.
I maybe might have, um:::: - What? - Enjoyed it a little.
- I don't know.
- You'll come back one more week? One more week.
The result of a mitzvah.
I see what we're doing.
It's a parody of my show.
You can take your chances by continuing the monologue and choosing your next joke from one of these two briefcases.
Or you can walk backstage and get ready for your first sketch.
Yeah, you know I was hoping to do something different tonight Call from the bank.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Listen.
- Right.
- I don't stay on the phone that long.
Camera three's ready.
All right.
You're not even talking to a banker.
That's your announcer, Herb Shelton.
Take this to the floor.
- You've got it too? - How are you the only one who's not sick? I'll tell you.
I'm a medical marvel.
- Yeah? A guy calls his mother after 38 years.
Days.
Wait.
- Damn it.
- Kill me right now.
You look good in your new clothes.
Just be watching at 12:45.
And tell Sherry and Jill.
Twelve-forty-five.
Make sure Grandma's up.
About a guy who takes hostages, but he's bad at it.
It's Lucy.
It's true, I have a sketch on tonight.
- Guys? - I gotta go, 12:45.
I have to get off the phone now.
The show's already started.
I love you.
The guy in Grosse Pointe just killed everybody and then himself.
He killed the kids? Yeah.
Well, it would be in bad taste to do the sketch.
Yeah.
- I'm sorry, guys, it's one of those They're all right.
They're pros.
Good.
We'll come up with something in the next 20 minutes rehearse it and put it in the end of the show.
You don't wanna put back something from dress? I think the four of us can top it.
Something simple using the same set.
- You're just gonna wing it? - No, no, no.
We're gonna wing it.
Take 10 minutes to think on your own and then we'll pitch.
Paul McCartney says writing new music sustained him through his acrimonious divorce.
Tracks off his latest album include, "I Earned It, I Was in the Beatles, You Slut.
" And the prom ballad, "Way Worse Than Yoko.
" And finally, Pakistan's Parliament is debating its controversial rape law.
Under a proposed new amendment a rape victim would no longer have to produce four witnesses.
Instead, she will be required to produce a unicorn.
- I'm Simon Stiles.
- I'm Harriet Hayes and that's the news.
We're out.
- It's called a man-on-the-street interview.
I never knew why I was to care about the man on the street but at least he looked like the man on the street.
We saw him.
He was the regional distributor for a soft drink company.
He was catching his train.
I don't know whether Dilbert27 is 10 years old or a Labrador retriever.
Hey, if a dog types, I'm quoting him.
Would you get your face out of that computer? Life is happening all around you and you're watching the commentary.
I'm reading an e-mail from a colleague who says Jordan punted a Time interview.
- What happened? - I've just been sent the interview.
Should I read it or should I observe the life that's happening all around me? Did he ask you if you liked him? - No.
- You just volunteered that you didn't.
Yeah.
And that you feel reporters are a bunch of hairdressers.
Not all reporters.
I made it very clear I was talking about him.
Much better.
If you wanna explode, Jack, you're right, go ahead.
No, I've done that already.
- Jack, I - What can I tell you, Jordan? You've got two lives, okay? The real one and the character you play in the press.
The audience doesn't care about the character I play in the press, Jack.
They just don't.
Your audience is Wilson White and the board of TMG.
You were supposed to fix it and you made it worse.
Knock, knock.
- God.
- Knock, knock, rook.
- Who's there? - Orange.
Banana.
- Orange.
- Banana.
It's banana.
Banana, banana, banana.
Then you say orange.
"'Orange' you glad I didn't say banana?" Four-year-olds tell it.
Okay, well, calm down.
I happen to be a member of What? - Falstaff.
- Falstaff Society.
All right, here it is.
It's easy, but pay attention.
Spit-Take Theater.
Same five actors, same set, elegant clothes.
It's going on the cards and we'll mark it in the next c-break.
You speak in a stentorian voice.
First round, the actor third to the left of the person speaking does a spit-take.
Second round, actor third to the left and immediately to the left does a spit-take, and on the final round, anyone who isn't speaking does a spit-take.
- All right.
Good.
Wait, I made it through the week without getting sick.
And we're ending the night with everybody spitting at me? - That's better.
- Yeah.
Everybody just spit at Harriet.
They should all Good.
Every time.
Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Corinne Bailey Rae.
You wanna fight some more? Yeah, in a minute.
I'll be right back.
- What's up? - Hi, I just got here.
Was it a good show? I thought so.
It got out of hand here at the end, but that's good too.
- I screwed up so bad.
I did.
- No, you didn't.
- Come on.
- I fell into every stereotype.
- Every cliché of - You were funny.
- What happens when a woman is - What? - I was hormonal.
- What are you talking about? - I was.
- What are you talking about? Hey, this thing is on a couple of websites now.
Reactions posted, almost 20 of them so far, and they're incredibly supportive.
- I wrote one of them down.
- Who's it from? - It doesn't matter.
- Who's it from? A guy named Dilbert27, but I think he's right on the money.
- Oh, hell.
- What? - All right, we'll sit right here on the floor.
- I'm okay.
Okay, we'll just sit right here.
- This happened to Dylan during the show.
- I'm okay.
- No, no, no.
No, you're hot.
Sit right here.
- I'm okay.
- I'm gonna get the nurse.
- Okay.
- She's gonna give you a B-12 shot.
- I can't.
- Be right back.
- I can't have the shot.
- Just sit here.
- Make sure she doesn't give me the shot.
- You're pregnant.
- I'm pregnant.
- Who else? - Everybody.
- Yeah? - Get Lucy and the new guy.
- Darius.
- Yeah.
- Listen to me.
You're very winning.
Not to me, but to everyone else.
Go control your own press.
Danny, I wouldn't get too many eggs in Jordan's basket.
- I don't think she's gonna make it.
- We'll staff back up.
Till we do, it's gonna be you and two freshman writers.
That's two writers more than I had before.
It's gonna be fine.
With musical guest, Corinne Bailey Rae.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you very much.
Please, settle down.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
It's great to be here hosting Studio 60.
Now, you may know I've been hosting my own show, Deal or No Deal.
Thanks, great show, great job.
But I look forward to leave that behind for a night and getting back to my roots, live comedy.
The producers said I can do anything I wanted so I thought I'd do a little of my Howie? Yeah? This is Daniel Tripp, the executive producer.
It's in the show.
So far, the monologue's going well.
You've been greeted warmly by the audience.
You've hit your camera mark, you've dropped in a plug for your show.
I see what we're doing.
It's a parody of my show.
You can take your chances by continuing the monologue and choosing your next joke from one of these two briefcases or you can walk backstage and get ready for your first sketch.
You know, I was hoping to do something different tonight Call from the bank.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Listen Mm-hm.
Okay.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
- Right.
- I don't stay on the phone that long.
All right.
You're not even talking to a banker.
That's your announcer, Herb Sheldon.
Right.
- You all right? Dizzy? - No more than usual.
- Jeannie.
- I'm fine.
Let's play ball.
- You're sweating.
- I was hot during the open.
- Come here.
- I'm all right.
There's a reporter doing a story for vanity Fair, she's allowed backstage.
Yeah.
- 101.
7.
- Yeah.
- Loosen your pants.
- Aw.
Fine, okay, I'll take Briefcase Number 1.
Open the case.
Corinne Bailey Rae is here.
- Stick around, we'll be right back.
Go music.
We're out.
Whew.
I'm here.
- Now, let me explain something.
The green room is where second cousins go, agents and the girls with the band.
VIPs go in the NBS box and when Hanks and Springsteen come by they can watch the show in Matt's office, or down on the floor with me.
Reporters who write dumb stories about friends of mine watch the show at the In-N-Out down the street.
And that is you, sister.
What a bummer for you I've got a press pass.
What's the matter with you? If you didn't like my column on Tuesday, say so: - I didn't like your column Tuesday.
Two minutes.
I was gonna watch the show with the writers tonight.
- Where are they? - At the In-N-Out down the street.
- What do you mean? - Ricky and Ron left to do Peripheral vision Man at Fox and they took most of the staff with them.
Stuff happened while I was gone? Stuff happened.
Hey.
You're pretty wet.
- Is that right? Have a hard time getting here? The San Gabriel Mountains have fallen into Beverly Hills.
And the prayers of a grateful nation are answered.
I didn't dream it, right? The writing staff quit on Friday? - Most of them, yeah.
- Okay.
And Maisy too.
- Really? It was a loyalty thing.
We'll find you someone else.
Anything funny happen over the weekend? A guy in a Chicago suburb walked into a T-Mobile store and demanded at gunpoint the clerk add 500 minutes to his account.
Wouldn't it be easy for the police to track him? - They were at his house when he got home.
- I'll be in my office.
Martha O'Dell comes back at the end of the week.
And the health office says there's a virus running around.
Gonna be a good show tonight? - Yes.
Then why don't I just sit next to you keep you company and laugh along with America? - I don't have a place for you to sit tonight.
Here you go, Ms.
O'Dell.
Thanks, Billy.
- Thanks, Billy.
Fifteen.
Back 15.
Danny? You look good in your new clothes.
- What happened? - Real life.
In three, two Ladies, there are four of you, but I have but three roses.
As you know, I am an Italian prince, though this is my first time in Italy having spent my youth in Union, New Jersey.
I speak menu Italian, which is to say English.
But the trappings of royalty have not brought me true love and so I seek it here in prime time.
Shane, we share so many interests.
Early Roman fresco and professional hockey.
- Go, Devils.
- Go, Devils.
But, Shane, here in my ancestral home you already did me under the pergola by the basilica and so it's time to move on.
- I understand, Your Highness.
- Heh, heh.
Antelopia, I find myself strangely attracted to you.
Here, give it over here.
When you spoke of your Rick Springfield Listen, it's on the news.
The guy killed his family and then himself.
- No.
- Yeah, he did it in the wrong order.
Yeah.
They're cutting the hostage sketch.
They'll let us know by the end of the first half-hour what they're filling with.
Then this is a good week for there not to be a writing staff.
Yeah.
You guys are pretty far away.
Anybody want to go around the room? Relax, okay, we're gonna be fine.
I have a lot of faith in the two of you.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- I'm sorry? - Pardon? - I didn't hear you.
- I said thank you.
- Me too.
- You're welcome.
- I'm sorry? - You're welcome.
Danny told me about a story in Saturday's paper.
A guy walked into a T-Mobile store with a gun and demanded they give him an additional 500 minutes.
He was easy to trace because they had his cell phone account.
You guys wanna take a whack at writing a sketch about an incredibly bad criminal? Sure.
- I'm sorry? Sure.
- Right, great.
I'm right upstairs when you need me.
We're gonna be great.
- How's it going? - Good.
- Good, good, good.
- Yeah? - Absolutely.
- Good.
- Yeah.
- We need a little help.
- Remember Andy Mackinaw? - Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
He was a very serious guy.
- I thought he was talented.
- Ricky and Ron let him go? - Even more proof.
- Is he funny? - I think so.
- Because I remember him being very serious.
- Serious about comedy.
- What's he doing now? He just did an experimental thing at a theater in Pasadena.
It was a translation of Look Back in Anger.
Look Back in Anger was written in English.
- Yeah, he translated it into Dutch.
- Why? - I don't know, just as an exercise.
- And it was funny? I didn't see it, but I'll bet it was.
Yeah, Look Back in Anger is irresistibly funny to begin with.
I'd think the comic rat-a-tat-tat of Osborne's play must soar even higher in Dutch.
- Yeah.
- In Pasadena.
A couple of years ago, his wife and his daughter were killed in a car accident.
- No.
- Yeah.
- Andy's wife and daughter were killed? - Yeah.
- When? - A couple of years ago.
- Why didn't you tell me? - I heard and I didn't tell you.
- I would've called him.
- You didn't remember him.
I remembered that he was serious.
I'd imagine he's more serious now.
- I thought I'd ask him to come in.
- It's up to you.
Just for the week until we get staffed up again.
You think he can help? - Lf he can't, at least it'll be a mitzvah.
- A what? A nice thing to do.
It'll be good luck.
We're out.
Get the nurse.
Danny? Whoa, whoa.
Hey.
It's Danny, can you hear me? - Here, just stay right there.
- I'm all right.
- Don't get up.
You fainted.
Hear me? I can hear everybody, let's go.
Ninety seconds.
- Don't get up.
- They gotta strike the set.
- Don't get up, Dylan.
I'm standing.
I've gotta make a change.
Guys, give him a hand.
- I got it.
- What does he have? - 8:20.
- You got all the time in the world.
- I'm fine.
- Yeah, you are.
Okay.
- This thing's gonna kill us all.
Thanks, sunshine.
And could these lights possibly be any hotter? - No, this is as hot as they get.
Sixty seconds.
On the couch.
- He's got 8:20.
- I'm fine, I gotta change.
- You've got time.
- Thank you.
- Put this around your neck.
- Thanks.
- You're hot.
- It's about time you noticed.
Don't flirt with me, rook.
- Drink this, baby.
- Thanks.
You fainted in drag and we're not gonna let you forget that soon.
- You're gonna get a shot.
- I'm not great with needles.
- I'll tell you my joke.
- He's not suffering enough? Hey, I just need to practice it.
Hi.
A Jewish guy calls his mother, okay? With his mouth full.
Jewish guy doesn't have his mouth - Mother has her mouth full.
- Nobody has their mouth full.
- Damn.
- No, here it is.
Do it.
- Tom.
- You need more trajectory.
Do it.
- That's paint thinner.
- Beautiful.
- Do me again.
- What was that? An air horn.
- Why's there an air horn here? - Maybe for such an occasion.
I'm better than all of you.
And the proof is I got into The American Falstaff Society.
I'm already in.
- All right.
- Then I'm better than you.
- Feed me.
Bitter? I barely knew her.
- Matt.
- Yeah.
- I got into The Falstaff Society.
- Hey, great.
Are you the first woman? - I'm the 11 th woman.
- Cool.
I'm the first woman from the Great Lakes region.
- You're quite a pioneer.
- I am.
I'm being inducted Saturday night.
I need to tell a joke.
- What kind? - Henny Youngman.
Set it up, knock it down.
A Jewish guy calls his mother and says "Mom, how are you?" Mother says, "Terrible, I haven't eaten in 38 days.
" He says, "Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" Mother says, "I didn't want my mouth full in case you should call.
" A Jewish guy has his mouth full.
- What? - Wait.
A Jewish guy calls his mother.
- He hasn't eaten in 38 days.
- The mother hasn't eaten in 38 days.
The mother hasn't eaten in 38 days.
No, the guy says, "How are you, Mom?" - The mother says - "I haven't eaten in 38 days.
" - Right.
- Yes.
And the son says, "Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" "Because my mouth is full.
I didn't want my mouth to be full.
" - Let me start at the beginning.
- What's the matter? Don't pressure me.
Tell me it again.
Hang on, I've seen this syndrome.
Do me a favor.
Guy walks into a doctor with a duck on his head.
Doctor says, "What can I do?" Duck says: "Doc, would you get this guy off my ass?" - Guy and a duck walk into a doctor's office.
- You can't tell a joke.
- I can too.
- No, you can't.
Like a young child, you hear a joke, get it and can't reconstruct the moving parts.
- That's not true.
- Harriet can't tell a joke.
- I can.
Watch this.
- Hang on.
- What's going on? The FBI's surrounded a house in Grosse Pointe.
A guy's in there with his wife, three kids and a gun.
There's no way this ends well.
Stand by.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Corrine Bailey Rae.
And go camera two.
Yeah, could I get a large half pepperoni, half sausage? Problem is when you were little, your parents told you you were funny.
You didn't realize they're trying to be nice.
Give me something to fill with.
A complicated procedure Cal needs to go through.
Put the new sketch at the end and backs everything up one.
- Right.
- He's gonna need NORAD for that.
Do you have anything? Nothing we cut from dress I'd wanna put back.
We'll go with something we don't like.
And that's the difference between me and you.
- I don't give up.
- Okay.
I'm a doer.
- I know.
I'm an American, not an American't.
Are you chewing gum? You know what that sounds like? I'm chewing nicotine gum, Mrs.
Cleaver, which I'm now addicted to.
- Well, spit it out.
- Did I tell you I went into hair and makeup and half the cast was standing around doing? Hey, here we go.
"Spit-take Theater.
" We use the living room set from the hostage sketch and wardrobe puts everybody in Armani and Chanel.
- And everybody does spit-takes? - Yeah.
Let me get Lucy and Darius involved.
They may have a sketch on after all.
- I can have it on cards by News 60.
I can tell Cal? - Yeah.
- All right, go.
Have you let Martha have it for her column? Huh? Said you'd let Martha have it and I wanted to see that.
I banished her from the floor.
She's right on the floor next to you.
Well, she has full access.
She's waving at me right now.
- I know.
- It almost seems like she's mocking you.
Drama Boy, go write four and a half pages about people spitting at each other.
You think you may have been hard on Martha? Go.
I'm gonna kill this woman.
Who's that? - Martha O'Dell.
- I thought you two were becoming friends.
First of all, she's calling Tom's movie a failure.
- She reviewing movies? - She's relating it to Washington.
But she's calling it a failure because it only made 9 million last weekend.
Get an umbrella.
- Who thought it was gonna rain this long? The ground around here can't hold this much water.
And now desert animals are starting to come into my house.
- Snakes and worms.
- Read Martha's column today? Yaks are walking into my house.
She uses a post on a website as a source: - I'll let her have it.
- I wouldn't.
I'm scared of her.
- I'm not.
- Okay.
Andy, it's good to see you.
- How are you? - Good, you remember Danny? - Of course.
Good to see you.
Thanks for helping us out.
I don't think I'll be able to do that, but whatever.
Okay, that's the spirit.
- I'll be in my office.
There are just two of them.
I'm not expecting anything, so no pressure: I'll be doing the lion's share of the writing.
I just wanted to put some experience in the room.
Lucy Kenwright, Darius Hawthorne, this is Andy Mackinaw.
They're working on a sketch about a bad criminal.
Why don't you? - How many sketches have you had on? - Me? How many sketches have you had on the air? I haven't None.
- What about you? - I was just hired last week.
They're fresh.
- Is there anything new? - Yeah, the FBI talked - I was asking them.
- Sure, establish a special bond.
- Great.
- Blond girl.
The guy put his 5-year-old on the phone because the FBI needed assurances that everyone was okay.
And? You? The girl said she was okay, but her father was keeping her sisters in a separate room.
- Heh.
Why don't we start? - Why don't we start by sitting a little closer to each other? You can see there police have secured - This has been more than 24 hours now.
- Twenty-seven hours.
- They love this one.
- The news loves rich people gone mad.
By Thursday, his property will have doubled in size.
Let's sit down.
The Beat? We're waiting on Taylor's rewrite.
- Should be when? Monday.
- Are we anywhere on casting? - We're waiting.
- Gina? - Carrie.
- The show.
Gina? I've read it and it needs work.
- How much? - Page one.
- Why did we buy it? It was an overall.
- Cross-Country? - Casting's got a good list.
Casting's got a wish list.
When Spencer Tracy passes, I wanna know who they're going to.
Gina can be a good vehicle for somebody.
It can be a racecar.
- Racecar is a palindrome.
- I'm sorry? It's a palindrome.
Racecar spelled backwards is racecar.
Why is Lunch Pail still on here? Guys, I passed on this.
- Jack wanted us to make a bid.
- Yeah? - Jordan - Okay, that's it.
We'll meet again this afternoon.
Carrie, stick around.
- How did he know about it? - I'm sorry.
- It's just that I felt strongly about it.
- You should've expressed that to me.
- I apologize.
- All right, don't worry about it.
- All right.
- Hang on.
There's a thing around and I'm not gonna get it.
When I pass on something, don't put it back in development.
- Second of all, Lunch Pail sucks out loud.
- Hang on.
And finally, Danny Tripp told me what you two talked about on the plane last week.
- What do you mean? - "What do you mean?" Flawless impersonation.
You told him you thought I'll get fired.
- I think you'll get fired.
- On what grounds? There's growing public perception that you're a twit.
That exists only inside this building and possibly only inside this office.
It exists inside Newsweek too, J-Mac.
- Did you read it? - Yes.
The way you sit in a chair in a meeting is "kittenish.
" You toss your hair back.
You speak in a wispy voice.
Girlish.
I was surprised by how the woman's editor let her get away with "- ish.
" - But you know what she's saying.
- Cheerleaders didn't wanna sit next to her.
I'm a network executive, not Paris Hilton.
What does it matter? - You are.
- What? Paris Hilton.
You got made into Paris Hilton.
Press decided they needed a new one and you're good casting.
When people tune in to the new schedule, they won't care if I'm Paris Hilton I hear that, but right now, your constituency is the TMG board.
Three board members, by the way, are on my phone sheet right now and they all wanna talk about Newsweek.
Or Crazy Christians.
Or the sex clubs.
They'll wanna know why you're not lifting a finger to stop it despite the fact that Shelley and I have begged you to.
I don't owe the people who read the National Enquirer an explanation.
How about your board of directors? Is there anything else? I'll have Shelley set something up.
One interview.
Newsweek? Screw Newsweek, I wouldn't wanna sit in my chair the wrong way.
Time Magazine.
Attaboy.
I'm on page two and I don't know what the sketch is about.
It's about a hapless criminal in a hostage situation.
You're gonna have to explain it to the audience like that because I'm on page two and I don't know what the sketch is about.
Buy the premise, buy the bit.
You can't do jokes until you've stated the premise.
Once we state the premise, is the rest of it funny? - You don't wanna use me as a test for that.
- Why not? I don't find anything funny.
We've been working on one sketch for five days.
We've done 13 passes.
I have a good feeling about the 14th.
Excuse me.
- Hello.
- They said you wanted to see me.
- Yeah, listen.
Maisy left with Ron and Ricky.
Are you interested in being Matt's assistant? - Me? - Yeah.
You get a nice raise.
- I don't need a raise.
- Okay.
I'll take the raise.
Come on.
Keep his appointments, keep his phone sheet and you keep people out.
Everybody wants 10 minutes.
You're the gatekeeper.
- How do I know who to let in? - You'll learn.
- Read Martha O'Dell's column on Tuesday? - Yes.
Agree that it's terrible she sourced an anonymous web posting to support her point? - I liked the piece.
- Never disagree with me.
- It made me sick.
- All right.
- Speaking of sick - You and Matt need shots.
I'll set it up.
- Veronica.
- Yeah.
It took a lot of convincing, but Suzanne's agreed to be your assistant.
- Lf you'll take me.
- I'll take the hell out of you.
Is there a way you'd like me to dress? Sure, but I have to wake up for school now.
Tell Karen to draw you $200 from petty cash and buy some nice work clothes.
- Two hundred dollars? - It's on us.
- Am I working for Matt in 1963? How much do you need? I've got some stuff in my closet.
You both need B-12 shots from the nurse.
- I've had mine and Danny can't have one.
- Why not? Memo said you can't have the shot if you're pregnant.
- It can be dangerous if you're pregnant.
I'm not pregnant.
Have you checked? You've been hormonal.
- It's testosterone.
- It's estrogen.
Suzanne, why don't you get Danny one of those little kits? - Probably keep a bunch in your car.
- He's trying to get a riff.
- Don't feed the fire and it'll go out.
One more.
- What? - You can't get that shot if you're pregnant.
Chevy Chase woke up one day and he just wasn't funny anymore.
Thanks, Suzanne.
- Hey, come on in.
Fatigue set in.
They re-established communication, he's trying to negotiate, they're optimistic.
That's good.
- How's it going down there? - Fine.
I'm gonna go home.
- For the day? Forever.
They're talented people, just inexperienced.
And they need a teacher the way you and I had Wes.
When you walked me into the room on Tuesday, you said the following: "There's no pressure.
I'm gonna write most of the show.
There's no pressure, they don't have to do anything.
" - It's true.
They know that.
They're trying, but they know they're not getting anything on the air.
Lesson one is they gotta live and die on Friday night.
They gotta feel like success in a three-minute sketch is the same thing as love.
And they've gotta fear failure like it's grim death.
They gotta be as damaged as you are.
That's a lot to shoot for, Andy.
It is.
I try to yell at them as often as I can.
That's a good start, just not good enough.
- What do you think? - Toss them in the river.
If the union would let me drown them, don't you think I'd have done that? Give their sketch a spot at the dress tonight.
Let them hear what All right.
- Are you still holding Tuesday's paper? - I can't allow this to go unprotested.
- Martha's column? - Yes.
Any chance you're making too big a deal out of it? - No.
- You're ushering in the end of the world.
- I don't think I am.
- Torn its ticket, handed it a program.
- Showing it to its seat.
- Because I didn't like the movie? I didn't either, but you called it a failure.
And your basis was that it only grossed 9 million at the domestic box.
- A commercial failure.
- What do you care? What does anybody care except the studio or the exhibitor? Why are budgets and grosses printed in your paper like they're sports scores? We cover business.
Doesn't get printed in the business section.
It's in the arts section.
In this case, it was printed in my column which is in the Op-Ed section.
And I was using the lack of commercial success to make my point.
That wasn't the only thing you were using.
"Dilbert27 at AintltCoolNews.
com writes " You kept the newspaper? "Dilbert27 writes, 'Its failure is no surprise.
It's typical high-minded indie film claptrap to make us care about hayseeds suffering from Lyme disease.
"' - So go yell at Dilbert27.
- I can't.
I don't know who Dilbert27 is, and neither do you.
You sourced an anonymous web post to support your point? Two-time Pulitzer Prize winning columnist for the New York freaking Times? At first I wasn't sure, but now that I see Dilbert27 agrees with her - Are you kidding me? - Your fly's open.
Made you look.
I'm right, she's wrong and I'm gonna make her cry like a girl.
She's writing a story about our show, so maybe not.
- This is more important.
- What? - Me being right.
- Okay, here it is.
Nobody here knows how to operate an umbrella? - A guy calls his mother.
- Oh, God.
The guy says, "How are you, Mom?" - Damn.
Yeah.
- The guy's Jewish.
- Yeah.
All right, a guy calls his mother.
He's Jewish.
She can't tell a joke? A Jewish guy calls his mother on the phone.
It's like watching a drunken man cross an icy street.
- Go dry yourself.
- Yeah, okay.
The rain's turned traffic upside down.
PCH has been closed since Monday and getting through the canyons is an adventure.
- Excuse me.
- Bill Chatzky.
- You ready? - You can settle in first.
No, Bill, let's do it to it.
Okay.
"Ten Questions for Jordan McDeere.
" They tell me you've been reluctant to speak on your own behalf.
Yes.
- Why? You know how you win at three card monty? - How? - Get someone to play.
Does it anger you when people say that you're just a pretty face? I always forgive my enemies.
Nothing annoys them nearly as much.
Ha.
Speaking of enemies at your very first press conference, you left some with the impression that you regard the Christian Right as an enemy to be either beaten or ignored.
- Is that accurate? - No.
Beaten and then ignored.
And now, the serious answer? I admire people of faith.
All faiths.
That's not hard for me to do because I went to Catholic school K through 12 and nobody's more nuts than we are.
Heh.
Did you buy a pilot script called Nations? I did more than that.
I made a full series commitment.
It's a one-hour drama about the U.
N.
How wide do you imagine its appeal will be? Hundred and ninety-one countries belong to it but I can see how we'd have problems syndicating to Taiwan and Vatican City.
Again, the serious answer.
The Pew Research Center says the two most reviled professions in America are in this order, lawyers and doctors.
Hasn't stopped shows about lawyers and doctors.
I'm sure you weren't happy to learn that your ex-husband is publishing a book.
He makes claims in it about your lifestyle when you two were together.
Do you wanna respond to that? Only to say that we had a lifestyle and we were together and I regret both of those things very deeply.
What did your husband do when you met him? He dealt three card monty.
I can tell you enjoy giving humorous answers.
And it's disarming.
But some people wonder if you're aware of the serious jeopardy you're in.
- Yeah? - Yes.
- What people would that be? - You mean specifically.
- Yes.
- Why not move on to the next question? I wanna stay with this one.
There's talk among people in the industry.
It's been reported The talk among people in the industry And that was absolutely penetrating specificity.
- Hasn't been reported, it's been created.
The way it just was a moment ago.
Stories need conflict, that's understandable.
Except reporters aren't supposed to be storytellers.
Stop trying to entertain me.
- You don't like the press.
- That was 10 questions.
By the press, you're talking about a lot of people.
I don't like you.
I don't think you've spoken to a person who's unhappy with my job performance.
You're "reporting" on what you and the guy in the cubicle next to you were talking about at lunch.
That makes you a hairdresser and a cockfight promoter.
- Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Bill.
Great dress.
Great dress rehearsals, everybody.
Thank you very much.
Great dress.
Yeah, that's what tanking is like.
- That was unbearable.
- Wasn't it though? - Was it really only three and a half minutes? No.
It ran short because no one had to hold for laughs.
It wasn't wasted time.
You gave people a chance to think about their lives and where they parked their cars.
- Let's get out here.
- Stand there another minute.
- Why? - The metaphor.
There you go.
All right, come on.
Here's what you wanna do.
What? - Drink.
- You did this on purpose, didn't you? - I did.
- I'm trying it again.
Gonna try to write another sketch? - I'm writing this sketch.
- Yes.
Usually it's that 23rd pass where you have a breakthrough.
Hey, you can stand there or you can help us but either way - You know? - You really laid me low with that one.
- What if we simplified the whole thing? That's what I was thinking.
I'd just sit in the dark and weep.
Buy the premise, buy the bit.
The worst criminal in the world has taken hostages in a bank.
Let's throw out everything that isn't that.
We're gonna need the nurse.
She's coming.
- Jeannie and Tom aren't gonna make it.
They'll be fine.
Like they've got something you can only catch in Africa.
Did you get a shot? - I've already had mine.
- It's a miracle drug.
- B-12? Yeah, it gets everybody through the show.
Energy, stamina, improved immune system.
- Margaret Thatcher got one every day.
- Did you get one? - No.
- Is it because you're pregnant? Try that callback many times.
It still won't be as funny as you want.
Speaking of not funny, we'll lose "Metric Conversion.
" - "Bedtime Stories.
" - "Bad Clams"? - "Bad Clams.
" Excuse me.
Hey.
- Keep the hostage sketch.
They've got a rewrite.
Dress came down 20 minutes ago.
- They did it.
- Suzanne.
Yeah.
Remember when I told you about being a gatekeeper? Yes, sir.
- This is why.
Guys, I know you worked hard all week, but it isn't there yet.
It is now.
- What? - It is.
Solid double up the middle.
We'll cut "Prison Art Collector" and put it in the 12:45.
The reason I'm putting it at the end is so Harry and Sim have time to rehearse.
- What are you saying? - You got a sketch on tonight.
- What? You're professional writers.
Go call your parents.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
- Get a timing from Cal, might be short.
- It's not gonna be with the laughs.
- Thank you.
- What? Thank you.
Go.
Thank you.
Ah.
I don't know.
I maybe might have, um:::: - What? - Enjoyed it a little.
- I don't know.
- You'll come back one more week? One more week.
The result of a mitzvah.
I see what we're doing.
It's a parody of my show.
You can take your chances by continuing the monologue and choosing your next joke from one of these two briefcases.
Or you can walk backstage and get ready for your first sketch.
Yeah, you know I was hoping to do something different tonight Call from the bank.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Listen.
- Right.
- I don't stay on the phone that long.
Camera three's ready.
All right.
You're not even talking to a banker.
That's your announcer, Herb Shelton.
Take this to the floor.
- You've got it too? - How are you the only one who's not sick? I'll tell you.
I'm a medical marvel.
- Yeah? A guy calls his mother after 38 years.
Days.
Wait.
- Damn it.
- Kill me right now.
You look good in your new clothes.
Just be watching at 12:45.
And tell Sherry and Jill.
Twelve-forty-five.
Make sure Grandma's up.
About a guy who takes hostages, but he's bad at it.
It's Lucy.
It's true, I have a sketch on tonight.
- Guys? - I gotta go, 12:45.
I have to get off the phone now.
The show's already started.
I love you.
The guy in Grosse Pointe just killed everybody and then himself.
He killed the kids? Yeah.
Well, it would be in bad taste to do the sketch.
Yeah.
- I'm sorry, guys, it's one of those They're all right.
They're pros.
Good.
We'll come up with something in the next 20 minutes rehearse it and put it in the end of the show.
You don't wanna put back something from dress? I think the four of us can top it.
Something simple using the same set.
- You're just gonna wing it? - No, no, no.
We're gonna wing it.
Take 10 minutes to think on your own and then we'll pitch.
Paul McCartney says writing new music sustained him through his acrimonious divorce.
Tracks off his latest album include, "I Earned It, I Was in the Beatles, You Slut.
" And the prom ballad, "Way Worse Than Yoko.
" And finally, Pakistan's Parliament is debating its controversial rape law.
Under a proposed new amendment a rape victim would no longer have to produce four witnesses.
Instead, she will be required to produce a unicorn.
- I'm Simon Stiles.
- I'm Harriet Hayes and that's the news.
We're out.
- It's called a man-on-the-street interview.
I never knew why I was to care about the man on the street but at least he looked like the man on the street.
We saw him.
He was the regional distributor for a soft drink company.
He was catching his train.
I don't know whether Dilbert27 is 10 years old or a Labrador retriever.
Hey, if a dog types, I'm quoting him.
Would you get your face out of that computer? Life is happening all around you and you're watching the commentary.
I'm reading an e-mail from a colleague who says Jordan punted a Time interview.
- What happened? - I've just been sent the interview.
Should I read it or should I observe the life that's happening all around me? Did he ask you if you liked him? - No.
- You just volunteered that you didn't.
Yeah.
And that you feel reporters are a bunch of hairdressers.
Not all reporters.
I made it very clear I was talking about him.
Much better.
If you wanna explode, Jack, you're right, go ahead.
No, I've done that already.
- Jack, I - What can I tell you, Jordan? You've got two lives, okay? The real one and the character you play in the press.
The audience doesn't care about the character I play in the press, Jack.
They just don't.
Your audience is Wilson White and the board of TMG.
You were supposed to fix it and you made it worse.
Knock, knock.
- God.
- Knock, knock, rook.
- Who's there? - Orange.
Banana.
- Orange.
- Banana.
It's banana.
Banana, banana, banana.
Then you say orange.
"'Orange' you glad I didn't say banana?" Four-year-olds tell it.
Okay, well, calm down.
I happen to be a member of What? - Falstaff.
- Falstaff Society.
All right, here it is.
It's easy, but pay attention.
Spit-Take Theater.
Same five actors, same set, elegant clothes.
It's going on the cards and we'll mark it in the next c-break.
You speak in a stentorian voice.
First round, the actor third to the left of the person speaking does a spit-take.
Second round, actor third to the left and immediately to the left does a spit-take, and on the final round, anyone who isn't speaking does a spit-take.
- All right.
Good.
Wait, I made it through the week without getting sick.
And we're ending the night with everybody spitting at me? - That's better.
- Yeah.
Everybody just spit at Harriet.
They should all Good.
Every time.
Ladies and gentlemen, once again, Corinne Bailey Rae.
You wanna fight some more? Yeah, in a minute.
I'll be right back.
- What's up? - Hi, I just got here.
Was it a good show? I thought so.
It got out of hand here at the end, but that's good too.
- I screwed up so bad.
I did.
- No, you didn't.
- Come on.
- I fell into every stereotype.
- Every cliché of - You were funny.
- What happens when a woman is - What? - I was hormonal.
- What are you talking about? - I was.
- What are you talking about? Hey, this thing is on a couple of websites now.
Reactions posted, almost 20 of them so far, and they're incredibly supportive.
- I wrote one of them down.
- Who's it from? - It doesn't matter.
- Who's it from? A guy named Dilbert27, but I think he's right on the money.
- Oh, hell.
- What? - All right, we'll sit right here on the floor.
- I'm okay.
Okay, we'll just sit right here.
- This happened to Dylan during the show.
- I'm okay.
- No, no, no.
No, you're hot.
Sit right here.
- I'm okay.
- I'm gonna get the nurse.
- Okay.
- She's gonna give you a B-12 shot.
- I can't.
- Be right back.
- I can't have the shot.
- Just sit here.
- Make sure she doesn't give me the shot.
- You're pregnant.
- I'm pregnant.