Sullivan and Son (2012) s01e10 Episode Script

Hey, guys.
How was the movies? Oh, expensive.
Your father and I dropped 40 bucks.
It's not just the tickets.
It's all the snacks your mother wants to get.
First we got to get popcorn.
Well, it's the movies.
And jujubes.
Well, you got to have something to throw at the people who talk.
And then nachos? I know it's not cheese, but sometimes you just want goo.
I wish you guys would have told me.
I would have gone with you.
No, no.
You always want to see a movie like "the joy luck club.
" Where the mother and the daughter cry and get close.
I mean, who does that? Give me your bourbon.
Make it a double.
Double bourbon? What's going on? I was suspended from work without pay.
Apparently, someone thought they heard me say something inappropriate or offensive.
You got to be careful, Hank.
Today's workplace is a very politically correct environment.
I know.
Listen, we got all types at work.
And we're always busting each other's balls.
We talk politics, religion, sports.
The lesbos can get very yacky about the golf.
And between cutting each other up and celebrating birthdays, and hiding the fat lady's special food We do our job as air-traffic controllers.
Let me get this straight.
As air-traffic controllers, your priority is birthday cakes, pranking the fat lady, landing planes safely? No, no, no, no.
Pranking big Gloria is always first priority.
Hey, relax.
It's all done by computers.
A bell goes off if the red lights get too close.
They call it "collision-avoidance alarm.
" We call it "nap-over bell.
" It's a freaking Noah's ark over there.
And now I have to go to some formal hearing where they'll decide what's happening to me.
That sounds kind of serious.
Do you need a lawyer? - God, I probably do.
Steve, will you represent me? - I'd be happy to.
In my defense, I've learned stuff over the years.
I know there are some things you can't say "Wop," "jap," "pope-lover.
" It's a good thing my father's dead.
He wouldn't last a day.
da, da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Hey, babe, what do you got on tap? Well, we got a lion, an iron city, and we got a new one called "like hell you're 21.
" I've got I.
D.
This I got to see.
"Height 6'2".
" Maybe when you're on your daddy's shoulders.
- This is now mine.
- You're mean! You want a beer? Come back when you can put a curly one on the soap.
Now get out before I call the cops! I love busting fake I.
D's.
Such a high! You know who could use a fake I.
D.
? You.
Me? Why would I need a fake I.
D.
? To say you're 65.
I'm not 65.
I know that, mom, but when you're 65, you get senior-citizen discounts on everything.
Think of all the money you'll save.
You never had my undivided attention more.
I have a fake I.
D.
for the university of Pittsburgh.
I use it to get into parties, go to the gym, and take advantage of the student health center.
I find that my health needs and the health needs of the average frat boy are perfectly in sync.
This looks real.
Wait, Carol You're a theater major? Yeah.
I thought it would be a wonderful way to meet young fellas.
But as it turns out, a lot of the guys in the theater department had the same idea.
Hank, I read your whole file, even talked to your head of H.
R.
, and I got all of the details of the complaint against you.
Apparently, you were landing a plane from air Hong Kong This is gonna be good.
And you called them "air no long dong.
" Come on! I was just joking around.
I was clever, it rhymed, and it's true.
It's a well-known fact.
It's just like with these guys It's down to the knee.
Do you know how ignorant you sound right now? Hold on.
The man's making a point.
This isn't fair.
Hank never calls me anything.
Because you're white.
Oh, right, I am.
It's awesome.
These are ridiculous racial stereotypes that are completely unfounded.
Exhibit a Me, on the high-school swim team, wearing a speedo.
Bam! Well, that doesn't count.
You got half-Irish running around down there.
You're welcome, kid.
Hank, I'm just saying.
If we go to hearing and you talk like this, you're gonna lose your job.
Hey, I know how to keep it in check.
Oh, I don't know, Hank.
It's pretty easy to wind you up.
These guys do it every day.
We don't wind him up.
Oh, come on! Just yesterday you asked him his opinion of president Obama.
I just wanted Hank's perspective on America's first black president.
And I learned something new I did not know he walks around the white house in a do-rag.
And, Ahmed, you brought in blueprints for a 747.
You should have seen his face! You see something, say something.
It says it on all the posters.
That's what I'm talking about.
You keep doing this, we're going down.
I know where the line is.
I'm not sure you do, Hank.
You call Steve "half-breed," me "camel-humper," and Roy Hey! Watch it! I have never used that word in my life, and I never will.
Yeah, you said a lot of stupid stuff, but I never wanted to hit him.
Well, that's because I'm fine with your people, Roy.
You know, when your little guys come around selling candy for a B.
S.
Charity that doesn't exist, I always buy some.
It shows initiative A Jew-like initiative.
I am going down, aren't I? Mom.
I went to Carol's friend, and I got you a fake I.
D.
Check it out! Oh, that's a wonderful picture of me.
I look so happy.
What's that from? It was taken the day I left for college.
Oh, hey, this looks very official.
But you gave me a different name.
You don't want this traced back to you, so I made it up.
Kim Jong-Il? The ruthless dictator of North Korea? Sorry, mom.
No, no! Big fan! Hank, we're gonna do a little word association, try to break the reflexive patterns in your thinking.
Now, I'm gonna say a word, and I want you to say the least offensive term you can think of.
Will do.
India.
Casino jockey.
I don't mean native American.
Although I'm glad you can be racist against them, too.
I meant Indian Indian.
Okay.
My apologies.
Uh, slurpee-maker.
Hey! You got to do better than this! Your job is on the line.
I say gay, you say? Nephew.
Until we sent him to that camp where they cure 'em.
Hey, there's my girls! What have you been up to? We had a great day! I used my fake I.
D.
for a lot of discounts.
I went to the museum for free, got my blood pressure checked at the mall for free.
I called AAA for a tow Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to the car? Nothing.
Roadside assistance is free.
I had them tow us to Korean barbecue.
You two had lunch together? It was kind of like our version of "the joy luck club.
" If that movie had fake I.
D.
s, it wouldn't have sucked so bad.
So you two are getting closer by cheating businesses? No.
We're getting closer by saving money.
Cheating businesses are just the icing on the free cake I get tomorrow at the safeway.
Hey, Hank.
Nice suit.
Thanks.
It's my coffin suit.
Hank, you ready for this? I don't know.
I'm a little nervous.
I promise I'll do my best, but just in case, I took the liberty of drafting something for you.
It's a heartfelt letter of apology.
You might have to read it out loud.
No, I'm not gonna need that.
I have you as a lawyer.
And that's got to make a good impression because you're half I'm gonna hold on to this.
Hey, you know what? It occurs to me that, you know, we've got the united nations over here.
You think they might come down and vouch for me? Well, it wouldn't hurt to have them as character witnesses.
Hey, uh, fellas, I'm facing the firing squad this afternoon, and it'd help out a lot if you guys would come down and maybe say a few words on my behalf.
So you want us there so you can say, "hey, some of my best friends are dark and darker"? Well, that'd be a cute way to put it.
I don't know, Hank.
I'm a little busy today, what with planning on blowing up a plane.
And I'm booked solid selling candy door-to-door.
Well, don't you think you could reschedule those things? Hank, to be honest, I'm not comfortable going in a room full of people telling them that you're not a racist.
Why? Because you're kind of a racist.
What?! I don't believe this! Just because of a couple of jokes?! How come you guys never complained about any of this stuff before? Because this is a bar.
I choose to be here.
It also helps that there's alcohol Kind of makes everything funny.
There's no way I'd put up with you at work.
You know, I know who I am.
I'm a good, honest person, a freaking sensitive guy! And if a couple of my brown friends don't want to help out, well, then screw 'em.
And for your information, we drink as much alcohol at work as we drink here.
That's it.
I'm never flying again.
Yeah.
Like they'd let you on a plane.
I don't get it.
Why can't I be a character witness? Because you're white.
Wow.
Racism really does sting.
Calling to order case of Henry "Hank" Murphy for improper conduct.
Good afternoon.
I'm Steve Sullivan.
I'll be representing Mr.
Murphy.
Very well.
Is the complainant here? A white guy? I'm here because a white guy complained? I'm not white, Hank.
I'm 1/32 cherokee.
A white guy's not allowed to complain about racism.
You've left me little choice.
Your comment about air Hong Kong was the last straw.
This guy has had it in for me ever since I made fun of him riding his little bike to work.
I'm minimizing my carbon footprint.
I'll put a carbon footprint up your ass! This is what I put up with every day.
Please forgive my client for his outburst.
He's very nervous.
I'm not nervous.
I'm pissed! I mean, I'd get it if it was some minority or one of the lesbos or the kid in the wheelchair, who, uh "In my heart" Boy, I feel sorry for Hank.
He's down there all by himself.
You want us to bail out the guy who calls you "Pittsburgh's favorite amusement ride"? I find it endearing.
Jack, what do you think we should do? Well, it's not for me to say.
That's on you.
But he has been a friend.
When you guys needed a coach for little league, who stepped in? And when you needed a car for the prom, who lent you his? Yeah, and then he also called the cops when I didn't bring it back by midnight.
This reminds me of a little story Aw, good.
I love your stories, mom.
About a young, single mother trying to hold down a job and raise a little boy, stressed out of her mind.
One day she comes out of the supermarket.
Her arms are full of groceries, she's got the baby in a carrier, she's got the keys in her teeth.
She puts the baby on the roof, she puts the groceries in the back, the keys in the ignition, and off she goes.
Was the baby all right? Yes and no.
But when the people turn her in to the county, who's the one person who came to her defense? It was Hank.
He went down to the judge and said, "okay, she's not perfect, but nobody's perfect.
"All right, so she left the baby on the roof of the car.
So she took the baby to spring break.
" "Yes, he chewed through the tv cord.
But she's a decent woman, and she's trying her best.
" And you know who that woman was? Me.
Shocker! Wow.
I don't remember any of that.
Well, when you chewed through the tv cord, boy, it zapped the hell out of you.
No, really.
For the next three months, he could heal you with a touch.
"To sum up, in the words of mother Teresa, "'if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt Only more love.
'" thank you, Mr.
Murphy.
Mr.
sherman? Good afternoon.
I'll try my best to make this brief, as my emotions are still very raw.
Ever since Mr.
Murphy's horrible racist rant, my life has become a living hell, oh Oh, boy.
- Objection, your honor.
- On what grounds? Over-acting.
Ouch.
I'd like to submit my dream journal as evidence.
Please disregard the sketches of Ryan gosling.
That's for something else.
Thank you, Mr.
sherman.
Mr.
Sullivan, anything else? Um Tell him about the little black kids selling chocolate.
Nothing more.
Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
One moment, sir.
I have two character witnesses that would like to speak on Mr.
Murphy's behalf.
Very well.
My name's Roy Williams.
I'd like to speak directly with the man who made the complaint.
That would be me.
A white dude?! White people can't complain about racism! Uh, I'm 1/32 cherokee.
So's my ass.
Okay, great.
Let the record show that at 3:42 P.
M.
, I was the victim of reverse racism.
This this is all messed up here.
Sure, Hank can let it fly and say a few things that are racially insensitive, but he's not a racist.
He is.
Kind of.
But he gets less racist every year, which is more than I can say about my grandmother, who hated all you people.
When I was a kid playing hockey, it was Hank who bought us our uniforms.
That's right.
He supported a black man playing hockey.
Now, how progressive is that? My name is Ahmed Nassar, and I'm an Arab-American.
For Christmas this year, Hank gave me this squiggly knife.
To some people, this is a racial stereotype.
But I know Hank was trying to give me something he thought I'd want.
Just like the decorative lamp he gave me for my birthday.
Whether it has a genie inside, as he claims, is another story.
As you can tell from these moving words, Hank is not someone we should fear.
What we should fear is the person that presents himself as politically correct, but secretly harbors racist thoughts.
With Hank, you always know where you stand.
And maybe it's time we all stop being so offended and learn to laugh at ourselves.
And it speaks volumes of Hank that he has the support of an African-American, an arab-American, and myself, who, as Hank might put it, is "half" Sorry.
How do I transcribe that gesture? Slope eyes.
Excuse me? No! I meant I meant "oriental eyes.
" Asian! "Asian eyes!" Private eyes! Hall and oates! I'm clearly having a seizure.
Please, somebody get me a pencil to bite on! As a member of the Asian-American community, and founder of the Korean bartenders of Pittsburgh guild membership, me I am deeply offended.
Why so much hate, Robert? Why? This whole thing is being taken out of context.
"Out of context"? You're out of context! This whole hearing is out of context! People, please! Wow.
In consideration of the recent turn of events, I have no choice but to dismiss the charges against Henry Murphy.
Yeah! All right! Ha! - Come on! Thanks, guys! I love you guys! - Right back at you.
Hey! You're excluding the white guy from the hug.
Get in here, dumbass! May I have everybody's attention, please? I want to thank you all for being in my corner.
Of course, buddy.
And I want you to know something, fellas.
I never mean any harm.
You guys are like sons to me.
I know I've said some things that have offended you.
And for that, I'm really sorry.
And listen, the next time I say something that offends you, tell me.
I'm trying to be better.
- Yep.
- You got it.
And I also want to thank my attorney, Steve Sullivan, esquire, for destroying the opposition.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! This time it was the asians who dropped a big one! Here we go again.
Oh, Hank.
Hey, Hank.
What do you want? Well, since we both have to attend racial-sensitivity training, I was thinking maybe we could go together.
You know Mend some fences.
Why the hell not? You're beautiful.
And Steven, I want to apologize to you for using that racial slur.
Ah, don't worry about it.
No.
I do worry about it.
I violated you.
In a sense, I raped you.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
Robert, you are a big guy.
I'd remember.
- Are you ready to go? - I will be as soon as I finish these.
- Do you want one? - Oh no, thank you, alcohol interacts poorly with my anti-psycothics.
So, those guys land airplanes, and we're all okay with that.
This is fun, isn't it, mom? Hanging out, seeing movies? Well, I like the half price.
Actually, Susan, I am having fun.
- Really? - Really.
One adult, one senior.
Well, well, well.
We meet again.
You.
Really? You're 65, uh, Kim jong-il? That's my name.
I'm keeping this.
Now we're even.
Come back when you break a hip and you've got a Walker with tennis balls.
It's okay, mom.
I'll buy the ticket.
It's not fun when you pay full price.
Yeah, but the mother-daughter thing is fun, right? Eh, maybe not so much.
But, mom, they have the nachos with the goo, and I'll buy the jujubes and the popcorn.
And after these past few days, I feel like we've really connected.
For the first time in our life, there's love, and Stop! You had me at I'll pay.