Sunnyside (2015) s01e10 Episode Script

1 There's not much in your price range, but this beauty is new on the market.
After so many houses, I don't know if I can take more disappointment.
But it looks amazing and you can't beat the price.
Yes, about the price: I'm legally obliged to inform you that someone died in this house.
What, how long ago was this? Fairly recently.
Come on.
Ahhh! - They have stainless steel appliances.
- Yes.
Ma'am, can you please not touch that, we're still dusting for prints.
Wait till you see the bathroom.
Once the investigation is done, it's the city's responsibility to have the house professionally cleaned.
Win win! Ah-ha-ha! - Let's see the garden.
- Oh, yes, the garden.
Psst, hey.
Honey! Maybe this place isn't for us! Oh, my gosh.
You would not believe what I just saw.
Holy crap, drop it.
Wha-de-de-what this, this isn't mine.
I-I didn't do anything.
Don't worry, you're gonna get a fair trial, murderer.
Murderer? Fully detached, hardwood floors, sounds like a motive to me.
Amber, say something.
Oh, right, of course, Sherman, we'd love to make an offer.
What the Hands behind your back.
Come on, come on.
- What are you doing? - perfect? What are you doing, wha What are you talking about? There's a woman - Yeah, yeah, tell the judge.
- in the in the showe.
Stand by for your mayor, folks.
Hi, folks! Now I know you guys are just as upset about the Sunnyside crime rate as I am.
Yeah.
No, I'm cool with it.
Well, it's time we stop talking about murder around here and start doing something.
Like what? Like Sunnyside's own firing squad.
I'm pretty sure that's illegal.
No, no, I know it sounds illegal, but my man Eugene here has been doing some smart guy research on Sunnyside, tell 'em what you know, Eugene.
In the late 1700's, Sunnyside had an official firing squad.
Despite the fact that Canada has no capital punishment, the Sunnyside charter supersedes all other laws.
Blah, blah, blah, long story short, it's legal to have a firing squad in Sunnyside, we can start shooting crooks as soon as we want! Yeah! Where's Sunnyside gonna find an experienced firing squad? Alberta.
Yeah.
Hurry up, baby, I had to start without you.
I got some mayor stuff, but we'll talk real soon, okay? - Lookee here.
- Oh, that's a surprise.
Grab your lunch, Sandra, come on, let's go, we're late as it is already.
What did I say about leaving your toys all over? It wasn't me, Mom, it was BoBo.
You can't keep blaming your imaginary friend, this lying has to stop.
I wonder where she gets it from.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, you say you quit smoking and I keep finding ashtrays everywhere.
They're not mine! Come on.
- Oh, I forgot this, hi BoBo.
- H Hey.
Mmm, this coffee really hits the spot.
You must like that coffee a latte.
A latte, get it? Oh, yes, I get it, yes, yes, yes, yes.
That joke was grounds for divorce.
You know, this conversation is a real grind.
Oh, I see what you guys are doing, okay.
Ahh, I coffee you.
This is what we're doing, I coffee you.
What a coffee day it is out today, right? I'm a coffee, right? Oh, guys, I'm so messed up right now.
So messed up, what've I done? What have I done? Shelley! Enjoy your coffees.
Are you mugging for the camera? H-Help, is there a poet in the house? I believe you mean doctor? I am a doctor, he is beyond the help of medicine, but poetry provides a context, giving meaning to this difficult transition.
Did someone say they need a poet? I need a double espresso, stat.
Death, decay, the slow unraveling of existence, empty my emptiness, fill my void with nothing, I hate you, Mother.
Oh, God, it's not working.
Of course not, that's not poetry, that's pretentious unpunctuated prose.
He needs structure, specificity, this man is dying, man, he needs to know what it's all about.
That's it exactly.
Oh, Jim the Budgie, you're so sweet, something, something, something, tweet, oh, Jim the Budgie, something wink something, something, something, sing, man.
That's not even finished, how is that helping? Stop judging me! Yeah, I'm a, a sound poet.
Rhic-te-te-te-te.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Rhic-te-te-te-te.
Be-be-be-be-be.
Chu-ah.
Chu-ah It's too late! He's gone.
I-I'm okay.
Oh.
Okay, what I don't get is he was clearly just choking and you're a doctor, you coulda saved him.
Ha.
I hate breakups.
You're ending our marriage? Well, if you had just kept choking for another 10 seconds, then we wouldn't be having this awkward conversation.
But no, you had to resume breathing, well, I'm out.
We have lots of material for unloved losers.
Okay, why are you back here? My resignation, sir.
I can't accept this, Private.
Without you, who's gonna execute that hardened criminal out there? Those guys, sir, to be honest, I'm not comfortable with the killing.
More money, is that it? Fine, I'll put through to HQ to double your pay.
No, I'm an unpaid intern, I just I just don't like killing people.
Do you think anyone does? Do you think I like it? Fire! Hot damn, that's a good one.
Oh, come on, admit it son, it's thrilling.
That's why you signed up.
No, I signed up because the ad said I'd be learning how to do website design and Quickbooks.
- Sir, listen - Fire! When we started, it was okay, we were killing people who deserved it: murderers and rapists.
Cyclists.
- No, It wasn't my bike, - To his head! - it wasn't my bike! - Fire! Winston Churchill once said: nut up, man, stop being a suckie baby and get back out there and do as you're told, that's an order.
I don't think Churchill said that.
I'm a volunteer and I quit.
This is disappointing, you're like a son to me.
I know, Dad.
And I appreciate you tricking me into this so we could spend more time together, but my mind is set.
Well, if that's how you feel about it.
Sergeant! Sir, yes, sir.
Sergeant, will you please escort this volunteer private to the volunteer court marshal.
Sir, yes, sir.
Daddy! - He was my only son.
- Oh, no.
Man, I love this job, drink? Ah, no, it's, ah, 8am, sir.
Not in my old home of Fort Garrick, Alberta.
Ah, no, it would be 6am there, sir.
That is very very good, there you go.
- Daddy, Daddy, Dad - Fire! I'm really sad about Gordon.
Tragic.
One minute he's posting a Vine of his lunch, the next minute, gone.
Such a waste, he had such cool tweets.
And his Facebook posts always supported the right causes, he was against rape.
We should have an online funeral, hashtag remembering Gordon.
I'll create a Facebook tribute page and reblog on Tumblr.
Hey, guys! Gordon.
We thought you were dead.
Why would you think that? You haven't been posting.
Oh, that, yeah, I just got off social media, dumped it all, just real world interactions from me from now on.
So I'll send out the funeral E-vites.
I'm really gonna miss Gordon.
Hi.
Sampson, I feel like I can really talk to you.
No, not talkin', let me know when my lawyer gets here.
Actually, I just wanted to tell you that today is my six month performance review.
What's that got to do with me? It's just that my job is kinda on the line 'cause I screwed up a few times so when I question you, if you could just, maybe like, crack a little and like Yeah, not gonna happen.
Confess to just, like a little crime.
No.
Please? No.
So, Sampson.
We've got a description matching yours, robbing the same bank three times.
Forget it, Peg, you got nothing.
But I bet you wanna confess just, like a little right, Sampson? I don't think so.
Come on, please, please, for me? You call that an interrogation, kid? But Sampson is just about to confess.
I need a closer, send in Coerski.
Sampson, where did you hide the money? You're done here, Carrie.
Okay, yeah, I guess I'm done.
My mother's house, 221 Sunnyside.
You did it! Partner, that was a little unorthodox, but it worked.
Well, I had a little help from a very special someone.
Ah, I'm not worried, my lawyers gonna knock this down to time served, which is what, like 20 minutes at this point? Hello.
What's happening? I wanna talk to my lawyer! Please! His lawyer! Fire! And there you go.
Americano, please.
Oh, if it isn't the knuckleballer who struck me out.
Don't worry, the offer's been withdrawn.
This batter knows when to take a walk.
That's baseball talk, right? I never noticed what big capable hands you have.
What, these? Just my picker uppers.
Watching you make my coffee just now, I It kinda turned me on.
How 'bout dinner tonight, my place? 8 o'clock? Be sure to bring your hands.
Okay, everyone, put your keys in the bowl.
This is great, eh? A real swinging key party.
Now, you're cool with this, right? Because I don't want you to freak out.
Honey, I love you, if this is something you wanna try, then fine, let's do it.
You're the best babe.
I promise this is gonna spice up our love life.
I'll go first.
Honey, I love you so much, let me.
Woo, okay, here we go.
Whose are these? Hey, those are mine.
You can go again.
No, I'm good.
Yeah, but, hun, you got Jimmy.
Luck of the draw.
Jimmy, your bookie.
Yeah, yeah that's right.
You're gonna go home with Jimmy? That's the way the game works right? You take the keys, you go home, you intercourse the owner.
You gotta play by the rules, right? Yeah, but you can choose again.
Wouldn't be fair.
Jimmy it is.
That is obviously Jimmy's keychain.
I don't get it, you're the one that wanted to do this.
Now fair is fair.
Jim and I have to go home and explore each other's bodies all night long.
And some of the morning, too.
Well, two can play at this game, I can explore somebody's body too.
Which lucky fellow's are these? Mine, that's my new keychain, so I guess when I'm done with Jimmy, I will see you at home.
Don't wait up.
Ah.
Night night, all.
Great work cleaning up, pumpkin, now off you go to bed.
Put on your PJ's and I'll be up to read you a story, unless BoBo's done that already.
Don't be silly, Mom.
Oh, I forgot, BoBo can't read because she's just pretend, right? No, silly, she just never talks.
I don't know about this BoBo thing, maybe Sandra should see a shrink.
Oh, come on, I had a pretend friend at her age, a dancing dragon named Dutch.
She'll grow out of it.
I hope you're right.
- I'm gonna put her to bed.
- Okay.
Come on, sweetie.
Good night, Dad.
BoBo? Oh, that is a monster of a sandwich.
Oh, but you hardly touched it, here, have some of mine.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm fuller than a hell on a Saturday night.
Listen, where is this date going exactly? Ah, why don't you try opening this jar of pickles for me? Pickles, okay.
Ugh, ahh.
Ah, there you go.
You're good, wow.
Why don't you just try, um kneading this ball of dough for a little bit? Kneading dough? Yeah, you know, just a few nice big squeezes.
Okay, um Good.
Oh, yeah, really good.
Don't be afraid, get in there.
Okay, I'm becoming oddly uncomfortable.
Oh, I'm sorry, well, here, I have these Chinese meditation balls, - you just put them in your hands like that - Okay.
and just twirl them around like that.
Oh, you're good at that.
Oh, faster.
Oh, faster! Faster! Faster! Faster! Faster! Okay, you're scaring me, okay? I have to go.
Oh, no, wait, here, let me make it better, here, just let me, let me kiss your nice big capable hands.
Oh, no, you're sick, ahh.
Hey.
Dutch the Dancing Dragon.
My childhood pal.
It has been too long! Dutch the Dancing Dragon Dutch the Dancing Dragon Well, that was our last Sunnyside criminal, sir, so, ah, permission to head home? Head home? No, no, no, not now, not when there are others, people who might commit crime, people who have considered committing crime, people who watch crime cop TV shows, people who own cats.
Sir, that could be everybody.
Yeah, well, small price to pay for security.
Kill the patient, kill the disease, that's what my plan was when I was gonna go into medicine.
Permission to speak freely, sir? That is never gonna happen.
No, people start speaking freely, the next thing you know, Mr.
Communist is at the door saying my penis is to small.
Fire! Did you just call my penis small, Sergeant? No, no, sir.
No? I must have dreamed it.
People call me a dreamer.
An idealist, that guy called me a psychopath.
Fire! But I ask you, is it psychotic to wanna be the last person on the Earth just so my daddy will look at me? Why would you not look at me, Daddy? A psychopath? No.
Not you, sir.
You're not a psychopath.
Hurry, run! Run from the psychopath, he's crazy! Oh, no, no, no, you can't cancel the firing squad, not when we're so close to cleaning up Sunnyside.
Look, I'm as anti-crime as the next guy, but the booze can, the baby fights, the opium dens are gone! How's the mayor supposed to blow off steam? What is going on here? I woke up this morning and found this methhead asleep in the den.
Oh, that's where she went.
At least we caught her, ma'am.
Mom, you can't arrest BoBo, she's my best friend.
What, this is BoBo? That means she's been there for weeks.
Oh, I'm stunned, completely unaware this has been going on.
Oh, we should call Dr.
Lisa, make sure this street person hasn't given our daughter some horrible disease.
Maybe we should all get checked.
In case we all got infected from drinking glasses and toilet seat covers.
What does this women say in her defense? She doesn't seem to talk.
Oh, well, that's probably just as well.
Why? Insurance reasons? Please, Mr.
Fake Mayor, just one more execution for old time sake? Oh, what the hell.
I can't say no to you.
Hey, what? Oh! Stop or I'll shoot! Sorry! - Get back here! - Hey, Mom, wanna party? What?