Swedish Dicks (2016) s01e10 Episode Script

1 INGMAR: When I found out that the person I thought was my best friend [LAUGHING.]
my partner, had lied to me AGENT POLL: Your boy Tex wasn't a stuntman.
POLL: That was his cover.
He was a hitman.
INGMAR: And was still alive I'm warning you.
Don't talk to the FBI about our little meeting.
- Or what? - If you do, I'm gonna kill you right after I kill your daughter.
INGMAR: Tex threatening Sarah had made me concerned for her safety.
So I didn't think there would be any harm in calling her to make sure she was all right.
[TELEPHONE RINGING.]
- [RINGING.]
- Ohh.
What? Is that any way to talk to your father? It is when he's calling me every fifteen minutes to know whether or not I'm okay.
Nobody's been bothering you, no strange people showing up in your life? As a matter of fact, there is a strange person - who's shown up in my life.
- Who? You.
[DISCONNECTS.]
Sarah.
- Mr.
Bergman, hi! - I just wanted to let you know that you didn't get the promotion.
- Robert did.
- I did.
I hope there's no hard feelings.
No.
O-Of course not.
Good.
- Sir? Quick question.
- Sure.
How did you make the final decision? To be honest with you, you both were dead equal.
Well, that's not true.
I was a little better.
Like I said dead equal.
The reason why he got the promotion was because, well, he had seniority.
By one week.
Like I said seniority.
Have a good day.
Hope there's no hard feelings.
No.
'Course not.
[ROBERT WHISTLING.]
Aaaaaah! Swedish Dicks 1x10 You start by humming.
Then you take a sound.
Any sound.
[IMITATES BASS-AND-DRUMS.]
Boing! Boing! Hey! We're walkin' here! We're walkin' here! Watch where you're goin', asshole! Hey, asshole! You must look out.
- I am just tired.
- Yes, you look tired.
- Should I buy a coffee for you? - Yes let's do.
[SIREN BLEATS.]
Ingmar.
Just the man we wanted to see.
There's been an interesting development in Dimitri's murder case.
Autopsy shows the poison on the darts is a close variant to a poison we believe Tex used on a hit in Chicago eleven years ago.
While you two were filming Death Hard.
So, what are you sayin' here? Huh? Oh, you think Tex might have something to do - with Dimitri's murder? - Yeah.
Tex is dead, guys.
True.
Tex is dead.
If anything should pop into your memory about what happened when you were at Dimitri's, you give us a call.
All right? INGMAR: Sure.
[CAR DOORS SHUT.]
Here you go.
What is it? Nothing.
INGMAR: So, after much thinking and drinking I had come to a conclusion.
The best way to ensure Sarah's safety was for me to leave this crazy, fucked up world and go back home to Sweden.
- SARAH: Sweden?! - That's right.
But you said you'd never go back.
Yeah, I know, but I say a lot of things I don't mean and I talk a lot of crap.
You know.
Yeah, but what made you change your mind? Honestly, I do miss it.
- You miss the freezing cold? - Yeah, and the darkness? And the very high taxes? I know it might sound crazy, but yes, I do miss those things.
Especially the high taxes.
I mean, they make sense, after all.
But what about us? Who's always been nagging me about giving her some more space? That's true.
What about the agency? I mean, we can't close it down now.
No, you don't have to.
No, I-I want to keep it going, but I-I need a partner.
- I be your partner.
- Really? On one condition.
We keep name same.
Well, thank you, Sun, that's very nice of you, but you don't have to keep the name just to honor my memory.
I no keep name to honor your memory.
I keep name to keep costs down.
INGMAR: So it was decided I'd go back to Sweden which would hopefully keep Sarah out of harm's way.
[TIRES SCREECH IN DISTANCE.]
[LOUD CLANK.]
- [TIRES SCREECH.]
- [METALLIC SCRAPING.]
Hello? [CLANK.]
I know there's someone here.
Look, I think it's only fair that I warn you, my father is a kickass private investigator, and he will track you down if you so much as touch a hair on my head.
Do you hear me? [METALLIC SCRAPING SOUND.]
All right, you know what? Fuck it.
You want to play hardball, let's play hardball.
Come out where I can see you.
Wha Oh Oh, my God! Robert! - Do you hear me? - [GROANS.]
I heard someone screaming.
What happened? I I ju I don't know.
Just go call the ambulance.
Looks like you got that promotion after all.
[GROANS.]
[EXHALES.]
INGMAR: Robert's beating had been more than just an opportunity for Sarah to advance her career.
It had been a message from Tex.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
[RINGING.]
Hello? - Did you get my message? - No.
Sure you did.
The beating in the garage? Just wanted to let you know that I'm around.
This is what happens when you talk to the FBI.
I didn't say anything.
Shut up and listen.
Next time it's your daughter.
Tex you don't have to worry about me saying anything to anybody.
In fact, I'm moving back home.
To Switzerland? No, Sweden.
I think it would be best for all of us - if I go back.
- Yes.
That makes sense.
Good luck.
Thanks.
One more thing.
Yeah, what? Remember to flush.
Tex? SUN: I no understand.
Out there people cheating, stealing, killing Why we have no client? You just have to be patient.
- You be patient! - [MUG SHATTERS.]
Oh.
Sorry.
I just I didn't mean to yell.
I just I nervous.
I It's my first day on job.
I I need something to calm me down.
Yeah, maybe a nice, hot cup of herbal tea.
I prefer hot cup of masturbate.
What? - Is better than hot cup of tea.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Sarah.
I want to hire the two of you.
[GASPS.]
First client.
- Uh, yes.
- What's wrong? Okay, you know that guy Robert from my job who beat up in the garage? Now he's accusing me.
Of beating him up? No, of hiring the person who did.
- Why would you do that? - To get the promotion.
Yes, exactly.
Ohh.
Very clever on your part.
Well, I didn't do it, Sun.
And we prove you not do it.
And even if you did we girls stick together.
- Hmm? - Yeah.
I relax now.
INGMAR: Obviously I was a little upset when I heard that Sarah had hired the Dicks to find out who had beaten up Robert, but I played it cool.
Are you out of your fuckin' minds?! You can't take Sarah's case! - Why not? - Why not? - Isn't it obvious, Axel? - No.
- No? - No! - Are you sure? - Yes.
- Yes? Yes? - Yes! Su It's a conflict of interest.
Don't you get it? I mean, of course you'll prove Sarah had nothing to do with it, because you know Sarah and you like her - He love Sarah.
- No - You want to kiss her.
- I don't love her.
I-I - You attracted to her.
- Attraction is not love.
Well, tell that to your man-stick.
You can't accept this case, because it's not even a case.
Of course it's a case! She hired us! Are the police pressing charges? - No.
- No? Then it's not a case.
It's just Robert, who's angry, saying angry things.
Yeah, but he's saying them to Sarah's co-workers.
So what?! So, this a big promotion for Sarah.
She want people to know she earn it, not steal it.
You can't take this case from us INGMAR: I knew they had a point.
Just like I knew that they would get suspicious if I kept trying to get 'em to drop the case.
Tell those fuckin' clowns to drop the case.
I did.
But they wouldn't listen.
Maybe they'll listen to a bullet.
If the police couldn't find anything, they're not gonna find anything.
You didn't leave anything behind, did you? Of course I didn't leave anything behind.
I'm a fuckin' professional.
Then you have nothing to worry about.
INGMAR: And there was nothing to worry about, until Axel and Sun decided to "good cop-bad cop" the parking lot attendant.
Well, I mean, I have to say this is a beautiful garage.
It really is.
I mean, I wish I could park here every day.
Oh, wow.
Great.
Thanks.
So, you didn't see anything unusual the night it happened? Same old same old.
Cars comin' in, cars goin' out.
You tell truth now, or I beat up your skinny black ass! - AXEL: Sun! Sun! Easy! - SUN: God, you're too skinny! Hey! Hey! What the hell are y'all doin'? Uh, just trying to find out some information.
- SUN: Yeah.
- You know, I hired you two because people think that I may have had something to do with beating up my colleague to take his promotion.
And the way you find out said information is by threatening bodily harm? Do you have any idea how that makes me look? - Consistent? - Axel! You right.
My bad.
Sorry.
I still trying to find my style.
Style? I'll tell you, girl, you haven't found it yet.
You know what? This was a mistake.
I'm goin' to Jane McKinney.
- No! McKinney? - Yeah! McKinney.
Shit, fuck, shit! Who the fuck is Jane McKinney? INGMAR: Nobody.
Small-time private investigator.
Loser.
Nothing to worry about.
You always were a terrible liar.
Because I'm addicted to the truth.
You want the truth? I'll give you the truth! If you don't stop McKinney from taking the case, people will die.
[TELEPHONES RINGING.]
Word on the street is, you're leaving town.
- Right.
- What's the matter, Shmigmar? Big dogs finally beat you down? Nah, just time to go home, simple as that.
Believe it or not, we're actually gonna miss you.
I don't believe that.
Good because it's not true.
[CHUCKLES.]
Jane, I'm here because I want to ask you a favor.
Oh, come on, Ingmar.
You know I only sleep with Danes, Finns, and Norwegians.
Pffft.
Please drop my daughter as a client.
You afraid I might find out she has something to do with it? Yeah.
And if she did, I know that you'll find out because you're the best.
True.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'll drop your daughter's case Great.
if you go on the record and let everybody know that the reason you're leaving town is because I beat you down.
What the hell does "on the record" mean? [CLICK.]
The reason I'm quitting the Swedish Dicks and goin' back to Sweden is because Jane McKinney That's me.
beat beat me down.
Like a dog.
Like a dog.
Like a little Swedish dog.
Ruff ruff! a little Swedish dog.
Grr.
Grr.
- Grr.
Grr.
- [JANE HOWLS.]
AXEL: How humiliating.
Especially the way you look.
Angle not flattering.
Well, I did it to save the Swedish Dicks name.
Do you realize how bad it would be if people found out that the founder's daughter went to its biggest rival? What are you doing? I slow-clapping you.
And why are you slow-clapping me? Because we know the real reason you humiliate yourself to get McKinney off case! We think it was you, Ingmar.
What was me? Who beat up Sarah's competition.
- Yeah? Oh.
- Yeah.
Why else would you try so hard to get both us and Jane off the case? Unless you don't want truth found.
SARAH: Dad.
Sarah.
Is that true? - [RINGTONES PLAY.]
- No, no, not at all.
AXEL: Oh! It's the parking attendant.
- Huh? - Hello? ATTENDANT: I'm talking to the Swedish dude, right? Not the crazy Asian lady? Yeah, this is the Swedish dude.
Good, 'cause she freaks me out a lot.
Yeah.
So, uh, was there something you wanted? That night that guy got beat up? I was doing some recording on my cell phone Recording.
I like to show off my mad vocal skills.
- Hey, oh oh oh - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
Oh oh oh Hey-ey-ey - Ohhhhhh, oh oh oh - [tires screech Hey-ey-ey-ey The acoustics in this place are awesome.
Anyways, so I recorded someone in the background if you want to come and check it out.
- Absolutely.
- Only, and I mean only, if you don't bring the crazy Asian lady.
- Yeah.
Deal.
- [DISCONNECTS.]
Wha What was that about? Well, she thinks you freak her out.
She freaks me out.
Yeah, and she recorded someone on her phone.
So now we know who beat up Robert.
Good! Let's go.
Wait.
W-Wait.
I did it.
I'm the one.
- I'm the one who beat Robert up.
- I was right! I was right! High five, partner.
When you first said you were going back to Sweden, I was actually really sad.
But now I'm glad you're goin' back so I never have to see your face again.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, Sarah.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
SARAH: Oh, no.
INGMAR: What is it? Robert just slipped into a coma.
Dad, this is serious! I know it is.
You have to turn yourself in to the police.
The police? It's the right thing to do.
- INGMAR: Sarah was right.
- Yeah.
The only way to keep up the story was to turn myself in.
But before I did that I had to take care of something important.
[ATTENDANT LAUGHING.]
Yeah, okay, it was What?! Man, that's my Ohh! Are you crazy?! Shit.
MAN: How can I help you? Yeah, I-I beat a man into a coma.
Yeah.
Now, before you judge too harshly, the man did try to take away his daughter's promotion.
So you could say he was just looking out for his daughter.
So, this guy you beat, he's not dead? Not yet.
Okay, so we're all backed up with actual murders, so take a seat and I'll get to you when I get to you.
But you mean he would get quicker service if he actually killed someone? Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Keep that in mind for next time.
- Thanks, boys.
- It's quite sick.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
[RINGING.]
Hello? TEX: I want you to listen to what I'm about to say.
There's been a huge change of plan.
- You don't understand - Shut up and listen.
A job came up.
I'm doing it as we speak.
And this one it's going in the history books.
The heat's gonna be out of control.
I'll have to hightail it out of the country.
What? Another killing? Keep your mouth shut, and by this time tomorrow you and Sarah will be out of harm's way.
Well, I just turned myself in for what you did to keep your name out of it.
Seriously? Seriously.
Huh.
That's too bad.
Especially if the guy in the coma dies.
But that's not my problem.
See ya later, alligator.
What was it? - You would not believe me, anyway.
- Try.
- Texia is alive.
- You're right.
I do not believe you.
He's here is the country INGMAR: So, I quickly brought Axel up to date on the situation.
At first he thought I was joking.
Then he felt terrible for what I'd been going through.
And then he made me come to my senses.
If Tex wants to kill, we have to do something.
Hell no.
You do not know who we are dealing with.
Hey, uh, sorry to keep you waiting.
Let's get you booked.
- We have to do something.
We are Dicks.
- And more than that.
- We are Swedish Dicks.
- So now we go.
Hey! COP: Come back here! - AXEL: Do you know where Tex is? - INGMAR: I think so.
The last thing he said was, "See ya later, alligator.
" Yeah? And? INGMAR: That's the tag line from a movie we worked on together, and we shot the end scene at the Sears building downtown.
Okay, you go that way.
Be careful.
[PULLING VELCRO.]
[WHISTLING.]
[WHISTLING AUDIBLE IN DISTANCE.]
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
- [RINGING.]
- Hello? SARAH: What the hell is going on? Nothing.
Axel, don't lie to me.
I'm at the police station right now with Sun, and they said that you ran away? Yeah.
It's It's a little complicated.
Okay, so where are you? Where the hell are you?! Look, I'll call you later.
[DISCONNECTS.]
- Hey - Whaa! Always had a lot of respect for you, Ingmar.
Never give up.
Never quit.
You always wanted to make the stunts better.
But this isn't a stunt.
It's for real.
And you're the main character.
Good-bye, old friend.
[LOUD FART.]
Did you just No.
- Yes, you did.
- No.
- Say it.
- No.
TEX: Say it! - No! - Say it! - No! - [GUNSHOT.]
Seriously? You came in here like a fuckin' movie star - and you couldn't even - [GUNSHOT.]
How ya doin', pal? How am I doin'? Well, I'm glad it was one of you guys and not some cop or FBI agent or fast food worker.
Why would it be a fast food worker? No fuckin' clue.
You know, you were right.
What you said about saving my life.
- I was? - Yep.
Damn.
I guess I wasn't pure evil after all.
Nope.
But pretty damn close.
I can live with that.
Yeah.
[SLOW CLAPPING.]
Why are you slow-clapping? You think that was slow? I show you this.
INGMAR: So there you have it.
My story.
How I got my daughter back.
How I ended up with a new partner who, believe it or not, saved my life.
Argh.
I'm pretty sure at some point in the near future I will regret what I'm about to say, but well, fuck it.
What? You are the best dad ever.
Just doin' my job, pumpkin.
I most impressed by this boy-man who shoot to save him.
Yeah, thank you for saving my life, partner.
INGMAR: And how I finally was able to put the ghost of Tex to rest.
- No touch.
- No.
[THUNDER CRACKLES.]
INGMAR: Or did I?