The A-Team (1983) s01e10 Episode Script
West Coast Turnaround
[Man.]
Ten years ago, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn"t commit.
These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them maybe you can hire the A-Team.
[Braying.]
[Horse Neighs.]
I don't like it, Dad.
Neither do I, honey.
But we gotta get this crop to market or we're gonna lose everything.
I figure we got two or three more loads, then we can clean out the warehouse.
And if we move fast, we won't lose too much to spoilage.
I don't believe this is happening.
I don't believe Chuck Easterland can just put us out of business.
Sweetheart, it hasn't happened yet.
Dad he's threatened every truck driver who's been willing to haul our produce.
What's to stop him from killing you? Honey, they whole Vietcong Army couldn't kill me.
I'm not about to let Chuck Easterland do it.
Now give me a kiss.
Come on.
[Engine Starts.]
Stay inside like I told you, Ellen.
Don't go anywhere near Green Valley.
I'll call you when I get to L.
A.
He's headin' out! Which way out of the valley, Whit? [Whit On Radio.]
He"s takin" l-16 south.
Okay.
Well, you stay with him.
- [Horse Neighs.]
- Now, some of you boys haven't worked for me very long.
Do this one right, and there'll be a big bonus.
Comin' towards ya, Milt.
We're all set.
[Horn Honking.]
[Siren Wailing.]
Just what is your interest in all this, uh, Miss Allen? My interest is as a reporter.
The L.
A.
police already took his statement and said that I could stay.
I'm writing a story on Mr Penhall and what's happening to him.
You don't say.
Sheriff Murphy is Chuck Easterland"s brother-in-law.
He"s not going to give us any help.
Sure sorry you had to make the drive all the way from Green Valley just to keep up appearances, Dale.
That's about all that kind of junk I'm gonna listen to, Ellen.
You're accusin' me of collusion in this here crime, and I ain't gonna stand for no more of it! - Lunch-time.
- Can't that wait? - Huh? - I said, can't that wait? - ## [Headphones.]
- Nope.
No steak.
Not today.
I didn't say "steak.
" I said "wait"! l"m tryin" to do a police report here! No dribble straws left.
Gotta be careful with the juice.
I got the physical description as best as you can remember 'em.
I'll get to workin' on it.
Goodbye, Sheriff.
- [Door Closes.]
- Thank you for writing this story, Amy.
I don't know if it's going to do any good but at least it will make Easterland squirm.
I guess your friends decided not to help us.
I don't know why.
I really don't.
I thought one of them would come.
Carrots look real runny today.
You know, Easterland thinks that if he can keep my produce from market I'm gonna have to sell the farm to the bank and then all he has to do is step right in and buy it up, like he did all those others.
He owns half the valley by now.
It's an impossible situation, Ellen.
l I feel like we're licked.
My friends specialize in impossible situations.
I don't have any money.
It's all tied up with the bank.
But if your friends can move my produce, I'll see to it that they get 30% of the profit.
I don't really think that's going to be necessary.
- [Dishes Clanging.]
- Ain't allowed for people to be in here when I feed this man.
Bad for his digestion.
Hospital rule.
- So if you'll just step outside - I don't really think that we're Both of you, please.
Won't take a moment.
Thank you.
## [Radio Stops.]
- What was your unit in 'Nam? - What? Well, underneath this putty nose and make-up is a remarkably handsome veteran who was stationed for a while at Plei Ku.
Lieutenant Colonel, Fifth Special Forces Group.
I know that unit.
Had a commanding officer some lunatic by the name of Hannibal something.
- At your service.
- You're Amy's friend? [Laughs.]
You guys are a bunch of criminals.
I read all about you when I was pullin' out of'Nam.
- The world is full of ironic complications, isn't it? - You're gonna help me? Let's say maybe I'd be interested in getting your watermelons to market.
- Do you have any trucks? - No.
I hired a trucking company a Lone Horse Trucking.
Its owner, Bill Mather, accepted a $ 1,000 advance to move my crop, and he never showed up.
Easterland paid him off.
All the other guys that I hired either got run off the road or got shot at.
- And nobody's even gonna drive in that valley now.
- I will.
Now, 30% of the crop How much is that worth? Well, that all depends on what the market value is and how ripe the melons are.
- Well, how ripe are they? - They"re too ripe.
They gotta be there by Friday.
That's two days.
- l"ll be in touch.
- Where are you gonna get your truck? You bought a ride from Lone Horse Trucking so we'll just count on Bill Mather to supply any trucks we need.
Easterland bought him off.
He double-crossed me.
There's no way he's gonna help you.
Sure, he will.
He just hasn't been asked the right way.
- Oh, you never told me your unit.
- 101 st Airborne.
You guys took it real bad up in Hue.
At least there I knew it was coming.
This thing came right out of nowhere.
Colonel, I thank you for helping me.
I haven't done anything yet.
## [Headphones.]
I don't know where he is.
He said he'd come.
He did.
Come on, kid.
We're in the watermelon business.
Hannibal, you did it to me again.
Come on, boy.
Come on, Billy.
Come on, boy.
Yeah, boy.
Yeah, yeah, boy.
Hey, uh-uh-uh! He won't even stay under my bed any more, Face.
I put his bowl under there and everything.
I think the psychiatric ward is makin' Billy nervous.
He won"t eat regularly.
He barks.
[Howling.]
In the middle of the night.
Have you changed his flea collar? When a dog gets fleas, it twists 'em, Murdock, makes 'em crazy.
Look, Face, this man don"t have a dog.
So why are we sittin' around here talkin' about a dog that don't exist? B.
A.
, it isn't that Billy doesn't exist.
In a practical sense, Billy does exist.
He represents a, uh, love fixation that bridges a relationship gap Murdock had when he was a child.
Absolutely, man.
Go on, Billy.
Go on.
This is my van, and I don't wanna hear no more talk about Billy in my van.
You got it? All right.
[Sighs.]
We're on a case.
We are hauling produce for 30% of the market price.
- B.
A.
, you still got a line on that "80 Buick sedan? - Yeah.
We'll have to dress that up.
Face, we need some truck scales.
- What about me? - You take Ellen on up to Penhall Farm and wait for us.
- Where is Billy? I don't want to step on his tail.
- Shh.
He's right there.
Ain't no dog.
All right.
Who wants to be a cop? Don't look at me.
Oh, me.
Me, me, me.
Oh, please, me.
Okay, Face.
It's you.
Come on, Billy.
Come on, boy.
Come on.
Yeah, boy.
What kind of produce we haulin', Hannibal? - Watermelons.
- [Sighs.]
Murdock, why are you doing that? [Italian Accent.]
I gotta paint it, I'm-a gonna sign it.
You got the "out of service" signs, B.
A.
? Yeah.
He's throwin' our sweet rolls on the floor, Hannibal.
Well, he's just, uh, feeding his dog Billy.
Relax.
Murdock throwin' our food on the ground.
Ain't no Billy! Man, how long we gonna put up with this mess? The next stop's the Gear Jammer's Café at the bottom of the Grapevine.
Let's go.
Come on, Billy.
Come on.
[Murdock.]
Why we gotta be out of service? [Face.]
Well, this is a pretty good mock-up of a squad car, but it's not perfect.
So we're transportation people from Universal Studios making a movie called It Came From Planet X.
That way, if we get pulled over by a real Highway Patrol car, we"re not gonna get busted.
Good luck with that one, sucker.
You're up, B.
A.
[Engine Starts.]
Okay, let's do it.
[Siren Blares.]
Hey, Lone Horse, you look a little heavy.
When you find a good spot, pull over.
We're gonna have to weigh ya.
[Siren Blares.]
- B.
A.
, you reset those scales? - Don't worry, man.
This guy gonna weigh heavy, no matter what he's carryin'.
You just better hope no real cops come along and see us doin' this.
Come on.
I'm okay.
Haven't got more than 80,000 pounds per axle.
Is this rig over 60 feet? What are ya haulin'? Paper rolls for roofing.
Okay, let's measure the rig and get it up on the scale! - Who's that? - Mechanics from Barstow.
They run the scales for us and tow any rigs that are illegal.
- You guys got nothin' better to do? - Not this afternoon.
Now, drive it up on the scale.
And go easy.
You hit your brakes and bust my scale, l"m gonna rain on you hard.
Yeah, yeah.
I've heard all that before.
You slimy smokies.
[Engine Starts.]
Well, well, well.
Will wonders never cease? This guy's overloaded.
wrong with your scale, bud.
You're over gross 16,000 pounds.
You're gonna have to unload this truck.
Aw, come on, you guys! Are you kidding? Get the load out of the box, pal, or get another truck out here and split the load.
Either one.
I don't care.
But you're not movin' till you're legal.
Yeah.
Let me speak to Bill Mather.
Hey, what's goin' on here, huh? This truck's not overloaded.
- I want your names and your badge numbers.
- What's your name? I'm Bill Mather.
I own these rigs.
What"s goin"on? This driver isn"t over-grossed.
- I know.
- Huh? - We're here to help you with a problem of conscience.
- What are you talkin' about? Well, we don't want you to lose any sleep over taking Joe Penhall's money and then double-crossing him.
[Face.]
Yeah.
That"s the kind of thing that could give a man sleepless nights.
Oh, not now, maybe.
Not this very moment.
But, uh, some Christmas Eve, you'll be sitting home alone and you'll start wonderin' how you could've sold out a nice guy like Joe Penhall.
Yeah.
We've all seen it.
It's tragic.
You're lucky we came along in time to save you from it.
- Who are you guys? - We're the Ghosts of Christmas Future.
We're also hijackers.
So just give us the keys and take a walk.
We'll call you in a couple days and tell you where to pick up your rigs.
Do you know what Easterland's gonna do to me? To you guys? You're in deep trouble if you try to go through that valley.
Now, that's the trouble with taking a moral stand.
Somebody's always angry.
But it makes you feel good, doesn't it? Oh, one other thing.
We're kind of crazy.
So, uh, you report this to either Easterland or the cops, we're gonna come back and score some points on ya.
- Yeah.
I'm real scared.
- Huh? What'd he say? [Clears Throat.]
Okay.
Okay.
[lmpersonating John Wayne.]
All right.
Head 'em up and move 'em out.
[Regular Voice.]
Always wanted to say that line.
Thanks.
Well, we'll dump the uniforms and the squad car.
And that concludes phase one of Operation Watermelon.
Penhall Farms is just up 89 here, about another 12 miles.
You guys stay in line.
Knockin' at your back door, brother.
[Mimicking Track Announcer.]
And they're in the stretch.
Aladar is along the rail and leads by a length.
Two For The Road is holding on, and Lady Luck is dropping off as they come to the clubhouse turn Why do you always do that when my horse is in the lead? I could've won the daily double.
Hannibal, this fool is startin' up again.
I told you we should"ve left him back there in the squad car trunk with his stupid invisible dog.
Talk softly.
Billy has finally gone to sleep.
Looks like we"re gonna have to run a roadblock.
- B.
A.
, stay in tight.
- I didn't know this was a toll road.
It's not.
[Horn Honking.]
Nice.
Well, somebody's gonna be mad at somebody.
[Horse Neighs.]
Ellen, my friends are very good at what they do.
If Hannibal says he can take care of Easterland you can pretty much count on that happening.
Well, I hope you're right.
Because if the crop doesn't get to market, we're through.
[Truck Horn Honking.]
Let's go.
Miss Penhall? Hannibal Smith.
These are Bill Mather's trucks.
- You even got two of'em.
- He was running a sale.
Steal one, get one free.
We don't really need two.
We've had some spoilage.
I think one would handle it.
Okay, okay, okay! [Sighs.]
Go on! Run along! Make sure you stay outta the house.
- Hope he doesn't mess on the front porch there.
- [Sighs.]
Let's get goin'.
We got a lot of work to do.
- Who are you? - I'm B.
A.
Baracus, and I'm here to pick up your crops.
Oh, fine.
Fine.
The barn's right up there.
- Uh, do you have a phone I can use? - There's one in the kitchen.
Face, we've got a barn full of watermelons we gotta load.
Hannibal, I have to monitor the market, try and get a report on watermelon sales.
What's the matter? You don't wanna get your hands dirty? Uh, you said the phone was in the kitchen, right? Thanks.
I'll be right back.
That"s Chuck Easterland.
How" d he find out about you guys so soon? It could have something to do with Hannibal blowing a roadblock a ways back.
I wanted to draw him out.
I always like to see the size of the slug I'm after before I step on him.
Murdock, B.
A.
, take the right.
Face, stay with me.
- Uh, Hannibal, if we're gonna fight, I prefer to be teamed with B.
A.
- Me too.
Are you guys sayin' you don't wanna team up with me? - Yes.
- Yes.
Why? I'll tell you why.
Because when you're on the jazz, man you are dangerous! I want you and your men out of here.
This is private property.
- You're all trespassing.
- [Chuckles.]
Why don't you call the sheriff and sic the law on us? And how would you like some good advice? I love advice.
Especially good advice.
Uh, excuse me, but would you mind terribly taking your foot down off the bumper there? - Uh, no offence, but it's so rude.
- I'm a rude guy.
Oh.
Well, in that case, go right ahead.
- Here's your advice - Excuse me.
My dog moved.
Billy, get over here! Get over here! Now, if you're not gonna be good, you're stayin' on your leash.
- He doesn't bite.
- [Chuckles.]
You guys are a bunch of clowns.
Very funny.
- I'm bustin' a gut here.
- He's a mental patient.
He"s not dangerous, usually, but he does hallucinate.
Now, you were giving me some advice.
Yeah.
Here's your advice: Get back in those trucks and roll 'em out of here.
- That's it? - That's it.
I don't like that advice.
Have you got any other advice? I got a promise for ya.
If you're not out of here in a half an hour I'm gonna wreck your trucks, and I'm gonna wreck all your guys.
Billy, stay put! Don't move.
Now, what if I was very nice and said "Please, just let us do ourjob and don"t hurt us"? Would that make any difference? That wouldn't make any difference at all.
Then it really doesn't matter whether I stay on your good side or not.
Not in the least.
[Chuckles.]
In that case Watch out for my car! [Grunts, Whimpers.]
[Grunting.]
- Uh, B.
A.
! - [Groans.]
Thanks.
Is he all right? Likes to see how big the slug is before he steps on him is what he likes to do.
- [Mumbling.]
- What'd he say? He said, "I love it when a plan comes together.
" What do you think, B.
A.
? Oh, man, this rig is about 16,000 overweight.
And the rear brakes is whistlin' "Dixie.
" And these air hoses They got dry rot.
Wonderful.
All they have to do is get to Farmers Market in L.
A.
Hi.
Just checking with the produce exchange in L.
A.
I'm on hold.
Amy says you're all wanted by the military.
And you hire out to help people, right? Uh, yeah.
That's pretty much it, Ellen.
It's a long, very sad story a story of injustice.
I don't want to bore you with our problems.
Uh, yeah.
I wanted to check what the, uh [Chuckles.]
Yeah, I'll hold.
Never owned 30% of a watermelon crop before.
You know, if you can get Dad's crop to market you'll save the farm for us.
I don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you.
You don't? Uh, hi.
This is Penhall Farms.
We're checking the price of Yeah, I'll hold.
They sound very busy.
Price is probably going right through the roof.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
What's the price per bushel of watermelon? Beautiful, rich, succulent watermelon.
- Green or white what? - Rind.
They're green.
Green.
When were they harvested? - Last week.
But don't tell them that.
- Yesterday.
We got 100,000 pounds.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
He says that if they're not too ripe, he'll give us 40 bucks a bushel.
That"s bad.
It"s off 50 cents a bushel.
- But some of them are already going bad.
- Bad? Didn't you take care of them? They've been sitting in the barn for a week and a half.
Well, then we gotta get 'em to market.
I want to get at least 40 bucks a crate.
I think I have a real feel for this business.
Don't you? No.
But I like you guys anyway.
- What's it like out there? - Lousy.
Easterland and his men have their pickups barricaded across l-16 north, with about 15 guys with weapons.
It's the same action in the south.
We're penned in, Hannibal.
Watermelons just dropped off another 50 cents a bushel.
Business is a little tougher than I thought.
Pretty soon we"ll have to pay someone to take "em off our hands.
Yeah, man.
But first we gotta get 'em to the market.
- [Hannibal.]
Now, we"ve all seen this before.
- We have? Of course.
It's your classic western.
We're the cowboys in the box canyon.
Easterland and his Indians have got us trapped.
Oh, maybe we could trade our way out of this with beaver pelts.
B.
A.
, do you think you could put a cowcatcher on the front of this truck? - Oh, Hannibal - Good.
Now, we need a chase car.
Something fast, light.
Something we can plate for protection.
Hannibal, where are we gonna find that? [Clears Throat.]
Of course you're kidding.
Not my new car.
Come on.
It's not even paid for yet.
Kid, the way I'm doin' with watermelon futures, you're gonna want to get rid of that thing.
Get yourself a Mercedes or a Cadillac, anyway.
You guys think you're gonna hang armour plating all over my new car? You're nuts.
You got us into this, Amy.
We gotta use what's available.
Don't worry, lady.
I'll be real careful.
Put three holes in the front cut here and there, won't even change a thing.
I'll have it back to you just like new.
But it's my new car.
We're cut off.
They've got a tractor across the road.
Forty guys with guns, and you're worrying about your little car? Amy, Amy, Amy! I'm ashamed of you.
Boy, you could con anybody out of anything, couldn't you? Okay.
Go ahead.
Right.
I wanna be out of here in two hours.
Let's get going.
Put those trucks together.
I don't want any gaps, just in case they try to squeeze through.
Mr Easterland, Sheriff Murphy called.
He's real nervous 'cause the Highway Department's all over him about this detour request.
[Laughs.]
That's too bad.
That's what he's gettin' paid for to keep the heat off.
Those guys aren't gettin' through this valley.
How's the market, Face? - Frisco bid in at 43 cents more a bushel than L.
A.
- Great.
- Where's my car? - Isn't it beautiful? Lady, a couple of bolts, fresh paint, it'll be good as new.
How do I get into these things? Let's mount up! [Engine Starts.]
Here goes nothing.
- Do you think they'll get through? - Probably not.
- Then Easterland will kill them.
- And that probably won't happen either.
Here they come.
What"s that on the front of the truck? Milt, they're comin' south, and they mean business.
You boys get down here and give us a hand.
They're makin' their way south.
Let's go.
Okay, Face, I'm gonna thread this sucker through the eye of the needle.
Oh, no.
They sure don't look like Indians to me, Face.
I think we misjudged 'em.
Come on! Get in the truck! Let's get after them! Whitaker, they got through us.
Go with the backup plan.
- [Coughing.]
Murdock, can you see? - I can't even see your teeth! Look out! Howdy, neighbour.
How's everything? Get out! Now! [Chuckles.]
Hi.
I told you to get outta here.
Maybe next time you'll listen.
I doubt it.
I'm stubborn.
It's a serious character flaw.
How about Billy? Don't forget my dog, Billy! Yes.
At least let him take his pet dog.
I mean, fair is fair.
Thanks, Colonel.
Hey, Billy! Here! You think that"s funny? We"ll see how hard you laugh when we burn your crop.
All right, boys.
Open up the tail and torch that load.
[Grunts.]
Like the man said, the watermelon market's real soft.
All right, wise guys.
Where's the rest of those watermelons? Beats the heck outta me.
You know, I thought they were with Murdock's dog, Billy.
They're headin' south.
I pulled that roadblock.
They got about a 15-minute head start on us.
You take these guys over to my place and get the chopper.
The rest of you guys, come with me.
And call Bill Mather.
Tell him to pick up his rig.
That truck's not gettin' through this valley.
See ya, guys.
[Horse Neighs.]
Outta here.
Move it.
Go tell Lenny to fire up the chopper.
I'll be there in a minute.
Don't even think it, mister.
Just takin' out a cigar.
- No, you ain't.
- [Face.]
Oh, no.
Murdock, please don't look at the horses.
Horses.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! [Whinnying.]
No! I used to have horses on my walls horses in my bedspread, horses in my closets! Horses Horses everywhere! [Neighs, Whinnies.]
- What are you, nuts? - Sure is.
Certified by the state and everything.
- Shut him up, man.
- [Neighs.]
Whoa! Whoa, big fella.
Whoa! Easy! Easy, big fella! Whoa! Whoa.
Here.
Here.
Here.
[Laughs.]
Easy.
Easy, big fella.
- [Neighing Continues.]
- Whoa! Whoa! Easy.
Easy, big fella! Whoa! Whoa! - [Horses Neighing.]
- Jake, get the extinguishers! Mark, get those horses outta there! Hey, fella! The whole barn went! Some sort of gas main! They got guys crawlin' around lookin' for their heads! Terrible! You better get down there! - You gotta be kiddin'! - We've gotta have some firepower.
Get on the horn.
Let Mr Easterland know.
How do you think the others are doing? Probably not too good.
There was Easterland men back there.
This whole plan sounded ridiculous from the start.
I should've known it wouldn't work out right.
Hannibal's plans never work right.
They just work.
- They're alongside, B.
A.
- I know.
Oh, boy! Is somebody in for a surprise! One of us has got to do it.
Take her down, Murdock! This is Lady Crazy Pilot to Lady Crazy Bombardier.
We're over the target, and I'm turnin' the craft over to you.
Commence bomb run.
Aw, Face! You lack experience.
Watch.
Let's get outta here.
Nice drop, Kemosabe.
He wanted watermelons.
I just gave him a couple.
What happened to my car, Hannibal? I told you.
B.
A.
and Murdock are bringing it.
We had to leave it at Easterland's.
We took the chopper.
There's something you're not telling me.
- Somehow you hurt my car.
- Hurt your car? You're really hurting me by saying that, guys.
You You think I got a bad deal.
I'm the one who got the bad deal! It's not that I don't appreciate what you done and all.
If you hadn't driven our crop to market, we would've lost everything.
But $33.
60 a bushel is a lot less than we said at the Frisco market.
Well, maybe I'd have got that if you'd have taken better care of'em.
I mean, who wants to eat watermelon that are too ripe? - Not me.
I can tell you that.
- Face.
Uh, yeah, okay.
Okay.
I said we'd reduce our cut to 20%.
That should make the difference.
I was just trying to boost profits for everybody.
Hannibal, my car! I want my car! That's all I care about! - I want my car! - It's on its way.
I feel like I'm waiting for a baby.
Well, here comes the little darling now.
With the excitement and the escape I don't remember it looking like that.
A couple of bolts and some new paint? Look, lady, I was with you, remember? You talked me into this, Face.
Whatever it takes to put my cute, little, new Le Car back into shape is comin' outta your end.
- Wait.
My end? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, uh, my end's already down 10 percent.
Don"t feel bad, Amy.
Billy and I will chip in too.
Won't you, boy? Good doggie! Good doggie!
Ten years ago, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn"t commit.
These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.
Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them maybe you can hire the A-Team.
[Braying.]
[Horse Neighs.]
I don't like it, Dad.
Neither do I, honey.
But we gotta get this crop to market or we're gonna lose everything.
I figure we got two or three more loads, then we can clean out the warehouse.
And if we move fast, we won't lose too much to spoilage.
I don't believe this is happening.
I don't believe Chuck Easterland can just put us out of business.
Sweetheart, it hasn't happened yet.
Dad he's threatened every truck driver who's been willing to haul our produce.
What's to stop him from killing you? Honey, they whole Vietcong Army couldn't kill me.
I'm not about to let Chuck Easterland do it.
Now give me a kiss.
Come on.
[Engine Starts.]
Stay inside like I told you, Ellen.
Don't go anywhere near Green Valley.
I'll call you when I get to L.
A.
He's headin' out! Which way out of the valley, Whit? [Whit On Radio.]
He"s takin" l-16 south.
Okay.
Well, you stay with him.
- [Horse Neighs.]
- Now, some of you boys haven't worked for me very long.
Do this one right, and there'll be a big bonus.
Comin' towards ya, Milt.
We're all set.
[Horn Honking.]
[Siren Wailing.]
Just what is your interest in all this, uh, Miss Allen? My interest is as a reporter.
The L.
A.
police already took his statement and said that I could stay.
I'm writing a story on Mr Penhall and what's happening to him.
You don't say.
Sheriff Murphy is Chuck Easterland"s brother-in-law.
He"s not going to give us any help.
Sure sorry you had to make the drive all the way from Green Valley just to keep up appearances, Dale.
That's about all that kind of junk I'm gonna listen to, Ellen.
You're accusin' me of collusion in this here crime, and I ain't gonna stand for no more of it! - Lunch-time.
- Can't that wait? - Huh? - I said, can't that wait? - ## [Headphones.]
- Nope.
No steak.
Not today.
I didn't say "steak.
" I said "wait"! l"m tryin" to do a police report here! No dribble straws left.
Gotta be careful with the juice.
I got the physical description as best as you can remember 'em.
I'll get to workin' on it.
Goodbye, Sheriff.
- [Door Closes.]
- Thank you for writing this story, Amy.
I don't know if it's going to do any good but at least it will make Easterland squirm.
I guess your friends decided not to help us.
I don't know why.
I really don't.
I thought one of them would come.
Carrots look real runny today.
You know, Easterland thinks that if he can keep my produce from market I'm gonna have to sell the farm to the bank and then all he has to do is step right in and buy it up, like he did all those others.
He owns half the valley by now.
It's an impossible situation, Ellen.
l I feel like we're licked.
My friends specialize in impossible situations.
I don't have any money.
It's all tied up with the bank.
But if your friends can move my produce, I'll see to it that they get 30% of the profit.
I don't really think that's going to be necessary.
- [Dishes Clanging.]
- Ain't allowed for people to be in here when I feed this man.
Bad for his digestion.
Hospital rule.
- So if you'll just step outside - I don't really think that we're Both of you, please.
Won't take a moment.
Thank you.
## [Radio Stops.]
- What was your unit in 'Nam? - What? Well, underneath this putty nose and make-up is a remarkably handsome veteran who was stationed for a while at Plei Ku.
Lieutenant Colonel, Fifth Special Forces Group.
I know that unit.
Had a commanding officer some lunatic by the name of Hannibal something.
- At your service.
- You're Amy's friend? [Laughs.]
You guys are a bunch of criminals.
I read all about you when I was pullin' out of'Nam.
- The world is full of ironic complications, isn't it? - You're gonna help me? Let's say maybe I'd be interested in getting your watermelons to market.
- Do you have any trucks? - No.
I hired a trucking company a Lone Horse Trucking.
Its owner, Bill Mather, accepted a $ 1,000 advance to move my crop, and he never showed up.
Easterland paid him off.
All the other guys that I hired either got run off the road or got shot at.
- And nobody's even gonna drive in that valley now.
- I will.
Now, 30% of the crop How much is that worth? Well, that all depends on what the market value is and how ripe the melons are.
- Well, how ripe are they? - They"re too ripe.
They gotta be there by Friday.
That's two days.
- l"ll be in touch.
- Where are you gonna get your truck? You bought a ride from Lone Horse Trucking so we'll just count on Bill Mather to supply any trucks we need.
Easterland bought him off.
He double-crossed me.
There's no way he's gonna help you.
Sure, he will.
He just hasn't been asked the right way.
- Oh, you never told me your unit.
- 101 st Airborne.
You guys took it real bad up in Hue.
At least there I knew it was coming.
This thing came right out of nowhere.
Colonel, I thank you for helping me.
I haven't done anything yet.
## [Headphones.]
I don't know where he is.
He said he'd come.
He did.
Come on, kid.
We're in the watermelon business.
Hannibal, you did it to me again.
Come on, boy.
Come on, Billy.
Come on, boy.
Yeah, boy.
Yeah, yeah, boy.
Hey, uh-uh-uh! He won't even stay under my bed any more, Face.
I put his bowl under there and everything.
I think the psychiatric ward is makin' Billy nervous.
He won"t eat regularly.
He barks.
[Howling.]
In the middle of the night.
Have you changed his flea collar? When a dog gets fleas, it twists 'em, Murdock, makes 'em crazy.
Look, Face, this man don"t have a dog.
So why are we sittin' around here talkin' about a dog that don't exist? B.
A.
, it isn't that Billy doesn't exist.
In a practical sense, Billy does exist.
He represents a, uh, love fixation that bridges a relationship gap Murdock had when he was a child.
Absolutely, man.
Go on, Billy.
Go on.
This is my van, and I don't wanna hear no more talk about Billy in my van.
You got it? All right.
[Sighs.]
We're on a case.
We are hauling produce for 30% of the market price.
- B.
A.
, you still got a line on that "80 Buick sedan? - Yeah.
We'll have to dress that up.
Face, we need some truck scales.
- What about me? - You take Ellen on up to Penhall Farm and wait for us.
- Where is Billy? I don't want to step on his tail.
- Shh.
He's right there.
Ain't no dog.
All right.
Who wants to be a cop? Don't look at me.
Oh, me.
Me, me, me.
Oh, please, me.
Okay, Face.
It's you.
Come on, Billy.
Come on, boy.
Come on.
Yeah, boy.
What kind of produce we haulin', Hannibal? - Watermelons.
- [Sighs.]
Murdock, why are you doing that? [Italian Accent.]
I gotta paint it, I'm-a gonna sign it.
You got the "out of service" signs, B.
A.
? Yeah.
He's throwin' our sweet rolls on the floor, Hannibal.
Well, he's just, uh, feeding his dog Billy.
Relax.
Murdock throwin' our food on the ground.
Ain't no Billy! Man, how long we gonna put up with this mess? The next stop's the Gear Jammer's Café at the bottom of the Grapevine.
Let's go.
Come on, Billy.
Come on.
[Murdock.]
Why we gotta be out of service? [Face.]
Well, this is a pretty good mock-up of a squad car, but it's not perfect.
So we're transportation people from Universal Studios making a movie called It Came From Planet X.
That way, if we get pulled over by a real Highway Patrol car, we"re not gonna get busted.
Good luck with that one, sucker.
You're up, B.
A.
[Engine Starts.]
Okay, let's do it.
[Siren Blares.]
Hey, Lone Horse, you look a little heavy.
When you find a good spot, pull over.
We're gonna have to weigh ya.
[Siren Blares.]
- B.
A.
, you reset those scales? - Don't worry, man.
This guy gonna weigh heavy, no matter what he's carryin'.
You just better hope no real cops come along and see us doin' this.
Come on.
I'm okay.
Haven't got more than 80,000 pounds per axle.
Is this rig over 60 feet? What are ya haulin'? Paper rolls for roofing.
Okay, let's measure the rig and get it up on the scale! - Who's that? - Mechanics from Barstow.
They run the scales for us and tow any rigs that are illegal.
- You guys got nothin' better to do? - Not this afternoon.
Now, drive it up on the scale.
And go easy.
You hit your brakes and bust my scale, l"m gonna rain on you hard.
Yeah, yeah.
I've heard all that before.
You slimy smokies.
[Engine Starts.]
Well, well, well.
Will wonders never cease? This guy's overloaded.
wrong with your scale, bud.
You're over gross 16,000 pounds.
You're gonna have to unload this truck.
Aw, come on, you guys! Are you kidding? Get the load out of the box, pal, or get another truck out here and split the load.
Either one.
I don't care.
But you're not movin' till you're legal.
Yeah.
Let me speak to Bill Mather.
Hey, what's goin' on here, huh? This truck's not overloaded.
- I want your names and your badge numbers.
- What's your name? I'm Bill Mather.
I own these rigs.
What"s goin"on? This driver isn"t over-grossed.
- I know.
- Huh? - We're here to help you with a problem of conscience.
- What are you talkin' about? Well, we don't want you to lose any sleep over taking Joe Penhall's money and then double-crossing him.
[Face.]
Yeah.
That"s the kind of thing that could give a man sleepless nights.
Oh, not now, maybe.
Not this very moment.
But, uh, some Christmas Eve, you'll be sitting home alone and you'll start wonderin' how you could've sold out a nice guy like Joe Penhall.
Yeah.
We've all seen it.
It's tragic.
You're lucky we came along in time to save you from it.
- Who are you guys? - We're the Ghosts of Christmas Future.
We're also hijackers.
So just give us the keys and take a walk.
We'll call you in a couple days and tell you where to pick up your rigs.
Do you know what Easterland's gonna do to me? To you guys? You're in deep trouble if you try to go through that valley.
Now, that's the trouble with taking a moral stand.
Somebody's always angry.
But it makes you feel good, doesn't it? Oh, one other thing.
We're kind of crazy.
So, uh, you report this to either Easterland or the cops, we're gonna come back and score some points on ya.
- Yeah.
I'm real scared.
- Huh? What'd he say? [Clears Throat.]
Okay.
Okay.
[lmpersonating John Wayne.]
All right.
Head 'em up and move 'em out.
[Regular Voice.]
Always wanted to say that line.
Thanks.
Well, we'll dump the uniforms and the squad car.
And that concludes phase one of Operation Watermelon.
Penhall Farms is just up 89 here, about another 12 miles.
You guys stay in line.
Knockin' at your back door, brother.
[Mimicking Track Announcer.]
And they're in the stretch.
Aladar is along the rail and leads by a length.
Two For The Road is holding on, and Lady Luck is dropping off as they come to the clubhouse turn Why do you always do that when my horse is in the lead? I could've won the daily double.
Hannibal, this fool is startin' up again.
I told you we should"ve left him back there in the squad car trunk with his stupid invisible dog.
Talk softly.
Billy has finally gone to sleep.
Looks like we"re gonna have to run a roadblock.
- B.
A.
, stay in tight.
- I didn't know this was a toll road.
It's not.
[Horn Honking.]
Nice.
Well, somebody's gonna be mad at somebody.
[Horse Neighs.]
Ellen, my friends are very good at what they do.
If Hannibal says he can take care of Easterland you can pretty much count on that happening.
Well, I hope you're right.
Because if the crop doesn't get to market, we're through.
[Truck Horn Honking.]
Let's go.
Miss Penhall? Hannibal Smith.
These are Bill Mather's trucks.
- You even got two of'em.
- He was running a sale.
Steal one, get one free.
We don't really need two.
We've had some spoilage.
I think one would handle it.
Okay, okay, okay! [Sighs.]
Go on! Run along! Make sure you stay outta the house.
- Hope he doesn't mess on the front porch there.
- [Sighs.]
Let's get goin'.
We got a lot of work to do.
- Who are you? - I'm B.
A.
Baracus, and I'm here to pick up your crops.
Oh, fine.
Fine.
The barn's right up there.
- Uh, do you have a phone I can use? - There's one in the kitchen.
Face, we've got a barn full of watermelons we gotta load.
Hannibal, I have to monitor the market, try and get a report on watermelon sales.
What's the matter? You don't wanna get your hands dirty? Uh, you said the phone was in the kitchen, right? Thanks.
I'll be right back.
That"s Chuck Easterland.
How" d he find out about you guys so soon? It could have something to do with Hannibal blowing a roadblock a ways back.
I wanted to draw him out.
I always like to see the size of the slug I'm after before I step on him.
Murdock, B.
A.
, take the right.
Face, stay with me.
- Uh, Hannibal, if we're gonna fight, I prefer to be teamed with B.
A.
- Me too.
Are you guys sayin' you don't wanna team up with me? - Yes.
- Yes.
Why? I'll tell you why.
Because when you're on the jazz, man you are dangerous! I want you and your men out of here.
This is private property.
- You're all trespassing.
- [Chuckles.]
Why don't you call the sheriff and sic the law on us? And how would you like some good advice? I love advice.
Especially good advice.
Uh, excuse me, but would you mind terribly taking your foot down off the bumper there? - Uh, no offence, but it's so rude.
- I'm a rude guy.
Oh.
Well, in that case, go right ahead.
- Here's your advice - Excuse me.
My dog moved.
Billy, get over here! Get over here! Now, if you're not gonna be good, you're stayin' on your leash.
- He doesn't bite.
- [Chuckles.]
You guys are a bunch of clowns.
Very funny.
- I'm bustin' a gut here.
- He's a mental patient.
He"s not dangerous, usually, but he does hallucinate.
Now, you were giving me some advice.
Yeah.
Here's your advice: Get back in those trucks and roll 'em out of here.
- That's it? - That's it.
I don't like that advice.
Have you got any other advice? I got a promise for ya.
If you're not out of here in a half an hour I'm gonna wreck your trucks, and I'm gonna wreck all your guys.
Billy, stay put! Don't move.
Now, what if I was very nice and said "Please, just let us do ourjob and don"t hurt us"? Would that make any difference? That wouldn't make any difference at all.
Then it really doesn't matter whether I stay on your good side or not.
Not in the least.
[Chuckles.]
In that case Watch out for my car! [Grunts, Whimpers.]
[Grunting.]
- Uh, B.
A.
! - [Groans.]
Thanks.
Is he all right? Likes to see how big the slug is before he steps on him is what he likes to do.
- [Mumbling.]
- What'd he say? He said, "I love it when a plan comes together.
" What do you think, B.
A.
? Oh, man, this rig is about 16,000 overweight.
And the rear brakes is whistlin' "Dixie.
" And these air hoses They got dry rot.
Wonderful.
All they have to do is get to Farmers Market in L.
A.
Hi.
Just checking with the produce exchange in L.
A.
I'm on hold.
Amy says you're all wanted by the military.
And you hire out to help people, right? Uh, yeah.
That's pretty much it, Ellen.
It's a long, very sad story a story of injustice.
I don't want to bore you with our problems.
Uh, yeah.
I wanted to check what the, uh [Chuckles.]
Yeah, I'll hold.
Never owned 30% of a watermelon crop before.
You know, if you can get Dad's crop to market you'll save the farm for us.
I don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you.
You don't? Uh, hi.
This is Penhall Farms.
We're checking the price of Yeah, I'll hold.
They sound very busy.
Price is probably going right through the roof.
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
What's the price per bushel of watermelon? Beautiful, rich, succulent watermelon.
- Green or white what? - Rind.
They're green.
Green.
When were they harvested? - Last week.
But don't tell them that.
- Yesterday.
We got 100,000 pounds.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
He says that if they're not too ripe, he'll give us 40 bucks a bushel.
That"s bad.
It"s off 50 cents a bushel.
- But some of them are already going bad.
- Bad? Didn't you take care of them? They've been sitting in the barn for a week and a half.
Well, then we gotta get 'em to market.
I want to get at least 40 bucks a crate.
I think I have a real feel for this business.
Don't you? No.
But I like you guys anyway.
- What's it like out there? - Lousy.
Easterland and his men have their pickups barricaded across l-16 north, with about 15 guys with weapons.
It's the same action in the south.
We're penned in, Hannibal.
Watermelons just dropped off another 50 cents a bushel.
Business is a little tougher than I thought.
Pretty soon we"ll have to pay someone to take "em off our hands.
Yeah, man.
But first we gotta get 'em to the market.
- [Hannibal.]
Now, we"ve all seen this before.
- We have? Of course.
It's your classic western.
We're the cowboys in the box canyon.
Easterland and his Indians have got us trapped.
Oh, maybe we could trade our way out of this with beaver pelts.
B.
A.
, do you think you could put a cowcatcher on the front of this truck? - Oh, Hannibal - Good.
Now, we need a chase car.
Something fast, light.
Something we can plate for protection.
Hannibal, where are we gonna find that? [Clears Throat.]
Of course you're kidding.
Not my new car.
Come on.
It's not even paid for yet.
Kid, the way I'm doin' with watermelon futures, you're gonna want to get rid of that thing.
Get yourself a Mercedes or a Cadillac, anyway.
You guys think you're gonna hang armour plating all over my new car? You're nuts.
You got us into this, Amy.
We gotta use what's available.
Don't worry, lady.
I'll be real careful.
Put three holes in the front cut here and there, won't even change a thing.
I'll have it back to you just like new.
But it's my new car.
We're cut off.
They've got a tractor across the road.
Forty guys with guns, and you're worrying about your little car? Amy, Amy, Amy! I'm ashamed of you.
Boy, you could con anybody out of anything, couldn't you? Okay.
Go ahead.
Right.
I wanna be out of here in two hours.
Let's get going.
Put those trucks together.
I don't want any gaps, just in case they try to squeeze through.
Mr Easterland, Sheriff Murphy called.
He's real nervous 'cause the Highway Department's all over him about this detour request.
[Laughs.]
That's too bad.
That's what he's gettin' paid for to keep the heat off.
Those guys aren't gettin' through this valley.
How's the market, Face? - Frisco bid in at 43 cents more a bushel than L.
A.
- Great.
- Where's my car? - Isn't it beautiful? Lady, a couple of bolts, fresh paint, it'll be good as new.
How do I get into these things? Let's mount up! [Engine Starts.]
Here goes nothing.
- Do you think they'll get through? - Probably not.
- Then Easterland will kill them.
- And that probably won't happen either.
Here they come.
What"s that on the front of the truck? Milt, they're comin' south, and they mean business.
You boys get down here and give us a hand.
They're makin' their way south.
Let's go.
Okay, Face, I'm gonna thread this sucker through the eye of the needle.
Oh, no.
They sure don't look like Indians to me, Face.
I think we misjudged 'em.
Come on! Get in the truck! Let's get after them! Whitaker, they got through us.
Go with the backup plan.
- [Coughing.]
Murdock, can you see? - I can't even see your teeth! Look out! Howdy, neighbour.
How's everything? Get out! Now! [Chuckles.]
Hi.
I told you to get outta here.
Maybe next time you'll listen.
I doubt it.
I'm stubborn.
It's a serious character flaw.
How about Billy? Don't forget my dog, Billy! Yes.
At least let him take his pet dog.
I mean, fair is fair.
Thanks, Colonel.
Hey, Billy! Here! You think that"s funny? We"ll see how hard you laugh when we burn your crop.
All right, boys.
Open up the tail and torch that load.
[Grunts.]
Like the man said, the watermelon market's real soft.
All right, wise guys.
Where's the rest of those watermelons? Beats the heck outta me.
You know, I thought they were with Murdock's dog, Billy.
They're headin' south.
I pulled that roadblock.
They got about a 15-minute head start on us.
You take these guys over to my place and get the chopper.
The rest of you guys, come with me.
And call Bill Mather.
Tell him to pick up his rig.
That truck's not gettin' through this valley.
See ya, guys.
[Horse Neighs.]
Outta here.
Move it.
Go tell Lenny to fire up the chopper.
I'll be there in a minute.
Don't even think it, mister.
Just takin' out a cigar.
- No, you ain't.
- [Face.]
Oh, no.
Murdock, please don't look at the horses.
Horses.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! [Whinnying.]
No! I used to have horses on my walls horses in my bedspread, horses in my closets! Horses Horses everywhere! [Neighs, Whinnies.]
- What are you, nuts? - Sure is.
Certified by the state and everything.
- Shut him up, man.
- [Neighs.]
Whoa! Whoa, big fella.
Whoa! Easy! Easy, big fella! Whoa! Whoa.
Here.
Here.
Here.
[Laughs.]
Easy.
Easy, big fella.
- [Neighing Continues.]
- Whoa! Whoa! Easy.
Easy, big fella! Whoa! Whoa! - [Horses Neighing.]
- Jake, get the extinguishers! Mark, get those horses outta there! Hey, fella! The whole barn went! Some sort of gas main! They got guys crawlin' around lookin' for their heads! Terrible! You better get down there! - You gotta be kiddin'! - We've gotta have some firepower.
Get on the horn.
Let Mr Easterland know.
How do you think the others are doing? Probably not too good.
There was Easterland men back there.
This whole plan sounded ridiculous from the start.
I should've known it wouldn't work out right.
Hannibal's plans never work right.
They just work.
- They're alongside, B.
A.
- I know.
Oh, boy! Is somebody in for a surprise! One of us has got to do it.
Take her down, Murdock! This is Lady Crazy Pilot to Lady Crazy Bombardier.
We're over the target, and I'm turnin' the craft over to you.
Commence bomb run.
Aw, Face! You lack experience.
Watch.
Let's get outta here.
Nice drop, Kemosabe.
He wanted watermelons.
I just gave him a couple.
What happened to my car, Hannibal? I told you.
B.
A.
and Murdock are bringing it.
We had to leave it at Easterland's.
We took the chopper.
There's something you're not telling me.
- Somehow you hurt my car.
- Hurt your car? You're really hurting me by saying that, guys.
You You think I got a bad deal.
I'm the one who got the bad deal! It's not that I don't appreciate what you done and all.
If you hadn't driven our crop to market, we would've lost everything.
But $33.
60 a bushel is a lot less than we said at the Frisco market.
Well, maybe I'd have got that if you'd have taken better care of'em.
I mean, who wants to eat watermelon that are too ripe? - Not me.
I can tell you that.
- Face.
Uh, yeah, okay.
Okay.
I said we'd reduce our cut to 20%.
That should make the difference.
I was just trying to boost profits for everybody.
Hannibal, my car! I want my car! That's all I care about! - I want my car! - It's on its way.
I feel like I'm waiting for a baby.
Well, here comes the little darling now.
With the excitement and the escape I don't remember it looking like that.
A couple of bolts and some new paint? Look, lady, I was with you, remember? You talked me into this, Face.
Whatever it takes to put my cute, little, new Le Car back into shape is comin' outta your end.
- Wait.
My end? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, uh, my end's already down 10 percent.
Don"t feel bad, Amy.
Billy and I will chip in too.
Won't you, boy? Good doggie! Good doggie!