The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones (2002) s01e10 Episode Script

Africa, I've always wanted to come here.
Welcome to Mombasa.
Transfer to Africa
provides all enlisted men
automatic promotion
to the rank of lieutenant.
Congratulations.
Companies C and D
will report to Barracks 12.
Company E to Barracks 9.
The rest of you
go to the train station immediately.
You will continue on to Lake Victoria
and join up with your unit there.
So much for a bath and a hot meal.
Your tickets provide free transportation
on the regularly-scheduled trains.
- Excuse me, we're headed for Victoria.
- You're the last ones, hurry.
Look at them.
Wait! Wait! That's the train to Moshi.
Hey, that's the train to Moshi!
Okay, we should be passing
Mt. Kilimanjaro on our left
any time now.
You mean on our right.
We just passed it.
No. No, that must be
some other mountain.
We're headed for Nairobi,
so it'll definitely be on our left.
Are you sure?
Trust me. If that were Mt. Kilimanjaro,
we'd be headed for Moshi.
"Trust me," he says.
Mr Boy Scout with his map.
How could we wind up
on the wrong train?
Look, what's the difference?
Let's just try and get back, all right?
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
We, we go Victoria.
You miss this train.
Train take go Longido.
- Longido?
- Longido.
Longido take go Nairobi.
Nairobi take go Victoria.
- Longido, Nairobi, Victoria?
- Victoria.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Come on. He said the next train
to Longido. That's us.
At this rate, we could run to Victoria.
Not go Sabella. Go Longido!
At least we're going
in the right direction.
Let's hope.
Okay, as near as I can tell, he's riding
ahead to bring back a repair group.
- How long will that take?
- A week.
Mon Dieu. We can't wait a week.
We have to report to our unit.
I know. I know.
Okay, look. If that's the way to Longido,
then that's north, right?
So according to this map,
there's another rail line
about 10 miles east
that runs parallel to this one.
So all we have to do is walk 10 miles
that way and hop another train.
Well, it's either that,
or we wait here for a week.
Look at that sunset.
It's beautiful. It's magnificent.
It's
In the wrong place.
Indy, if the sun sets in the west
and we are walking east,
then the sun should be over there.
You pinhead! I can't believe it!
If the Germans don't get us,
the Belgians will shoot us both
for desertion.
We might die of hunger or thirst
before that happens.
Do you hear music?
Rossini.
Indy, am I hallucinating?
- Germans?
- I can't tell.
You notice something strange
about these men?
They're really old.
Catch some butterflies, Mr Golo?
They may be German spies.
We're not German spies.
An American. Put 'er there, pard!
- Texas?
- New Jersey.
Ain't nothing to be ashamed of, son.
What's with the funny uniforms?
We are Belgian soldiers.
Who are you? You are a British unit?
25th Royal Fusiliers.
Great. Now that we know
we're on the same side,
we'd like to see
your commanding officer.
The General needs seven men
with very specific skills.
His letter's very clear on that point.
- I can't just show up one man short.
- Understood.
But where in blazes
are we going to find someone
with an intimate working knowledge
of trains who also speaks German?
Captain?
Who the devil are you?
Lieutenant Defense
and this is Lieutenant Baudouin.
Belgian army.
Belgian army?
They just came straggling in
off the veldt.
I'm afraid we got lost
trying to join our unit,
and we're about a day late
getting to Lake Victoria.
Damn! That's 300 miles from here.
When you boys get lost,
you don't mess around.
Excuse me. Sir, have we met?
Not that I'm aware. Captain Selous.
Good to see you again, sir.
Good to see you.
You You don't remember me.
I guess I was about nine years old.
Henry Jones, Junior.
- Son of Professor Jones?
- Yes.
You were lost then too, I recall.
Well, this really wasn't my fault.
We thought we were on the right train
and somehow it was the wrong train,
and then we got on another train, and,
well, that train broke down, but
Easy for you to say.
You don't appear to know
much about trains.
Well, actually I know a lot about trains.
I spent my summers working
shoveling coal on trains,
but that really doesn't teach you much
about the timetables
here in the middle of Africa.
- I see.
- I don't suppose you speak German?
But again, that really doesn't help me
get to Lake Victoria.
We really need transportation north
to the Belgian lines.
Can you help us?
Oh, dear. You are out of luck.
Our supply truck isn't due in for weeks.
So, how about the General?
Now, there's an idea.
We were just about to visit
our dear friend,
General Smuts, on the beach.
Why don't you come along,
I'm sure he could fix something up.
- A trip to the beach?
- Sounds great.
- That's settled. Donald, the staff car.
- Yes, sir. Right away, sir.
We really, really appreciate this.
Oh, yes, we do.
- Think nothing of it.
- Think nothing of it.
- Short cut, sir?
- By all means!
There's the British lines, just ahead.
Halt!
25th Royal Fusiliers,
reporting as ordered.
Password is "coral."
Gentlemen, this is going
to be a rough ride.
Look at that mess on the beach.
Germans seem to have General Smuts
pinned down.
Hang on, we're going to
have to play a little dodge ball.
Let's get the heck out of here!
Well, so much for the car.
Lieutenant Defense.
Have your friend stay here,
you come with me.
Don't worry, Remy,
I'll get everything taken care of.
I'll be back in a few minutes.
Good Lord.
Frank. You've made it.
Jolly good to see you again.
You know Major Meinertzhagen,
British Intelligence.
- I've not had that pleasure.
- The pleasure is entirely mine.
Well, I'm surprised
to find you here, General.
I thought you'd be to Morogoro by now.
Trouble is, every time
we try to make a move,
the Germans hit us with something big.
I mean big.
The shells leave craters
50 yards across.
Sounds like a naval cannon to me,
380 most like.
-3807?7
-380 millimeter cannon,
designed by Jerry for his battleships.
It fires a two-ton shell 30 miles
and has a barrel 50 feet long.
Thirty miles? Mother of mercy.
They got a battleship out there?
That's just it.
They're not hitting us from the sea.
They're shelling us from inland,
somewhere around here.
- Inland?
- Yes, and it's hellishly mobile.
It's not just us. It's all of our positions
within a hundred-mile radius.
Gentlemen, if you had
the biggest cannon in the world
and you wish to bedevil your enemy
by land, how would you do it?
I'd mount that sucker on a flatcar
and ride the rails like a hobo out of hell.
Right.
The German railroad is 30 miles inland.
You can bet the farm
that's where she is.
Captain, I see your men
haven't lost their edge.
They're the best of the best.
Right. You lot, form up.
Eyes front!
Birdy Soames. Former merchant
marine, former lighthouse-keeper,
expert on all things sea-going,
including naval artillery.
Bill MacMillan. Former rodeo man,
wildcat miner, demolitions expert.
Big Mac, to my friends.
Mr Golo. Best tracker in Africa.
Zoltan. Ace mechanic,
expert with knives,
best clown in Europe.
Donald Parks.
Former secretary to His Majesty,
former British Intelligence,
expert strategist.
Henry Jones Junior.
Expert on trains, fluent in German.
Gentlemen, on behalf on His Majesty,
I thank you all for volunteering.
Volunteering for what?
Gentlemen, we haven't
a moment to lose.
Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait. Sir. Sir. Sir.
But No General. General.
General, you don't
I'm not even supposed to be here.
I'm in the Belgian army.
All the more laudable.
I'll write a letter of commendation
to your General, Tom Boer.
Germans are sending out
reinforcements from the south.
They are arriving in six days.
If we're still on this beach,
we are done for.
Six days?
Son, the Good Lord
made the world in six days.
What's blowing up a cannon
compared to that?
Finding the thing, that's the tricky part.
I've sent men, I've sent aeroplanes,
I've had every inch of that railway
scoured, and still nothing.
Don't know how they're hiding it.
It's a phantom train, my friends.
We'll give you all the explosives
we can spare.
We've got plenty here.
Damp air don't do this stuff much good.
Should be okay,
as long as nobody sneezes too hard.
Oh, yeah.
Whatever you do, keep this stuff dry.
Ain't no good to us wet.
What? You expect me to carry these?
Forget it. You can't just shanghai me off
on some mission.
You heard what the General said.
We're all volunteers.
- I didn't volunteer.
- Then I order you to go.
You can't! I'm not in your army!
Don't split hairs.
The answer's no.
I'm not going on some suicide mission
with a bunch of creaky old geezers
who belong in a retirement home.
I'm a captain, you're a lieutenant.
An order's an order.
All right.
This might come in handy.
- Remy.
- Great, you're back.
What took you so long?
Things have gotten
a little more complicated.
I don't want to hear about it.
I don't want to hear about it!
Just tell me we are going to join our unit
before we get court-martialed.
Of course.
Of course what?
Of course nothing.
We're going back to our unit.
- But?
- But first I have to run a little errand.
What?
Look, Remy, it'll take me a day,
two at the most.
- What errand?
- Look, I don't have time to explain.
Hey, wait a minute. What's going on?
There's nothing to worry about,
I promise.
Come on, boys.
Tallyho!
Good luck!
Look at them stars.
Well, hope don't come any better.
I'm supposed to be in Victoria
with my regiment.
Instead I'm out here.
Life's like that. You plan one thing
and up pops another.
You gotta roll with the punches, son.
Take her as she comes.
Ain't that right, friend?
How do you expect to pull this off?
What's the plan?
Youngsters and their plans.
- What's wrong with plans?
- Nothing.
So long as you're willing to adapt
when they don't work out.
He who survives
is he who thinks on his feet.
Oh, make it up as you go.
Oh, boy, that's great advice.
Amen.
When I was your age, I never thought
I'd wind up here of all places.
None of us did, I expect.
True enough.
There I was,
young man riding the rodeo circuit.
Well, one night in Abilene,
I drew to an inside straight
and won myself
a used-up ruby mine in Africa.
I thought, "What the hell"
I jumped a freighter,
came over just to see how used up
that old ruby mine might be.
So how'd you all wind up
in the same unit?
All us "creaky old geezers?"
When war broke out,
nobody would have us.
So we formed our own.
Sad thing about growing old, my boy.
The world thinks you're used up,
no good to anybody.
Terrible waste, really.
Spend your life gaining wisdom
and experience
and then nobody wants it.
Yeah, that's great, but we're
talking about blowing up a train.
True, we're not as fast
as we used to be,
and the bones do creak
from time to time.
But age and treachery will
always triumph over youth and speed.
Hey!
Thanks, kid.
20 miles.
They're shelling the beach again.
Incoming!
Can you stand? Let me help you.
Damn it!
I told you not to get this wet.
Shouldn't even be on the ground.
Look at how damp that is.
I'm sorry.
Sorry don't mean diddly, son.
What if these things don't go "boom"
when they're supposed to?
What are you gonna
tell them 2,000 boys
getting shot to pieces on that beach?
Sorry?
Sorry?
When are you gonna grow up?
Dumb kids!
Are they damaged?
I don't know. They might be all right.
These detonator caps
look awful dicey, though.
We won't know
till we try to set them off.
Dumb kids! In one ear and out the other.
Birdy, give me a dry rucksack.
There it is.
The railhead's just beyond the camp.
We'll wait here till the wee hours,
when most of their men will be asleep.
- And then what? Just stroll through?
- Something like that.
Here, put on this German uniform.
I think we'll make convincing Germans.
Just how convincing depends on you.
No. No This'll definitely never work.
They're bound to ask questions
I can't answer.
This uniform
doesn't make any difference.
When I was a lad,
my Austrian housekeeper
taught me the loveliest old song.
Anyone here know O Tannenbaum?
- Sort of.
- Excellent. You three win a drink.
What?
I don't believe it.
Less than an hour till dawn.
Captain, now that we're here,
I imagine we could use a few things.
Wouldn't hurt to nose around.
That's your speciality, Donald.
Well, sir, I suggest you proceed
to the railhead
and take up
a coordinating position there.
We'll split up
and join you in 10 minutes.
Whoa, whoa. We're staying in camp?
Isn't that pushing our luck?
You never know
what might come in handy.
Like what?
What could possibly be so important?
Toilet paper?
That's always useful.
Toilet paper?
I can't believe we're risking our lives
for toilet paper.
Leave no outhouse un-plundered.
The Germans sure take
their toilet paper seriously.
So do we.
Daimler. Look at those lines.
- Should we steal this car?
- Quite.
They're shelling the beach again.
Hurry, lad.
That's a lot closer than last night.
Fire!
Seven mile, right.
Indy, take my place.
Now, this road runs
roughly parallel to the tracks
and intercepts again
some 20 miles down.
Birdy, you and Indy take the flatcar.
We'll approach in
two different directions, and
And me and the kid
catch the train halfway. Right!
Daimler. Nice.
Yeah, the Germans do seem
to have a knack, don't they, sir?
Why am I the only one doing this?
I helped you start it, didn't I?
Stop complaining.
That's it. I've had it.
You never stop complaining.
Oh, my God.
It's on the siding next to ours.
We could hit it by spitting.
Fire!
Birdy, cover your ears.
Holy Lamb.
I hope they don't do that again.
It's moving. Come on.
I'm getting too old for this.
Come along, we've almost caught them.
We?
We?
Keep going,
we're only half a mile behind.
I reckon only half a mile to go.
Stop here, Donald.
There's our train. Reverse the car.
Hurry!
It's disappearing over that hill.
It's too quiet.
Don't you think that train
should have passed us by now, sir?
Yes. Pull forward.
Right.
There's nothing this end, sir.
I don't understand this.
What the hell?
Where'd they go?
It really is a phantom train.
I can see the car.
I see the others.
- But no train.
- No train?
Zoly, the mirror.
Flashing message, in Morse code.
Meet us halfway.
Bring
toilet
paper.
There's nothing
along this five-mile stretch of track
but a few dead-end sidings.
A train doesn't just vanish into thin air.
What kind of toilet paper is this?
They use whatever comes to hand.
Documents, memos, invoices.
Once delivered,
they go straight to the outhouse.
It's a tremendous boon
for our intelligence purposes.
You are like Gypsy, reading tea leaves.
- But what am I looking for?
- Anything unusual.
Twelve barrels of salted pork,
300 pairs of boots,
40 kilometers of telegraph cable.
None of this stuff
makes any sense to me.
What? What? What did I say?
Well, they had to have
some way of communicating
with the bloody thing, didn't they?
Zoltan, try the other side.
- I found it.
- Yes.
It's a dead end.
It's a dead end.
Where does it go?
There's nothing here but cliffs.
- Let's go.
- Well, why not?
Close up.
Gentlemen, the phantom train.
I want one in that ammo car
down the end,
two there, and two in the breach.
We're gonna knock this sucker
right off of its mounts.
We're gonna crack that damn barrel
up one side and down the other.
That's only five bundles of dynamite.
Where are we gonna put the others?
That we're gonna use on the engine,
and you're gonna show us
where to put it.
That's why we brought you along,
Mr Train Expert.
Come on.
Go! We'll finish up.
- Set the timer for seven minutes.
- Right.
It's locked.
Well, we should be safe enough
down here, I reckon.
What are you talking about?
The whole mountain's about to blow up.
Trouble.
Did he say five minutes?
- Could have been four.
- Better make it three.
Come on, Zoly, let's go.
Come on.
- What you guys waiting for here?
- The door's locked.
We can't stay here.
The whole mountain's gonna blow.
That's just what I said.
- It's too late for anything.
- We've gotta do something!
Don't panic.
Three, two, one
- What happened?
- Nothing.
- I know nothing happened.
- Faulty timer. We have to go back.
Correct. You and Mac
go and reset the timer,
the rest of you cover them.
Indy, come with me.
Come on.
- Okay, what do I do when I get there?
- Do you always have to have a plan?
It helps.
Stall them. Don't let this train
leave the tunnel. Now hurry.
- Come on, Zoly. Hurry up.
- Almost there.
Wait, they're everywhere.
That's the signal. It's moving out.
Follow me.
- Come on, Zoly.
- I need 30 more seconds.
Come along, Zoly.
Mac, Zoly, reset the timer.
Come on, Zoly, let's get back there.
- You think they're going to make it?
- Of course, they're good chaps.
Cover me, Mac. I'll be back in a second.
Indy, make some room on board.
You, too!
Look out!
Excuse me.
In, gentlemen.
Good work, Indy.
- Okay. Okay. Now, what?
- You're the train expert.
Great. Me and my big mouth.
Okay. Throttle. This is the brakes
Let's get up there. They need help.
Donald, a googly is in order.
Come on, Zoly,
I can't hold them off forever.
It will go off, couple of minutes.
Let's uncouple this thing
and get the hell out of Dodge.
I thought you boys would never get here.
Zoly!
Zoly! The ladder!
Come on, Zoly. We can't keep them
pinned down forever.
Hurry up, Zoly! Cover him!
- Go! Go!
- Come on, Zoly!
Jump, Zoly! Jump!
Put the spurs to her.
It's gonna be one God-awful big bang!
Three, two, one
Drat. The cannon didn't blow up.
Oh, no!
That's what you get
for letting my detonator caps get wet!
What are you doing?
We're going back, aren't we?
We can't let them have that gun.
Yes, of course.
You'll wait for my orders next time.
Hook her up!
Adios, boys. Drop us a card.
How do we set off those charges?
Why set them off?
Why don't we keep going
straight through the German lines?
We can take the cannon
back to the General.
Hey, the kid's right.
It would be a lovely gesture.
Are you making this up
as you go along?
Yeah.
All right. Well done, lad.
Well, boys, we just
hijacked ourselves a train.
We may wanna rethink that.
They just blew up the tracks.
They must have telegraphed ahead.
We should have cut the damn cable.
Did I also mention the whole damn
German army's coming down the road?
- What do we do now?
- What choice is there?
We give them their train back.
Maestro, a little steam, if you please.
It's my fault. If I hadn't gotten
those detonator caps wet
- Donald, sharps.
- Sharps.
There you are, sir.
Bullet.
What are you? Crazy?
That's gotta be 500 yards.
Nobody could make that shot.
Not true. I'd say there are at least
three people in the world who could.
I used to be the best shot
in Africa, once
According to you.
That was a long time ago.
Nice shot, sir.
You're only as young as you feel.
Gentlemen.
- Could it be?
- Oh, my. It may be.
Is it?
- Well, sir?
- It's them. Have a look.
Righto, men, it's them.
A hero's return.
Well deserved.
You could see the explosion
30 miles away.
Duncan. Quickly, man.
Mend well, my friend.
I will be doing backflips in no time.
Well, if the rest of you
would care to follow me.
I think some refreshment
might be in order.
Indy!
- Indy!
- Remy.
You said you'd be gone for a few days.
That was a week ago.
Something came up.
We blew up a train.
I heard. Does this mean you're a hero?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess it does.
Wonderful.
While the British pin a medal on you,
the Belgians will shoot us both
for desertion.
Colonel von Lettow
is our biggest nemesis,
and the greatest military mind
Germany has ever produced.
So far, this man
has been like a greased shadow.
This could be the one opportunity
we've been waiting for.
According to my source,
he is located about 35 miles
southwest of our position,
just here, by this little lake.
I know it's a lot to ask
after what you've just been through,
but I doubt
we'll ever have a chance like this again.
Thank you, General.
Well, gentlemen, what do you think?
Sounds like
an extraordinary opportunity.
- Let's do it.
- All in a day's work.
Remy, Remy. Relax.
Relax? We're 10 days overdue.
I'm a married man.
Think of my poor children
without a father.
Remy, I'll get this taken care of.
These are great guys.
Trust me.
Oh, Lieutenant,
the men were just telling me
about your invaluable contribution.
- You have my thanks.
- Thank you, sir.
Oh, the thing is though, General,
we were hoping you could write us
a letter explaining what happened.
A tardy apology to the Belgian army.
Of course. You deserve it.
And if you have any transportation
heading north,
because we really need to get back
to that railhead.
- Oh, you don't want to go that way.
- No?
Certainly not.
- Why?
- It would take two weeks to get there.
- More like a month.
- They're right.
What you want to do is
travel about 35 miles southwest of here,
down to this little lake, here.
You can veer north there.
Southwest? That would take us
right to the heart of German territory.
Well, of course, you'd be in disguise.
Fred. There must be something
you can do to help these lads.
Can't send them out there
on their own, can we?
I suppose I could
loan them my tracker. Mr Golo?
Hakuna Matata.
Oh, now, don't be so stingy.
These boys done us a good turn.
I I think we should all go.
Right. See them home safe and sound.
I think it's the least
we could do for them.
I agree absolutely.
It's settled, then.
"without whose help and courage,"
“the destruction of the German train
would not have been possible.”
- I love that part.
- I've heard it a hundred times.
Put it away before you lose it.
What's with you?
So, you a hero.
Me, I'm wearing this stupid dress.
- Why couldn't you be the woman?
- They didn't have my size, all right?
And I didn't have your figure.
Besides, I think we make a good couple.
Sure, we're gonna fool the Germans,
as long as they are blind
and don't ask me to dance.
Oh, this ain't so bad, hoss.
It's kind of roomy, in fact.
Count yourself lucky, Frenchie.
I'm not a Frenchie, I'm a Belgie!
You ever tell anybody,
you're a dead man.
Hey, look there.
Dust.
Mr Golo, halt.
Birdy, you better get undercover.
Looks like a courier.
- Must be one of von Lettow's.
- Who's von Lettow?
Some German, I guess.
- Might be helpful to read his mail.
- Yes, it might.
- You You can't just shoot him.
- Of course not.
Just untied the saddle.
I wouldn't do that.
Mon Dieu, he's a lady.
That's more
than I can say for you, fatso.
Great disguise.
- Margaret, are you all right?
- Oh, you know her?
Her mother was one of
the finest aviators in Africa.
The finest still.
Let me help you up.
You've picked up
some interesting habits.
When did you start
shooting women at random?
- I don't. I shot your saddle.
- Oh, that makes you a gentleman.
I was right, sir.
Their communiqué is for von Lettow.
Is he around here,
'cause we'd like to avoid him if possible.
- Am I your prisoner?
- Of course.
But we'll take good care of you.
Does your mother know you've become
a courier for the Germans?
It was her idea.
Your little affair aside,
she has no love for the British.
Well, that goes without saying.
You'll get nothing from me.
That also goes without saying.
You'll get nothing from me.
That also goes without saying.
Well, if you change your mind,
Margaret, grunt.
Well?
She answers all our questions
with a terse invitation to go to hell.
- Infuriating woman.
- She's stubborn, like her mother.
Once, on a hunting expedition, just to
prove she was braver than the men,
she crept up
behind a grazing rhinoceros
and wrote "mpumbavu" on it.
She wrote "idiot" in Swalhili
on a rhino's butt?
- In chalk.
- Got to admire that in a young lady.
Yeah.
I suppose she'll have to eat.
I'll take it.
What a fellow.
Always ready to sacrifice
for his comrades.
I brought you some food.
Pardon me while I swoon with gratitude.
You're welcome.
You always this pleasant?
Being shot off my horse
usually puts me in a foul mood.
- Today it got worse from there.
- It wasn't my idea.
Don't be modest.
I'm sure you enjoy tying women up.
Look, I'm sorry you got mixed up in this,
but we can't have you giving away
our position to the Germans.
As soon as we get far enough north,
I'm sure they'll let you go.
Are you gonna take a bite of this?
I don't know what's worse,
your cooking or your lying.
You'll never catch him. He's
far too brilliant for the likes of you.
Catch who?
What are you talking about?
- Fine. Play dumb, it suits you.
- I'm not playing anything.
Me and my friend
are just trying to get back to our unit.
We're in the Belgian army.
The others, they're just helping us.
If you say so.
I think one bite was quite enough.
As was your company.
I'd like my gag back, please.
Fine.
You try to be nice to some people
- She didn't eat?
- According to her, your food stinks.
She said that? About my cooking?
- Maybe I'll have a talk with her myself.
- Remy. Remy, don't get her started.
It's a waste of time and you'll regret it.
Well, don't say we didn't warn you.
She said something about
we'd never catch him.
- What did she mean?
- Can't fathom.
Odd woman, must be suffering
under some sort of delusion.
Germans.
Birdy, get below.
Oh dear, let me show you
your new accommodation, my dear.
Not quite the Ritz, my dear,
but you'll have to make do.
Yeah.
Well, looks aren't everything.
You wish.
Captain.
- You mistake me for someone else.
- No mistaking Frederick Selous.
Hunter, soldier,
worthy opponent.
You've been nipping at my heels
for two years now.
Not that it did us any good.
Last time we crossed paths
were at the Karoo mountains.
Brilliant flanking manoeuvre
on your part, if I might say.
- Sent us packing in a hurry.
- You are very kind.
It's an honour to meet you
face to face at last.
The honour is entirely mine.
See they get a good night's rest.
Feed them, take good care of them,
shoot them.
Wonderful! Brilliant!
I told you these stupid disgraces
wouldn't work.
It's "disguises."
Disguise The disgraces disguise
Don't matter!
Look what you've got me into!
Oh, great.
So now suddenly it's all my fault?
It's not suddenly your fault,
it's always been your fault!
You are the one
who got us lost in the first place!
Idiot!
Well, you're the one who listened to me.
What does that make you?
A bigger idiot.
That's what I am
for ever listening to you.
Gentlemen, please. Some decorum!
- And you are the biggest idiot of all!
- You are addressing a superior officer.
What are you going to do to me?
Court-martial me?
Now, now. There's no cause
to get all riled up here.
Calm down.
So far, so good.
Good night, darling.
Well, I don't know
what you're saying, sport, but
Enjoy the cigarette.
You won't need the gun. Only the keys.
Sorry to have kept you.
- Well done.
- What took you so long, Birdy?
Trucks outside. I reckon we nab one
and slash the tires of the others.
- Say "ach."
- Ach!
Wait a minute.
This is the Colonel's tent.
Leave the pistol where it is, Colonel.
- It's a kidnapping.
- You had this planned all along.
- Of course.
- Well, why drag us into it?
I needed you. You're my good luck.
Well, there you are, then.
Colonel, if you please.
We create a diversion. You go that way.
We'll see you at the trucks.
Come on.
Come on. Get in, you.
Shut up!
You've got a lot to learn
about being a prisoner.
This should do fine.
Let's go and pick up the others.
- Balloon?
- Balloon?
Come on!
Come on, let's get this thing in the air!
Remain calm, gentlemen.
Everybody on board?
Where the hell is Indy?
What has he done with my prisoner?
Remy, we did it!
- Remy! Remy!
- What? What?
- Remy!
- We did it!
There must have been 80 of them.
Well, at least six.
Remy! Remy, help me.
Remy, do something!
What?
Oh, great.
- Hate when that happens.
- Remy, are you gonna help me or what?
Finally!
- Watch out for those motorcycles.
- They'd better watch out for me.
- Where's Indy?
- Look up, there he is.
- I said, "Meet us at the trucks."
- I got sidetracked.
Come on, Indy.
- Quit messing around!
- Get down here this instant!
Get down!
How do we make this thing go down?
- The rope.
- Throw us the rope!
The rope.
Here, Remy.
That's it! Yeah!
No!
It wasn't attached to anything, you idiot.
Oh, again, it's my fault!
Where were you?
- Jump out, you idiot! Get down!
- It wasn't my idea!
You're stealing my prisoner.
I want von Lettow.
You can have him back.
Remy, throw von Lettow over.
- No. No. No. No.
- Fine, then help us to get down.
- Let's get out of here.
- Come on!
Hey, come back!
Hey, watch it!
We have your colonel up here.
Stop shooting!
Have I mentioned lately
I'm sorry I ever met you?
What sort of circus
are your people running?
They send rank amateurs to kidnap me?
You don't have to get insulted.
It's not our fault
they didn't tell us the plan.
Of course I'm insulted!
How dare you be so unprepared?
It's an utter disgrace!
It's like kidnapping my father.
Indy, we can't drift
in this balloon forever.
The first thing to do is to determine
which way we're headed.
If we're drifting toward the German side,
you might start thinking of yourselves
as my prisoners.
Yeah, that's great,
but we don't have a compass.
What?
What sort of imbecile crosses Africa
without a compass?
Don't they teach you anything?
If you were my troops,
I'd have you flogged!
We're headed south.
I'll accept your surrender now,
you'll be fairly treated.
- South, huh?
- Give us that compass.
Come on.
We're headed north,
right for the Belgian lines.
That's wonderful. If we bring him in,
that makes us heroes.
They will probably pin medals on us.
Assuming that you get me there.
Why wouldn't we?
Mon Dieu, it's the whole German army.
Wait a minute. What can they do?
We're up in the air.
Shoot you down.
- Indy, we are dropping.
- Here, Remy, tie him up.
- Hand me this glue and these patches.
- Don't move, you!
Hand me the glue.
Come here.
Hurry!
Indy, work faster.
I'm patching these as fast as I can!
We are too heavy.
We must lose some weight!
I suggest diet and exercise.
Hurry! Come on! Come on, Indy!
That's everything but the weapons.
- It's jammed.
- Oh, great.
Here.
- Indy, it's hopeless.
- I suggest you surrender.
- All right, all right. We give up.
- We give up.
What the hell?
Just kidding!
I suggest you patch those holes.
We did kidnap my father.
It's a nightmare.
You should be able
to do that blindfolded.
Shame the basket's too small
for close-order drill.
Isn't it?
Indy.
Whose is it?
German. You can tell
by the sound of the engine.
Hurry!
Nail him, Remy.
We've only got a few patches left.
Wow, you did it!
You see that? Now, that's shooting.
Maybe next time
you'll think twice about
Coming back.
One last pass
before he goes down. Commendable.
I got him.
Just take care the gun doesn't
walk up on you.
Walk up.
What do you mean "walk up"?
- Rest it on the basket.
- I don't care about walking up.
That is walking up.
Remy, hand me the patches.
I think you can forget about the patches.
- Seems like a crash is imminent.
- That's what I thought.
Throw everything overboard!
Hang on!
Any broken bones?
I don't think so.
There will be
as soon as I catch my breath.
Look, I'm only gonna
say this once, all right?
- I'm really sorry.
- Great.
That was, without question,
the most stupid act I've ever witnessed.
I might even go so far
as to say I'm awestruck.
Nevertheless, we are here.
What do we do about it?
Proceed on foot. Find our weapon.
Lions.
The lions are not the problem.
We are here
and the weapons are there.
That is the problem.
Maybe we should climb in a tree.
Next suggestion?
- One of us should go get the guns.
- Better.
Any volunteers?
Don't look at me.
You shot us down, you do it.
You are a born hero.
The lions aren't dangerous
unless they're hungry.
- You sure?
- Absolutely.
They look well-fed to me.
Then why are they eating the guns?
I hate when that happens.
Act nonchalant.
Animals can sense your fear.
Just look relaxed.
- Then why are you walking backwards?
- Just a matter of strategy.
- Yeah. Yeah, of survival.
- Whose? Them or us?
- Got any more great ideas?
- Well, there's one last thing we can try.
What's that?
It's working!
I could have done that.
North is this way.
Is this how you propose to go about it?
With you up front, and him behind?
What's wrong with that?
You do not march your prisoner
between you.
You put him up front,
where you can both see him.
Now suppose I did
something unexpected,
like grabbing you from behind.
He'd shoot you.
If he shoots me, he shoots you,
'cause I'd spin you
into the line of fire, like this.
What good is a man behind you now?
You're my prisoner now.
I'll thank you
to stop accepting my surrender.
After you.
What is it?
Dinner.
The secret is toasting it lightly.
If it gets too close to the flame,
the outside goes black
and the center runs out.
I hate when that happens.
So why do the British
want you so badly?
I'm a military genius.
- No sense in being modest.
- No?
I've run rings around the British
now for two years,
constantly outwitted and defeated forces
far greater than my own.
So what makes you such a genius?
In any given situation,
examine your options,
weigh the consequences,
and make your decision
keeping in mind the soldier's criteria.
Which is?
The soldier's first duty is to obey orders,
his second is to survive.
He may fail the second
but never the first.
I think this is done.
- No thanks.
- Eat!
Do you good, keep your strength up.
Having examined my options
and weighed the consequences,
let's get one thing straight.
You're not gonna get me
to eat a giant termite, so forget it.
Good. More for us.
It's not too bad.
What do you know?
You people eat snails.
Do you hear something?
If this is some kind of trick,
it won't work.
It's no trick. Listen.
Look.
Look up there, on the hill.
There's only one.
They are hostiles.
- You mean they're on your side?
- They're not on anybody's side.
What do we do?
Keep walking.
Take it nice and easy,
pretend you're out for a Sunday stroll.
Got any other ideas?
- Run!
- I could have come up with that.
Wait!
Take the high ground!
Give me a weapon!
How do I know
you won't try to shoot us?
If I shot you, I'd be doing you a favour.
Remy, give him his gun.
Stand back to back!
- Fight to the last man.
- Do you have any other great ideas?
Maybe you could
marry the chief's daughter.
Remy, are you hurt? Remy!
Stop!
I said stop!
- The prisoner's first duty is to escape.
- And mine is to stop you.
You might make a soldier yet.
- Nice shot.
- I was aiming at your head.
Well, then I take it back.
Drop the pistol.
You drop yours.
I'm not in the mood to bargain.
You have nothing to bargain with.
But if I shoot you first,
the colonel will be free.
She's right.
Correction. You could shoot me,
but then Remy would shoot you.
-The colonel would still be a prisoner.
“We're out-manoeuvred.
No, we're not.
The colonel's army is just over that hill.
- They'll be here any second.
- Nice try, but I'm not buying.
The wind shifts again.
What do we do now?
This calls for clear military thinking.
Examine your options
and weigh the consequences.
Option one, we shoot you both
and try to escape on foot.
Consequence, your army
tracks us down and kills us.
I'm not sure I like that one.
Option two, you and bull's eye
hop in that plane and fly away
while Remy and I shout bon voyage.
Consequence
We keep on walking
and you turn your army around.
How can you be certain?
I guess you have better things to do
than to track down two Belgian officers
trying to return to their unit.
A soldier's first duty
is to obey orders.
His second
is to survive.
Since we were never given any orders
I guess we'll just have to survive.
I'm letting you go, but just this once.
Thank God.
Good luck getting back to your lines.
Thanks. We'll need it.
You'll need more than that.
Perhaps, my young friend,
you can make use of this.
Are you sure you can use it?
We've been walking for two days now.
You sure this is a good direction?
I'm not talking to you.
You just don't care
about my wife and my children
- Don't holler at me!
- Oh, no, them again.
Need a lift?
- Where are you aiming for, chaps?
- Lake Victoria.
Lake Victoria?
Well, that's where we're headed.
Can we give you a lift?
We promised to get you back safely,
and a promise is a promise.
Great.
Gentlemen, we've had
this very interesting request.
I think that if we can reach
the upper reaches of this plain today
My poor Suzette.
I'll never see her again.