The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s01e10 Episode Script

1 I go to sleep for fifteen years and you marry my fiancee.
Isn't that incredible? I almost killed her, Mike.
When I woke up, she was all blue.
So you think Loki would be really fucked off, if we got married.
- I guess he would.
- So let's get married! Congratulations.
Thank you.
This is yours.
The marriage contract.
I like the the way, they look like trees - Dancing trees.
- But for fuck's sake! Then a bit at the bottom, where the happy couple and their celestial guardians sign on the dotted line.
- And that's it? - That's it.
So, to ensure the purity of this act of marriage.
.
we join our families in a oath which will never be broken.
You and I'll have a little chat on the rules of being a god.
And Ingas secret ingredient.
Nothing new to report.
- You should get that looked at.
- Leave it.
I deserve it.
- Why? - It was my fault.
How? Wow, you're a fricking hero.
What you did was unbelievble.
You saved his life, Axl.
Ty? Ty.
I broke rule number one.
I told a mortal, and the mortal suffered.
Sorry to hear that.
Did you freeze him to death? What? No.
Quite the opposite.
Shit, Dawn.
- Is Dawn dead? - Worse.
- She's fine.
- Fine? Ty, because of me, my friend might went up in flames.
Do you love your flatmate more than life itself, but if you stay with her, it would kill her? It is not a competion! If it was, I'd win.
present The Almighty Johnsons - S01E10 Every Good Quest Has a Sacrifice Like Jesus, Only Cooler Translation from Italian: Kreator Thanks to Subsfactory and The Norse Subbers I look like a freak, don't I? No.
You don't.
If she meant no, you'd say stuff like: "No more than usual" so I'll take that as a yes.
The doctors keep using the letters lucky.
How lucky I am, the burns could befar worse.
Then there is the part where "I'll be lucky if I see you again.
" Axl is getting married? I had no idea he was even seeing anyone.
Not seriously, anyway I mean he's always trolling with with Anders.
Oh my gosh - He has gotten some girl pregnant, isn't he? - We can't see each other anymore.
Sorry? It's not you, it's me.
I just really can't see any way I ever can be with you That we can be together.
Really, really isn't you.
You have to believe about that.
I'm so sorry.
You're really good at this.
I don't get many complains from my patients.
I bet, secretly, most of them are in love with you.
Not most of them.
Some of them, then.
Some, maybe.
I can think of one, right now.
And he has been for ages now.
And how come he never done a thing about it? To scared if i got it wrong, I might lose you forever.
What the fuck are you doing? Trying to tell you, that I love you.
And try to find out, if you feel the same about me, as I do about you.
Don't you think it's a bit 'late? I hope not.
I'd change everything to be with you, Gaia.
I swear.
What kind of monster dumps a woman for no reason, while she is in a hospital bed? Dawn is devastated, Mike.
I know.
- It's shit for her.
- It would help, if she knew why.
Are you seeing Ty today? Not until tonight.
Oh, right.
Axls stag thing.
I'll give Ty a bollocking then.
I have to go with Rob to the doctor.
I will try to see Dawn after.
- Yes, tell her I'm sorry.
- I will.
- Will you be home before that thing? - Shure, yeah.
See you tonight.
- I'll see you, Mike.
- Yes, cheers.
So, you almost kill her and then when she is still in the hospital, you dump her.
- What are you? - Anders, leave it alone.
Do you have any idea what an ​​emotional wreck i have to deal with now? I will fucking kill him! - How? By casing me in ice? - Anders, will you not fucking with him? Chill, chill, as it where.
The universe will deal to Anders.
Why can't he use the powers for good, like doing something about climate change? What's going on? Why you call us here? Better it is bloody important.
Yes, it kind of is But it should wait for a bit.
Dawn! Oh my god, you have no idea how worried i was about you.
Should you even be here? You should least take day off.
I have nothing else to live for.
What's going on? Oh, nothing.
When you dump someone, and then send them flowers and a gift basket that is called a fucking mix message.
At least now i don't have to carry this to you.
It's cold in here.
I'm getting coffee.
- Can you get me a latte? - No.
See what I have to live with? Axl, can we get, whatever this is, over with? Right.
The wedding is kind of off.
When you say that, what do you mean? - Off is an off.
- Have you gotten fucking insane? You seemed quite determined to go down the marriage part yesterday.
Yeah, well, there's kind of someone else now.
- Anyone else? - Yes - Is she also the Frigg? - I don't think that's possible.
- No, I know it's impossible.
I was making a point.
- No, she is not.
Does she have a name? Gaia.
- The flatmate.
- With intriguingly a goddess name.
It's a hippy fucking goddes name, but she is not the goddess, is she? Did you boink her? We have - made love, yes.
- So you plowed your flatmate.
Big deal, we've all been there.
Is this after what happend to your flatmate? Axl, you are going through some big changes.
Getting married .
.
Becoming the all-powerful leader of the pantheon of the gods, so it is understandable you got a few giddies.
And what better way to work through of that, than by rogering the cute flatmate.
Let me talk to Axl.
- Sure, so long as you remind him - I'm all over it.
Come on.
Thanks for your input, Ty.
You're in love with Gaia.
Yeah.
I am.
Told Eva yet? Yeah, hell hath no fury like a goddess scorned.
Is that exactly true? I got to find out! It seemed like a propiet thing to say.
Thanks for that.
You're gonne have to tell, though.
Yeah, I know.
Do you think if your mate Zeb had'nt gone up in smoke You and Gaia would still have You know.
Probably not.
But we have and.
.
it feels right, you know? It feels like, i am where i should have been a long time ago.
Then if that's what those two hearts of yours are saying Go there.
Don't worry about any quest, or us or that shit.
Just do, what makes you happy.
Don't worry.
It will be fine.
- He'll be fine.
- The question was "How's your boy?".
- The answer is either "good" or "not so good.
" - A little nervous, nothing to worry about.
- How's your girl? - She is .
.
Spactacular good.
- So, what are you wearing? - You'll see soon enough.
Do you wearing any panties? Goodbye, depraved little god.
- It's a formal event, Grandpa.
- Yes, it is.
A blessing of this future union by a convication of gods.
In other words, a formal event.
Yes, it is.
I brought you iPod.
At least my ears still work, huh? Are we alone? - Yes - So You got this god gathering thing, right? Good guilty.
I'm thinking giving it a swift.
You can't.
The point of it is you, right? After what happened to you I don't know if I want anything to do with any of this stuff.
What do you mean, what happened to me? You're in here, you're blind.
You may be blind All because of god shit.
And maybe I don't want anything to do with this war.
Or maybe I'm here because you shouldn't put half a bottle of Bourbon in the barbecue marinade.
- That was just the way they send the message.
- So what if they did? When you properly Odin, you can kick their asses.
Put ​​your hands on my eyes.
- Why? - Just do it.
- Okay, now what? - See, if you were the proper Odin than there would be this magic moment, where you heal your sidekick, - and I be able to see again.
- I am not fucking Gandalf, Zeb! No, you gonna be the most awesome Odin ever.
And that is a fact.
Hey, can you help me with this? Where is Rob? Out, at the movies.
It's been a night for Rob.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Done.
- Thank you.
What's up? I went to the doctors today.
Yeah, yeah, with Rob.
Yeah another doctor.
One for me, Rob came with me.
I'm pregnant, Mike.
Six weeks pregnant.
It's not mine, is it? Because we haven't made love, since Rob came to stay.
Mike, we haven't had an affair, not here Not under this roof.
I wouldn't do that to you.
Then how the hell you're pregnant? Immaculate Conception? Rob and I made love, once, in Dannevirke.
I love him, Mike.
I still do.
I'm sorry.
I have to go.
Hey.
You going out? I gonna have to.
To your stag do? It is not a stag do, it's sort of a family thing.
But it has to do with your wedding, right? That is meant to be, yeah.
Meant to be.
There is some stuff, i have to deal with.
Like me? Yeah.
You are a big part of it.
Look, if you want to write of what happened last night as a mistake - No, i don't want to do this! - Because i don't do few things, Axl.
I know, I know.
And .
.
if there is something real between you and me i need to sort things out with Jacob.
And there is a whole lot, that i need to make right.
Which ist, what i need to do today.
Don't worry.
It'll be all good.
All I'm saying that people hate lawyers, they hate insurance, but if you want change that perception, call me.
I might just do that.
Right after I hammer a nail through cock.
Excuse me.
Hey, how did your talk with Mike go? Okay.
- Is Eva here? - No, not yet.
So We're all good for today? Yes, all good.
I need a drink.
Hey.
I want a favor from you.
- Okay.
- When you become a true god I need you to make me mortal, so i can stop being me, because being me hurts too much.
Okay.
My Lord Odin.
Welcome.
Help yourself to food and drink.
I tried to be authentic as i can, but it's to find polar bear liver these days.
The best whale sashimi ever.
No wonder these fuckers are endangered.
What are you drinking? Aquavit.
At any good? It does the job.
Works for me.
Goddesses, thank the heavens! It was starting to get a litte homoerotic for my liking.
You must be Snotra.
You have a lovely house.
?????.
- Sjofn.
- That's me.
Okay, I think we're done.
- Touch me and I'll break your fingers.
- No desire to touch a handmaiden Especially when I don't where she has been.
I don't need a stupid label.
You've never had a sense of occasion never had a sense of fun.
Do you think Frigg is one of those goddesses that's like capable of great violence when she is pissed off? - Don't they all? - Great.
Greetings! Welcome to my humble hall.
Welcome to the Gudagilda.
We are away from the world of mortals.
We can celebrate our true nature without fear of consequences and drink til our eyes bleed.
How come we do not know who she is? Who? - The Helen Clarke lookalike.
- Because we don't know shit about shit.
Have you been taken optimism lessons from Ty again? - Drink out boys, or you get left behind.
- Top me up.
The answer to your earlier question Is no.
Saucy.
Hey, how is it going? I am working on to make it look better.
Cool.
Can we have a chat somewhere in private? Here are, the happy couple.
- Let's get the business shit on its way.
- What business shit? My Lords and Ladies of the Aesir, may I crave your attention? As the father in this mortal realm of the bride it is my duty, which I freely admit I perform reluctantly to impart onto the family of Axl Johnson the price I must pay on to them to take her of my hands.
- What am I, a piece of meat? - Worse, you're a daughter.
It's right.
Really.
We don't want anything from you.
The BMW parked out front So the gods breed that spill from your seed and her womb at least drives relative safety.
And as land is tradition on these things I hereby give to you the sexual adjoining to my place in Omaha Beach.
Where you can construct using your skilled craftsman hands And within the convenance of the subdivision a beachfrontet boat.
And with that all and any duties I have regarding my daughter are well and truly cut.
Wanker.
Fucking wanker.
Okay.
We'll talk later, okay? Don't know where he thinks we get the money to build a bloody house Beachfrontet property, Mike.
Gold.
The surfing at Omaha is entirely acceptable on a good day.
See? All good.
Even Ty is excited too, I can tell.
You can go for long walks on the beach, and stuff.
You'll love it.
That's an excellent goddess score, Axl.
Aren't you glad you came to your senses? Old nursey flatmate girl i bet her daddy doesn't got suiside real estate to give away.
I need another drink.
We all need many more drinks.
Now there's one future wife who knows how to wield a carving knife.
When you said I couldn't sleep around anymore, you talking about mortals, right? - Do what you want.
- As you wish, Darth Odin.
When you answered no to my question i will need proof of this.
Your goddess boss lady, the one who knows how to party, she is Freya.
Prosperity .
Nice.
And a hag And straight What's your problem? Do you love him? Who? Axl, of course.
- Odin.
- I don't need to love him.
- But you should.
- Love has nothing to do with the deal going down here.
This deal? That is deeply fucking wrong, coming from the mouth of the goddess of marriage.
I am also the goddess of "fuck off and leave me alone.
" Marriage and love are not the same thing.
- Not even close.
- But they should be.
And you of all people should know that.
What's Hod god of? Sticking his nose where it is not wanted? You don't love him - Don't marry him.
- Get the message, loser.
Love is not part of this equation.
And your are fine with this, aren't you? As long as you get the scoe points of your old man.
Fuck you.
Do you think the world shit on you, so you're getting of on all of this, because it makes you feel better about your pathetic life! - You fucking moronically/???? shithead! - Do it! You be doing me a favor.
Fucking will.
I'm not scared.
- Let me do with him.
- I'd rather you killed me Here and now, than kill Axl slowly because you don't love him.
- Ty, leave it alone.
- He's a good boy! - He deserves love, not what you give him! - Ty, shut the fuck up.
He is yours.
You got the words a waste.
- Come with me.
- Hey.
Who's that prick anyway? You.
It don't care if he's your brother, he has no right to talk to me like that! It's Ty! That's the way he is.
- He's an asshole, that's what he is! - Not really! And he is also right.
What? There should be love.
And there isn't.
Not between you and me.
I mean, I like you, but I don't love you.
I love someone else.
I love someone else.
Turns out there is something about a god versus a goddess knifeline, that makes me feel native fuck someone.
Weird, huh? I thought you were all about waiting till after the wedding.
And suddenly now I am not.
What are we doing about that? Mike, I swear, I don't know where that came from.
From the moment she walked in the room, the moment I saw her I had to have a crack at her.
She needed to know the truth, and I'd be the one to fucking tell her! Go on.
You're the one running the show, apparently.
Excuse me everyone.
If i can have your attention for a moment? Due to unforeseen events, there has been a change in plans.
No.
.
.
that dick.
The wedding is off, I am afraid.
Are you sure about this? Yes.
Even with the penalty goals? - The what? - The penalty goals.
Hey, you can keep the beach land and the car.
- I don't care.
- The penalty goals in the contract that you signed And your brother guaranteed.
The one that says that, if the marriage contract is broken Then their life ist forfeit.
What? Are you telling me, that if we don't get married I die? No! Your brother dies, as guarantor.
Two god families, joined together forever On the pain of - Did you not read that? - It was written in fucking tree language! You didn't mention anyone will die! Look We have been deeply misled.
You still signed the contract in blood.
- Blood in, blood out.
- But we didn't know! You should have asked for the english version! I presumed you understood runes.
All you had to do was ask.
You can't kill Mike, because a wedding doesn't happen.
I won't.
He will .
.
just die.
14 working days after this breach of contract He will be hit by a car or electrocute himself or choke on a bagel.
I don't know.
He will just die.
Because that is the will of the gods.
It's not my will, and I'm Odin! Well, the cosmic order doesn't give a shit who you are.
It's done.
Come on, I put myself the same risks.
Actually, it was my decision.
I was the one who called it off, so he should be the one who dies.
Yes, well.
Nice try, darling, but I think we all know it's bullshit.
I'm sorry, mate.
I kinda liked you This is what happens when you get us to trust the most fucking important decision of our lives, to some spinner goddess bitch.
You were there too, Anders.
- Can I just say one thing? - No, you got us into this.
You have to marry her.
For Mike.
I don't know if she wants to marry me.
Not after I told her that I am in love with Gaia.
Forget Gaia.
Gaia is your fucking flatmate.
He is your brother.
Axl should do what he wants to do.
Hey, don't go Ghandi on it.
Do you think it matters, contractwise, that she is not the Frigg? I'm sorry? Well, I think they should all fucking die.
It's not too late, you know.
You can stop this meaningless death, if you get Odin see sense.
If you're only saying that, because you think she's Frigg She's not.
Sorry, but you're not.
Yes, I am.
Everyone says I am.
Well, you're not.
The first clue was the flowers.
When Ty and Eva argued, the flowers died.
I have that effect on things when I get powered up.
No, you freeze things, when you get passion.
- Dawn for example.
- Jesus, Olaf! The flowers were dead, not frozen.
Then there was the food All around you, when you and he argued, the food had decayed.
Then Frigg would not have that kind of effect, when she gets rocked up.
So who does? Hel.
Hel? That doesn't sound good.
Goddess of the Underworld.
Ruler of the dead.
Fun-fucking-tastic! Do you have to? Actually I do.
It's a biological imperative that i have masses of sex.
Couldn't you imperative someplace else? Whose house is this? Here we go.
Hello there? Mike Johnson here.
It seems that would be.
Your daughter she is not the Frigg.
Is this so? Eva is not Frigg, it seems.
We believe she is the goddess Hel .
The Queen of the Underworld.
Yeah, that would make sense.
Hell, yes, yes.
I didn't see that.
You didn't know this? Anything you were paying attention, Michael.
I had very little to do with my daughter for number of years now.
Hell, yeah.
You will get a necklace and a twist.
You let us to believe, she was Frigg.
You lived up to the assumption, that she was Frigg.
- I went along with it.
- But she is not.
- Apparently.
- There for The contract is null and void.
I think you find the contract states that there would be a marriage between a god from your family and a goddess from my family, upon pain of death.
Your death, in this case.
Nowhere does it state, that the goddess must be Frigg.
- Why are you doing this? - I'm Loki, Michael.
What did you expecting? Fucker, as I think the word you are searching for, Mike.
Fuck! Axl, should go hit and marry her! Mike gets saved, but we carry on with the quest.
Axl gets to cheat on the goddess of death.
- He is Odin.
He rules her.
- The goddess of death, Anders.
I can't see that ending well.
And he's not Odin.
He hasn't found Frigg yet.
He's still just Axl.
Okay, and what if Axl marries her, and gets a quicky divorce? In old Norse, the word for "divorce" is the same as that for to have your anus reamed with a blunt sword, while ravens pick out your eyes.
You're doing the right thing.
Go with your heart.
That way doesn't swimmingly well for you, Mike.
- Yeah, we're done bring me into the equation.
- It be hard fucking not to! Do you want to die? - Every good quest has a sacrifice.
- No way! You can't just walk away from life! What about Valerie? What about her? Don't worry about Valerie.
She sort it.
What do you mean, sort it? She's left me For Rob.
No way! Bad shit happens.
Can we not talk about this right now? Now all I want to do now is go to sleep.
We got played! Ghee! You think? Your boss Freya, her and Loki.
If you lock up Odin in a god marriage to the wrong goddess, then Suddenly, Frigg is off the menu.
Unless your boy Ullr takes one for the team.
You make shure he plays his part Then we're back where we started.
What do you mean "we"? You fucking prick! Shit! I always thought you and Valerie were like - forever.
- Clearly not.
She is mom and you're dad.
Solely dad now.
- I can't believe she do that to you! - I knew she would From the moment he woke up.
So why you didn't stop it? Cause, like I said the bad shit will always happen.
I marry Eva.
I make things right with Eva, and marry her, to save you.
For fucks sake, Axl! You don't want to marry the goddess of death! - Maybe it won't be as bad as it sounds.
- No! Not gonna happen! And when I said I didn't want to talk about this tonight, I really meant that.
Thanks for your couch.
Okay.
- Night.
- Good night, Axl.
I have a rape whistle, and I'm not afraid to use it, eh! - No, you're not.
- How would you know? You don't know me anymore! I know you're hurting.
And you're hurting because you don't understand why.
You are a truly, truly wonderful person, Dawn.
So wonderful you have the need to dump me! And I wish I could spend the rest of my life with you.
- I'm going back to the mixed up thing, Ty! - There's someone else.
Who? That's not importend.
- Kind of is! - What's importend, that there is someone else which means that we can never be together.
I'm sorry! Why are you telling me this? So maybe it hurt a little bit less.
Not doing it for me so far.
So you have got something concrete to be angry with me about then.
What if I don't believe you? Just do.
It will be easier for you.
Hi! Hi! I thought I might have seen you, at some stage last night.
I I kind had a brother to deal with.
Which one? Mike.
What's up with Mike? Marriage stuff.
Sorry to hear that.
He is not here now, is he? You want some breakfast? Toast or something? Sure.
So, apart from your brother how was last night? It was kind of out there/????.
In what way? It just was.
Is that, why everything has changed? Last night, you were totally into the idea of ​​you and me.
- Today, not so much.
- I'm still totally into you! It's not how it's feeling for me.
It's got complicated.
How? It's kinda hard to explain.
Try me.
Are you still getting married? I don't have a choice.
- How can you not have a choice? - I just don't! So what was I? An excuse? - A pathetic attempt to get out of it? - No, no, right.
I love you.
I really do.
- Then explain to me what the fuck is going on right now! - I can't! Gaia.
I wish I could But I can't.
I'm an idiot.
- What an idiot! - No! Gaia, you're not.
Gaia, Gaia, don't! I'll just grab a few things and I get out of your way.
Where will you go? Does that matter? - I know I should be the one moving out, but - When you say "I" You mean "we", are you? Because there is two of you.
Well Three now.
And one of me, so it makes sense, that I am the one who fucks off.
- Please don't make it like that.
- No! I should be my usual noble self.
Funny I thought that was one of the things that you hated about me.
I don't hate anything about you.
But you love him.
And I love her.
He speaks! I tried didn't want this to happen.
I tried to fight it, out of respect to you.
Yeah.
You fought it all the way to Dannevirke.
One day, Mike, I went asleep.
I was in love with the woman, I wanted to spend the rest of life with.
15 years later I woke up.
And I hadn't changed.
So as far as I'm concerned, I'm packing up from where I left off With Val With our child.
- Fuck! - Fuck sake, Mike! There was no need for this! I beg to differ.
- He's just been in a coma, for God's sake! - I'm okay, I'm okay.
Jesus Yeah, Ty.
What's up mate? - Who's there? - Me.
Axl? - You look amazing.
- Do I? Like the day when we went to Mangafine/xxxx, and you fell asleep on the beach.
Really? - Because you look like shit.
- Cause that's maybe because I feel like shit.
Fuck, can you see? Yeah, brother.
You prick! Don't worry.
I haven't told anyone that it was you.
But it wasn't me.
You layed your hands on me, and look I was cured.
You were like Jesus, only cooler.
Except Jesus that Jesus never fucks up everything around him.
How? I better get this.
Please tell me that we are here to do the prick over.
Here as ordered.
- What happened to your eye? - Later.
- Thank you for seeing us.
- It 's the least I could do Since we are almost a family.
Yes.
Anyway, I have been studieng this contract.
Always good to get the opinion of a frige repairman, when it comes to legal documents.
Yes.
And you're right.
There is nothing in here, that says which god should marrying which goddess.
At no time does it say, it should be Frigg that marries Odin.
I am glad your keen legal advice concurs.
Yes.
There is also nothing in here, that says which of our family must marry which member of yours.
- I only have one daughter.
- Yes, but we havee four brothers.
One of whom, him Signed a contract in blood, as did my daughter.
This implies a bond.
Yes.
But "implies" isn't what is it all about, when it comes to contracts is it? So, I will be the one marrying your daughter On behalf of our family.
- You? - Yes - Does she know this? - Yes.
Has she agreed? This isn't the Dark Ages, man.
You can't just claim her in communes with a raping.
Yes, she agrees.
Copy of the application of the marriage license.
It will be a simple ceremony at a register office As soon as the license comes through.
You're welcome to attend.
I think I will give it a miss.
We figured as much.
And now no one needs to die Do they? You can go.
What have you done? I saved your life, I believe.
Are you actually marrying her or was that bullshit? I'm marrying her.
- How the hell did you manage that? - I asked her, of course.
I am Hod, god of all thing cold and dark.
You knew, as I did, the moment you saw me We're meant to be together until one or both us die.
I am Hel Goddess of the underworld.
- And I fucking hate it.
- Welcome to my world.
Ty You don't have to do this for me.
It has nothing to do with you, Mike.
As Axl has his fate, now I have mine.
And if you get a out of jail free, take it.
Be happy.
Be free.
Live life.
And stop looking at me like that.
It's not as bad as it sounds.
I'll be fine.
I love you as a brother, Ty, because you're my brother It's up on me fucking good.
- Hi.
- Hi.
All things are sorted out.
It's okay.
Hi.
I'm headed up to Waiheke.
I'm gonna stay with Jacob for a while.
I'm moving out, when I get back.
See ya.
Traditionally this is when much alcohol is consumed.
I'll catch you guys later.
- She is gonna kill Ty, right? - Or him her.
Gods and Goddesses It's the way it works.
We need to stop it.
All the shit, needs to be put right.
Let's find her.
Let's find the Frigg.
Put the world to rights.
Any idea how? It's a game, right? I Ullr God of games.
You know that will mean using your powers, right? Paper, rocks, scissors.
How hard can it be? - You're catching up, aren't you? - Yes.
I brought you a present.
I do promotion work for the Fenrir vodka people.
You already know that? Because you're Fenrir.
Do you own the company Among the many, many other companies you own, I now find out.
It's that why you engaged me? Your're testing me? I needed someone and you are cheap.
Disappointing.
I was hoping it will be a sign that we move forward together Putting aside our differences, find ways we both might Benefit each other, in these strange times in which we live.
I think, you and I can do remarkable things together.
I see.
I don't have a problem with age If that's what you're worried about.
I was more worried about the fact that I am your mother.