The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s01e10 Episode Script

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shootin' at some food And up through the ground come a-bubblin' crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Jed, come on.
Granny, this is a lotta darn nonsense! Come on, it ain't no such thing! Now it ain't gonna hurt you none.
I got things to do.
The first thing you gotta do is sit down here and get your hair cut.
My hair don't need cuttin'.
If it gets any longer I'll have to braid it.
I declare, you fight hair cuttin' like a steer fights brandin'.
The last time you cut my hair you did brand me.
How did I know somebody poured hot gravy in my bowl? It smarted considerable.
Sure plastered your hair down nice, though.
You know, I might go to sellin' that stuff.
Gravy? Sure made your hair look mighty sprucy.
Yes, sir.
You were slicker than a peeled onion.
Smelled like one, too.
Might go to sellin' that stuff.
I could put an ad in one of them catalogs.
"If you want the girls to stop and stare, put Granny's gravy on your hair.
" All right, Granny, come on, let's get on with it.
Hey, Uncle Jed, you're gettin' your hair cut.
Thanks for tellin' me, Jethro.
That's all right.
You're next, Jethro.
What's goin' on? Is there gonna be a weddin' or somethin'? Might could be, the way that Sonny Drysdale is a sparkin' Elly May.
He's with her right now.
Out by the cement pond.
I better get right out there and keep an eye on Now you sit still and leave those young'uns alone.
Can't you remember how it was when you was a boy? Yeah.
I better get right out there.
It's broad daylight.
And besides, they's swimmin'.
No, they ain't.
They's a-sittin' on the bank.
And he's a-holdin' her hand.
What an interesting hand you have.
I see a man.
A handsome man.
A handsome Harvard man.
Where? Right there, on your heart line.
Oh, that's just a wart I got from pickin' up toads.
Elly.
You mustn't let horrid, slimy creatures touch you.
Oh, heck, you ain't slimy, Sonny.
Just a mite greasy from all that oil you smear on yourself.
What a precious paradox you are! What a charming contradiction.
You look pure Park Avenue, and you speak pure Tobacco Road.
Is that good? Good? It's fascinating.
You're a challenge to me, child of nature.
You are the raw clay from which I will mold a perfect woman, worthy of a perfect man me.
Do you know Shaw's Pygmalion? I don't even know Shaw, let alone his pig.
Oh, you woodland sprite! You forest little bird.
You are so refreshing after all those intellectual types at Vassar and Wellesley.
You make me feel superior.
Is that good? Good? It's divine.
I am Caesar.
And you are a fair-skinned captive, a barbarian slave.
Shall I drag you through the streets of Rome behind my chariot? Or, shall I throw you into the arena with my lions? No.
Caesar has other plans for you, my little savage.
You shall be my slave, yes, but only the invisible bonds of love shall make you my prisoner.
Come.
I shall strum upon my lyre.
And recite odes to your beauty.
What say you to that, fair maiden? How speak you now to mighty Caesar? I declare, Sonny, you're more fun than a bucket of tadpoles.
Sit still, I'm liable to lop off a ear.
Well, doggone it, Granny, hurry up.
I gotta get out there and keep an eye on Sonny and Elly.
Do you want me to go out and see what they's up to, Uncle Jed? You just sit still, the both of ya.
How do you expect Elly May to get a husband if you don't let the boy spark her? Well, Elly ain't never been learned about such things.
Jed, sparkin' is like breathin'.
You don't learn to do it.
Somebody slaps you and you go at it.
If that boy slaps Oh, now sit still.
I declare, you're wigglin' worse than a worm in a bait bucket.
You want your daughter to be an old maid? Course not.
Next year, she'll be too old to get a husband.
She's almost 18.
Is Elly May that old? Sure is.
She's done waited too long, Uncle Jed.
Why, no boy wants to marry up with a middle-aged woman.
Elly May can get herself a husband any time she wants to.
Why, she's the prettiest and the Now, don't get your old feathers riled up, you old rooster you.
Elly May'll be all right if you just leave her alone.
Well, I ain't sure Sonny Drysdale is good enough for her.
He's considerable older than she is.
Don't worry about that, Uncle Jed.
His family lives a heap longer than most folks.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Sonny told me that there's been a member of his family a-livin' in Boston since 1632.
That rascal's over 300 years old.
Jethro, he was a-greenin' you.
Yeah, you sure swallowed a Whopper.
No, ma'am.
Sonny's honest.
Why, he's so honest he has to have somebody do his lyin' for him.
Do his lyin' for him? Yes, sir.
Why, I heard him call through the hedge to Elly.
He says, "I'm comin' over to serenade ya, and I'm gonna bring my 'liar.
Veni, vidi, vici.
The world lies conquered at my feet, and yet I tremble at the nearness of this flaxen-haired barbarian.
Could it be that the invincible Caesar is about to be vanquished Not by the spears and arrows of the Gallic tribes, but by Cupid's dart? Yes, fair maiden.
You have done what your fierce kinsmen could not.
You have brought mighty Caesar to his knees.
Come.
I will take you to my palace and there compose odes to your beauty.
See yon window? 'Tis the Emperor's suite.
There I shall woo you.
Mother! That's my room! And those are my binoculars.
You're not supposed to spy on the Emperor.
What are you trying to tell me, Sonny? Mumsie can see you, but she can't hear you.
Yes, darling, Mumsie is watching.
You look magnificent.
Like Apollo, the god of manly youth and beauty, the god of poetry and music.
Oh, look out! You're getting near the water.
Be careful.
Wait! Mummy will get your inner tube.
Come, fair maiden, and I shall sing of your golden tresses and your azure eyes and your skin of alabaster.
And your other charms that set me aflame.
You mean you're really burnin'? Yes, dear one, and only you can put out the fire.
Okay.
How's that, Sonny? Feel better now? All right, Jethro, you're next.
Oh, hi, Elly May.
Where's Sonny? Well, he run home to his mama.
You didn't throw him down and hurt him again, did you? Shucks no, Pa.
He caught fire, so I wetted him down in the pond.
Sounds like you done the right thing.
How'd he catch fire? He said it was my charms that set him to burnin'.
What charms was you totin'? Well, just my sack of crawdad bones and my buckeye.
Ain't never heard of crawdad bones and a buckeye startin' a blaze.
What happened to you rabbit's foot? I didn't have it.
There ya are.
You can expect trouble when you ain't totin' a rabbit's foot.
You know what my teacher over at Pott School said about totin' a rabbit's foot? What? She said it's a superstitious invocation contradicted by scientific knowledge.
Hmm.
Always nice to know you ain't been doin' somethin' foolish.
Don't you worry none, Elly.
You go jump into a perty dress and I'll whomp you up a love charm that I guarantee will bring Sonny Drysdale back.
Yes I am, Mother, I'm going back.
Sonny, darling, you're delirious.
Oh.
Here, breathe some of this penicillin mist.
I'll send for an ambulance.
Mother.
I am perfectly all right.
Of course you are, precious.
A nice rest in an oxygen tent is all you need.
I don't need an oxygen tent or an ambulance.
All right, all right.
Just relax and Mumsie will call the police.
Police?! But of course.
I mean to have that violent, dangerous girl arrested for attempted drowning.
Mother, you will not call the police! I'm going back there right now to see Elly May.
Aw, darling.
That's very brave of you, but you're in no condition to make a citizen's arrest.
Mother, I'm not going to arrest her, I want to help her.
To work with her, to tutor her.
What? She's like a wild, wonderful jungle cat, and I'm going to tame her.
Sonny, you are delirious.
I'll call a doctor.
Mother! My mind is made up.
That girl needs me.
For the first time in my life somebody really needs me.
I need you.
The whole world needs you.
Elly May Clampett needs me, and I need her.
I'll be her Pygmalion and she'll be my Galatea.
Sonny, you're not becoming emotionally involved with that creature? She's not a creature, Mother, she's a girl.
A wild, wonderful, beautiful, ravishing girl! Yes, I am becoming emotionally involved! Sonny, I forbid it.
She's not socially acceptable for my baby.
Mother, I'm not your baby anymore.
I'm a man in search of a woman.
Where did he learn that language? Hello, Duke, you noble veteran of the chase.
Are you homesick for your forest paths and mountain trails? You look like a cashier waiting for the bank examiners to arrive.
You know, if you were a cashier, you could hide a million dollars in here.
There goes that music again.
Jethro, did you ever find out where that's coming from? No, sir, I didn't.
Every time I went to lookin' for it, somebody always come to the door.
This time, I'm gonna find it for sure! You see? Bonjour, Jethro.
Oh, howdy, Miss Hathaway.
No, no, no, no, no.
When I say, "Bonjour, Jethro," you say, "Bonjour, Mademoiselle Jane.
" Now say it.
Bonjour, Mademoiselle Jane.
"Bone-jure, mad-mazell" Jane.
That's very good except for the "moi" sound.
It must be soft.
Moi.
Ma No, no, watch my lips closely.
Mmmoi.
Try that.
Mm-wa.
Try it again.
Mmmmmwah.
That's closer.
Try again.
Mmmmmwah.
Once more.
Mmmmmwah.
Close in on her, Jethro.
Oh.
Oh, Mr.
Clampett, I was attempting to teach Jethro to articulate the Gallic diphthong.
No matter what fancy name you call it, he ain't very good at it.
He'll learn.
But now to the purpose of my visit.
Is Sonny Drysdale here? No, but he will be.
Granny's out in the kitchen whompin' up a love charm for Elly to give to him.
She says it'll bring him on the run.
Mr.
Clampett, I am reluctant to disillusion you about so-called love charms, but they are mere superstitious invocations and have been proved to be completely ineffective.
Granny sets great store by 'em.
Here ya are, Elly.
One guaranteed love charm.
Guard it with your life.
What's in it, Granny? Oh, I dare not tell ya.
Leastways not just yet.
But I'll give you the secret before I go on to my reward like my Granny done to me.
I'll guard it too, Granny.
Granny? Granny, Mr.
Clampett tells me that you've conjured up some sort of love charm for Elly May.
Right here it is.
Made outta all secret stuff.
That is ludicrous, irrational, sophomoric, and pure hokum.
You didn't even guess one ingredient.
Oh, now, Granny.
Don't you come spyin'.
I'm tellin' you for the good of the country.
If the secret of this love charm ever got out, I shiver to think what might happen.
I wouldn't want it on my conscience.
Hear me now, mongrel.
Neither sleet nor snow nor vicious beast shall keep me from the side of my beloved.
Here I come, ready or not.
So you still think it won't work, huh? That is correct.
All right, Elly.
Open up the pouch a might.
Now when I drop this startin' powder in it, quick close it, press it to your heart and say, "Darlin', darlin', my true love, come a-swoopin' like a dove.
" Darlin' darlin', my true love, come a-swoopin' like a dove.
This is absolutely Elly! Elly, my beloved.
I have flown to your side in spite of all danger.
What fate, what power have I to thank for giving wings to my feet? That little old charm maker, me.
And now we shall begin the transition from Tobacco Road to Park Avenue.
Now you watch me closely and I'll show you how to develop perfect posture and grace of movement.
Ah, Kipling.
Well.
Do you like Kipling? I don't know.
I ain't never kippled.
Oh, you are a challenge, you ravishing rustic.
You child of nature.
Now, here, you try it.
There we are.
Now walk.
Oop! You'll have to try that again.
Now sit down.
Now watch me.
We walk as though upon a cloud, and we glide with lissome grace.
And as we walk we always keep a smile upon our face.
What's he doin'? That there is somethin' called kipling.
He's tryin' to learn it to Elly.
This is how you sit in a chair smoothly and gracefully.
There ain't no chair where he's a-sittin'.
I know.
What do ya reckon's wrong with that rascal? 'Pears to me he's about two bricks shy of a load.
Yeah.
Turn ol' Duke loose so he can go in there and protect Elly.
Now we'll practice diction and intonation at the same time.
How now brown cow.
How now brown cow.
What's he talkin' about? He thinks old Duke is a cow.
You'd best fetch Granny.
Appears to me she thrower! Too strong a charm on that boy.
Yes, sir.
There you are, one guaranteed charm.
Now, you hold the bag while I sift in the starter.
I know this is all a lot of absolutely ridiculous nonsense.
Please hurry.
Darling, darling, my true love, come a-swooping like a dove.
I'd better open this door before he busts it in.
Miss Jane! Here he is! Granny's love charm is too strong.
Don't fight it.
It's bigger than both of us.
You circled on me.
Granny, come quick.
The love charm you throwed on Sonny Drysdale was too strong for him.
Thank you, Granny! How now brown cow.
How now brown cow.
How now brown cow.
How now brown cow.
How's it goin', Uncle Jed? Bad.
Now he's got Elly believing old Duke is a cow.
Can you break the charm, Granny? I reckon so.
I'll sprinkle him with some lettin'-go powder.
While you're at it, will you sprinkle some on Miss Jane? She's shuttin' off the blood to my arm.
How now brown cow.
Secret powder, white as snow, make the charm of love let go! The spell is broken! Now, please, everybody listen to me.
I must have complete quiet and concentration if I am to transform this bucolic beauty into a sophisticated debutante.
Now, I have studied drama at Yale, Harvard, Princeton, and Dartmouth, and I am probably the only living man who can accomplish this difficult cultural metamorphosis in the brief time available.
Now, everybody please go! While I transfuse into this simple, untutored mind the charm, the polish, the splendor that is Sonny Drysdale.
Jed? Hi, Granny.
Is Elly and Sonny still in that room alone? They was last time I was listening, couple of hours ago.
They was talkin' about the rain in Spain a-layin' in the plain.
Well, I guess they can't be up to no nonsense if they's talkin' about the weather.
Doggies, I can't wait to see Elly all polished up and talkin' like Sonny and Miss Jane.
While you're waitin', I got somethin' for you.
What is it? A love charm.
What in the Sam Hill I want with that? It ain't what you're wantin', it's what you're gettin': a woman.
And it's high time you got one, bein' a widower.
Besides, the moon is right.
That's why this stuff's workin' so high-fired powerful.
So here.
Well, I ain't interested in none of these la-dee-da Beverly Hills women, so here.
Well, they're interested in you, so here.
Who says? Jethro says.
Jethro don't know nothin', so here.
I reckon Jethro oughta know what's going on in his own school.
Besides, I saw her makin' sheep's eyes at you, so here.
You caught who makin' sheep's eyes at me? Mrs.
Millicent Schuyler Potts, that's who.
Oh, now you did? An educated woman like that? Jethro says she asks for you every day.
Hmm.
Oh, what'd she want with an old mountain goat like me? If I was to put a little startin' powder in there, and you was to say the magic words, no woman could resist ya.
Ah, I don't hold with stuff like this.
You're a-scared, ain't ya? No, I ain't a-scared.
Then go ahead, I double-dog-dare ya.
Well.
Open the pouch a might.
Now.
Well, this is just a lot of doggone nonsense.
Close it tight, clamp it to your heart and say the words.
Darlin', darlin', my true love, come a-swoopin' like a dove.
Where is he? Where's my darling? It's Mrs.
Drysdale! Where is he? Oh, where is he? Oh.
I tried to stay away, but I could not.
He's mine and no other woman shall have him.
Mrs.
Drysdale, you're a married woman.
Think of your husband.
Control yourself.
I don't care about my husband.
I want my darling! And no one is going to keep me from him.
I sure hate to have to do this, but Sonny! Where are you, Sonny? He's inside with Elly May.
Now if you just calm yourself down, I'll go and get him.
He's a-comin', Mrs.
Drysdale.
Howdy, Ma.
Was you a-hollerin' for me? They've brainwashed you.
Well, now it's time to say goodbye to Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways presentation.