The Crazy Ones s01e10 Episode Script
Models Love Magic
Got it.
Code 12.
The models have entered the building.
- Okay.
- That's Code 12.
It's go time.
How's my hair? - Perfectly tousled.
- Why so anxious? You date models all the time.
From the Sears catalog.
These are Victoriaâs Secret models.
There's a difference.
There's no difference.
They're human coat hangers.
- They're mannequins who can vote.
- Hey! You watch your mouth.
Models are people, too.
Don't mock them just because they're beautiful.
In fact, this is why I date models: to fight this kind of prejudice.
- You are so brave.
- The models are in the elevator.
They will be arriving in three two Here we go We can fly Till we die - So beautiful.
- So terrifying.
Hi.
Hello.
What a great group of gals.
Kiss the sky.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am security guard Marvin Trank, and I am caretaker of this year's $10 million Victoria's Secret Fantasy Bra.
Oh, my God.
I always dreamed of wearing the Fantasy Bra.
How sweet.
Whenever I get the catalogs, I cut off Adriana Lima's head and paste my own face into the picture.
Little less sweet.
I have one rule and one rule only: If anybody touches this jeweled work of art and his or her name is not Marvin Trank or Adriana Lima's bosom we're gonna have a problem.
Oh, the Fantasy Bra! Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi.
Help me.
We're gonna have a problem.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Auntie Mary's Pecan Pies old-fashioned is back in fashion.
There it is, fellas.
Everybody likes pie, except for terrorists and Canadians.
So, what's your verdict? Well, we went to a whole lot of agencies, and hearing nothing but double-talk.
Double-talk and fruity pitches.
- Yeah, fruity pitches.
- You betcha.
So we really appreciate you staying inside the box on this, you know? Mmm.
Nice and simple.
Well, that's our Sydney.
"Simple Sydney.
" If you want fancy, forget it.
She's not gonna push the envelope.
- She's not even gonna lick the envelope.
- Gordon Oh, popular fella.
You need to grab that? No, no.
It's just the old ball and chain.
- Hey, been there.
- Done that.
Yeah.
So how is the little lady? Not so little and not a lady Doing great, actually.
Making dinner.
Italian wedding soup.
Yeah, I have no idea what the hell's in it.
But I'm gonna love it, I'll tell you that right now, because it's about, uh it's about family.
Family is everything.
Indeed.
Yeah, you betcha.
So, what's your dad like, huh? He a traditional fella, like old Gordon here? Use your wings, let 'em fly.
Let your wings fly, like Maybe not that traditional, but Almost Amish.
Good.
Real good.
We've been to every agency in town, and aw, heck, I'm just gonna say it.
Their thinking is just too out there.
Way out there.
Well, if there is one thing that we are not, it's "out there.
" There they are.
Let them go, fly fly and then stop! - I'm excited.
Yeah.
- So, will Simon be joining us for lunch? Oh, not a chance.
We could probably arrange a meeting Yeah, no, he's running a shoot.
Oh.
Well, that that's too bad.
Yeah, we wouldn't feel comfortable handing over our business without having lunch with him, you know.
Why not? If he's a straight shooter like you, we're good to go.
Shoots very straight.
Okay, so, yeah Hover, people.
There we go, hover.
There we go, just hover.
- Keep going - Yeah.
- Sure.
- You betcha.
Why not? Sure.
So you want me to go to lunch, but only if I act what was that distasteful word you used, again? "Normal.
" Look, these are traditional clients, and you're a little colorful for their tastes.
Like that ridiculous tie.
I love this tie.
And my colorfulness is what brings everyone to this agency.
Not everyone, okay? Because 30% of our client base prefers things boring and safe.
If these pie people want us to change who we are, then we don't want 'em.
Yes, we do, because they're about to go national.
Listen, I've been out, loud and proud ever since I was on the Radical Faerie float in the Gay Pride Parade.
But when Timothy texted me during that pitch, well, I just played it off like he was my wife, because you do what you have to do to land the client.
I believe you referred to him as "the old ball and chain.
" Liar.
Actually, that is not a lie.
Balls and chains have been involved.
Well, I'm not gonna pretend to be someone I'm not just to satisfy the whims of some narrow-minded clients.
And that is exactly why you're not in the pitches.
I could've been at the pitch, if I didn't have the Victoria's Secret shoot which you intentionally scheduled during your pitch.
Well, it's not my fault you're distracted by shiny objects.
Wow.
Literally shiny objects.
You've been managing me this whole time.
You've been pulling my strings like some monstrous puppeteer.
Okay, you want me to cut the strings? Consider them clipped.
I'll just call off the lunch, and we can kiss the account good-bye.
Good.
That way, we can keep our dignity and ethics intact.
Uh, Simon, exactly how much bottom cleavage are we allowed to show? Uh, two fingers.
Three at the most.
Good.
Now, where was I? Dignity and ethics.
Yes.
All right, I'll dial it back a notch for the lunch.
Good.
So no crazy character voices, no fruity orders So Dandy Randy and his Banana Band won't be ordering the beet salad with the culinary foam? They will not.
Okay.
So, what did you do with the pictures of my head that you cut out from the catalog? Drew angry red X's on them, burned them and buried the ashes.
Maybe you'd be more comfortable with a wardrobe person helping you.
No.
You're a disturbed girl.
I like disturbed girls.
Excuse me.
It's Ibiza calling.
Hello, Ibiza You really are angels fallen from Heaven.
What? Hang on.
I don't know what's wrong.
I just gave them the angel bit, and they're not biting.
Well, perhaps it's because they're Victoria's Secret Angels, so they've heard it maybe once or twice before.
Of course.
Right.
Oh, God.
What were you thinking? I need to escalate to the smile.
Maybe that's it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know if I mentioned it, earlier, but I'm Zachary.
No.
Hang on.
Gosh, what's the next move, Professor? I don't know.
I've never had to go past the smile before.
- Hmm.
- Wait a minute.
'Cause, baby, you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh" Stop.
What is happening? Look, they see pretty boys like you all the time.
You're just the male version of a perfect ten.
He's doing magic.
Ooh.
Ooh, do it again.
Ooh, more magic.
More magic Um I gotta tell you, I think you guys are all aces.
Oh, my gosh, what do you think? What's happening? Models love magic.
Models love magic.
May I have everyone's attention, please? Ladies, Simon Roberts has been called away on business, so I'm going to be running the shoot now.
And I don't want you to be intimidated by me because I'm a powerful woman.
I have a secret for you guys.
You are powerful women Room temp bubbly water.
I'll be in my office.
Guys, I need you.
Right now.
I just wanted to try on the bra, and now I can't get it off.
That's not gonna be a problem.
Not exactly my first rodeo.
Here Ah, screw this! I could be out there pulling rabbits out of models' ears right now.
Settle down, boy.
It requires nimble fingers and a light touch.
I'm not your "boy," Colonel.
Ooh, I see.
This is based off the '97 Parisian model Coco Chanel originally Just get it off! Ok Ok It's like some weird, foreign, alien architecture.
It's like a magical Chinese finger trap.
Okay, what is going on here? What is happening to me? I can't pick up models, I can't pop off a bra - Who the hell am I? - Who cares?! We just have to get it off before someone finds out.
Hey, you guys, what's going on in there? - Caught.
- Hurry up.
I think the models are saying mean things about me in Portuguese.
Sydney will kill me.
She's ten feet of crazy a five-four frame.
I know what to do.
Go away! What? That was your plan? No! That's not all of it.
Please.
Fine, but I'll be back in a few minutes.
We need to get shooting.
That worked.
How did that work? I have no idea.
Oh.
We're gonna have a problem.
And you had to wear the tie? Why don't you let me handle me, Nitpick Nancy? You don't think, after 25 years, I can walk the walk and talk the talk? Relax.
There he is.
Hey, big guy.
Gentlemen, Simon Roberts.
How the hell are you, huh? Hey, what's up, there, hey? Come on, strap on your feedbags, 'cause this joint has some grade-A chow.
Hey, super hungry.
Out of sight.
Simon Roberts, you are here! Monsieur! Hello, eh? As always, my 'eart leaps! Oh! Don't be afraid, I caught it, and back at you.
Ooh! We are starving.
Catherine Deneuve la vie en rose baguette Pepe le Peu! Simon! I never know what is going to come out of your mouth, eh? I do.
Good common sense and traditional values.
- Right? - Okay.
Okay, I have to take this one.
Excuse me, will you? Butch it up, Mary.
Got it.
All right.
I talked to a fella that can get that bra off her without no questions asked.
He's a little bit dangerous, but he owes me one 'cause I taught his kids ballet.
Oh.
Ah.
There's a lot of curious information in that statement.
If anybody found out that I lost that bra, I'm gonna get demoted to that Best Buy guy who arbitrarily writes some squiggly line on them receipts.
Look, you guys, it's okay.
You can stop trying to hide it.
I know why we're not shooting.
It's-It's not entirely our fault.
Of course not, it's entirely my fault.
I haven't won the models' respect yet.
I mean, it's high school all over again with those damn cheerleaders.
But I dominated them.
And how did I do that? Joined the debate team.
Joined the debate team.
Exactly.
I beat those bitches with words.
"Beauty fades, brains stay.
" That was our motto.
We came in second in district.
Holla! Hey, I feel better.
Good talk, Sydney.
Okay, let's get shooting.
Where's the bra? We don't have it.
We're polishing it.
Really? Snitches get stitches! What do you mean, you don't have it? Where-Where is it? Go away! I think that only works once.
Just throw a shoe at it.
I'm running low on macho.
I don't know what to say.
Who's that? Timothy is in a panic.
A raccoon ran into the house, and now it's in the kitchen stalking the Italian wedding soup.
Don't let him near that pot.
Raccoons overseason everything.
Okay, listen, don't let him eat the soup.
But-But shoo him out with the broom.
I I don't know where the broom is.
Call Rosa! You should go.
I can handle this.
No, he's a crisis queen.
There's no raccoon.
No raccoon.
That's a raccoon.
A raccoon.
But, you know, it looks a lot more mischievous than cruel, don't you think? It could be rabid, though.
You should go.
Ah, it's big 'un.
No, no, I cannot leave.
You don't want to leave me alone with the clients, do you? You don't trust me.
Of course, I trust you! How can I trust you? You're a wild card! Thank you.
It's not a compliment.
Really? No.
Oh Where is this $10 million bra? It didn't just get up and saunter away.
Lauren, stop.
Come to me.
We're dead.
Best Buy, here I come.
"Raccoon nesting in Gordie's slipper.
Worried he'll never leave.
" Timothy's texting you now? Well, you deserted him.
"Raccoon using spoon with humanlike hand.
" You know what? I don't like that you two are talking behind my back.
He's my partner.
Maybe you should be a better partner to him.
Maybe you should mind your own business.
"Where is Gordie?" You see, he's crying out for your help.
You should go home and deal with this raccoon crisis.
Raccoon? Oh, they're mean.
Had a cousin once, got bit.
His eyes foamed.
See? Foaming eyes.
Monsieur, you have received a message.
"Dinner is ruined.
If I am dead when you get here, know I died defending it.
" Uh-oh, sounds like the missus is angry.
Yeah, you know what? They should save their drama for the soaps they watch.
Am I right? Amen! You're a monster.
Guys, Gordon and I have to go use the restroom.
No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
Yeah, I do.
Okay.
Okay, easy.
Boy, the little fellow's stronger than he looks, huh? Feisty, isn't he? You know I don't like when you snap at me in front of clients.
Just get in there.
What are you doing? Do you know why I'm wearing this tie? 'Cause you don't own a mirror? you bought me this tie.
Oh, yeah.
For our first pitch.
Mm-hmm.
The, uh, Progresso Italian wedding soup.
"I now pronounce you delizioso"" Oh, so that's why Timothy's been cooking Italian wedding soup.
We were gonna celebrate tonight with him.
Timothy likes to be included.
So this is why you're upset with me because I forgot our anniversary? No, I'm upset because we've changed.
You know, back in the day, if we didn't like a client, we didn't take 'em on.
Want to go back in time? - Mmhmm.
- Step into my time machine.
- Okay.
- We have no clients, right? We're eating bread sandwiches because we can't afford dirt sandwiches.
We're two idiots with nothing to lose.
But you know what we weren't? Liars! We weren't ashamed of who we were.
I'm not ashamed of who I am.
Really? Tell that to the old ball and chain.
Or, as you used to call him, your swimming coach.
Hold on a second.
Speak of the devil.
I guess he's still alive, unless the raccoon's pocket-dialing.
Get out! I want to hear what he has to say.
No, no, you've lost your chance.
Easy.
Just get the! You're hurting me.
There's more where that came from.
- I can still see you.
- Get out! And Marvin's guy swears he can get Lauren out of the bra as soon as he gets here.
This is a remarkably stupid predicament.
This is, like, Brady Bunch level stupid.
As a fan of that show, I should've known better.
Adriana's leaving.
So go sit on her! I don't get paid to sit on nobody.
Fine.
Adriana, look, you need to put that Whoa.
Is that Chanel? - That is lovely.
- Thank you.
Put that bag back down, please.
Sorry, but you kept me waiting all day long.
Wait, Adriana, you cannot get on that elevator! - We have you for another hour! - Good-bye.
Didn't you read your contract? I mean, if you even can read! What are you saying, tiny lady? Because I'm a model, I'm illiterate? I'm the head of the Model Book Club.
Model Book Club? Prove it.
Well, when I think of Kafka's The Metamorphosis, two words spring to mind: "transformative identity.
" Yes, the cockroach represents the ugliness of humanity surrounded by the beauty of free will.
Exactly.
Sydney, what do you think about the final state of the cockroach? I'll tell you this much about the cockroach.
It bugged me.
Holla! But you say you read the book.
I guess I-I missed this one.
I read all of Kafka's other works.
Name one.
Da Vinci Code? You're out of Model Book Club! Damn it! So, Gordon, where's that excible little partner of yours? Oh, he has some important business.
Holy cow, high-maintenance, that one, huh? It's like having two wives.
Must be everything you can do to keep him in line, huh? No, no, not really.
I try not to manage him, so Maybe you should start, hmm? Keep him from wearing those ugly ties.
Yeah, super ugly! What-what, he lose a bet or something? Hey, you know what? Just for the record, I love that tie.
I think it's a great tie.
And I think Simon Roberts is a great man.
Been on a call.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry! I've been a horrible partner.
I've been ignoring your needs, and I've been putting the client before you.
Well, not anymore because from this moment on, I am recommitting myself.
You and I are going to be partners forever, the way it used to be.
I want that, too, Gordie! - He's still on the line.
- Yeah, I got that.
Timothy? Okay, stop crying.
You know what? You cry.
- Let him cry.
- You be who you are, okay? You cry all you want.
He loves you, too.
Yeah, I sure will.
This is from Timothy, you big lug.
Oh From me, too.
I love you, big guy.
Love you, too.
Did I just make this weird? No, I think we were already there.
Ah.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
So, I guess we're done here, huh? No! No, no, no, no.
Your personal business is your personal business.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, you're going to hell.
Oh, you're definitely going to hell.
But so's every other agency we've been to.
Sure.
So, if we gotta pick the best of the worst Might as well be them.
So, you fruitcakes want to sell some pies? Why is the pencil wiggling? That's just an optical illusion.
Not real magic.
It's the end of the road, pal.
I've lost my touch.
I'm no one.
Oh, stop it.
By the morning, the models will all be gone and you'll be back to one-night stands, making out and popping off bras.
What did you just say? Making out and popping off br Why are you looking at me like that? Okay, I can do this, but we have to make out first.
That's how I've always gotten bras off before.
Yeah, muscle memory.
That's plausible.
Unless you're not cool with it.
Because I know that we're in a non-hooking-up phase.
Just do it! Okay.
Oh.
Remember the bra.
The models are leaving! What's taking so long? In ten The bra, the bra! It's not working! .
nine, eight Cool heads, calm hands.
Should I undo the red or the blue first? seven The red or the blue? The red.
No six five, four I'm not sure! Oh, no! Do the red! three Just do the red! two one! Pop it! Now, that's magic.
Oh, give that to me! Ta-da! Okay, we got it! Let's do this.
And if I say no? Then you won't get to wear this scarf! Oh, my gosh! Where do they come from? I love this trick! Magic! All right, ladies.
Look, I may not be as freakishly tall as you but I write the checks around here.
So purses down, bras out, and let's shoot this mother.
Your feelings change like the weather Went from clear to gray on that cloudy day How can I go on with that bomb in the palm? Love's so hard to find when someone's on your mind Listen, baby I see we came at the right time.
Everything go okay? Easy.
No problems at all.
How was lunch? Fantastic, smooth sailing.
I'm lying.
I briefly lost the $10 million bra and the models made me feel stupid.
It was the worst day of my life.
Well, your father told the clients to go to hell, and then he set the lobsters free in the restaurant.
They made it as far as the dog park, and then things got ugly.
Oh, here's an unlikely turn of events.
Hmm? Timothy wants to keep the raccoon.
Oh, that's sweet.
How big you think they make those wings? Come on.
You'd look like a big, gay hummingbird.
That is a raccoon.
That's a big 'un, yeah.
- Listen, that's okay.
- I'm sorry.
Let me go back.
That's okay.
Yeah, he's going back.
- Believe me, he's meaner.
- Okay.
I can't get out.
***
Code 12.
The models have entered the building.
- Okay.
- That's Code 12.
It's go time.
How's my hair? - Perfectly tousled.
- Why so anxious? You date models all the time.
From the Sears catalog.
These are Victoriaâs Secret models.
There's a difference.
There's no difference.
They're human coat hangers.
- They're mannequins who can vote.
- Hey! You watch your mouth.
Models are people, too.
Don't mock them just because they're beautiful.
In fact, this is why I date models: to fight this kind of prejudice.
- You are so brave.
- The models are in the elevator.
They will be arriving in three two Here we go We can fly Till we die - So beautiful.
- So terrifying.
Hi.
Hello.
What a great group of gals.
Kiss the sky.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am security guard Marvin Trank, and I am caretaker of this year's $10 million Victoria's Secret Fantasy Bra.
Oh, my God.
I always dreamed of wearing the Fantasy Bra.
How sweet.
Whenever I get the catalogs, I cut off Adriana Lima's head and paste my own face into the picture.
Little less sweet.
I have one rule and one rule only: If anybody touches this jeweled work of art and his or her name is not Marvin Trank or Adriana Lima's bosom we're gonna have a problem.
Oh, the Fantasy Bra! Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi.
Help me.
We're gonna have a problem.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Auntie Mary's Pecan Pies old-fashioned is back in fashion.
There it is, fellas.
Everybody likes pie, except for terrorists and Canadians.
So, what's your verdict? Well, we went to a whole lot of agencies, and hearing nothing but double-talk.
Double-talk and fruity pitches.
- Yeah, fruity pitches.
- You betcha.
So we really appreciate you staying inside the box on this, you know? Mmm.
Nice and simple.
Well, that's our Sydney.
"Simple Sydney.
" If you want fancy, forget it.
She's not gonna push the envelope.
- She's not even gonna lick the envelope.
- Gordon Oh, popular fella.
You need to grab that? No, no.
It's just the old ball and chain.
- Hey, been there.
- Done that.
Yeah.
So how is the little lady? Not so little and not a lady Doing great, actually.
Making dinner.
Italian wedding soup.
Yeah, I have no idea what the hell's in it.
But I'm gonna love it, I'll tell you that right now, because it's about, uh it's about family.
Family is everything.
Indeed.
Yeah, you betcha.
So, what's your dad like, huh? He a traditional fella, like old Gordon here? Use your wings, let 'em fly.
Let your wings fly, like Maybe not that traditional, but Almost Amish.
Good.
Real good.
We've been to every agency in town, and aw, heck, I'm just gonna say it.
Their thinking is just too out there.
Way out there.
Well, if there is one thing that we are not, it's "out there.
" There they are.
Let them go, fly fly and then stop! - I'm excited.
Yeah.
- So, will Simon be joining us for lunch? Oh, not a chance.
We could probably arrange a meeting Yeah, no, he's running a shoot.
Oh.
Well, that that's too bad.
Yeah, we wouldn't feel comfortable handing over our business without having lunch with him, you know.
Why not? If he's a straight shooter like you, we're good to go.
Shoots very straight.
Okay, so, yeah Hover, people.
There we go, hover.
There we go, just hover.
- Keep going - Yeah.
- Sure.
- You betcha.
Why not? Sure.
So you want me to go to lunch, but only if I act what was that distasteful word you used, again? "Normal.
" Look, these are traditional clients, and you're a little colorful for their tastes.
Like that ridiculous tie.
I love this tie.
And my colorfulness is what brings everyone to this agency.
Not everyone, okay? Because 30% of our client base prefers things boring and safe.
If these pie people want us to change who we are, then we don't want 'em.
Yes, we do, because they're about to go national.
Listen, I've been out, loud and proud ever since I was on the Radical Faerie float in the Gay Pride Parade.
But when Timothy texted me during that pitch, well, I just played it off like he was my wife, because you do what you have to do to land the client.
I believe you referred to him as "the old ball and chain.
" Liar.
Actually, that is not a lie.
Balls and chains have been involved.
Well, I'm not gonna pretend to be someone I'm not just to satisfy the whims of some narrow-minded clients.
And that is exactly why you're not in the pitches.
I could've been at the pitch, if I didn't have the Victoria's Secret shoot which you intentionally scheduled during your pitch.
Well, it's not my fault you're distracted by shiny objects.
Wow.
Literally shiny objects.
You've been managing me this whole time.
You've been pulling my strings like some monstrous puppeteer.
Okay, you want me to cut the strings? Consider them clipped.
I'll just call off the lunch, and we can kiss the account good-bye.
Good.
That way, we can keep our dignity and ethics intact.
Uh, Simon, exactly how much bottom cleavage are we allowed to show? Uh, two fingers.
Three at the most.
Good.
Now, where was I? Dignity and ethics.
Yes.
All right, I'll dial it back a notch for the lunch.
Good.
So no crazy character voices, no fruity orders So Dandy Randy and his Banana Band won't be ordering the beet salad with the culinary foam? They will not.
Okay.
So, what did you do with the pictures of my head that you cut out from the catalog? Drew angry red X's on them, burned them and buried the ashes.
Maybe you'd be more comfortable with a wardrobe person helping you.
No.
You're a disturbed girl.
I like disturbed girls.
Excuse me.
It's Ibiza calling.
Hello, Ibiza You really are angels fallen from Heaven.
What? Hang on.
I don't know what's wrong.
I just gave them the angel bit, and they're not biting.
Well, perhaps it's because they're Victoria's Secret Angels, so they've heard it maybe once or twice before.
Of course.
Right.
Oh, God.
What were you thinking? I need to escalate to the smile.
Maybe that's it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know if I mentioned it, earlier, but I'm Zachary.
No.
Hang on.
Gosh, what's the next move, Professor? I don't know.
I've never had to go past the smile before.
- Hmm.
- Wait a minute.
'Cause, baby, you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh" Stop.
What is happening? Look, they see pretty boys like you all the time.
You're just the male version of a perfect ten.
He's doing magic.
Ooh.
Ooh, do it again.
Ooh, more magic.
More magic Um I gotta tell you, I think you guys are all aces.
Oh, my gosh, what do you think? What's happening? Models love magic.
Models love magic.
May I have everyone's attention, please? Ladies, Simon Roberts has been called away on business, so I'm going to be running the shoot now.
And I don't want you to be intimidated by me because I'm a powerful woman.
I have a secret for you guys.
You are powerful women Room temp bubbly water.
I'll be in my office.
Guys, I need you.
Right now.
I just wanted to try on the bra, and now I can't get it off.
That's not gonna be a problem.
Not exactly my first rodeo.
Here Ah, screw this! I could be out there pulling rabbits out of models' ears right now.
Settle down, boy.
It requires nimble fingers and a light touch.
I'm not your "boy," Colonel.
Ooh, I see.
This is based off the '97 Parisian model Coco Chanel originally Just get it off! Ok Ok It's like some weird, foreign, alien architecture.
It's like a magical Chinese finger trap.
Okay, what is going on here? What is happening to me? I can't pick up models, I can't pop off a bra - Who the hell am I? - Who cares?! We just have to get it off before someone finds out.
Hey, you guys, what's going on in there? - Caught.
- Hurry up.
I think the models are saying mean things about me in Portuguese.
Sydney will kill me.
She's ten feet of crazy a five-four frame.
I know what to do.
Go away! What? That was your plan? No! That's not all of it.
Please.
Fine, but I'll be back in a few minutes.
We need to get shooting.
That worked.
How did that work? I have no idea.
Oh.
We're gonna have a problem.
And you had to wear the tie? Why don't you let me handle me, Nitpick Nancy? You don't think, after 25 years, I can walk the walk and talk the talk? Relax.
There he is.
Hey, big guy.
Gentlemen, Simon Roberts.
How the hell are you, huh? Hey, what's up, there, hey? Come on, strap on your feedbags, 'cause this joint has some grade-A chow.
Hey, super hungry.
Out of sight.
Simon Roberts, you are here! Monsieur! Hello, eh? As always, my 'eart leaps! Oh! Don't be afraid, I caught it, and back at you.
Ooh! We are starving.
Catherine Deneuve la vie en rose baguette Pepe le Peu! Simon! I never know what is going to come out of your mouth, eh? I do.
Good common sense and traditional values.
- Right? - Okay.
Okay, I have to take this one.
Excuse me, will you? Butch it up, Mary.
Got it.
All right.
I talked to a fella that can get that bra off her without no questions asked.
He's a little bit dangerous, but he owes me one 'cause I taught his kids ballet.
Oh.
Ah.
There's a lot of curious information in that statement.
If anybody found out that I lost that bra, I'm gonna get demoted to that Best Buy guy who arbitrarily writes some squiggly line on them receipts.
Look, you guys, it's okay.
You can stop trying to hide it.
I know why we're not shooting.
It's-It's not entirely our fault.
Of course not, it's entirely my fault.
I haven't won the models' respect yet.
I mean, it's high school all over again with those damn cheerleaders.
But I dominated them.
And how did I do that? Joined the debate team.
Joined the debate team.
Exactly.
I beat those bitches with words.
"Beauty fades, brains stay.
" That was our motto.
We came in second in district.
Holla! Hey, I feel better.
Good talk, Sydney.
Okay, let's get shooting.
Where's the bra? We don't have it.
We're polishing it.
Really? Snitches get stitches! What do you mean, you don't have it? Where-Where is it? Go away! I think that only works once.
Just throw a shoe at it.
I'm running low on macho.
I don't know what to say.
Who's that? Timothy is in a panic.
A raccoon ran into the house, and now it's in the kitchen stalking the Italian wedding soup.
Don't let him near that pot.
Raccoons overseason everything.
Okay, listen, don't let him eat the soup.
But-But shoo him out with the broom.
I I don't know where the broom is.
Call Rosa! You should go.
I can handle this.
No, he's a crisis queen.
There's no raccoon.
No raccoon.
That's a raccoon.
A raccoon.
But, you know, it looks a lot more mischievous than cruel, don't you think? It could be rabid, though.
You should go.
Ah, it's big 'un.
No, no, I cannot leave.
You don't want to leave me alone with the clients, do you? You don't trust me.
Of course, I trust you! How can I trust you? You're a wild card! Thank you.
It's not a compliment.
Really? No.
Oh Where is this $10 million bra? It didn't just get up and saunter away.
Lauren, stop.
Come to me.
We're dead.
Best Buy, here I come.
"Raccoon nesting in Gordie's slipper.
Worried he'll never leave.
" Timothy's texting you now? Well, you deserted him.
"Raccoon using spoon with humanlike hand.
" You know what? I don't like that you two are talking behind my back.
He's my partner.
Maybe you should be a better partner to him.
Maybe you should mind your own business.
"Where is Gordie?" You see, he's crying out for your help.
You should go home and deal with this raccoon crisis.
Raccoon? Oh, they're mean.
Had a cousin once, got bit.
His eyes foamed.
See? Foaming eyes.
Monsieur, you have received a message.
"Dinner is ruined.
If I am dead when you get here, know I died defending it.
" Uh-oh, sounds like the missus is angry.
Yeah, you know what? They should save their drama for the soaps they watch.
Am I right? Amen! You're a monster.
Guys, Gordon and I have to go use the restroom.
No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
Yeah, I do.
Okay.
Okay, easy.
Boy, the little fellow's stronger than he looks, huh? Feisty, isn't he? You know I don't like when you snap at me in front of clients.
Just get in there.
What are you doing? Do you know why I'm wearing this tie? 'Cause you don't own a mirror? you bought me this tie.
Oh, yeah.
For our first pitch.
Mm-hmm.
The, uh, Progresso Italian wedding soup.
"I now pronounce you delizioso"" Oh, so that's why Timothy's been cooking Italian wedding soup.
We were gonna celebrate tonight with him.
Timothy likes to be included.
So this is why you're upset with me because I forgot our anniversary? No, I'm upset because we've changed.
You know, back in the day, if we didn't like a client, we didn't take 'em on.
Want to go back in time? - Mmhmm.
- Step into my time machine.
- Okay.
- We have no clients, right? We're eating bread sandwiches because we can't afford dirt sandwiches.
We're two idiots with nothing to lose.
But you know what we weren't? Liars! We weren't ashamed of who we were.
I'm not ashamed of who I am.
Really? Tell that to the old ball and chain.
Or, as you used to call him, your swimming coach.
Hold on a second.
Speak of the devil.
I guess he's still alive, unless the raccoon's pocket-dialing.
Get out! I want to hear what he has to say.
No, no, you've lost your chance.
Easy.
Just get the! You're hurting me.
There's more where that came from.
- I can still see you.
- Get out! And Marvin's guy swears he can get Lauren out of the bra as soon as he gets here.
This is a remarkably stupid predicament.
This is, like, Brady Bunch level stupid.
As a fan of that show, I should've known better.
Adriana's leaving.
So go sit on her! I don't get paid to sit on nobody.
Fine.
Adriana, look, you need to put that Whoa.
Is that Chanel? - That is lovely.
- Thank you.
Put that bag back down, please.
Sorry, but you kept me waiting all day long.
Wait, Adriana, you cannot get on that elevator! - We have you for another hour! - Good-bye.
Didn't you read your contract? I mean, if you even can read! What are you saying, tiny lady? Because I'm a model, I'm illiterate? I'm the head of the Model Book Club.
Model Book Club? Prove it.
Well, when I think of Kafka's The Metamorphosis, two words spring to mind: "transformative identity.
" Yes, the cockroach represents the ugliness of humanity surrounded by the beauty of free will.
Exactly.
Sydney, what do you think about the final state of the cockroach? I'll tell you this much about the cockroach.
It bugged me.
Holla! But you say you read the book.
I guess I-I missed this one.
I read all of Kafka's other works.
Name one.
Da Vinci Code? You're out of Model Book Club! Damn it! So, Gordon, where's that excible little partner of yours? Oh, he has some important business.
Holy cow, high-maintenance, that one, huh? It's like having two wives.
Must be everything you can do to keep him in line, huh? No, no, not really.
I try not to manage him, so Maybe you should start, hmm? Keep him from wearing those ugly ties.
Yeah, super ugly! What-what, he lose a bet or something? Hey, you know what? Just for the record, I love that tie.
I think it's a great tie.
And I think Simon Roberts is a great man.
Been on a call.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry! I've been a horrible partner.
I've been ignoring your needs, and I've been putting the client before you.
Well, not anymore because from this moment on, I am recommitting myself.
You and I are going to be partners forever, the way it used to be.
I want that, too, Gordie! - He's still on the line.
- Yeah, I got that.
Timothy? Okay, stop crying.
You know what? You cry.
- Let him cry.
- You be who you are, okay? You cry all you want.
He loves you, too.
Yeah, I sure will.
This is from Timothy, you big lug.
Oh From me, too.
I love you, big guy.
Love you, too.
Did I just make this weird? No, I think we were already there.
Ah.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
So, I guess we're done here, huh? No! No, no, no, no.
Your personal business is your personal business.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, you're going to hell.
Oh, you're definitely going to hell.
But so's every other agency we've been to.
Sure.
So, if we gotta pick the best of the worst Might as well be them.
So, you fruitcakes want to sell some pies? Why is the pencil wiggling? That's just an optical illusion.
Not real magic.
It's the end of the road, pal.
I've lost my touch.
I'm no one.
Oh, stop it.
By the morning, the models will all be gone and you'll be back to one-night stands, making out and popping off bras.
What did you just say? Making out and popping off br Why are you looking at me like that? Okay, I can do this, but we have to make out first.
That's how I've always gotten bras off before.
Yeah, muscle memory.
That's plausible.
Unless you're not cool with it.
Because I know that we're in a non-hooking-up phase.
Just do it! Okay.
Oh.
Remember the bra.
The models are leaving! What's taking so long? In ten The bra, the bra! It's not working! .
nine, eight Cool heads, calm hands.
Should I undo the red or the blue first? seven The red or the blue? The red.
No six five, four I'm not sure! Oh, no! Do the red! three Just do the red! two one! Pop it! Now, that's magic.
Oh, give that to me! Ta-da! Okay, we got it! Let's do this.
And if I say no? Then you won't get to wear this scarf! Oh, my gosh! Where do they come from? I love this trick! Magic! All right, ladies.
Look, I may not be as freakishly tall as you but I write the checks around here.
So purses down, bras out, and let's shoot this mother.
Your feelings change like the weather Went from clear to gray on that cloudy day How can I go on with that bomb in the palm? Love's so hard to find when someone's on your mind Listen, baby I see we came at the right time.
Everything go okay? Easy.
No problems at all.
How was lunch? Fantastic, smooth sailing.
I'm lying.
I briefly lost the $10 million bra and the models made me feel stupid.
It was the worst day of my life.
Well, your father told the clients to go to hell, and then he set the lobsters free in the restaurant.
They made it as far as the dog park, and then things got ugly.
Oh, here's an unlikely turn of events.
Hmm? Timothy wants to keep the raccoon.
Oh, that's sweet.
How big you think they make those wings? Come on.
You'd look like a big, gay hummingbird.
That is a raccoon.
That's a big 'un, yeah.
- Listen, that's okay.
- I'm sorry.
Let me go back.
That's okay.
Yeah, he's going back.
- Believe me, he's meaner.
- Okay.
I can't get out.
***