The Critic s01e10 Episode Script

1 Hello? - Hello, Jay.
- This is the devil.
Despite what you think, i am not the reason Cher won an Oscar.
I am the reason Marisa tomei won an Oscar.
It stinks! Hello.
I'm Jay sherman coming to you live from the cannes film festival.
All the stars are here.
There's holly hunter talking to marlee matlin.
Keep it down, you two.
The views are gorgeous.
From this hill you can see monte Carlo.
It's not a hill.
Some punk kids buried me in the sand.
Hey, listen, you got a sandwich as long as you're up there? Tuesday, lunch with Stallone.
So I can write it off.
Yo, dad, that's ok.
I mean, you got to make a buck, you know.
That's good, son.
Mickey, cut my eye! Cut my eye! That's enough.
Yo.
This says the cannes film festival started in 1947.
Before that, this place was the unshaven armpit of the riviera.
The tourists have ruined cannes.
When I was a boy, the people were friendly.
Oh, the beach was beautiful.
Oh, monsieur Hitler, my kite won't fly.
You need a tail.
Use mein armband.
Whee! Oh, Adolf.
Ha! Oh, oh, sweetsie.
Good boy.
Ja wohl! I mean, you will, uh, be having wine with your meal? No, thanks.
My son is too young, and the last time I drank, I woke up in a petting zoo and there was one goat missing.
like their cartoon hero, winey Jacques.
Oh, yeah, winey is here and he's got to sit down.
All right.
We'll split a glass.
You are the greatest dad a boy can have.
I'd die for you, man.
That is the sweetest thing anybody ever said to me.
God, are you handsome! Where do you think i get it from, man? Eh? Dad, I'll never drink again.
And I shouldn't have had all that bouillabaisse.
Zut, alors! What has happened to our tropical fish? Au revoir, sucker.
Whoa! - Jay, this is your boss.
- How's your room? Well, I cracked the bidet.
Well, if you want to see an absolute disgrace, come up to see my room.
I ordered white tigers! Now, Jay, I make an important presentation tomorrow and I want you to introduce me.
They love you here in France.
Probably because you resemble babar, king of the elephants.
Oh, will you shut up.
For years, we broadcasters have butchered old movies.
We've colorized them, we've dubbed in lines like: "Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a ham," and "rommel, you magnificent bus stop.
" But we've never been able to make movies better.
Now, we can through the magic of phillipsvision.
There she goes, Rick, the love of your life.
Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Rick, I changed my mind.
I'm coming back to you.
And I'm here, too.
Rick has got his gal and Louie is his pal they execute the spy and .
Magnum p.
I.
Here's how it works.
Some pretentious, weirdo director mucks up a great movie with a downer ending.
I use a bunch of computers to put it back the way God intended.
Any questions? What would the stars say about the way you're exploiting their images? Why don't we ask them.
Yah, I hereby release Duke Phillips, see, to use my face and voice in any way he sees fit for his marvelous new invention, phillipsvision, see? Yah.
Yah.
Yah.
Here's my newly restored Spartacus, minus a 110 minutes of Stanley kubrick deadwood.
Spartacus, we rigged the chariot of the centurion.
Then let's rock and roll! Nobody gets away from centurion buford c.
Augustus.
Yee-ha! Whoo-hoo! I love you, Spartacus.
You simply cannot do this.
I can do anything I want.
If I want citizen Kane's last word to be "schwing," then that's what it's gonna be.
I'm a God, I tell you! A go Rosebud.
I mean, schwing.
Monsieur Phillips, you have a very rare condition previously only seen when first cousins intermarry.
Well, fancy that.
Always a first time, huh? Sir, I am going to be Frank.
You have 4 years to live.
What? I'm afraid there is nothing I can do.
Oh, really? What if I gave you a whole mess of that neon toilet paper you frenchs call money? I would say, "merci beaucoup, monsieur '4 years to live.
'" this can't be right.
Why, I've got the body of an 18-year-old You're telling me that this guy is gonna live longer than me? Yes, but he will have years of chronic back and joint pain until the day he chokes on a ham sandwich in his bathtub.
Oh! Oh! Can the sandwich be olive loaf? I suppose so.
Yes! 4 years to live.
I can't believe it.
I still can't believe it.
Good news, sir.
They've decided to name your fatal illness Duke Phillips disease.
I already have a disease named after me.
My real name is Duke scabies.
I'm a descendent of col.
Beauregard scabies.
Sorry, boys, I didn't know it was contagious.
At least we didn't serve under col.
Crabs.
Sir, wall street found out about your illness.
Blast! Just made $10 million.
Wait a minute.
This means they think I'm some kind of country bumpkin.
What's for lunch? Side of meat and turnip Greens, boiled potatoes and pinto beans, possum stew and shoofly pie, pickled pigs' feet fresh from the sty.
Yum! Yum! Well, doggie.
Dig in, city boy.
I'll show you how I'm fixin' up one flew over the cuckoo's nest.
Hey, chief, how'd you get this pillow case so freakin' white? I use Phillips brand detergent.
You'd have to be cuckoo not to use it.
I use it on my whites and my colors.
Nurse ratched? Call me Brandy.
Chief get down with nurse.
Make um bacon.
Hmm.
Your handling of the mentally ill is quite sensitive, but I think I'm going to go outside now and retch! Wait, son, I need you.
You're the only one here who's not trying to cheer me up.
My only advice would be to make the most of the time you have left.
I just know there's something you've always wanted to do, but it seemed too frivolous, too daring.
I'm sorry, Jay, I'm just not attracted to you.
I wasn't making a pass at you.
Sure you weren't.
I'm just saying there must be something you'd really like to do but never had the chance.
Well, you know, I've always wanted to tell off my boss.
Put that old buzzard in his place.
You don't have a boss.
Jay, you are now my boss.
Well, Mr.
sherman, you think you're the puppet master and I'm just dancing on your strings? Well, snip, snip.
You're nothing but a scurvy little spider spinning your webs! Take that, b'Nai b'rith award! Ha! Man, that felt great.
Quyzbuk.
That's not a word.
Get Webster on the phone.
Noah, how you doin'? It's Duke.
How much would it cost to make "quyzbuk" a word? I don't know what it means.
Uh, how about "a big problem"? Great.
How about that other word I invented? "Dukelicious.
" No one's usin' it? What a duketastrophy.
Jay, get a pen and paper.
I'm gonna dictate my will.
What am I, your secretary? Son, the only thing you have in common with my secretary are humungous breasts.
Now, take down my will.
Can do, Mr.
"p.
" To my ex-wife, I leave zilch.
Nah, she deserves more.
Custody of my diddly squat.
And in the name of my good friend Jay sherman, I will endow a department of gay studies at every university in America.
Duke, that's a very nice gesture, but I must again point out I am not gay.
All right.
A department of human oddities.
Gay it is.
Jay, come in here and meet rod mckuen.
"Front yard squirrel is stealing oranges.
"He crabs and chit-chats to himself, "then threading through the leaves and branches, he spies an orange 3 times his head size.
" Silly old squirrel.
Rod's gonna write my musical autobiography.
How are you doing this? Duke and I have been friends ever since we met at the cat lovers' convention.
Shut up, rhyme boy.
You know, I'm not just a poet, I'm an Oscar-nominated songwriter.
And what is a poem but a song without a tune? Your songs better have tunes.
They will, sir.
Catchy tunes.
Sir, yes, sir.
Oh, son, who am I kidding? I'm still gonna die.
Look, you've accomplished so much in your life.
I'm a fraud.
That boat I won the America's cup with had a motor in it.
Oh, what's the point? I don't know the answer to that.
But tell me, have you ever considered going to church? Religion, huh? It's not too late, my little lamb.
Well, like most members of America's cultural elite, I worship pan, the goat God.
But thanks for the thought.
Jay, I want to thank you.
You stood by me, and I appreciate it.
But I'm giving up.
I made an appointment with Dr.
krekorian.
The suicide doctor? Ah, Mr.
Phillips.
Oh, yeah, you'll go easy.
Oh, it's not me, it's him.
What? This adonis? Mmm.
This will take a lot of juice.
$12,000.
And I'll throw him in for free.
I give my turn to Bronson pinchot.
Stop! You don't have to do this.
All that's left for me now is to die with dignity and grace.
On our headphones, you can listen to Stan freeberg.
The perfect end to the perfect life.
Listen, spending all this time with you has made me realize there's a decent guy in there, a guy worth saving.
Thank you, Jay.
After I die, you can eat my brain, and it will give you power.
Wait! Don't give up yet.
What if we find a cure for your disease, like in that film lorenzo's oil? Isn't that the picture you called a mixture of fantasy and crap.
Yes.
I dubbed it "fantacrap.
" Duke, just give me one month.
Ok.
You got a month.
Hmm.
Huh! He's still alive.
I've never lost a patient before.
You could still run him down in the parking lot.
To the deathmobile! Well, I'm off to find your cure.
Just what makes you so sure you can help me? Because I've had every disease there is, except delusions of grandeur.
And that is why God has chosen me alone to do his work on earth! All right.
But I'm not expecting much.
The doctors have already injected me with horsefly embryos.
And all I got to show for it is kaleidoscope vision.
So, right now you're seeing 24 little mes? That's over 4,000 pounds of solid sherman.
A single plant in the rain forests of Brazil just might be the cure.
There it is, the single plant that will save Duke's life.
I'm a film critic and I'd like to buy a few hundred test animals.
You're going to eat them, aren't you? No.
I'm going to use them for medical experimentation, and then I'm going to eat them.
We'd like to help you, but we're in a real quyzbuk.
All of our animals are committed to testing cosmetics.
Well, hello, you rascally rabbit.
Dad, you got to start dating.
We could freeze your boss until a cure is found, like we did with this gentleman.
Uh, excuse me, doctor.
Those kids are skiing down Orson welles again.
Oh! I'll be right there.
I've been working day and night trying to find a cure.
Nothing.
Your father is conducting an experiment of his own.
Maybe you two can work together.
What is the point of this experiment? I've invented the first fish-mo-baby-whirl-amagig.
It will be bigger than the badgo-blaster.
Poor little guy.
Working his butt off for me.
Our next film is Jurassic park ii The revenge of the raptors, a non-stop thrill ride.
You can't hold a raptor in a closet, they're too smart.
You may have us, but you'll never get off the island.
I beg to differ.
For, you see, the other raptors and I have constructed a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela.
Once there, I shall lie low and assume odd jobs under the name Mr.
pilkington.
But perhaps I've said too much.
Look! The ratings are going up! Now they're going down.
Way down.
I haven't seen ratings this low since they cancelled Herman's prostate.
All right.
Trial 485.
I've mixed 237 phenol hydrochloride, stronchium benzoate and snapple.
Uh, it's hopeless.
I did it! Oh, I'm a doc! A happy, sneezy doc! Whoo.
I'm a sleepy, happy, sneezy doc.
If I don't get to bed, I'll be a grumpy, dopey, sleepy, happy, sneezy doc.
Bashful.
Normal, normal, normal.
I can't believe it, but thanks to this serum, you're cured.
Mr.
Phillips, you are going to live to be 100, just like your father, here.
I'm not 100.
Settle down there, dad.
Wow! Duke spared no expense on the entertainment.
Well, on behalf of the other presidents, I'd like to dedicate this song to the man we call "the boss.
" Take it away, Jimmy.
well, well he's swell swell, swell not in hell hell, hell I'm glad Duke has his health so I can tax his awesome wealth attention, boys and girls, this is Jay's oil.
One week ago, I was looking at a death sentence, now all I have to do is inject 8 little ounces of this into my eyeball every 4 hours.
Jay, stand up, son.
You gave me my life back, and now I'm gonna give you something.
What? Anything you want.
I'll be your genie.
Now, make a wish.
Anything? Oh, my God! I don't want to sleep with you! No, that's ok.
A deal's a deal.
You go hog-wild.
Listen.
I want you to destroy your phillipsvision machine.
I want you to leave those films the way they are.
But, Jay, come on, man.
I don't want rhett coming back to Scarlett.
I don't want the guy from my left foot to become a punter for the bears.
I want Debra winger, Ali McGraw, and Bambi's mother to die.
All right, Jay, you got it.
Because you didn't just save me, you saved everyone with Duke Phillips disease.
I'm Jim Bob huggins and I was cured by Jay's oil.
I'm Lars schoenberg and I just clubbed my 1,000th baby seal thanks to Jay's oil.
Hi, I'm a drunken tanker captain.
I wouldn't be able to spill my oil without Jay's oil.
Your streets will run red with blood thanks to Jay's oil.
Sherman uber alles! We love you, Jay.
We love you, man.
Yeah.
Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Uh, excuse me, sir, the show's over.
Is the snack bar still open? Shh!