The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e10 Episode Script

- Anybody see Kate?
- Nah.
Man, I guess she'd rather
be with some guy
she fell in love with than us.
Yeah, looks like we are gonna
have to wait out the two weeks
of euphoria
and sexual exploration.
- Two weeks?
- Yeah.
That's why I never fall in love.
'Cause then it would be
just the two of you guys
sitting by yourselves at
the bar, cryin' in your beer
wishin' you were..
I'd kill the both of you
right now for a woman.
Aww.
Now it's not that easy, Drew.
You'd have to kill
all the men on earth.
You know, what's weird?
With, uh, with Kate gone
women have stopped coming by
the table to chat.
Let's face it.
We need Kate.
Everything I know about women,
I learned from Kate.
Yeah, I mean, like who knew
that a tight dress
and spiked heels
made a women look cheap?
- Not me.
- Unh-unh.
You know,
she's a really good listener.
You could talk about personal
stuff and really open up to her.
Drew, you can talk to us
about anything. We'll listen.
Well, I walked by my parents'
old room the other day
and I was thinkin' now
I really miss my mom nearby.
Oh.
Could that be because
you're a girl?
[laughs]
A girl.
Boo hoo hoo, mommy, I miss you.
See, if Kate were here,
we wouldn't have done that.
No.
Excuse me. Are you using
your ketchup?
- No. Sure.
- Thanks.
Wow, hats off to you, pal.
Eating red meat after midnight?
Makes me proud
to be an American.
Yeah, well, if I don't have,
like, 4000 calories a day
I'd drop weight like that.
If I don't hit 4000 calories
by breakfast
I'd have to have a Snickers bar
on the way to the car.
- It's just a joke, man.
- You're Drew Carey.
Maybe he is
and maybe he isn't.
You don't have to
answer that, Drew.
You know, you know, the smaller
glasses almost threw me
but other than that, you haven't
changed since junior high.
Well, the glasses
are the same size
my head just got bigger.
That's because
you grew your hair out.
Drew, you hippie.
It's me, Jay Clemens.
- Jay? How you doing?
- Oh, my God.
Boy, you were such
a good-lookin' kid.
What happened?
Yeah, same old story.
Booze, women, grease fire.
It's a nightmare.
Great.
You remember Oswald and Lewis?
This is so wild.
You, you put desks
in front of you
and books in front
of those beers
we're back in detention.
- Pull up a chair.
- Yeah, come on.
So, Jay, what brings you back to
our little corner of paradise?
Uh, I just got a divorce
after three glorious years
of marriage.
- I'm sorry.
- Hey, it's okay.
They were spread out
over 15 years of hell.
Hey, didn't you marry
Lisa Janusz?
Ah, the prom king and queen
getting married.
You never see somethin'
like that comin', do you?
You know, if a few more people
had voted for Mary Deutsch
I might not be
sitting here today.
I'd be with Mary Deutsch and
her lesbian lover in Portland.
Hey, she's got
the same haircut as you.
So you still workin'
at your dad's bowling alley?
Nah, I have
a small moving company.
AAA Action Moving.
Used to be a lot bigger, but uh
my wife got half the trucks
in the divorce.
See, now I have to compete
with AAAA Action Moving.
So you're gonna start
datin' again, huh?
Well, I hate to be the one
to break this to you but, uh
success and good looks
went out in the '80s.
Yeah, this is our time now.
Hi, would you like to dance?
Hi, maybe later.
I'm just, uh, catching up
with some old buddies of mine
who I haven't seen
since junior high.
Oh. Sorry, I didn't notice.
[sighs]
Boy, don't you hate it
how when you're just tryin'
to hang out with the guys
women just never give you
a moment of peace?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
[theme song]
Moon over Parma
bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
Five, six.
Not another kid.
That's eight.
The guy never leaves his car.
How the hell does he do it?
When you went
to the bathroom, Drew
I saw him go in the drive-in.
You know the rules, another
kid, another sugar stick.
Well.
[sighs]
(all)
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
- Woohoo.
- Wooh.
Oh, these were so much fun
when we were kids.
Hi, everybody. I'm back
and I'm better than ever.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Kate.
Beer's in the fridge.
Alright. Payday.
Obviously these slobs
are never gonna introduce me.
I'm Jay.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Kate.
It's Jay Clemens.
You know, from junior high.
No way, Jay Clemens.
I gave you concussion
playing dodge ball.
Yeah, I remember.
Well, I, I kinda remember.
No, seriously, Kate O'Brien
captain of the girls'
basketball team.
- Sexy legs O'Brien?
- Mmm, nope.
President of the Spanish club.
Hola.
Boys, it's not coming to me.
Kate O'Brien,
I killed the principal
put his head on a stick
and ran down the hall screaming
you'll never forget me
for this, Kate O'Brien.
I thought that was Sally Thomas.
You guys are playing Life.
How come you didn't call me?
You always call me.
Well, you know, Jay said
he'd be glad to fill in
and we figured
you were out with Ken.
- Oh, yeah, Ken and I broke up.
- Aww.
He had to leave town
'cause of his job.
That's the last thing you'd
expect from a carnival worker.
I'm-I'm sorry, Kate.
Oh, man.
He was gonna let me pet
Dog Boy for my birthday.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I guess.
I'm gonna miss him.
Ken was special. He wasn't like
other carnival workers.
He was a, he was a dreamer.
He had wanderlust.
Is she talking
about Walt Wittman
or the guy who runs
the scrambler?
Excuse me.
Uh, take a tip
from somebody who knows.
It's best not to dwell
on these things.
Oh, ho. Pardon me, new guy.
Um, but I'm hardly dwelling.
We broke up ten minutes ago.
All I'm saying is
that your relationship
obviously wasn't meant to be.
So maybe you should just
put it behind you.
You barely know me, you..
You know, I'm fine.
Forget it.
I'll just watch you guys play.
Win Nobel Prize?
How the hell does a travel agent
win the Nobel Prize?
Uh, hey,
you're using the blue car.
That's usually my car.
Do you wanna play?
We're all out of cars.
But you can use one
of Drew's emergency Milk Duds.
Oh, no, no. That's okay.
I-I'll just watch.
Uh, now that I've been watching,
I've noticed something too.
You're sitting in my chair.
I'm sorry.
Did you wanna sit here?
No, no, you're fine.
You know, it's nice to get
a different point of view.
[clears throat]
What, what are you wearing?
Are those, are those
my puppy slippers?
These are yours?
Wow, I thought I had big feet.
You know, I leave those here
for the times
my feet get cold and wet.
I'm sorry, Kate.
It was my fault.
He accidentally stepped
in that puddle
you always accidentally step in.
My puddle?
[clears throat]
Excuse me.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
You don't have a special toilet
you call your own, do you?
Oh, good-looking and funny.
You don't often see that.
- Want a beer, Kate?
- No, thanks. I'm not thirsty.
Just thought you might
wanna mark you're territory.
I wasn't doing anything, Chuck.
Will you drop it?
Listen, you're acting
very suspicious in here
and I th..
Gu-huh!
Wow, those black and white
security cameras
don't do you justice.
What's going on here?
I caught her
going through your things, Drew.
I thought I heard a woman
screaming for help
from one of your drawers.
Uh, thanks, Chuck. I think
I can handle things from here.
Give me a couple of minutes
and those cameras can look
the other way
if you know what I mean.
Goin' through my drawers, huh?
Now you'd assume that I'd go
to the upper left-hand drawer
as I am left-handed
but you'd know that I remember
the rat trap incident
and overcompensate
by going to lower right.
That's why..
Ah-ha.
A dead fish.
Uh, you disappoint me, Mimi.
You can't prove it's mine.
You're the only one
that swallows 'em whole.
You know, Mimi,
this is just a cry for help.
Your problem is
you can't express
your true feelings for me.
I could if I had a bone saw
and some salt.
How about a bow and arrow?
You know, like cupid. Muah.
Ugh.
[Mimi laughs]
Now, now it's gonna take more
than to ruin my birthday week.
[phone rings]
[no audio]
- Hey.
- Happy birthday to me.
- Happy.. Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Uh, I'll be ready in a minute.
I was thinking
maybe we'd go to dinner.
Then to go see the movie.
- Ooh.
- So where's Jay?
Uh, one of his movers
called in sick
and he had to fill in.
I don't know if he can make it.
Oh, man.
I, I hope this isn't my fault.
He may think I don't like him.
- Hey, ladies.
- Uck! Him.
Jay, man. How you doin'?
Yeah, the old hernia
started flaring up, so..
- Hey, look at this thing.
- No, no.
I'm kidding.
The movie's rescheduled.
We don't get to see your hernia?
That's a shame.
My uncle had a hernia.
It was huge.
We used to ride it.
Boys, there's nothing
that I love
more than a great hernia story
before dinner.
- Where do you wanna go?
- Why don't we go for Chinese?
Actually I just found
the greatest Italian place.
- It's right around the corner.
- Italian, man. I'm up for that.
Actually, Chinese makes
a better pre-movie dinner.
As anyone knows,
it's not as heavy.
Since when does that matter?
We're not gonna swim
to the movie, right?
Well, for your information,
I always pick the restaurants.
So tonight, you're not.
Come on, who wants Italian?
Oh, come on,
let's just compromise
and go to the food court.
Look, one more corndog.
I get a free corndog.
No. No, no, no.
He doesn't run this group now.
I've put in 25 years with you
guys. I rode that hernia.
It's my little reward
to pick the restaurants.
Okay, let's just take a vote.
Who wants Italian?
- Who wants Chinese?
- Fine.
We know that you
and Oswald want Italian.
Lewis?
Well..
I guess I'll take Chinese.
Drew?
Look, the important thing is
that we're all gonna
eat together, right?
'Doesn't matter
where we have dinner.'
Let's just flip a coin.
Heads Chinese, tails Italian.
Ah, I gotta flip
this thing again.
I had Chinese for lunch.
What the hell's wrong
with this thing?
What kind of excuse is that?
You had Chinese for lunch.
Do you think they say
that in China?
Oh, we just had Chinese.
Come on, Lewis. We're going.
Actually, Kate,
uh, I prefer Italian.
I was justscared.
Okay, it's not worth the fight.
I'm sorry.
Let's just go to Antonio's.
Actually,
I was thinking Mario's.
Oh, what a jerk!
I can't take it!
Oh, man.
Ah, don't worry, Drew.
She'll get over it.
No, my corndog card
just expired.
It had 49 punches in it.
Hey, birthday boy.
Hey, help me out here.
What do you want
for your birthday?
I'd like one week
where I get the looks
and you're the big jelly guy
with the overflowing
personality.
Hey, how about a membership
at a gym?
Hey, that'd go good with the
giant Speedos I'm buyin' you.
I got a beer for Kate
just in case she shows up.
You might as well drink it now.
She's never comin'
anywhere near us again.
I can't even get her
at her house.
Can you believe
she called me and said
she wasn't comin'
to my birthday party?
Boy, I feel
a little bit responsible.
I mean, it's just like
we naturally
push each other's buttons.
(Drew)
'Everybody's like that
little bit with Kate.'
'You just gotta understand her.'
Sometimes she likes to fake
with her right
before she makes her point
with her left.
- You mean, figuratively.
- Yeah, figuratively.
- Hey.
- Hey, Kate. Hi.
- Hey, Kate, how are you doing?
- What's up?
Hi.
I-I'm Kate from the store.
You work in the warehouse,
don't you?
No, we're in Lingerie.
Mind if I sit down?
You sure you work at the store?
Yeah, you know,
Kate O'Brien, cosmetics?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Why doesn't anyone remember me?
Oh, yeah. You're the whiner.
Hey, ladies. Kate.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
No, I'm here with my friends.
This is, uh..
And you know, um..
The-the, uh, the, uh, girls.
Come on.
It's really important.
[sighs]
You know, uh,
I've been trying to call ya.
I even went to your house.
I, I know you and Jay
aren't gettin' along
but it's my calls
you're not returning.
Uh, I really miss you
and I would love it if you would
come to my birthday party.
- You havin' a birthday party?
- Yeah.
Hey, we'd love to party.
Yeah, bet you do.
We love birthdays.
Yeah, listen, if you'd like
to come, I'd love to invite ya
even though my house
is real small
and you know,
we're eating real light.
I'm not going
if Jay's gonna be there.
Come on, he's a nice guy.
Fine. I-I'm sure he is
and I'm glad you like him.
It's just that I feel
uncomfortable around him
and I don't wanna
ruin your party.
Well, you won't ruin my party.
Oh, yes, I will.
Well, there goes another gift.
Hey, uh, do you guys mind?
I need to talk to Jay
alone for a second.
Oh, okay.
What's up, buddy?
Listen, Jay.
I have kind of a problem.
Let me guess.
Kate doesn't want me
at the party.
Wow.
Okay, I'm thinkin' of a color.
Look, I know
what's goin' on here.
It's cool. I-I won't go.
Thanks. Kate's just in
a weird place right now.
The carnival guy,
she thought he was Mr. Right
ever since
he guessed her weight.
Whatever, man.
Have a good time.
You know, it is my birthday.
You could try to fight it
a little bit.
Okay.
Can I please come to your party?
Oh, don't embarrass yourself,
man.
Have fun.
Boy, I can't believe I have
to pick between two friends.
Hey, he was the one
who broke your lava lamp
and blamed it on the wind.
He took your beer
and said they forgot
to put it in the grocery bag.
No, I did not.
I did not.
You were the one
always breaking the beer--
I'm not talkin' about you guys.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Hi, there.
You guys gonna be
at, uh, Drew's party?
Um, I'm in a relationship.
'Cause if you're there,
we're there.
We wanna party with you.
You bring me some
of that party, girl.
I'm in a relationship.
I made a dirty cake.
What's that supposed to be?
- Isn't that a--
- No.
Isn't that where that goes?
No.
Well, then it's a man
with a pointy hat.
Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday dear Drew ♪
Happy birthday to you ♪♪
[all cheering]
[mumbling]
[all cheering]
Happy birthday, Drew.
I'm glad I'm here
to share it with you.
Is this me with the pointy hat?
Uh-huh.
And now, part of the evening
you've all been waiting for.
Drum roll, please.
Drew Carey, this is your life.
Oh, I hope I can go
to the prom this time.
Okay, Drew Carey.
Do you remember this voice?
What voice?
This voice.
- It's you.
- Okay.
How about this voice?
(Oswald imitating Uncle Bob)
'Drew, if you tell anyone
about this ever'
'I'll kill you.'
Uncle Bob.
Get out here, Oswald.
Okay, you got that one
but you're not
gonna get this one.
(male #1)
'I've played
in three World Series.'
'I've got over 3000 hits
and 450 home runs'
'7 Gold Gloves,
12 All-Star Games'
'and been drafted
in three professional sports.'
That's pretty good. You sound
just like Dave Winfield.
[all cheering]
Oh, my God!
- Dave Winfield.
- You must be Drew Carey.
- Wow.
- 'Alright.'
- Wow.
- Wait, wait.
I thought you two
knew each other.
What are you talking about?
Well, you know what he eats.
You know his favorite color.
You know what he looks for
in a woman.
I thought you guys went
to school together or something.
No, I'm just a big fan.
Then why are you here?
You said, there was a 12 foot
sub-sandwich here.
Oh..
Hey, you wanna go up to my room
and see my sports trophies?
Would I? Let's go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
There's one more voice.
(Jay)
'Drew, I was sitting home alone
thinking this is stupid.'
'My friend's having a birthday
and what's the harm'
'if I came over, gave him
his present and left.'
'And cake, put the cake knife
down. I'll only be a minute.'
Nice try, Jay, but you had
to deliver the present tonight?
- It's perishable.
- What is it?
- A Fudgsicle.
- Fudgsicle.
I like anything on a stick.
Okay, okay. Now go home.
Oh, come on, Kate.
Be a sport.
Let him stay
till the beer runs out.
(female #1)
'Hey, Drew.'
Can I uh, drink directly
from the tap?
On second thought, let him
stay till the cake runs out.
Got anymore cake?
Come on.
Just let him stay for an hour.
Fine. We could use a pinata.
Hey, I'm not the one
who's full of crap.
Okay, that's it.
Girlfriends,
do you see this guy?
He said you may look strong
but you couldn't lift
diddly over your heads.
Come here, diddly.
Alright, that's it.
You two are acting
like a couple of third graders.
There is no reason
you couldn't get along.
I want you to get your butts
in that kitchen
and don't come out
till you work these things out.
Remember, no gouging,
no hittin' below the belt
no hair pulling and,
Jay, hope you're wearin' a cup.
Well, now look what you did.
Not only only did you
ruin the party
but you made a spectacle
of both of us.
Look, we got off
on the wrong foot here.
Just because I used your
stupid car in that stupid game
doesn't mean
I'm trying to replace you.
Ooh, replace me.
Ooh, my deepest fear.
You really see into my soul.
You know what,
you are the bossiest
most self-centered woman
I haven't divorced yet.
Oh, I'm self-centered?
You're talking about
how good-looking you are
how charming you are,
how much I'm attracted to you.
You, you, you.
I never said
you were attracted to me.
Uh..
But don't pretend like
you don't think I'm not.
[sighs]
It's alittle
too quiet in there.
She must have gone
for the voice box first.
Hi.
I just got engaged.
You wanna dance?
- Well, uh, you know, I--
- Did my voice go up?
'Cause that wasn't a question.
Uh, hold that thought
or don't hold onto that.
On second thought, hold that
and let me go check on
something that's goin' on here.
Kate?
- Oh-ho.
- Jay?
Uh, that bastard hit me
in the mouth
with his, with his face.
- Twice.
- Yeah.
So, uh, I take it you two have
decided to become friends?
No, I think
they'd been kissing.
(Drew)
'So let me get this straight.'
One minute,
you're mortal enemies
and then the next minute,
you're just makin' out?
Excuse me, I gotta go pick
a fight with the big blonde.
Uh, you know, Jay,
now that you're dating Kate
little bit of advice,
uh, she likes to win.
Yeah, I found that out
after our first date.
She said you wanna
race to the car
and then she tripped me.
Can I help it
if I have big feet?
And if you ever criticize her
she'll remind you of it again
and again and again..
So is there anything else
I should know
about my little Kate?
Well, when she says stop
tickling, stop tickling
'cause she'll pee her pants.
Once and I was only 24.
Oh, and if you ever take her
to an all-you-can-eat place
don't 'cause she doesn't eat
for like two days before--
Alright, alright, alright.
That'll do.
Oh, yeah. I got one. Wait.
Sometimes it gets so cold,
her nose starts to run
she can't feel it--
Okay, that's it.
Not one more word.
- Come on, we have pictures.
- Alright.
(Kate)
No!
[instrumental music]