The Great North (2021) s01e10 Episode Script
Game of Snownes Adventure
1
- Look up there
- What do you see?
Nature and stuff
- Like a rock
- And a tree
Oh, the Great North
Way up here, you can
breathe the air
Catch some fish
Or gaze at a bear
Wow
Oh, the Great North
Here we live, oh, oh
Here we'll stay, oh, whoo
From longest night
to longest day
In the Great North.
Well, Wolf and Honeybee should be heading over soon for Tobin family game night.
Whoa.
Judy, Ham, Moon, you have got to get over here and see this crazy snowflake.
It's got stellar dendrites.
- Dendrites for days.
- Am I crazy or does that other one have hollow columns? Ugh, I wish Wolf was here already.
He loves dendrites.
Where are they? Maybe I ought to give him a call.
Hello.
Hey, Wolf.
It's your dad Beef.
You and Honeybee were supposed to be here for game night in ten minutes and you're not early, so I'm just checking to make sure you're okay.
Everything's fine.
We're just getting ourselves together.
I'm making Wolf's Wolfies, and pretty soon, we'll all be making memories.
Great.
I'll Wait, was that a sneeze? A-Are you sick? - Are Should we reschedule? - Absolutely not.
I'll just take some cold medicine.
Dad, you haven't had any medicine since you took half a Tylenol after you shattered your pelvis.
Y-You must be feeling pretty bad.
The only thing that would make me feel bad is if we weren't all together tonight.
- Got to go, Dad.
- Huh.
- Uh-oh.
What's going on, Dad? - Wolf usually says "I love you" when we hang up.
And then he sings it and then he whispers it.
This time, he just said, "Got to go, Dad.
" Well, maybe he got to go.
Yeah, maybe.
It just feels like Wolf and Honeybee haven't been around as much lately.
Last week, they only came to four out of seven breakfasts, and Wolf missed wood-piling day because they had to, quote, "get their marriage license.
" They didn't even come over to watch that other unrelated Tobin family on Family Feud.
Their performance was survey says disgraceful.
I mean, I don't want to just throw around the D-word, but Dracula disorder? Drifting, as in we're all drifting apart.
This was my worry when they moved out to the guesthouse, that we'd see them less and less.
And then from there, who knows what would happen? Oh, my God.
Is it me driving them away? I'm always pestering Honeybee with annoying questions like: "How much do you think your arms weigh? "Like, if you took them off your body and weighed them separately?" It could be my fault.
The other day, when Wolf and I went to the movies, I got a small popcorn to share, and he said, "I wish you'd gotten a medium.
" Well, I know it's not me.
I'm amazing.
You're gonna love game night.
Everyone's got their game night personality.
Moon always claims he's not gonna cheat, then he cheats like crazy, Judy eats so many snacks she almost barfs, oh, a-and Ham roots for everyone, especially the people he's playing against, and Dad just keeps saying, "Isn't this fun?" - And what about you? - Oh, I'm kind of like a cool guy high roller, but mostly I just get very drunk.
Uh, speaking of cool guys, is your brother Jerrybee coming? He said he'll try.
He's getting headshots done in his Bigfoot costume for his website.
He's really blowing up on the Lone Moose birthday party circuit.
Oh, can you see if he'll sign one for me? I want it to say "Never stop dreaming.
" All right, let me just transfer the Wolf's Wolfies into my chug jug.
And let me just grab my famous Fresno 14-layer dip.
I leave out the 13th layer because everyone knows it's haunted.
Well, that ought to do it.
Great.
I got to get going to my sister's game night.
Hey, you guys.
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm just going around telling everyone that the snow outside is really bad.
If you want to leave, you should have done that 20 minutes ago.
No one's going anywhere now.
Sorry I didn't get to warn you sooner.
I have a short gait.
Oh, you're perfect the way you are, Security Pam.
So we're stuck in the mall? I guess I can't make it to game night.
Oh, well.
Maybe I'll just go down and smell the food court.
Actually, Jerry, as long as we're stuck here, there's a little project that I have that I've been dying to work on.
And if you wanted to be involved, - I could pay you a small modeling fee.
- I booked a gig! Jerry, I'm going to show you something very horrific, but very intimate.
I did some photographs when I was younger.
Photos I'm not proud of.
My 2003 bang photos.
I don't know if I should see those, Alyson.
- Look, Jerry.
- Oh, but that's just a photo of you getting a Christmas gift.
And here you are at a café in Italy! But look at my hair, Jerry.
- Yeah, the front part's cut off.
- Those are bangs, Jerry.
Horrible bangs that have haunted me for years.
I want to erase my memories of being in the bang gang.
Alyson, you need to work on how you using that word.
No.
I want to recreate these photos with my current, very amazing hair.
See this other person in all these pictures? That was my roommate Anthony, and he moved away.
- So I need you to be my Anthony.
- Hey, I'll try it.
I'm an Anthony, not a Can't-hony.
- Ah, shoot.
It's expired.
- Nonsense.
That's just a trick to get you to buy more medicine.
Oh, maybe I should take two doses.
I refuse to be a Sickly Stuart.
You know what the best part of tonight's game night will be? Watching all of your fellow family members do their best? Dipping a cookie into the cheese log just to see how it feels? Mmm! Oh, it's wonderful! It's like I'm kissing a prince whose mouth is full of cheese.
No, the best part of game night will be me giving up my old, cheating ways.
Uh, I was just keeping the pieces warm.
Diondra Tundra here with a weather update.
While we were predicting just a light squall, looks like it's actually going to be squall to squall snow, for what some people are squalling "the storm of the century.
" Uh-oh.
Wolf.
Wow, it's a lot snowier than they predicted! All I see is white.
It's like when I met your family! Uh, we should probably turn around and go home.
Uh, I can't see our house.
Wait, wait, I can't see it, either.
Holy freakin' lizard! We're stuck in a blizzard! Okay, so don't freak out, but we are a little lost.
Well, we know the main house is 300 steps from our house, and we've already gone 142 steps.
How do you know how many steps we've taken? Why spend money on a Fitbit when I can count all my own steps? Oh, you're so sensible, my steppie pie.
But we shouldn't step anywhere now.
It's only 158 steps.
I'll give you a piggyback ride.
You know how much I love PBRs, but we're already disoriented.
We should just sit tight, snuggle up and wait for conditions to clear or-or Dad to find us.
Uh-uh.
I've seen the movie Everest.
You stop, you get cold but you think you're hot, so you take off all your clothes.
And then you die.
All the other hikers just hike all over your nude, dead body with your boobs just flapping in the wind until they freeze mid-flap.
And then you're just a couple of boobsicles staring at God.
Perfect movie.
And I hear what you're saying, but I'm sure my dad will come looking for us.
Trust me, my dad has a sixth sense about where I am.
When we played hide-and-seek, he found me behind the couch every time.
So let's just sit down and hug for warmth.
Mmm.
This isn't bad.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? We are not fooling around out here.
Didn't you hear my Everest story? The frozen boobs? Uh, what I meant was, let's have a sip of Wolf's Wolfies to stay warm.
Just a tiny little sip.
Got to keep our wits about us.
- Mmm.
That's warming.
- Yeah.
See, what I do is I melt a gallon of ice cream, add a flat Coke, add two cups of sugar, three bags of melted chocolate chips, and then a pinch and I mean just a pinch of honey.
Otherwise it gets too sweet.
Oh, and of course the whiskey and the rum.
- Let's have a tiny bit more.
- Uh, just a hair more.
One more sip.
Ooh.
Are you sure your dad's gonna come find us? Are you kidding? Dad's favorite thing is search and rescue.
I know he'll never say it, but I think he was kind of disappointed that none of us ever fell in a well.
Ah, they're lost in that snow.
- I need to go look for 'em.
- I don't know, Dad.
It's really coming down.
Judy, no one knows this land like me.
I was born in the bushes out there.
My mom didn't make it to the hospital.
By a lot.
Dad, since you're sick, should we all go out there with you? - Safety in numbers? - Or one big sacrifice.
- No, I'll be fine.
Whoa.
- What, Dad? Nothing.
I just thought I saw something.
- Never mind.
- Hello, Beef.
It's me from before.
The dendrite snowflake.
- Call me Denny.
- Nope.
Snowflakes don't talk.
- Did you just say something, Dad? - Uh No.
No.
Beef, let's go.
I'm late.
Sit tight.
I'll be back soon.
I do not feel good - about letting him go out there.
- But he's Dad.
And nothing bad ever happens to dads, right? Henry's dad chopped off his own finger when he was putting cream cheese on a bagel, but he's probably the exception.
Hey, Beef, wait up.
Where are we heading, Beef? Should we go grab a bite? Look, I know I'm probably hallucinating you, but have you seen my son and his fiancée out here? Hallucinating me? Well, maybe I'm hallucinating you, Beef.
Look, let's not worry about who's hallucinating who.
Let's just enjoy being lost in the snow.
I'm not lost.
I've lived here my whole life.
I've named every tree out here.
Like this tree.
This is Chris Pine.
Oh, I loved him in Hell or High Water.
He's so handsome.
I'd love to whiten his branches.
The tree was here first, way before that guy got famous.
- And who's this? - Who's who? This hill we're falling down.
Whee! Hon, I think I have to ride the yellow rainbow, if you know what I mean.
I-I'm just gonna step right over there to pee.
I'll be right back.
I don't think you should step anywhere.
- We got to stay together.
- Wait, you know I can't pee if I know someone's watching.
That's why I can't use public bathrooms.
Or private ones if there's a picture of a person hanging in them.
Or an expressive bird.
Let's just hold hands, and you take a tiny step away and pee, and that way we won't get separated from each other.
Okay.
Here I go.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Just screamed because the wind hit my penis, and my penis did not like it.
- Okay.
Did you go? - No, I can't.
I think it's because you're holding my hand so I know you're there.
Uh, I'm just gonna drop it for one second.
- Wolf, no! - Don't worry, I won't move an inch.
Oh, turduck-it! Damn it, the Wolfies! Wolf? Are you there? Can you hear me? Yeah, just rescuing the Wolfies.
Oh, got them.
- Okay.
Now walk toward my voice.
- Yep, hold on.
I just need to put my penis back in my pants.
Wait.
You sound farther away.
Oh, no, my zipper is frozen open.
Wait, there it goes.
Uh, Honeybee? Honeybee? Oh, no, I lost her.
- Damn it.
I forgot to pee.
- Wolf? Wolf? Get up, Beef.
This is no time for a layabout.
- Where are we? - We walked around for a while after we fell down the hill, Beef.
You don't remember? We were walking.
We were singing.
You told me you felt an existential dread when you pictured all of your children leaving home.
And then you laid face down in the snow.
- And now we're here.
- Oh, man.
This is bad.
I was really looking forward to having the whole family together tonight, and now half of us are lost in the snow.
Ha! You think you have it bad? - I'm all alone out here.
- Come on.
- There's snowflakes all over.
- I don't know them.
You think all snowflakes know each other? - Ha.
Typical flesh man.
- I'm sorry.
Yeah, you should be sorry.
You're lucky we're best friends.
Wolf! Wolf! Okay.
Gonna start getting dark soon, and Wolf just said to stay where you are, but no offense to Wolf, that seems dumb! Okay.
I think the tool shed is the closest building.
If I point my body toward where I think it is, I can make it there.
I am a self-sufficient woman who is not going to die in the snow.
I know this because I believe in myself and because a mall psychic told me it was gonna be a zip-lining accident.
With the pizza on the table, this really feels like Italy.
Thank you for holding the poster, Santiago.
Thank you for trusting me.
Anthony and I had such a wonderful time in Italy.
Luckily, the year before, he fell off a log flume ride and legally drowned for three minutes.
He used the settlement money to pay for our trip.
He was always so generous.
And so bad at staying seated throughout the ride.
- To Anthony.
- To Anthony.
Girl, you got it going on The picture on the shelf Takes me back to all the memories of myself.
Guys, this is bad.
Dad should be back by now.
There's snow out there and holes, and the kind of snow-covered holes that Dad might fall into when he's hopped up on expired cold medicine.
I think one of us should go after him.
I'll go.
I won MVP, most valuable prepper, of my Lil' Preppers survivalist troop.
You could say I've been prepping for this moment my whole life.
Guys, no, I'm going.
I need you two to stay here in case anyone comes back.
Moon, you can treat frostbite injuries and suck the venom from their legs in case they encountered any snow snakes.
Uh, first of all, snow snakes aren't real.
And second, if they were, you wouldn't suck their venom, Judy.
You would drain it with a small blade.
See, that's why we need you here.
And, Ham, I'll need you to be my anchor.
- Here's my lantern.
- And take half the cheese log.
We'll keep the other.
Gouda-bye, and gouda luck.
If I don't make it back, tell my family I love them.
But we are your family.
Tell them.
Dad! Wolf! Honeybee! This storm is insane.
Ouch.
What in the world? The old outhouse.
Oh, maybe I'll just go in here and take a little bitty storm siesta.
Holy guaca-snow-ly, that wind is poppin'.
I don't think that's the right word, but, ooh, all my other words are frozen.
So I'm just gonna take a little rest in here, and then I'm gonna follow the rope back to the house Oh, sorry.
Were you using the bathroom? - We can come back.
- What are you guys doing here? You're supposed to be back at the house with the rope tied to you.
Dad was just saying earlier that he was worried we were all drifting apart.
And then after you left, we realized this is exactly what he was talking about.
Dad went out all alone and got lost in the snow, and then you went out all alone and got lost in the snow.
But now we're all out here alone getting lost in the snow.
We've literally drifted apart.
Okay, but from now on, we're drifting together because I tied my rope to Moon.
And I tied my rope to the outdoor barbecue, - which is still back at the house.
- Uh, that barbecue? That's the one.
201, 202.
Should be right there.
Not there.
Ha! Toolshed.
Alaska's not so hard.
The power in here seems to be out, but, oh, a generator.
Ah, some food.
Oh, an old TV Guide with the cast of 90210 on the cover? This place rules.
Oh, man.
I lost Honeybee.
But hopefully she's doing what I'm doing just sitting tight, waiting for Dad.
We'll all be together soon, and then I'll never pee again.
- What's he pouting about? - Who are you? Beef, this is my new wife Tanya.
- When did you get married? - Just now, when I met Tanya.
And, Tanya, Beef's upset because he lost his son in the snow and he's generally worried about his family drifting apart.
That happens to everybody.
You're not special.
Kids grow up, and then they blow away.
Beef, have you tried talking to your son about it? - I know when our son - You have a son? Yeah.
Yeah, we had him just now.
Little Remy.
I talk to Remy about everything.
But what if I talk to Wolf and it turns out he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore? And what if Ham goes off to culinary school in Phoenix, Arizona? And what if Judy moves to France and falls in with a bunch of rude puppeteers and she only talks to me through some bored-looking puppet? And what if Moon grows up to be a reclusive mountain man and doesn't let me visit his mountain? What if I end up alone, Denny? - Is that your son? - Who? That hunk with a mustache who's sitting over there with a thermos.
I'd like to whiten his branches.
- Wolf! - Dad! Oh, thank God! H-Have you seen Honeybee? Uh, no, I haven't, but Oh, I'm sorry.
These are my friends Denny, Tanya, and their son Remy.
Uh, Dad, are-are you feeling okay? Oh, yeah.
I feel great.
I took three large doses of Sneeze Police, and then I came out here to find you, and then I met these talking snowflakes.
Okay, uh, big fella.
Yeah, uh, they sound like cool guys.
- I'm not a guy.
I'm a lady.
- Go on, Beef.
Ask him about the drifting-apart business.
Not now, Denny.
No, you don't bring that up.
I'll bring it up when I'm ready! Okay, so Dad's losing it and I'm a little bit drunk and my fiancée is lost.
The sun's down, and the temperature is dropping.
Okay, Dad, we're moving out.
We're going to rescue Honeybee, and then we're all going to rescue game night.
Wait for us, Beef.
Here we come.
Yeah, Barf, slow down.
- Keep up, Remy.
- Coming, Mommy.
Anthony used to love to decorate our Christmas tree with chili pepper lights.
He was super into Arizona culture.
The Grand Canyon, the ice tea brand, bolo ties with a splash of turquoise, Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.
Not her ideas but her fashion.
He loved it so much that he moved there.
It is tough when you can't be with your closest friends.
I know I'm really missing my best friend Kooky Kelly and all the crazy stuff we used to do together, like go for walks or get a cup of coffee.
It must have been hard for you when Anthony left.
No, I never even really think about him except for when I decorate Christmas trees or travel or eat or see someone plummet off an amusement park ride.
Oh, my God, I do miss Anthony.
I thought looking at those pictures made me sad because of my unsightly bangs, - but really I just missed my friend.
- Well, it's his loss, because you're pretty fun to hang out with.
Well, you're pretty fun to hang out with, too.
Actually, you kind of remind me of him.
Hey, you can be my new Anthony.
And you can be my new Kooky Kelly.
One time, we switched meals at a restaurant.
It was insane.
I'm really glad we found each other, Jerry.
And you know what this means? I can get bangs again.
Oh, no.
I mean, maybe take the week and think about it.
Oh, you did it already.
99 flakes of snow in the air 99 flakes of snow They spin around, they fall on the ground 98 flakes of snow in the air.
Oh, man, we've been walking for 30 minutes, and we're still lost.
I have no idea where the house is at this point.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I feel like an absolute Dumbledork.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm happy just to spend some time with you.
Uh, you know, sometimes, lately, I feel like - That's right, Beef.
Tell him.
- Yeah, sometimes, ever since you moved out to the guesthouse, breakfast, wood-piling day, those other Tobins - Uh, what I'm trying to say is - Oh, my gosh! The woodpile! Firewood! Dad, do you have your lighter? It's too wet out here to start a fire.
You're right, Dad, but I think I actually have a very good or possibly very terrible idea.
All right, w-w-wait.
Okay.
I'm gonna soak my hankie in some Wolf's Wolfies and then kind of stick it back in the top of the jug and light it like a beautiful Molotov candle and see if all the booze burns brightly enough to signal Honeybee.
Aah! No, fire! We'll melt! Remy, run! I'll see you in hell, Barf! Okay, let's try this whole rescuing Dad, Wolf and Honeybee thing one more time, no more drifting away of any kind.
Okay, so we'll walk in a big circle and then a bunch of smaller circles until we hopefully find somebody.
And after that, we should go see who set - that fire over there.
- Dad? What are you guys all doing out here? - We're on a rescue mission.
- Rescue mission? But I just left a half hour ago.
Uh, you've been out here for three hours, Dad.
Oh, no.
Really? Yeah, Dad's been having a bit of a rough one.
He's been hallucinating some talking snowflakes.
Yeah, he did take a lot of expired cold medicine.
Oh, my God.
I've been acting like a real irresponsible Ichabod.
I got so worried about Wolf and Honeybee not wanting to hang out with us anymore that I almost made us all hang out together forever in heaven.
You think me and Honeybee don't want to hang out with you guys anymore? Well, earlier, you hung up on me without singing or whispering your goodbye.
And you didn't come to watch that other terrible Tobin family on Family Feud.
Stop saying their name.
And I'm sorry about the medium popcorn.
Must you punish me forever?! Guys, just because I get busy doesn't mean I don't love the stuffing out of you.
So you aren't slowly but surely drifting away from this family, setting in motion a cascade of farewells that will forever fracture our close family bonds? No, Dad.
When we talked earlier, the Wolf's Wolfies were boiling over, - so I had to hang up.
- Oh.
That makes sense.
I'll always be a part of the family, but now I have my own smaller family, too.
I'm a little branch off the main tree that sometimes needs some time alone in his little branch house that has a little tiny stove and a very little bathroom with a very small shower.
We're gonna have to do something about that.
Yeah, 'cause I have to choose which side of me I'm gonna wash each day.
I'm so glad you're not avoiding us.
Yeah, I don't want to be weird, but I like you guys.
Well, if we can find each other in a storm like this, we'll always be able to find each other.
Hey, family, the only place I'm drifting is right into your arms.
You know I'm the last person to break up a hug, but I lost my fiancée out here, and I'd kind of like to get married before death does us part.
Okay, if you're not tied to the rope, grab somebody's hand.
No more getting lost.
No Tobin left behind! Except the barbecue.
May she rest in grease.
Okay, step one: fill you with gasoline.
I already did that.
Next, I wheel you outside so you don't Fill the toolshed with fumes and kill me.
And then I put this little tent around you so you don't get snow in your private areas.
And I just pull this cord.
I did it.
As the scientists say, bazinga.
If this shed's a-rockin', hopefully Wolf will come a-knockin'.
Just hold on loosely But don't let go If you cling too tightly Hey, guys! You're just in time for my Shed Talk.
Honeybee, I'm very impressed you found the toolshed in this insane blizzard.
You are quite the survivalist.
Yeah, maybe I'm a little bit of a Honeybeef.
I know you're gonna take great care of my Wolf.
Yeah, she is! I never would have thought that refried beans and salsa, mayonnaise, scallops and cashews would all go so well together.
Oh, you should try it when you're drunk.
Okay, it's your team's turn, and I'm really, really rooting for you guys to beat us.
Moon, are you reading all the clues in the bowl? I thought these were chips.
Gosh, isn't this fun? Hello, everyone, and don't be frightened Come on over here and get your branches whitened I'm ready to fall on Steve Buscemi's toes Or take a one-way trip up Jeff Bridges' nose - Celine Dion - Captain Ron Those are some branches I'd love to be on Plato, Sandra Oh, Bell Biv DeVoe Put your arms out, I'll cover 'em in snow Hello, everyone, and don't be frightened Frightened, frightened, frightened, frightened Come on over here and get your branches whitened Whitened, whitened, whitened - Andie MacDowell - Colin Powell Tammy Wynette and Mr.
Keith Sweat.
Well, Wolf and Honeybee should be heading over soon for Tobin family game night.
Whoa.
Judy, Ham, Moon, you have got to get over here and see this crazy snowflake.
It's got stellar dendrites.
- Dendrites for days.
- Am I crazy or does that other one have hollow columns? Ugh, I wish Wolf was here already.
He loves dendrites.
Where are they? Maybe I ought to give him a call.
Hello.
Hey, Wolf.
It's your dad Beef.
You and Honeybee were supposed to be here for game night in ten minutes and you're not early, so I'm just checking to make sure you're okay.
Everything's fine.
We're just getting ourselves together.
I'm making Wolf's Wolfies, and pretty soon, we'll all be making memories.
Great.
I'll Wait, was that a sneeze? A-Are you sick? - Are Should we reschedule? - Absolutely not.
I'll just take some cold medicine.
Dad, you haven't had any medicine since you took half a Tylenol after you shattered your pelvis.
Y-You must be feeling pretty bad.
The only thing that would make me feel bad is if we weren't all together tonight.
- Got to go, Dad.
- Huh.
- Uh-oh.
What's going on, Dad? - Wolf usually says "I love you" when we hang up.
And then he sings it and then he whispers it.
This time, he just said, "Got to go, Dad.
" Well, maybe he got to go.
Yeah, maybe.
It just feels like Wolf and Honeybee haven't been around as much lately.
Last week, they only came to four out of seven breakfasts, and Wolf missed wood-piling day because they had to, quote, "get their marriage license.
" They didn't even come over to watch that other unrelated Tobin family on Family Feud.
Their performance was survey says disgraceful.
I mean, I don't want to just throw around the D-word, but Dracula disorder? Drifting, as in we're all drifting apart.
This was my worry when they moved out to the guesthouse, that we'd see them less and less.
And then from there, who knows what would happen? Oh, my God.
Is it me driving them away? I'm always pestering Honeybee with annoying questions like: "How much do you think your arms weigh? "Like, if you took them off your body and weighed them separately?" It could be my fault.
The other day, when Wolf and I went to the movies, I got a small popcorn to share, and he said, "I wish you'd gotten a medium.
" Well, I know it's not me.
I'm amazing.
You're gonna love game night.
Everyone's got their game night personality.
Moon always claims he's not gonna cheat, then he cheats like crazy, Judy eats so many snacks she almost barfs, oh, a-and Ham roots for everyone, especially the people he's playing against, and Dad just keeps saying, "Isn't this fun?" - And what about you? - Oh, I'm kind of like a cool guy high roller, but mostly I just get very drunk.
Uh, speaking of cool guys, is your brother Jerrybee coming? He said he'll try.
He's getting headshots done in his Bigfoot costume for his website.
He's really blowing up on the Lone Moose birthday party circuit.
Oh, can you see if he'll sign one for me? I want it to say "Never stop dreaming.
" All right, let me just transfer the Wolf's Wolfies into my chug jug.
And let me just grab my famous Fresno 14-layer dip.
I leave out the 13th layer because everyone knows it's haunted.
Well, that ought to do it.
Great.
I got to get going to my sister's game night.
Hey, you guys.
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm just going around telling everyone that the snow outside is really bad.
If you want to leave, you should have done that 20 minutes ago.
No one's going anywhere now.
Sorry I didn't get to warn you sooner.
I have a short gait.
Oh, you're perfect the way you are, Security Pam.
So we're stuck in the mall? I guess I can't make it to game night.
Oh, well.
Maybe I'll just go down and smell the food court.
Actually, Jerry, as long as we're stuck here, there's a little project that I have that I've been dying to work on.
And if you wanted to be involved, - I could pay you a small modeling fee.
- I booked a gig! Jerry, I'm going to show you something very horrific, but very intimate.
I did some photographs when I was younger.
Photos I'm not proud of.
My 2003 bang photos.
I don't know if I should see those, Alyson.
- Look, Jerry.
- Oh, but that's just a photo of you getting a Christmas gift.
And here you are at a café in Italy! But look at my hair, Jerry.
- Yeah, the front part's cut off.
- Those are bangs, Jerry.
Horrible bangs that have haunted me for years.
I want to erase my memories of being in the bang gang.
Alyson, you need to work on how you using that word.
No.
I want to recreate these photos with my current, very amazing hair.
See this other person in all these pictures? That was my roommate Anthony, and he moved away.
- So I need you to be my Anthony.
- Hey, I'll try it.
I'm an Anthony, not a Can't-hony.
- Ah, shoot.
It's expired.
- Nonsense.
That's just a trick to get you to buy more medicine.
Oh, maybe I should take two doses.
I refuse to be a Sickly Stuart.
You know what the best part of tonight's game night will be? Watching all of your fellow family members do their best? Dipping a cookie into the cheese log just to see how it feels? Mmm! Oh, it's wonderful! It's like I'm kissing a prince whose mouth is full of cheese.
No, the best part of game night will be me giving up my old, cheating ways.
Uh, I was just keeping the pieces warm.
Diondra Tundra here with a weather update.
While we were predicting just a light squall, looks like it's actually going to be squall to squall snow, for what some people are squalling "the storm of the century.
" Uh-oh.
Wolf.
Wow, it's a lot snowier than they predicted! All I see is white.
It's like when I met your family! Uh, we should probably turn around and go home.
Uh, I can't see our house.
Wait, wait, I can't see it, either.
Holy freakin' lizard! We're stuck in a blizzard! Okay, so don't freak out, but we are a little lost.
Well, we know the main house is 300 steps from our house, and we've already gone 142 steps.
How do you know how many steps we've taken? Why spend money on a Fitbit when I can count all my own steps? Oh, you're so sensible, my steppie pie.
But we shouldn't step anywhere now.
It's only 158 steps.
I'll give you a piggyback ride.
You know how much I love PBRs, but we're already disoriented.
We should just sit tight, snuggle up and wait for conditions to clear or-or Dad to find us.
Uh-uh.
I've seen the movie Everest.
You stop, you get cold but you think you're hot, so you take off all your clothes.
And then you die.
All the other hikers just hike all over your nude, dead body with your boobs just flapping in the wind until they freeze mid-flap.
And then you're just a couple of boobsicles staring at God.
Perfect movie.
And I hear what you're saying, but I'm sure my dad will come looking for us.
Trust me, my dad has a sixth sense about where I am.
When we played hide-and-seek, he found me behind the couch every time.
So let's just sit down and hug for warmth.
Mmm.
This isn't bad.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? We are not fooling around out here.
Didn't you hear my Everest story? The frozen boobs? Uh, what I meant was, let's have a sip of Wolf's Wolfies to stay warm.
Just a tiny little sip.
Got to keep our wits about us.
- Mmm.
That's warming.
- Yeah.
See, what I do is I melt a gallon of ice cream, add a flat Coke, add two cups of sugar, three bags of melted chocolate chips, and then a pinch and I mean just a pinch of honey.
Otherwise it gets too sweet.
Oh, and of course the whiskey and the rum.
- Let's have a tiny bit more.
- Uh, just a hair more.
One more sip.
Ooh.
Are you sure your dad's gonna come find us? Are you kidding? Dad's favorite thing is search and rescue.
I know he'll never say it, but I think he was kind of disappointed that none of us ever fell in a well.
Ah, they're lost in that snow.
- I need to go look for 'em.
- I don't know, Dad.
It's really coming down.
Judy, no one knows this land like me.
I was born in the bushes out there.
My mom didn't make it to the hospital.
By a lot.
Dad, since you're sick, should we all go out there with you? - Safety in numbers? - Or one big sacrifice.
- No, I'll be fine.
Whoa.
- What, Dad? Nothing.
I just thought I saw something.
- Never mind.
- Hello, Beef.
It's me from before.
The dendrite snowflake.
- Call me Denny.
- Nope.
Snowflakes don't talk.
- Did you just say something, Dad? - Uh No.
No.
Beef, let's go.
I'm late.
Sit tight.
I'll be back soon.
I do not feel good - about letting him go out there.
- But he's Dad.
And nothing bad ever happens to dads, right? Henry's dad chopped off his own finger when he was putting cream cheese on a bagel, but he's probably the exception.
Hey, Beef, wait up.
Where are we heading, Beef? Should we go grab a bite? Look, I know I'm probably hallucinating you, but have you seen my son and his fiancée out here? Hallucinating me? Well, maybe I'm hallucinating you, Beef.
Look, let's not worry about who's hallucinating who.
Let's just enjoy being lost in the snow.
I'm not lost.
I've lived here my whole life.
I've named every tree out here.
Like this tree.
This is Chris Pine.
Oh, I loved him in Hell or High Water.
He's so handsome.
I'd love to whiten his branches.
The tree was here first, way before that guy got famous.
- And who's this? - Who's who? This hill we're falling down.
Whee! Hon, I think I have to ride the yellow rainbow, if you know what I mean.
I-I'm just gonna step right over there to pee.
I'll be right back.
I don't think you should step anywhere.
- We got to stay together.
- Wait, you know I can't pee if I know someone's watching.
That's why I can't use public bathrooms.
Or private ones if there's a picture of a person hanging in them.
Or an expressive bird.
Let's just hold hands, and you take a tiny step away and pee, and that way we won't get separated from each other.
Okay.
Here I go.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Just screamed because the wind hit my penis, and my penis did not like it.
- Okay.
Did you go? - No, I can't.
I think it's because you're holding my hand so I know you're there.
Uh, I'm just gonna drop it for one second.
- Wolf, no! - Don't worry, I won't move an inch.
Oh, turduck-it! Damn it, the Wolfies! Wolf? Are you there? Can you hear me? Yeah, just rescuing the Wolfies.
Oh, got them.
- Okay.
Now walk toward my voice.
- Yep, hold on.
I just need to put my penis back in my pants.
Wait.
You sound farther away.
Oh, no, my zipper is frozen open.
Wait, there it goes.
Uh, Honeybee? Honeybee? Oh, no, I lost her.
- Damn it.
I forgot to pee.
- Wolf? Wolf? Get up, Beef.
This is no time for a layabout.
- Where are we? - We walked around for a while after we fell down the hill, Beef.
You don't remember? We were walking.
We were singing.
You told me you felt an existential dread when you pictured all of your children leaving home.
And then you laid face down in the snow.
- And now we're here.
- Oh, man.
This is bad.
I was really looking forward to having the whole family together tonight, and now half of us are lost in the snow.
Ha! You think you have it bad? - I'm all alone out here.
- Come on.
- There's snowflakes all over.
- I don't know them.
You think all snowflakes know each other? - Ha.
Typical flesh man.
- I'm sorry.
Yeah, you should be sorry.
You're lucky we're best friends.
Wolf! Wolf! Okay.
Gonna start getting dark soon, and Wolf just said to stay where you are, but no offense to Wolf, that seems dumb! Okay.
I think the tool shed is the closest building.
If I point my body toward where I think it is, I can make it there.
I am a self-sufficient woman who is not going to die in the snow.
I know this because I believe in myself and because a mall psychic told me it was gonna be a zip-lining accident.
With the pizza on the table, this really feels like Italy.
Thank you for holding the poster, Santiago.
Thank you for trusting me.
Anthony and I had such a wonderful time in Italy.
Luckily, the year before, he fell off a log flume ride and legally drowned for three minutes.
He used the settlement money to pay for our trip.
He was always so generous.
And so bad at staying seated throughout the ride.
- To Anthony.
- To Anthony.
Girl, you got it going on The picture on the shelf Takes me back to all the memories of myself.
Guys, this is bad.
Dad should be back by now.
There's snow out there and holes, and the kind of snow-covered holes that Dad might fall into when he's hopped up on expired cold medicine.
I think one of us should go after him.
I'll go.
I won MVP, most valuable prepper, of my Lil' Preppers survivalist troop.
You could say I've been prepping for this moment my whole life.
Guys, no, I'm going.
I need you two to stay here in case anyone comes back.
Moon, you can treat frostbite injuries and suck the venom from their legs in case they encountered any snow snakes.
Uh, first of all, snow snakes aren't real.
And second, if they were, you wouldn't suck their venom, Judy.
You would drain it with a small blade.
See, that's why we need you here.
And, Ham, I'll need you to be my anchor.
- Here's my lantern.
- And take half the cheese log.
We'll keep the other.
Gouda-bye, and gouda luck.
If I don't make it back, tell my family I love them.
But we are your family.
Tell them.
Dad! Wolf! Honeybee! This storm is insane.
Ouch.
What in the world? The old outhouse.
Oh, maybe I'll just go in here and take a little bitty storm siesta.
Holy guaca-snow-ly, that wind is poppin'.
I don't think that's the right word, but, ooh, all my other words are frozen.
So I'm just gonna take a little rest in here, and then I'm gonna follow the rope back to the house Oh, sorry.
Were you using the bathroom? - We can come back.
- What are you guys doing here? You're supposed to be back at the house with the rope tied to you.
Dad was just saying earlier that he was worried we were all drifting apart.
And then after you left, we realized this is exactly what he was talking about.
Dad went out all alone and got lost in the snow, and then you went out all alone and got lost in the snow.
But now we're all out here alone getting lost in the snow.
We've literally drifted apart.
Okay, but from now on, we're drifting together because I tied my rope to Moon.
And I tied my rope to the outdoor barbecue, - which is still back at the house.
- Uh, that barbecue? That's the one.
201, 202.
Should be right there.
Not there.
Ha! Toolshed.
Alaska's not so hard.
The power in here seems to be out, but, oh, a generator.
Ah, some food.
Oh, an old TV Guide with the cast of 90210 on the cover? This place rules.
Oh, man.
I lost Honeybee.
But hopefully she's doing what I'm doing just sitting tight, waiting for Dad.
We'll all be together soon, and then I'll never pee again.
- What's he pouting about? - Who are you? Beef, this is my new wife Tanya.
- When did you get married? - Just now, when I met Tanya.
And, Tanya, Beef's upset because he lost his son in the snow and he's generally worried about his family drifting apart.
That happens to everybody.
You're not special.
Kids grow up, and then they blow away.
Beef, have you tried talking to your son about it? - I know when our son - You have a son? Yeah.
Yeah, we had him just now.
Little Remy.
I talk to Remy about everything.
But what if I talk to Wolf and it turns out he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore? And what if Ham goes off to culinary school in Phoenix, Arizona? And what if Judy moves to France and falls in with a bunch of rude puppeteers and she only talks to me through some bored-looking puppet? And what if Moon grows up to be a reclusive mountain man and doesn't let me visit his mountain? What if I end up alone, Denny? - Is that your son? - Who? That hunk with a mustache who's sitting over there with a thermos.
I'd like to whiten his branches.
- Wolf! - Dad! Oh, thank God! H-Have you seen Honeybee? Uh, no, I haven't, but Oh, I'm sorry.
These are my friends Denny, Tanya, and their son Remy.
Uh, Dad, are-are you feeling okay? Oh, yeah.
I feel great.
I took three large doses of Sneeze Police, and then I came out here to find you, and then I met these talking snowflakes.
Okay, uh, big fella.
Yeah, uh, they sound like cool guys.
- I'm not a guy.
I'm a lady.
- Go on, Beef.
Ask him about the drifting-apart business.
Not now, Denny.
No, you don't bring that up.
I'll bring it up when I'm ready! Okay, so Dad's losing it and I'm a little bit drunk and my fiancée is lost.
The sun's down, and the temperature is dropping.
Okay, Dad, we're moving out.
We're going to rescue Honeybee, and then we're all going to rescue game night.
Wait for us, Beef.
Here we come.
Yeah, Barf, slow down.
- Keep up, Remy.
- Coming, Mommy.
Anthony used to love to decorate our Christmas tree with chili pepper lights.
He was super into Arizona culture.
The Grand Canyon, the ice tea brand, bolo ties with a splash of turquoise, Justice Sandra Day O'Connor.
Not her ideas but her fashion.
He loved it so much that he moved there.
It is tough when you can't be with your closest friends.
I know I'm really missing my best friend Kooky Kelly and all the crazy stuff we used to do together, like go for walks or get a cup of coffee.
It must have been hard for you when Anthony left.
No, I never even really think about him except for when I decorate Christmas trees or travel or eat or see someone plummet off an amusement park ride.
Oh, my God, I do miss Anthony.
I thought looking at those pictures made me sad because of my unsightly bangs, - but really I just missed my friend.
- Well, it's his loss, because you're pretty fun to hang out with.
Well, you're pretty fun to hang out with, too.
Actually, you kind of remind me of him.
Hey, you can be my new Anthony.
And you can be my new Kooky Kelly.
One time, we switched meals at a restaurant.
It was insane.
I'm really glad we found each other, Jerry.
And you know what this means? I can get bangs again.
Oh, no.
I mean, maybe take the week and think about it.
Oh, you did it already.
99 flakes of snow in the air 99 flakes of snow They spin around, they fall on the ground 98 flakes of snow in the air.
Oh, man, we've been walking for 30 minutes, and we're still lost.
I have no idea where the house is at this point.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I feel like an absolute Dumbledork.
Oh, that's okay.
I'm happy just to spend some time with you.
Uh, you know, sometimes, lately, I feel like - That's right, Beef.
Tell him.
- Yeah, sometimes, ever since you moved out to the guesthouse, breakfast, wood-piling day, those other Tobins - Uh, what I'm trying to say is - Oh, my gosh! The woodpile! Firewood! Dad, do you have your lighter? It's too wet out here to start a fire.
You're right, Dad, but I think I actually have a very good or possibly very terrible idea.
All right, w-w-wait.
Okay.
I'm gonna soak my hankie in some Wolf's Wolfies and then kind of stick it back in the top of the jug and light it like a beautiful Molotov candle and see if all the booze burns brightly enough to signal Honeybee.
Aah! No, fire! We'll melt! Remy, run! I'll see you in hell, Barf! Okay, let's try this whole rescuing Dad, Wolf and Honeybee thing one more time, no more drifting away of any kind.
Okay, so we'll walk in a big circle and then a bunch of smaller circles until we hopefully find somebody.
And after that, we should go see who set - that fire over there.
- Dad? What are you guys all doing out here? - We're on a rescue mission.
- Rescue mission? But I just left a half hour ago.
Uh, you've been out here for three hours, Dad.
Oh, no.
Really? Yeah, Dad's been having a bit of a rough one.
He's been hallucinating some talking snowflakes.
Yeah, he did take a lot of expired cold medicine.
Oh, my God.
I've been acting like a real irresponsible Ichabod.
I got so worried about Wolf and Honeybee not wanting to hang out with us anymore that I almost made us all hang out together forever in heaven.
You think me and Honeybee don't want to hang out with you guys anymore? Well, earlier, you hung up on me without singing or whispering your goodbye.
And you didn't come to watch that other terrible Tobin family on Family Feud.
Stop saying their name.
And I'm sorry about the medium popcorn.
Must you punish me forever?! Guys, just because I get busy doesn't mean I don't love the stuffing out of you.
So you aren't slowly but surely drifting away from this family, setting in motion a cascade of farewells that will forever fracture our close family bonds? No, Dad.
When we talked earlier, the Wolf's Wolfies were boiling over, - so I had to hang up.
- Oh.
That makes sense.
I'll always be a part of the family, but now I have my own smaller family, too.
I'm a little branch off the main tree that sometimes needs some time alone in his little branch house that has a little tiny stove and a very little bathroom with a very small shower.
We're gonna have to do something about that.
Yeah, 'cause I have to choose which side of me I'm gonna wash each day.
I'm so glad you're not avoiding us.
Yeah, I don't want to be weird, but I like you guys.
Well, if we can find each other in a storm like this, we'll always be able to find each other.
Hey, family, the only place I'm drifting is right into your arms.
You know I'm the last person to break up a hug, but I lost my fiancée out here, and I'd kind of like to get married before death does us part.
Okay, if you're not tied to the rope, grab somebody's hand.
No more getting lost.
No Tobin left behind! Except the barbecue.
May she rest in grease.
Okay, step one: fill you with gasoline.
I already did that.
Next, I wheel you outside so you don't Fill the toolshed with fumes and kill me.
And then I put this little tent around you so you don't get snow in your private areas.
And I just pull this cord.
I did it.
As the scientists say, bazinga.
If this shed's a-rockin', hopefully Wolf will come a-knockin'.
Just hold on loosely But don't let go If you cling too tightly Hey, guys! You're just in time for my Shed Talk.
Honeybee, I'm very impressed you found the toolshed in this insane blizzard.
You are quite the survivalist.
Yeah, maybe I'm a little bit of a Honeybeef.
I know you're gonna take great care of my Wolf.
Yeah, she is! I never would have thought that refried beans and salsa, mayonnaise, scallops and cashews would all go so well together.
Oh, you should try it when you're drunk.
Okay, it's your team's turn, and I'm really, really rooting for you guys to beat us.
Moon, are you reading all the clues in the bowl? I thought these were chips.
Gosh, isn't this fun? Hello, everyone, and don't be frightened Come on over here and get your branches whitened I'm ready to fall on Steve Buscemi's toes Or take a one-way trip up Jeff Bridges' nose - Celine Dion - Captain Ron Those are some branches I'd love to be on Plato, Sandra Oh, Bell Biv DeVoe Put your arms out, I'll cover 'em in snow Hello, everyone, and don't be frightened Frightened, frightened, frightened, frightened Come on over here and get your branches whitened Whitened, whitened, whitened - Andie MacDowell - Colin Powell Tammy Wynette and Mr.
Keith Sweat.