The Guest Book (2017) s01e10 Episode Script
Story Ten
1 Ooh, dude, you gotta check out "The Guest Book" tonight! It's the season finale! Things are really gettin' crazy.
So remember that stripper I told you about that was blackmailing people? Well, the old dude finally put his foot down, and he said he wasn't gonna give her the keys anymore.
You know, they totally fought.
And remember the doctor who lives next door and how he was practicing with a crossbow to impress his son and how he was gonna go on a date with the cop? Well, this fool slept with the cop! And he shot the stripper in the tit with the crossbow! The tit! And he and the old man dragged her into the cabin.
But that's all you need to know to enjoy the season finale.
Oh, and you might want to know that the old couple is Is practicing line dancing.
I know.
I watched it last week.
Not for me.
[PLASTIC CRINKLES.]
Wherever we go That's fine by me We'll settle our bones Eventually Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute Just give me one day Let's get, get, get away This is bad, isn't it? It is not good.
I'll sure as shit tell you that.
- Is she dead? - No, she's just knocked out.
Once we get this arrow out, she should [GAGS.]
be fine.
What are you gagging for? I thought you were a doctor.
I am.
[GAGS.]
I think this is just from stress.
Well, as long as she agrees not to tell my wife anything, we'll take her to the hospital.
Tell your wife about what? Well, I started going to a bikini bar a few months ago, and she threatened to tell my wife about it.
Seriously?! Don't judge me until you've been married as long as I have! Looking at the same naked lady for 50 years is like watching a candle melt.
I was just trying to get my juices flowing so I could spice up my marriage.
And it was working, too.
We've never been closer.
We're learning how to line dance together, and there's talk of a couples' pottery class.
Well, that's great for you.
I got a cop in my bed and a stripper with my arrow in her tit! [GAGS.]
Oh, my God.
My wife is gonna have a field day in court with this.
- I'll never see my son again.
- Trust me.
Vivian doesn't want to get the cops involved any more than we do.
Just go get what you need to patch her up.
When she wakes up, I'll talk some sense into her.
- Okay.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
- Yeah.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[WHIMPERS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
I made you pancakes just in case the crossbow practice made you hungry.
Oh.
One of them is kind of shaped like a heart, but that was an accident.
Or was it? [CHUCKLES.]
You know, I think I need to Run in to work real quick, check on a patient.
It's nothing serious.
[GAGS.]
But I You know, I should check in.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I-I-I'm sorry.
I probably should have asked before I made it.
I mean, it barely looks like a heart.
If anything, it looks more like a butt.
I was just joking.
But I didn't mean to make you - think I was gonna stay all day.
- No, no.
It's just that last night at dinner, you said you liked pancakes, so I - thought I'd just make some.
- [SIGHS.]
I'll see you later.
Or not.
- Okay.
- It's no big deal.
Unless you want to hang out, and then, uh, call me, okay? - I can give you a ride.
- Oh, no need.
I usually jog in the mornings anyway.
- In bare feet? - Yeah.
That's how they do it in Africa.
It's hard to argue with those guys, considering how many marathons they win.
I think I read in "Newsweek" that a Kenyan has won every major marathon in every city on every continent for the last 35 years.
And if he doesn't run barefoot [TYLER LYLE'S "IT'S FUN TO DO BAD THINGS" PLAYING.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Gabriel went to Mississippi He left without his wings He stumbled onto a riverboat full of gamblers and thieves He approached a stranger closely Said, "Sir, if you please [BUZZING.]
" Remind me again why we live in sin so continentally" He said, "Well, brother, it's simple " "It's fun to do bad things" He said, "Do you love the taste of whiskey?" "You been enjoying the finest wine "Have you ever met a beautiful girl "And stayed with her all night? "Have you ever stolen something - "Without a reason to steal? " - [HORN BLARING.]
"Have you ever laid in the sun "And felt no need to repeat it? "Well, tell me the truth, brother "It's fun to do bad things" When we're supposed to be good Then why is it so fun to do bad things? I got some sedatives for the Wilfrid? [WHISPERS.]
Wilfrid! Something happened.
What? What are you doing up there? Something happened.
What do you mean "something happened"? Did she leave? She did not leave.
Okay, so where is she? Please.
Don't be mad.
You and I shouldn't argue.
We're We're in this together.
In what together? Well After you left, I started to get worried that if Vivian woke up, she might not be in the best frame of mind.
So to make sure she would listen to me while I tried to reason with her, I used the rope from the macramé owl and tied her to a chair.
Okay.
So where is she? Well, when she woke up, she was pretty aggravated, as predicted.
And no matter what I said, she just would not listen! - Where is she? - I don't know what we gonna do, Doc.
We've got a serious problem here.
Where is she?! She's in the bedroom.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh, thank God, Wilfrid.
I thought you killed her.
Oh, I could never do that.
I was hoping you'd do it.
- What? - So she wouldn't suffer.
I figured with you being a doctor What is wrong with you? I am not murdering anyone.
Well, I don't know what we're gonna do, Doc.
She's gonna tell Emma everything, and that's gonna ruin the line dancing tonight.
Plus, now that I've tied her up, I'm pretty sure I'll go to jail for kidnapping.
I will die in there.
I'd rather take my chances with killing her.
- [WHIMPERING.]
- I'm sorry, Wilfrid, but it's time to call the cops.
- [SIGHS.]
- You seem like a really nice guy, except for wanting to kill this stripper, but this has to end.
[SCOFFS.]
Great! Just great! My wife is gonna divorce me, and I'm gonna rot in prison! - Hi.
Hi.
- [GRUNTS.]
I-I-I-I'm sorry about all this.
I only shot you to protect Wilfrid.
- But, uh, hopefully, we can forget - [SCREAMING.]
- [SQUISH.]
- Aah! What the hell is that?! I'm not sure.
He brought it.
- What did I inject her with, doc? - A shitload of sedatives! Am I gonna die? I don't wanna die.
I wanted to have children and travel the world.
I haven't even seen the Equator yet! - Ohh! - What did you do that for? - I was helping you.
- I didn't ask you to help me.
Well, I didn't ask you to help me either, but that didn't stop you from grabbing your bow and arrow and going all Crazy Cat on her ass.
- Who? - Crazy Cat.
He was a Native American character on the TV show "F Troop.
" Have you really never seen "F Troop"? This isn't what I wanted my life to be.
[SLURRING.]
I just wanted a house with a manageable yard and a water feature and a man who will microwave my dinner when I got too tired and surprise me with a small dog on Christmas.
Where did I go so wrong? I just wanted to [MUTTERS.]
If you smother her now, she won't feel a thing.
[URINATING.]
Is she dead? No, she's not dead.
Just making sure she won't bite me again.
And thanks to you, she has drugs in her system that everyone at the hospital saw me leave with 15 minutes ago.
Goddamn it, Wilfrid.
This is a mess.
This is a goddamn mess.
Calm down.
Calm down.
We'll figure something out.
[SPITS.]
Figure something out?! We have That's She has a If you really don't want to kill her, maybe we can find Frank, and he'll talk some sense into her.
- Who's Frank? - Her stepson, works at Chubby's.
Not a bad guy.
Gave me the tape of me sucking on her titties so I could destroy it.
[SPITS.]
You were sucking on her titties?! Not really.
She smushed them into my face.
And with the camera angle, it [VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
[SPITS.]
Shit.
Hey, Dad! I'm gonna go put my stuff away, and then we can go play with the crossbow! Sounds great.
[GAGS.]
Hello? Oh, hi, honey.
Oh, well, uh, I wanted to get my shoes shined before line dancing, so I went down to the bus depot.
Hey.
Hey.
You're winning the cool parent contest with that stupid bow and arrow, but don't get used to it.
Next Friday, I'm gonna let him watch "Sausage Party.
" Yeah, okay.
Hey, do you think maybe we could, I don't know Hey, Doc! Doc! Uh, I gotta go see the wife.
She needs me to try on my line dancing outfit to make sure I won't trip on the fringe.
Wilfrid, I thought we were gonna go find that guy so we could take care of that thing.
Uh, no, no, I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to talk to Frank alone.
The last thing I need right now is an angry wife driving around, looking for me.
Happy wife, happy life.
- Yeah.
- Now tha a husband.
We might still be married if you took - a page out of his book.
- [STARTS ENGINE.]
Oh, yeah, I'd love you to read a couple chapters of this guy's book.
Tell me exactly which pages you want me to rip out.
I'm ready, Dad! Oh, shit.
He went from being all cuddly to being all weird.
That's just how they act after they have an orgasm.
After a good dick sneeze, the male brain just shuts down for a while.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- Think of it as a compliment.
[RING.]
Hey, Andrew.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
No.
No, it's not weird at all.
I'd love to.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll be there as soon as I can.
He wants me to keep an eye on his kid while he goes to work.
See? Brain's back up and running.
This could be my chance to show him I'd be a great stepmom.
If you want that little boy to like you, just go inside and fill your purse with candy.
Until their wieners start calling the shots, all those creatures think about is sugar.
Am I adopted? [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
You really want to talk about this now? Again, thank you so much.
You guys are gonna have a blast.
Bryce, you're gonna love her.
Her name's Kimberly.
- See anything you like? - Ooh! You gotta be kidding me.
She's still alive? I thought you shot her with a bow and arrow.
Shh! How'd you know that? I drove up when she was kicking Wilfrid's ass.
I was gonna jump in, but then you went all Rambo on her.
- You didn't call the cops? - Hell, no.
She got what she deserved, messing with people's lives like that.
- You sure she's not dead? - Positive.
But if you can't talk some sense into her, - Wilfrid wants to kill her.
- Good.
Let him kill her.
- Shh! - What are you worried about? Them? Hey, you guys care if somebody kills Vivian? - I'm cool with it.
- Can I watch? She's your stepmom.
Only because she was married to my father for a month.
She's mean, man.
You see this? That's a fork wound.
I got about 30 of those all over my body from her.
I don't take my shirt off at the pool because I look like a baked potato.
- Always with a fork? - Yep.
She keeps it in her purse and has a guy at the mall that sharpens it for her.
She bit me.
Yeah.
Does that when she can't find a fork.
- [GASPS.]
- [LOUD CRASH, GLASS BREAKS.]
Shit.
If Wilfrid doesn't kill her, - do me a favor - [GRUNTING.]
and give me the heads up.
I might need to get out of town.
- Kombucha, yo, make yourself skinny.
- [GROANS.]
[MUFFLED VOICE.]
Let me out of here, you assholes! I swear to God, I will kill you if you don't cut me loose! [CLACK.]
[INDISTINCT MUFFLED SHOUTING.]
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
[RING.]
Mount Trace Rentals.
Oh, hey, Officer Leahy.
What does she want? No, Froggy Cottage is empty right now.
I'll bet someone just left the TV on.
Would you mind going in there and turning it off? There's a key hidden in a rock somewhere in the backyard.
[INDISTINCT MUFFLED SHOUTING CONTINUES.]
[MUFFLED SHOUTING.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[MUFFLED SHOUTING CONTINUES.]
[SCREAMING.]
[MUFFLED SHOUTING.]
- Why are you a cowboy?! - [GRUNTS.]
Found it! [EXHALES.]
[GASPING AND SCREAMING ON TV.]
[CLICK.]
[ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
Dad, I killed a crow.
That's great, buddy.
Where's Kimberly? Hey, what's going on in here? Oh, I was just turning off the television for Emma.
Didn't there used to be some weird macramé thing here? Not sure.
You know what I could go for right now? Heart-shaped pancakes.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [GRUNTING.]
- Ow! [WILFRID AND VIVIAN GROANING.]
[THUD.]
[GRUNTS.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
This is why I wanted to kill her.
[GRUNTING.]
I-I can't believe this.
I finally sleep with a guy who has a job, and instead of cuddling, I have to arrest him for assault, kidnapping, false imprisonment, - and attempted murder.
- Untie me, you bitch! She was blackmailing me.
Does that count for anything? - Shut up, asshole.
- If you had any evidence, maybe, but you destroyed the tape, so it's your word against hers, and she's the one tied to a chair with sedatives in her bloodstream.
Dad! I got a squirrel! Look at that! Aw, that's great, buddy! [CHUCKLES.]
That's great.
Let's, uh Let's give the local wildlife a break and, uh here! Go read for a while.
I'll be out as soon as I can, okay? What kind of shitty cop are you? I've been sitting here kidnapped for 10 minutes.
You're over there shooting the shit with your boyfriend.
You're not kidnapped anymore.
You're being detained while I investigate the situation.
- Then cut me loose.
- [THUD.]
Your investigation is over.
You said it yourself.
There's no evidence against me and tons of evidence against them.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're going to jail, boys.
[GROANS.]
Couldn't we just create some evidence? - We could cut a deal with her.
- I'm a cop.
I'm not gonna break the law to help you.
Say goodbye to your girlfriend, Doc.
The only pussy you'll be gettin' is shaped like a starfish and belongs to a guy named Tyrone.
Okay, that That's enough.
Why does the guy have to be named Tyrone? - Dad? - Uh, yeah, buddy? - What's a VIP room? - Um, what's a what? - A VIP room.
- What are you reading? Some book about a character named Tickles who's trying to sell a man a tape of what he did in the VIP room.
There's a whole story in this guest book about her blackmailing someone.
You weren't the first, Wilfrid.
This is evidence! Dad, who's that? That's a stripper with a gag in her mouth and an arrow in her tit, son.
But if you go play on those swings and you don't tell your mom about any of this, - we'll have ice cream for dinner.
- Deal.
"Thanks for sharing your home with us.
Your pal, John.
"P.
S.
That's not my real name.
" Damn! [CHUCKLES.]
Now what, assholes? You don't even know where to find him.
Wilfrid, you don't happen to keep records of everyone who stays at Foggy Cottage? I sure do.
[PHONE DIALING.]
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- Hello? - I was just wondering if you wrote a story in a guest book involving blackmail and feet? - No.
- Okay.
- [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- [BEEP.]
- Hi.
My name is - No.
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- Hello? - Hi, this is Officer Leahy.
Nope.
Wasn't me.
Yeah, right, there is no way Tim went to a strip club.
He's too much of a pussy.
- No, it wasn't me.
- [BEEP, PHONE DIALING.]
Did you stay at [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
No, it wasn't me.
G-59.
- [DIALING.]
- [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- [RING.]
- [GOAT BLEATING.]
[RING.]
[SIGHS.]
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Officer Leahy.
Did you say the thing with the stripper - had something to do with feet? - Yes, I did.
'Cause I just remembered when we were up there, Tim tried to put his toe up my ass.
Maybe he knows something about this after all.
- Here, grab a pen.
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
I'll give you his cellphone number.
- Hello? - Hi, this is the police.
Did you write a story in a guest book about a strip club? Uh Yeah, that was me.
I found him, and he'll testify.
He said that he will do whatever it takes to make sure that woman's feet never touch an innocent man again.
So what do you say, sweetheart? Do you want to go to jail, or should we chalk this whole thing up as one big misunderstanding? Fine! And you can't tell my wife I was sucking on your titties! - Fine! - You sucked on her titties? - She smushed them in his face.
- Thank you.
Can you assholes untie me now? Get this arrow out of my tit? I'm starting to lose feeling in my nipple.
Hold on a second.
There's one more thing she has to agree to.
This hit, that ice cold Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold This one's for them hood girls No, no, no! No, no, no! Them good girls, straight masterpieces [SQUISH, SCREAMING.]
Stylin', wildin' Livin' it up in the city I got Chucks on with Saint Laurent Gotta kiss myself, I'm so pretty - I'm too hot - Hot damn Call the police and the fireman - I'm too hot - Hot damn Make a dragon want to retire, man - I'm too hot - Hot damn Say my name, you know who I am - Too hot - Hot damn My band's about that money, break it down - Girls, hit your hallelujah - Whoo! - Girls, hit your hallelujah - Whoo 'Cause Uptown Funk gonna give it to you 'Cause Uptown Funk gonna give it to you Saturday night, and we in the spot Don't believe me, just watch Whoo Whoo Whoo Don't believe me, just watch Don't believe me, just watch Hey, hey, hey, ow! Stop, wait a minute Fill my cup, put some liquor in it Take a sip, sign the check - [WHISTLES.]
- Julio, get the stretch Ride to Harlem, Hollywood Jackson, Mississippi We show up, we gon' show out Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy - Too hot - Hot damn Call the police and the fireman - I'm too hot - Hot damn My band's about that money, break it down - Girls, hit your hallelujah - Whoo! - Girls, hit your hallelujah - Whoo! 'Cause Uptown Funk gonna give it to you.
Whoo! 'Cause Uptown Funk gonna give it to you Saturday night, we in the spot Don't believe me, just watch Whoo - Now, be honest.
- Hmm? Isn't this a lot more fun than that bikini bar? - Don't believe me - You knew about that? Of course I knew about it.
I'm not stupid.
- Don't believe me Oh! - [LAUGHS.]
- All right.
Whoa.
- Don't believe me Hey, hey, hey, ow! [SONG ENDS, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[LAUGHS.]
So remember that stripper I told you about that was blackmailing people? Well, the old dude finally put his foot down, and he said he wasn't gonna give her the keys anymore.
You know, they totally fought.
And remember the doctor who lives next door and how he was practicing with a crossbow to impress his son and how he was gonna go on a date with the cop? Well, this fool slept with the cop! And he shot the stripper in the tit with the crossbow! The tit! And he and the old man dragged her into the cabin.
But that's all you need to know to enjoy the season finale.
Oh, and you might want to know that the old couple is Is practicing line dancing.
I know.
I watched it last week.
Not for me.
[PLASTIC CRINKLES.]
Wherever we go That's fine by me We'll settle our bones Eventually Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute Just give me one day Let's get, get, get away This is bad, isn't it? It is not good.
I'll sure as shit tell you that.
- Is she dead? - No, she's just knocked out.
Once we get this arrow out, she should [GAGS.]
be fine.
What are you gagging for? I thought you were a doctor.
I am.
[GAGS.]
I think this is just from stress.
Well, as long as she agrees not to tell my wife anything, we'll take her to the hospital.
Tell your wife about what? Well, I started going to a bikini bar a few months ago, and she threatened to tell my wife about it.
Seriously?! Don't judge me until you've been married as long as I have! Looking at the same naked lady for 50 years is like watching a candle melt.
I was just trying to get my juices flowing so I could spice up my marriage.
And it was working, too.
We've never been closer.
We're learning how to line dance together, and there's talk of a couples' pottery class.
Well, that's great for you.
I got a cop in my bed and a stripper with my arrow in her tit! [GAGS.]
Oh, my God.
My wife is gonna have a field day in court with this.
- I'll never see my son again.
- Trust me.
Vivian doesn't want to get the cops involved any more than we do.
Just go get what you need to patch her up.
When she wakes up, I'll talk some sense into her.
- Okay.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
- Yeah.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[WHIMPERS.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
I made you pancakes just in case the crossbow practice made you hungry.
Oh.
One of them is kind of shaped like a heart, but that was an accident.
Or was it? [CHUCKLES.]
You know, I think I need to Run in to work real quick, check on a patient.
It's nothing serious.
[GAGS.]
But I You know, I should check in.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I-I-I'm sorry.
I probably should have asked before I made it.
I mean, it barely looks like a heart.
If anything, it looks more like a butt.
I was just joking.
But I didn't mean to make you - think I was gonna stay all day.
- No, no.
It's just that last night at dinner, you said you liked pancakes, so I - thought I'd just make some.
- [SIGHS.]
I'll see you later.
Or not.
- Okay.
- It's no big deal.
Unless you want to hang out, and then, uh, call me, okay? - I can give you a ride.
- Oh, no need.
I usually jog in the mornings anyway.
- In bare feet? - Yeah.
That's how they do it in Africa.
It's hard to argue with those guys, considering how many marathons they win.
I think I read in "Newsweek" that a Kenyan has won every major marathon in every city on every continent for the last 35 years.
And if he doesn't run barefoot [TYLER LYLE'S "IT'S FUN TO DO BAD THINGS" PLAYING.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Gabriel went to Mississippi He left without his wings He stumbled onto a riverboat full of gamblers and thieves He approached a stranger closely Said, "Sir, if you please [BUZZING.]
" Remind me again why we live in sin so continentally" He said, "Well, brother, it's simple " "It's fun to do bad things" He said, "Do you love the taste of whiskey?" "You been enjoying the finest wine "Have you ever met a beautiful girl "And stayed with her all night? "Have you ever stolen something - "Without a reason to steal? " - [HORN BLARING.]
"Have you ever laid in the sun "And felt no need to repeat it? "Well, tell me the truth, brother "It's fun to do bad things" When we're supposed to be good Then why is it so fun to do bad things? I got some sedatives for the Wilfrid? [WHISPERS.]
Wilfrid! Something happened.
What? What are you doing up there? Something happened.
What do you mean "something happened"? Did she leave? She did not leave.
Okay, so where is she? Please.
Don't be mad.
You and I shouldn't argue.
We're We're in this together.
In what together? Well After you left, I started to get worried that if Vivian woke up, she might not be in the best frame of mind.
So to make sure she would listen to me while I tried to reason with her, I used the rope from the macramé owl and tied her to a chair.
Okay.
So where is she? Well, when she woke up, she was pretty aggravated, as predicted.
And no matter what I said, she just would not listen! - Where is she? - I don't know what we gonna do, Doc.
We've got a serious problem here.
Where is she?! She's in the bedroom.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh, thank God, Wilfrid.
I thought you killed her.
Oh, I could never do that.
I was hoping you'd do it.
- What? - So she wouldn't suffer.
I figured with you being a doctor What is wrong with you? I am not murdering anyone.
Well, I don't know what we're gonna do, Doc.
She's gonna tell Emma everything, and that's gonna ruin the line dancing tonight.
Plus, now that I've tied her up, I'm pretty sure I'll go to jail for kidnapping.
I will die in there.
I'd rather take my chances with killing her.
- [WHIMPERING.]
- I'm sorry, Wilfrid, but it's time to call the cops.
- [SIGHS.]
- You seem like a really nice guy, except for wanting to kill this stripper, but this has to end.
[SCOFFS.]
Great! Just great! My wife is gonna divorce me, and I'm gonna rot in prison! - Hi.
Hi.
- [GRUNTS.]
I-I-I-I'm sorry about all this.
I only shot you to protect Wilfrid.
- But, uh, hopefully, we can forget - [SCREAMING.]
- [SQUISH.]
- Aah! What the hell is that?! I'm not sure.
He brought it.
- What did I inject her with, doc? - A shitload of sedatives! Am I gonna die? I don't wanna die.
I wanted to have children and travel the world.
I haven't even seen the Equator yet! - Ohh! - What did you do that for? - I was helping you.
- I didn't ask you to help me.
Well, I didn't ask you to help me either, but that didn't stop you from grabbing your bow and arrow and going all Crazy Cat on her ass.
- Who? - Crazy Cat.
He was a Native American character on the TV show "F Troop.
" Have you really never seen "F Troop"? This isn't what I wanted my life to be.
[SLURRING.]
I just wanted a house with a manageable yard and a water feature and a man who will microwave my dinner when I got too tired and surprise me with a small dog on Christmas.
Where did I go so wrong? I just wanted to [MUTTERS.]
If you smother her now, she won't feel a thing.
[URINATING.]
Is she dead? No, she's not dead.
Just making sure she won't bite me again.
And thanks to you, she has drugs in her system that everyone at the hospital saw me leave with 15 minutes ago.
Goddamn it, Wilfrid.
This is a mess.
This is a goddamn mess.
Calm down.
Calm down.
We'll figure something out.
[SPITS.]
Figure something out?! We have That's She has a If you really don't want to kill her, maybe we can find Frank, and he'll talk some sense into her.
- Who's Frank? - Her stepson, works at Chubby's.
Not a bad guy.
Gave me the tape of me sucking on her titties so I could destroy it.
[SPITS.]
You were sucking on her titties?! Not really.
She smushed them into my face.
And with the camera angle, it [VEHICLE APPROACHING.]
[SPITS.]
Shit.
Hey, Dad! I'm gonna go put my stuff away, and then we can go play with the crossbow! Sounds great.
[GAGS.]
Hello? Oh, hi, honey.
Oh, well, uh, I wanted to get my shoes shined before line dancing, so I went down to the bus depot.
Hey.
Hey.
You're winning the cool parent contest with that stupid bow and arrow, but don't get used to it.
Next Friday, I'm gonna let him watch "Sausage Party.
" Yeah, okay.
Hey, do you think maybe we could, I don't know Hey, Doc! Doc! Uh, I gotta go see the wife.
She needs me to try on my line dancing outfit to make sure I won't trip on the fringe.
Wilfrid, I thought we were gonna go find that guy so we could take care of that thing.
Uh, no, no, I'm sorry.
You're gonna have to talk to Frank alone.
The last thing I need right now is an angry wife driving around, looking for me.
Happy wife, happy life.
- Yeah.
- Now tha a husband.
We might still be married if you took - a page out of his book.
- [STARTS ENGINE.]
Oh, yeah, I'd love you to read a couple chapters of this guy's book.
Tell me exactly which pages you want me to rip out.
I'm ready, Dad! Oh, shit.
He went from being all cuddly to being all weird.
That's just how they act after they have an orgasm.
After a good dick sneeze, the male brain just shuts down for a while.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- Think of it as a compliment.
[RING.]
Hey, Andrew.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
No.
No, it's not weird at all.
I'd love to.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll be there as soon as I can.
He wants me to keep an eye on his kid while he goes to work.
See? Brain's back up and running.
This could be my chance to show him I'd be a great stepmom.
If you want that little boy to like you, just go inside and fill your purse with candy.
Until their wieners start calling the shots, all those creatures think about is sugar.
Am I adopted? [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
You really want to talk about this now? Again, thank you so much.
You guys are gonna have a blast.
Bryce, you're gonna love her.
Her name's Kimberly.
- See anything you like? - Ooh! You gotta be kidding me.
She's still alive? I thought you shot her with a bow and arrow.
Shh! How'd you know that? I drove up when she was kicking Wilfrid's ass.
I was gonna jump in, but then you went all Rambo on her.
- You didn't call the cops? - Hell, no.
She got what she deserved, messing with people's lives like that.
- You sure she's not dead? - Positive.
But if you can't talk some sense into her, - Wilfrid wants to kill her.
- Good.
Let him kill her.
- Shh! - What are you worried about? Them? Hey, you guys care if somebody kills Vivian? - I'm cool with it.
- Can I watch? She's your stepmom.
Only because she was married to my father for a month.
She's mean, man.
You see this? That's a fork wound.
I got about 30 of those all over my body from her.
I don't take my shirt off at the pool because I look like a baked potato.
- Always with a fork? - Yep.
She keeps it in her purse and has a guy at the mall that sharpens it for her.
She bit me.
Yeah.
Does that when she can't find a fork.
- [GASPS.]
- [LOUD CRASH, GLASS BREAKS.]
Shit.
If Wilfrid doesn't kill her, - do me a favor - [GRUNTING.]
and give me the heads up.
I might need to get out of town.
- Kombucha, yo, make yourself skinny.
- [GROANS.]
[MUFFLED VOICE.]
Let me out of here, you assholes! I swear to God, I will kill you if you don't cut me loose! [CLACK.]
[INDISTINCT MUFFLED SHOUTING.]
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
[RING.]
Mount Trace Rentals.
Oh, hey, Officer Leahy.
What does she want? No, Froggy Cottage is empty right now.
I'll bet someone just left the TV on.
Would you mind going in there and turning it off? There's a key hidden in a rock somewhere in the backyard.
[INDISTINCT MUFFLED SHOUTING CONTINUES.]
[MUFFLED SHOUTING.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[MUFFLED SHOUTING CONTINUES.]
[SCREAMING.]
[MUFFLED SHOUTING.]
- Why are you a cowboy?! - [GRUNTS.]
Found it! [EXHALES.]
[GASPING AND SCREAMING ON TV.]
[CLICK.]
[ENGINE TURNS OFF.]
Dad, I killed a crow.
That's great, buddy.
Where's Kimberly? Hey, what's going on in here? Oh, I was just turning off the television for Emma.
Didn't there used to be some weird macramé thing here? Not sure.
You know what I could go for right now? Heart-shaped pancakes.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [GRUNTING.]
- Ow! [WILFRID AND VIVIAN GROANING.]
[THUD.]
[GRUNTS.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
This is why I wanted to kill her.
[GRUNTING.]
I-I can't believe this.
I finally sleep with a guy who has a job, and instead of cuddling, I have to arrest him for assault, kidnapping, false imprisonment, - and attempted murder.
- Untie me, you bitch! She was blackmailing me.
Does that count for anything? - Shut up, asshole.
- If you had any evidence, maybe, but you destroyed the tape, so it's your word against hers, and she's the one tied to a chair with sedatives in her bloodstream.
Dad! I got a squirrel! Look at that! Aw, that's great, buddy! [CHUCKLES.]
That's great.
Let's, uh Let's give the local wildlife a break and, uh here! Go read for a while.
I'll be out as soon as I can, okay? What kind of shitty cop are you? I've been sitting here kidnapped for 10 minutes.
You're over there shooting the shit with your boyfriend.
You're not kidnapped anymore.
You're being detained while I investigate the situation.
- Then cut me loose.
- [THUD.]
Your investigation is over.
You said it yourself.
There's no evidence against me and tons of evidence against them.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're going to jail, boys.
[GROANS.]
Couldn't we just create some evidence? - We could cut a deal with her.
- I'm a cop.
I'm not gonna break the law to help you.
Say goodbye to your girlfriend, Doc.
The only pussy you'll be gettin' is shaped like a starfish and belongs to a guy named Tyrone.
Okay, that That's enough.
Why does the guy have to be named Tyrone? - Dad? - Uh, yeah, buddy? - What's a VIP room? - Um, what's a what? - A VIP room.
- What are you reading? Some book about a character named Tickles who's trying to sell a man a tape of what he did in the VIP room.
There's a whole story in this guest book about her blackmailing someone.
You weren't the first, Wilfrid.
This is evidence! Dad, who's that? That's a stripper with a gag in her mouth and an arrow in her tit, son.
But if you go play on those swings and you don't tell your mom about any of this, - we'll have ice cream for dinner.
- Deal.
"Thanks for sharing your home with us.
Your pal, John.
"P.
S.
That's not my real name.
" Damn! [CHUCKLES.]
Now what, assholes? You don't even know where to find him.
Wilfrid, you don't happen to keep records of everyone who stays at Foggy Cottage? I sure do.
[PHONE DIALING.]
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- Hello? - I was just wondering if you wrote a story in a guest book involving blackmail and feet? - No.
- Okay.
- [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- [BEEP.]
- Hi.
My name is - No.
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- Hello? - Hi, this is Officer Leahy.
Nope.
Wasn't me.
Yeah, right, there is no way Tim went to a strip club.
He's too much of a pussy.
- No, it wasn't me.
- [BEEP, PHONE DIALING.]
Did you stay at [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
No, it wasn't me.
G-59.
- [DIALING.]
- [TELEPHONE RINGS.]
- [RING.]
- [GOAT BLEATING.]
[RING.]
[SIGHS.]
[CELLPHONE RINGS.]
Officer Leahy.
Did you say the thing with the stripper - had something to do with feet? - Yes, I did.
'Cause I just remembered when we were up there, Tim tried to put his toe up my ass.
Maybe he knows something about this after all.
- Here, grab a pen.
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
I'll give you his cellphone number.
- Hello? - Hi, this is the police.
Did you write a story in a guest book about a strip club? Uh Yeah, that was me.
I found him, and he'll testify.
He said that he will do whatever it takes to make sure that woman's feet never touch an innocent man again.
So what do you say, sweetheart? Do you want to go to jail, or should we chalk this whole thing up as one big misunderstanding? Fine! And you can't tell my wife I was sucking on your titties! - Fine! - You sucked on her titties? - She smushed them in his face.
- Thank you.
Can you assholes untie me now? Get this arrow out of my tit? I'm starting to lose feeling in my nipple.
Hold on a second.
There's one more thing she has to agree to.
This hit, that ice cold Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold This one's for them hood girls No, no, no! No, no, no! Them good girls, straight masterpieces [SQUISH, SCREAMING.]
Stylin', wildin' Livin' it up in the city I got Chucks on with Saint Laurent Gotta kiss myself, I'm so pretty - I'm too hot - Hot damn Call the police and the fireman - I'm too hot - Hot damn Make a dragon want to retire, man - I'm too hot - Hot damn Say my name, you know who I am - Too hot - Hot damn My band's about that money, break it down - Girls, hit your hallelujah - Whoo! - Girls, hit your hallelujah - Whoo 'Cause Uptown Funk gonna give it to you 'Cause Uptown Funk gonna give it to you Saturday night, and we in the spot Don't believe me, just watch Whoo Whoo Whoo Don't believe me, just watch Don't believe me, just watch Hey, hey, hey, ow! Stop, wait a minute Fill my cup, put some liquor in it Take a sip, sign the check - [WHISTLES.]
- Julio, get the stretch Ride to Harlem, Hollywood Jackson, Mississippi We show up, we gon' show out Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy - Too hot - Hot damn Call the police and the fireman - I'm too hot - Hot damn My band's about that money, break it down - Girls, hit your hallelujah - Whoo! - Girls, hit your hallelujah - Whoo! 'Cause Uptown Funk gonna give it to you.
Whoo! 'Cause Uptown Funk gonna give it to you Saturday night, we in the spot Don't believe me, just watch Whoo - Now, be honest.
- Hmm? Isn't this a lot more fun than that bikini bar? - Don't believe me - You knew about that? Of course I knew about it.
I'm not stupid.
- Don't believe me Oh! - [LAUGHS.]
- All right.
Whoa.
- Don't believe me Hey, hey, hey, ow! [SONG ENDS, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[LAUGHS.]