The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s01e10 Episode Script

How many people are here for their first television taping you ever been to? Can I see your hands? Okay, very good.
Now, this is how it works.
Okay, ready? Now, first, you take off your clothes.
No, no.
But seriously we couldn't do the show without you, gang so thank you for coming on down here tonight.
Let me ask you a favor.
When I say three, you give me a "hey now.
" Ready? One, two, three - Hey now! - That's fantastic.
Now, you see these applause signs Or does that say "applesauce"? No, that says "applause.
" Okay.
Come on.
Let's hear it, gang.
- Hey now! - Stay, huh? - I really should get going.
- Jeannie! What a delightful surprise to have you on the show.
We're on in 60 seconds.
I hope that's what you're planning on wearing.
This tie? You like it? Doesn't make my butt look fat, does it? - It's gonna be a hot show tonight.
- Hot show.
- Stay? - No, I'm gonna go.
I'd be delighted to stash her in the green room.
Terrific! Forty seconds, Larry.
Let's go.
- Forty seconds, Marty.
- Well? Better go find some good jokes.
- And now because he owns the place - You know what? - Larry Sanders! - Give Marty a touch-up too.
Thank you.
Thank you.
All kidding aside Well, really, I haven't felt I haven't felt this up since last night.
All right.
So Actually, I never felt old.
I gotta tell you what happened.
I'm watching television, and Gilligan Bob Denver is doing a commercial here in Los Angeles on a local cable station for a boat shop.
And Bob Denver Gilligan is, like, 70 now.
It just wasn't attractive.
He was still wearing the red sweater and the sailor hat.
I'm going, " Oh, jeez.
Well, at least he's off the island.
" Bill Clinton announced today that he would make some major changes at the White House if elected.
He would change In the Lincoln bedroom he would put a water bed in.
Aha.
He's laughin'.
- Yeah.
- He fucked it up.
The joke doesn't work unless he ends with the words "adjustable beds.
" - His timing really sucks tonight.
- He's off.
And running in what looks like another wonderful show.
- Hi, Mrs.
Sanders.
- Hi.
- A very funny monologue tonight.
- Yeah, he is on.
This is as on as I've seen him in a long time.
- Very strong stuff.
- Let's go watch at the monitors by the - Toilet? - Toilet.
Excuse me.
Toilet monitor is busted, boys.
- He's a funny man.
Funny, funny man.
- Yes.
- Lucky us.
- Yeah.
So how's Elaine? She's halfway to her ideal weight, whatever that's supposed to mean.
It's so much fun having you here at the show.
I really do wish we could see you more often.
So enjoy.
Well, you and Elaine should come over sometime.
- Where? - The house.
- Where's that? - You've never been to the house before? Not that I recall.
I have no mental picture.
Oh, God.
Why don't you come over for dinner sometime? - Right.
That'll be fun sometime.
- Really.
Tomorrow night.
Tomorrow? That's very kind of you.
I'll have to check with my better half.
Splendid book, John.
Beautiful pictures.
Wonderful, wonderful.
- Larry, can I ask you something? - Sure.
Your wife invited Elaine and me to dinner tomorrow.
- What restaurant are we going to? - Your house.
Your House? What is that, a new Chinese place? No, it's your house, the place where you live.
- The place I sleep in? - If this makes you uncomfortable I know how you value your privacy.
- Elaine and I can have other plans.
- Do you? Well, good.
No, I think it would be fun to have dinner.
- Don't you? - Absolutely.
Good.
All right, Artie.
- Be there or be square.
- I can do both.
- Honey, it won't be like work.
- It will.
It'll be a pain in the ass.
I'll be sitting on a couch, talking to people, entertaining without being able to say, "We'll be right back.
" - It'll be great! - It will not be.
Oh, honey.
Look, it's just one evening, right? Two people for four hours? That's one person every two hours, half a person every hour.
All right, if you put it that way.
But don't let Artie make these drinks.
They're half salt, half vodka.
Swear to God, the olive floats at the top.
Ladies, I cannot go to the meeting tonight.
What, you have a date? You cannot cancel Sister Circle for a man.
That is such the reason that we even go there.
It's not a man.
It's Larry.
He invited Arthur and his wife for dinner.
He wants me to come as a buffer.
- He invited you to his home for dinner? - Yeah.
Has anyone ever been to Larry's house for dinner? - Not that I know of.
- That's weird.
There must be a reason.
I gotta go, but I'm really sorry about the meeting.
She's getting a promotion.
Damn it! - Are we still going to Sister Circle? - Whatever! Beverly's being elevated? Oh, yes, I remember.
We discussed that.
What has Larry decided? I thought maybe a segment producer.
It's all happening at his house? His actual house, huh? That's interesting.
Come in.
I hope you're sitting down.
Oh, jeez.
I am sitting down.
Well, then don't get up because I have here two tickets for tonight's Holyfield-Bowe fight and I would like to bring you: Let me see 'em.
That's great.
Let me see 'em.
Let me see 'em.
Come on, Hank.
Let me see.
This is These are vitamins.
Please invite me to your party.
I don't have any tickets.
There are no tickets.
Hank, I was just going to invite you when you came in.
Hey now! Well, I accept.
I am I'm very honored and I would never miss a Larry Sanders event.
Half past 8:00.
Excuse me.
And Beverly can give me the address, right? - Beverly, give it to him.
- I told you.
We just talked about this.
Give Shauna a buzz and see if she's free tonight.
- Smoke House? - Oh, no.
You tell her it's a big Larry Sanders shindig a real time-of-your-life blowout.
You tell her everybody's gonna be there.
You know, Darlene, why don't you come? No.
It's been a long week, and, by God, you deserve it.
- I wasn't invited.
- Hey.
Hank'll make it right.
Hi, Jeannie.
Bev again.
Yeah, it's up to eight people.
You better make that nine.
Yeah, why don't we just say ten, and No, I promise.
Come in.
Oh, hi.
Where's Beverly? - She's at lunch.
Can I talk to you? - You don't mind if I eat? No.
Listen.
Is there some kind of communication problem between us or some problem you have with the way I do my job? I'm really sorry to get so emotional, but there is no justice in Beverly being promoted ahead of me.
That just doesn't make sense to me.
As the talent booker, I work hands-on with the people.
That's like a segment producer.
To be blunt, she's like a glorified secretary.
Who said Beverly's getting promoted? You don't have to say it.
The dinner invitation kind of speaks volumes.
Oh, shit.
That fuckin' dinner.
For once I try and join my personal life with my work life.
- I am havin' fuckin' dinner.
Jesus! - Now you're mad at me.
I'm blowing it.
That's not why I came here.
I'm sorry.
No, it's me.
Listen.
In my own unique way, I was trying to invite you to what I believe will be a very fun dinner.
- Really? - Yes, and I'd love for you to be there.
- Will you please come? - Yes.
Good.
Now, please, go.
Well, it's up to 12.
Well, 14, to be on the safe side.
Would you not invite any more people? Jeez, it's my dinner.
It's my house, my sofa.
Right.
Larry Sanders has spoken.
I'm gonna bring my tarot cards tonight and do your wife.
- I'm so excited about your party.
- Thank you, Darlene.
But just the tarot reading will be fine.
Darlene, would you please keep this to yourself? We want to keep this thing small, so if anybody else asks, just keep Hello.
Oh, Larry! What should I bring tonight? Ice? Chips? Salt! - Phil, you know, I've got this - Ulcer? - Party.
- Oh! Right off of Benedict Canyon.
Jeannie, look, I have only one word for you catering.
We have to keep it down tonight, honey.
I don't want Martin Mull to come over to see what's goin' on.
I hate the way he's always gotta know what's goin' on.
- Do I look all right? - Sure, you look great.
Honey.
- Is that dressy enough? - It's lace! - Good! It's perfect.
- What are you doing? Nothing.
You're putting everything we own into a box.
Just a couple of things, like Aquarium Digest.
I don't think they need to know this kind of information.
- What about this picture? - You're in a toga.
- So what? It's adorable.
Leave it out.
- All right, leave it out.
You'll see they poke around like it's some museum.
Then they'll decide we're not as happy as Burt Reynolds and Loni.
That's all I'm gonna be hearing.
Why would they think that we were unhappy? Because they project.
They're unhappy, and they project.
- Sarah, could you bring Larry a drink? - I don't want a drink.
They'll smell it on my breath, and they'll think that I drink.
- You do drink.
- You do.
I do not drink.
You know, I'm the one who should be nervous.
I don't even know these people, and I am relaxed.
Goody for you.
Hello.
Did you clean out the medicine chest? - No.
All we have is - God! Thanks.
Ooh, you're not my beautiful wife.
Hey, hey, welcome.
No dates? - We were having Chinese.
- We were watching Ghost.
Ghost? Ghost is Larry's favorite movie.
- Is that right? - Well, that is not true.
It is! You cry every time at the end when he finishes with his mission on Earth and has to go back to heaven.
- I do not! - It's so sweet.
- It's really sad.
- Really.
Just thinking about it makes me Bar's this way? Help yourselves.
Honey! - Hey, boys.
- Hey.
You two look like you need a Salty Dog.
Thank you.
Kid bartender doesn't even know the proportions.
Just because Cheers was a hit, every asshole thinks he can mix a drink.
Excuse me a sec.
- Is that a Martin Mull painting? - Yeah, it is.
Do you think he gave it to Larry? No, Larry paid for it.
Cost him a few thousand dollars too.
- A few thousand dollars? - That's right.
- It's not that funny.
- Hey, girls.
- We were just wondering how - You and Larry met.
- How you met.
- Oh, it's a great story.
- I wrote some party jokes for you.
- You what? I wrote some party jokes for you to use throughout the night.
- You wrote some party jokes? - Yes.
- That's ridiculous.
- Take 'em.
Honey.
The girls want to hear the story of how we met.
- Oh, you tell 'em, honey.
- No! - You tell them.
- You tell them.
You're better than me.
- Come on.
We met in Aspen.
- That's it.
We met in Aspen.
We were both beginning skiers.
We met on the T-bar.
He asked me out the first night.
- That's it.
That is it.
- No, come on.
What's next.
Then, of course, that night he wanted to have sex.
I said no, so we ended up dry-humping on the couch all week.
- He's an animal.
- That is not I am an animal.
I'm an animal, huh, Artie? I'm an animal.
- Definitely an animal.
- It's a great story.
I gotta pee real bad.
Hey, would you mind using the bathroom downstairs? - Martin.
- Larry.
- Hey, is the noise bothering you? - No.
I just saw more than one car, so I got to thinking - "That's not right.
" - Just having a party.
- I'm okay.
Havin' a party.
- You're okay? Come on.
Seriously.
If there's something wrong, you can I'm havin' a party.
I'm just, you know - Some people over from the show.
- You're having a party? - So it's not like it's friends.
- People from the show.
- Is that onion dip? - Yeah.
Didn't scrimp on anything, did ya? - If that noise gets too bad - You can write this all off.
- Come on in.
- That's fine.
No, you see, when I was a kid I used to say, "Hey.
" And then later, I said, "Now.
" But I never put it together until much later.
- Are you talking about "Hey now"? - Yes.
Because I have always wondered about that.
Which writer came up with "Hey now"? - Hank did.
- It's brilliant.
Really! Have you ever thought about changing it? - No.
- Just listen to this, okay? Instead of saying, "Hey now!" you'd say, "Come here!" Try it.
Just give it a try.
Come here.
- It's wonderful! It's wonderful! - No, it's good.
- It is! - I like it.
That is what you can use if the show goes off the air.
What do you mean, when the show What show goes off the air? Larry's always talking about moving to Montana, leaving the business.
- The show's goin' off the air? - Building or something up there.
- She's kidding.
- No.
Really She's not well.
Excuse us.
- Is something wrong? - You're telling people about our lives.
- What are you talking about? - About dry-humping, Aspen, Montana.
- You were spying on me? - I was standing nearby.
- I embarrass you.
- You do not embarrass me.
- I just want you to be yourself.
- I am being myself.
I will tell you when I am being myself.
- I thought these were your friends.
- Work friends.
Excuse me.
I'm from Chicago.
When we have parties, we invite actual friends and we have fun.
And we talk about whatever comes up.
You should give me a list of what I can't say.
Maybe I should give you Keep it down.
They will think we're fighting.
- We are fighting! - We are supposed to be hosting a party.
I do not want them to know that we are in here fighting.
- Are you coming? - Give me a minute.
By the way, it was you who wanted it in Aspen.
You were going, "Hi.
Nice to meet you.
" What is this? You know that's not true! - It's a toga.
- Must be a white thing.
No, I don't get it either.
It's a stupid thing.
- What the Get out! - What the - What is that? - I don't know but as soon as I finish this Salty Dog I'm gonna rip that camera from his hands and tear him a new A-hole.
All right.
Havin' a good time? All right, all right.
Listen.
- Where's Jeannie? Still changing? - She is still changing.
- Listen, I don't understand women.
- I agree.
Here.
Have a Salty Dog.
- No, I - Drink it, you pussy.
No, no.
I had a lovely time.
It's just that, you know, Shauna's a little tired That is something more than tired, Hank.
- She's overtired.
- Yes.
Yeah.
You don't need to ask my permission to leave.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate that.
The thing is, see, our coats? - Yeah? - They're in the bedroom and, well, the bedroom door is locked.
- Jeannie is in the bedroom.
- She's in there changing.
- She's changing in there.
- I understand.
- All she's doing is changing.
- Okay.
- I'll get your coats.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
You're a pal.
Jeannie, come on.
Come on.
Can we talk about this, please? Could we talk about this, please? Come on.
Listen, don't do this.
Don't do this.
Open the door.
It's Larry.
It's Larry.
It's Larry.
- Did you say something to her? - I knocked on the door.
She was She wasn't even in there.
But she's crying.
She is has fallen asleep.
- You want me to say something to her? - No.
She's asleep.
- I'm gonna go.
I don't need my coat.
- All right.
I didn't even like that coat.
- No, I'll get that stuff.
- Except car keys.
- I can give you a ride.
- That's great! I never put my keys in the bedroom, in case someone gets in a sleepy mood.
- I didn't want my keys anyway.
- It's better this way.
No, it's not better this way.
This is bullshit.
I want my coat.
She's your wife.
Could you go in there, tell her to open the goddamn door? Jeannie? Sweetheart? Jeannie, the last thing this house needs is tough love.
Jeannie, open this door! Five marriages.
Now I'm going downstairs and I'm gonna take care of that sack of human shit with a camera.
- Now everybody knows our dirty laundry.
- This is about you and me.
- All you care about is what they think.
- That is not true.
- Then why are you whispering? - I am not whispering.
It's sad that you think you have to hide our life.
Would you please That is what everybody does, by the way.
- I don't want to talk to you.
- Please come out and just Everybody is leaving.
Could you come out? Could you just come out for the return of the coats? Here's yours, here's yours, and then it's Just go out.
- One of those little Lady Di smiles.
- I will not.
That's all I'm asking from you.
Okay.
One more fake moment and we're done.
That's all.
Please? I'll wait right here.
Please? All right.
So we're fighting, okay? That's it.
What, you don't You think we're the only ones who fight? Everybody fights.
Everybody has fights.
I'll bet Letterman fights with that woman who claims to be his wife.
I don't care what you think.
I love my wife.
I don't care.
I love my wife and I don't care what you think! - Morning, Larry.
- Morning.
Morning.
- Hi, Larry.
- Good morning.
- Great party.
- Great.
It was great.