The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s01e10 Episode Script

Where do you want to go for lunch? My name is Stu.
Yours is Tim.
What do you want for lunch? Now don't bug me now.
My computer's going nuts.
Don't bug you now? What could be more important than thinking about what we're doing for lunch? Come on! Do it! Come on! It's not working.
This H the H is going berserk.
Step aside.
Let the doctor take a look.
All right, just don't mess anything up; - don't change any of the settings.
- No, I'm not gonna change any settings.
This happened to me once, okay? What you have to do and I know this is gonna sound crazy but you have to spill coffee on the keyboard.
- No no no stop! - I can't explain why, but it worked for me.
Just trust me on this.
Okay, you said "stop" too late.
- It's my fault.
- That is your fault.
You just poured coffee on my computer.
I like to think that I tried to pour a solution - on your problem.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna take this to the IT guy.
- Theo? That dude is angry.
No, you just gotta know how to talk to these guys.
- Ahh - You gotta be firm.
You gotta have a firm hand with them.
This is the way "Mississippi Burning" started.
Hey.
You're, uh excuse me? - What what up? - "What up"? Uh, hey, I'm Tim.
Listen my computer is making a weird beeping sound.
- If you could just - You're Tim.
take a look.
- Your computer is beeping.
That's what I said to you.
Now you have to answer the question.
Why are you telling me this? Why? Because you're you're the IT guy.
I'm the IT guy? Yeah.
Right? So I'm gonna swing on back later.
- Okay - I'm gonna leave the laptop.
I am Internet Technology.
- Oh, man.
Napir is Information Technology.
Oooooh! Look at your face.
I bet you feel stupid.
Not really.
Internet Technology is still IT.
It's just fix it.
Just fix it.
You know what? I don't want to get into it.
Just take a look.
I'll wait out here and get a coffee.
Are you trying to piss me off? Who are you, bro? Honestly, you come walking up into my space - It's a shared space.
- Technically, it is a shared space.
- Can you please just - Did you see that "Brady Bunch" episode where they put the tape down the room? This is my side.
Listen, I'm gonna leave the laptop.
If you could take a look, make the beep go away.
- Oh, yeah, no, it'll go away.
- I'll swing back after lunch.
- Swing back.
- Swing on back, bro.
Anything else? Maybe we'll pick up some groceries for you.
Do you have any dry cleaning? This is a lot of attitude for the guys who fix the computers, isn't it? - Fix? - And we're back to problem one.
Oh, boy.
- How's it going, Stu? - Coffee and a bagel.
- There you go.
- That's the way to start a day.
- Nice.
- So how'd it go with Theo? - Ah, fine.
- Really? Tried to give me some attitude.
I said, "You know what? I'm Tim.
You're the IT guy.
Shut your mouth and fix the computer.
" - Holy cow.
- Not in so many words.
I don't think I was quite that confident when I was in there, but - Tim, I'm impressed.
- Honestly, people know better than to mess with me.
- Do they? - They can sense the inner rage.
They don't want to taste it.
- Mad dog's back.
- Yeah, they don't want to taste They don't want to taste the wrath of your poison.
Timbo, dude, you gotta come upstairs with me now.
- Me? Nah.
- We got DEFCON 4 going.
- I'm having a bagel.
- Okay, well Yep? No, I got him.
- He's down in the bagel room.
- "The bagel room"? - Yeah.
Right.
- It's called "the coffee room.
" Okay, I'm gonna bring him up now.
No one calls it "the bagel room," Rodney.
Dude, wherever we are, you gotta leave here and come with me.
- Why? - The boss wants to see you.
- Wants to see me? - It's yeah, about - I'm not it's about your companywide email.
Rodney, I'm not gonna flee the scene.
Keep yapping, bro.
Do not make me put these flesh handcuffs on you.
- Oh, great, Marie! - Tim.
- Marie, you gonna say something here? - Yes, I will say something.
Rodney, please apply pressure.
Just no bruising.
- Roger that.
Squeezing.
- What? - Ooh! - I don't understand why I'm being held.
- Tim, Tim, Tim.
- Yeah? You know what you've done.
- No, I don't.
- He's acting up.
- I'm gonna put him in a forklift.
- No.
I'm not acting up.
- This is good.
He ain't going anywhere.
- Oh, Tim.
Hey, Helen, I'm being held here against my will.
Well, I just wanted to say it was so nice working with you these past couple of years.
- Are you retiring? - Well I assume you're being fired, right? - Right.
- Me? No, I'm doing great here.
- I'm doing great.
- Rodney, be careful of his windpipe.
Hey, boss, I was told you wanted to s-s-speak to me? - Tim? - Yeah.
I was perusing through my emails this morning.
- Yeah? - In the subject heading in between "85% off printer ink" and some boner-making pills, I came across this subject line: "Who's the boss now, bitch?" From you.
What'd you say? I sent "Who's the boss now, bitch?" - You sent this - No no no Look at it! And you forwarded this companywide to every single employee of mine.
It had some photographs in there some JPEGs, as they say - of you and my wife.
- No, let me see this picture.
I can't imagine oh.
- Whoa, look at that.
- No no no.
- Where are we now? - No.
- Where are we? - This is a prank.
- You sent this photo.
- Let me - See you there? Happy as can be - That is some sipping on a mimosa.
- These are obviously fake.
That's a fake picture.
It's bad Photoshop work.
Honestly, I thought the same thing at first, so I took it down to the top dog in IT.
I believe his name is Theo something Greek along those lines and he confirmed that this is indeed you.
There no retouching done with this this is you.
- Theo confirmed that? - Yes.
Theo did.
- Get a second opinion.
- I did.
I asked Theo twice.
Is this where you fire me? Give me a second chance.
- It won't - Oh, Tim! I'm not gonna fire you.
I expect this from you.
- You expect this from me? - You young mope, beaten down by life, starved for female attention - I wouldn't say that.
and contact.
You are clearly just a pawn in the game of a strong woman.
That's true.
I know it's insulting, but when you're right, you're right.
You know, I'm a pawn.
I'm glad this is over.
And let's get back to work.
- Over? Come back here.
- Good chatting with you.
Seriously, Tim, this is the beginning.
I'm going to use this information to confront her.
- Oh, no.
- Tonight.
- That's a bad idea.
- I called you ito see if you, you know, if you had any other shots.
More like this or even racier, kinkier, sexier.
Something at least without the robe, showing, you know, your manhood.
Do you have I'm pretty sure it was just the one shot.
Nothing nothing that shows your junk? No, we just had took the picture and drank our mimosas.
I'm gonna go ahead right now and say thank you, Tim.
- Thank you? - In all the years you've been here, this is the first constructive thing you've done.
Theo? Who's the boss now, bitch! Oh, sweet line, huh? No, you took it too far.
Come on.
Theo strikes back.
Get it up there, IT guy.
- Boom goes the dynamite.
- You're sitting in this room too long.
You gotta get some fresh air.
- Send an email to the company - Okay.
- That says, "Hey, I'm a little abnormally angry for someone in my field.
I sent a weird email.
It was a joke.
I take it back.
I'm a weird guy.
" And hit "send.
" - Okay, um, I hear what you're saying - Please? - Yeah? and no.
- No? - Are you kidding me? - No.
- That'll make me look unprofessional.
You know what? Just give me I assume you fixed the laptop at least? - Oh yeah, we did fix the lap.
- Totally fixed it.
Set some preferences.
Air-cleaned the keyboard.
It's set.
Why didn't you just do that in the first place? Um, that's a good question.
Hi, Mrs.
Davis? - Yes? - Hi, I'm Tim.
- I work with your husband.
- Oh, Tim.
- Yeah.
Hey.
- Hi.
I wanted to come by and have a little talk with you, if I may.
Well, of course.
Come on in.
- You know Keith, don't you? - Oh, Keith and I go way back.
So that's it.
You know, it was a prank gone wrong and now he thinks you're actually cheating on him.
Oh ho ho! He thinks I'm cheating on him, does he? - Mmm.
- With you? Me and you, going at it.
Aha ha ha ha! He's got some nerve.
Of all the guys in the world, he thinks my only option is to have an affair with someone like you.
Ah, someone like me? Does he think I'm that much of a bottom-feeder? Bottom-feeder? That's that's a bit of a putdown, no? You know what? I'm gonna give him something to be jealous about.
No.
No, don't do that.
- Oh, yes.
- No.
Oh, yes, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna bang the UPS guy.
- The UPS guy? - Oh, yes.
- Where'd he come from? - I've always wanted to.
- Now I have an excuse.
- No, don't bang him.
Or maybe the gardener.
Where are these people when you need them? No, don't bang either of those two.
Just let's just explain and stick to plan A.
- You know what? You're right.
- Yeah? I need to do this now while I'm angry.
- Tim.
- Yeah? - Take your pants off.
- Pants? No.
I'm afraid my pants have to stay on.
I've made some bad career moves, but that would that would be right up there in the top five.
- Take 'em off, Tim.
- Yeah? I'm a busy woman.
Let's get this over with.
All right, they're coming off.
This is not romantic.
This is not well, the way most people have sex.
- You seem nervous.
- A little bit.
I'm gonna get you some Scotch.
You stay here.
Oh, this is not good.
This is not good.
Keith, just wagging your tail.
Nothing to wag about here.
Tim! - Oh, hey, listen - You're pantless, Tim.
- Um, there's a good explanation for - Oh no, Tim, - don't explain.
all of this.
I really I really appreciate this.
- You appreciate it.
Why? - Dedication.
You knew I needed more proof, so you're here to to stick it to my wife.
That's not the reaction I was expecting.
Listen, I'm gonna hide.
You just get to it.
You work her real good.
When things are getting really filthy, I'll come in and the jig will be up.
- You don't have a plan B? - Shh, I'm not here.
What would Keith do in this situation? Keith would leave.
That is a very good idea.
- How many? - Let's see.
Uh just one.
- One? - Yeah.
- You're here by yourself? - Aren't you? Yeah, but I'm working here.
- Oh my God, it's Stu! - Amy? Stu, what are you doing here? Who are you with? I am here with - other people who are - Oh my God! - You have to come party with us! - Yes! - I would - Jen is the bachelorette.
- Let's party.
- Party with Stu! Party with Stu-u-u! So what does your fiance do? - He's an accountant.
- Oh, that's cool.
- Yeah.
- That's exciting.
- Yeah.
- Did he help you find the penis hat? No, the girls got together and got me this penis hat.
And they were like, "This one is so you.
" And I was like, "Oh my God, you are right.
" Oh my God, I am so wasted.
- Yeah.
- Girls, isn't Stu, like, so adorable? - You're so cute.
- He really is, like, the cutest, most pathetic little thing.
Like, he showed up by himself at the bar.
I was hoping to meet people here - But he's like a teddy bear! - There you go.
You know, like a big fat teddy bear.
- Yeah.
- With a cute little butt.
You guys, take a picture of me with Stu's butt.
- Good idea.
Get close to his butt.
- Okay.
Oh my God, look at this butt! I just want to grab it! - That's real - Okay, one, two, three.
Heeeeey! Got it.
Oh my God, this is so much fun.
You guys, do one where he's a horse and you're, like, riding a horse.
Wait a second, let's Stu, let's get one where you and I are, like, making out.
- Okay.
- But we're not really making out, - but it looks like we're about to.
- That's fine.
Either way.
- Jen, Jen, do you have this? - I got it! - Okay, ready? One, two make out! - Whoohoo! - Oh my God, mm mmm.
- That looked so real, you guys! - That was totally real! - Amy, this is a different side of you.
- Do you want to see another side? - Yeah.
- Do you? - Yes.
- Check this out! - Okay.
Whooa! That's how I thought they would look.
- Stu? - What? - You look awful.
- Oh.
I look awful but I feel terrific.
- Really? - Gotta go to more bachelorette parties.
- Bachelorette? Amy - It's a place I feel I can blossom.
- Amy went to a bachelorette party.
- Not a coincidence.
I bumped into her and a couple of her lady friends.
- Really? - She didn't tell you? No, she was sleeping when I left.
What happened? I don't honestly remember.
I just remember waking up with a smile on my face and a tent in my pants if you know what I mean.
- I had a boner.
- Huh.
One girl was supposed to post her photos online.
Let's see if they're up.
Here we go.
Okay, there's me by the bar.
- Oh, yeah.
- That's me and the lady train.
- That's great.
- Okay, there's me with Amy.
- There she is.
- That's me and Amy again.
- That's a great shot.
- That's Amy, I think licking my neck.
- Amy getting to first base with me - What? by French-kissing my mouth.
That's Amy on my back getting ready to flash her titties.
- What the hell? - You know, I'm gonna stop narrating.
- I won't say these out loud anymore.
- Is this a joke? No I think it was.
- Tim - You made out with Amy? - She made out with me.
- She's nude in this photo.
Aren't we all nude in photos? - No, we're not.
- Listen, Tim, - I'm gonna make it up to you.
- Yeah? I'm gonna say that you can make out with a woman who's important to me in my life.
- No, I don't want that.
- So that would be - like, my mom or Deborah Norville.
- No.
How are you gonna arrange for me to make out with Deborah Norville? You know, with online You know what? I'm gonna deal with you later.
I gotta I gotta go talk to Amy.
This is insane.
Exactly.
Amy's the one on trial here.
- Hey, there she is.
- Tim.
- What are you doing home? - There's my girlfriend.
- You didn't go to work today? - Yeah, we kind of drank a lot last night.
Mmm, that's what I hear.
Stu seemed like he had a good night.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah! - We ran into Stu.
- You did.
- I totally forgot.
That's understandable.
Photos looked kind of boring, actually.
- Photos? - Your friend Julie sent him the link.
- You wanna check 'em out? - Uh, okay.
Here we go a slideshow.
- Oh, there's Jen.
- Good old Jen.
- There's Stu.
- That's Stu.
I know who Stu is.
There's you and Stu.
Here's you licking Stu.
- Oh my God.
- And those must be your boobs.
Oh my God.
I've seen yeah, that's definitely them, right? This is kind of coming back to me.
- Kind of? - I'm so embarrassed.
I'm not usually on this side of the being-mad equation.
What do I do? Hands on hips? - Tim, listen - Angry scowl? Hold on, let me get my pose down.
I'm gonna go with arms crossed and refusal to make eye contact.
I screwed up, okay? - I'm not even looking at you.
- Okay.
Let I'll make you a deal.
- Yeah? - For one week, you can have a free pass.
- What's that? - You can do anything you want no matter how wrong it is.
And I can't get mad.
- Anything? - Anything.
Huh.
I kinda like that idea.
Let's just get started.
I'm gonna think I'm gonna throw a little ham sandwich on the rug.
Anything you want.
All right, I love it.
Um, what else do I got? Is it weird if I just throw a banana at you? - Or - I'm not gonna get mad.
- These are the kind of things I can do? - Anything you want.
Great, I'm just gonna stick my gum on the wall and get out of here.
So you get a free pass for a whole week? - I can do anything.
- You living it up? - I'm living it up.
- What are you doing? All kind of things.
I left a wet towel on the bed.
Where else are you supposed to leave them? I put the garbage in the hall - Wow.
instead of taking it downstairs.
Sounds like the way I just lead my life day to day.
- Yeah.
- You're not taking advantage, Tim.
- What do you mean? - She's giving you a free pass - Yeah? to do weird stuff with other people.
Like stuff with another girl, or Yeah.
No, she didn't say that.
Listen, I know a lot about women.
I was able to make out with my best friend's girlfriend.
I think I know a thing or two about ladies.
- You think - She's asking you for a favor, Tim: "Help me feel okay about my actions.
" - So you need to go and find someone - Maybe.
- And even the playing field.
I guess if it helps her relieve her guilt.
- It's for her, Tim.
- I gotta think who I'd even approach.
Thanks for the cappuccino, Tim.
- Don't mention it.
- This was really nice of you.
- Don't mention it.
I'm a nice guy.
- Yeah, - what's the occasion? - Well you know, I'm just gonna throw this out there.
Don't feel like you have to answer on the spot.
Maybe you wanna think about it.
You met my sister and said you'd like to fuck her sometime? - No.
No no - Tim! I did bring up something to that effect.
I didn't phrase it like that.
What kind of a sick person are you? No no, I was on a free pass.
Remember? - Anything goes.
Anything.
- Not that! What do you mean, not that? We really should have clarified the rules.
This is not fair.
I'm the mad person.
I'm mad at you.
I'm I'm crossing my arms.
Tim, I thought you would go to a strip club, - stay out late with your buddies - No.
crash on someone's couch, not call.
- I thought we Oh, man, this is a big misunderstanding.
It's actually kind of kind of funny, isn't it? - Funny? - It's like a funny misunderstanding.
- Are you joking? - It's not like it was just your sister.
I had a list of people.
I wasn't targeting your family.
What were you thinking? Free pass when you give someone a free pass, things it messes with you, you know? Do you know how pissed my parents are? - They they know? - Yes.
What kind of sick family is this? You're telling people - My sister called them.
- She called your parents and says, - "Tim wants to fuck me.
" - She told them.
- That's insane.
Who does that? - Who asks my sister that? - Apparently my boyfriend.
- I think we're all at blame here.
- I think it's - There's something I have to tell you.
Free pass is canceled? My parents have forbidden me from seeing you anymore.
What's that supposed to mean? - Just tell them - Frankly, I don't blame them.
- We're very happy together.
- You don't blame them? - Maybe they're right.
What kind of thing is that to say? So she broke up with you? You l yeah.
- It's crazy.
- You guys were such a great couple.
I know, it was like Brad Brad and Angelina.
No, I wouldn't go that far.
- No? - Here's what you need to do: You need to really show her that you care.
- How? - Buy her an ice-cream cake.
- That's - You know, a Cookie Puss from Carvel.
- That's your advice? - And if she refuses to accept, just send it along to someone who'll appreciate it by the name of Stu.
- This is not helping.
- I got another plan.
- What? - A medical emergency.
- That's interesting.
- Picture it: Amy gets a phone call "Tim's hurt.
He's in the hospital.
" - She doesn't even hang up the phone.
- She comes running.
She comes running to the hospital.
She's so glad that you're not dead She'll say, "Oh, he's alive! Who cares if he tried to fuck my sister?" - Yeah, I mean - "What a great guy!" That'll probably be in the back of her mind, but it'll all seem like a little chuckle.
Do I actually have to get hurt though? - I mean, I don't want to - Just slightly.
- It's more - Little bit? - It's just a tiny bit, a nick, if you will.
Something to just imply the concept of hurt.
All right, here's the plan: You're gonna step in front of a bike messenger - No no, I'm not - Tim, this is for Amy.
- It's gonna hurt.
- Yeah, it's gonna hurt, but not as much as it's gonna hurt to be alone for the rest of your life, so step in front of one of these guys, incur some minor injury.
He'll give you the finger.
He'll say something about anarchy and then he'll keep riding.
- Okay.
- And we rush you to St.
Mary's - and place the call to Amy.
- All right, I'm gonna do it.
Wow, these guys are really moving here.
- Yeah.
- All right, I'm gonna close my eyes and take the leap.
And time to get injured.
Get out of the way, dude! What the fuck! Ahh! What happened? - No no no! - What the hell! Awww! Oh my God, Stu.
- Tim, where am I? - You're in front of OmniCorp.
- Where's my where's my hot dog? - I'm Tim.
- You weren't eating a hot dog.
- What's my hot dog's name? Oh, this is not good.
Oh, Stu.
Do you know where you are? - Chuck E.
Cheese? - No.
No, you're in the hospital.
Oh good, 'cause that would have been a terrible Chuck E.
Cheese.
- You're gonna be okay.
- Listen, I hope this isn't awkward, but they asked me for an emergency contact and - You put me down? - Nah, I put Amy down.
- Amy? - Yeah.
- Why would you - You're not very reliable.
- Stu! - I would call my dad but he's drunk.
Even in the hospital, you're doing weird things.
- Amy's on her way over.
- Amy - she's coming here? - Yeah, don't get mad.
- This is ridiculous.
- I took a hit from a messenger for you.
- You didn't take it - I stepped in front once it passed you.
No, it happened against your will and then you were crying.
- Isn't that - Oh my God, Stu! - Are you okay? - Oh, hey, Amy.
- Hey.
- Hey, Tim.
- What happened to Stu? - What kind of greeting is that? L you know what happened? - No, don't tell her.
- I don't know what happened.
Tim, let him tell me.
I told Tim he should send you an ice-cream cake to say sorry Cookie Puss but instead, he wanted to get plowed down by a bike messenger - and pretend to be hurt.
- Tim, is this true? What what part? - You were gonna pretend to be hurt - Mmm.
because you thought maybe I'd come rushing back and forget that you tried to fuck my sister after buying her a cappuccino? L I thought it was a romantic gesture.
I thought it was like when he holds the boom box up in "Say Anything.
" This is pathetic.
I agree.
But whenever you repeat these things back, they sound so much worse than they really are.
Oh God, the pain.