The Marriage Ref (2010) s01e10 Episode Script

Tonight on the Marriage Ref Oscar winning actress Hi.
Gwyneth Paltrow.
Who was Brad Pitt's girlfriend in 1999? It wasn't me.
Our very own man-about-town, Jerry Seinfeld.
I would love to see my wife wearing this.
The only thing that makes him seem gay is "I'd like to see you in this.
" And from last comic standing, Wild card Greg Giraldo.
What's it gonna take to get you back in bed? A miracle.
Maybe he should start banging other broads.
Now we're talkin'.
Oh, yeah.
Up high, man.
Right? It's snow white with doc and grumpy.
But this fairytale has knives, drugs, and money.
Everybody's so happy.
All we do is just look into each other's eyes As we burn piles of money.
We gotta get more people on this show In the middle of ugly divorces.
It's getting a little personal, but yes.
Ah! I'll sleep in bed with you.
Now here's the marriage ref Tom Papa! Hi, welcome to the marriage ref.
I'm Tom Papa.
Here's what we have tonight.
Snoring, cell phones, bad dressing, And a husband who wants to throw knives at his wife.
Ah, romance.
All right, panel, thank you for being here.
Welcome to the show.
So let's get started.
Let's skateboard through the San Fernando valley And kickflip it to laid-back Agoura hills, California, Where we meet the Monroys.
Jonny wants to complain to his wife Emily, But just can't seem to get her on the phone.
My mom actually used to babysit him.
- My babysitter.
- That's kinda weird.
- I was like, 18--18 or 19 when we ran into each other again.
I was like this is a girl I can marry.
And the rest is history.
oh, my gosh.
Pick your phone up.
Just pick it up.
Why don't you pick up your phone? Give me one good reason why.
Because I was doing laundry.
No.
Or how about this? I'll even take this, If you answered it one time out of ten times I call.
For me, when I see "ten missed calls Jonny husband," That just equals one missed call Because that's, like, automatic for you.
You don't just call once, you call ten times.
Point is that you should pick up your phone call, I'm obviously calling for a reason.
But I don't think that you are.
'cause when you leave And then, like, ten minutes later you call me, I don't understand why you need to talk to me.
As it may be a shock to you, Sometimes a husband needs to ask his wife things.
And I call you on the phone, and I--that's-- That's part of life, I'm gonna call you.
What happened, like, 20 years ago? Did wives have frickin' cell phones Every 30 seconds going off? No.
Did everyone survive? Yes.
So my wife sends me to the market To get some type of mild cheddar cheese, And then I go to the market And there's 20 different types of mild cheddar cheese.
Are there really 20 different types of mild cheddar cheese? - Maybe seven.
- Like, really? - Well, seven.
- Really? So I'm guessing one of the seven I'm gonna bring home The wrong cheese.
Really, if you bring home Any mild cheddar cheese that I tell you to-- - Then I'm gonna get yelled at for bringing home The wrong cheese.
I don't wanna be talking to people all day long.
I'm doing kids and house stuff all day long.
The last thing I wanna do is take my cell phone, And keep it in my pocket, and go, "oh, someone might call.
" What am I supposed to do? What if I got in a car wreck? What if I was? If you got in a car wreck, Someone would be at my front door.
- Oh, that's where you're-- you're--that-- You just hope someone's gonna show up at your front door And say, "hey-- - Well, no, of course I don't hope that, but that's what would happen.
So you're telling me if I was on Who wants to be a millionaire, I had one call and you knew the answer, Like, "who was Brad Pitt's girlfriend in 1999?" You would know, and I'd call you, And you wouldn't pick the phone up, And I'd lose a million dollars all on account of you.
So the issue here is do you have To be on-call 24-7 for your spouse? Gwyneth, if you called, I'd pick up.
- Thanks, Tom.
- You're welcome.
Did he just ask as a question, as a "hypothetical" Who was Brad Pitt's girlfriend in 1999? Wasn't that you? It wasn't me, it wasn't me.
1994, baby.
Ah, the good years.
- This guy--it's interesting that he's taking The very unusual step of stalking his wife While they're still happily married.
- Well, what do you-- when you're working, And your husband's on the road, And you're apart, how many calls a day? I mean, it's nice to keep in touch.
And I like to talk to him, and hear how his day was, And vice versa.
But I don't call him 50 times.
- So you--would you go, like, three days? - Three days would be long.
- No.
Three days is crazy.
I think three days is long.
Wait, are you trying to find an angle? Trying to find an opening? No, Greg.
I actually find it quite aggressive That she doesn't pick up the phone.
But he's an overcaller, that's the problem.
She's trying to wean him off of the overcalling.
Yes, but you don't solve it by not picking up the phone.
He just calls 82 more times.
Yeah, he'll go crazy.
Just pick up the phone.
You're Batman and Robin.
When Batman calls you don't go, "oh, it's probably nothing.
" Listen, we perform on the road a lot together, There are always times when someone's got their cell phone, Has to kinda wander off and put the call in.
And that's why our marriages are not on this show.
You have an overcaller.
He's a--just get the cheese.
Whatever the cheese, just get it.
- Yeah, he's definitely-- - There are no-- There aren't 20 kinds of sharp cheddar cheese.
Just get the cheese.
Here's the problem.
She wants him to be a man.
I'm sending you to get the cheese, Get the [bleep.]
damn cheese! Yeah.
Well, in his defense though, Wouldn't you feel a little vulnerable If you were listed as "Jonny husband"? Yeah.
- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
- As opposed to who? - Yeah.
- Jonny boyfriend? - That is a problem.
- Jonny who I'd like to call.
Jonny, jonny, jonny.
Who is jonny? Jonny husb-- oh, I missed the call.
There's, like, a bigger issue happening here, I think.
I think you're right.
Tell me what it is.
Well, I just think that, you know, He's putting himself in the position where he's needy, And it's turning her off.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- But-- - So someone has to change The dance here, you know what I mean? Either she has to pick up the phone, Or he has to stop calling.
- Right.
- Maybe if he stopped calling Then she'll be like, "hmm, where's jonny husband? "why hasn't he called me today? "what's he up to? "this is interesting, it's been two hours "since jonny husband called me.
It doesn't take that long to buy cheese, where is he?" And then, maybe, you know, he would come home.
- It is a little passive-aggressive To just not pick up.
She knows he's calling.
Or she could at least, like, kinda not pick up But send some sort of response.
You know, "can't talk, kid fell in a well, Ha ha ha.
" you know? And then--then later go, "j/k, lol, ha ha ha.
" Natalie, do they text each other? He texts, she doesn't answer.
- Okay, there is a problem here.
- The problem is-- - She's toying with him like a cat with a mouse.
She is really toying with him.
- She's smarter-- - He's intimidated.
She's attractive.
She looks like Shelley Duvall.
Look.
That's crazy.
I know where this is headed.
He's gonna be in the next room With his cell phone and Axe.
"here's jonny husband.
" "you want some cheese? I got you a whole bunch of cheese.
" You know, for me, I'm just jealous That they even seem to be willing To sit together for that long.
These people aren't gonna make it either, Tom.
Everyone's so happy.
You know, he's so happy, his wife-- You're so happy.
Gwen-- oh, look at us, a rock star.
We're all happy.
All we do is we just look into each other's eyes As we burn piles of money.
I'm not the only person whose life sucks-- - We gotta get more people on this show In the middle of ugly divorces.
This is great.
This is great.
It's really what the show's about, The marriage ref on the rough.
I think he should stop calling her.
Just stop calling.
Should he just not come home? - Maybe he shouldn't come home.
- Yeah.
Maybe he should start banging other broads.
Now we're talkin', oh, yeah.
Am I right, Gwyneth? Up high, man, right? - Oh! - Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.
All right, Jerry, tell me which way to go.
I think the wife.
I agree with her.
He's an overcaller.
Just stop calling me so much and then I'll answer the phone.
So I agree with the wife.
Okay.
Gwyneth? I think in a marriage, if you call your spouse You have to answer the phone.
I go with the husband.
The husband.
Greg? I vote against both of them.
Why should they be married when I'm not married? I'm ready to make the call.
Let's go to Agoura hills, California, And ring up the Monroys.
They're so cute.
Hey, guys, thanks for being on our show, It's great to have you.
Welcome.
- Great to be here.
- Hi, thank you.
All right, here's my call.
This is a marriage.
You are electronic Siamese twins.
You're attached at the cell phone.
Things can happen, things can go down, You gotta pick up the phone when jonny husband calls.
Jonny husband, congratulations, you win.
Okay.
Absolutely.
It's okay.
And you know, it's not the 1800s.
When you die, someone doesn't just show up at the door.
- That-- - The cops do, they knock.
Get off their horse and come on in.
"I'm sorry, ma'am Jonny husband's in a bad way.
" - Gwyneth.
- Jonny, first of all, I voted for you, but only call her When you really need to call her.
Stop overcalling.
I think you have a systemic problem here That you need to fix.
And I personally think it's-- - I tell her I love her all the time.
- I know.
- That's not good! That's not good.
Not good.
Not bad.
That's not bad, right? We think you need to play more hard to get.
- Yes, yes.
- That's what we think.
- Say good-bye to the Monroys, everybody.
That's nice to know.
Thank you.
Coming up I would love to see my wife wearing this.
You want me to dress like a slut.
In Miami, "stripper chic" is the style.
How could you say he's gay? Because he said "stripper chic.
" The only thing that makes him seem gay Is "I'd like to see you in this.
" "I pulled some pieces for you.
" I'm gonna die.
And later Jerry's got a new way to handle the hecklers.
Oh! Let's tiptoe past the velvet rope and conga line Into exclusive South beach, Florida, Where we meet the Rodriguezes.
Mr.
Rodriguez wants to keep the party flowin' And keep the action goin'.
What? I would say we dated before we got married About four years.
Sounds good.
Yeah.
Everything in my life is better Because she's a part of it and I can share it with her.
Gonna make me cry.
I would love to see my wife wearing this.
You have a delicious-- you have a delicious body, And I would like to see it out more often.
I put on a bra once, a bra, And you were like, "that's a cute shirt.
" - It was.
It was a cute bra-shirt.
I would like to, at times, dress sexy.
And I think I do.
But I don't want to dress like a slut.
I don't mind showing off my wife's goods.
I was in the supermarket yesterday.
More than half of the women were wearing short shorts And, like, a bikini top.
And I think you would look great like that too.
Grocery shopping with a bikini top and shorts? Are you joking? First of all, it's freezing cold in grocery stores.
I wear whatever you want.
This very shirt that I am wearing right now You like on me, yes? Yeah.
The saleslady said, "it looks a little gay on you.
" - So you don't have to wear it.
- But my wife likes it, So I wear it.
You want me to Dress like a slut.
In Miami, "stripper chic" is the style.
Oh, my God! So the issue here is Should your wife be flattered or insulted That you want to show off her goods To the rest of the world? Gwyneth? Yes? I love you, and we'll be together someday eventually.
ButWould you ever dress that way? First of all, "stripper chic," isn't that an oxymoron? I think it's just moron.
You would not catch me dead in that.
- Cute bathing suit? - Hooker goldfish something.
Yeah, I think that if I were a woman And my closeted gay husband wanted me to-- Wanted me to dress up like a woman to overcompensate, I would do it.
Why? How can you say he's gay? Why do you say he's gay? Because he said "stripper chic.
" And because--and because he's wearing a normal black t-shirt, And people said it made him seem gay.
- That does not--I don't think the shirt makes him seem gay.
I don't either, I think it's the fact That he says "stripper chic.
" The only thing that makes him seem gay Is "I'd like to see you in this.
" Any guy--I don't-- how do you have-- - With the pinky out.
Or saying to her, "your body is delicious.
" Yeah.
You know, you guys are lisping.
That's not fair to do that lisp.
That's cheating.
"I pulled some pieces for you.
"I think this would be You'd look really good in this.
" I'm gonna die.
But I don't think he's gay.
But can I point something out? - Yes.
- This girl is, like-- She's in cargo pants and a t-shirt.
There--like, she's gotta go pretty far on the spectrum To get to the accordion-like little skirt.
What is that? I think it's a wristband.
- She's--look at what she wears.
She's wearing a sweatshirt jacket in Southern Florida.
That's not really appropriate, is it? That's not the most conservative outfit in America.
In Soutbeach, that's like a burka.
Right.
I mean, if you wear something And it makes you feel self-conscious, That's not a good thing.
Right.
And how does that serve him or their relationship? I don't want women dressing sexy in the supermarket.
I want sex out of the errands.
Really.
I'm there trying to buy imodium Suddenly, it's Lindsay Lon's pool party.
Have you ever had a guy criticize what you're wearing? Saying, "I like you, but I don't really like The kind of clothes you wear?" Yes, but I didn't marry them.
Yeah.
And how did you respond to that? You don't feel you should dress to please The man you're with? That's really the question here.
No, I don't.
If somebody says to you, "you know, those--I'm not crazy about this or that.
" Great, no problem.
But a total style makeover? Like, he wants her to be a tranny.
Like, that's - Do we have any back-up on them? Where did they meet? They've been married For three years.
They met each other Working in the same theatre company.
Oh! Wait a minute.
Hold on, they met at the same theatre company, Where he was the choreographer, And All right, when we come back, We're gonna strip this issue down just a little bit more.
Coming up Bones, perhaps it's not masculine In a heterosexual way for a man To be that interested in women's clothing.
Wait, hold on, they did not come on the show To say, "I may be gay, what do you think?" Jerry, do you think he is gay? No! And later I think sleeping together is horrible.
This is getting a little personal.
Maybe he should scream in her face every time she snores.
Ah! Is it okay to say That I'm a little worried about you? All right, we're back with the Rodriguezes.
This is South beach, Miami.
Everyone's more relaxed about showing skin.
I don't care if other people show their skin.
I'm walking around and I see girls' asses falling out.
I don't think they actually realize That their asses are falling out.
It's not that flattering.
No, it is flattering.
It's not a rule, but I've heard this before.
You know, if you're gonna show your legs, Then don't show so much of, Like, your arms, your shoulders, or something.
Yeah, that's for ugly people.
- That's--that's-- - Those are rules for ugly people.
What? Aw.
Can your ass really fall out, by the way? Literally fall out.
It hits the ground, slap, "oh, my ass fell out.
" No, no, no, it wasn't.
It was just some chopped meat that you were carrying.
It can't.
It can't really fall out.
I'm sorry, I was gonna say something about ass tape, And it got all wrong.
What do you mean ass tape? Let's go back to that.
- Well, if you--I guess if your ass was taped up somehow Because the dress required a certain-- You know, never mind.
Jerry, do you think he is gay? - No! - Wait, hold on.
The problem in their marriage-- Okay, they did not come on the show To say, "I may be gay, what do you think?" That's not the issue.
You're right.
Good point.
Okay.
Well, we can't determine that here tonight.
- You're right.
So the issue is-- - Although we are gonna meet them later, so Yeah, I'm sure he'll be thrilled.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Nothing to make a guy called "bones" To feel extra manly Than have two comedians Do women want their husbands To take an interest in their clothes? I think women wanna feel appreciated By their husbands for what they're wearing.
- But if a guy would come out of the clos-- You don't want a guy-- I'm just asking, You don't want a guy to come out of--in the bedroom With your clothes and go, "I love this with this?" Some days I do.
It's confusing in there.
Really.
Have you ever gone in your wife's closet And picked something out for her? No! I don't go in there.
Why? I go in there when she's not around sometimes.
Go on.
It's just a beautiful place.
- Aw.
- It's, like, a little place.
And she folds her sweaters very nicely, And the shoes are--she's very organized in her closet.
And I just appreciate.
Look at that, it's all organized.
And then if I hear her coming, I run out.
And what are you wearing at the time? Goldfish hooker outfit.
I think this woman is super attractive, And very nice, and just a little confused about-- - She's delicious.
Admit it, she's delicious.
I think she's fierce.
Can we move on? All right, let go to the call.
Who do you think I should go for? I just don't think it's a husband's business To tell his wife how to dress.
Period.
Period.
Whatever she wants to wear, that's what she should wear.
All right.
I get that.
Gwyneth? I gotta say I'm going with Laura here.
You're going with her, as well.
- I am.
I feel that-- okay, maybe there's a-- She could make some gesture That would excite him more, Make him feel that, you know, she had heard his complaint.
- Right.
- Wow.
Someone's been through couples counseling.
She should recognize that she's heard his complaint, She should say, "I understand you have to be Touring with your band a lot, but.
" But You don't know the half of it.
So what do you say, Mr.
Giraldo? I'm with the guy that seems gay.
- No, you can't say that.
- I can't help it.
- He's gonna come on the show-- - I should say it nicer.
I'll say it with the guy-- - Not that it's not nice to be gay.
There's nothing wrong with it.
Whew! Do you think she should have to put these clothes on? Uh, yeah, why not? - Yeah? - Yes.
Put it on and quit whining about it.
- Unbelievable! - It's in the bag.
Okay, I'm ready to make the call.
Let's go to South beach, Florida, And bring up the real-life Rodriguezes.
Hey, guys, thanks for being on our show, Great to have you.
How you feeling tonight? - I'm a little nervous.
I wanna know what-- I wanna know what the answer's gonna be.
- Uh - All right.
So do we.
All right, here's my call.
And I think Gwyneth is really making the most sense, Because I am in love with her.
Bones, you have to know who you are married to.
And I hate to break the news to you, You didn't marry a slut.
Strippers would catch a chill in those clothes.
So Laura, congratulations, you win.
Guys, come on! Come on, aw! Thank you so much! Now I do not have to hear it anymore.
- What? - Thank you.
Wait a minute, can I just say It already looks like there's been some compromise.
I see leg.
Yeah.
- I see arm.
- Yeah, me too.
Actually, I think this has worked out in my favor Either way, 'cause I never see this dress.
I'm wearing an Easter So I win for losing.
Bones, this is Jerry.
You know, there's been some conversation here, Jerry, which way did you go? Wait a second, did he just ask you which way you go? come on! Okay.
Bones, there's been some conversation That perhaps it's not masculine In a heterosexual way for a man to be That interested in women's clothing.
Right.
No, I understand, I understand.
You're saying there's nothing wrong With liking women's clothing? That's what you're saying, right? No, that's not what I'm saying.
I understand what you're saying.
I'm saying why are you so interested In picking out clothes-- - Because I'm the audience.
Just like Gwyneth Paltrow looks delicious right now.
See, now, there's been some question About the use of the word "delicious.
" The word "delicious" has been called into question.
I understand.
Bones, how do you feel about Siegfried and Roy? - I was trying to-- - I find it curious-- - Without being obvious.
- I find it curious that Greg Is super curious about what I'm curious about.
- Touche.
- Right.
I know the last time I saw Greg he was roasting somebody, And, yeah, he was kinda going on and on--long hair-- Kind of, I don't know, effeminate himself, I don't know.
Oh.
Come on, come for it.
Come on, let's do it.
Bones, doesn't it take a real man To be a little girly About the clothes that his girl is into? It takes a real man to admit it, Instead of being like, "oh, no, honey, I don't like what sluts wear.
" Jerry.
Bones, when you guys met in the theatre, Was it musical theatre? How dare you? - Say good-bye to the Rodriguezes, everybody.
Thanks, guys.
Thank you very much.
- Thanks.
- Oh, that was funny.
Coming up, More helpful marriage tips.
You wouldn't want the love of your life Being stabbed, would you? Having spent the day talking to my divorce lawyer, I'm all for women getting knives thrown at them.
If your wife one day said to you, "I think we should start smoking crack," You're saying you should do it Because she wants to do it? Yes, that's what I'm saying.
So let's charm a tugboat Captain Into letting us take the wheel And glide up the shimmering Hudson To peaceful, pleasant, Hartsdale, New York Where we meet the magics.
Richie has a dream And Barbara doesn't want to get in the way of it.
We were at a pancake house And it was like love at first sight.
I gave the waitress a lollipop.
And I said "do me a favor, Give it to that girl over there.
" And that was it.
We fell in love.
And I still have that lollipop.
He's my life.
He's my world.
I love him with all my heart.
Give me another kiss.
I would do anything for you, But that's something I'm not doing.
I'm just not doing it.
Why are you so stubborn? There's something wrong with you.
You eat cigarettes.
Now spit them out of your mouth 'cause I don't want to see it.
You eat fire.
This is our excitement.
That's not excitement to me.
That's craziness.
I mean--I mean, how-- - There's something wrong with you.
Something wrong with me? I'm not the one who's doing these crazy things.
You are.
I'm the great Throwdini, The world's fastest and most accurate knife thrower.
Nice.
I think Richie is almost ready To use a human target.
It's kind of hit-and-miss at the moment.
That's good.
Hey, put someone else by the board.
You don't need me.
We're old.
You need a nice, young girl.
Like Krissy.
Yeah, but you're the love of my life.
You're beautiful.
Doesn't make a difference.
You wouldn't want the love of your life Being up on that board and being stabbed, would you? Watch.
I'll just let it go out.
Look.
Perfect.
And you missed.
It didn't stick, baby.
The wood's no good.
Watch.
- So the issue here is the age-old marriage question "should a wife have to stand there While her husband throws knives at her?" - I wonder if--I wonder if during sex, when he's done, He goes "Ta-DA!" He's got to be really good at magic though 'cause they--they obviously time-traveled All the way from 1983.
Hard to do.
- I like that he--he gave her a lollipop and she still has it.
So he clearly doesn't get her a lot of things.
So whatever she gets, she's hanging on to it.
Gwyneth, as a wife, Do you feel a certain amount of responsibility To kind of prop him up and help him along? Well, I mean, she's incredibly supportive of the guy.
But he clearly does not know how to throw knives.
Doesn't the wife have to kind of go along With the guy's thing? If your wife one day said to you "I think we should start smoking crack" Right.
And you thought "I don't know if it's good for my health.
It could be dangerous.
Ma3e this isn't a good road.
" You're saying you should do it because she wants to do it And you should support what she wants to do? Yes, that's what I'm saying.
Light it up.
- If he was-- If he was the greatest crack smoker ever If he was really, really good.
If he was Bobby brown for example.
Natalie, has anyone gotten hurt doing this? It's a low percentage, But there have been a number of accidents.
By the way, the professionals don't call it "knife throwing.
" They call it "impalement arts.
" - So her fate is in the title.
- Right.
Has she ever been hurt by working with him? - He--he did throw a knife at her a couple of months ago And it hit her in the neck And it took about 30 minutes for it to stop bleeding.
What? I hope he was saying "okay, we're gonna do the trick now.
" Yeah.
She's carrying some laundry.
Right.
- He pops out from--ha! - Come on.
Just one.
You moved! I want to see his coach again.
Can I see the great Throwdini, please? Oh! Look at his face.
I know.
He looks like the great lean-dini there.
Yeah.
All right, I've heard enough.
Tell me which way I should go.
I'm gonna start with you, Greg.
Having spent the day talking to my divorce lawyer, I--I'm all for women getting knives thrown at them.
ButBut, uh, in this case, I got to believe that, uh, She--you know, she needs time to work On her Whitesnake videos and everything.
I don't think she should be having knives Thrown at her.
I'm gonna side with the wife on this one.
Having spent the day with a divorce lawyer, Which way out of a marriage seems easier? - Excellent point.
- And faster? - Excellent point.
- You got to consider that.
For the wife.
All right.
Very big of you.
Gwyneth.
You got to go with the wife.
I mean, she's, like, such-- Obviously so loving and sweet to him.
But she's saying, "you know, there's got to be a limit here.
I don't want to die.
" Okay, so you're saying dying's bad.
Go with the wife.
I'm going with the husband because - Wow.
- Whoa.
Maybe, you know, let him practice.
Let him get better.
He is a magician.
And if she dies in the interim, who cares? Couples have to get into what the other one's into.
There's no hope for this marriage If they don't get together.
- Well, that is-- that's the most bizarre, Romantic thing I've ever heard.
Okay, when we come back, We're gonna have Richie magic himself right here, Mrs.
Magic, And a balloon version of Mrs.
Magic On a knife throwing-board.
And we're gonna find out Is Richie ready to be a knife thrower And win the call or will he pop the balloon, Kill his wife, and lose? - We've got knives.
We got a throwing-board.
And we got a balloon version of Mrs.
Magic.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Richie magic.
Good to see you, Richie.
All right, get on the mark there, Richie.
All right, wait, um, I think there's someone else That really needs to see this.
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs.
Magic.
Okay, come over here with me.
Oh, my God.
- Ho! - What? - He's not even close.
- Ho! Oh! She doesn't seem to be bleeding.
Richie.
Richie--Richie, congratulations on not killing your wife.
Winner.
Oh! - What? No.
- That's terrible.
Enjoy your career, Barbara.
Barbara, I love you! - Say good-bye to the magics, everybody.
Ugh.
That was pure magic.
All right, next, let's meet the Capells.
Who are having an issue That's got them tossing and turning.
- She's one-of-a-kind.
Um, God made her and threw the mold out.
When I see him with our family, I feel very--very lucky.
He gets on the couch at night when the baby goes to bed.
That's the down time.
He lays there.
And the dogs get up there with him.
He puts on sportscenter or one of his sports shows And he falls asleep.
Do you know what you do when you sleep down here? You end up going in the kitchen.
You eat all the leftover food.
And you know it because every time I get up the next day And I look for my leftovers for lunch, they're gone.
It has nothing to do with the kitchen.
You're trying to sleep closer to the kitchen So you can eat food.
I'm trying to sleep in a place I can get a good night's sleep.
What's it gonna take to get you back in bed? A miracle.
My wife snores.
She doesn't think she does.
She snores.
Have you actually heard what you sound like? Can you honestly tell me That you think that I still snore? Because I know that I don't snore anymore.
She snores every night.
See if I can catch her in the act.
All right.
Here we go.
Oh, God! [bleep.]
.
There.
I got it.
So the issue here is do a husband and wife Have to share a bed no matter what? You're sleeping with somebody, They're snoring like crazy, Do you have to stay in the bed? - Yeah.
I-I snore.
- You do snore.
- I--I've been told I snore.
I assume I do.
It's hard to admit that you snore, isn't it? - It is hard to admit it.
- Why is it-- Why is it embarrassing? Because you've never heard it.
- And you think it's disgusting.
- And you think it's disgusting.
But I-I think it's-- I think sleeping together Is horrible.
'cause you don't sleep-- neither one-- You don't sleep well.
Do you sleep well? - I sleep like a baby.
- When you're in the same bed? This is getting a little personal, but, yes.
Wait, that's too personal? You and your husband share a bed? This is pretty hard-hitting, Tom.
But you guys are admitting that you do Without even being sure you do.
This woman is standing by "no, I don't do it.
Too bad.
" And this guy's saying "you do.
" And she's not even willing to try-- He's sleeping with his dog.
Have you ever heard the noises and smells That come out of a dog through the night? And he'd rather do that.
He'd rather do that than deal with this And she won't even listen.
"no.
I don't snore.
Get in the bed and deal with it.
" You know what, you're right, he should just-- "maybe I have bad habits at night.
" Maybe he should scream in her face Every time she snores, you know? "dah! Oh, sorry.
That's what I do.
That's what I do.
I'm sorry.
" "it's just what I do.
" - "it's what I do.
" - "I can't help it.
" Yeah.
"I'm sorry.
" Is it okay to say That I'm a little worried about you? All right, Gwyneth, you take care of Greg.
We're gonna take a quick break.
And when we come back, Maybe this will all have been a bad dream.
And if it isn't, I'll make the call.
Coming up, in case you haven't noticed, This man is completely in the tank for this woman.
Look at him.
It's pathetic! She's married.
He's married.
She lives in London.
He's in L.
A.
And they each have two children.
Can he possibly overcome all these obstacles And win the woman of his dreams With only ten minutes to go? - Do you need anything? - Just your love.
It took an hour, but he did it.
We're gonna need a lot of lawyers for this one.
Okay, we're back With the pillow-fighting Capells.
Do you realize that, like, it's not normal For a husband to sleep for two years on the coach? It's a very comfortable couch.
Don't you feel bad about that? - No.
- Why not? - 'cause you snore.
- I--but I don't.
But you do.
Um, it'll start something like [soft crackling.]
And then it might go to, like, Li a gremlin.
I like how he's hugging the Teddy bear.
- He's a lonely guy.
- Yeah.
I think that she is not cutting him slack In this scenario Because I think that he is sleeping on the couch To preserve their marriage.
- Oh, really? - I do.
But how do you preserve it if you're in another spot? Well, because you have all your interactions Or whateverOther places.
- Inter-actions? Impalements.
So if he can't sleep, what is he supposed to do? I mean, he could leave her.
That would be a lot worse.
That's a little extreme for a snore.
Right, so sleeping But if it's gonna start really affecting your life, And you're gonna lie there hating your wife all night And not sleeping, how is that gonna serve you? - She does have that-- that snore upper lip That just kind of She looks like a snore is beginning while she's awake.
Is that mean? Is that too mean? "snore upper lip" is arguably mean.
Yeah.
Can it be sexier actually sleeping in separate beds? You know, people like to do that little role-play, Prisoner-warden kind of thing.
Just walking down the hall.
"oh, who's in here?" "I said lights out, inmate!" I don't think that's what they've got going on.
- Yeah.
- All right.
I think I've heard enough.
And since this is our last couple of the night, I'm gonna pick one of you three to do my job And make this last call.
Yeah.
And you know who it's gonna be? don't do it.
- Why? - I can't choose.
These people are crazy.
I have no But I like you best.
Will you help me make the decision? I'll help you do anything you want.
Now let me show you how it works.
Okay.
You say "I'm ready to make the call.
" When that happens, Real people are going to appear right up there.
- Oh, my God.
- The Capells.
Yeah.
And you got to look them right in the eye And tell them who wins, who loses, and why.
- Okay.
- All right? It's very easy.
It's no pressure.
I'm shvitzing.
I can't think.
There's no pressure here, Gwyneth.
You just have to look them in the eye And let them know that a giant movie star That they probably really admire and love Thinks they're both crazy losers.
So just go ahead and do it.
- I'm ready to make the call.
- There you go.
Hey, it's the Capells, everybody.
Hi.
Good to see you, Capells.
Uh, Gwyneth Paltrow's going to make the call on this one.
Gwyneth.
Okay, well - Do you need anything? - Just your love.
It took an hour, but he did it.
OkayGuys This is very hard because I theoretically believe That a, uh, couple should-- Married couples should sleep in the same bed.
But in this case, I--I'm sorry, Ellen, I've heard you snore-- I saw the tape.
And I think that if-- if he's being kept up All night long, I think he's actually protecting you and your marriage By sleeping on the couch so he's well-rested, He's happy, and he can engage with you in more - No.
- So I--wait.
But can I add something? I think you guys should-- you should try again To sleep in the bed, Exhausting every snore-free thing on the market That you can find.
But if she still snores and keeps you awake, I think you're safe on the couch.
- So he wins.
- He wins.
- Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! - It's not that bad.
I really don't snore that loud.
But I heard the tape, Ellen! I heard the tape! There is evidence.
You have to admit it.
But lots of people snore And they still sleep with their spouse.
- Tell me.
- Nobody sleeps in bed with me.
Even the dogs won't sleep in bed with me.
I'm all alone up there.
I'll sleep in bed with you! Oh! Now we're talking.
Snoring does not bother me! Greg, why don't you accuse him of bestiality at this point? Yeah.
What's up with those dogs, dude? You are a little too close to those dogs, I must say.
I know.
Seeing both of them in your crotch right now Is not making me feel good.
Well, say good-bye to the Capells, everybody.
Thank you.
And for being such great sports, All our couples tonight will be whisked away To the st.
Kitts Marriott resort & royal beach casino For a romantic second honeymoon.
We'd like to thank our panel of experts Greg Giraldo, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Jerry Seinfeld.
And especially to all our couples tonight.
Thank you for letting us into your marriage.
It's worth fighting for.
Now kiss and make up.
Good night, everybody.
Oh! That's one dead wife.
- Oh! - Oh! - My God.
- All right, that's enough! Get back in your seats! It's like a baseball game.
Foul balls go in the crowd.
If only someone with a lot of money That you could Sue had thrown a knife near you.