The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970) s01e10 Episode Script
Assistant Wanted, Female
How will you make it on your own This world is awfully big And, girl this time you're all alone But it's time you started living It's time you let someone else do some giving Love is all around No need to waste it You can have the town Why don't you take it You might just make it After all You might just make it after all - Fan mail come in yet, Murr? - No, not yet, Ted.
- Good morning, everybody.
I'm sorry I'm late.
- Hi.
- Has Mr.
Grant been asking for me? - No, and it's a good thing.
- You know how crazy he gets when anybody's late.
- Yeah.
Is he in there? No.
He's late.
- This the fan mail, Mar? - I don't know, Ted.
I haven't had a chance to go through it.
I, l Chuckles the Clown, Chuckles the Clown.
Chuckles the Clown.
Clown, clown, clown, clown.
- This isn't the newsroom mail.
- No, here's yours, Ted.
How come Chuckles the Clown gets more mail than I do? The morning prayer gets more mail than you do.
- Mary, this is for you.
- A fan letter for me? Well, I doubt it.
It's from the United States Treasury Department.
Maybe it's a refund.
No, it's a letter.
It's typed.
There's a signature on the bottom, and it looks important.
So, uh, what what do you think? Oh, Mary, I'm sorry.
Deeply sorry.
Well, ju Wait a minute, Ted.
It's not that bad.
- I'm just being audited on my income tax.
- Just being audited? That's like saying you're just being drafted.
Isn't it funny how all of a sudden you can get a letter and feel guilty? I didn't do anything wrong, I don't think.
I always say, it pays to have a great tax man.
It costs me five dollars more a year, but it's worth it.
Too bad I'm losing him.
He's graduating and going on to college.
Well, I don't see how I could be in any trouble at all.
I mean, I keep complete records of everything.
l-I keep such complete records, my friends kid me about it.
- What do they say? - They say, " Mary, you keep such complete records.
" - They're some funny kidders.
- Well, I do! I keep the records, and I declare all of my income.
I, uh, uh I what? Well, I declare almost all my income.
I mean, if you're walking down the street and you see a dime, you don't declare that, do you? - No.
- If you're walking around the office and somebody tells you you won $10 in a World Series pool, you don't declare that, do you? - No.
- And if you're walking around your apartment and the phone rings and it's a college student asking you to type up his thesis for $75 - Yes, you do.
They got you.
- I didn't.
You know, Mary, you're the only person I know who bakes cookies for an audit by the United States government.
Yeah, well, Murray said it wouldn't hurt to make them feel comfortable.
I didn't know you could get audited in your home.
So if they find you guilty, what do they do, lock you in your room? Good luck.
See you later.
Hey, Rhoda, why don't you stick around to help break the ice? Oh, wonderful.
Thanks a lot.
You have a date with a $20,000 a year engineer, it's " Bye, Rhoda, see you later.
" But a T-man with an adding machine shows up, and it's "Why don't you stick around?" It's just that I'm very nervous.
I wish he'd get here.
I'd just like to get it over with.
Will you relax? You're making a big deal out of nothing.
- You know how those guys are.
He'll probably be late.
- Uh-uh.
I got a feeling this one is awfully precise.
- How can you tell? - He made the appointment for 8:03.
- It's 8:03 right now.
- [Doorbell Buzzes.]
Hi.
I'm Robert C.
Brand from the Internal Revenue Service, and I wonder if either of you ladies are Mary Richards? She's Mary Richards, sir.
Sorry.
It's just that you're not the way I pictured you'd be.
- She thought you were gonna be old and mean.
- And you're young and - Mean? Yeah.
No, I'm not.
- Yeah.
No! - Come on in.
- Thank you.
If you need to borrow any money, I'll be upstairs rereading the Constitution.
He's cute.
Listen, I'm sorry that I'm almost late, but I had a flat tire and it slowed me up a lot driving on it.
- You didn't stop to change it? - Oh, no, no, that would have made me very late.
- This is a nice place.
- Oh, well, it's not really that nice.
It's very small, very inexpensive.
Uh, it's This is the whole apartment.
I even sleep in here.
Oh.
I sleep in my apartment too.
- You want to plug that in, don't you? - Yes, mm-hmm.
- Well, right over here.
- Oh, fine.
All right.
- Can I take your coat? - That's very nice of you.
- Most people I audit never ask me that.
- Oh, they don't? No.
I think they think that as long as I have on my overcoat that I'll be leaving soon.
Ah, good.
A wooden one.
Well, we'll just get this show on the road now, all right? [Adding Machine Cranking.]
- Uh Mr.
Brand l-I want to tell you something.
- Yes? I earned $75 typing a master's thesis, $75 cash, which I didn't report.
I just I forgot.
I didn't forget! I just I didn't know I was supposed to.
But I want to report it now, $75.
I'm reporting it.
That's really very nice of you.
It's really funny though, 'cause that's just the kind of thing we hardly ever catch.
All right, now, listen.
It's going to be a very long night ahead of us, all right? I want you to sit down, relax, make yourself at home and have a drink, all right? - Would you like a drink? - I'll have a vodka tonic.
Just as soon as I fix it for myself.
- Would you like a drink? - Oh, a martini, yes.
- Martini.
- But I'm not allowed to drink while I'm auditing.
- It's highly unethical.
You know what I mean? - Oh.
But, uh, if you're the type that doesn't mind drinking alone l No.
I, uh A chocolate cookie is all I need.
How about you? - Oh, fine.
Nothing unethical about that.
- No.
Mmm.
All right, Miss Richards, as you probably don't know, all income tax forms are sent to our main office where they are analyzed, sorted and processed by very high-speed computers.
- However, in your case, it was completely different.
- Oh? Yes, yours bypassed the computers completely and came directly to my desk.
- Why did it do that? - Well, you had 18 cents postage due.
- Oh, well, here's that.
- No, no, no, none of that.
No, no, no.
We'll just put it right on your tab.
Eighteen cents, six-percent interest at six months.
[Adding Machine Cranking.]
All right.
Now, let's see.
Do you have any of your any of your records handy? Any All.
All of my records.
I have everything.
I have saved all my receipts, my check stubs, just about everything you'd need right in here.
Oh, I wonder if you have anything in a nice brown loafer? You knew that was a joke, didn't you? - Yes.
- [Muttering.]
Well, I just I figure why spend a lot of money on a filing cabinet.
- It's just as easy to keep them in the shoe boxes.
- Sure.
Besides, that way it's a great excuse once a year to buy an extra pair of shoes.
- Oh, I see.
That explains it.
- Explains what? Oh, well, your $14.
95 shoe deductions under "office supplies.
" The United States government will not allow that.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh.
All righty.
Hmm.
Now, what have we here? This looks like an ice cream stick.
Yes, it is.
I can explain that.
You see, last year I took a lot of YWCA kids on a picnic, and while we were in the park, I bought them each an ice cream bar from the man in the truck.
So I put it under "charitable donations," and the amount is written there.
I see.
Well, you know, I really hate to seem, like, nit-picking, but it's customary to have the salesperson's signature on the receipt.
Yes, it is.
Name and license number right on the back.
- Son of a gun.
- See? That's why I don't understand why I'm being audited.
I mean, I keep such complete records Lipstick, $26.
For lipstick? Well, you see, Mr.
Brand, I work in a television newsroom, and Well, you know the large markers you use for the cue Well, you don't.
But we use large marking pens for making cue cards.
We ran out, and the only thing I could find was a case of lipstick in the drugstore.
Can you tell me this? Was any of this said lipstick ever used on your own p-personal lips? Well, it, uh, was my shade.
Hmm.
Well It says here that you declare your grandmother as a deduction.
- Is that true? - Yes, I do.
I send her $45 every month.
- Is there anything wrong with that? - That's so admirable of you.
That's really nice; however, it's not the least bit deductible.
- That should do it.
- Oh, good.
Then we're finished.
No, not at all, not at all.
I have a feeling this is gonna be a very long, drawn-out process.
We might have to go back six or seven years, for all I know.
Anyway, it all gets very, very messy, and I'm tired of talking about business.
Me too.
I don't know if I could take any more tonight.
Uh, I wonder if we could, uh, grab a bite to eat? What? Nothing.
I didn't say anything.
Yes, you did.
You said something.
I just didn't hear it.
No.
No, I didn't.
Well, I just wondered if, well, if maybe we could have dinner? - Oh, well, thank you, but l - No.
No.
I know.
[Stammering.]
It's dumb of me.
I never asked anybody I was auditing out to dinner anyway.
I'm crazy.
Well, l No, look, yes.
Yes, that would be nice.
I would like that.
Well, you know, uh, I'm auditing this Chinese restaurant downtown.
And they Well, they've got just a terrific Sub Gum duck.
- It's wonderful, if that appeals to you.
- Yes, it does.
Could I use your telephone to make a reservation? - Yes, you may.
Sure.
- Thank you, thank you.
Oh, well, now here comes another first.
Uh, I've really never asked this of anybody I'm auditing before, but I wonder if I don't get paid till tomorrow night.
Could you loan me ten dollars? - Sure.
- Thank you.
Is a bribe deductible? It was a joke.
Murr, have you finished my editorial analysis of the president's speech? Oh, thanks, Murr.
Did I agree or disagree with him this time? Read it.
Be surprised.
Oh, good, we agreed.
I like to agree with the president.
A lot of people are afraid of controversy, but I always say, "Take a stand.
" - What the heck he talk about? - Girl Scout Week.
- Good morning, everybody.
- [Both.]
Morning, Mary.
Oh, hey, what happened with your tax audit last night? - Nothing happened.
- Nothing happened? Something always happens in a tax audit.
Now, come on.
Tell us what happened.
Well, nothing happened.
He asked me a few questions, and then he took me out to din-ner.
- Took you out to where? - Dinner.
Dinner? I was audited once.
He didn't take me out to dinner.
Well, what happened after dinner, and how much of a refund are you getting? Look, I know this is gonna disappoint you, but here's exactly what happened.
He took me out to a nice, ethical Chinese restaurant, where we had ethical Sub Gum duck.
In between bites, he asked me questions about my grandmother, then he drove me home.
Yes, he opened the car door for me, and that was it.
Honest.
- Okay, Mary.
- [Laughs.]
- Is this the newsroom? - Uh, yeah, kid.
I'll take those.
I'm sorry.
I don't have any change.
- Well, I do.
- Good.
Murr, were you expecting roses from anyone? - Not me.
How about you, Ted? - No.
- I wonder who they could be for.
- Why, they're for Mary.
Well, what do you know! - Who's Robert C.
Brand? - Tax auditor.
A refund? So soon? I lent him ten dollars, and he's simply paying me back.
- Well, what are the roses for? - Interest.
- Boy, am I stuffed.
- Me too.
That had to be the world's largest chef's salad.
What did you expect? Did you check the size of that chef? I gotta get back to work.
I just came up here to check out what new loot you got from old Robert C.
- Is this it? - Yeah, it's a candy-gram.
He likes to send me presents, but he doesn't do it unless it's related to business.
How is a box of candy related to business? "Please bring last October's check stubs.
" Mushy, isn't he? I don't know why I'm putting this in my mouth.
I should just apply it directly to my hips.
You know, he has been taking me places and sending me presents for over a week now.
I don't know what to say to him to make him stop.
- How about "Stop"? - Rhoda, I just explained to you through an entire chef's salad that I can't do that.
It would hurt his feelings, and I can't do that.
Mary, are you going out with him because you like him, or is it because you're afraid if he doesn't like you he'll send you up the river to the big house? You know, it is a really weird relationship.
- I don't even know if we're going out on dates.
- Do you dress up? - Yeah.
- Then it's a date.
But he calls me Miss Richards, and we talk about withholding a lot.
- Then it's not a date.
It's just steady auditing.
- Yeah.
[Phone Ringing.]
Newsroom.
Yes, this is Miss Richards.
Well, hello, Mr.
Brand.
"Miss Richards," "Mr.
Brand.
" I don't feel I should be hearing this.
Will you shut up? What? Oh.
Sure.
Fine.
Yes, I'd like that.
All right.
I'll see you there.
Bye.
- Rhoda, I just did the dumbest thing.
- What? I just made a date to go right back downstairs and have another lu-lunch.
[Phone Ringing.]
Snack-O-Rama.
Just a second.
I'll see.
Is there a Ronald C.
Grant here? No, that's Robert C.
Brand.
- Phone.
- Thank you.
- Listen, don't talk too long.
This phone is for takeouts.
- I know.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Mr.
Jackson.
Yes.
Well, no, I know that I'm still working on the Mary Richards case.
I know I have other cases to do.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Well, no, doggone it.
You'll just have to tell U.
S.
Steel to wait.
Uh-huh.
Well, uh, l Well, anyway, I should be finished with Mary's case in about well, very, very soon.
Thank you very much.
Good-bye, Mr Jackson.
Mr.
Brand? Hi, Miss Richards.
W- Would you like to sit down? - Okay, you ready to order now? - Yes.
Hi.
Uh The special for today is the complete - Do you know what you'd like? - Well, I'm not terribly hungry.
- Why don't you just have a salad? - Uh, well I'll have the special, and give the young lady a chef's salad.
- Again? - I eat here a lot.
I'll say.
Well, listen, while we're waiting, we should get some business done, all right? Well, Mr.
Brand, I don't think anyone here would turn us in if we didn't discuss business.
No, I think we should do some business.
Well, we didn't do any business when we went to the movie last night.
- Oh, yes, we did.
I'm auditing the usher there.
- Oh.
Now, Miss Richards, I'm sort of stumped by this deduction here on Schedule "B.
" I can't quite read your writing.
Is this a four or a nine? I think it's a four.
Mr.
Brand? That was me, yes.
Oh, Miss Richards, I don't I don't know what came over me, honestly! I saw you leaning over Schedule "B" like that, and I just I'm just such an animal.
I don't know.
I have never kissed anybody I've audited before, I promise you.
- I've had plenty of chances No! No! - Mr.
Brand.
Robert.
- I know what you must think of me.
- No, you don't know.
No, l I feel so cheap.
Mr.
Brand, there is no reason for you to feel guilty.
- It was okay.
- J-Just okay? Well, it was nice okay.
Miss Richards under "charitable deductions," you have an item about [Clears Throat.]
about ice cream bars.
Mr.
Brand, we've covered the ice cream bars.
Of course.
Okay.
Oh, now, here, this under "grandmother deduction.
" Mr.
Brand, we have covered everything there is to be covered.
Did we really? [Nervous Chuckle.]
Amazing.
Seven years, just like that.
Does that mean that you're finished with the audit? Yes, it's finished.
Do-Do you have any idea how much it will be? No, I have no idea, but I'd like you to know the fact that I kissed you, or didn't kiss you, has no bearing whatsoever on how much you owe, you know? I understand.
That's for the gentleman, and, uh, the usual for the lady.
Where do you put it, honey? - [Knock At Door.]
- [Rhoda.]
Mary, you home? Yeah.
Come on in.
- What are you doing? - Going through my checkbook, looking for mistakes.
Isn't it a little late for that? I thought he finished your audit.
I'm trying to find some extra money.
I have a feeling I'm gonna owe it.
- What makes you think that? - Well, for one thing, I haven't heard from Robert in a week.
- Now, you know that's gotta be a bad sign.
- Not even a candy bar, huh? You know the funny thing? I really I kind of miss him.
Look, it can't be that bad.
I mean, he kissed you, didn't he? Yeah, but he said the fact that he kissed me would have absolutely no bearing on whether I owed the government money or not.
- Anyway, he missed.
- He missed? Well, he just sort of grazed me.
- Grazed you? - Yeah, a couple of times.
Whatever you say, Mar.
See you later.
- Great.
- Hi there! - Did you find any of that extra money yet? - No.
Too bad.
Mr.
Brand, you're here! I, uh I thought you'd come in the mail.
I mean that it would come in the mail.
Well, please, come in and sit down.
Well, actually, this won't take that long.
Well, do you mind if I sit down? The, uh The amount you owe is on the inside.
Please make the check out to Internal Revenue Service and mail it to your nearest district office.
[Shuddering.]
Eight thousand dollars? Eight thousand dollars! Oh, no, no! You don't understand.
- That's your entire income for last year.
- Oh, thank you.
No, no.
This is what you owe right here.
- I can't see it.
Where? - Right here.
[Stammers.]
Sixteen dollars.
And 73 cents.
- Oh! - You don't have it, do you? - I'll loan it to you.
I'll give it to you.
- Oh, no! I'm just so very grateful.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh, you didn't cheat? No.
No, ma'am.
I would never cheat, ever, ever.
I, uh Well, I thought about it for a second, but I would never cheat, really.
Well, I just want you to know that I'm, uh, I'm really very happy for you.
You know, your face doesn't look happy for me.
Oh, really? Huh.
That's funny.
'Cause it's really very, very happy for you, really.
In fact, my, uh, my entire body is very pleased.
Uh, you know, in the, uh in the six and a half years I've been auditing people's taxes, I'd just like you to know that yours is the best.
- Really.
- Thank you.
I've enjoyed doing you more than anybody I've, I've ever done before.
[Stammering.]
You know, that kiss in the restaurant That was no accident.
I mean, you knew that, didn't you? - Well - We really had some great times, didn't we? - The ice cream sticks.
Remember the ice cream sticks? - Yes.
- And your deductible grandmother.
Remember her? - Yes.
- And your deductible grandmother.
Remember her? - Yes.
We really had some great times, didn't we? [Chuckles, Mutters.]
- So, why are you so - So what? - So what? So-So tremendously depressed? - Yeah.
The good times are over.
Th-That's all.
- They don't have to be over.
- They don't have to be over.
Come on.
Please, Mary, don't kid me, all right? I've been in this business for a very long time.
I know that when I'm auditing people, they're just never too busy to see me.
And the minute it's over, [Snaps Fingers.]
it's over.
So, please, you don't have to pretend, Miss Richards.
- You don't have to pretend.
- Pretend! I didn't pretend! I did not go out with you because of my taxes.
I mean, look, the audit is over, and I would still like to go out with you.
So, Robert, I, I must like you.
All right, how about dinner tonight? - Fine! - Fabulous! Okay.
Well, I can't because I gotta work tonight.
All right, no.
You know what I'm gonna do? I am gonna quit.
That's what I'll do.
I'll quit it all, and No, I won't.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again.
U.
S.
Steel can just just wait.
- We have a date tonight, right? - Yes, we do.
All right.
I'll pick you up at 8:57.
Oh, make it, uh, nine-ish.
- [Laughing.]
- I really had a good time.
I really did.
- Oh, I did too.
- Yeah? How much of a good time? - What? - I mean enough to go out next Saturday night? Oh, yeah.
Great.
I would like to.
Wait a minute.
You know that I can't go out next Saturday night? - No, I have to go out of town.
- Ohh.
- Well, we'll do it when you get back.
- All right.
I'm gonna be back and forth a lot.
I'm going to Boston, Philadelphia, L.
A.
, - St.
Louis, Detroit.
- Gee, that's some big company you're auditing.
No, it's a halfback on the Vikings.
How about How about the third? Third? Uh, yeah, fine.
Okay.
Good.
How about [Mews.]
- Good morning, everybody.
I'm sorry I'm late.
- Hi.
- Has Mr.
Grant been asking for me? - No, and it's a good thing.
- You know how crazy he gets when anybody's late.
- Yeah.
Is he in there? No.
He's late.
- This the fan mail, Mar? - I don't know, Ted.
I haven't had a chance to go through it.
I, l Chuckles the Clown, Chuckles the Clown.
Chuckles the Clown.
Clown, clown, clown, clown.
- This isn't the newsroom mail.
- No, here's yours, Ted.
How come Chuckles the Clown gets more mail than I do? The morning prayer gets more mail than you do.
- Mary, this is for you.
- A fan letter for me? Well, I doubt it.
It's from the United States Treasury Department.
Maybe it's a refund.
No, it's a letter.
It's typed.
There's a signature on the bottom, and it looks important.
So, uh, what what do you think? Oh, Mary, I'm sorry.
Deeply sorry.
Well, ju Wait a minute, Ted.
It's not that bad.
- I'm just being audited on my income tax.
- Just being audited? That's like saying you're just being drafted.
Isn't it funny how all of a sudden you can get a letter and feel guilty? I didn't do anything wrong, I don't think.
I always say, it pays to have a great tax man.
It costs me five dollars more a year, but it's worth it.
Too bad I'm losing him.
He's graduating and going on to college.
Well, I don't see how I could be in any trouble at all.
I mean, I keep complete records of everything.
l-I keep such complete records, my friends kid me about it.
- What do they say? - They say, " Mary, you keep such complete records.
" - They're some funny kidders.
- Well, I do! I keep the records, and I declare all of my income.
I, uh, uh I what? Well, I declare almost all my income.
I mean, if you're walking down the street and you see a dime, you don't declare that, do you? - No.
- If you're walking around the office and somebody tells you you won $10 in a World Series pool, you don't declare that, do you? - No.
- And if you're walking around your apartment and the phone rings and it's a college student asking you to type up his thesis for $75 - Yes, you do.
They got you.
- I didn't.
You know, Mary, you're the only person I know who bakes cookies for an audit by the United States government.
Yeah, well, Murray said it wouldn't hurt to make them feel comfortable.
I didn't know you could get audited in your home.
So if they find you guilty, what do they do, lock you in your room? Good luck.
See you later.
Hey, Rhoda, why don't you stick around to help break the ice? Oh, wonderful.
Thanks a lot.
You have a date with a $20,000 a year engineer, it's " Bye, Rhoda, see you later.
" But a T-man with an adding machine shows up, and it's "Why don't you stick around?" It's just that I'm very nervous.
I wish he'd get here.
I'd just like to get it over with.
Will you relax? You're making a big deal out of nothing.
- You know how those guys are.
He'll probably be late.
- Uh-uh.
I got a feeling this one is awfully precise.
- How can you tell? - He made the appointment for 8:03.
- It's 8:03 right now.
- [Doorbell Buzzes.]
Hi.
I'm Robert C.
Brand from the Internal Revenue Service, and I wonder if either of you ladies are Mary Richards? She's Mary Richards, sir.
Sorry.
It's just that you're not the way I pictured you'd be.
- She thought you were gonna be old and mean.
- And you're young and - Mean? Yeah.
No, I'm not.
- Yeah.
No! - Come on in.
- Thank you.
If you need to borrow any money, I'll be upstairs rereading the Constitution.
He's cute.
Listen, I'm sorry that I'm almost late, but I had a flat tire and it slowed me up a lot driving on it.
- You didn't stop to change it? - Oh, no, no, that would have made me very late.
- This is a nice place.
- Oh, well, it's not really that nice.
It's very small, very inexpensive.
Uh, it's This is the whole apartment.
I even sleep in here.
Oh.
I sleep in my apartment too.
- You want to plug that in, don't you? - Yes, mm-hmm.
- Well, right over here.
- Oh, fine.
All right.
- Can I take your coat? - That's very nice of you.
- Most people I audit never ask me that.
- Oh, they don't? No.
I think they think that as long as I have on my overcoat that I'll be leaving soon.
Ah, good.
A wooden one.
Well, we'll just get this show on the road now, all right? [Adding Machine Cranking.]
- Uh Mr.
Brand l-I want to tell you something.
- Yes? I earned $75 typing a master's thesis, $75 cash, which I didn't report.
I just I forgot.
I didn't forget! I just I didn't know I was supposed to.
But I want to report it now, $75.
I'm reporting it.
That's really very nice of you.
It's really funny though, 'cause that's just the kind of thing we hardly ever catch.
All right, now, listen.
It's going to be a very long night ahead of us, all right? I want you to sit down, relax, make yourself at home and have a drink, all right? - Would you like a drink? - I'll have a vodka tonic.
Just as soon as I fix it for myself.
- Would you like a drink? - Oh, a martini, yes.
- Martini.
- But I'm not allowed to drink while I'm auditing.
- It's highly unethical.
You know what I mean? - Oh.
But, uh, if you're the type that doesn't mind drinking alone l No.
I, uh A chocolate cookie is all I need.
How about you? - Oh, fine.
Nothing unethical about that.
- No.
Mmm.
All right, Miss Richards, as you probably don't know, all income tax forms are sent to our main office where they are analyzed, sorted and processed by very high-speed computers.
- However, in your case, it was completely different.
- Oh? Yes, yours bypassed the computers completely and came directly to my desk.
- Why did it do that? - Well, you had 18 cents postage due.
- Oh, well, here's that.
- No, no, no, none of that.
No, no, no.
We'll just put it right on your tab.
Eighteen cents, six-percent interest at six months.
[Adding Machine Cranking.]
All right.
Now, let's see.
Do you have any of your any of your records handy? Any All.
All of my records.
I have everything.
I have saved all my receipts, my check stubs, just about everything you'd need right in here.
Oh, I wonder if you have anything in a nice brown loafer? You knew that was a joke, didn't you? - Yes.
- [Muttering.]
Well, I just I figure why spend a lot of money on a filing cabinet.
- It's just as easy to keep them in the shoe boxes.
- Sure.
Besides, that way it's a great excuse once a year to buy an extra pair of shoes.
- Oh, I see.
That explains it.
- Explains what? Oh, well, your $14.
95 shoe deductions under "office supplies.
" The United States government will not allow that.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh.
All righty.
Hmm.
Now, what have we here? This looks like an ice cream stick.
Yes, it is.
I can explain that.
You see, last year I took a lot of YWCA kids on a picnic, and while we were in the park, I bought them each an ice cream bar from the man in the truck.
So I put it under "charitable donations," and the amount is written there.
I see.
Well, you know, I really hate to seem, like, nit-picking, but it's customary to have the salesperson's signature on the receipt.
Yes, it is.
Name and license number right on the back.
- Son of a gun.
- See? That's why I don't understand why I'm being audited.
I mean, I keep such complete records Lipstick, $26.
For lipstick? Well, you see, Mr.
Brand, I work in a television newsroom, and Well, you know the large markers you use for the cue Well, you don't.
But we use large marking pens for making cue cards.
We ran out, and the only thing I could find was a case of lipstick in the drugstore.
Can you tell me this? Was any of this said lipstick ever used on your own p-personal lips? Well, it, uh, was my shade.
Hmm.
Well It says here that you declare your grandmother as a deduction.
- Is that true? - Yes, I do.
I send her $45 every month.
- Is there anything wrong with that? - That's so admirable of you.
That's really nice; however, it's not the least bit deductible.
- That should do it.
- Oh, good.
Then we're finished.
No, not at all, not at all.
I have a feeling this is gonna be a very long, drawn-out process.
We might have to go back six or seven years, for all I know.
Anyway, it all gets very, very messy, and I'm tired of talking about business.
Me too.
I don't know if I could take any more tonight.
Uh, I wonder if we could, uh, grab a bite to eat? What? Nothing.
I didn't say anything.
Yes, you did.
You said something.
I just didn't hear it.
No.
No, I didn't.
Well, I just wondered if, well, if maybe we could have dinner? - Oh, well, thank you, but l - No.
No.
I know.
[Stammering.]
It's dumb of me.
I never asked anybody I was auditing out to dinner anyway.
I'm crazy.
Well, l No, look, yes.
Yes, that would be nice.
I would like that.
Well, you know, uh, I'm auditing this Chinese restaurant downtown.
And they Well, they've got just a terrific Sub Gum duck.
- It's wonderful, if that appeals to you.
- Yes, it does.
Could I use your telephone to make a reservation? - Yes, you may.
Sure.
- Thank you, thank you.
Oh, well, now here comes another first.
Uh, I've really never asked this of anybody I'm auditing before, but I wonder if I don't get paid till tomorrow night.
Could you loan me ten dollars? - Sure.
- Thank you.
Is a bribe deductible? It was a joke.
Murr, have you finished my editorial analysis of the president's speech? Oh, thanks, Murr.
Did I agree or disagree with him this time? Read it.
Be surprised.
Oh, good, we agreed.
I like to agree with the president.
A lot of people are afraid of controversy, but I always say, "Take a stand.
" - What the heck he talk about? - Girl Scout Week.
- Good morning, everybody.
- [Both.]
Morning, Mary.
Oh, hey, what happened with your tax audit last night? - Nothing happened.
- Nothing happened? Something always happens in a tax audit.
Now, come on.
Tell us what happened.
Well, nothing happened.
He asked me a few questions, and then he took me out to din-ner.
- Took you out to where? - Dinner.
Dinner? I was audited once.
He didn't take me out to dinner.
Well, what happened after dinner, and how much of a refund are you getting? Look, I know this is gonna disappoint you, but here's exactly what happened.
He took me out to a nice, ethical Chinese restaurant, where we had ethical Sub Gum duck.
In between bites, he asked me questions about my grandmother, then he drove me home.
Yes, he opened the car door for me, and that was it.
Honest.
- Okay, Mary.
- [Laughs.]
- Is this the newsroom? - Uh, yeah, kid.
I'll take those.
I'm sorry.
I don't have any change.
- Well, I do.
- Good.
Murr, were you expecting roses from anyone? - Not me.
How about you, Ted? - No.
- I wonder who they could be for.
- Why, they're for Mary.
Well, what do you know! - Who's Robert C.
Brand? - Tax auditor.
A refund? So soon? I lent him ten dollars, and he's simply paying me back.
- Well, what are the roses for? - Interest.
- Boy, am I stuffed.
- Me too.
That had to be the world's largest chef's salad.
What did you expect? Did you check the size of that chef? I gotta get back to work.
I just came up here to check out what new loot you got from old Robert C.
- Is this it? - Yeah, it's a candy-gram.
He likes to send me presents, but he doesn't do it unless it's related to business.
How is a box of candy related to business? "Please bring last October's check stubs.
" Mushy, isn't he? I don't know why I'm putting this in my mouth.
I should just apply it directly to my hips.
You know, he has been taking me places and sending me presents for over a week now.
I don't know what to say to him to make him stop.
- How about "Stop"? - Rhoda, I just explained to you through an entire chef's salad that I can't do that.
It would hurt his feelings, and I can't do that.
Mary, are you going out with him because you like him, or is it because you're afraid if he doesn't like you he'll send you up the river to the big house? You know, it is a really weird relationship.
- I don't even know if we're going out on dates.
- Do you dress up? - Yeah.
- Then it's a date.
But he calls me Miss Richards, and we talk about withholding a lot.
- Then it's not a date.
It's just steady auditing.
- Yeah.
[Phone Ringing.]
Newsroom.
Yes, this is Miss Richards.
Well, hello, Mr.
Brand.
"Miss Richards," "Mr.
Brand.
" I don't feel I should be hearing this.
Will you shut up? What? Oh.
Sure.
Fine.
Yes, I'd like that.
All right.
I'll see you there.
Bye.
- Rhoda, I just did the dumbest thing.
- What? I just made a date to go right back downstairs and have another lu-lunch.
[Phone Ringing.]
Snack-O-Rama.
Just a second.
I'll see.
Is there a Ronald C.
Grant here? No, that's Robert C.
Brand.
- Phone.
- Thank you.
- Listen, don't talk too long.
This phone is for takeouts.
- I know.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Mr.
Jackson.
Yes.
Well, no, I know that I'm still working on the Mary Richards case.
I know I have other cases to do.
Yes.
Uh-huh.
Well, no, doggone it.
You'll just have to tell U.
S.
Steel to wait.
Uh-huh.
Well, uh, l Well, anyway, I should be finished with Mary's case in about well, very, very soon.
Thank you very much.
Good-bye, Mr Jackson.
Mr.
Brand? Hi, Miss Richards.
W- Would you like to sit down? - Okay, you ready to order now? - Yes.
Hi.
Uh The special for today is the complete - Do you know what you'd like? - Well, I'm not terribly hungry.
- Why don't you just have a salad? - Uh, well I'll have the special, and give the young lady a chef's salad.
- Again? - I eat here a lot.
I'll say.
Well, listen, while we're waiting, we should get some business done, all right? Well, Mr.
Brand, I don't think anyone here would turn us in if we didn't discuss business.
No, I think we should do some business.
Well, we didn't do any business when we went to the movie last night.
- Oh, yes, we did.
I'm auditing the usher there.
- Oh.
Now, Miss Richards, I'm sort of stumped by this deduction here on Schedule "B.
" I can't quite read your writing.
Is this a four or a nine? I think it's a four.
Mr.
Brand? That was me, yes.
Oh, Miss Richards, I don't I don't know what came over me, honestly! I saw you leaning over Schedule "B" like that, and I just I'm just such an animal.
I don't know.
I have never kissed anybody I've audited before, I promise you.
- I've had plenty of chances No! No! - Mr.
Brand.
Robert.
- I know what you must think of me.
- No, you don't know.
No, l I feel so cheap.
Mr.
Brand, there is no reason for you to feel guilty.
- It was okay.
- J-Just okay? Well, it was nice okay.
Miss Richards under "charitable deductions," you have an item about [Clears Throat.]
about ice cream bars.
Mr.
Brand, we've covered the ice cream bars.
Of course.
Okay.
Oh, now, here, this under "grandmother deduction.
" Mr.
Brand, we have covered everything there is to be covered.
Did we really? [Nervous Chuckle.]
Amazing.
Seven years, just like that.
Does that mean that you're finished with the audit? Yes, it's finished.
Do-Do you have any idea how much it will be? No, I have no idea, but I'd like you to know the fact that I kissed you, or didn't kiss you, has no bearing whatsoever on how much you owe, you know? I understand.
That's for the gentleman, and, uh, the usual for the lady.
Where do you put it, honey? - [Knock At Door.]
- [Rhoda.]
Mary, you home? Yeah.
Come on in.
- What are you doing? - Going through my checkbook, looking for mistakes.
Isn't it a little late for that? I thought he finished your audit.
I'm trying to find some extra money.
I have a feeling I'm gonna owe it.
- What makes you think that? - Well, for one thing, I haven't heard from Robert in a week.
- Now, you know that's gotta be a bad sign.
- Not even a candy bar, huh? You know the funny thing? I really I kind of miss him.
Look, it can't be that bad.
I mean, he kissed you, didn't he? Yeah, but he said the fact that he kissed me would have absolutely no bearing on whether I owed the government money or not.
- Anyway, he missed.
- He missed? Well, he just sort of grazed me.
- Grazed you? - Yeah, a couple of times.
Whatever you say, Mar.
See you later.
- Great.
- Hi there! - Did you find any of that extra money yet? - No.
Too bad.
Mr.
Brand, you're here! I, uh I thought you'd come in the mail.
I mean that it would come in the mail.
Well, please, come in and sit down.
Well, actually, this won't take that long.
Well, do you mind if I sit down? The, uh The amount you owe is on the inside.
Please make the check out to Internal Revenue Service and mail it to your nearest district office.
[Shuddering.]
Eight thousand dollars? Eight thousand dollars! Oh, no, no! You don't understand.
- That's your entire income for last year.
- Oh, thank you.
No, no.
This is what you owe right here.
- I can't see it.
Where? - Right here.
[Stammers.]
Sixteen dollars.
And 73 cents.
- Oh! - You don't have it, do you? - I'll loan it to you.
I'll give it to you.
- Oh, no! I'm just so very grateful.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh, you didn't cheat? No.
No, ma'am.
I would never cheat, ever, ever.
I, uh Well, I thought about it for a second, but I would never cheat, really.
Well, I just want you to know that I'm, uh, I'm really very happy for you.
You know, your face doesn't look happy for me.
Oh, really? Huh.
That's funny.
'Cause it's really very, very happy for you, really.
In fact, my, uh, my entire body is very pleased.
Uh, you know, in the, uh in the six and a half years I've been auditing people's taxes, I'd just like you to know that yours is the best.
- Really.
- Thank you.
I've enjoyed doing you more than anybody I've, I've ever done before.
[Stammering.]
You know, that kiss in the restaurant That was no accident.
I mean, you knew that, didn't you? - Well - We really had some great times, didn't we? - The ice cream sticks.
Remember the ice cream sticks? - Yes.
- And your deductible grandmother.
Remember her? - Yes.
- And your deductible grandmother.
Remember her? - Yes.
We really had some great times, didn't we? [Chuckles, Mutters.]
- So, why are you so - So what? - So what? So-So tremendously depressed? - Yeah.
The good times are over.
Th-That's all.
- They don't have to be over.
- They don't have to be over.
Come on.
Please, Mary, don't kid me, all right? I've been in this business for a very long time.
I know that when I'm auditing people, they're just never too busy to see me.
And the minute it's over, [Snaps Fingers.]
it's over.
So, please, you don't have to pretend, Miss Richards.
- You don't have to pretend.
- Pretend! I didn't pretend! I did not go out with you because of my taxes.
I mean, look, the audit is over, and I would still like to go out with you.
So, Robert, I, I must like you.
All right, how about dinner tonight? - Fine! - Fabulous! Okay.
Well, I can't because I gotta work tonight.
All right, no.
You know what I'm gonna do? I am gonna quit.
That's what I'll do.
I'll quit it all, and No, I won't.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again.
U.
S.
Steel can just just wait.
- We have a date tonight, right? - Yes, we do.
All right.
I'll pick you up at 8:57.
Oh, make it, uh, nine-ish.
- [Laughing.]
- I really had a good time.
I really did.
- Oh, I did too.
- Yeah? How much of a good time? - What? - I mean enough to go out next Saturday night? Oh, yeah.
Great.
I would like to.
Wait a minute.
You know that I can't go out next Saturday night? - No, I have to go out of town.
- Ohh.
- Well, we'll do it when you get back.
- All right.
I'm gonna be back and forth a lot.
I'm going to Boston, Philadelphia, L.
A.
, - St.
Louis, Detroit.
- Gee, that's some big company you're auditing.
No, it's a halfback on the Vikings.
How about How about the third? Third? Uh, yeah, fine.
Okay.
Good.
How about [Mews.]