The McCarthys (2014) s01e10 Episode Script

(laughter) Ronny! Hey! Hey, Ronny! Why is everyone so happy to see me? Oh, you're drinking.
Makes more sense.
We're celebrating.
Sean just got some good news, but I don't want to steal his thunder.
Sean, go ahead and tell him.
Well Sean's gonna be in the high school's Hall of Fame! Hall of Fame! That's so cool.
For athletics? No, Ronny.
For academics.
(laughing) Wow.
My son and my old assistant coach inducted in the same year.
- Oh, Fatty's getting in? - Yeah.
This is the best thing to happen to him since he died of that heart attack.
Yeah, since he died, I feel like he's really needed a win.
MARJORIE: It's nice that Elaine will be at the banquet to see him get inducted.
Wait- what? Fatty's mother's gonna be there? I might not have told her about the baby.
I have not told her about the baby.
Oh, Jackie! How do I tell a woman that I'm pregnant with her dead son's baby? It was hard enough to tell you guys, and you're my family.
You never judge me.
You're right, Jackie.
We are your family.
Man, I thought I was off the hook when I heard she retired out west.
She moved to Millbury.
It's an hour away.
Way out west.
Wild West.
No, modern suburb.
They have three Chipotles.
Plus, this woman is grieving.
She's been through a lot.
I have no idea how she's gonna react to this, you know? When did Millbury get a third Chipotle? Hey, Gerard's here.
Oh, my God, why is Gerard here? Why are any of them here? They're always here.
Quick, everybody hide your drinks.
Why are we hiding our drinks? Gerard doesn't know about Sean's Hall of Fame thing.
We don't want to make a big deal about it.
Why not? Well, you know how he gets when he's left out of things.
Remember when Mike Mariano invited Sean to his tenth birthday party, but not Gerard? (explosive pop, children yelling) It didn't have to be this way, Mike Mariano! It's always broken my heart when one of my twins gets left out of something.
No matter how old Gerard gets, I still see my sad, innocent boy taking out a bounce house with a fireplace poker.
(door opens) He's here.
All right.
Everybody look sad.
No.
Neutral.
Give me an assortment.
Hey.
ALL: Hey! ALL (sadly): Hey.
- What's going on? - Not much.
- Zero.
- Nothing.
Bought some stamps today.
Used one of 'em.
A little crooked, but I think it'll still go.
Who's been drinking whiskey? - Oh, we have, a little.
- Why? Well, we were pretty jazzed about the stamps.
Yeah, it's a good thing you didn't pick up your dry cleaning.
You'd all be shooting up heroin.
Uh, and also something about Sean Yeah, what was it again? Oh, hall of something.
Oh, yeah, oh, right.
Sean may have gotten into the high school's Hall of Fame.
Really? Or not.
Who's to say? Uh, either way, no big deal.
Want to see the stamps? They're state birds.
Wait-did you get into the Hall of Fame, or didn't you? Maybe.
Probably not.
But yes.
Good for you, Sean.
You deserve it.
I mean wow.
And guess what? You got in, too! (mutters) No way.
Are you serious? Uh (laughing): Oh, my God! It's about time they recognized hustle and defense.
It's not all about statistics, or flash or height.
Oh, man.
This is a happy day.
I'm gonna go get a glass.
Amazing.
(laughs) Hall of Famer Gerard McCarthy! Oh Thank God he bought it.
That could have been a disaster.
The McCarthys S01E10 Original air date 16/01 Please, ma'am, I know it's an odd request, but I was hoping you could help me.
She's trying to get Gerard into the Hall of Fame.
Buckle up.
Look, he was a skilled defensive player, no one hustled more than he did, and more importantly, I already told him he was in.
Well, you must not be a mother.
Oh, really? Eight kids? Wow.
Good Lord.
No wonder you're such a nightmare! Hello? Mom, I know it might not be pleasant, but you've got to tell Gerard the truth.
Arthur, you're the head basketball coach.
Can't you get Gerard in? He didn't earn it, Marjorie.
I've been coaching there successfully for 30 years, and I'm not even in the Hall of Fame.
Are you sure about that, Dad? 'Cause Mom might have some news.
What are you doing, Dad? I'm trying to read a text mail.
You know you can make that bigger.
Nah, this fits in my bag.
Huh.
When they honor Fatty at the banquet, they want me to give a speech.
What? What's wrong with my speeches? You tend to ramble just a bit.
Interesting fact-bees actually communicate by dancing.
I've never been stung by a bee.
Got attacked by a goose once.
Snatched the sandwich right out of my hand.
It was a pastrami Reuben.
Of course, when I eat like that now, I pay for it.
Don't get old.
Oh, right.
Go Saints! I was going off the cuff.
Hey, I like not knowing where a speech is gonna end, or if.
Even still, maybe you should write something down ahead of time.
I don't know.
It feels like cheating.
Well, that pep rally speech felt like a geriatric fever dream.
Write something down.
Hey, guys.
Just told Katrina I got in the Hall of Fame.
She couldn't believe it.
I said, "What? You think I'm making it up, just to mess with you?" Like I'm some kind of a monster.
That does sound like something a monster would do.
So, I was thinking, why don't we all go out to lunch to celebrate me and Sean getting in? Uh Gerard is right.
Let's go to lunch! GERARD: Awesome.
Let's do it! Really? Lunch? What, you want him to be disappointed and hungry? Maybe you're the monster.
(laughs) And I tell the guy, "I don't care how much the suit costs.
You only get into the Hall of Fame once.
" Or sometimes not at all.
Hey, it's Charlie Ellis.
Charlie! No.
What are you doing? Don't call him over here.
Ma, he's the athletic director.
I want to thank him.
Oh, table's a little wobbly.
We should probably go.
- Hey, Coach.
- Hey, Charlie.
So, I guess some, uh, congratulations are in order.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Is Fatty's mom definitely going to the banquet? - Yeah, she is.
- Damn it.
I bet she's a sweet lady, right? You kidding? She's a tough old bird.
I bet she's fun when she's surprised, though.
Oh, no.
I remember one time Got it.
Fun when she's surprised.
Thanks, Charlie.
So, you've obviously got a case of the got-to-goes, so, get going, cowboy! Oh, wait, Charlie.
Uh, any time limit on the speeches? No, no, no.
Sean can talk as long as he likes.
What about me? What about you? I mean, am I crazy? It's like eating in an earthquake.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You under the impression that you're gonna give a speech? Oh, look, Charlie, your kids just got their appetizers.
Go join 'em.
Those aren't my kids.
Ooh, scandal.
We won't tell.
Bye-bye.
Ma, why was Charlie acting like Sean was the only one who got in? I Oh, oh, look at that.
Look at that.
Oh, look at this, like wobbled off the table.
Let's go eat at home.
Wait.
What's going on? Gerard you didn't get into the Hall of Fame.
You all lied to me? Oh, God.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't want you to feel left out.
So instead, you let me walk around humiliating myself? Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Ma's right.
This is a little wobbly.
Gerard, I am so sorry.
I don't know what I did to give you the impression that you were in the Hall of Fame.
Anyway, call me back so we can get to the bottom of this strange mystery.
Stop leaving him crazy phone mails.
You're gonna fill up his whole cassette.
And we'll have to go back in time to get a new one.
Dad, what is all that? My speech for Fatty.
I took Ronny's advice, and I wrote down some of my thoughts.
Looks like you wrote down all of your thoughts.
Since birth.
Take a look, wise guy, and let me know what you think.
Here, everyone take a chapter.
Mine starts with why every man should own a handkerchief and a shoehorn.
Mine appears to be a lukewarm review of the movie War Horse.
I got the goose attack story again.
Dad, just speak from the heart about Fatty, and cut everything else.
Especially this part where you rant against the government.
We're gonna get audited.
(door opens) Hello, liars.
You're still mad? Yes, I am.
I'm mad that you lied to me.
I'm sorry.
I love too hard.
It's my one weakness.
And I'm mad at the rest of you for going along with it.
But mostly, I'm mad at myself for even caring about it.
I mean, who needs the stupid Hall of Fame? It's just a popularity contest, anyway.
Well, it is also based on being a great player.
Whoa.
What are you saying? I wasn't a great player? You were pretty good.
Pretty good? Let's go to the cinema! In a sec, Ma.
We're in the middle of an awkward conversation.
Okay, maybe back then you might have been better.
But right now I bet I could take you.
I don't think so, Gerard.
Let's play right now.
What are you afraid of? Spiders.
I'm gonna beat you.
This isn't high school anymore.
I'm in great shape.
You got old.
You're twins.
You're exactly the same age.
He's two minutes older than me, and those two minutes have not been kind.
Come on.
Backyard.
Right now.
I'm gonna kick your ass into next week.
Oh, yeah? Well, I say we're gonna play hard and fair and see who the best player is.
Suck on that.
Well, Sean's not getting into the Trash Talk Hall of Fame.
But Gerard's fired up.
This game might be interesting.
That game was not interesting.
Congrats, Sean.
You're better at basketball.
You know it, I know it, everyone on Jackie's Instagram knows it.
I'm sorry.
I hadn't posted in a while.
I hope you're happy now.
You know what? I'm not happy.
- Why not? - Gerard, I might be better at basketball, but you're better at every other thing.
Oh, so you Wait, what's this now? You got a girlfriend.
I'm single.
You're a teacher.
I'm a sub.
You have luxurious hair.
I have somewhat of a helmet.
And now I'm finally gonna get an award for the one thing that I did well 20 years ago, and you had to ruin that for me? Thanks a lot.
I'm going home.
Sean, no, wait.
So now that one's got feelings? You people are exhausting.
(low, indistinct conversation) (quietly): Sean is still mad.
Gerard's not even here.
I feel terrible.
I really messed this up, didn't I? - Mm.
- You're right.
I shouldn't beat myself up.
Thanks, Ronny.
I've had mop water that tastes better than this.
Oh, she seems fun.
That's Fatty's mom.
Oh, she seems fun.
I can't tell her, Ronny.
Sure you can.
Even if she doesn't react well, ultimately she'll be okay with it.
It's not just her.
Then what is it? I just wish this wasn't the story of how my baby came to be.
Once upon a time, I had a one-night stand in the back of a Mazda with a guy who died two weeks later.
The end.
Hey, the dad died in The Lion King.
They made a film and a musical out of that.
I didn't love the musical.
Puppets take me out of things.
But the songs were - Ronny - Okay, right.
My other point is that for Fatty's mom, you can dress up the story a little.
Maybe it wasn't a one-night stand.
Maybe it was a budding relationship.
Oh, that's romantic.
Oh, that really works.
- See? - (laughs) Great picture.
Yeah, it's like he's still here with us.
Really? How so? How is he still here with us? No, I meant Mrs.
McFadden, I don't know if you remember us.
I'm Ronny McCarthy, Arthur's son.
No? Okay.
(clears his throat) Anyway, this is my sister Jackie.
Well your parents must be very happy that you're both still living.
Are we done? - Yes.
- No.
Jackie and Fatty were actually close.
You were? Very close.
We had a budding romance.
- Really? - Yeah.
He was a great guy.
He sure was.
I only wish we had something more to remember him by.
Well, we don't.
Anyway, better go find my seat.
Why didn't you tell her? I couldn't find my opening.
Really? That wasn't an opening? What were you hoping for? "Anyone carrying Fatty's baby raise your hand"? Excuse me.
(both gasp) They want me to speak about Fatty.
But as you can see, I'm already very emotional.
Clearly.
But as you and he were so close, I'd like to ask you to speak about Fatty instead.
Oh boy.
I'm honored Great.
I'll let them know.
Good evening.
I'm Athletic Director Charlie Ellis.
Now, before we start tonight's ceremony, I- I want to clear one thing up.
There is no truth to the rumors of steroid use by our Lady Saints.
They are athletic gals who play clean volleyball.
All right.
With that unpleasantness behind us, I'd like to introduce our first inductee.
Sean McCarthy, who Wait! Wait.
He came! He came in dramatic fashion.
I've got something to say if that's alright with you.
Well, it's not.
But you've already taken the microphone, so Thanks, Chuck.
Sean McCarthy was, and still is, an incredible basketball player.
But more importantly, he's an incredible brother.
He deserves this.
And the Hall of Fame is lucky to have him.
Seems that's something they could've worked out in private.
But there you go.
Anyway, without further ado Now, I need this.
Oh, good.
Further ado.
I would like to introduce all of you to a very brave young man named Gerard McCarthy.
Do you know why he is so brave? Not really.
He came here tonight and courageously spoke to a group that didn't think to include him.
He wasn't even a starter.
Charlie, please.
This is Gerard's moment.
No, actually it's not.
You see here Well, to me, it is.
Sean may have been the one to get into your stupid little Hall of Fame.
We're very proud of you, Sean.
Thanks, Ma.
But tonight, I'm proud of Gerard, too.
What the? Mike Mariano's being inducted? Well, time permitting.
Mike, could you stand up, please? Who invites only one twin to a birthday party? Shame on you! Anyway, before I get us off track this is Sean's night.
Sean, get up here.
Thank you, Charlie, for that warm introduction.
Okay, now a special treat: a McCarthy who's actually scheduled to speak.
Arthur McCarthy will honor our beloved assistant coach, the late Edgar "Fatty" McFadden.
Remember, Dad, brief.
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we honor Fatty McFadden, a great assistant coach.
Thank you.
Thanks, Ronny.
I made some cuts.
Could not tell.
It was such a blur.
Did I mention he was assistant coach? You opened and closed with that.
Well, thank you, Arthur, for giving us back some of the time your family took.
Now, to speak on behalf of, uh, Fatty's mother Elaine, I'd like to bring up another McCarthy.
Uh, Jackie, would you mind coming up? And those of you who are playing McCarthy Bingo, you can cover your Jackie square now.
Fatty and I had a powerful connection.
I will always have fond memories of our time together.
And a baby.
There will be no follow-up questions.
Thank you.
What did you say? No follow up questions? Are you having my son's baby? Yes.
This is what I didn't get from The Lion King.
SEAN: Hey! Where you been? I want to thank you for saying all that nice stuff.
I meant every word of it.
I also got you this.
Whoa-oh-oh! Wow! Yeah.
It's the game-winning shot you made at Hyde Park.
There's you sitting on the bench smiling.
Did you Photoshop that smile? Yup.
Also covered up a rude gesture I was making.
Is that why you're holding a pineapple? I'm not great at Photoshop.
I like it.
It's whimsical.
Thanks, buddy.
Well, it all worked out.
We all grew and we all moved on.
Am I responsible? - Yes.
- Totally.
Who knows? We all moved on.
- Marjorie? - All right, fine.
Gerard, I'm sorry.
It's just that I always want life to be fair for you two.
And I never want either one of you to have less than the other one.
Ma, I appreciate that, but we're grown-ups now.
I know that.
Ooh! Mini cupcakes.
May I have one, Ma? Yes, but be sure that Gerard has one, too.
Or not.
What do I care? Grow up already! Time for a toast.
To this family.
I think he's done.