The Millers (2013) s01e10 Episode Script

Damn, these tights are cutting me a new butt crack.
Got to say, I'm actually uncomfortable with how comfortable I am in these things.
I mean, come on.
Look, my calves look amazing.
I ought to wear these when I put the angel on top of the tree, huh? So you and your family looking forward to Christmas? I don't know.
I don't know what it's gonna be like this year.
My parents are divorced, I'm divorced, my DVR recorded Frosty the Snowman in Spanish.
Just everything is everything's off.
- Right.
- How about you? You going to Atlantic City? Man, it wouldn't be the holidays if I didn't have pai gow poker chips in one hand and a comped eggnog in another.
Hey, guys.
Anyone else's elf pants just crawling up their ass? Oh, right here! I can almost taste mine.
Mm.
Nathan, merry Christmas.
Oh, wow.
I didn't, uh, realize we were doing gifts this year.
You know what threw me off was our bitter divorce.
Come on.
We're past all that.
I just saw this, and it made me think of our old tradition.
The one where we exchange pajamas, not the one where you, uh, stuffed my stocking.
See you outside, Saint Nips.
Ow! That's my spot! Uh-oh, I know what this is.
What? Single girl flying solo for the holidays buys her ex a gift.
That girl is Christmas horny.
Shut up.
He could be right, Miller.
Ray is overreacting, Booms, okay? Trust me, Janice does not want to get back together.
Oh, I didn't say she wanted to get back together.
I said she was Christmas horny.
And if you two guys have sex, it's gonna be drama all over again around here.
No, don't let that happen, Miller.
This was not a very pleasant work environment after that divorce.
Oh, come on.
We always kept it very professional.
Really? Because I seem to remember breaking up a spit fight in the parking lot.
You both lost your dignity.
And I lost a very nice suede jacket.
Not an easy item to find in a boy's husky.
Hey.
I just put Mikayla's present under the tree.
She's gonna freak.
I got her a Surface tablet.
I don't know what that is, but she's not gonna like it any more than the Walkman cassette player I got her.
I had to go to 15 stores before I found one.
Must be really popular this year.
It's-it's a computer tablet, Mom.
Yeah, you know, like the one she was playing with at the mall.
Oh, that.
I'm not a big fan of anything that has more answers than me.
Plus, she started at it hypnotized for 90 minutes.
It was like your father with the Lane Bryant catalog.
Oh, Mom, your phone's ringing.
Hey, it's Grandma.
Oh, great.
The woman starts talking the second she stops dialing.
When I pick up, she'll be in the middle of a conversation I can't get out of.
so the whole thing blew up, and now we have no heat.
I told your idiot father not to buy that fish tank.
Anyway, we should be there tomorrow.
Y-You're coming here for Christmas? How? Dad's not even able to get around.
Bud, pick up the phone! Hello? Hi, Dad.
Hey, I got two new knees titanium.
Look at this, look at this.
She can't see ya, ya numbskull.
She's on the phone.
They're like new.
Yesterday, I stepped over a puddle.
That-That's great to hear.
Did I tell you, yesterday, I stepped over a puddle? Bud, hang up the phone! Carol, since your father can drive again, we'll be up there to see you for Christmas.
Mom, listen, I-I'm not so sure No, tell me tomorrow, Carol.
You're running up my phone bill and you're boring me.
Bye! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! My parents are coming for Christmas! Oh, no, no, no, no, no! We have work to do.
Put on your socks with treads.
I'll dig out the family pictures.
Hey, what the hell's going on? We have to make it look like your father and I still live here.
Mother knows I would never put up these tacky mall kiosk ornaments.
I mean, who is Little Wayne, and why is he looking for a ho-ho-ho? Whoa-whoa-whoa, Debbie, what day is trash pickup? Thursday.
Oh, thank goodness.
I'm getting my wedding ring.
For three months, I've been trying to shoot it from across the room into the trash can.
Wouldn't you know, this is the week I finally got the shot.
W-Wait-wait a second.
You haven't told Grandma yet that you two are split up? I can't.
Her neighbor Judy has been divorced for 40 years, and my mother still silently boos her when she takes communion.
Mom, I need to point out what a hypocrite you're being.
Because when I lied to you about my divorce, you grounded me for three months.
Which ended yesterday, by the way.
So I'd appreciate it if I could get my Xbox back.
I got the ring.
And who threw away the Lane Bryant catalog? Dad, I can't believe you're going along with this.
Why? I can't have Blanche banning me from her lake house.
It's so beautiful.
You wouldn't believe how many stars you can see.
Last year, I saw Linda Ronstadt at the bait shop.
Hold on just a second.
I'm confused.
If they still think you're married, why would you still live at this house? Yeah, they know that you moved to Myrtle Beach ten years ago.
We all visited at the same time.
I was on Grandma's sunscreen duty.
Felt like I was massaging damp corduroy.
About a month ago, my mother sent candied pecans down to Myrtle Beach, and they got returned.
When she called, I panicked.
I told her we moved back to Virginia to help Debbie while Adam was in rehab.
Rehab? Adam doesn't even eat sugar, let alone drink.
It was for heroin.
Oh, come on! It's a tangled web, honey, and we're all in it.
Nathan, you're gonna have to call Janice and get her over here tomorrow.
What? I didn't tell her about your divorce either.
Mother would kill me if she knew I let my son give up on his marriage.
Mom, I'm not gonna spend my Christmas lying.
Hey.
Uh-oh.
Carol, what are we gonna do about the kids? She's not gonna be able to keep up with the lies.
Carol? Merry Christmas, honey.
Your uncle gave you a computer tableau.
Cool! I don't even need to say any more.
She's already in a trance.
But she'll come up for air around New Year's.
Mom, I'm not doing this.
You're not gonna ruin my family's Christmas by forcing us all to tell lies.
Wait, what lies? She told my grandma you were addicted to heroin.
That's not very Christmasy.
Well, don't worry about it, because we're not playing along.
Yeah, me, neither.
You made your bed, Mom, now you can lie in it.
Oh, really? Really? Mom's in a jam, but she's made her bed? What about all the beds you people have made over the years? That summer when you gave yourself the home perm.
Did I say, "Nathan, you made your bed"" or did I send you to clown school for three weeks until it settled into a wave? And, Debbie, when you wet your pants at your school talent show, who pulled the fire alarm so your sorority sisters wouldn't find out? Year after year, I've cleaned up after your messes.
And when Christmas rolls around, do I put you on the naughty list? No, I make sure that your Christmases are magical.
And now, this one year, when Mom's in a jam and needs your help, you have the nerve to tell her she's made her bed and there'll be no Christmas?! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! And so that son of a gun had the nerve to ride our tail for 15 miles.
So, finally, at a red light, I get out of the car and I say, "Listen, Officer, turn off those damn flashing lights.
" And I bet Dad wasn't even speeding.
No.
But it seems that we were dragging a bicycle for a few miles.
Watch this.
See that puddle? Yeah.
Presto, right over it.
Look at you, Grandpa, you're like the Evel Knievel of kitchen spills.
So, Nathan, you and Janice are coming up on an anniversary.
Yeah, yeah, four, uh, four years.
What are you supposed to get at four? Is it, uh, chairs or personal space or Oh, no, four is four is linen.
And we're gonna have to get new sheets for our bed 'cause the ones we have are all - worn out, huh? - Oh! I wish your diaphragm would wear out.
You know, when you wait so long to make babies, it's more likely that they'll be cross-eyed or foggy-headed.
So, Adam, how's rehab? Did you see Lindsay Lohan in there? I like her.
She's got spunk.
No, no celebrities.
It's just me and my other heroin addict friends.
Mm.
I know what it's like to be addicted.
My friend Alice got me hooked on her grandson's ADD meds.
I made a quilt as long as my driveway.
Uh, tell me something.
Why'd I come in here again? Yeah, you smelled muffins, Grandpa.
Do you know what? Why don't you take some out to everybody? Oh, fabulous.
Smell good.
What are they, muffins? Who wants to see my new knees? We've moved on from the knees, Bud.
If you want to show them off some more, go dance around in traffic.
Ah, the familiar banter of a long-lasting marriage.
Marriage is a beautiful thing, but it's damn hard.
I said go dance in traffic, Bud.
It takes strength to stay married, but you have to.
God doesn't want us to be And we don't want to either, right? Right, Mother.
W-We don't want that.
None of us want that.
Oh, Janice, Grandma wants a baby, but she doesn't want to see us make it right in front of her.
Mmm! Smells like someone's making some muffins.
I'm gonna go in the kitchen and get me one.
Here, hold this.
Come on, Ray.
Pick up, pick up, pick up, man.
Ni hao, Nate! I'm up $38,000! Whoop, I'm even.
Look, Ray, I am in big trouble here, man.
Janice is here, in the house.
My mom invited her.
Janice is spending Christmas with you? I'm gone 12 hours! How did this happen? Look, long insane story short, my mom is making Janice and me pretend that we're still married in front of my grandparents.
And she looks good, man.
The only way to stop myself from getting aroused is to look at my grandma, and that's weird.
I'm scared, Ray.
I'm scared that I'm Christmas horny.
Damn it, Nate! I know, I know, I know.
Look, I need help, man.
I am losing control! I mean, my mind is going places.
I mean, maybe I'm more than Christmas horny.
Maybe this is a sign that Janice and I need to get back together.
So? There's a sign right in front of me that says, "No talking on cell phones"".
Signs don't mean a damn thing, Nate! Nate, honey, you need help down there? Is that Janice? Did she just call you "honey"? Well, you have definitely got my vote, Congressman.
Stay strong, Nate! Oh, my God, don't leave me alone up there like that.
Your grandfather keeps asking me to lay down so he can step over me.
Listen, uh, thanks again for doing this.
Yeah, truth is, I didn't really have much else going on.
I was probably just gonna drink a pint of vodka, then unwrap the gift I wrapped for myself, which was just more vodka.
So Not a great time of year to be single.
No, no, it's not.
It's not.
Oh, by the way, while we're on that subject, I just want to be clear that I'm not sending you any mixed signals about why I asked you to do this.
What do you mean? Well, I just think it would be dangerous for us to, you know deck each other's halls.
Jingle each other's bells, you know? - Uh, trim each other's trees - I got it, I got it.
- I got it after the first one.
- You got it.
Yeah, you got it.
Oh, Nathan, grow up.
I do not want to have sex with you.
Is that why you were so jumpy upstairs? Oh, come on, Janice, you were all over me.
Oh, my God, you're so full of yourself.
You asked me to come over and pretend to be married to you.
I mean, what am I supposed to do? Well, what about at work the other day? You squeezed my nipple, and you know about my sweet spot.
Okay, fine.
I I did purposely tweak your sweet spot.
And maybe I thought about having sex with you for, like, half a second.
But, you know, it's Christmas.
I was lonely.
Yeah, it crossed my mind, too.
What is it with us? We either want to kill each other or have sex with each other.
There's got to be an in-between.
Yeah, I think it's called friendship.
Friendship.
What would we do, text each other all the time and secretly wish the other one gains weight? That's what me and Ray do.
Hey, you know what our first friend activity could be? It's something we really enjoyed when we were married.
I doubt the Clinique counter's open on Christmas.
No, I meant pretend we're a happily married couple.
Ah.
All right, looks like Improv Camp is finally gonna pay off.
Oh.
Bud, enough of the red jellybeans on the windowsill.
It's a gingerbread house, not a ginger whorehouse.
Hello? Carol, we got a problem! What? Why are you It's Ray! Get to somewhere private! Okay, okay, okay, I'm going.
It's an emergency! Give me a sec.
What's going on? Why are you yelling? I'm yelling because it's an emergency! Nate is Christmas horny, and he's getting feelings for Janice! No, he's not.
He's been squirming away from her all day.
Why are you saying this? He called me ten minutes ago and told me that he was worried he couldn't keep his hands off her.
It doesn't look like that to me.
Well, go look again.
Wow, you're right.
These chairs are slippery.
Oh, my God! Those chairs aren't slippery at all! You're right, Ray.
All morning, he was running away from her.
Now he's cuddling up.
He's fallen for her.
And not just for a hookup.
He told me that he was thinking about getting back together with her.
Oh, my God, what have I done? What indeed, Carol? What indeed?! Hey, Lao Zing! Can a brother get another eggnog over here? Everybody get eggnog but me? So, listen, last week when I was giving myself an examination, I found a lump.
But it turns out it was a butterscotch I had spit out in the middle of the night.
But it made me realize that I had to start thinking about who is inheriting what.
Lake house, lake house, lake house.
Nathan, I'm thinking that Janice should have my mother's ruby ring.
Hey, I have fingers.
And so does Adam, sweetheart.
And his could be sticky fingers if his smack habit comes back.
No offense! Hey I'm a junkie.
Nathan, make sure this fits her.
Oh.
Ooh.
Put it on right, Nate.
I'll talk to Nathan about it as soon as my mother leaves.
No time, Carol! Cuddling leads to hooking up, which leads to dating.
Next thing you know, they're remarried, using pet names again.
And I will not suffer through another meal with Popcorn and Monkey! Janice Miller, make me the happiest man on earth and be my No! I got it.
What on earth? Mom, what Nathan, you're happily divorced.
Don't ask her to marry you again.
Mom, I was just I know, Christmas horny! It's my fault for asking you to lie about both of our divorces.
Both of your divorces? Mom, we were just acting.
Janice and I aren't getting remarried.
Oh.
Okay.
Me, too.
Just acting.
Who's ready to go caroling? You're divorced? You've been lying to me? Yes, Mother, I am.
I'm divorced.
And I know you have your beliefs, and and I'm sorry to let you down, but it was the right thing for me.
Because while I-I agree with you it takes strength to stay in a good marriage, it also takes strength to get out of a bad one.
I learned that from my son.
And I'm proud of both of us.
And for the record, our marriage is great.
Yeah, and I have never used drugs in my life.
And your business isn't failing? Our marriage is great.
Can't believe this.
Where are my car keys? Well, we're not leaving yet, Bud.
These people are gonna get a piece of my mind.
Oh, you're not coming with me.
Excuse me? blah-blah-blabitty-blah.
Well, I've had enough, Blanche.
Enough! Deja vu.
You can't do this, Dad.
You've been married for 62 years! Make that 61 years, Since we haven't had sex since Tuesday.
Well, that's not true.
I did some stuff to you with my hand on the drive here.
Oh, my God.
I spilled soup in my lap, you wiped it off with a napkin! Vigorously, for 16 miles.
That counts! I think I'm gonna pass out.
I'm sorry, Blanche.
These new knees were made for walking.
Hey, you know what else we were good at? Drinking through awkward situations.
Yeah, I'll race you to the kitchen.
Blanche, I know it's been a bad day for all of us, but we have a lot of good ones ahead.
Uh, fortunately, there's a lake house, which we both have access to.
Oh, you're never getting to that lake house.
Damn it! This was the worst Christmas ever.
Well, I hope you're happy.
You know what, Mom? I am.
I am happy.
And maybe when all of the gingerbread dust settles, you'll realize that you're happier, too.
I dedicated my whole life to taking care of that dope.
He couldn't always jump over puddles, you know.
I mean, all that effort, for what? To be abandoned on my last Christmas? Oh, cut the "last Christmas" crap.
You're gonna outlast us all.
Great, I'll live forever, but I'll be alone.
Hi.
Quick question here.
While ago, I went out to the car.
I got out there, I couldn't remember what I went out there for.
Does anyone know? Dad, you went out there because You went out there to look for your scarf.
Well, that makes sense.
Guess I found it.
All right, when we gonna serve this Thanksgiving turkey? Thank you.
He's not much, but he's mine.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, thanks, Grandpa.
A couple of bars of used soap? No, I I regifted.
Those are my old knees.
Okay, guys.
Everybody get together.
Mikayla's gonna take our picture.
Aren't we all having fun? This is the best Easter ever.