The Munsters (1964) s01e10 Episode Script

[Inhales Deeply.]
Oh, what a beautiful day.
Herman, are you ready? Herman! I'm coming, dear.
I'm coming.
I couldn't get the lid closed.
Now, do you have the potato salad? Yes, dear.
Do you have the pickles? Yes, dear.
Are we going someplace? Yes, Grandpa.
It's such a nice day.
Herman and I are going to the beach.
You're not taking me? Grandpa, you know you never enjoy the beach.
All you ever do when you get there is bury yourself in the sand.
Coming, dear? Bye, Grandpa.
All right.
All right.
I'll stay home and play checkers with Marilyn and Eddie.
Eddie! Eddie? I'm right here, Grandpa.
Eddie, how about you going to find Marilyn, and then the three of us will have a checker tournament? Oh, Marilyn went out with her new boyfriend.
And I have to go play with one of the neighbor kids.
Which one? I don't know.
I haven't caught him yet.
That's it.
Go ahead.
Go to the beach, go to your boyfriend's, go to your girlfriend's.
Leave the old man alone.
Who needs a lonely, sick old grandfather? [Squeaking.]
Hey! Wait a minute! Igor Igor, how about you and I having a game of checkers, huh? [Squeaking.]
Oh, you got a date too.
Oh, Igor, you got no heart.
[Squeaking Continues.]
You're nothing but a rat with wings.
Oh, boy.
When is anybody around here gonna pay any attention to a poor old man! [Squawking.]
Nevermore, nevermore.
What's this? "Are you lonely? Do you seek affection, companionship and matrimony in the sunset years?" [Chuckles.]
Why, that's positively spooky.
"Let the Kindred Spirits Matrimonial Agency make your "September Song' a duet.
" [Chuckles.]
A wife.
Why not? It sure beats burying yourself in the sand.
[Door Closing.]
?? [Humming "Wedding March".]
Good morning, Marilyn.
My, you're in a good humor this morning.
Eh, Marilyn, what would you say if I told you I was going to cast my line into the sea of matrimony and catch a new grandmother for you? Grandpa, that's wonderful! Aunt Lily! Uncle Herman! Guess what? What? Grandpa's got a girl! Oh, Father! Grandpa, you haven't been setting out those traps in the park again? I told you before.
It's not neighborly.
No.
It's a girl, a fiancée.
How charming! Who is she? Ohh! Now, don't rush me.
I only wrote to the matrimonial agency yesterday.
- Matrimonial agency? - Now, what's wrong with that? Well, I think it's disgraceful, beneath the family's dignity.
We're not the same as the average members of the community, you know.
Why, Herman, what a snobbish thing to say.
People look up to me, watch me on the street.
I have an important image to uphold.
Oh, Herman, don't be such a stuffed shirt.
Grandpa! Matrimonial agency Grandmother would be turning over in her grave, if she had one.
She's not quite as pretty as Grandma.
Well what can you expect, huh? A woman like your grandmother only comes along once in a lifetime, every 300 years.
Let me see the letter.
Her name's Lydia Gardner.
Oh.
She was quite impressed with my picture.
Hi, everybody.
Well, back from a hard day at the salt mines.
[Chuckles.]
Well, did I get any mail? Sorry, Uncle Herman.
Nothing.
Oh.
But guess what Grandpa got a reply from that matrimonial agency.
Well, I hope he isn't gonna answer it.
Ohhh! I suppose she isn't good enough for you.
That's not it.
It has nothing to do with it.
It's the way you're going about it romance by mail.
[Laughs.]
You're too old to be playing post office.
Well, I have as much rights as anybody in this house, and I'm inviting Mrs.
Gardner here to come and see us all.
You really think she'll fall for you? Well, you can stand there and ask that? You bring a sensitive, impressionable woman here and expose her to me, and you don't know what will happen? [Laughs.]
Well, if you bring her here, do it while I'm at work.
I want no part of this.
Hmm.
Now, Herman, why are you so against this romance? Sometimes I think you have no heart at all.
Don't be silly, dear.
That's what they put in first.
Oh, how do you do.
L-I'm Lydia Gardner.
The matrimonial agency sent me? Oh, yes! We've been expecting you.
Oh.
Won't you come in? Oh, thank you.
[Clears Throat.]
We thought we'd have tea in the living room.
Grandpa's just dying to meet you.
Oh? My dear, this is such a lovely old home.
It's so, uh, different.
[Chuckles.]
Thank you.
It does attract attention.
We've had a lot of comment on it from the neighbors.
It's a gracious tribute to the age of this lovely old home that you've left it just as it was.
Oh, but we didn't leave it.
It took Aunt Lily and Uncle Herman years to get it this way.
Oh? Of course, they could only work on it nights.
Ooh.
! What's that? Why, that's my Aunt Lily.
Striking, isn't she? Oh, you must be Mrs.
Gardner.
I'm Lily Munster.
Oh, my dear, you're exactly the way I pictured you.
Such poise, such ethereal beauty - You're like something out of this world.
- Oh.
[Laughs.]
Thank you.
Will you have cream or lemon? Uh, cream, please.
[Explosion.]
[Laughs.]
That's just Dad.
He's such a show-off.
- "Dad"? - Grandpa.
- Prepare to be impressed.
- [Loud Clattering.]
Voilá! Lydia, my darling, at last.
Did I frighten you? Oh, well, uh Eh, yes, you did.
Good! I see you've been getting acquainted with the girls.
But that isn't who you came to meet, is it? Well, what do you think? Well, I think you're magnificent.
And-And I must tell you I never did believe in long engagements.
[Coy Chuckle.]
We were hoping you'd come and stay with us for a while, so that you and Grandfather could get acquainted.
Oh, that's a splendid idea.
But, of course, I'd have to get my things.
Of course, my darling.
But first, let me show you around the house.
Aunt Lily, I can't quite put my finger on it, but, somehow, that woman seems strange.
Doesn't everybody? You'll learn to live with it, dear.
I have.
Kindred Spirits Matrimonial Agency.
Malcolm talking.
Oh, Mathers.
Steve, yes.
Hello.
Yes, we got your letter.
Matter of fact, I have it right here in my hand.
And your Dun & Bradstreet rating.
[Chuckles.]
And we have found just the girl for you Mrs.
Lydia Gardner, a dear person.
[Door Closes.]
What? Oh, I know how you feel, but it, uh it will be another week before she can come out to the coast.
She, uh, has to attend a funeral very close relative by marriage.
I tell you what, Steve.
There are a couple of things you can be doing.
You received our insurance forms and the last will and testament blank? Good.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Steve.
Now, if you'll just sign them and have them notarized and What's that? Oh, beneficiary.
Oh, it's printed right on the forms.
Fine, Mr.
Mathers.
Thank you.
Good-bye.
- Hello, darling.
- Hello, baby.
[Laughing.]
Hello.
Well, did you meet your latest husband-to-be? Mm-hmm.
Perfectly dreadful house, but he'll be a pushover.
Looks like he has one foot in the grave already.
Good.
This one will make five men married and "morgued" in the past three months.
Malcolm, I'm thinking of a way to save at least a day and a half on each operation.
Uh-huh.
Get them to combine the funeral with the reading of the will.
Lydia, that's brilliant.
How do you think of things like this? Very simple.
All you need is an attorney who plays the organ.
Here's his picture back.
[Sighs.]
Better put it in the file with his letter.
[Chuckles.]
[Inhales.]
Hmm.
You know, honey, this one keeps reminding me of Poochy Dowling.
[Chuckles.]
Wouldn't you say this fellow looks a lot like Poochy, hmm? You mean the way the way he looked when I pushed him [Clicks Tongue.]
I mean, when he fell off his yacht on our honeymoon cruise? Uh, no.
No, more the way he looked a week later, when they fished him out of the water.
?? [Humming.]
Lily, stop fussing, will you? What are you so grumpy about? I just want the house to look nice.
Eh.
It's all this paperwork Lydia brought with her insurance, last will and testament.
I tell you getting married is not what it used to be.
I thought all you had to do was take a blood test, and I was kinda looking forward to that.
Well, that's that.
But Lydia's a darling.
She's worth all the red tape.
We'll be as sweet and cozy as two little bats in a cave.
I'm sure you will.
[Chuckles.]
[Door Creaking.]
Hello, dear.
Grandpa.
Well, back from the salt mines again.
[Chuckles.]
Mmm! Fresh weeds, do we have company? Hardly.
More like a close relative, uh, wouldn't you say, Lily? Yes.
Grandpa's intended is in the kitchen.
[Chuckles.]
I want you to meet her, Herman.
His mail-order bride is in this house? - I'm disgusted.
- ?? [Humming "Wedding March".]
And I want no part of it.
If I was ever to lower myself to meet that woman, - I could never face myself again.
- Herman, she's going to be How could you do this to me, Lily? And how could you do this to the memory of Grandmother? I am never gonna meet that woman, and I'm putting my foot down right now! Oh! [Floorboard Splinters.]
Oh, darn! Excuse me.
Lily, give Herman time.
Lydia'll be around with us for a while.
He's bound to run into her sooner or later.
Oh.
Oh, how nice! Just wanted to be helpful.
Oh, eh, by the way, eh, uh, I signed all the papers you gave me.
[Air Kiss.]
Here.
Nothing like a little bite before dinner.
[Chuckles.]
No, no, no, dear! Uh, I made this just for Grandpa.
Thank you, dear.
Go away, kitty.
Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! [Roars.]
Don't mind Kitty.
She's just like one of the family.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, I just can't get over how utterly charming this place is.
These antiques must be worth a fortune, if one should decide to sell them.
We do have a lot of valuable pieces, but everything here isn't an antique.
Um, oh, well, that chair for instance that's just something Grandpa picked up at a prison surplus store.
It isn't even plugged in.
How quaint.
Incidentally, Mrs.
Munster, uh, where is your husband? Oh, Herman was so sorry he couldn't be here to greet you, but he had one of his wretched headaches, and he had to retire early.
[Clicks Tongue.]
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Uh, do any other members of your family live with you? No, they're all dead.
I see.
Passed away? No, they haven't gone anywhere.
They're just dead.
Well now, Lydia, darling.
Come with me, and I'll show you to your room.
Grandpa, let's put Lydia in the guest room.
Oh Oh, it's on the sunny side of the house.
I hope you won't mind too much.
Uh, no.
Oh, that will be fine.
Good.
Good.
[Chuckles.]
Come right this way.
You know, you remind me of someone very dear, someone I lost.
Do you mind if I call you Poochy? [Roars.]
Aunt Lily, I still don't know about that woman.
There's something that just hits a false note.
Marilyn, you've got to stop being so critical of people.
Oh, Aunt Lily, you're so ingenuous.
[Creaking.]
Herman? What? Listen.
[Faint Footsteps.]
I don't hear anything.
That's it! The shutters have stopped squeaking.
Lily, you're always not hearing things.
Go to sleep.
[Groaning.]
Malcolm, I made the old boy an avocado mickey, but he didn't take it.
So, I'm going to arrange the accident right away.
I told him I'm a very heavy sleeper, and I don't want to miss an important phone call from my dear sister in California.
So, Malcolm, you dial this number in just ten minutes.
He'll come hurrying downstairs to answer the phone.
It'll be slip, slide, crash, bang, and by this time tomorrow, the estate will be in probate.
Never could sleep on an empty stomach.
But I couldn't eat dinner with that woman.
And I hope Grandpa doesn't marry her.
Marilyn I keep telling her to put the phone back.
[Gasps.]
Teenagers.
Hmph! Drafty old house.
[Growls.]
Now, you stay out there and be a nice kitty.
And drink all your milk! [Growls.]
[Fingers Drumming.]
[Finger Drumming Continues.]
Herman, can't you be quiet? You'll wake the dead! You know, Lily, this house is very strange tonight.
It's also very noisy, thanks to you.
Well, if a man can't have a sandwich in his own house [Chuckles.]
If a man would eat his dinner when he was supposed to.
I don't like to eat with strangers.
Ohh.
One sweet, little stranger, who is about to become a member of the family whether you like it or not.
That's right.
Ignore my opinion.
Make me feel unwanted, like an intruder.
If you're an intruder, then you'd better find someplace else to sleep, because this room is reserved for my husband! Well! If that's the way you feel about it, I'll just go downstairs and sleep on the sofa.
Why should I have to spend the night on a short, lumpy sofa? I'll use the guest room.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
[Phone Rings.]
- [Screams.]
- [Screams.]
[Screaming Continues.]
[Screaming.]
Herman, what have you done? Not a thing! [Banging.]
Oh, I'll get it.
Lydia's gone! What did you say to her? I didn't say a word.
She just looked at me, screamed and ran out.
Let me go! [Sobbing.]
Oh, good evening, miss.
We wanted to let you know we got her, - and she confessed to everything.
- Got her? - Mrs.
Gardner! - "Mrs.
Gardner"? Ha! "Black Widow" Gardner.
Your Grandpa wasn't the first man she tried to marry just to get his dough.
[Cop #1.]
We picked up her accomplice, and he said she was here.
Just as we drove up, she came busting out of the house.
- You mean she's some kind of a swindler? - The queen of them all.
You know, your grandfather's the only one she hasn't managed to do away with.
I thought all that sweetness was too good to be true.
You know, I hate to tell you this, miss, but she thinks you've got a monster in that house.
A monster? Oh, that's ridiculous.
- There's nobody in here but my family.
- That's what we figured.
She's just trying to build up an insanity plea to make it easy for herself.
Well, good night, miss.
Come on, Mrs.
Gardner.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
I couldn't face him again.
[Lydia Muttering, Indistinct.]
Good night! And thank you! Did that policeman say that-that Lydia was trying to kill me? I'm sorry, Grandpa, but she was the notorious "Black Widow.
" See? I told you.
You can't be too careful.
When you think of some of the people running around loose in the world today Ha it's frightening.