The Muppets (2015) s01e10 Episode Script

1 Hey, guys! Uh, listen, everybody.
W-we only have an hour to air.
How come the tree's not decorated yet? Tinsel! Tinsel! Ah-ha-ha-ha! Christmas in my belly.
Putting on our live Christmas special every year is a real challenge, but, uh, you know, it's also a lot of fun because I get to do it with all my friends and - Oh, oh, oh, oh! - Sorry! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!! - Huh? - Oh, Kermit, looky! I was trying to clear Beaker's sinuses when, lo and behold, I stumbled upon a Rudolph - for our reindeer sketch.
- Uh, well But, ah, Bunsen, we don't have a reindeer sketch in the show.
Oh.
Hmm.
Well, then, it will just be for our holiday enjoyment, right, Beakie? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Ho Ho Ho! M-M-Merry Christmas! W-what's wrong with Fozzie? Becky broke up with him this morning.
Oh, no! That's horrible! - Yeah, I know.
She breaks up - Oh! - with a great guy like Fozzie, - Hmm.
- and yet my mother is still with Ken.
- Ugh! Cut your nails, Ken.
You're not a Spanish guitar player.
Sorry, kids.
Santa's too sad to do the show tonight.
Instead, he's gonna try to figure out what the last three months of his life meant! Uh uh.
Ah any chance we can push the Christmas show till spring? Ooh! Yeah! Unh! Hmm.
Time to get things started.
Ha ha ha! Oh.
Hey, Yolanda? Huh? Ooh! Uh, yeah? Surprise! I'm your Secret Santa! Oh, my God! A straightening iron! - I love it! - Yeah.
I got one for myself, too.
See? Ooh! Fancy! 15 minutes.
Why pay salon prices? Oh, you are so thoughtful, Sweetums.
Thank you.
Last year, my name got left out of Secret Santa.
So this year, I volunteered to organize it.
You know, so I could make sure my name was in the hat On every slip of paper.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas - Le - Hello, there, Yolanda.
- Oh, hello.
- Guess who's your Secret Santa.
- You, Dr.
Honeydew?! - Mm-hmm.
What a surprise.
Mistletoe.
A seasonably appropriate way to finally jump-start my relationship with Janice.
I'm hoping this works, because I can't bear to wait until March.
And now I wait.
Should have brought my kindle.
Oh, Chef, you've been married for such a long time.
If your wife left you, do you think you could live without her? Mmmmmmmm Cuppycake? Maybe later.
- Hey, Fozzie.
- Mm, okay.
What happened with you and Becky? - Kermit, it's terrible! - Mm? She wanted to talk about whose parents - we were gonna spend Christmas with, and - Uh-huh I said, "I always wanted to meet Jerry Seinfeld's parents.
Let's go there!" That's pretty funny.
I know, but then she said I never take anything seriously.
- Oh.
- So I made a funny face to break the tension.
Then she said we were done! Oh, Fozzie, look, I-I-I know exactly what you're going through.
I mean, - when when Piggy and I broke up - I-I-I appreciate you trying to help me, Kermit, but, to be honest, you're the one who broke up with Piggy, so you don't know what I'm going through.
- Uh - You have no idea! Fozzie, but but but who's gonna play Santa? - I could play Santa! - Hmm? I'm filled with holiday cheer! Hey, Kermit! We have an urgent problem with Mindy Kaling! Oh, good grief.
Kids love me! Just sayin'.
It's the most wonderful time of the year With the kids jingle belling And everyone telling you be of good cheer Scooter, relax.
There's nothing wrong.
You always overreact.
Remember your suspicious mole that was just a black bean from your taco? - Wait for it.
- Wha it's the hap-happiest season Of all Ohh! With those holiday greetings and gay, happy meetings When friends come to call It's the hap-happiest season Of all Sounds like a cat drowning another cat And neither one of them can sing.
Hush! She's obviously releasing the evil spirits from her soul.
Stay strong, sister! We know it hurts.
Can say that again.
Long ago Scooter, you told me she could sing.
I-I said she could sing, not that she could sing well.
Like, I can beatbox, but I'm not amazing at it.
- Whoa! That was my best one ever.
- Oh, boy.
Hey, guys.
That felt a little off.
Did you feel that? - Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, mm-hmm.
We were just, uh, talking about that.
Yeah, what is going on with the band? - The band?! - Yeah, I love the band.
I love their energy, I love their little outfits, but I think they're bad.
- Uh - Um They couldn't follow me.
I mean, it's not my fault.
I can sing.
- Right.
Right.
- Yeah.
I sing all the time, and the people who work for me tell me I'm amazing.
Okay, uh, maybe you'd be more comfortable - letting Piggy sing the song by herself.
- Mm.
I'd be more comfortable singing it from Bradley Cooper's lap, - but that's not gonna happen, either.
- No.
I guess I'll just power through it.
Yeah.
Scooter, what are we gonna do?! Ah, the show goes live in 45 minutes.
Fozzie won't go on, and our opening act is a disaster! Actually, I think I have the perfect solution for the opening act that will warm the hearts of all of our viewers.
- What? Oh.
- Yeah, just follow me.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirrin', not even a mouse 'Cause I told him to shut up! Surprisingly tender, huh? So? Should I call my agent? Did I get the gig? I thought he nailed it.
Time for a snack.
So, uh, who did you get for Secret Santa? Yolanda! - Really? - Yeah, yeah.
I got her a backless jumpsuit.
Whoo-hoo! There's something sexy about being able to see a lady's back hair, you know? Hmm.
Here's the thing I've got Yolanda.
So that devious little rodent is lying, okay? And there's only one reason for this He has me.
Life is a chess game.
And what is the most powerful piece on the board? The prawn.
Hmm.
Well - The sweater's definitely ugly.
- Mm.
But is it ugly enough to wear to George Clooney's ugly Christmas sweater party? Trust me, Piggily.
I'll make it ugly enough to wear to the party.
But, apparently, not ugly enough to be your plus-one.
Hmm? Okay, Piggy, what is this crisis about your nails? Oh, Kermit, the new manicurist is a disaster.
How can I go onstage with nails like this?! Well, you're wearing gloves.
No one can see your nails.
And that's a reason to get lazy? Look, Piggy, I-I just don't have time for this right now, okay? Fozzie's girlfriend broke up with him, and he's too upset to do the show.
Gah! Women! Gah! Men! Why don't you just talk to him? You're his best friend.
I tried, but he said I don't understand how he feels - beca uh, because - Yeah? Well, because I've never been broken up with.
Oh! You should try it! It's a real hoot! Especially when you have to see that person's green face every day at work.
Hmm.
She's talking about you.
Uh, yeah, I know.
I put that together.
But, in the spirit of Christmas, I shall help yet another poor soul with my hard-won wisdom.
Send Fozzie to me.
Really? Aw, thanks, Piggy.
- Hey, Kermit.
Mindy Kaling's - Yeah? - waiting for you in the writers room.
- Okay.
- Scooter! - Hmm? Your sweater's hideous! I must have it.
But my mom made it for me for Christmas! Take it off.
Oh, okay.
If this is what it takes to get ahead in show business Ohh! Wha! Sour cream and onion Pringle? They're shaped like the human tongue.
I'm fine, thank you.
Sometimes I lick the coating off - and then throw the rest away.
- All right, all right.
Keep it moving, son.
- Keep it moving.
- Do you sometimes see numbers as colors? - What? - I do.
For example, 4 is blue.
I realized I had this talent when I was yellow-and-a-half years old.
- What in the world are you talking abou - Excuse me.
Uh, uh, uh, Janice! Uh, Merry What have you done?! Well, I've got all the sour cream and onion flavor with none of the calories.
Life hack.
So, we were thinking, Mindy, you know, Christmas songs are so overdone.
I-I mean, when you go shopping, what do you hear? Um, like "Mindy, we love you! We're obsessed with you!" Uh, yeah, no, no, I meant, like, over the speakers.
Oh, okay.
Um, like "Uh, aisle 3, is that Mindy Kaling? We're obsessed with you.
You're our hero.
You're our best friend.
" That happened to me at Target twice.
T-that's great, but, uh, you know, w-we think you're one of the funniest people we know.
- Yeah.
- So as an alternative to the song, here's a comedy sketch you would knock out of the park.
- Gonzo! - Okay, - so, you've heard of "The Bachelorette.
" - Mm-hmm.
Well, this is "The Bachelor-Elves.
" It's 20 hot, tiny guys fighting for your love.
Ooh, a pun and a parody I like it.
Yeah, so, you have your bro-ey Wall Street elf.
Oh! Work hard, play hard, baby.
Ka-ching! And you got your hot unemployed-actor elf.
I have an audition today - For your love.
- Ooh.
Oh, and, uh, we're out of the tilapias.
More! More, more, more! - I want to see more.
- Yeah, more, more, more! Ahoy, there! I'm a sailor rat who's also a single dad.
I'll cry about missing my kid, and then I'll try to kiss ya! This is fantastic, guys! A sketch and a song that's great.
Oh, oh, I wish, but, uh, unfortunately, Mindy, we only have time for one.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Hmm? - Then I'll sing.
I mean, people who tune in they want to see me sing, so - Uh - Thanks, guys.
This was really fun.
- Yeah.
- But you and then you got your elf personal trainer! - Where she go? - She left.
But well, I'm liking these mus-cles.
Yeah, for the first time in your life, you don't look like such a shrimp.
Ohh! Aah! So, Fozzie, I heard what happened.
And from one broken heart to another, I know exactly what you need.
- A hug? - No.
Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - No.
- When Kermit broke up with me, there was only one thing that made me feel better.
- A hug.
- No.
Will you stop with the hugs already? I'm talking about stuff.
- Deadly? - Yah.
Ta da! - What's that? - It's stuff! Guaranteed to lift your spirits! Here have a cheese basket or a cashmere blanket or Deadly, what else can he go home with? This deluxe cordless neck massager from Dreamrub.
Soothing electronic fingers work wonders with six speeds and three pulsating levels.
There's no place for tense muscles to hide.
From Dreamrub.
Oh! Ng-ng-ng-ng-ng-ng! How do you feel now? I mi-I-I-ss Becky-y-y-y! Oh, come on, Fozzie.
Couples break up and get back together all the time.
That's why Kay Jewelers offers their "I'm sorry again" collection.
So you're saying there's still hope for me and Becky? I don't know, but if you still care about her, fight to get her back.
Let her know you're willing to work on things.
But if that's all it takes, how come you and Kermit never got back together? I'm sure you fought for him.
Oh, can of worms, Fozzie can of worms.
- It was a complicated situation.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, regarding my career - Yes.
- and celebrity - Indeed.
- and where I am.
Which is alone.
Now all you have is your stuff.
Can open.
Worms everywhere.
Alone in a house in Aspen with my own show.
That doesn't keep you warm at Christmas.
And you don't want the same for me! Th that is so sweet.
Thanks, Piggy.
You're the best.
Oh, Deadly.
I didn't fight for Kermit.
Was I too proud? And now it's too late, and He's moved on, and Now I am alone at Christmas.
Cheese? Yeah.
There you go.
Hey, yo, Pepe, I'm gonna go give Yolanda her gift.
Oh, stop with this charade, okay, and just give me the gift.
- What?! No! - Yeah, I have Yolanda, okay? Huh? You de Yolandee? Yo de Yolandee.
Oh, now the guy with the funny accent has Yolanda? - H-unh! - I have Yolanda.
I got her slippers with headlights so she can have her midnight snack in safety.
Okay, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Okay, raise your hand if you have Yolanda.
I did.
- Me too.
- So did I.
Wha Okay.
I-I think everyone here knows exactly what happened.
So please tell me, because I'm totally lost.
Obviously, she rigged it to get all the gifts.
Clever girl.
Oh.
Maybe she wasn't happy with last year's gift.
So, then who had Yolanda last year? Poor Yolanda.
We left her out.
Ay-yi-yi.
Whoopie! It wasn't me this year.
There she is, everybody.
Oh, here we go.
I'm busted.
Hey, hey, hey, just so you all know, I grew up without a family, dreaming of the day I could have a real Christmas.
- Oh! - Okay, that's a lie, too.
I had a huge family and a very happy childhood.
I just make bad choices.
Hey, Yolanda, we realized you was overlooked last year, so we hope this makes up for it.
Merry Christmas.
What?! Merry Christmas! There you go.
I hope you like it.
Happy Christmas, Yolanda.
It's a Christmas miracle! You guys are the sweetest friends a girl could ever have.
Oh, look at that.
I love you guys! And there's gift receipts in all these, right? Five minutes to air.
- Thanks, Bobo.
- Hey, Kermit! - Hmm? - Santa's back! Fozzie! Wow! Piggy must have really cheered you up.
Yeah, turns out things weren't as bad as I thought.
I called Becky and told her I'd do - anything to get her back.
- Yeah? We had a great conversation, and I didn't joke around once.
- Well, that's great, Fozzie.
Hm? - Well, maybe once.
I made a silly face.
But she couldn't see me.
- I was on the phone.
- Ohh! Well, of course.
Ah, listen, that's great.
Let's do this show, - huh? - Yeah! - Oh, good.
- Hey, Kermit! Oh Piggy's having an emotional crisis and said she won't be doing the show! What?! W-what kind of emotional crisis?! I don't know she said something about work/life balance and how the show won't keep her warm at Christmas and another thing about gouda being her soul mate.
Scooter, we don't have a show! - Excuse me! - Wha what do you I - Four minutes to air.
- Aah! Uh, hey, Piggy, the show's about to start.
Oh, my goodness.
What happened in here? I was upset, so I had a little brie.
- Huh? - And a little havarti.
- Uh-huh.
- And some cheddar.
- Maybe a bit of camembert.
- Mm.
Anyway you can blame Fozzie.
He's the reason why I'm so upset.
Fozzie? But Fozzie's fine.
I-I-I mean, h-he spoke to Becky, and it's all gonna work out.
I know, but I can't stop thinking What if he'd been too proud to make that call? - But he did make the call.
- I know, but what if time went by and they never got back together? - Yeah, but they are back together.
- I know, but What if she had moved on to someone else? And then he had to just be alone At Christmas? Oh.
I see.
W uh well, you know, in that case, uh-uh, Fozzie a-and Becky You know, they'd still be friends, so they wouldn't really be alone.
I guess so.
Hmm.
You know, Piggy there there are people all over the world alone.
You know? Sitting on their couches all by themselves Until you come on their TV and make them feel like they have a friend.
I do have an ability to connect even via satellite.
- Mm-hmm.
- Or cable or Hulu.
- Yeah.
- iTunes, the cloud.
Yeah, I know, I know.
And, uh Well That's why you were my favorite show long before you were on TV.
You were my favorite show, too, Kermie.
Mm.
Mm.
30 seconds to air.
Oh, 30 seconds to air.
30 seconds to air?! - Run! Aaah! - Aah! Come on! It's the most wonderful time of the year With the kids jingle belling And everyone telling you be of good cheer The good news is, I figured out the Mindy situation.
- time of the year - No one should be alone at Christmas.
It's the hap-happiest season of all With those holiday greetings and gay, happy meetings When friends come to call It's the hap-happiest season of all You know, Waldorf, this is my favorite time of the year.
Me too.
Merry Christmas.
It's Christmas? Huh.
There'll be parties for hosting Marshmallows for toasting And caroling out in the snow There'll be scary ghost stories And tales of the glories Of Christmases long, long ago Uh Okay.
Uh It's the most wonderful time of the year There'll be much mistletoeing And hearts will be glowing When loved ones are near It's the most wonderful time Yes, the most wonderful time Oh, the most wonderful time Of the year You know, the only hard part of the holidays is, uh, all the confusing feelings.
But a couple weeks off, though, so, uh That's really good news.
Yay! - I'm so glad you're here.
- You make me sing ooh, La, la, la You make a girl go ooh I can't believe we got Aerosmith to play our Christmas party.
And Steven Tyler looks fantastic! N-no, man, that's not Aerosmith.
That's Echosmith.
Uh, this is Aerosmith.
Y'oh! Wow! I see.
Everything okay there, buddy? Yeah.
I just had a bad experience with a sprig of mistletoe.
Oh! I got into some of that last year and ended up spending Christmas in urgent care.
I know dogs aren't supposed to eat it, but it's berries and leaves and just so delicious.
You, uh you got any on ya? - No, I - Okay, no problem.
No problem.
- Sorry.
- Uh, hey, Sam.
Janice! Where did I didn't Ay! Ayyyy! - Hi.
- Um, I just wanted to say that I, like, saw you hanging out with Chip earlier.
And I know he has trouble making friends, so that was, like, totally sweet of you.
Mwah! Happy holidays! I'm in love, love God bless Christmas.