The Neighborhood (2018) s01e10 Episode Script

1 Whoo! All right, man, make that one.
Easy.
What's the score again? You have letters H-O-R-S, and I have none.
All right.
I'm-a head home.
You done, too? No, I'm-a hang around for a little bit.
All right.
Hit me up for one last shot.
Splash time.
Hey, what's up, little man? Yo, what's up? Want to shoot around? Nah, man.
But I do want those shoes.
(CHUCKLES): Okay, well, put them on your Christmas list, and maybe Santa Claus will you bring you some.
I don't believe in no Santa.
But I do believe you're gonna give me those shoes.
I'm not giving you my shoes.
Plus, I outweigh you by a hundred pounds.
Well, you're a little big-boned, so it's starting to even out.
Now you ready to give me those shoes? (SIGHS) You know what? Fine.
I can't believe this bunch of Oh, my God, is that Santa Claus? MAN (ON TV): Okay, it's time to turn up the intensity.
Squat down and up.
Work those glutes.
Push that butt back.
Push those Aw, come on, Calvin.
You know, get up.
You promised you would exercise with me.
(CHUCKLES) Believe you me, baby, you got my heart rate up plenty.
TINA: Oh, hey, Malcolm.
You just getting back from the park with Dave? Uh, yeah, yeah.
If he ever beats you in basketball, we're gonna have to put you up for adoption.
Well, you don't have to worry about that.
So I'm-a go take a shower.
Hold on, hold on.
What happened to your shoes? You know, I lost them.
Don't tell me you lost them in a game to Dave.
We're gonna have to lie about this as a family.
Yeah.
All right, look, it's no big deal relax but - I just got robbed down at the park.
- CALVIN: Whoa, whoa.
- What?! - You got robbed? Look, guys, calm down.
I'm fine.
Oh, my God, thank God you're okay.
Hey, it's cool, Ma.
Okay.
Who did this, man? Who attacked you? Hey, look, it's no big deal.
It was just some punks down at the park.
What you mean it's no big deal? We're Butlers, right? You mess with one of us, - you mess with all of us.
- That's right.
You know what, Tina? Where you keep my fighting shirt? - No, hold on.
- 'Cause I'll beat up this whole town.
- I know you will.
I know you will.
- You know I will.
Just relax, okay? There's no need to fight.
I will take care of it.
You will? Yeah.
'Cause-'cause-'cause I'm a Butler.
- That's right.
- A-And Butlersdon't play.
Damn right.
You damn right.
Now (GROWLS) - (GROWLS) - Yeah.
Give it to me.
(GROWLS) - (GROWLS) - Yeah! (GROWLS) That's right.
Was he messing with me? Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Thanks for helping us install these cameras.
After what happened to Malcolm, we're gonna feel so much safer.
Yeah, well, these babies are top of the line.
You can monitor them from your phone.
They have night vision and zoom.
You know between this tool belt and all these new high-tech gadgets, I kind of feel like Batman.
Really? 'Cause you look like one of the Village People.
No, no.
(DEEP VOICE): I'm Batman.
Dad.
Why are you wearing your fighting shirt? I'm going down to that park, and I'm-a find out who jacked Malcolm.
Well, h-hold on.
I'm-a come with you.
I can help.
How are you gonna help? Back home I was part of the Neighborhood Watch.
Now, I don't want to brag, but a couple years ago, I single-handedly caught the elusive Kalamazoo Basil Bandit.
Spoiler alert: it was a deer.
What? Spoiler alert: I don't care.
Look, besides, I don't need you I got Abe and Tommy.
- Who are they? - A couple of real OGs that keep their ears to the streets.
OGs? They're a couple of old farts that play chess in the park all day.
They also do tai chi.
O-Okay, well, I-I'm-a, I'm-a come with you.
Why? As backup.
Look, we're a couple of fathers who both want to keep this neighborhood safe.
Also (DEEP VOICE): I'm Batman.
Hey, are the cameras working? - Mm-hmm.
- Yep.
We can see everything right here on the TV.
Oh, thank you, Marty.
No, no problem.
I love electronics.
You know, I like to pretend like I'm the tech guy on a covert team with a cool nickname like Virus or Firewall.
How about Nerd Man? Okay, Captain Bed Wetter.
That was our secret.
Hey, man, don't mess with Firewall.
I won't.
Mm, now I got to pee.
So, now do you feel safer? Here, yeah.
But I'm still worried about walking around the neighborhood or taking Grover to the park.
Oh, you should take a self-defense class.
Oh, please.
She doesn't need that.
I got you.
See, back in the '90s, when this area was a little rougher, I developed my own self-defense system.
Oh, no.
No, not "Tina kwon do" again.
Please.
You loved it.
We used to train together all the time.
We did not train together! I put on homemade protective gear, and you beat the crap out of me.
It was a bonding experience.
See, I figured out a way to defend myself using things that I just had in my purse.
Will you teach me? Of course I will.
Marty, suit up.
No, no, Mama.
I just ate.
Well, if you want, I could demonstrate without the pads.
All right, fine.
Okay.
Oh, oh, and, uh, wear a extra pillow, 'cause we're going hard.
This is exciting.
You know, I've never done anything like this before.
On that deer case, I worked solo.
Must've been nice.
Hey, hey, fellas.
Calvin.
Ain't seen you down here in a minute.
Hey, guys, I'm Calvin's friend Dave.
Didn't nobody ask who you were.
And don't nobody care.
He's right, Dave.
They really don't.
Look, fellas, I don't know if you heard, but Malcolm got mugged down here the other day.
Yeah, we saw it.
- Check.
- You did? W-Well, who did it? It was Jamaal and them.
You mean those little kids over there? Are you kidding me? This is embarrassing.
Malcolm got rolled by a bunch of little kids? Well, it looks like I'm-a have to go over there and teach those little kids a lesson.
I didn't even have to wear my fighting shirt.
O-Okay, well just, Calvin, don't do something you're gonna regret.
Eh, it's too late for that, Dave.
I already brought you.
Yo, Jamaal! I can't believe those little kids jumped me like that.
It was like watching a bunch of baby lions take down a wildebeest.
Where were you, anyway? You were supposed to have my back.
Well, I was right there.
I was offering them my shoes instead of yours.
No one wants your Skechers, Dave.
I'm letting you know something this ain't over.
We need to teach those little kids a lesson.
'Cause around here, nobody messes with Calvin Butler.
Aah! (WHIMPERING) I stepped on a acorn.
Come-come over here.
Give me your shoulder, your shoulder.
Okay.
All right.
What the hell, son? How'd you let yourself get robbed by a bunch of little kids? Why do you only got one shoe on? Because I got robbed by a bunch of little kids! But at least I fought back.
Yeah, and look what it got you no shoes, just like me.
Look you might want to count again, Malcolm.
I kept one.
I'm going over to Jamaal's house and I'm giving his parents a piece of my mind.
Oh, no, no, please don't do that, Pop.
That never works out.
- What are you talking about? - Fifth grade basketball.
When I wasn't getting enough playing time, you went and gave my coach "a piece of your mind.
" I ended up benched for the whole season.
Well, that's 'cause Sister Mary Agnes couldn't see talent.
Look, Pop, when you go talk to people, it somehow always turns into a fight.
Look, son, sometimes a man has to fight for his family.
See, you wouldn't know that because you don't have kids.
Trust me, Malcolm this is what good parenting is.
Now, you might not see it now, but I-I'm really trying to help this kid.
You know, the proof is in the pudding.
I raised a son with a good head on his shoulders.
Hey, thank you, Pop.
(CHUCKLES) I was talking about Marty.
Okay, so I'm-a show you how we protect ourselves in the hood.
Marty, get in here! Okay, so, whenever I'm in the streets, I always carry three self-defense essentials.
Weapon number one.
A comb? (LAUGHS) It may look like a comb because it is a comb, but in the right hands, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab! See? I'm safer, and, bonus I look fresh.
Eh? Marty, are you okay? Aw, he's fine.
Okay, so weapon number two.
Seasoning salt? Cheaper than pepper spray and really good on chicken.
- Close your eyes, baby.
- Huh? Shake! Shake, shake, shake, shake! Oh! Aah! That burns! - It burns so bad.
- (CHUCKLES) (SCREAMS) (SNEEZING) Now, third and most lethal weapon.
A whiskey bag? - Full of spare change.
- (COINS JINGLING) Now, to the untrained eye, you know, I'm just an alcoholic - on my way to the Coinstar.
- Mm-hmm.
But to the unsuspecting predator? - Ka-ching! Ka-ching, ka-ching! - (GRUNTING) - Ka-ching! - (GROANS) You ready to try? Uh, I think so.
Okay, girl.
All right.
So, you're walking down the street.
Okay, and an assailant approaches you.
What do you do? - Uh, I guess I would whack him - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- A couple times here - Mm-hmm.
And then maybe a a tappity-tap-tap here.
I'm so sorry, Marty.
Are you okay? Honestly, anything's better than the salt.
Oh.
- Come on, Gemma.
- Okay.
- This is street warfare, okay? - Okay.
Like, just imagine this man has stolen your purse! What do you do? (GRUNTS) Now give me back my purse, please.
- "Please"? - "Please"? Yeah, yeah, we we got a lot of work to do, or you gonna die.
Thanks for asking me to come along to talk to Jamaal's parents.
I didn't ask you to come along.
Okay, now, Calvin, remember, we're talking about someone's child, so we need to be reasonable, keep our voices at an even tone, and, no matter what, never be aggressive.
Come on out! I want to talk to you about your little punk-ass son! Hey, check it out.
Looks like Gramps got another shoe, huh? (CHUCKLES): "Gramps"? That's all you got? - Boy, I'll kill you! - Okay.
Calvin, Calvin.
He's a child.
Calm down.
Yeah, man, you better listen to your nurse.
Hmm.
You said that like it hurt my feelings.
My aunt is a nurse.
- Jamaal, where are your parents? - They ain't here.
- Well, where are they? - None of your business.
- Oh, I'll make it my business! You - Okay.
- Okay, Calvin.
- I want the door open.
(CHUCKLES): Careful, old man.
You gonna hurt yourself.
This was fun, but I'm gonna go back inside and watch TV.
Night-night, Gramps.
And, nurse, make sure he takes his medicine.
Yeah, well, joke's on you.
My aunt's saved hundreds of lives! That kid is disrespectful.
That's because clearly his parents aren't around.
Which is why it's up to us to teach him a lesson.
H-Hold on, b-by stealing his bike? It's called good parenting, Dave.
Hey, Jamaal! If you want your bike back, come find me! You getting on or what? Well, just for the record, I do not approve of this method of conflict resolution.
All right, how do you want to do this? What, do I grab a hold of your waist? Shoulders.
Shoulders.
(BELL DINGS) Listen, Gemma, I know that you are a sweetheart.
But this is not Kalamazoo! Okay.
Okay.
- Okay?! - Okay.
When someone comes after you, - you got to go there.
- Yeah.
I don't want to hurt Marty.
Screw Marty! Mama! He's not Marty.
- He is a bad guy, okay? - Yeah.
Okay.
You need to channel your inner anger! Okay.
- (PANTING) - What is it gonna take for you to release and unleash that inner beast - and go after this monster? - Uh Uh, uh I guess if somebody was really trying to hurt Grover.
- Good.
- Yeah.
- Use that, okay? - Okay.
Okay This sicko - Whoa, whoa.
- GEMMA: Mm-hmm.
- Is going after your kid.
- Yeah.
What are you gonna do to protect your little boy? Yeah.
Mama, I am your little boy.
Not today, sicko! (GRUNTING) Get him! - Don't hurt my little boy! - Get him! (GRUNTING) Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah! - Gemma, it's me, Marty! (GRUNTS) Cool! Mom knocked out Firewall.
(CALVIN CHUCKLES) Like that.
That's right.
A bike for a shoe.
(CHUCKLES) Holla at ya boy.
You stole his bike? That's right.
Because I care.
Look, the boy's got to learn that actions have consequences.
An eye for an eye.
Yeah, well, Gandhi said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
" Well, Gandhi didn't wear $300 sneakers.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Look at you, Pop.
Look who I found outside about to tag your truck.
About to tag my truck? Malcolm, go get some bail money.
I'm going to jail.
- Whoa, no, no, no, no.
- No, Pop.
No.
No, stop.
Calm down.
Pop.
Now, just let me talk to him for a minute.
Fine.
But after that, he's mine.
Hey, you need backup? I've been on this case since the beginning.
That was today, Dave.
Yeah, I know.
And look, we already caught the perp.
(SCOFFS) Man, here we go.
Now you're gonna give me a lecture on stealing, right? No.
I wasn't gonna give you a lecture.
I was gonna tell you I'll go in there and get your bike back.
What's the catch? Well, you got to listen to my lecture.
Jamaal, I know what it's like to be your age.
You're trying to figure out how to be a man.
But in this neighborhood well, some people have a different idea of what that means.
I know what it means.
I am a man.
Don't tell me what a man you are.
Your bicycle still has a bell on it.
But, hey, Jamaal, that's a good thing.
Because it means you still get to choose what kind of man you want to be.
Now, do you want to be a weak one or a strong one? I was strong enough to take your shoes.
Oh, you think so? Because the way I remember it, after half a block I stopped running, turned around, and gave you my shoes.
That's 'cause you were afraid.
(LAUGHS) Jamaal, I am a grown man, and if I wanted to, I could've beat the black off of you and your tiny crew.
But I didn't.
Because when I was your age, my father taught me what makes a man truly strong is helping other people.
You mean Gramps in there? (CHUCKLES): Yeah.
I know his methods may seem a little old-school, but my father is the strongest man that I know.
(BELL DINGING) I wonder what Malcolm's saying to that little thuglet out there.
You know what? We can watch 'em on the security cam feed on my phone.
Unless you think spying on them would be unethical.
Dave, we stole a kid's bike.
Oh, that ship has sailed.
Jamaal, what my father taught me is that strength doesn't mean being able to take things from other people.
It means being able to earn them for yourself.
It means doing the right thing even when the wrong thing looks easier.
And most important, real strength doesn't come from pushing other people down.
It comes from lifting 'em up.
You give me some speech, and it's supposed to change my life? Brother, I wish it could.
But how about this? I'll meet you at the park every Saturday.
We shoot hoops and we talk about whatever you want.
That's it.
Now, you show up if you like.
Maybe.
All right, cool.
Now, like I promised, I'll go get your bike back.
That's not necessary, son.
Looks like my plan to lure Jamaal over here so that you could have a talk with him has worked.
You can have your bike back.
Um, Dave, are you crying? It takes a strong man to show his emotions.
Oh, oh, no tears on the fighting shirt.
- Come and get it, boy.
- Pop, come on, man.
(WHOOPING) Gonna dunk on you.
Yeah, right.
You're getting ready to get punked right - Man, just shoot - Aah! - Oh.
- (SCOFFS) Look who's here.
The kid showed up.
- Hey, what's up, little man? - Hey, man.
You know what, now we can play a little two-on-two.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
All right, Malcolm and I are captains.
I choose first.
I'm just saying, I sunk my last three buckets.
I'll take Jamaal.
- My man.
- All right, little man, - you shoot for first.
- Got it.
What? Not all black people play basketball.
Bet you wish you had chosen me, huh? Not at all.