The New Adventures of Old Christine s01e10 Episode Script

What? What is all that? I was just going through some family photos, 10 albums.
You know how many pictures there are of me? Two.
That's not you.
One.
Listen, I'm sure you're in here somewhere.
Ah! Oh, my God.
My wedding video.
Yeah, that's probably all you too.
You were there with your braces and your thin little mustache.
And your cape.
Yeah, the cape.
That was a rough phase.
No wonder I had to go to the prom with my math tutor.
Yeah, and that would never have happened if Mom hadn't paid her.
She paid her? No, I'm kidding.
Oh, God, I hate myself.
We're back.
- Hi, Mom.
Oh, hi, sweetie.
How was karate? It was great.
I kicked my teacher right in the wiener.
Huh.
Same thing happened in his piano lesson.
- Okay, go change for dinner, buddy.
- Okay, Mom.
- Hi-ya! Whoa.
Ritchie was really good.
- Mr.
Kim went down hard.
- Yeah.
You should have seen Mrs.
Keating fall off that piano bench.
- Okay, I'm gonna take off.
- Okay.
And it's our turn to bring snacks to class, so I'll pick something up.
Oh, that's okay.
You know what, I can get it.
Christine, I said I'd do it.
I think I'm capable of picking up snacks for 9-year-olds.
Of course you are.
What are you gonna get? Well, let's see, 9-year-olds, so cigarettes and hookers.
I'll bring doughnuts and some soda.
Oh, no, no, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You're gonna feed two sugars to a bunch of 9-year-olds in a karate class? Why don't you just lop off Mr.
Kim's wiener now and save yourself the trouble? Okay, Christine, why don't you just tell me what you want and I'll get it? No, I'm not gonna tell you.
You know what to bring.
I'm not your mother.
What are you gonna bring? You're so amazingly controlling.
I have to be otherwise you'd wander around aimlessly until I told you what to do.
Wow.
Now I know what Mr.
Kim's wiener feels like.
- So I guess Richard's all mad at me now.
- Ah, well, tough.
The man doesn't know how to get snacks.
I mean, you gotta direct him a little.
Doesn't make me controlling just because he's helpless.
- You know, I want things done right.
- Exactly.
Men get mad when you tell them how to do things.
If I didn't show Pete the way every now and then he'd still be handling these like he was working on a pottery wheel.
You know what, that doesn't sound that bad to me.
Oh, my God.
Barb, lookit.
That's our old marriage counselor.
That's Hilary.
Wow.
I haven't seen her since Richard and I split up.
God, unh, she was such a good marriage counselor.
Yeah, I mean, up until Richard and I got divorced, yeah.
I mean, she had this way of drawing me out, you know? She'd just look at me and I'd blurt out all these dark intimate things that I didn't even know I felt.
Alka-Seltzer cold medicine does that for me.
Hi.
Um, I wanted to join and I was wondering if you do a month-to-month plan.
Hello, Hilary.
Yeah, it's me.
- Hello? - Christine Campbell.
Of Richard and Christine? You were our therapist.
Oh.
Oh.
- Christine Campbell.
- Yeah.
- Yes, how are you? - I'm good, I'm good.
I mean, Richard and I are divorced now and I'm not dating anyone.
I mean, I've had a few nibbles, but nothing too serious.
Sometimes I'm lonely, you know.
Mornings are hard.
But mostly I'm okay, you know.
Oh, this is my black friend, Barb.
Oh, my God.
Barb, I am so sorry.
I don't I don't know why I said that.
You know, it's her.
- She makes me say these things that just - It's It's okay.
It's been an unspoken thing between us for years.
Good luck.
Actually, you know, she's great, really.
We've been black friends for years.
I don't What? What am I doing? L So So how is Richard? Do you still see each other? Oh, yeah, all the time.
- And he's able to do that? - What? Why? - Why wouldn't he be able to do that? - Oh, no reason.
I just thought that once he finally got away from your: You know what, doesn't matter.
Water under the bridge, right? - Locker room is this way or? - Wait a minute, Hilary? When you just went: Like Were you implying that I was the problem in our marriage? No.
No, no, no.
Oh.
Good, good.
Because, I mean, we both had our issues.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- The divorce was no one's fault.
- Okay.
You're not my therapist anymore, so if you, like, have an opinion why don't you just spit it out? Um, I can't.
It's unethical.
- Tell me, was the divorce my fault? - I'm not gonna answer that.
- Was it someone's fault? - Yes.
- Was it his fault? - No.
Matthew, do I drive men away? - I'll get out of here.
- No, no.
No.
Listen to me.
This morning, Richard was here and he accused me of being too controlling and we got into this argument.
Then our old marriage counselor shows up at the gym and she basically says it was my fault that our marriage broke up.
Was it? Did I drive Richard away? Was I that bad? No, you? No.
Oh, shut up.
I'm not.
I mean, yes, I have my stuff.
- But Richard had his stuff too.
- Definitely.
- Every relationship is two people with stuff.
- Yeah.
So, I mean, why didn't she remember his stuff, you know? Because he's got a boatload of it, you know? Weird weight issues, weird manhood issues.
He still kisses his mother on the lips.
Oh, is that bad? We Maybe she has you confused with another couple.
Yes.
Yes.
I bet that is exactly what it is.
Because if she knew who we were then she would remember that we both had our issues.
I mean, Richard was passive-aggressive he didn't try to get along with our family at all.
And he always left me with an empty tank of gas.
- And what were your issues? - I had to put up with his crap.
What are you watching here? Oh.
- Is this my wedding video? - Yeah, and I'm nowhere.
Well, you were there.
Unless there was another guest in a tuxedo T-shirt and a cape.
- How did I not get laid that year? - Ha.
Ugh.
Look at us.
Aw, look at me.
Oh, God, I looked great.
Ugh, I could have married anyone.
"Love one another but make not a bond of love.
" "Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
" "Fill each other's cup but drink not from From one cup.
" I'm sorry.
"Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
" - I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
You know what, I'm sorry, this is silly.
Dude.
I don't need some poem to tell you how I feel.
I love you, Christine.
You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
And I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
I love you.
I love you.
- Christine? - Oh, hey, come on in.
What's so important? - You know I hate coming here.
- Why? Because it's a women's gym and I always hear these weird snippets of conversations about cycles and flow.
I swear to God, I would hear the word yeast less if you owned a bakery.
Well, deal with it.
That's what women talk about instead of killing.
So, what's the big emergency? It better not be the snacks, I took care of it.
- Yeah, what did you get? - I'm gonna do it after this.
So you're never gonna believe who joined the gym yesterday.
Our old marriage counselor.
- Hilary? - Yup.
She's got us confused with some couple and I'm gonna jog her memory.
Well, I don't wanna see her, so I'm leaving.
Crap, she saw us.
Crap, she saw me say crap.
Why are you doing this? Because she's got us totally confused with some other couple.
- Richard Campbell, holy cow.
- Ha-ha-ha.
I was just thinking about you.
Somebody had a birthday a couple of weeks ago.
- Yeah, so you remember Richard? - Yeah.
I remember both of you.
Damn it.
And Christine, what do I do with this towel? Just stick it somewhere.
Okay.
Take care.
Bye.
- What? - Tsk.
She knows exactly who we are.
So she really does think that the divorce is my fault.
Why was she being so nice to you? Your birthday isn't until next month.
- No, it was two weeks ago.
- Oh, happy birthday.
Just let it go, Christine.
It's ancient history.
- Why do you care what she thinks? - Ugh, because she's a professional therapist.
Well, she wasn't a very good one.
She was too opinionated.
She was late for appointments.
- She slept with her clients, she - What? Yeah.
Yeah, remember? Every appointment, like 10 minutes late.
She slept with her clients? Oh, did she? I don't know.
Oh, my God.
You slept with our therapist? Just twice.
And she was late for that too.
I can't believe this.
You slept with our therapist? - L I - Christine, take it easy.
Take it easy.
It happened long after we broke up.
It was very innocent.
We pulled up next to each other at a stoplight, then we had sex.
That is disgusting, pig.
What did you do the second time? Throw her on the Venice boardwalk? - You're ridiculously close.
- Ugh.
Pig.
It was a rebound thing.
It didn't mean anything.
What? Are you kidding me, Richard? If she had the hots for you during our therapy then she was probably steering us toward a breakup rather than helping you resolve your issue.
- What? - Our divorce is a sham.
Don't say that.
Don't you say that.
We've got a great divorce.
I don't know, Richard.
I don't know.
I mean, we were in a very vulnerable position when we saw her.
And we were getting advice from somebody with an ulterior motive.
- Are you saying we could've worked it out? - I don't know what to think, pig.
Hey, Richard.
Christine, you've gotta get out there.
There's a group of ladies in the bathroom who are about to riot.
Everyone who works out on Wednesday is on the same cycle and you're out of Maxi Pads.
It's like a CSI crime scene in there.
Oh, my God.
I gotta get out of here.
Christine, I'll do anything.
I'll get any snacks you want if you just please let me go.
- Yeah, go ahead.
I love doing that to him.
Oh, God, I can't I can't sit in this dress, I can't.
- Why not? - Plus I haven't eaten anything since winter.
I'm afraid if I take one bite, I'm gonna blow out the whole zipper.
But that's okay, you eat, it doesn't matter.
I'll just drink.
- Come here, baby.
- Hmm.
- Check this out.
- What? Hi.
Heh.
- You like that? - Okay, nothing that we do tonight will ever feel as good as that just did.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Wanna bet? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- Who do you love? - The caterer.
- Aw, look at you two.
That's cute.
Hello.
- Hi, Barb.
You having fun? - Oh, yeah.
- Beautiful wedding, really elegant.
- Yeah.
Listen, can I borrow 10 bucks? - I didn't realize it was a cash bar.
- Oh.
And, Richard, no offense, but you got some ugly groomsmen.
They look more like pallbearers.
If I'm going home with any of them, I'm gonna need to get my drunk on.
Is that thing on? Come on, keep it coming.
Keep it coming.
- I'll keep it coming.
- More, more.
More, more.
Mm.
- Why are you watching that? - I don't know.
I mean, you were around when Richard and I were having problems.
Was I? It's not documented in any photographs.
- Would you shut up and help me? - I'm sorry.
It's It's not just the pictures, it's everything.
They never helped me with my homework gave my bedroom to that exchange student, Pierre.
Then just because my birthday comes a week before Christmas they always told me the tree was my present.
Was it really over between me and Richard? What would have happened if we'd hung in there? Why are you saying this? You and Richard were made to be divorced.
You know that.
I mean, I thought I did.
I really did but then I just found out that Richard slept with our marriage counselor.
We never had a marriage counselor, we weren't even married.
Would you listen to me? I am in a crisis.
Yeah, I am in a crisis too! I just can't stop thinking about that Hilary.
Do you really think you'd still be married if Hilary wasn't your therapist? I don't know.
Who's to say? I can say.
Your marriage was a mess.
Christine, look, can I be honest with you? Yes, but not about my body.
Or my hair.
Or what other people are saying about me.
Have a nice day.
Change stations now.
Okay, what? What? You've gotta stop blaming everybody else for the breakup of your marriage.
I'm not blaming.
I just wanna know whose fault it was.
- It doesn't matter.
- Of course it matters.
Whose fault do you think it was? Change stations now.
No.
No.
Come on, come on, you have an opinion.
I wanna know what it is.
- Man, I hate this gym.
- Tell me.
Look, I've been your black friend for 25 years now and you know I love you, but, Christine, you are a control freak.
I mean, you called all the shots in that relationship.
You ended your marriage.
Nobody else.
Change stations now.
That was her.
I don't wanna do this today.
Ritchie, come on, buddy.
Karate was your idea.
Remember, we talked about this when I paid for the 12-week course? This can't be like tennis when you took one lesson and decided to quit.
I wanna play tennis again.
Ritchie, I'm not doing this.
You're taking karate and that's it.
Okay? Now, get up there and kick some wiener.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh.
How's he doing? Well, better than basketball.
At least I got him out of the locker.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God - You okay? Yeah, lookit.
Uh I owe you an apology, okay? The divorce wasn't Hilary's fault.
It wasn't your fault.
Apparently, it was my fault.
I made the decision to get divorced.
I'm a control freak and I always have been.
I mean, look at this.
I even brought the snacks and this was after I made the realization that I'm a control freak.
- Christine - You see? You see, even now Even now, I wanna say something about what you're wearing and I'm not even married to you.
I mean, what do I care? Do you have another pair of jeans? You see? I can't help myself, I'm a monster.
I ruined our marriage and now I'm ruining our divorce.
Christine.
Christine, stop.
Stop.
Look, I shouldn't have slept with Hilary.
I'm sorry.
I was a mess after we broke up.
I didn't know what I was doing.
Yeah, but you know what? That was my fault.
Because I drove you to her, literally.
Remember? I wouldn't let you drive because you'd changed lanes without checking your blind spot.
- Listen to me.
Listen to me.
Yes, okay? Yes.
It was your decision to end the marriage, but I'm glad you did.
- Maybe we could have worked it out.
- No, we couldn't have.
- But I just - Can I finish? - But I just But I just - Can I finish? Can I finish? Our marriage didn't work.
And if you didn't end it, we'd still be going at it because unlike our son, who signs up for things and quits I sign up for things and stay way too long.
I'm still giving money to the Kerry campaign.
We weren't happy.
And I am really grateful to you for killing our marriage when you did.
- Ugh.
Now you're just being nice.
- I'm not.
You made the decision I couldn't make.
It wasn't controlling, it was brave.
And we're happy now.
We finally have a healthy dynamic.
- Don't you think? - Pfft.
Yeah, you're right.
Thank you.
This is better.
- So, what did you bring for snacks? - Nothing.
I knew it.
I knew you wouldn't bring snacks.
And I knew you would.
Hey, there I am.