The Oblongs (2011) s01e10 Episode Script
My Name is Robbie
Oblongs, Oblongs Down in the valley where a chemical spill Came from the people living up on the Hill There's a family by the landfill with hazardous foam In their happy glowing home Oblongs Here at Old Globocide Village, we'll show you the fun side of a soulless corporate future.
Ride the rootin', tootin', poverty-inducing Downsizer.
Or just sit a spell and get you a apple fritter made with our bioengineered food product, Applex.
Old Globocide Village: lt's an unnaturally good time.
Giddyup! Where I-80 meets what used to be the Pinewood National Forest.
l heard some guy died on that Downsizer.
Yeah, he choked on his own barf.
-That rocks! -Can we go? -Come on.
-Please, please.
You owe us.
Why, sure.
As a company employee, l get a 1 0-percent surcharge.
-We'll go this Saturday.
-lt is Saturday.
How convenient.
Look, everyone, there's my job.
In the future, Globocide products will be assembled by robots eliminating the need for moronic human workers.
Super.
The Trickle-Down Log Flume! Whoa there, peanut.
Where do you think you're going? Well, darn it all to heck and back.
Sorry, sweetie.
-Watch my purse.
-Mine too.
Come along, mateys, and escape the IRS.
Oh, well.
l guess it's this or nothing.
Geronimo! Help, help! Look at the ugly baby.
It's a world of people Who work for cheap No, they don't have to eat And they don't get to sleep Rotten stench in the air 'Cause there's pee everywhere It's a third world after all Mom, l wanna work in a sneaker factory.
You're too old, honey.
Dad, you wouldn't believe all the fun we're having that you're not! l got the cutest sweatshirt for Beth: "l'm the runt of the litter.
" Be a love and hold it while we keep enjoying ourselves.
Chuck wagons! l've had enough.
Dad, what are you doing here? Kiddo, sometimes you just have to let go and let gosh.
Hold on, everybody.
l'm dying! Help, help! ls there a doctor in the village? What now, you idiot? Oh, God.
Dr.
Hofschneider.
Are there any other doctors? Stay still, stupid.
-Where does it hurt? -l can't move my jaw.
Looks like TMJ.
lt's a temporary jaw disorder prevalent among sex workers.
You're not a sex worker, are you, you filthy bastard? No.
l got projectiled out of that thingamajig, don't you know? A little squirt like you? You should've been watching the purses.
ls his jaw gonna be okay? The human jaw is a complicated thing, Mrs.
Oblong.
All sorts of hinges and teeth.
Disgusting, really.
Couldn't we talk about something else? Doctor, l need my mouth.
l cap bottles for a living.
That must be fulfilling.
Look, l've got two words for you: Lawsuit.
Did someone say lawsuit? Mr.
Oblong, to discourage legal action against Globocide we're prepared to offer you a very large check.
-lt's only for $20.
-But look how big it is.
Look, l don't want any money.
l wanna work.
My job is my life.
Oh, you're serious.
Well, give us time to work on it.
ln the meantime, don't talk to any lawyers.
-Can't trust them.
-But aren't you lawyers? Goodness, no.
We're attorneys.
Bye, Dad.
Don't blow all your welfare money on malt liquor and lotto tickets.
-l'm not on welfare.
lt's disability.
-Same diff.
Yeah, you're still suckling on Uncle Sam's teat.
Go on, catch your bus, couple of conjoined wisenheimers.
All right, sweetie.
Oh, look, it's almost 9.
l've got to get to the bar.
They worry.
l know.
Some of us still have responsibilities.
l'll be fine.
l'll just sit here and pray to God spiders don't nest in my crevices.
-Want me to spray you? -Stop hovering, woman.
Okay, okay.
Oh, honey, that beard has to go.
l can't help it.
Beth put it on me.
Okay, Daddy, you're gonna look really silly in-- Oh.
Hi, Mommy.
My life is over.
l should be in a freak show.
The amazing man whose jaw doesn't work properly.
You're doing fine, Dad.
l saw you scooting your butt on the rug like a dog with worms.
l had an itch.
Oh, cheer up, Bob.
There's a lot to be happy about.
Yeah, my "birfday" is coming.
Yes, it is.
What do you want, sugar? For Daddy to be happy like he used to.
Then stop putting things on me.
Bob, you are just feeling sorry for yourself.
You haven't tried to use your mouth in weeks.
Maybe it's better.
You're right.
Since when did l become such a dour Dora? Well, l'm about to turn my frown upside down.
lt's crap! Crap, l tell you! -Mr.
Klimer.
-Good day, Oblong.
Out of compassion and the advice of our lawyers Globocide has brought you back your life.
What the fandangler is this? lt's the Arms and Legs 2000.
Our crack team of engineers pulled an all-nighter to come up with this modern scientific marvel.
Cool.
He's more machine than man.
He's like Stephen Hawking, only, you know, stupid.
Go ahead, give it a try.
Had it set on "Stooge.
" There you go.
Now it's on manual.
You operate it by clenching your buttocks.
Look at my big boy.
He's walking! -Milo, get my camera.
-l'm a fully ambulatory human being.
l'm better than all of you.
Relax your ass! Relax your ass! -Morning, James.
-Welcome back, Bob.
You look different.
Did you get collagen injections in your lips? No, you big goose.
l'm wearing a suit of arms and legs.
-Why? -So l can work.
You know, the TMJ.
l've never noticed, James, but you've got quite the posture problem.
l think my mattress is too soft.
Everything looks so gosh different from up here.
l can see the whole factory.
Can you see Diane in Accounts Receivable? l believe so.
l like the way her leg hair looks all smushed down under her pantyhose.
Now that l have limbs, l really can't listen to that kind of talk.
But, Bob-- Wow.
l'm shushing and everything.
Bob, Beth says you pushed her off the swing.
She was on it forever.
You've always been the sweetest man.
l hope those arms and legs aren't going to your head.
You know, l was thinking.
There's one position we've never done it in.
What say l stand and deliver? Bob, don't change the-- Race you upstairs! ln your face! -What the hell are you doing, Oblong? -Having fun.
-Oh, really? And are you having fun? -l believe l just said that.
Don't you take that tone with one of your betters.
You know, maybe some people are tired of you talking down to them.
Maybe someone is looking to get fired.
Maybe someone doesn't need to get fired.
Maybe someone wants to say, and this is me talking now take this job and post it on the bulletin board as "vacant" because l am out of here.
Unless you want two weeks' notice, sir.
-Go! -With pleasure.
And a side of funk.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my spleen.
Did you throw that Frisbee? Say, interesting story behind the Frisbee.
The original prototype was actually a cube that weighed 1 1 tons.
Can you believe how many vegetables we're supposed to eat? -You're cute.
What's your name? -l'm Bob.
l'm Dusty.
You're a hottie, Robbie.
Sorry, a little sand in the carburetor.
So are you a lifeguard? Four years on the force.
lt's a lot of hard work.
Helping people, saving lives, keeping your pubic area waxed.
Sounds like a rewarding job.
Say, you don't need any new guards, do you? We might just have an opening.
All right! You quit your job to become a lifeguard? Of course.
lt's been my lifelong dream.
You've never mentioned it before.
Maybe l don't tell you everything.
For instance, did you know that for a short while l was married to Phylicia Rashad? That's not true.
But are you certain, absolutely certain? l prove my point.
Anyway, Dusty says l'm a natural.
"Dusty says, Dusty says.
" So is she pretty? Oh, yeah! l mean, oh, yeah! Darn.
l can't stop doing that.
You can't be a lifeguard.
Your skin's all white and chalky.
And you're soft, like a woman.
Oh, yeah? Well, Dusty says next year, these guns will be gracing the lifeguard calendar.
My birfday, Daddy.
Beth, these people are American heroes.
Stop putting ketchup on them.
Wow.
You actually know these people? Sure, he's Dogie.
Or is he Shredder? That's right.
Dogie.
He's got those silver-dollar nipples.
Oh, my God! Shark! Shark! Never mind, it's just a wave.
Yikes.
We got serious-ass valley trash at 9 o'clock.
Hi, everyone.
Pickles, l want you to meet-- Don't tell me.
You must be Musty.
l think you mean "Busty.
" -Nice one, dude.
-Thanks, dude.
l was gonna say Rusty, but then Busty just came to me.
Nice bathing suit.
How brave to wear horizontal stripes when you got that whole middle-aged spread thing going on.
Well, you're fairly riddled with implants, aren't you? Robbie, your family's gonna have to move along to the valley section.
Sorry, honey.
lt's the rules.
Whatever you say, "Robbie.
" -Check it out, ladies.
-Yeah, ladies.
Why--? Why did you frost your hair? Hey, l'm going through puberty.
Make with the seaweed.
Help, help! Emergency! They're blocking my sunlight! That's violation 274-A: lmpeding tan of hill people.
Kick it down, Robbie.
But, Dusty, they've built a drawbridge made of used syringes.
When a lifeguard has emotions, people die.
But it's just a sandcastle.
They die, Robbie! -Who's Robbie? -Sorry.
lt pains me to do this.
Okay, kids, get your fun on.
lt's getting late, Bob.
l thought we could all drive home together.
Sweetie, l thought l'd stay for the big campfire.
lf l wanna move up from trainee, Dusty says l need to put in some face time.
To go with her ass time? Pickles, her rear end doesn't look that way purely for show.
lt's for saving lives.
Oh, God.
-Can l stay for the campfire? -Sure.
You're a cutie, just like Robbie.
Who the hell is Robbie? Dusty, you have got quite a little knot back here.
lt's probably just some wandering silicone.
-You play, Robbie? -Oh, no.
l couldn't possibly.
Having my baby I'm a woman in love And I love what it's doin' to me A sexy woman, yeah Large-breasted, full-hipped woman Who craves a spanking lt's out of tune.
Well, we should call it a night.
We've gotta get up early for the big competition tomorrow.
-What competition? -You don't know? The Aussies are coming for the annual Beach Battle Royale.
lf you win, you'd automatically graduate to full-fledged lifeguard.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Bob, l miss you.
Let's make some of that hot, nasty donkey love.
Push up on the sternum, short sharp breaths.
Sorry, there's a test on CPR tomorrow.
Can the lifeguard crap.
Nude me! Oh, baby, that hurts so good.
Actually, that just hurts.
Marauding crab! Clear the beach! Buddy up! Sorry, it must've stowed away in my codpiece.
Hey, you blew your whistle.
Your TMJ's gone.
You can take the suit off! -l'll just keep it on.
-l crave torso, baby.
Buff, hairless torso.
Well, this torso's got some new appendages, lady.
Get used to it.
Well, at least you can help Beth blow out the candles on her birthday cake tomorrow.
Beth's birthday is tomorrow? Well, of course.
She's been talking about it for weeks.
Good Lord! That's what she meant when she kept saying "birfday.
" Oh, this is terrible.
Tomorrow's the big lifeguard competition.
-The Aussies are coming.
-Oh, Bob if you miss Beth's birthday party, you're gonna break her heart.
lf she'd just been clear to begin with.
You've changed, Bob.
No, l haven't.
And my name is Robbie now.
See, isn't this fun, getting ready for your daughter's birthday party? Better than some old lifeguard competition any day.
Abso-tively.
Okay, all done icing the cake.
Bob, this says "castrating she-beast," and there's an arrow pointing to me.
Okay, l admit it.
l wanna be in the lifeguard competition.
lt's the chance of a lifetime to earn the respect of my peers.
-What about the respect of your family? -Oh, please.
Bob, if those legs walk out of here with you, you're gonna hate yourself.
Don't worry.
l'll be back in time.
Daddy, aren't you coming to my birfday party? l wouldn't miss it for the world.
l promise.
And l'm gonna win.
l hate those Aussies so much.
Bob, you've never even met an Australian.
Thanks.
There goes my psych-up.
Good day, scumbags.
No worries, that's Australian for comrades.
Look, could we just get on with it? Some of us have birfday parties to attend.
Hold on, mate.
You know we can't go in the water until 45 minutes after we eat.
-l thought it was 30 minutes.
-Not in Australia, douchebag.
-l suppose that means "friend.
" -No, it means "douchebag.
" Stop eating.
This is the best birfday ever.
Now l've got salve, ointment and balm for my head thingy.
Okay, joke's over.
Where's my dolls, my jump rope and my new watch? Little girls don't get presents when they act greedy.
You forgot where you put them, didn't you? Who wants cake? Can l blow out the candles? l've been holding my breath for 77 minutes.
-Shouldn't we wait for Dad? -Yeah, we.
He'll be here soon.
He promised.
l can't wait to see you kick some Aussie butt.
lt's been an hour.
He could've digested a family of kangaroos by now.
Guess l'm about ready to go.
-lt's about time.
-Wait.
l've got a little business to attend to down under.
This is America.
Do it in the ocean.
Help! My metal suit isn't floating! Relax, sheila, l got you.
Should've told me you can't swim, Robbie.
l didn't think it would come up.
l believed in you.
l trusted you.
l let you dip from my Carmex.
-l'm really sorry.
-You're sorry, all right.
Oh, Lord.
l missed Beth's birthday party.
All because of this stupid contest.
How could l have been so selfish? My family's never gonna forgive me.
We forgive you.
Pickles.
Oh, darling, l've been such a jerk.
-Yeah, but it's okay.
-But what about Beth? She must hate my guts.
Bob, look down.
l love you, Daddy.
My baby is hugging me, and l can't even feel it.
Damn these arms and legs.
Help! Dusty's in danger! The tide totally swept her in, and l'm too big to fit through the rocks.
l'm even bigger.
Check out these lats, bro.
l'm bigger than both of you.
This is how they say "God" in Australia.
Boys, remember me? What should we do? Only a porpoise, seal or miniature man could fit through there.
Robbie, you saved my life.
Hey, where'd your limbs go? You look like a baby sea cow.
Sea cow, you say? Well, let me tell you something, Miss Dusty.
l may not have arms and legs, but l have the one body part that truly matters in a man, and it's huge.
-l'd like to see that.
-Me too.
Well, you can't, because it's lodged within my ribcage.
You see, it's my heart, Dusty.
l think l love you, Robbie.
Sorry, babe, the name's Bob.
And the heart is spoken for.
BloodLogic [ENGLlSH.]
Ride the rootin', tootin', poverty-inducing Downsizer.
Or just sit a spell and get you a apple fritter made with our bioengineered food product, Applex.
Old Globocide Village: lt's an unnaturally good time.
Giddyup! Where I-80 meets what used to be the Pinewood National Forest.
l heard some guy died on that Downsizer.
Yeah, he choked on his own barf.
-That rocks! -Can we go? -Come on.
-Please, please.
You owe us.
Why, sure.
As a company employee, l get a 1 0-percent surcharge.
-We'll go this Saturday.
-lt is Saturday.
How convenient.
Look, everyone, there's my job.
In the future, Globocide products will be assembled by robots eliminating the need for moronic human workers.
Super.
The Trickle-Down Log Flume! Whoa there, peanut.
Where do you think you're going? Well, darn it all to heck and back.
Sorry, sweetie.
-Watch my purse.
-Mine too.
Come along, mateys, and escape the IRS.
Oh, well.
l guess it's this or nothing.
Geronimo! Help, help! Look at the ugly baby.
It's a world of people Who work for cheap No, they don't have to eat And they don't get to sleep Rotten stench in the air 'Cause there's pee everywhere It's a third world after all Mom, l wanna work in a sneaker factory.
You're too old, honey.
Dad, you wouldn't believe all the fun we're having that you're not! l got the cutest sweatshirt for Beth: "l'm the runt of the litter.
" Be a love and hold it while we keep enjoying ourselves.
Chuck wagons! l've had enough.
Dad, what are you doing here? Kiddo, sometimes you just have to let go and let gosh.
Hold on, everybody.
l'm dying! Help, help! ls there a doctor in the village? What now, you idiot? Oh, God.
Dr.
Hofschneider.
Are there any other doctors? Stay still, stupid.
-Where does it hurt? -l can't move my jaw.
Looks like TMJ.
lt's a temporary jaw disorder prevalent among sex workers.
You're not a sex worker, are you, you filthy bastard? No.
l got projectiled out of that thingamajig, don't you know? A little squirt like you? You should've been watching the purses.
ls his jaw gonna be okay? The human jaw is a complicated thing, Mrs.
Oblong.
All sorts of hinges and teeth.
Disgusting, really.
Couldn't we talk about something else? Doctor, l need my mouth.
l cap bottles for a living.
That must be fulfilling.
Look, l've got two words for you: Lawsuit.
Did someone say lawsuit? Mr.
Oblong, to discourage legal action against Globocide we're prepared to offer you a very large check.
-lt's only for $20.
-But look how big it is.
Look, l don't want any money.
l wanna work.
My job is my life.
Oh, you're serious.
Well, give us time to work on it.
ln the meantime, don't talk to any lawyers.
-Can't trust them.
-But aren't you lawyers? Goodness, no.
We're attorneys.
Bye, Dad.
Don't blow all your welfare money on malt liquor and lotto tickets.
-l'm not on welfare.
lt's disability.
-Same diff.
Yeah, you're still suckling on Uncle Sam's teat.
Go on, catch your bus, couple of conjoined wisenheimers.
All right, sweetie.
Oh, look, it's almost 9.
l've got to get to the bar.
They worry.
l know.
Some of us still have responsibilities.
l'll be fine.
l'll just sit here and pray to God spiders don't nest in my crevices.
-Want me to spray you? -Stop hovering, woman.
Okay, okay.
Oh, honey, that beard has to go.
l can't help it.
Beth put it on me.
Okay, Daddy, you're gonna look really silly in-- Oh.
Hi, Mommy.
My life is over.
l should be in a freak show.
The amazing man whose jaw doesn't work properly.
You're doing fine, Dad.
l saw you scooting your butt on the rug like a dog with worms.
l had an itch.
Oh, cheer up, Bob.
There's a lot to be happy about.
Yeah, my "birfday" is coming.
Yes, it is.
What do you want, sugar? For Daddy to be happy like he used to.
Then stop putting things on me.
Bob, you are just feeling sorry for yourself.
You haven't tried to use your mouth in weeks.
Maybe it's better.
You're right.
Since when did l become such a dour Dora? Well, l'm about to turn my frown upside down.
lt's crap! Crap, l tell you! -Mr.
Klimer.
-Good day, Oblong.
Out of compassion and the advice of our lawyers Globocide has brought you back your life.
What the fandangler is this? lt's the Arms and Legs 2000.
Our crack team of engineers pulled an all-nighter to come up with this modern scientific marvel.
Cool.
He's more machine than man.
He's like Stephen Hawking, only, you know, stupid.
Go ahead, give it a try.
Had it set on "Stooge.
" There you go.
Now it's on manual.
You operate it by clenching your buttocks.
Look at my big boy.
He's walking! -Milo, get my camera.
-l'm a fully ambulatory human being.
l'm better than all of you.
Relax your ass! Relax your ass! -Morning, James.
-Welcome back, Bob.
You look different.
Did you get collagen injections in your lips? No, you big goose.
l'm wearing a suit of arms and legs.
-Why? -So l can work.
You know, the TMJ.
l've never noticed, James, but you've got quite the posture problem.
l think my mattress is too soft.
Everything looks so gosh different from up here.
l can see the whole factory.
Can you see Diane in Accounts Receivable? l believe so.
l like the way her leg hair looks all smushed down under her pantyhose.
Now that l have limbs, l really can't listen to that kind of talk.
But, Bob-- Wow.
l'm shushing and everything.
Bob, Beth says you pushed her off the swing.
She was on it forever.
You've always been the sweetest man.
l hope those arms and legs aren't going to your head.
You know, l was thinking.
There's one position we've never done it in.
What say l stand and deliver? Bob, don't change the-- Race you upstairs! ln your face! -What the hell are you doing, Oblong? -Having fun.
-Oh, really? And are you having fun? -l believe l just said that.
Don't you take that tone with one of your betters.
You know, maybe some people are tired of you talking down to them.
Maybe someone is looking to get fired.
Maybe someone doesn't need to get fired.
Maybe someone wants to say, and this is me talking now take this job and post it on the bulletin board as "vacant" because l am out of here.
Unless you want two weeks' notice, sir.
-Go! -With pleasure.
And a side of funk.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my spleen.
Did you throw that Frisbee? Say, interesting story behind the Frisbee.
The original prototype was actually a cube that weighed 1 1 tons.
Can you believe how many vegetables we're supposed to eat? -You're cute.
What's your name? -l'm Bob.
l'm Dusty.
You're a hottie, Robbie.
Sorry, a little sand in the carburetor.
So are you a lifeguard? Four years on the force.
lt's a lot of hard work.
Helping people, saving lives, keeping your pubic area waxed.
Sounds like a rewarding job.
Say, you don't need any new guards, do you? We might just have an opening.
All right! You quit your job to become a lifeguard? Of course.
lt's been my lifelong dream.
You've never mentioned it before.
Maybe l don't tell you everything.
For instance, did you know that for a short while l was married to Phylicia Rashad? That's not true.
But are you certain, absolutely certain? l prove my point.
Anyway, Dusty says l'm a natural.
"Dusty says, Dusty says.
" So is she pretty? Oh, yeah! l mean, oh, yeah! Darn.
l can't stop doing that.
You can't be a lifeguard.
Your skin's all white and chalky.
And you're soft, like a woman.
Oh, yeah? Well, Dusty says next year, these guns will be gracing the lifeguard calendar.
My birfday, Daddy.
Beth, these people are American heroes.
Stop putting ketchup on them.
Wow.
You actually know these people? Sure, he's Dogie.
Or is he Shredder? That's right.
Dogie.
He's got those silver-dollar nipples.
Oh, my God! Shark! Shark! Never mind, it's just a wave.
Yikes.
We got serious-ass valley trash at 9 o'clock.
Hi, everyone.
Pickles, l want you to meet-- Don't tell me.
You must be Musty.
l think you mean "Busty.
" -Nice one, dude.
-Thanks, dude.
l was gonna say Rusty, but then Busty just came to me.
Nice bathing suit.
How brave to wear horizontal stripes when you got that whole middle-aged spread thing going on.
Well, you're fairly riddled with implants, aren't you? Robbie, your family's gonna have to move along to the valley section.
Sorry, honey.
lt's the rules.
Whatever you say, "Robbie.
" -Check it out, ladies.
-Yeah, ladies.
Why--? Why did you frost your hair? Hey, l'm going through puberty.
Make with the seaweed.
Help, help! Emergency! They're blocking my sunlight! That's violation 274-A: lmpeding tan of hill people.
Kick it down, Robbie.
But, Dusty, they've built a drawbridge made of used syringes.
When a lifeguard has emotions, people die.
But it's just a sandcastle.
They die, Robbie! -Who's Robbie? -Sorry.
lt pains me to do this.
Okay, kids, get your fun on.
lt's getting late, Bob.
l thought we could all drive home together.
Sweetie, l thought l'd stay for the big campfire.
lf l wanna move up from trainee, Dusty says l need to put in some face time.
To go with her ass time? Pickles, her rear end doesn't look that way purely for show.
lt's for saving lives.
Oh, God.
-Can l stay for the campfire? -Sure.
You're a cutie, just like Robbie.
Who the hell is Robbie? Dusty, you have got quite a little knot back here.
lt's probably just some wandering silicone.
-You play, Robbie? -Oh, no.
l couldn't possibly.
Having my baby I'm a woman in love And I love what it's doin' to me A sexy woman, yeah Large-breasted, full-hipped woman Who craves a spanking lt's out of tune.
Well, we should call it a night.
We've gotta get up early for the big competition tomorrow.
-What competition? -You don't know? The Aussies are coming for the annual Beach Battle Royale.
lf you win, you'd automatically graduate to full-fledged lifeguard.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Bob, l miss you.
Let's make some of that hot, nasty donkey love.
Push up on the sternum, short sharp breaths.
Sorry, there's a test on CPR tomorrow.
Can the lifeguard crap.
Nude me! Oh, baby, that hurts so good.
Actually, that just hurts.
Marauding crab! Clear the beach! Buddy up! Sorry, it must've stowed away in my codpiece.
Hey, you blew your whistle.
Your TMJ's gone.
You can take the suit off! -l'll just keep it on.
-l crave torso, baby.
Buff, hairless torso.
Well, this torso's got some new appendages, lady.
Get used to it.
Well, at least you can help Beth blow out the candles on her birthday cake tomorrow.
Beth's birthday is tomorrow? Well, of course.
She's been talking about it for weeks.
Good Lord! That's what she meant when she kept saying "birfday.
" Oh, this is terrible.
Tomorrow's the big lifeguard competition.
-The Aussies are coming.
-Oh, Bob if you miss Beth's birthday party, you're gonna break her heart.
lf she'd just been clear to begin with.
You've changed, Bob.
No, l haven't.
And my name is Robbie now.
See, isn't this fun, getting ready for your daughter's birthday party? Better than some old lifeguard competition any day.
Abso-tively.
Okay, all done icing the cake.
Bob, this says "castrating she-beast," and there's an arrow pointing to me.
Okay, l admit it.
l wanna be in the lifeguard competition.
lt's the chance of a lifetime to earn the respect of my peers.
-What about the respect of your family? -Oh, please.
Bob, if those legs walk out of here with you, you're gonna hate yourself.
Don't worry.
l'll be back in time.
Daddy, aren't you coming to my birfday party? l wouldn't miss it for the world.
l promise.
And l'm gonna win.
l hate those Aussies so much.
Bob, you've never even met an Australian.
Thanks.
There goes my psych-up.
Good day, scumbags.
No worries, that's Australian for comrades.
Look, could we just get on with it? Some of us have birfday parties to attend.
Hold on, mate.
You know we can't go in the water until 45 minutes after we eat.
-l thought it was 30 minutes.
-Not in Australia, douchebag.
-l suppose that means "friend.
" -No, it means "douchebag.
" Stop eating.
This is the best birfday ever.
Now l've got salve, ointment and balm for my head thingy.
Okay, joke's over.
Where's my dolls, my jump rope and my new watch? Little girls don't get presents when they act greedy.
You forgot where you put them, didn't you? Who wants cake? Can l blow out the candles? l've been holding my breath for 77 minutes.
-Shouldn't we wait for Dad? -Yeah, we.
He'll be here soon.
He promised.
l can't wait to see you kick some Aussie butt.
lt's been an hour.
He could've digested a family of kangaroos by now.
Guess l'm about ready to go.
-lt's about time.
-Wait.
l've got a little business to attend to down under.
This is America.
Do it in the ocean.
Help! My metal suit isn't floating! Relax, sheila, l got you.
Should've told me you can't swim, Robbie.
l didn't think it would come up.
l believed in you.
l trusted you.
l let you dip from my Carmex.
-l'm really sorry.
-You're sorry, all right.
Oh, Lord.
l missed Beth's birthday party.
All because of this stupid contest.
How could l have been so selfish? My family's never gonna forgive me.
We forgive you.
Pickles.
Oh, darling, l've been such a jerk.
-Yeah, but it's okay.
-But what about Beth? She must hate my guts.
Bob, look down.
l love you, Daddy.
My baby is hugging me, and l can't even feel it.
Damn these arms and legs.
Help! Dusty's in danger! The tide totally swept her in, and l'm too big to fit through the rocks.
l'm even bigger.
Check out these lats, bro.
l'm bigger than both of you.
This is how they say "God" in Australia.
Boys, remember me? What should we do? Only a porpoise, seal or miniature man could fit through there.
Robbie, you saved my life.
Hey, where'd your limbs go? You look like a baby sea cow.
Sea cow, you say? Well, let me tell you something, Miss Dusty.
l may not have arms and legs, but l have the one body part that truly matters in a man, and it's huge.
-l'd like to see that.
-Me too.
Well, you can't, because it's lodged within my ribcage.
You see, it's my heart, Dusty.
l think l love you, Robbie.
Sorry, babe, the name's Bob.
And the heart is spoken for.
BloodLogic [ENGLlSH.]