The Ranch (2016) s01e10 Episode Script

- Hey, morning.
- Hey.
Hey is that my jacket? I left that at Heather's.
All right, Officer Sherlock.
Yeah, I slept at Mary's the other night.
Heather told me to give you this.
She also told me to give you this.
What the hell you do that for? Well, now it's awkward 'cause I kissed you, not 'cause I'm banging your girlfriend's mom.
You know what, I ain't gonna be super-interested in joking about this for a while.
Look, Colt Sorry if it's awkward for you, but I'm really into Mary.
That being said, you are my brother, and if you want me to stop datin' her just say it.
I want you to stop datin' her.
All right, bluff called.
Seriously though, man, if you want me to give up my chance at a happy relationship and die alone just 'cause it makes you a little uncomfortable you just say so.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
Shit, bluff called again.
All right, look if you're serious about Mary, and you promise not to screw things up with me and Heather it's your life, I'm not gonna be an asshole about it.
Cool.
And for the record, I give you my blessing to date her daughter.
Oh, hey, uh I heard old Kenny proposed to Abby.
Yeah.
Why, you wanna date her, too? Been there, done that.
So them getting engaged, that mess you up? No I'm fine with it.
You should've seen the ring though, too big.
Yeah Women hate when things are too big.
Yeah, and he proposed to her at the Cracker Barrel.
I mean, who does that? Uh, lots of people.
Rich Weiner proposed to Allie there, Jeff proposed to Leslie.
I proposed a threesome to the Flet sisters.
They proposed I go fuck myself.
Later that night, I took 'em up on that proposal.
Let me ask you a question I texted Mary a couple of times last night, she never hit me back.
Check this out.
Uh, 1:12 "'Sup, girl? You up?" Nothing.
1:27 "You down to clown? I'm around.
" Nothing.
1:45, I pull out the big guns, right? I sent her this video of a cat who's scared of a cucumber.
I mean, how is that not worth at least one "LOL"? Apparently, we got different ideas about what the "big gun" is.
- Mornin', Dad.
- Mornin'.
Hey, what time is that buyer comin'? He's not.
I called him off.
- We're not sellin'.
- What? Cattle prices are at rock bottom Anderson sold last week.
They didn't even turn a profit.
We're not gonna sell right now.
We're gonna hold out.
Are you serious? I When were you plannin' on tellin' us? To be honest If I'm not looking right at you, I try to forget you're here.
Dad, we don't have any electricity! We gotta sell.
You ever see The Shining? Jack Nicholson killed his entire family with an ax.
You know why? They didn't have a TV! Look, we can't afford to keep the calves.
We can't even afford to keep the lights on.
What are we gonna do for the winter, huh? I mean me and you, we can eat Colt.
What are the cows gonna eat? I didn't work my ass off all year, so I could go in the hole.
We can hold on a little while, things will turn.
And what if they don't? Maybe you two can get a second job.
Ugh.
There aren't enough hours in the day to take on more work.
We should take what we can get now and keep our heads above water.
All right, look, I don't normally say this, but Rooster's right.
You know, I don't normally say this, but I don't give a shit what you think.
You say that all the time! Damn it.
We both saw that.
Colt did it.
Beau, you in there? If I say no, will you go away? I see you're as chipper as ever.
What are you doin' here, Dale? I heard that you might be thinkin' about not sellin'.
- How'd you hear that? - Huh? Said, "How'd you hear that?" I hear everything.
I think you're makin' a big mistake.
Look, Dale, don't tell me how to run my business.
I don't tell you how to run yours.
Well, that's all you do! The last time I was out here, you tried to tell me how to castrate a bull.
I'm not gonna sell, Dale.
Look we're getting up in age, both of us.
Now I'm 73 years old, and I don't know if you knew it or not, but I'm beginning to lose my hearing.
Really? I had no idea.
Yeah, it's just a Timex, but thank you.
And look, at your age, do you really want to take on this fight? You know, what they're offering is criminal.
I'm not sayin' you're wrong.
Look, you deserve a lot more, but a little is better than nothing.
For all you know, the market might keep going down.
You don't think I know that? What are you gonna tell me next? Sky is blue? Water's wet? Next thing out of your mouth is gonna be "What?" What? Look, just make the sale.
Go inside, turn your power on, enjoy your family.
If this is your last winter on Earth do you want to spend it without television? I'm not selling.
Say hi to Charlene for me.
Well, suit yourself.
You know, your gate's busted.
Colt did it.
Mmm-hmm.
He also clipped your mailbox on the way in.
Hey, Ab.
Hey.
You still got time to take a look at my truck? Yeah.
What was that noise it's making, again? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I remember.
I just wanted to hear you do that bad impression again.
Why don't you do an impression of a guy who's not a jackass and just fixes my truck? So, what's going on with you? Well, Dad decided he didn't want to sell the calves.
Why? Said he wanted to hold out for better prices.
Same thing he used to say when I used to bring over the Girl Scout cookies.
Well, let's take a look at that truck, huh? Yeah.
Look at that rock.
Whoo! Guess that's what Kenny's Marriott money gets you, huh? Yeah, he went to Jared.
You know, about the other night, that wasn't how I wanted it to happen.
What's that? Me finding out or you getting proposed to at a Cracker Barrel? It was actually sweet.
And they gave us 20 bucks to spend in the general store.
We got a big bag of those sour rolls.
So good.
Anyway, if it was awkward for you I'm sorry.
Why would it be awkward? Well, it was weird for me.
I mean, I didn't expect to get engaged in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Although I do have this dream that I get married to Channing Tatum in front of every guy who ever dumped me.
Kenny's a good guy.
He's smart, he's got a great job.
I'm sure he's got one of them 400k's.
It's 401k.
Even better.
Look, you guys are great together.
I think you'll have a long, happy life here in Garrison.
Unless Channing Tatum shows up to shoot the Colt Bennett story.
Peter Dinklage is gonna play Rooster.
Oh, hey, Mary.
Nice hog.
Hey, Colt.
You cheatin' on my daughter? 'Cause I will murder you.
No, no.
No, no No, no.
This is, uh, Abby.
She's my ex-girlfriend.
We hang out sometimes.
That does not sound better, does it? Mmm-mmm.
Hi, I'm Mary.
Nice to meet you.
Actually, we've met.
I was Heather's history teacher.
Oh, yeah! How'd she do? Well, she wasn't my worst student.
I'll take it.
Oh, damn! Look at that Harley.
I did not think you could get any more awesome.
Hey, if you can name three Denver Broncos, I'll marry you.
Peyton Manning, CJ Anderson, Emmanuel Sanders, Demaryius Thomas.
Whoo! I'm gonna pass out.
Rooster, can we, uh, go inside? You know we can.
Oh, Abby, by the way congrats on that engagement.
Is it cool if I bring Colt's girlfriend's mom to your wedding? Uh, okay.
I have a name, you know? Yeah, I know.
Sorry about that.
It just pisses off Colt a shit-ton more when I do it this way.
So what's up? Did you get my text? My sexy pics come through? Yes, Rooster, I got the picture of your balls.
Thank God.
I thought I sent it to the other Mary in my phone.
Sister Mary from Immaculate Heart.
Okay, we need to set a few ground rules here.
Number one being, don't send me pictures of your fucking balls.
Yeah, everyone sends dick pics.
The Rooster sends ball pics.
'Cause it's funny and sexy.
No, uh-uh.
It's stupid and disgusting.
Agree to disagree.
Listen, if you think you're interested in and capable of being in an adult relationship - I do.
- Then Okay.
You say that, but you texted me a picture of your balls.
I did.
Yeah.
Do you do you see how those two things might not go together? I don't.
No, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
But, you know, I mean You're asking me to change who I am, you know? It's like you date the Rooster, you get the beak.
I'm fine with the beak.
I just don't want the balls.
You think about it.
If you decide you want to give this a real shot, you give me a call.
- Wait, you're leaving? - I got the dinner shift.
You just came over here to talk? See, that's what that's what adults do.
All right, well, before you leave, can you, uh name off a couple more Broncos? Von Miller Brandon McManus.
Oh, my God.
You know the kicker! You scared me.
Why are you standing there like a creep? I like listening to you sing.
That's sweet.
Still creepy, but sweet.
Did you bring the rolls? Oh, didn't think I had to mention that they needed to be baked.
But dinner will be in 12 to 15 minutes or until golden brown.
How're you doin'? I called off the calf sale.
Whoa.
You sure you wanna do that? I'm not sure about anything.
I'm dead tired.
Boys have been working hard.
They deserve a break.
Don't tell 'em I said that.
I won't, but you should.
They need to hear that you think they did a good job.
I'll put it in my will.
They think I should sell.
Dale thinks I should sell.
Based on your reaction, I guess you feel the same way.
Maybe I'm just being stubborn in my old age.
In your old age? Beau, you've written in Ronald Reagan the last three elections.
My gut's telling me to hold out longer.
Then trust it.
It's gotten you this far.
What about us, Mags? You comin' home? Okay.
- Really? - Yeah.
Maybe it's time to give it a shot.
Even if you are a broke old man.
We said in our vows for richer or poorer.
No, we actually didn't say vows.
I read a poem by Robert Frost, and you said, "Yep.
" I still feel the same way today.
Do you? Yep.
Sorry I didn't answer your texts.
I had my phone on silent 'cause my sister was passed out.
I didn't wanna wake up her baby.
If you add a pick-up truck and an American flag, you get yourself a country song.
Can I ask you something? Yeah, what's up? Just you were acting kind of weird after Kenny and Abby got engaged.
Is there something going on there? No.
Me and Abby is just friends.
Yeah, but you kept saying they don't belong together and I just don't think you were talking about the chicken and waffles.
Look, there's nothing going on with me and Abby.
I'm just saying, if you saw me acting like that with an old boyfriend of mine, you'd have some questions.
No, I wouldn't.
I'd believe you when you said there was nothing going on.
So just drop it.
All right, it was just a question.
- You don't have to be a dick.
- I'm not being a dick.
I'm in a great mood.
My ex-girlfriend got engaged.
The ranch's running out of money.
My brother's dating my girlfriend's mom.
Old Colt's doin' great! All right.
You know what? I hope you are upset about them gettin' engaged.
Otherwise, you're just an asshole.
I'm not upset.
I swear, I'm just an asshole.
Colt, wake up.
Dad, wake up.
Get your ass out of bed.
This is not a drill.
This better be North Koreans, or I'm shooting you.
What the hell? Is it fire or zombies? If Rooster got bit, don't wait for him to turn.
Just shoot him now! What are you doing sleeping out on the porch? I don't like vomit in my own bed, smart guy.
This better be good.
I was horseback riding with Channing Tatum.
Why'd you wake us up? Listen, "State of emergency declared after EPA spill in Animas River.
" Let me see that.
I can't read that.
Keep going.
Uh, says the EPA was trying to reinforce the dam, and they screwed up and they spilled a couple million gallons of poisonous sludge in the river.
God, thousands of ranchers draw water from that Animas River.
Those poor people.
Damned disaster.
Could be good for us.
- I know, right? - Yeah, it is.
Why? Nobody's gonna buy their cattle off contaminated grounds.
Yeah, of course.
So? - So our calves are gonna be worth - A lot more money! Yeah, way ahead of you, Dad.
That's a tough way to make it but we need the money.
This looks like a real mess.
But, hey, we're still gonna throw a party when we sell the calves, right? Oh, we'll do a little something.
Man, we're gonna have money again.
Hear that, little buddy? We're gonna fix you up real good.
I'm gonna buy separate shampoo and conditioner.
Fuck you, Pert Plus.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I know we're all having a good time, but I'd like to take a minute and acknowledge all the ranchers that are affected by the spill.
Let's just be thankful we came down on the side of grace on this thing.
Yeah, and hopefully, the EPA will step up.
But, in the meantime, 10% of every drink you buy over at my bar will go out to help these folks.
Finally, reason to feel good about my drinking.
We don't pay.
Shut up, Colt.
Hey, Mom.
This is Mary.
Hi, Mary, nice to meet you.
Hi, you, too.
Your son is great.
The son I'm dating.
Not the son who's dating my daughter.
He's he's great, too.
Small towns, huh? - Dad, you guys know each other.
- Hey, Mary.
Yeah, between the Cracker Barrel and the bowling team, first time I've ever seen you without your name on your shirt.
- Oh.
- Wow, look at that tie.
Yeah, just got it.
Now I got three.
One for funerals, court and other.
I might have mentioned - it's time to grow up a little.
- Well Hey, then I'm already a fan of yours.
Now, can you tell him that crumbs left in his beard are not leftovers? Ah Don't you think he'd look good without the beard? All right, you guys are done talking.
There's Abby and that little guy.
His name is Kenny.
You've met him a dozen times.
Don't care and won't remember.
How you doin' there Kenny? - Hey.
- Hey, Abby.
- Sir.
- Congratulations, you two.
Aw, we're really excited.
Oh, come on, tell me the story.
How did he ask you? Oh, well, it's not the most, uh, romantic place.
We were at Cracker Barrel.
Oh, well, who the hell am I to judge? Beau started his proposal to me with, "Oh, before I forget.
" Got the job done.
Am I right Kenny? - Yeah, Beau.
- Mr.
Bennett will do.
Yes, sir.
You all have fun.
Especially you Kenny.
Your ex-boyfriend's family's so cool.
Yeah, they're great.
I didn't even know Mr.
Bennett knew my name.
It's awesome.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Oh hey, Mom.
You know what, it's weird.
I always thought you and Abby would end up together.
Yeah, well shit happens.
I also thought I'd have four Super Bowl rings by now.
Two MVPs.
A Nationwide commercial.
"Colt Bennett's so damn handsome.
" It's okay to be upset about Abby.
It's hard to shut the door on someone you've loved for a long time.
But, darling, you don't wanna miss what's right here because you can't let go of the past.
I'm glad I've only had a six-pack.
I'd like to remember some of that.
Well, look who's here, Heather.
You must not have screwed it up too bad.
How'd you know I screwed it up? You, a girl Just playin' the odds.
That's fair.
Got any motherly advice for me? Don't fuck it up again.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm I'm really sorry.
Yeah, you should be.
I'm glad you came.
I wasn't gonna miss this over a little fight.
Plus, my sister's kid was having a tantrum and I figured if I have to deal with a screaming child, it might as well be you.
You've got yourself another country song.
Look I, uh The thing with Abby caught me off guard.
My feelings for her are all in the past.
If you were around 15 years ago, maybe you'd have been my first girlfriend.
Hmm.
Except, 15 years ago I was eight.
Hey, math is still not my friend.
- Look, neither one of us want drama so - Yes.
Why don't we just start being honest with each other? All right, agreed.
Which reminds me the other night, when you were storming out of that bar Mmm-hmm.
I checked out your ass.
- You're such an idiot.
- Yeah? Yeah.
He's at the ten! He's at the five.
Touchdown, Bennett! Kenny and Abby go wild.
God, this family is cool.
Do you think I should grow a mustache like Mr.
Bennett? No.
Congratulations, Beau Bennett.
It's good you trusted your gut.
It just proves I should never listen to anyone.
Everything proves that to you.
God, what a year, huh? Colt comes home all of our rough spots the ranch.
Feels good to get a win.
Well, you deserve it.
We both deserve it.
It's your ranch, too.
Oh, thanks for saying that.
I love you, Mags.
I love you, too.
Hey, now that everything's turned around, you know all we have to do is fix our kids.
What do you mean? Well, somebody's gotta make them into mature responsible adults.
One miracle at a time.
I think I'll go back to the Airstream and I'll get my stuff together.
Need a hand? No, I You got Rooster, and Colt, and a whole bunch of alcohol.
Somebody better stay here and make sure the place doesn't burn down.
You're all right, Hank? Been better.
I lost my job at the EPA today.
Man, that was a fun day.
Yeah we deserve it after such a shit year.
It wasn't that bad.
You know, I came home this year.
I said what I said.
I don't understand why we're wastin' time talking to each other when we can be inside making quality time with the new TV.
You know, I ask an awful lot of you boys.
Fact is I couldn't have done it without you.
Thank you.
Beau Bennett best rancher in the state.
Mmm-hmm.
- It tastes different.
- It's the good stuff, that's why.
Nah, it ain't the whiskey.
I mean drinking while happy.
I got something for you.
My championship ring? Oh, that's cool.
Fifteen years of free labor, I never abandoned you, I don't need nothing.
Dad you didn't have to do this.
I know the calf sale went well and all, but you shouldn't be throwing around this much money.
All right, I wasn't gonna say this but the guy at the pawn shop threw that in with the TV.
I'm just kidding you.
I paid for it.
But it was heavily discounted.
Where are you goin'? Goin' to help your mom.
Hey, we're happy she's moving back in.
Yep, really happy for you, Dad.
All right, he's gone.
Let's go watch TV.
Yep.
- Hey, Maria.
- Hey, Beau.
- Maggie around? - No, she left a while ago.
She told me to close up.
- All right, thanks.
- Mmm-hmm.
Well, that's gotta be a new record for breaking a TV.
Well, if someone would learn how to catch a ball.
Well, maybe you should've taken that Orlando quarterback's arm instead of his girlfriend.
If the ball hits your hands, you make the catch! That Abby? Yeah the hell does she want? Probably me.
Sorry, Abby, I'm taken.
- Hey, Ab.
- Hey.
Hey you notice anything? Yeah, it's the new tie.
Can I, uh, talk to you, Colt? If you're looking for a compliment on those bangs, you can keep on waiting.
So your truck stopped making that noise, huh? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You want something to drink? - Uh Nah.
Nah, thank you.
Suit yourself.
What do you want to talk about? I'm not really sure.
It's just, uh you ever, um think about where you're gonna be in 20 years? Probably sitting on this porch watching Rooster and Mary's kids play with my kids who are also cousins and brothers and sisters and her grandkids.
Sorry I don't know why I came here.
What do you mean? I was just driving around and I'm not even sure where I was going but I ended up here.
Hmm.
You all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
But I keep gettin' all these pictures in my head of where I'm gonna be in 20 years and, uh And? I'm not sure Kenny's the one I'm supposed to marry.