The Real O'Neals (2016) s01e10 Episode Script

1 Kenny: Why am I tightly rolling my clothes? It's the most efficient way to pack.
And I'm getting ready for my upcoming Catholic youth retreat weekend.
It's just as awesome as it sounds.
Hey, Kenny, you got room for duct tape, Silly String, and saran wrap? They always check my bag.
They say it's random, but [Chuckles.]
it's profiling.
It's not profiling.
You saran-wrapped six kids to a pole last year.
Yeah, and it would have been seven.
Kevin Farkus is a slippery little fella.
Hey.
If you weren't my brothers and wanted to make out with me, would you prefer root beer or bubble gum lips? - Root beer.
- Why? Well, for me, this weekend's about finally getting my first real kiss.
I'm four months behind my schedule, so I'm gonna leave these behind.
And put these on.
Are those slightly thicker? You bet your ass they are.
Ugh, you guys, it is not about hooking up or pranking.
It is about getting in touch with what being Catholic means to you, and, uh, not to brag, but there is a good chance that I will be named Faith Leader.
Aww.
He thinks he's bragging.
Okay, you guys, being Faith Leader is the next step in my evolution.
I'm head altar boy, class treasurer, elks club teen of the month October 2014.
It's like when Rita Moreno won an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony.
I need the EGOT.
I want to be the Rita Moreno of high-school leader That was good.
Get it out of your system now.
Don't forget to call us if you need anything.
That's right.
And everybody has the number to my basement landline, right? - What? - No.
What's a landline? Oh, forget it.
I'm just trying to establish my independence.
We are gonna miss you all so much.
That's right.
Love you.
Mwah! - See you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Love you.
- Bye! - Love you.
No.
- Love you.
No, joking.
[Sighs.]
Wow.
It's kind of like the first day of the rest of our single lives, huh? - Mm.
- Any plans? Oh, yeah.
So many.
Mm.
The tough part is cramming it all into one weekend.
Oh, tell me about it.
[Sighs.]
I'm like, "Slow down, Brain.
You know, you're gonna explode thinking about all your plans.
" [Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna go sit in the basement.
I got to make sure all the pens work.
All right, everybody.
Let's settle down, please.
Everybody, bring it in.
Welcome, everyone, to St.
Barklay's.
For the visiting students, I am Vice Principal Murray.
- Whoo! - Thank you.
Now, we all know what happened last year at St.
Mary's.
So I don't think it would hurt to do a quick little recap of the rules.
Rule number one no pranking.
You know who you are.
That's me! [Chuckles.]
[Cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah, that's my boy.
Second rule no half-empty bottles of kahlúa.
Drew, this is going in the contraband locker next to the firecrackers and the crickets.
But there's not much air in there, so those crickets are probably dead.
Anyway, on to my next piece of business the bestowing of the golden whistle to this year's Faith Leader.
This is it.
Now, remember what Taylor Swift taught you.
Look surprised when they call your name.
A duty is som Jimmy O'Neal! [Scattered applause.]
What?! Um, I think you made a mistake.
My whole life has been a series of mistakes.
You're gonna have to be more specific there, champ.
It was my turn to be Faith Leader.
I worked the last three retreats for this.
Last year, I was the most trustworthy person in the trust exercises.
You said that.
Your words, Murray.
Kenny, I don't need you as Faith Leader.
You're always well-behaved.
But your brother terrifies me.
One good way to keep a troublemaker down is to make him believe he can be more, even if it's a lie.
That's how I got roped into this job.
So, you're saying I'm being punished for being a good guy? 'Cause I'm pretty sure that's profiling.
I do not profile anyone, especially you.
Speaking of which, if you're not comfortable sleeping with all those other boys because of your Blossoming sexuality, you can sleep in here.
Not with me, of course.
I will be sleeping with all the other boys.
N-nope.
The office is yours all by yourself - for no particular reason.
- I don't want to stay in here.
It smells like Funyuns and Axe body spray.
You got a keen nose, Kenny.
If you do change your mind, I got a case of 5-hour energy.
I accidentally bought the women's version.
Your bones will thank you.
[Sighs.]
You can keep your room.
Hmm.
Okay.
O-okay.
- Yeah, baby! - Boom! There it is! [Door opens.]
Sam: Yeah! Whoo! Boom.
Let's go.
I didn't know you had company.
Yeah, I invited a friend over to watch the game.
Sam, Eileen.
Eileen, Sam.
Sam's a detective at the station and a recently divorced lesbian.
Hi.
There's at least three things in there - he didn't need to tell you.
- No, she would have asked.
Aah! Come on! - Well - What was that? I also have a friend who's, uh, probably gonna be stopping by any minute now.
So but you probably already figured that out, didn't you, Detective? [Chuckles.]
Case closed on this one.
Pew, pew.
[Chuckles.]
Aah! That's it! [Inhales sharply.]
[Door opens.]
What took you so long? I was mid-manicure, but I rushed over here as soon as I knew I was needed.
I parked on your lawn.
What's wrong? Pat's friends with a lesbian detective and they're in the basement.
That's a lot to process.
It's our first single weekend, and he's already got a friend.
He's so much better at divorce than I am.
I bet they're complaining about their exes.
Maybe you could go down there and just casually overhear every single word of their conversation.
I'll tiptoe.
I was always the best at "Red Light, Green Light.
" Green light.
Thank you all for meeting.
As you know, I'm seeking the perfect candidate to be my first kiss.
I want this interview process to be relaxing, so I'll just need your social security number to check your credit score.
And we're recording.
Uh Nice whistle, Faith Leader Jimmy.
Ah, so much for beating your record this year, huh? C-can you think of anything else that saran wrap can be used for other than pranks? Because I can't.
I can't think of one thing.
All right.
Well, later.
All right.
We need to talk.
I have a really, really good feeling that if you tell V.
P.
Murray you don't want to be faith leader, he'll give it to me.
I mean, you don't [Chuckles.]
you don't want the job anyway, right? No.
I don't even know why Murray picked me for it.
Oh, I do.
He said that a good way to keep a troublemaker down is to make him believe he can do more.
He believes that I can do more? He said he said that to you? No.
You are missing the point.
Stop trying to be something you're not.
Just let me have the job.
You don't think I can do this, do you? I'm gonna prove to you and to everybody else that I deserve the Faith Leader title.
So, why don't you go lay down in your sleeping bag and wait till I tell you what to do next? [Scoffs.]
You think I'll take orders from you? Oh.
- Oh, what's this? - Don't you blow that.
Don't you dare blow my whistle.
- [Whistle blows.]
- Let me tell you.
It is a very hard job keeping the troublemakers in line.
And I'm gonna prove it to you By being a troublemaker.
[Chuckles.]
Troublemakers don't call themselves troublemakers.
Well, I'm gonna bring it like it has never been brung.
Brought.
Is it brought? Either way, that's what's happening.
Jodi, what are you doing? Me? Nothing.
Just doing a little laundry.
How did you know I'm here? Well, uh, can't speak for Pat here, but a pretty lady always gets my attention.
[Chuckles.]
Hi.
I'm Sam.
I'm Jodi.
And I'm totally bi when it comes to compliments.
Scooch over, Pat.
Will you just tell Eileen that she can come down here? It's better than having her listen through the door.
I'm not listening through the door.
The door was open and sound travels up.
That's science.
Charcuterie, anyone? Oh, none for me.
I just became a vegan.
Vegan? When did you decide not to like food? [Chuckles.]
Oh, well, truthfully, after my divorce.
I, uh, figured I should try some new things changed my diet, uh, taking voice lessons, making candles.
I'm sorry.
Did you say making candles? Yeah.
Paraffin wax or soy wax? Soy.
Cored wicks or flat? Well, I let the candle tell me.
That's what I say.
- Huh.
- Huh.
There's the crew Jimmy normally hangs with.
I'm gonna make my move.
I just need a cool first line to show them I'm bad.
Hi, drew.
I like your shirt.
Who are you? I'm Jimmy's brother.
Jimmy the traitor? That's right.
So, I thought of a prank we could pull.
When Jimmy asks us a question, we mouth the words but don't say anything to make him think he has a hearing problem.
Like this.
What? Exactly.
That's stupid.
One, two, three, eyes on me.
All right.
I'm your Faith Leader, Jimmy.
If you just stick to your Jesus journaling and your gratitude lists, there shouldn't be any problem.
Faith Leader.
Out.
What can we do to get away from this guy? I've changed my mind.
I'm gonna need this room.
There's a boy from holy crown that's been eyeing me in a way that makes me uncomfortable.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're gonna have to nip this one in the butt in the bud.
- Office is yours.
- Great.
I'm also going to need my own key and access to your mini fridge.
You got it.
Can you just do me a favor? Don't touch my lunchables.
Let me make this very clear.
I will eat all the lunchables I want.
Well, I've established my boundaries, but it's clear you've also established yours.
You know what you just reminded me of? My ex-wife.
[Shudders.]
Getting chills.
Who knew being so bad would feel so good? And now to celebrate my victory.
Mm.
[Coughs.]
God, that is chalky.
Why didn't I shake well? - Here it is.
- Wait.
So, we have this place to ourselves all weekend? Yeah.
And a private bathroom for those of us with a shy colon.
Yo, you know what this place needs? - My kahlúa.
- I don't know how we're gonna do that.
- V.
P.
Murray took it.
- Oh, man, I don't know.
But if you could figure out a way to throw a party in the vice principal's office during a retreat, [Chuckles.]
you'd be a legend.
Four, five, six, explain this.
Who wants to tell me why we're all in here and not working on our "Catholics against human trafficking Puppet Show"? Because Using felt and buttons is an inane way to address the growing epidemic of domestic sex slavery.
Yeah, in your face, Jimmy.
Human rights! Puppet Show.
Now.
What is all of this? Oh, I invited Sam over to work on our candles.
She's having some challenging issues with air bubbles.
It's a rookie error.
She needs me.
Okay.
I'm just gonna come out and say this like an adult.
Sam is my friend.
I had her first.
She's mine.
Pat, there's a whole world of people we're gonna meet.
We can't just go through all of them, calling dibs.
Which reminds me, I haven't officially called Both: Dibs! Okay.
I'm happy you're friends with Sam.
And I don't need to be part of your stupid little candle party, either.
Yeah, I called it stupid.
Because I think it's stupid to make something so readily available at a store.
[Sighs.]
Jodi, it's me.
It's Pat.
It's the number to my landline.
Because I'm trying to establish my own space and independence.
Look, I need you to come over.
Pat, I'd love to, but I really got to get this nail situation under control.
I wasn't finished.
Bring your karaoke machine.
Finally.
I'll be right there! Ahh! [Chuckles.]
Okay.
So, turns out there's zero viable tail in the freshman group.
Any options for me in your crew? So, "crew's" caught on? Is anyone calling it the "K-crew" yet? - No.
- Okay, well, [scoffs.]
They will.
'Cause you know what, Shannon? I am throwing an epic party tonight.
Really? You? Yes.
Just need to get the confiscated kahlúa.
Okay.
If you let me come, I'll tell you the combination to V.
P.
Murray's contraband locker.
Deal.
0-2-25.
It's his ex-wife's birthday.
He uses it for everything.
The fact that you know that scares me.
This is why I have trouble meeting men.
So, once you pour in the wax, then you tap the sides of the mold like this.
Tap, tap.
And that's how you get rid of all the bubbles.
- Oh, you are such a pro.
- Oh.
Pat: You're as cold as ice You're willing to sacrifice our love - Can we just - [Music stops.]
Can we take this downstairs or outside or maybe put it in an alley? Hey, Sam.
Gosh, didn't you say you were taking some voice lessons? Why don't you show us what you got? Gosh, I'd love to.
We're already priming the wicks.
We don't need karaoke.
[Chuckles.]
No one does.
Turn around Every now and then I get a little bit lonely And you're never coming 'round Turn around Every now and then I get a little bit tired Of listening to the sound of my tears Turn around Every now and then I get a little bit nervous That the best of all my years have gone by Turn around Every now and then I get a little bit terrified And then I see the look in your eyes Turn around, bright eyes Every now and then I fall apart - Turn around, bright eyes - She's singing for her.
I begged her for years to sing with me I mean, like, begged.
- On my knees.
- every now and then I fall apart I know.
She's acting so juvenile.
And I need you now tonight And I need you more than ever And if you only hold me tight We'll be holding on forever - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - And if you Okay, okay, simmer down.
Stop, stop.
Okay.
- [Music stops.]
- Listen, uh, ohh, I have, uh, been in situations like this with married couples before.
Usually there isn't this much foreplay.
But, uh, whatever's going on here, you guys really need to hash it out.
Um It's probably for the best.
It was about more than the candles for me.
Oh.
- [Door opens.]
- Wait.
Come back! We can work this out.
Great.
Because you had to act like a little baby, I just lost my new best friend.
Your best friend? Huh.
Did you sign up for classes at potpourri pals together? - What? - This is bull crap! Why don't you start paying attention to the one person that drops everything for you? Not just today always.
I've been here through your divorce and Kenny coming out and Jimmy.
Taking me for granted is one thing, but karaoke fighting over another woman right in front of me? It crosses a line.
Turn around, bright eyes? I think I will.
[Door closes.]
Did not see that coming.
I have the combination, but how am I gonna figure out which is the contraband locker? [Cricket chirping.]
[Chirping continues.]
[Sighs.]
I feel like what I'm doing is cool and dangerous, but I am so disappointed by the choices these students are making.
Yeah.
Best party ever.
Turn down for what What do you mean if you could live in any era, you'd pick now? Paris in the '20s was obviously the right answer.
Hey, I'd like to propose a toast to our leader, Kenny.
- To Kenny! - [Cheering.]
Turn down for what All right.
Hand goes up, mouth goes closed.
What? No.
Um, hands hands down, mouths open! Yeah! What are you doing? - Shut it down.
- Are you kidding? This is the greatest party that has ever been thrown at a Central Illinois Catholic youth retreat, and I did it.
Come on, Kenny! This is not you.
You don't throw parties.
You're not cool.
You swallowed your mouthwash and had to lie down because you felt woozy.
Yeah, well, shutting down parties isn't you.
Come on.
Walk away.
Let this happen.
No can do, son.
I've been given a great responsibility as Faith Leader, and I have to fulfill it.
Don't [Whistle blows.]
- [Music stops.]
- All right.
Party's over.
Hell, no! We won't go! All: [Chanting.]
Hell, no! We won't go! - Hell, no! - You did this to yourself.
Ow, ow, I'm getting woozy.
Oh, this sucks! I can't believe your brother's making us do these stupid apology letters.
Ah, Jimmy ruined everything.
I wish we could think of a way to get him back.
Yeah.
Oh, we could put gum in his whistle.
Yeah.
That'll take the wind out of his sails.
Or we could totally humiliate him by saran-wrapping him in his underwear in the middle of the auditorium.
I mean, that is a total Jimmy move.
Okay.
Let's meet up outside the auditorium.
Everyone's next door watching "The Ten Commandments," so that only leaves us 3 hours and 40 minutes to pull this off.
Let's do this! All right! This is it.
I'm having my legendary night and I'm gonna shut down Jimmy for good.
It's all coming together.
What the Man: Hello, Kenny.
Oh, great.
Why are you here? Well, it is my weekend, buddy.
Woman: We meet again.
Jesus.
Hey, Maleficent.
She's still your dark side? I thought you'd outgrow her.
Turns out you never outgrow an evil queen.
What you're thinking about doing now is a doozy.
Are you going to take advice from a man who uses the word "doozy"? Right.
Jimmy did steal my glory, Jesus.
This was supposed to be my weekend, and he took it from me.
Of course he did.
And you're bitter and seek revenge.
And those are natural urges.
If you bottle them up, you'll get cancer.
And she's obviously insane.
Look, I-I know you're disappointed about not getting Faith Leader, but just because you didn't get the thing that you want doesn't mean you have to be someone you're not.
Think about your brother.
Think about cancer.
There she is.
Oh.
We know you're mad at us, and you have every reason to be.
We got a little carried away with Sam.
The truth is, I saw Pat with a new friend, and I just I didn't know how to deal with it.
Well, but, you know, making new friends is part of us moving on.
Yeah, but you're moving on first.
But it's not a competition.
- Oh, of course it is, Pat.
- [Sighs.]
We've only ever had couple's friends.
And I'm starting to think that they were mainly friends with us - because of you.
- What? It's very hard for me to make new friends.
But you just did make a new friend, and she was a lesbian.
That's true.
That was really big for me.
I mean, that's a good sign of growth.
Are you kidding me?! You're doing it again.
Sam's not even here, and this is all about her.
Jodi, I agree with you.
We haven't been treating you like a friend.
Because you're family.
And taking loved ones for granted is what family does best.
Keep going.
We promise we'll do better.
Do you promise to sing classic '80s duets with me and only me? - Promise.
- Promise.
Even meat loaf's "I would do anything for love but I won't do that"? [Sighs.]
Sure.
I won't do that.
I'll draw up the paperwork.
I tried it on, but being a badass doesn't fit me after all.
Jimmy, where are you going? Drew and his crew are messing around outside the auditorium.
Mm, no, you can't go there.
Well, I'm the faith leader.
I can do whatever I want.
It's a trap! They're gonna saran-wrap your balls to your face.
Okay, that's not physically possible.
And why why should I even trust you? Because I'm not The type of person who pranks his own brother.
Look, I'm sorry that I made your job really hard.
I was just jealous that you got it over me.
Well, look, I'm jealous of you.
When I was writing you up for the party, the only thing that I wrote was "sweet party.
" Well, you would have thrown a better one.
Thank you.
But you are right.
You you deserve it.
[Sighs.]
I really wish that you could be Faith Leader.
[Sighs.]
I wish you could go back to being the leader of the crew.
Jimmy, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Unlikely.
Okay.
Uh, well, here's the plan.
Kenny: Let me out! Let me out! No way! You're getting pranked! Man.
Holy crap! Was this your plan the whole time? A-a double cross? That's genius.
Yeah.
Let's get out of here.
We can steal people's phones and take pictures of our junk! [Chuckles.]
Yeah! I missed us.
Me too.
[Inhales deeply.]
Oh, yeah, no.
Jimmy, I think you made it a little too tight.
Jimmy! Yeah, I can't really take a deep breath! Kenny? Oh.
V.
P.
Murray.
Please help.
You ate them all.
Every single lunchable.
[Whistle clatters.]
I deserve this.
Why did I think this was a good idea? Oh, Shannon.
Thank god.
- Please help me out of here.
- I don't have time.
I've lowered my expectations, and it's about to happen.
What? Don't worry.
I love her.
No, no.
Shannon, not with that guy! Come on! Not where I can hear you! At least close the door! That's disgusting.
I did it! Already? [Sighs.]
That was wild.
Well Good for you! [Chuckles.]
Nope.
Still stuck.
Shannon! I'm really stuck, and I'm having a hard time breathing!