The Tick (1994) s01e10 Episode Script

[Alarm buzzing.]
[Sign buzzing.]
[Man.]
Elapse orbital uration, an counting.
Subject vital signs: Bloo pressure, normal.
Heart rate an respiration, goo.
Brain wave pattern, A-OL.
It's feeing time.
[Hooting.]
[Man 1.]
Activate automatic foo paste ispensal unit.
[Man 2.]
Roger, FPDU is a go.
[Man 1.]
Affirmative.
We are blowing paste.
[Hooting.]
He's eating it.
We have paste own.
[Hooting.]
[Man 1.]
We are approaching cosmic ray storm.
Initiate emergency evasive Oops, spille my coffee.
[Man 2.]
Hey! Get some paper towels! I mean, eploy absorption panels.
[Man 1.]
Roger on the paing.
We're seeing progress.
- [Man 2.]
That's coming out.
- [Man 1.]
Thank you, Houston.
Looks like we're out of the woos on that coffee stain.
[Controls beeping.]
[Man 1 clears throat.]
Uh, Houston, how's that monkey oing up there? Oh, man.
- [Man 1.]
Houston, was that you? - [Man 3.]
We in't copy that.
Copy this, you jerks.
Get me down out of here! [Man 1.]
Uh, Houston, that was the monkey.
[Man 3.]
Roger, central tracking.
We have talking monkey, an brain waves inicate super-genius.
- [Man 1.]
Uh-oh.
- You clowns.
Why do you guys shoot monkeys into space? It's been done to death.
[Man 3.]
Well, Yank, we just wante to see what monkeys were like in space.
Oh, yeah? I'll save you time.
I'll tell you what monkeys are like in space.
- Very angry! - [Man 3.]
We're sorry, little buy.
That storm blew out our remote guiance system.
Can't get you own without it.
Aw, forget it.
I'll get myself down, you dinks.
[Echoing.]
But I'll see you again! [Snoring.]
- [Door closes.]
- [Footsteps approach.]
[Mumbling over raio.]
- Good morning, Arthur.
- Who are you? What are you doing in my apartment? [Tick yawning.]
If you guys are selling insurance, we don't want any.
No, Tick, we're with the government.
Well, no, thanks.
We've got all the government we need.
We're secret agents here on official business.
Pack a small bag.
Your flight leaves in three hours.
- Uh, OK.
- What? [Agent.]
This is Yank.
Until 0800 hours, he was a normal monkey in space.
Due to massive ray exposure, he possesses the highest IQ on the planet.
We want him to head our space program.
He's that good.
Here's the problem.
Slide show, boring.
- Losing consciousness.
- [Thudding.]
[Agent.]
He's about to splash down here.
Near the small island nation of Pokoponesia.
This is Pineapple Pokopo.
International troublemaker and ugly customer.
He rules with an iron fist.
We're certain he will grab our monkey.
- Tick.
- Grab the monkey, got it.
Our government can't enter Pokopo's waters without an international incident.
That's where you come in, gentlemen.
But why us? You were recommended by a patriotic hero.
[Woman.]
Hi, boys.
[Tick and Arthur.]
American Maid? She's the third member of your team.
Here, you get two-way wrist radios.
Oh, smooth! Where is everybody? Where is my boat? That's it! You're in a lot of trouble, Houston! This is abandonment! This is mental anguish! [Laughing.]
Great, great.
Don't think this isn't gonna appear in my deposition.
Hey, get out of here! Hey! Hey, that's government property.
Don't eat me! I'm smart! [Footsteps approaching.]
Little monkey.
Welcome to Pineapple Pokopo's island domain.
You, Yank, will be our guest for the next Uh, sorry, what is a monkey's average life span? What's it to you? Our guest for the next 20 to 40 years.
[Yank.]
What? Where's your phone? You will become Pokoponesia's first chief military advisor.
I've had my eye on Hawaii for quite some time, and that's where you come in.
You will build me some kind of fantastic, genius technology machine that will allow me to enslave Hawaii and rule it with an iron fist.
Something with neutrons.
What do you think? Hmm, come here.
No, no, come here.
Back off, fruit-face! Ah, yes, I expected you might respond this way.
So I prepared a little speech.
[Clears throat.]
I am not a smart man.
I am not an honest man.
I am not a clean man.
I am not a rational man, but I am a very big man.
You are a very smart monkey.
But you are a very, very small monkey.
Big man, small monkey.
- Get it? - Got it.
[Tick imitates radio static.]
Arthur, come in.
[Static.]
Repeat, come in, Arth I mean, Arnie.
- [Static.]
Over.
- Tick, cut it out.
Eh [static.]
Arthur, you're gonna blow my cover.
My code name is Nick.
I don't know you.
If you're going to be that way about it.
- Tick! - Nick.
Nick, we're not supposed to know each other.
We're supposed to be three separate tourists enjoying a carefree island holiday.
But what about our secret mission? Yes! That's the whole point.
It's a secret, so quit talking about it.
Stop spitting into your wrist radio, or I swear I'll bust it over your head.
Excuse me, I don't know either of you gentlemen, but I can't help but noticing that you're screwing everything up! [Clears throat.]
Would anyone care for some complimentary tap water? Oh, great.
Great! Could I have a fresh pillow? This one's a little flat.
Could I have another one of those salty peanuts? Ooh, ooh! And my lips are a little dry.
Could I have some balm? [Man.]
This is your captain speaking.
I've turne on the "fasten seatbelt" sign.
Please make sure your seatbelts are securely fastene an that your seats are in an upright position.
May I remin you that in the likely event of a water laning, the seat cushions beneath you are the property of Pineapple Air an may not be remove from the cabin.
[Clears throat.]
An thank you for choosing Pineapple Air.
- [Bell rings.]
- Welcome to the Royal Pineapple Hotel.
- Name? - Janine.
Very good.
And the last name? Oh, last name uh Smith.
[Static.]
Hey, no one told me we had to think up last names.
Over.
[static.]
- [Man.]
And you, sir? - [Stutters.]
Arnie uh Jones.
- Very good.
- Sir? - Oh, uh Nick, uh [muttering.]
Nick Soapdish.
Uh-huh.
Nick Soapdish.
Uh, yes.
It's French.
That's funny.
It sounds more made-up to me.
[Chuckles.]
Well, time to hit the surf.
- Welcome to the - [Pokopo.]
I can't believe it.
Tourists have finally come to Pokoponesia.
My ads in those travel magazines are really starting to pay off.
Oh and pretty too.
Whoa! Oh, hey! Oh! Whoa! Oh, oh! Down, boy.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho! How's the water, Mr.
Soapdish? Oh, you know, it's a little sharky.
But, it's OK once you get used to it.
[Pokopo laughing.]
At last, Pokoponesia's becoming the new tourist hot spot.
Armpit of the Pacific, indeed.
But, General Pokopo, something tells me those tourists are secret agents from America.
Nonsense, they're just plain folks out for a good time.
It's our job to give it to them.
We just have to find out what they want.
I think they want the monkey.
And I think you are not listening to me.
What we need here is a little market research.
[Screams.]
General Pokopo, no! Now, you get back to the hotel and invite that pretty one up here.
We'll have dinner and find out what she's looking for in an island paradise.
Oh, and, little monkey, how's that fantastic, genius, technology machine coming? I'm just itching to conquer Hawaii.
Oh, yeah.
We'll have that island chain on it's knees in no time.
Good, good.
[chuckling.]
Come in.
Nick, Arnie.
All right.
[static.]
This is Secret Agent Nick, over.
[static.]
Listen, we've got to put together a plan.
What do we know so far? Well, Pokopo stays in a fortified palace just off the north shore of the island.
Yes, and it's surrounded by deadly riptides and shark-infested waters.
- Nick, what did you get? - [Static.]
Well, I found some very pretty shells, and I got this lovely lei.
[static.]
Watch it.
Someone's coming.
Janine Smith.
His Excellency, General Pokopo, cordially invites you to his palace for dinner.
Followed by a one-woman focus group on tourism in Pokoponesia.
- It's free.
- Great.
I'll be there.
What a break! You boys work your way out to the palace.
I'll call when I find Yank.
[Welding.]
How is my genius machine coming along, little monkey? - It'll be ready by tonight.
- Tonight, really? Excellent, but tell me, how does it work? Well, you just aim it at Hawaii and pull the trigger.
Ahh.
Good work.
And after we've secured Honolulu, we'll reload and conquer Wyoming.
Yeah, you know, Poke, as your chief prisoner and military advisor, I feel I should inform you that your logic is flawed.
You see, you're succumbing to the fallacy of the unbounded middle.
- Wow, really? - Oh, yeah, absolutely.
But what is this unbounded middle you speak of, oh, genius monkey mine? It's, well, you know Oh On the ends it's And then it's creamy, but [stutters.]
I used to know, but somehow [hoots.]
I can't remember.
[Static.]
Come in, Secret Agent Arnie.
This is Secret Agent Nick.
[Static.]
Over.
Yeah, yeah.
This is Arnie.
Where are you, Nick? [Static.]
I'm in position and prepared to embark.
Are you in position and prepared to embark? [static.]
[Arthur.]
Tick I mean, Nick, woul you give me a few minutes? It's a jungle out here.
[Nick imitates static.]
That's a big 10-4.
Agent Nick, out.
[static.]
[Arthur.]
Ow.
Ugh Well, Miss Smith, my general philosophy is this: Whether you're oppressing people or running a resort, you go with your strengths.
In America, you've got your Grand Canyon, your Mount Rushmore.
In France, you've got your Eiffel Tower.
And what exactly are Pokoponesia's strengths, general? Well, we got two things, basically.
We've got pineapples, and we've got sharks.
Go with the pineapples.
[Yank thinking.]
Yank's journal, last entry.
Oh, woe to the wick that withers in the brief, bright canle of my min.
Earlier, when I was talking to that big ape, Pokopo, I coul feel it begin to happen.
Base on my calculations, the effects of the cosmic ray storm on my brain will wear off in only a few short hours.
In in other wors [hooting.]
I'm gonna be real umb, real soon.
[Static.]
Arnie, Arnie! Come in.
[Static.]
Ar Oh, come on, Arthur.
Come in.
I won't spit in the raio anymore, I promise.
[Arthur groans.]
I think this sightseer has seen enough sights for today.
Enough for a lifetime.
- [Both laughing.]
- [Groaning.]
Huh? Arthur, do you read me? Are you OK? Help! I told you, I'm a tourist.
Help! I'm gonna tell my travel agent about this.
Yeah, right, Mr.
Tourist.
The only thing you're going to be saying is, "Ow, ow, there's a shark biting my leg.
" [Laughing.]
"Ow, ow.
" Hey, you jerks! Let that tourist go! What? No! Ee-hee-hee.
Contact.
[Both screaming.]
- Ow.
- [Groaning.]
Arthur! [Whirring.]
Oh! [groaning, whining.]
"Let him go"? How could you say "let him go"? I didn't mean it in that sense.
Oh, forget it.
Now, listen, we've got to get out to the fortress before they can warn Pokopo.
All right, then.
Let's hang ten for justice.
So, Janine Uh, may I call you Janine? If I were to enslave the population of, say, Hawaii and rule it with an iron fist, would that be a place you might enjoy vacationing? [Clears throat.]
You've got a little, uh, pineapple on your face.
[Yank hooting.]
[Pokopo.]
I'd like you meet Yank, my pet monkey and chief military advisor.
- [Spits.]
- Oh.
[laughs.]
He's actually very smart.
- Say something smart, Yank.
- [Phone rings.]
Please excuse me, Janine.
Yank, I'm not really Janine Smith.
I'm American Maid.
I'm a superhero.
I've been sent to get you out of here.
I think I should tell you, I'm not the genius monkey I used to be.
[Hooting.]
That's not the point.
My job is to get you back to America.
They want you to head the space program.
Well, it's their money.
[Laughs, hoots.]
Hello? Oh, why, no.
It's going wonderfully.
Why should? What? I'm telling you, we just had a fight with the other two in the jungle.
They're secret agents, and they're heading your way.
Then they all must be secret agents.
Oh, this is so sad.
Now I have to feed Janine to the sharks.
And we've still never had a tourist.
[Surf music.]
Well, well, Janine Smith.
Where were we? Oh, yes.
Pokoponesia's strong points.
I trust you've enjoyed our delicious pineapples.
Uh-oh.
Now, I think it's time for you to sample our sharks.
[Hooting.]
[Grunts.]
Well, Miss Smith, you played a little joke on me.
Now I have a little joke for you.
You'll never get away with this, Pokopo.
How can you tell if a shark likes you? [laughs.]
He takes another bite.
[laughing.]
A little Pokoponesian humor.
[Alarm buzzing.]
Ah, your friends must be arriving.
But I think we have enough sharks to go around.
- [Laughs.]
- [Computer beeps.]
Uh-oh! [Tick.]
Egad! [Grunting.]
Let me go! Get back, you! Yank! Throw me that mooring line so I can - Yank! - [Hoots.]
Fading fast.
Listen, the machine I built for Pokopo, it's not a weapon.
Yank, the mooring line? [Hooting.]
It's an escape pod.
[Screeching.]
Great.
[Laughing.]
- That was pretty good.
- You're not kidding.
Now put me down.
Come on.
Yank built us an escape pod.
Ooh, good monkey.
[Hoots.]
[Groans.]
No! This is it.
[Man.]
Do you, Yank, swear to fulfill your uties an obligations as irector of the National Space Program? [Hooting.]
Uh, let's put that own as a yes.
Someone get the irector a banana.
You know, gang, when you're a superhero, you never know where the day will take you.
You may find yourself halfway around the world in the shark-infested waters of true-to-life living.
Or you may find yourself going down to the store for a lozenge.
You can't know, can you? No.
You got to ride that wave.
You got to suck that lozenge.
'Cause if you don't, who will? Where do you get this stuff? Where, indeed.