The War at Home s01e10 Episode Script

Hey, Dad, you busy? No.
Can I ask you something? No.
I was just gonna ask you about baseball.
Hey, hey, hey, where you running off to? Since when are you into baseball, huh? Wait, wait, you're not auditioning for Damn Yankees, are you? No, I was just looking at your old baseball card collection that you gave me, and I wanted to know more about it.
You know, you hope and pray for a moment like this and then one day it happens and This is even I'm sorry, I Wow, this really takes me back.
Look at this one.
This one's probably the most valuable one in the collection.
Reggie Jackson, Mr.
October.
He was a centerfold? No, the playoffs are in October.
He was MVP.
This is great.
Plus, now if he's ever having sex and he needs to slow down, Boop! He'll have something to think about.
So, what are the other important cards in the collection? Because I want to know which ones to sell.
Sweetie, why'd you have to invite your mother over for dinner? Didn't we just see her like a month ago? Yeah, I'm thrilled about it, too.
I can't wait to meet her new beau.
She calls him her beau? Actually, she called him her lover, and I almost threw up.
Yeah, well, if you ask me, I think it's good that she has someone.
You know? Better she spend time with him than us.
I don't know.
I-I haven't seen her with another man since my dad died.
Oh I understand, sweetie.
That's a completely normal reaction.
I know.
I know this doesn't make any sense, but I just I feel like she's being unfaithful to my dad.
I think he'd be okay with it.
Hey, Ma! What time should Keith and the baby be here?! Okay! You invited Keith? Keith the baby daddy? The kid with the kid who's dating our kid? Are you kidding me? You know how Hillary is.
She gets an idea in her head and she romanticizes it.
Right now, she's thinking, "Oh, Keith, he's so cool and mature.
He has a baby.
" Yeah, well, she should be thinking, "Oh, Keith, he's so stupid, he couldn't figure out how to bag up his johnson.
" My point is Hillary hasn't spent two minutes with Keith's kid.
As soon as she realizes what a pain in the ass a baby is, she will run from this guy and all we have to do is sit back and watch.
Okay.
Okay.
Good plan, sweetie.
Finally, Hillary being a lazy, self-centered princess is working in our favor.
Hi! -Hey, Ma.
Jack! Stop.
This is Jack Wilder.
My friends call me Wild Jack.
Hello.
Pleasure to meet you, Vicky.
And Dave Hey.
Nice to meet you.
I'll put my coat right here.
Boy, something smells wonderful.
Yeah, well, Vicky made her famous lasagna.
No.
No, it's this one.
Jack.
Stop.
Yeah, Jack.
Stop.
Well, I better check on dinner.
Oh, that's a good idea, honey.
Don't expect much.
Well, come on in.
So, that's a really nice jacket, Jack.
Oh, thank you.
It's cashmere.
Soft as a camel's heinie.
I'm guessing.
I'm just guessing.
Hey, that's a really fancy watch.
It looks expensive.
Is that a Cartier? Well, you want quality, you gotta pay for it.
That's why I've got the finest hip replacement money can buy.
It's German.
It's the BMW of hips.
Want to feel it? Here, feel this.
Smooth ride.
That's Jack's other nickname.
Hey.
I don't know about you, but I really like that Jack guy.
Yeah? What's to like about him? He's nice.
He's funny.
And best of all, he's loaded.
He's a drinker? No, he's rich, but if he was a drinker, that would explain what he's doing with your mother.
Transcript RaceMan So when you were my age, did you collect baseball cards? I sure did.
You still have any? Kid's got baseball fever.
When I was his age, I had scarlet fever.
Jack seems nice, Grandma, but he just reminds me of how much I miss Grandpa.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I miss him, too, Mike.
Every time he saw me, you know, he'd give me a little gift-- $5, $10 $20 you know? Yeah.
Well he's dead.
Who wants some homemade bruschetta? I saw that, Ma.
What a cutie! How come no one told me she got knocked up? Ha ha, Grandma.
This is my boyfriend Keith and his daughter Hannah.
And this is my lover, Jack Wilder.
Sorry we're late, you guys, but she got a little cranky.
Ah, no problem, Keith.
Babies are always cranky and crying and whining.
I'm told that stops at some point.
I'm still waiting.
Oh.
Uh-oh.
Jeez, I'm sorry, Hillary.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, that's not gonna come out.
No.
But what you can do is get the baby to spit up on the other side and make it look like a design.
Oh.
Who cares? Who could be mad at such a cute little snuggle bunny? Come here.
Hi! Nice plan, Grandma.
It's amazing.
You really can get anything on eBay.
Someone's selling a gently-used blow-up doll.
Hey, look, somebody bid on one of your baseball cards already.
Wow, $75.
That's more than this girl's getting for her virginity.
But is the card really worth that? I mean, we airbrushed out the fold marks.
The eBay terms of service expressly forbid this.
Ooh, another bidder.
Can you believe someone's willing to pay 90 bucks for a Reggie Jackson card? What a sucker.
What are you bidding on? A Reggie Jackson card for Larry.
He's finally showing an interest in something normal.
So I want to encourage him.
Plus, this one's in a lot better condition than the one I gave him.
How come you never gave me anything you had when you were a kid? What are you talking about? You're allergic to peanuts, right? Yeah.
You're welcome.
So, what line of work you in, Wild Jack? The stationery store business.
But I'm retired.
Oh, yeah? So you had, like, what, a chain of stationery stores? No.
I worked in a stationery store.
I sold cards and gum and cigarettes and surprisingly very little stationery.
So what's your deal? What, did you inherit, invest in the dot-com boom, win the lottery, what? I don't follow you.
Well, you got a lot of pretty fancy stuff the jacket, the watch, those Cuban cigars.
Oh, Betty bought all that for me except for the cigars.
I took the money out of her wallet for those.
Oh, my God.
This guy's smoking away my inheritance.
So isn't Jack sweet? Yeah, Ma, he's, you know I think I'm in love with him.
You are? Are you sure? Because it could be just a leftover hot flash.
I mean, Ma, you hardly know him.
Vicky, look, no disrespect to your father, but finally, here's a man who looks at me the way well, the way Dave looks at you.
That's great, Ma.
I'm really glad to see you looking so happy.
And young, right? Yeah, Ma, and young.
You know, I still think I ought to get my boobies lifted.
You kids sucked the sexy right out of them.
Hey, Betty, I don't want to cause any problems between you and Jack, but he's out there smoking a cigar.
Ah, excuse me.
We got to talk about that Jack guy.
Yeah.
You know what? I guess you were right.
As long as she's happy, that's all No, Vicky, the guy has nothing except expensive taste.
Who do you think's paying for everything? Your mother.
Do you have any idea what a Cartier watch costs? No, Dave, I don't.
So what if she wants to spend her money on him? It's her prerogative.
No, you don't get it.
This guy's taking her for a ride.
He's using her, and I'm worried about her.
When she finds out about it, this could break her little heart.
I just don't want her to get hurt.
All right, what's really going on? This guy's spending my inheritance! Excuse me, don't you mean my inheritance? Look, whatever she has, it doesn't matter.
I don't want him to get his hands on it, okay? I was kind of counting on that money for us.
Well, we have our investment accounts.
We have our bonds.
We have our IRA.
Babe, where do you think the money came for the new septic tank, huh? And Hillary's braces and when the Giants lost.
Okay, I get it.
We spent a little.
No, we spent a lot, okay? And that money was someday gonna be like our safety net.
Okay, first of all, that is my mother's money.
She can do with it what she wants, and you're not gonna say a word to her.
Fine.
Second of all, starting tomorrow, I am managing this family's finances.
All right, knock yourself out.
You know, there's really not that much to manage.
Grandma, when was this photo taken? You haven't aged at all.
It's like time stood still for you.
In fact, I think you look younger now than Mike, you're not getting any cash.
Hey.
Hey.
So that Jack, he's a real catch, huh? Oh, tell me about it.
Yeah.
I was thinking, Betty, you know, you were with somebody for 40 years, huh? Don't you want to get out there and, you know, play the field? Dave, I'm 67.
How many players do you think are on the field? Besides, Jack takes me places I've never been.
But you could go anywhere you want by yourself.
Half price with a senior bus pass.
I was talking about in bed.
I'll tell you a secret.
Nah, you don't have to.
You know, Vicky's father was a wonderful man, but, Dave Don't tell Vicky I said that.
Yeah.
I can't see that ever coming up in conversation.
But if you think about it, isn't it hard, you know, having to pay for everything? I don't mind.
I know you don't.
But instead of throwing that money away on Jack, you know, you could be using it on your grandkids.
Those kids are your headache.
I'm spending it on me.
You know, your husband he worked hard his whole life.
Do you think he would really want you spending his money on another man? I mean, this guy Jack he's only after your cash.
You think the only reason a man would be with me is because I'm paying him? You can go to hell! And why would you have to rely on me for money anyway? What kind of man are you? Well, that settles it.
If she ever gets sick, we're putting her in a home.
Ma, you can put your purse down.
I think it'll be safe.
Oh, you sure? I understand there are people here who are only after my cash.
Don't worry about it.
There's only six bucks and a couple Sweet & Lows in there.
Who loves her carrots? Hannah loves her carrots, doesn't she, Hannah? You're so good with her.
Well, it's easy.
She's so well-behaved.
Oh, yes, you are.
Oh, there she goes again.
Babies what are you going to do? I guess you get used to it.
But you never really do, you know.
Oh, my God.
I don't miss that.
Uh-oh, look at that.
Look at this smile.
That is so amazing.
You know, I can't wait till I have a baby of my own.
All right, that's it.
You're not hanging out with Keith and this baby anymore.
Okay, you want to spend time with someone in a diaper-- go visit your Great Aunt Sylvia in the home.
What? Mom? I'm sorry, honey, but I'm with him.
What do you have against Keith? What did he do wrong? Let me see he comes to our house for dinner, he doesn't bring flowers or dessert.
And oh, yeah, he impregnated a high school girl.
He's doing the right thing.
You know, he's being responsible.
Isn't that a good thing? You call this being responsible? Baby-sitting for a couple of hours? And then letting his mom raise his kid? Oh, now, just because you and Dave decided you had to get married doesn't mean that this boy has to.
Wh-wh-wh-what do you mean they had to get married? You want to take this one? I'm 16.
And you guys get married in 1988.
And huh Okay honey don't hurt yourself.
It's true.
I was pregnant when your dad and I got married.
-Hey, Hillary! You're an accident.
-Hey shut up! So are you.
So I was the only one who was planned? Uh, yeah.
Okay.
So what was all this crap you've been feeding me about not having sex until after you're married and how you guys waited? And it was even more special? God, you guys are such liars.
Well, I don't know.
I think it sounds kind of romantic.
Like in those movies where against all odds, they live happily ever after.
Except, you know, it's Mom and Dad.
So, uh, are there any other big secrets you've been hiding from this family? Jail time, previous marriages, Larry was born with both parts, but you had to make a call? How are we supposed to know? They've been lying to us all our lives.
Oh, stop it.
Okay, we didn't tell you, but it's only because we didn't want you to make the same mistake your mother and I did.
Please.
No, don't "oh, please" me.
I know what I'm talking about, okay? One minute I had my whole life in front of me, the next thing you know I had a family and a job I couldn't stand.
That's right-- my dream wasn't to be a mid-level insurance salesman.
I'm stuck at home with your mother and three screaming kids.
I can't even do the things I enjoy.
I'd be more specific about it, but at this point, I can't even remember what they were.
So maybe now you'll understand why I get upset when I hear you say things like, "I can't wait to have a baby.
" I just don't want you to wind up miserable like me.
Well, I'm not you.
And I'm going to keep on seeing Keith whether you want me to or not.
Way to go, Granny.
You sold us out because of what I said about Jack.
No, Dave, that's something you would do.
Wait a minute.
What'd he say about me? He said you were a gigolo.
Why, because we have an active sex life and I let you buy things for me? Well, I've had enough.
Come on, Betty.
Let's go.
What's wrong? Uh, I'm woozy.
I I don't know.
This could be any number of things.
I'd better lie down.
Oh, Larry, Mike, help me get him to the couch.
Don't worry.
I won't let him steal the change from behind the cushions.
He'd better not.
Apparently, that's our savings account.
Well Well, after all those years of keeping that secret, I'm actually kind of relieved that it's out.
In a way I feel better.
How about you? Mistake?! You think the last 17 years was a mistake and that you threw your life away? Yeah, why wouldn't I feel better? Come on, Vicky.
You know what I meant.
Yeah, that you're miserable.
How come this is the first time I'm hearing about it? Because I was under the impression that we were happy.
Stupid me.
Hey, hey, hey, I am happy.
Now.
But, yeah, back then I was like, "How the hell do I get out of this?" Well, why didn't you? You know me.
I'm lazy.
And I didn't want to move back in with my parents.
Come on.
That was a joke.
You're supposed to laugh.
Look, would I have planned it this way? No.
Nothing I ever plan works out.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I never know what I'm doing.
I would think you of all people would know that by now.
But I guess I was wrong.
Come on, sweetie.
Look, I don't know how it happened or when it happened, but I'm telling you, one day I realized boy, you are one lucky bastard that she did get pregnant, because otherwise you would have never gotten a woman this good to marry you.
It's like my old basketball coach used to say.
He used to say, "Dave" Okay, shut up before you ruin it.
I have to get out of here.
What? Is this because my family's so crazy? Because they're not normally like this.
In front of people.
No, it's what your dad just said.
Yeah, I've got to go see Hannah's mother.
I mean, if it can work for your parents, maybe it can work for me, you know.
I got to give it a shot.
No.
No, you don't.
I'm sorry, Hillary.
Thanks a lot for being so freakin' happy! I know you're supposed to love all your accidents the same, but this one geez.
I guess you weren't looking out your window 'cause I told you when the auction ended, I'd shine the bat signal.
You mean? Some idiot paid $200 for the Reggie Jackson card.
You sold the Reggie Jackson card? Well, you said it was the most valuable one.
Yeah, but, Larry, I gave you that collection of cards because it meant something to me.
I'm sorry.
You did give me the cards.
I thought they were mine, and I could do what I wanted with them.
When you give someone a gift, it is a gift, isn't it? Dad, good news.
I just checked, and you won the Reggie Jackson card auction.
I just spent $200 on a baseball cardI already own.
Maybe Vicky should be handling our finances.
Fine, you don't have to pay.
But if you don't, I'm leaving negative feedback.
Get out of here.
Go, get out of here.